Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 15 - No Room at the Inn - full transcript
To celebrate their first anniversary, Vint and Naomi plan a honeymoon weekend at a fancy motel. But they don't count on Mama's barging in them after having had a fight with Aunt Effie -- and having nowhere else to stay.
It's 10 o'clock in the A.M.
If you two are still in
bed, you better be sick.
For your information,
we are still in bed
and we are not sick.
Well, I am.
You two's a sight to turn
even the strongest stomach.
To what do we owe
the honor of this visit?
I brought you your laundry
and I also came down
to show Vinton my shoes.
I just polished 'em up with some
nurses' special white number 3.
Oh, look, Naomi,
don't they look nice?
Stunning. Now, would you mind
marchin' them up
out of my boudoir?
I would like to march them
out across the backyard
to the clothesline, but they
will not stay hospital-fresh
when the grass
is six inches deep!
Now, get up, and get cuttin'.
Alright, alright!
Missy, I hope you plan on
spendin' your day
pickin' up this pigsty.
Now, where were we?
Oh, forget it. The
moment has passed.
Oh, honey.
I might as well get
into my work clothes.
Just stay where you are.
If your little Skeeter
can't get you undressed
the very least I can
do is get you dressed.
So you just stay in bed
and I will take care
of everything else!
Ha ha! Woo!
Oh, Skeeter.
Dad, Naomi, I've
gotta talk to you!
You are a locksmith.
Can't you put a
deadbolt on that door?
Dad! Dad, can I
have a slumber party
on the night of the 21st?
Grandma said I had to ask you.
I don't know, peanut.
The 21st is a very special day.
- It is?
- Uh-huh.
Yes, indeed. That is the day
that I married your
lovely stepmother.
Oh, Vinton, you remembered!
Remembered? Not
only did I remember
but I am takin' you
on the honeymoon
that we never had.
I've reserved two
days and one night
at the fabulous
Wandering Hearts Motel.
Oh, Vinton, that's out of town!
Yeah! It's way... It's
way out on route 5.
It's clear past Ceciltown.
There will be nobody
there but you and me.
I swear you're the best
husband I ever had!
So, can I have my
slumber party or what?
Yeah, you go ahead, Peanut.
Whatever makes you happy.
Oh, thanks! That's great, dad!
Buzz, quick, get down
here! Dad said yes!
Hey! alright! I'll invite
some of the guys over
and dance and party!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Nothin' doin'. No way!
There will be no
boy-and-girl stuff.
This party's gonna be
strictly a powder-puff powwow.
Oh, come on, grandma!
What fun's a party with no boys?
You're gonna find out.
We're all set to go
on our honeymoon!
Wandering Hearts
motel, here we come.
Ooh!
You takin' her to
the wanderin' hearts?
Out on route 5?
That's where your daddy
and me spent our honeymoon.
- You did?
- Yeah.
In those days, the justice of
the peace was right next door.
Your daddy did
everything in a hurry.
Was it a real romantic place?
I guess. A ceiling's a ceiling.
Well, um, a happy
anniversary to you both.
- Well, thank you, Aunt Fran.
- Thank you.
It's hard to believe
it's only been a year.
I'll say. You've
already gone through
the lifetime guarantee
on your mattress.
Oh, I'll get it.
Hello?
Help! Help!
What?
Help! Help!
Who is this?
It's Aunt Effie. Who is this?
Well, this is Vint.
Why, Vint, how in
the world are you?
- I'm fine.
- Oh, well, that's real nice.
Say, could I speak
to Thelma, please?
Sure. Mama, it's for you.
It's Aunt Effie.
Well, for cryin' out loud,
what does she want?
Hello, Effie.
Help!
Well, Effie, where are you?
On the floor. I fell down.
Can you come and help me?
- Effie fell down.
- Oh, no.
For pity's sake, Effie, did
you call an ambulance?
Oh, I can't. I'm in my slip.
Well, say no more.
I'm on my way.
Oh, thank you, Thelma.
Frannie, run upstairs
and get my stuff.
I'm gonna have to
pack an overnight bag.
I'll have to go check on her.
That's the third time this year.
I guess that's what happens
when you get old, and drunk.
Now, Effie, it's gonna
take me a couple of hours
to get out to Ceciltown
so you just sit tight,
or lay low, or whatever.
Frannie, you're gonna have
to cancel your symphony
so you can stay home and
chaperone Sonia's party.
Vinton, could I
hitch a ride with you
as far as Ceciltown?
Certainly not! This
is our honeymoon!
Well, this is an emergency.
You weren't plannin' on
doin' anything in
the truck, were you?
Well, lord, it's a good
thing I am goin' with you
or you two would be arrested
before you even
made it out of town!
Toro! Ole!
Toro!
Well, come on, baby! I'm ready!
Toro!
Toro! Ole!
Ha ha ha! Ole!
I'm gonna make another pass now.
O-o-o-le!
I'm gonna get you this time.
- Oh, that's what you think!
- Moo! Moo!
Alright!
Oh, sweetheart, I
love ya so much.
Oh, gosh, Skeeter.
Now I know how
the other half lives.
So do I. Like that.
Oh, look, it's us.
Hi!
♪♪ Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ♪♪
Oh, honey, I knew when
you brought me here
that it was gonna be sexy
but I had no idea it was
gonna be so elegant.
I wonder what bulls
do with their tails.
Yeah, Skeeter, this
place has got everything.
Mirrors, waterbed...
Heart-shaped tub.
Yeah, closed-circuit TV.
What is closed-circuit
TV, anyway, honey?
I've always wondered.
Well, uh, closed-circuit
TV means that, uh
they close the circuit on ya.
That way, you don't
have the problems
that you would have
with your open circuit.
You're so smart.
I just love it when
you talk like that!
Well, what's that?
That's probably the
cold duck I ordered.
Oh, honey! You
think of everything!
You just sit still
and your little matadorette
will get it.
Aah!
Was that the cold duck?
No, it was the old crow!
Naomi, you open this
door up this minute!
Mama? Is that you?
No, it's Mr. T, fool!
Mama?
What in the world
are you doin' here?
I have just used every last
bit of self-restraint I have
in not killing your aunt Effie.
What's the matter?
Didn't aunt Effie fall?
No, what she did was
trip over an extension cord,
and she did that
three weeks ago.
Where in the world did you
get this at Frederick's of Tijuana?
Oh, forget about that.
You mean Aunt Effie
was just cryin' wolf?
No, she was cryin',
"wash my clothes
"wax my floors,
change my sheets."
I finally just said,
"kiss my foot," and left.
How did you get here?
I hitchhiked with
a truck driver.
Lord, I know more
about Willie Nelson
than any decent woman ought to.
What in the hell
have you got on?
Mama, forget about that.
We've gotta get you
back to aunt Effie's.
I ain't never settin' foot in
that gargoyle's house again!
Just get out of here
and take me home!
Take you home?! Are you nuts?
He drives all that way and then
comes back? It'd be morning!
Well, It's not my
fault he was too cheap
to spring for two nights.
Mama, I am not
gonna take you home!
Well, fine. If you
won't take me home
then I'll just spend
the night here!
Good lord, what is
this, the love boat?
If you think you are
spendin' the night
in my honeymoon suite,
you are sadly mistaken!
- Now, Vinton, do something.
- Don't you worry, hon.
- Who are you callin'?
- Aunt Effie.
I'm gonna drive you there
as soon as you apologize.
They'll be makin'
snow cones in hell
before I apologize
to that old goat!
It's ringin'.
Hello, this is Effie Crowley.
I can't come to the phone
'cause I fell and hurt myself
and my cousin, Thelma harper
would not lift a
finger to help me.
Thelma, if this is you...
Aunt Effie's not home.
Well, then, go see the manager
and get your mama a room, honey!
I'm on my way!
Well, for cryin' out
loud, Vinton, good lord!
This place has gone downhill.
Who you figure decorated
it, the happy hooker?
Well, I find it
perfectly gorgeous.
You would.
You're just jealous 'cause
they didn't have a fancy room
like this when you
honeymooned here.
I don't see what's so
fancy about pink and red.
The whole room looks like
it's got a giant case of the hives.
It doesn't look
anything like it did
when Carl and I stayed here.
We had a gray room, as I recall.
Yeah, you would.
And a sweet, little oak
tree outside the window...
Well, you got an oak tree, too.
Sucker's huge!
Well, you know what?
- I think this is the same room!
- What?
What's the number on this room?
It doesn't have a number.
It has a name, "the
pleasure palace."
when carl and I stayed
here, they called it 1-A
even though carl
turned out to be 4-F.
Oh, here's Vinton! Well, honey?
Uh, they don't
have any vacancies
and the nearest
motel is 60 miles away.
Oh, no! What are we gonna do?
The management has a
solution all figured out for us.
Oh, thank goodness! What is it?
Wait.
- What is that?
- It's a rollaway bed, honey.
Well, roll it away from me!
Oh, now, Skeeter. Mama,
you're gonna have to sleep on this.
Don't put that near my bed!
You put that right over
there by the window!
I hope you catch a draft!
This looks like it's
gonna be hell on my back.
Oh, Naomi!
Skeeter?
Lord, I don't want to mess
up your whole night here.
I'm gonna go out
and sleep in the truck.
Mama! Hey, don't...
Skeeter! Naomi!
Now, come on out here. Come on!
Come on, come on, come
on, come on! Come on!
Now, we're gonna have
to act like adults here.
Now, this turn of events
hasn't made any of us happy,
but we're just gonna
have to make the best
out of a bad situation.
Now, I'm gonna go get mama.
Why can't the old bat
hang upside down in the truck?
Now, she's just as upset
about this thing as we are!
Well, don't just
stand there, Vinton.
Get your jammies
on. Let's hit the hay.
I didn't bring any jammies.
I was plannin' on
sleepin' in my birthday suit.
Well, you're gonna have
to settle for your bullsuit!
The lord called me to spend
the night with a sick relative.
I never thought it'd be you.
Goodnight, Vinton.
Goodnight, mama.
- Sleep tight.
- Fat chance!
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
But if they do...
hit 'em with a shoe...
and they'll be black-and-blue...
but if they don't...
- Ms. Harper!
- Mama!
Perhaps they'll all
come out and say "boo"!
I believe she's asleep.
Yeah, you better
flip Godzilla over
before she inhales the drapes!
I guess we're alone, sort of.
Oh, Vinton, I love you so much!
I hope that snorin'
doesn't distract you.
No, honey, I'm just gonna
pretend it's the ocean!
Carl! Carl, look out!
Look out! It's Miss Boyland!
Lord, she's a Martian.
She's gonna kill us both.
Oh, good grief. She's
havin' a nightmare.
Yeah? Who isn't?
Oh, Miss Boyland,
please, don't! Don't take us!
Take Eunice! Take Eunice!
I guess I'd better wake her up
before she wakes up
the rest of the motel.
Well, hello, Frannie.
Where'd you get that
cute, little kangaroo?
- Mama.
- Look out! Look out!
Oh, there, there, mama!
Mama, easy, easy!
You were just havin'
a bad dream, that's all.
Oh, lord. I don't usually
have bad dreams.
I think it's this crummy bed.
It's givin' me a
crick in my back.
It's makin' me have nightmares.
Perhaps you ought
to sleep on the floor.
No, I couldn't do that.
Maybe I could sleep
in this waterbed.
These things were invented
in a hospital, weren't they?
Just a minute here! You
have ruined my honeymoon!
You're certainly not gonna
split up me and my husband!
Aah!
Lord, there's somebody
up there starin' at us
somebody evil and mean.
That is your own
reflection in the mirror!
Well, good lord,
what in the world
are they doing with a
mirror above your bed?
Lord. You don't comb
your hair in bed...
or brush your teeth in bed...
you sure can't
watch yourself sleep.
What in the world else is there?
Well, what the...
Well, it's bad enough
when you're goin' through it.
Who wants to see it
on the instant replay?
Mama, we been up all night!
Will you forget about
that and go to sleep?
Well, lord, I can't sleep here.
Those things
give me the willies.
Lord almighty! Vinton,
you just come on over here
and just get some shut-eye.
I'm just gonna
watch a little bit of TV.
Don’t turn that TV on!
I'll sit up real close and
turn it down real low.
Go on.
"Spurs and leather."
Must be a Western.
Maybe Duke Wayne.
Funny music for a western.
Alright, here comes the cowboy.
Well, that sure ain't the Duke.
Well, why's he tyin'
up this dance-hall girl?
He must be an outlaw.
Yeah, he's wearin' a mask.
Well, why's he
takin' off his gun belt?
Well, good Io... What is...
Well, how the... Well... Well...
Well, I don't believe
what I'm seein'!
Good lord in heaven!
Get up out of there!
What is it now?
We are leavin' this sleaze pit!
What's the matter?
When they start
turnin' the old west
into a smutfest, it's
time to hit the trail!
That TV oughta
have its tubes tied!
Lord, my home
never looked so good.
I can't wait to get
into my own bed.
And into our own basement!
Yeah, right. Skeeter.
Our honeymoon isn't over yet!
- Well, what the...
- Ow!
There's somethin'
on the floor here.
It's alive.
There's somethin'
else over here. Ooh!
Careful! Let's get
the light on, honey.
- Really, do you mind?
- Gee!
Well, what in the wo...
Will you look at this?
Get out of here, Vinton.
We've got wall-to-wall
sweet 16s here.
Well, here's a bag I recognize.
Sonia, hey, what is the
meaning of this, missy?
Grandma. Well, the
party sorta got out of hand.
And out of your bedroom.
Nancy Ortell's cousin
invited her best friend, Chrissy
and Chrissy invited
the pep squad.
Where exactly was the
chaperone during this?
Shhh!
She was right
here the entire time.
May I ask what you are
doin' home at this hour?
Never mind that. What are
you doin' sleepin' on the floor?
Mama, that's where you
sleep at a slumber party!
Oh, Thelma, it was the best fun.
Look. It's called
"bronze goddess."
You like it? Oh, and
Thelma, at the séance
I got to talk to Johann
Strauss Sr. He was awesome!
Did you get your
ears pierced, too?
Be careful! They're still sore.
Well, good lord
I'm talkin' to a
teenager in midlife crisis.
Thelma, get real.
Hey, what's goin' on down here?
Go on back up to your room.
There's a minefield of
young womanhood here
as far as the eye can see.
I'll take my chances.
Get back up to your room!
It's the only place where
there's no young womanhood.
What do you mean,
it's the only place?
- Shh!
- Shh!
- They're in my room, too?
- Afraid so, grandma.
And in the kitchen and
in the service porch and...
Not in the basement!
- Shh!
- Shh!
Oh, Vinton, what
are we gonna do?
Hush up! I'll tell you
what you're gonna do.
Absolutely nothin'!
Well, Sonia, how about
movin' your slumber party
out into the backyard?
Certainly not!
I will not have teenagers
tramplin' on my begonias
just so you and Naomi
can tiptoe through the tulips!
- Shh!
- Shh!
Oh, shut up, yourself!
If you two are still in
bed, you better be sick.
For your information,
we are still in bed
and we are not sick.
Well, I am.
You two's a sight to turn
even the strongest stomach.
To what do we owe
the honor of this visit?
I brought you your laundry
and I also came down
to show Vinton my shoes.
I just polished 'em up with some
nurses' special white number 3.
Oh, look, Naomi,
don't they look nice?
Stunning. Now, would you mind
marchin' them up
out of my boudoir?
I would like to march them
out across the backyard
to the clothesline, but they
will not stay hospital-fresh
when the grass
is six inches deep!
Now, get up, and get cuttin'.
Alright, alright!
Missy, I hope you plan on
spendin' your day
pickin' up this pigsty.
Now, where were we?
Oh, forget it. The
moment has passed.
Oh, honey.
I might as well get
into my work clothes.
Just stay where you are.
If your little Skeeter
can't get you undressed
the very least I can
do is get you dressed.
So you just stay in bed
and I will take care
of everything else!
Ha ha! Woo!
Oh, Skeeter.
Dad, Naomi, I've
gotta talk to you!
You are a locksmith.
Can't you put a
deadbolt on that door?
Dad! Dad, can I
have a slumber party
on the night of the 21st?
Grandma said I had to ask you.
I don't know, peanut.
The 21st is a very special day.
- It is?
- Uh-huh.
Yes, indeed. That is the day
that I married your
lovely stepmother.
Oh, Vinton, you remembered!
Remembered? Not
only did I remember
but I am takin' you
on the honeymoon
that we never had.
I've reserved two
days and one night
at the fabulous
Wandering Hearts Motel.
Oh, Vinton, that's out of town!
Yeah! It's way... It's
way out on route 5.
It's clear past Ceciltown.
There will be nobody
there but you and me.
I swear you're the best
husband I ever had!
So, can I have my
slumber party or what?
Yeah, you go ahead, Peanut.
Whatever makes you happy.
Oh, thanks! That's great, dad!
Buzz, quick, get down
here! Dad said yes!
Hey! alright! I'll invite
some of the guys over
and dance and party!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Nothin' doin'. No way!
There will be no
boy-and-girl stuff.
This party's gonna be
strictly a powder-puff powwow.
Oh, come on, grandma!
What fun's a party with no boys?
You're gonna find out.
We're all set to go
on our honeymoon!
Wandering Hearts
motel, here we come.
Ooh!
You takin' her to
the wanderin' hearts?
Out on route 5?
That's where your daddy
and me spent our honeymoon.
- You did?
- Yeah.
In those days, the justice of
the peace was right next door.
Your daddy did
everything in a hurry.
Was it a real romantic place?
I guess. A ceiling's a ceiling.
Well, um, a happy
anniversary to you both.
- Well, thank you, Aunt Fran.
- Thank you.
It's hard to believe
it's only been a year.
I'll say. You've
already gone through
the lifetime guarantee
on your mattress.
Oh, I'll get it.
Hello?
Help! Help!
What?
Help! Help!
Who is this?
It's Aunt Effie. Who is this?
Well, this is Vint.
Why, Vint, how in
the world are you?
- I'm fine.
- Oh, well, that's real nice.
Say, could I speak
to Thelma, please?
Sure. Mama, it's for you.
It's Aunt Effie.
Well, for cryin' out loud,
what does she want?
Hello, Effie.
Help!
Well, Effie, where are you?
On the floor. I fell down.
Can you come and help me?
- Effie fell down.
- Oh, no.
For pity's sake, Effie, did
you call an ambulance?
Oh, I can't. I'm in my slip.
Well, say no more.
I'm on my way.
Oh, thank you, Thelma.
Frannie, run upstairs
and get my stuff.
I'm gonna have to
pack an overnight bag.
I'll have to go check on her.
That's the third time this year.
I guess that's what happens
when you get old, and drunk.
Now, Effie, it's gonna
take me a couple of hours
to get out to Ceciltown
so you just sit tight,
or lay low, or whatever.
Frannie, you're gonna have
to cancel your symphony
so you can stay home and
chaperone Sonia's party.
Vinton, could I
hitch a ride with you
as far as Ceciltown?
Certainly not! This
is our honeymoon!
Well, this is an emergency.
You weren't plannin' on
doin' anything in
the truck, were you?
Well, lord, it's a good
thing I am goin' with you
or you two would be arrested
before you even
made it out of town!
Toro! Ole!
Toro!
Well, come on, baby! I'm ready!
Toro!
Toro! Ole!
Ha ha ha! Ole!
I'm gonna make another pass now.
O-o-o-le!
I'm gonna get you this time.
- Oh, that's what you think!
- Moo! Moo!
Alright!
Oh, sweetheart, I
love ya so much.
Oh, gosh, Skeeter.
Now I know how
the other half lives.
So do I. Like that.
Oh, look, it's us.
Hi!
♪♪ Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ♪♪
Oh, honey, I knew when
you brought me here
that it was gonna be sexy
but I had no idea it was
gonna be so elegant.
I wonder what bulls
do with their tails.
Yeah, Skeeter, this
place has got everything.
Mirrors, waterbed...
Heart-shaped tub.
Yeah, closed-circuit TV.
What is closed-circuit
TV, anyway, honey?
I've always wondered.
Well, uh, closed-circuit
TV means that, uh
they close the circuit on ya.
That way, you don't
have the problems
that you would have
with your open circuit.
You're so smart.
I just love it when
you talk like that!
Well, what's that?
That's probably the
cold duck I ordered.
Oh, honey! You
think of everything!
You just sit still
and your little matadorette
will get it.
Aah!
Was that the cold duck?
No, it was the old crow!
Naomi, you open this
door up this minute!
Mama? Is that you?
No, it's Mr. T, fool!
Mama?
What in the world
are you doin' here?
I have just used every last
bit of self-restraint I have
in not killing your aunt Effie.
What's the matter?
Didn't aunt Effie fall?
No, what she did was
trip over an extension cord,
and she did that
three weeks ago.
Where in the world did you
get this at Frederick's of Tijuana?
Oh, forget about that.
You mean Aunt Effie
was just cryin' wolf?
No, she was cryin',
"wash my clothes
"wax my floors,
change my sheets."
I finally just said,
"kiss my foot," and left.
How did you get here?
I hitchhiked with
a truck driver.
Lord, I know more
about Willie Nelson
than any decent woman ought to.
What in the hell
have you got on?
Mama, forget about that.
We've gotta get you
back to aunt Effie's.
I ain't never settin' foot in
that gargoyle's house again!
Just get out of here
and take me home!
Take you home?! Are you nuts?
He drives all that way and then
comes back? It'd be morning!
Well, It's not my
fault he was too cheap
to spring for two nights.
Mama, I am not
gonna take you home!
Well, fine. If you
won't take me home
then I'll just spend
the night here!
Good lord, what is
this, the love boat?
If you think you are
spendin' the night
in my honeymoon suite,
you are sadly mistaken!
- Now, Vinton, do something.
- Don't you worry, hon.
- Who are you callin'?
- Aunt Effie.
I'm gonna drive you there
as soon as you apologize.
They'll be makin'
snow cones in hell
before I apologize
to that old goat!
It's ringin'.
Hello, this is Effie Crowley.
I can't come to the phone
'cause I fell and hurt myself
and my cousin, Thelma harper
would not lift a
finger to help me.
Thelma, if this is you...
Aunt Effie's not home.
Well, then, go see the manager
and get your mama a room, honey!
I'm on my way!
Well, for cryin' out
loud, Vinton, good lord!
This place has gone downhill.
Who you figure decorated
it, the happy hooker?
Well, I find it
perfectly gorgeous.
You would.
You're just jealous 'cause
they didn't have a fancy room
like this when you
honeymooned here.
I don't see what's so
fancy about pink and red.
The whole room looks like
it's got a giant case of the hives.
It doesn't look
anything like it did
when Carl and I stayed here.
We had a gray room, as I recall.
Yeah, you would.
And a sweet, little oak
tree outside the window...
Well, you got an oak tree, too.
Sucker's huge!
Well, you know what?
- I think this is the same room!
- What?
What's the number on this room?
It doesn't have a number.
It has a name, "the
pleasure palace."
when carl and I stayed
here, they called it 1-A
even though carl
turned out to be 4-F.
Oh, here's Vinton! Well, honey?
Uh, they don't
have any vacancies
and the nearest
motel is 60 miles away.
Oh, no! What are we gonna do?
The management has a
solution all figured out for us.
Oh, thank goodness! What is it?
Wait.
- What is that?
- It's a rollaway bed, honey.
Well, roll it away from me!
Oh, now, Skeeter. Mama,
you're gonna have to sleep on this.
Don't put that near my bed!
You put that right over
there by the window!
I hope you catch a draft!
This looks like it's
gonna be hell on my back.
Oh, Naomi!
Skeeter?
Lord, I don't want to mess
up your whole night here.
I'm gonna go out
and sleep in the truck.
Mama! Hey, don't...
Skeeter! Naomi!
Now, come on out here. Come on!
Come on, come on, come
on, come on! Come on!
Now, we're gonna have
to act like adults here.
Now, this turn of events
hasn't made any of us happy,
but we're just gonna
have to make the best
out of a bad situation.
Now, I'm gonna go get mama.
Why can't the old bat
hang upside down in the truck?
Now, she's just as upset
about this thing as we are!
Well, don't just
stand there, Vinton.
Get your jammies
on. Let's hit the hay.
I didn't bring any jammies.
I was plannin' on
sleepin' in my birthday suit.
Well, you're gonna have
to settle for your bullsuit!
The lord called me to spend
the night with a sick relative.
I never thought it'd be you.
Goodnight, Vinton.
Goodnight, mama.
- Sleep tight.
- Fat chance!
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
But if they do...
hit 'em with a shoe...
and they'll be black-and-blue...
but if they don't...
- Ms. Harper!
- Mama!
Perhaps they'll all
come out and say "boo"!
I believe she's asleep.
Yeah, you better
flip Godzilla over
before she inhales the drapes!
I guess we're alone, sort of.
Oh, Vinton, I love you so much!
I hope that snorin'
doesn't distract you.
No, honey, I'm just gonna
pretend it's the ocean!
Carl! Carl, look out!
Look out! It's Miss Boyland!
Lord, she's a Martian.
She's gonna kill us both.
Oh, good grief. She's
havin' a nightmare.
Yeah? Who isn't?
Oh, Miss Boyland,
please, don't! Don't take us!
Take Eunice! Take Eunice!
I guess I'd better wake her up
before she wakes up
the rest of the motel.
Well, hello, Frannie.
Where'd you get that
cute, little kangaroo?
- Mama.
- Look out! Look out!
Oh, there, there, mama!
Mama, easy, easy!
You were just havin'
a bad dream, that's all.
Oh, lord. I don't usually
have bad dreams.
I think it's this crummy bed.
It's givin' me a
crick in my back.
It's makin' me have nightmares.
Perhaps you ought
to sleep on the floor.
No, I couldn't do that.
Maybe I could sleep
in this waterbed.
These things were invented
in a hospital, weren't they?
Just a minute here! You
have ruined my honeymoon!
You're certainly not gonna
split up me and my husband!
Aah!
Lord, there's somebody
up there starin' at us
somebody evil and mean.
That is your own
reflection in the mirror!
Well, good lord,
what in the world
are they doing with a
mirror above your bed?
Lord. You don't comb
your hair in bed...
or brush your teeth in bed...
you sure can't
watch yourself sleep.
What in the world else is there?
Well, what the...
Well, it's bad enough
when you're goin' through it.
Who wants to see it
on the instant replay?
Mama, we been up all night!
Will you forget about
that and go to sleep?
Well, lord, I can't sleep here.
Those things
give me the willies.
Lord almighty! Vinton,
you just come on over here
and just get some shut-eye.
I'm just gonna
watch a little bit of TV.
Don’t turn that TV on!
I'll sit up real close and
turn it down real low.
Go on.
"Spurs and leather."
Must be a Western.
Maybe Duke Wayne.
Funny music for a western.
Alright, here comes the cowboy.
Well, that sure ain't the Duke.
Well, why's he tyin'
up this dance-hall girl?
He must be an outlaw.
Yeah, he's wearin' a mask.
Well, why's he
takin' off his gun belt?
Well, good Io... What is...
Well, how the... Well... Well...
Well, I don't believe
what I'm seein'!
Good lord in heaven!
Get up out of there!
What is it now?
We are leavin' this sleaze pit!
What's the matter?
When they start
turnin' the old west
into a smutfest, it's
time to hit the trail!
That TV oughta
have its tubes tied!
Lord, my home
never looked so good.
I can't wait to get
into my own bed.
And into our own basement!
Yeah, right. Skeeter.
Our honeymoon isn't over yet!
- Well, what the...
- Ow!
There's somethin'
on the floor here.
It's alive.
There's somethin'
else over here. Ooh!
Careful! Let's get
the light on, honey.
- Really, do you mind?
- Gee!
Well, what in the wo...
Will you look at this?
Get out of here, Vinton.
We've got wall-to-wall
sweet 16s here.
Well, here's a bag I recognize.
Sonia, hey, what is the
meaning of this, missy?
Grandma. Well, the
party sorta got out of hand.
And out of your bedroom.
Nancy Ortell's cousin
invited her best friend, Chrissy
and Chrissy invited
the pep squad.
Where exactly was the
chaperone during this?
Shhh!
She was right
here the entire time.
May I ask what you are
doin' home at this hour?
Never mind that. What are
you doin' sleepin' on the floor?
Mama, that's where you
sleep at a slumber party!
Oh, Thelma, it was the best fun.
Look. It's called
"bronze goddess."
You like it? Oh, and
Thelma, at the séance
I got to talk to Johann
Strauss Sr. He was awesome!
Did you get your
ears pierced, too?
Be careful! They're still sore.
Well, good lord
I'm talkin' to a
teenager in midlife crisis.
Thelma, get real.
Hey, what's goin' on down here?
Go on back up to your room.
There's a minefield of
young womanhood here
as far as the eye can see.
I'll take my chances.
Get back up to your room!
It's the only place where
there's no young womanhood.
What do you mean,
it's the only place?
- Shh!
- Shh!
- They're in my room, too?
- Afraid so, grandma.
And in the kitchen and
in the service porch and...
Not in the basement!
- Shh!
- Shh!
Oh, Vinton, what
are we gonna do?
Hush up! I'll tell you
what you're gonna do.
Absolutely nothin'!
Well, Sonia, how about
movin' your slumber party
out into the backyard?
Certainly not!
I will not have teenagers
tramplin' on my begonias
just so you and Naomi
can tiptoe through the tulips!
- Shh!
- Shh!
Oh, shut up, yourself!