Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 14 - Supermarket - full transcript

Oh, shoot.

Price check on the Margood
Tuna. 13 ounce, packed in water.

Good Lord. It's $1.85.
$1.15, if he's got a coupon.

Well, thank you, Ms. Harper.

You'd think she'd know.

It's only been on
sale for two weeks.

Okay. There's your change.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Thank you.

You have a nice day, Sam.

- Drive carefully now.
- I will.



Give your new puppy a big
squeeze for me, would you?

He's learnin' how to talk.

Will you get out of here?
Lord, there's people waitin'!

You just calm down here.

If you don't get a move on
it, my milk's gonna expire.

I'm gonna expire if you
don't let Naomi check.

Why don't you people
do yourselves a favor

and go over to Sue Ann
Pacey's checkout. Number Six.

She may make a few mistakes,
but they're always in your favor.

- Don't send them over there!
- Is there a problem here?

- No, Mr. Palmer.
- Most certainly.

These people had to
go over to Sue's counter

'cause Miss Molasses is
mannin' the Express Lane.

All those people went over...



Well, Naomi, you go help
Sue. She's overloaded.

I'll finish up with your
mother-in-law. Naomi?

Oh, alright.

Sorry about any
inconvenience, Ms. Harper.

I know you've been
a loyal customer here

for a long time now.

Since before you were born.

Shoot, I was in the store

the day your daddy came in

and told us he had a
9-pound 4-ounce baby boy.

- I wasn't that big.
- We knew that.

But every time your
daddy got near scale

he'd put his thumb on it.

You know, I do wish
my daddy hadn't retired.

I sure could use
his help around here.

Frankly, business hasn't
been that good lately.

Well, Frank, you're just
not keepin' your eyes open.

Now, take the
bakery, for instance.

This market has the
best bakery in Raytown.

People just keep
buying that junk food.

Ms. Harper, I can't force
people to buy our baked goods.

You could give out
some free samples.

I know plenty of girls who
got their husbands doing that.

Oh, Ms. Harper.

Excuse me, do you have any
of those new room deodorizers?

They kind of look
like pieces of fruit.

Yeah. That would
be over on aisle...

That'll be, aisle three. Right
next to the dog food display.

- Aisle three, dog food.
- Oh, thank you.

Speaking of which, Frank...

What are you doing
with dog food on display?

How many schnauzers come in
here to cash their weekly paycheck?

People have to buy dog food.

That's my point. They have to.

You gotta put things on display
that never cross their minds.

You oughta put them jars
of itty-bitty ears of corn.

People will snap 'em
up just to show the kids.

Itty-bitty.

You know, Ms. Harper, you
have some pretty good ideas.

Well, that's just good
old-fashioned horse sense.

What do I owe you here?

Ms. Harper, if you care

to share more of that
horse sense with me

we'll just call this
an even trade.

Well, you got
yourself a deal there.

Grab your clipboard 'cause
this old nag's got plenty to say.

- To the frozen food section.
- Oh, Mr. Palmer...

Naomi, just go back to
your checkout counter.

I wanna show you
something over here.

Oh, hey, Skeeter.

Oh.

- Hey, how was your day?
- It was terrible.

Your mother came into the store.

She made a spectacle out
of herself and a fool out of me.

Last thing I saw, she was
kissing up to Mr. Palmer

prancing around like
the Queen of Produce

telling him where
to put his zucchini.

Oh, I hate it when your
mama comes into the store.

I don't know what to do, honey.

Well, I'll just have
a talk with her.

- You will?
- Sure, I will.

I'll just tell her to do her
shoppin' on your days off.

Oh, honey, you're so good to me.

Oh-ho-ho.

Oh, I love you so much, baby.

May I remind you that I
prepare food in this room.

We were just talking about you.

Oh, yeah. With
what? Your eyebrows?

- Go on, honey. Tell her.
- What?

- Go on.
- Tell her what?

Mama, I would appreciate it

if you would limit your
shopping at the Food Circus

to the days when
Naomi's not there.

And why should I do that?

Go on, honey, tell her why!

- Uh...
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Because you made
me look like an imbecile

in front of the manager and
the customers, that's why.

Whatever you looked like

you looked like
before I got there.

Are you gonna let her
speak to me like that?

Now, look here, mama.
Just do us this one favor.

- Will you please? For me?
- Well, fine, Vinton.

I guess I can change
the days that I shop.

No problem.

Of course, my job might
be a little harder to change.

- Job? What job?
- The job your boss gave me.

Mr. Palmer gave you a job?

That's right. He's created
a new position for me.

Customer Consultant.

I consult with him
and I give him advice.

Let me give you some advice.

The Food Circus is 24
aisles of convenient shopping.

If I catch you and your
snide remarks within 8 aisles

of my 10 items or less

the only thing you
will be consulting

with is the butt
end of a rump roast!

Well, I think she
took it real well.

Thelma, can you recommend
your best dishwashing liquid?

My hands are getting
so rough and red.

Well, Lemon-O's on
special, over on aisle three.

Butt out! You ain't never
washed a dish in your life.

You don't need that. It eats
the polish right off your nails.

Besides, who wants their
dishes to smell like fruit?

W-what should I use?

Get yourself the biggest
bottle of Shiny Clean they got.

- That'll get my hands nice?
- Smooth as a baby's bottom.

Just drop the bottle
in your husband's lap.

Tell him to do the dishes.

Oh! He won't pay
no attention to me.

He will, if you drop
it in the right place.

Thank you, Thelma.

Lemon-O indeed.

Ms. Harper, "Ask
Thelma" is really working.

Everybody's talkin' about it.

Since we've been
giving away free samples

the bakery's been
sold out every day.

Isn't it wonderful the way
customers just love her?

You think she'll be loved
in another part of the store?

The Express Lane's
starting to bottleneck.

Oh, no. We want her
where there's the most traffic.

- This woman is gold.
- Thank you, Frank.

Got any questions? Ask Thelma.

It's nice to be appreciated.

That'll be $8.76.

Yo, Mavis. Did you
get them corn pads?

Yeah. Thanks, Thelma.

I tell you, "Ask
Thelma" is the best thing

that ever happened
to this store.

That woman's a
fountain of information.

Yeah, she's a
regular old geyser.

Thank you for
shopping at Food Circus.

Oh, and thanks again,
Thelma, for that tip

on the Graham cracker pie crust.

No problem, just follow
the directions on the back

of that box, and you can't miss.

Plus, it's ten cents off today.

It is? She charged
me full price.

Well, Naomi, you yahoo.

Didn't you read your
list of specials today?

You've overcharged
Mavis here by ten cents.

Alright. So I made a
mistake. You gonna shoot me?

Not until I get my money.

Here, take your
damn dime and beat it.

There you go, Mavis.

What kind of a way is that
to talk to my customers?

You overcharge them,
then you cuss them out.

I've been here for six years.

You've worked
here about six days.

I know more about the
grocery business than you.

You know how to
keep your line movin'?

My line was movin' just
fine 'til you showed up...

Ladies, is there a problem?

I can't concentrate with
her yelling advice over there.

A checker has
to be able to think.

Don't try to blame
me for your mistakes!

This Express Lane has never
moved the way it's supposed to.

Ladies, simmer down.

I've worked my way up
here from Bagger to Pricer

to Checker to the Center
Ring right here at Food Circus.

The Express Lane.

She can't tell me
how to do my job.

She don't know the
first thing about it.

Naomi, by golly,
you're absolutely right.

Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Palmer, sir.

You're gonna teach Thelma
Checking from top to bottom.

What?

As head of Customer Relations,
Thelma should be knowledgeable

of every aspect of this store!

Can't she round up
the shopping carts?

No, we want her right here.

Starting tomorrow morning

you're gonna teach
her everything you know.

About Checking. Anything
else she could teach me

I closed the book on years ago.

See these little
computer lines right here?

That's the price code. You
put those over the scanner.

If it accepts the price,
you hear a sound like this.

Now, if it doesn't
accept the price

you'll hear a sound like this.

Okay?

Now, if you hear that sound,
enter the pricing by hand.

Push the buttons for the price

then push the button for
Produce, Meat, or Dairy.

If you make a mistake,
press this button.

After you get everythin' checked
through you make the change.

Bag 'em up, send
'em on their way.

Good Lord! What is this?

The Evelyn Wood School
of Speed Checking?

- Have you got it or not?
- I'll give it a shot.

Alright, go ahead.

See these little
computer lines here?

Just run 'em over the scanner.

Boop.

See them little computer lines?

Just get on with it.

Boop.

Uh-oh.

I've got to do this one by hand.

That's right.

Here we go.

Get the price on that.

Guess these are free today.

Well, I've got to
enter this one by hand.

Well, there we go. Here we go.

You're gonna have a line all
the way down to Frozen Foods.

Now, you gotta speed this
up. Get a little rhythm goin'.

I wish your mother would
have practiced a little rhythm.

Here's a little rhythm
for you. Listen to this.

Well, how's our
little student doin'?

Pretty good. Listen to this.

Oh, golly, that's just great.
That's just great, Thelma.

Hasn't she caught on quickly?

It's more difficult when there
are actual customers in line.

This isn't a real
test, Mr. Palmer.

That's a good point, Naomi.

Thelma, with a
little more practice

you think you could handle
this counter tomorrow?

- Piece of cake.
- My counter?

You're giving her
my checkout counter?

You'll be here. She
needs somebody with her.

I want you to stay right
behind her. Bagging.

♪♪ When my baby ♪♪

♪♪ When my baby smiles at me ♪♪

♪♪ I'll go to Rio de Janeiro ♪♪

♪♪ My-O Me-O ♪♪

Hey, kids, where's our grub?

It's coming.

Now that you're
both career women

does this mean we have
to cook dinner every night?

Well, look at this.
Everybody dig in.

Oh, doesn't this look good?

Imagine, you two cooking
dinner for the family.

Yep. It's the perfect
ending to the perfect day.

Sonia, aren't peas usually
defrosted before they're served?

I like cold peas. No chance
of burning your tongue.

Speaking of vegetables,
did I tell you all

how easy it is to
weigh the produce?

Put it on that scale and
push that button and it...

Automatically
tells you the price.

Naomi, I got to hand it to you.

You have bagged
yourself one cushy job.

You don't need brains.
You don't need talent.

As soon as word gets
out how easy your job is

every chimp in the zoo is gonna
be linin' up for a checking job.

I'll teach you a thing
or two, you job snatcher.

Hold on! Buzz and Sonia
have fixed us a delicious dinner.

There's no reason we can't sit
down and break bread in peace.

Peace? The only peace I find

is at my Express Lane
over at Food Circus!

Your mama rules this house.

The only thing I have in
this world to call my own

is my 10 items or less

and today your mother had
me busted down to sacker!

Some people just can't separate

their professional careers
from their home life.

I don't have a home life!
I have a basement life!

Well, get down in
it where you belong.

Let's just finish this
fine meal, shall we?

I don't wanna hear another
word about Food Circus.

- Fine.
- It's not grandma's fault.

She's just doin' her job.

She is not. She's
doing Naomi's job.

Maybe Naomi wasn't cutting it.

She was cuttin' it just fine
until grandma came along.

- Maybe grandma's better.
- I bet she's not so hot.

Neither are your
dumb frozen peas.

Don't eat 'em. See if I care!

Fine! Fine with me!

I don't have to take that,
after I slaved over these peas!

I'm goin' to Nancy's.

Oh, now, come on, Sonia.

Buzz. Hey, don't...

Well, I hope you're happy.

Don't try to lay
this at my doorstep!

It's way beyond the doorstep!

It's right smack in the middle

of the dining room table.

You both working
at the Food Circus

is tearin' up our home!

Why can't I do anything
constructive with my life?

You don't have to
be so darn good at it.

What would you
like me to do? Quit?

I just want you to screw up,
so Naomi won't look so bad!

You get this, Vinton,
and you get it straight.

Thelma Harper takes
a dive for nobody!

Scanner surface is
clean and unobstructed.

Bag lady's in position.

By the way, bag lady

all orders, regardless of
size, will be double-bagged

and I will be giving the
breaks at regular intervals.

Otherwise, you're to
be on deck at all times.

Is that understood, missy?

Now, hear this, all
Food Circus shoppers.

The Express Lane
is open on Track One

and bound for glory. Board!

Gracious good mornin' to you.
Thelma harper at your service.

Here we go. And
your total is $4.17.

Thank you very much.
Here's your change.

Thank you for shopping
the Food Circus. Come again.

Gracious good
morning to you, sir.

- Thelma Harper at your service.
- Excuse me.

Uh, Thelma, what do you
suggest for stretching hamburger?

Well, I'd say grab
both ends and pull hard.

It was just a little joke.

Get yourself some Burger Buddy.

That'll make your
meat go the distance.

If you chop up a little
onion in there and sauté it...

Excuse me. I'm in a hurry.

You've come to the right place.

Well, what the...

You have to enter that
one by hand, Ms. Harper.

Well, I know
that. Just butt out!

It doesn't have a price
on it. How much is this?

I wouldn't know.

- I have butted out.
- Naomi.

Alright. It's on
the list of specials.

Didn't you read
your list of specials?

It's on the list of specials.

Kumquats. Radishes.

Cream corn. Okra.

Hand lotion.

Dish towels, six for a
dollar. There's a good buy.

Cereal assortment pack.

What does that say there?

Lemons.

Lemons are good. Lemons.

Wine in a box.

Toothpaste, family-size.

Longhorn chili. Here
it is. Two dollar...

Knock it off! I'm an old
lady here, for crying out loud.

That brings your
grand total to $9.95.

How long will it
take for change?

You're gettin' on
my nerves, four-eyes!

There's your change.

Thank you, sir, and come again.

Don't encourage
him to come back.

Next, let's go.

I never waited like
this with Naomi.

I'm movin' as fast
as I can, chubs.

Well...

Well, well, Good
Lord. Oh, my goodness.

This thing has just flat
torn your buns to bits.

I tell you what...

Go over there and get
yourself a fresh package?

Uh, better still, you
don't need this junk.

Go over to the diet section
and get you some lean cuisine.

- Next. Come on.
- I have a question.

- Ask Thelma...
- Ask Thelma is busy right now.

I wanna know what to do
about a tea stain on a rug.

Put a chair over it!

What do you mean,
"Put a chair over it?"

What in the world
is that? Come on!

Don't hit that
thing, Ms. Harper.

That is the signal that the
register tape is unthreaded!

Where does it go?

Sue Ann Pacey,
your break is over.

Get up here, quick.

Mr. Palmer, take
this job and shove it.

Dinner was great, grandma.

Well, thank you, darling.

And you're right.
Peas are better warm.

The cherry pie
was the best ever.

Well, thank you, baby.

Mama, I really wanna
thank you for what you done.

Well, why? I cook
dinner every night.

No, no, no, I mean
screwing up on purpose

over at the Food Circus.

You think I put myself
through that humiliation for her?

No, of course not.
You did it for me.

And I think it's the nicest
thing you've ever done.

Well, what's a mother for?

You just made a total
jackass out of yourself

just 'cause I asked you.

That's alright, Vinton.

You've always done
the same for me

and I never even had to ask.

Thank you for the
delicious dinner, Ms. Harper.

Dinner is nothing compared
to that pressure cooker

down at the Food Circus.

Oh, it's not so bad.

All you need is a little
experience and a natural gift.

Well, you've got it.
You were right, Naomi.

You belong at the
Food Circus, not me.

Well, thank you very much.

Only a total idiot
would work there.

Vinton, let's go
down to the basement

before this apology
gets any worse.

Nighty-night.

Well, for somebody
who's allergic to bagging

you sure are in an all-fired
hurry to jump in the sack!