Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 13 - Mama Buys a Car - full transcript
Even though Thelma went the distance to get her drivers license,she still is at the mercy of having to borrow family members' cars. She lets Fran know that she has some "mad money" saved up and is going to buy herself a car. She finds a dealer,who turns out to be one of the former neighborhood kids that she used to give cookies too. He has unfortunately has grown up into a sleazy used car dealer and does not hesitate to sell her a true "lemon" and take her money! ...but just watch how Mama "switches gears' on him!
With my luck, I'll get
that crabby, old Inez.
Meals On Wheels. This is Inez.
Hello, Inez, this
is Thelma Harper.
Where are you?
You were supposed to
be here 20 minutes ago.
Yes, I know that but my old
maid sister didn't get me her car.
Well, what's the
matter with your car?
- Well, I don't have a car.
- No car?
- We'll have to replace you!
- Oh, well, Inez don't do that.
I-I promise, I'll make my
deliveries if I gotta throw
the food in a knapsack
and deliver snacks on backs.
Inez, that's a
little joke there.
Thelma, I'm sorry to be late
but we had an
emergency staff meeting.
I finally had to sneak out.
Well, you might as well
just go back and sneak in.
- You're too late.
- No, I'm not!
We can still make
it. I have at least a...
- What?
- You're too late, I'm telling.
I've already been replaced.
Oh, no, that's too bad.
Well, I am sorry, Thelma.
Well...
it's not your fault,
Frannie. They were right.
I never should have volunteered
for this program
in the first place.
Oh, for heaven's sake,
now don't carry on like that.
It is just a volunteer job.
I'm sure they understand
these things happen.
When I got my driver's
license, I said to myself
"Thelma, there is more
goin' on in that world
"besides your dirty laundry
and Days Of Our Lives.
"You're gonna be a part of it.
"You can go where you want
when you want. Be independent."
I'd have gotten more
mileage out of a fishin' license.
Well, it is true
the driver's license
will not guarantee independence.
Without a car, a
driver's license is nothing
more than an
unflattering picture
with your real birthday on it.
Frannie, you know,
what I'm gonna do?
- Have your picture retaken?
- No, Fran.
- I'm gonna buy myself a car.
- With what?
I got me a 1,000 bucks
saved up in mad money.
- Mad money?
- Yeah.
In case I ever went mad
you don't have enough
money to put me in a home.
What do you think?
If we haven't put you in a home
by now... I guess we never will.
- Go for it.
- Yes, you're right.
Besides, if I get my own
car, I can drive myself crazy.
I don't know how anybody
makes head nor tail
out of these ads. I can't
understand this at all.
"Lik new, '72 ply fu
with wall ti, ster, ta 800 obo."
What the hell's that
supposed to be, Chinese?
Those are
abbreviations, grandma.
Look, it's easy.
"Like new, '72 Plymouth Fury
"whitewall tires, stereo tape
"800 or best offer."
Well, why don't
they just say that?
Because... the paper
charges by the letter.
Well, that just tears it.
I ain't gonna buy
a car from yahoos.
I'm gonna stick with
a professional dealer.
They use whole
words in their ads.
Alright, here's
one of those, then.
"Willie Potts,
previously, owned cars.
"Huge selection. No
gimmicks, no fuss.
"Just a car that you can trust."
- That sounds good to me.
- Uh, not to me.
"Fuss" and "trust" don't rhyme.
I wonder if this could
be the same Willie Potts
that used to live around
the corner from us.
Well, no. Willie Potts
moved away years ago.
Well, people can move
back. Is there a picture there?
Oh, yeah, he's really cute.
Well, I'd know
this face anywhere.
Shoot, if you put a beanie
with a propeller on this head
that's your Willie Potts there.
He used to sit right
in there in my kitchen
snatchin' my oatmeal
raisin cookies.
That child loved my cookies.
- Did you know him too, Vinton?
- Sure.
They were big pals. They
were always swappin' things.
Sure. I gave him my jackknife,
he gave me his measles.
Well, if this guy's
an old family friend
I bet he'd make you
a really good deal.
I'll bet you you're right.
Alright. Vinton, you
turn on the oven.
Naomi, you start
crackin' some eggs.
You kids run down to
the food circus and pick...
Wait, wait, wait, mama.
What are we doin'?
We're makin'
oatmeal raisin cookies.
That way, before
we start talkin' price
I can shove one of them
little suckers in his mouth.
Max, you're wanted
in used parts.
Come on, Skeeter.
Right here, mama.
There's a blue
one over here, see?
Yeah.
I don't think this one's
quite blue enough.
What is it with
you and blue cars?
Your Aunt Anna had
a blue car for 17 years.
She never had a
day of trouble with it.
Hello, there. What may
I do to help you folks?
- Oh.
- It's him. It's him.
Potts, I'd know
that face anywhere.
Well, God bless you.
- How's your mama doin'?
- Well, she's doing just fine.
She was askin' about you.
She was sayin', "How
long has it been?"
- It must be at least 30 years!
- That's what I was sayin'.
I said, "It's got to be 30
years since I've seen, ol'..."
Aren't you gonna
introduce us, Vinton?
Vint. Good ol'
Vint. Vint, Vint, Vint.
- Has it been 30 years?
- At least.
- How are you, Vint?
- Just fine. Just fine.
This here's my wife Naomi.
Very pleased to make
your acquaintance.
Pleasure is mine. I see what
you've been up to, old devil.
Vint, what-what kind
of car may I show you?
It's not him that's
doin' the buyin', it's me.
Usually, Mr. Harper
did the buyin'.
- I just did the complainin'.
- And how is Mr. Harper?
Well, he died some years ago.
Well, our loss is heaven's gain.
Oh, bless your heart, Willie.
Now, what did you have
in mind, Widow Harper?
Why don't you just
call me Thelma?
Alright, Thelma, what kind
of a vehicle may I show you?
Well, sir, it's got to
be sturdy and reliable.
Yeah. And it's got to be high
on gas mileage. Right, baby?
Right. And low on maintenance.
Willie, I want
something with guts.
I want power when I put
that pedal to the metal.
But nothing she can't handle.
And it's got to have
light-colored upholstery
'cause the dark gets too
hot in the summertime.
And we want bench
seats 'cause I'm sure
they don't make
buckets that size.
Willie. Willie, I want one
of them vanity mirrors
with the light on it
and I want a glove
box with them little rings
so you can keep your hot drinks.
Goodness, folks, I believe you
described every car in my lot.
Oh! Oh, yes. One more
thing, it's very important.
The car that I buy
has got to be blue.
Well, Thelma, I like a lady
who knows her own mind.
A blue car you shall have, dear.
If you see any car on
this lot which you like
and it is not blue... I
will paint it blue for you.
Oh, no. I don't want that.
It's got to be born blue.
Well, I think I have
just the blue car
that was born to be yours.
Right this way.
This here is the
pick of the lot.
She's only $69.95.
That is a real beauty.
Oh, you're right. It's a beauty.
I'm afraid the most I
can afford is a cutie.
Mama, maybe we better
go to another dealer.
Well, now, hold
on a second, Vint.
I have the largest selection
of previously owned cars
in the tri-county area.
Let me show you
this honey over here.
As a matter of
fact, uh, right now
I am talking to Oscar Babcock
President of Ray Corp.
Concerning selling him
an entire fleet of cars.
- Isn't this a sweetheart?
- Oh!
I like this one.
- Try her out for size.
- Well, alright.
Look at this.
How does she feel?
Well, I'm a little low. I
can't reach the pedals.
No problem. That
seat is adjustable.
Tell me, Willie, what kind
of mileage does she get?
A lot. Pay special attention
to that little vanity mirror.
Oh, look at this. Classy!
Uh, how's the battery?
All hooked up and ready to go.
Look at that glove compartment
plenty of space for
all those little things
you can never find enough
room for in your purse.
Well, don't that beat all!
It'll be a waste of your time
to show you around further.
This car is you, Ms. harper.
You really think so, Willie?
I wouldn't let you
drive out in anything
I didn't think was perfect.
Before you go any further
I'll take a look
under that hood.
Well, Vinton, there's no...
Hey! No need for that, Vinton.
Willie's our friend. He's
not gonna sell us a bad car.
Thelma, there's no problem here.
If you wanna check under that
hood, you check under that hood.
You know, I think of these
cars as members of my family.
They're like wayward children.
Often they come to me...
sick, tired...
in need of nourishment
and shelter.
I take them in, I nurse
them back to health.
By the time I'm ready to release
them to their new families...
no matter how nice
they may seem...
I always feel a
little... tug at my heart.
Oh, we could look
under the hood little later
I got a little
somethin' in my eye.
Tell me, how much is this
little buggy gonna set me back?
Well, seeing as
it's you, Ms. Harper
I'm gonna cut this
price to the bare bone.
Let's say... 1,300 dollars.
Well, let's say we'll talk.
- Have a oatmeal raisin cookie.
- Yeah.
Okay, $1,250.
I got a whole bag full here,
so you just keep chewin'
till you get to a $1,000.
What is taking her so long?
She ought to be here. She
was behind us at the dealer's.
Hey, here she comes!
Yes. Grandma!
Well, what do you
pedestrians think?
I'm gonna call her Blue Thunder.
It's super, grandma.
Such a lovely shade of blue.
Official pace car
of the Raytown 500.
I didn't notice that the
upholstery was so nice.
You two stay out
of my back seat.
- We'll hop into the front.
- Just don't hop anywhere.
Well, Thelma, aren't you
gonna take us for a spin?
Come on, everybody.
Let's just all pile in.
There'll be no piles in my car.
Wipe your feet off first
and leave the rest of
that apple on the curb.
- Watch them spiked heels.
- Did I step on your foot?
Yeah, okay, get
in on the other side.
Don't think that you're gonna
borrow this to go to Ray Point.
You understand? I don't
want my windows fogged up.
Alright. Okay, everybody.
Let the good times roll.
Here we go, off for
a little drive here.
Now, look, how
good I'm drivin' here.
See, what I learned?
Get me a license, and
I become a good driver.
We lost part of the car.
Oh, there's a little
smoke there, mama.
Oh, is it gonna blow up?
Turn it off. Turn it off, mama.
Are you in there? Mama?
Turn it off.
You've got a better
view of the lot.
Can you see Mr. Babcock?
Yeah?
He's lookin' at the
cars and smilin'.
Well, that's what
I like to hear.
As soon as he heads
over towards my office
you buzz me here.
This is the biggest
sale of my life
and I want to
clinch it just right.
Good Lord, don't call me
"poopsie" in front of him.
Whatever you do, don't
let anyone come into...
Hey there, Willie.
My office.
Thelma darlin' and Vint!
Vint, Vint, Vint! So
good to see you again.
I'm afraid I've
no time right now.
- This won't take but a minute.
- Good!
I came to get all
of my money back.
Uh-huh. Excuse
me, just a second.
- Edna, where is he now?
- Well, that was easy.
- I don't think he heard you.
- He did.
He said, "uh-huh" that means
"I'll give you your money."
I always told you little
Willie was an angel.
He's still smilin'? Hot diggity!
Ah, well, now, where were we?
You were about to
give me back my money.
- What money?
- The money.
The 1,000 bucks
that I had to fork over
for that pile of junk.
That car has not been
driven in quite a while.
It may take a few days
to work out the bugs.
The bugs bailed
out before the fire.
Well, now, Thelma, you
didn't try to do anything foolish
with that car, did you?
Yeah, I tried to drive it.
- It blew up.
- Blew up?
It blew up?
Well, uh, "batteries,
belts, brakes"
I'm afraid our limited warranty
doesn't cover explosions.
But if you'll go down, talk to
Lester in customer relations...
Customer relations?
This is your old
friend Thelma Harper
telling you that I
want my money back.
Well, this is your old friend
Willie Potts telling you "no."
How can you say
this to an old friend?
Well, that's because I am
a true friend, Ms. Harper.
I'll stick with you through
the good news and bad news
but, right now, I'm-I'm
tellin' you some bad news...
no refunds.
I'm sorry. There's
nothin' I can do.
Excuse me!
Yes, Edna?
He's comin'? Great.
Get out.
Now, hold on just a minute here.
I am not leavin' this office
until I get my money back.
Forget it, lady, you
signed a contract.
I said move it, you old hippo!
- Hey!
- Shut up!
You either give me my
money back or I'll sue you!
Go ahead, you could
take me to any court
and you'll never
see a dime... I know.
- Is that true, Vint?
- We have to look the contract.
Don't bother. It is ironclad.
Mr. Babcock, sir!
How lovely to see you.
Well, it looks like I'm buying
an exceptional fleet of cars.
- Well, thank you, sir.
- Oh, am I interrupting?
Ah, no, our business
was completed.
These folks are just leaving.
There's gotta be a loophole
in that contract somewhere.
Ironclad. There.
Well, sir, should we peruse
those purchasin' agreements?
Well, Vinton, I believe
those are the most expensive
oatmeal raisin
cookies I ever made.
Damn things cost me
about 50 bucks a raisin.
I guess I should've
expected something like that
from ol' Willie the weasel.
- Willie the weasel?
- Yeah, it just came to me.
We all kids used to call him.
It was because he was
nothin' but a two-faced liar.
Willie the...
Why didn't you remember
this before I bought a car?
Mama, look on the bright side.
You got stuck with one lemon.
That poor sucker in there
is about to buy the orchard.
Not if I can help it. You stay
out here and kick some tires.
I'm gonna go back in there
and kick somethin' else.
Now, sir, if you'll just sign
in these three spots, initial...
Drop that ballpoint, Babcock!
- I beg your pardon.
- Don't you dare sign a thing.
Pay no attention. This
woman is completely cracked.
I'm not, but my transmission is.
This man is a cheat, a liar
and a swindler and it's all legal.
What's she talking about, Potts?
I'm talkin' about my
car which just blew up.
- I can explain everything.
- You go ahead and explain.
You explain how you
took the whole life savings
from a poor, little, old woman
who wanted nothin' in life
but some wheels for her meals
and then sold her a
one-way ticket to the junkyard!
You can understand how every
customer cannot be satisfied.
We always get the
occasional nit-picker.
You'll be pickin' your
teeth up off this floor
if you don't pipe down.
I don't have to
listen to this...
I believe I'd like to hear more.
Mr. Babcock, I'm tellin' you
as sincerely as I possibly can
that my car is gone.
Blewey, sky-high.
The bumper went south, the
hubcaps went east and west.
- You mean your car blew up?
- Blew up?
I'm tellin' you, it's smolderin'
its way to lemon heaven.
Surely that can be rectified.
All Mr. Potts's cars
are under warranty.
Yeah, five miles or 15
minutes, whichever comes first.
Is what she saying true, Potts?
Do you or do you not
stand behind your cars?
He sure wouldn't dare
stand in front of 'em.
Mr. Babcock, you are a
professional businessman.
After all, these are used cars
and you are purchasing
the entire fleet
at a fantastic price.
May I remind you...
Are you interested in
selling me this fleet?
More than life itself, sir.
The only way I'll sign is if you
give this woman a total refund.
- A refund, sir? I would have...
- Every last penny.
Alright, I'll-I'll
write her a check.
You'll write her cash.
Well, let's see.
Alright, now, that
was an even $500.
That was an even $1,000.
Yes.
Plus tax.
And license.
Dealer preps.
I put a full tank of
gas in that sucker.
For heaven's sake!
- Supreme.
- Oh!
I gave that baby a carnauba wax.
Well, there.
Not to mention the ingredients
for three dozen
oatmeal raisin cookies.
Oh, this here should
cover every last raisin.
Now, would you kindly clear
out, so I can conduct my business?
- Color me gone.
- Oh, madam.
Let me walk you out.
Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Babcock.
You said if I gave her a
refund, you'd sign the papers.
I lied.
Well, Mr. Babcock,
you are a pistol!
Have one oatmeal
raisin cookie, sir.
Well, what the...
Oh, good Lord, you're
not only a weasel
you're a pig!
Mama, you must be
the first person in history
to ever get revenge
on a used-car dealer.
Yeah, I heard that you
really let him have it.
It's funny that everything
that drives me up the wall
when you do it to me, I love
when you do it to other people.
I'm glad you got your
money back, grandma.
And, Thelma, we are gonna
coordinate our schedules
so you will always have
a vehicle at your disposal.
Oh, no, nothin' doin'.
Now, that I've had a taste of
freedom, the highway is my home.
You mean you're
gonna get another car?
I most certainly am. But this
time, I'm gonna be careful.
I'm gonna buy it
from a total stranger.
Let's see here. "Hank
Monroe's used cars."
- Anybody know him?
- Yeah, I dated him once.
Well, he obviously knows
nothin' about quality.
Say, how about Chester Thornton?
Anybody know him?
Yeah, I dated him too.
Lord, if I bypass
everybody you’ve dated
I'm gonna have to buy
this sucker in Alaska!
that crabby, old Inez.
Meals On Wheels. This is Inez.
Hello, Inez, this
is Thelma Harper.
Where are you?
You were supposed to
be here 20 minutes ago.
Yes, I know that but my old
maid sister didn't get me her car.
Well, what's the
matter with your car?
- Well, I don't have a car.
- No car?
- We'll have to replace you!
- Oh, well, Inez don't do that.
I-I promise, I'll make my
deliveries if I gotta throw
the food in a knapsack
and deliver snacks on backs.
Inez, that's a
little joke there.
Thelma, I'm sorry to be late
but we had an
emergency staff meeting.
I finally had to sneak out.
Well, you might as well
just go back and sneak in.
- You're too late.
- No, I'm not!
We can still make
it. I have at least a...
- What?
- You're too late, I'm telling.
I've already been replaced.
Oh, no, that's too bad.
Well, I am sorry, Thelma.
Well...
it's not your fault,
Frannie. They were right.
I never should have volunteered
for this program
in the first place.
Oh, for heaven's sake,
now don't carry on like that.
It is just a volunteer job.
I'm sure they understand
these things happen.
When I got my driver's
license, I said to myself
"Thelma, there is more
goin' on in that world
"besides your dirty laundry
and Days Of Our Lives.
"You're gonna be a part of it.
"You can go where you want
when you want. Be independent."
I'd have gotten more
mileage out of a fishin' license.
Well, it is true
the driver's license
will not guarantee independence.
Without a car, a
driver's license is nothing
more than an
unflattering picture
with your real birthday on it.
Frannie, you know,
what I'm gonna do?
- Have your picture retaken?
- No, Fran.
- I'm gonna buy myself a car.
- With what?
I got me a 1,000 bucks
saved up in mad money.
- Mad money?
- Yeah.
In case I ever went mad
you don't have enough
money to put me in a home.
What do you think?
If we haven't put you in a home
by now... I guess we never will.
- Go for it.
- Yes, you're right.
Besides, if I get my own
car, I can drive myself crazy.
I don't know how anybody
makes head nor tail
out of these ads. I can't
understand this at all.
"Lik new, '72 ply fu
with wall ti, ster, ta 800 obo."
What the hell's that
supposed to be, Chinese?
Those are
abbreviations, grandma.
Look, it's easy.
"Like new, '72 Plymouth Fury
"whitewall tires, stereo tape
"800 or best offer."
Well, why don't
they just say that?
Because... the paper
charges by the letter.
Well, that just tears it.
I ain't gonna buy
a car from yahoos.
I'm gonna stick with
a professional dealer.
They use whole
words in their ads.
Alright, here's
one of those, then.
"Willie Potts,
previously, owned cars.
"Huge selection. No
gimmicks, no fuss.
"Just a car that you can trust."
- That sounds good to me.
- Uh, not to me.
"Fuss" and "trust" don't rhyme.
I wonder if this could
be the same Willie Potts
that used to live around
the corner from us.
Well, no. Willie Potts
moved away years ago.
Well, people can move
back. Is there a picture there?
Oh, yeah, he's really cute.
Well, I'd know
this face anywhere.
Shoot, if you put a beanie
with a propeller on this head
that's your Willie Potts there.
He used to sit right
in there in my kitchen
snatchin' my oatmeal
raisin cookies.
That child loved my cookies.
- Did you know him too, Vinton?
- Sure.
They were big pals. They
were always swappin' things.
Sure. I gave him my jackknife,
he gave me his measles.
Well, if this guy's
an old family friend
I bet he'd make you
a really good deal.
I'll bet you you're right.
Alright. Vinton, you
turn on the oven.
Naomi, you start
crackin' some eggs.
You kids run down to
the food circus and pick...
Wait, wait, wait, mama.
What are we doin'?
We're makin'
oatmeal raisin cookies.
That way, before
we start talkin' price
I can shove one of them
little suckers in his mouth.
Max, you're wanted
in used parts.
Come on, Skeeter.
Right here, mama.
There's a blue
one over here, see?
Yeah.
I don't think this one's
quite blue enough.
What is it with
you and blue cars?
Your Aunt Anna had
a blue car for 17 years.
She never had a
day of trouble with it.
Hello, there. What may
I do to help you folks?
- Oh.
- It's him. It's him.
Potts, I'd know
that face anywhere.
Well, God bless you.
- How's your mama doin'?
- Well, she's doing just fine.
She was askin' about you.
She was sayin', "How
long has it been?"
- It must be at least 30 years!
- That's what I was sayin'.
I said, "It's got to be 30
years since I've seen, ol'..."
Aren't you gonna
introduce us, Vinton?
Vint. Good ol'
Vint. Vint, Vint, Vint.
- Has it been 30 years?
- At least.
- How are you, Vint?
- Just fine. Just fine.
This here's my wife Naomi.
Very pleased to make
your acquaintance.
Pleasure is mine. I see what
you've been up to, old devil.
Vint, what-what kind
of car may I show you?
It's not him that's
doin' the buyin', it's me.
Usually, Mr. Harper
did the buyin'.
- I just did the complainin'.
- And how is Mr. Harper?
Well, he died some years ago.
Well, our loss is heaven's gain.
Oh, bless your heart, Willie.
Now, what did you have
in mind, Widow Harper?
Why don't you just
call me Thelma?
Alright, Thelma, what kind
of a vehicle may I show you?
Well, sir, it's got to
be sturdy and reliable.
Yeah. And it's got to be high
on gas mileage. Right, baby?
Right. And low on maintenance.
Willie, I want
something with guts.
I want power when I put
that pedal to the metal.
But nothing she can't handle.
And it's got to have
light-colored upholstery
'cause the dark gets too
hot in the summertime.
And we want bench
seats 'cause I'm sure
they don't make
buckets that size.
Willie. Willie, I want one
of them vanity mirrors
with the light on it
and I want a glove
box with them little rings
so you can keep your hot drinks.
Goodness, folks, I believe you
described every car in my lot.
Oh! Oh, yes. One more
thing, it's very important.
The car that I buy
has got to be blue.
Well, Thelma, I like a lady
who knows her own mind.
A blue car you shall have, dear.
If you see any car on
this lot which you like
and it is not blue... I
will paint it blue for you.
Oh, no. I don't want that.
It's got to be born blue.
Well, I think I have
just the blue car
that was born to be yours.
Right this way.
This here is the
pick of the lot.
She's only $69.95.
That is a real beauty.
Oh, you're right. It's a beauty.
I'm afraid the most I
can afford is a cutie.
Mama, maybe we better
go to another dealer.
Well, now, hold
on a second, Vint.
I have the largest selection
of previously owned cars
in the tri-county area.
Let me show you
this honey over here.
As a matter of
fact, uh, right now
I am talking to Oscar Babcock
President of Ray Corp.
Concerning selling him
an entire fleet of cars.
- Isn't this a sweetheart?
- Oh!
I like this one.
- Try her out for size.
- Well, alright.
Look at this.
How does she feel?
Well, I'm a little low. I
can't reach the pedals.
No problem. That
seat is adjustable.
Tell me, Willie, what kind
of mileage does she get?
A lot. Pay special attention
to that little vanity mirror.
Oh, look at this. Classy!
Uh, how's the battery?
All hooked up and ready to go.
Look at that glove compartment
plenty of space for
all those little things
you can never find enough
room for in your purse.
Well, don't that beat all!
It'll be a waste of your time
to show you around further.
This car is you, Ms. harper.
You really think so, Willie?
I wouldn't let you
drive out in anything
I didn't think was perfect.
Before you go any further
I'll take a look
under that hood.
Well, Vinton, there's no...
Hey! No need for that, Vinton.
Willie's our friend. He's
not gonna sell us a bad car.
Thelma, there's no problem here.
If you wanna check under that
hood, you check under that hood.
You know, I think of these
cars as members of my family.
They're like wayward children.
Often they come to me...
sick, tired...
in need of nourishment
and shelter.
I take them in, I nurse
them back to health.
By the time I'm ready to release
them to their new families...
no matter how nice
they may seem...
I always feel a
little... tug at my heart.
Oh, we could look
under the hood little later
I got a little
somethin' in my eye.
Tell me, how much is this
little buggy gonna set me back?
Well, seeing as
it's you, Ms. Harper
I'm gonna cut this
price to the bare bone.
Let's say... 1,300 dollars.
Well, let's say we'll talk.
- Have a oatmeal raisin cookie.
- Yeah.
Okay, $1,250.
I got a whole bag full here,
so you just keep chewin'
till you get to a $1,000.
What is taking her so long?
She ought to be here. She
was behind us at the dealer's.
Hey, here she comes!
Yes. Grandma!
Well, what do you
pedestrians think?
I'm gonna call her Blue Thunder.
It's super, grandma.
Such a lovely shade of blue.
Official pace car
of the Raytown 500.
I didn't notice that the
upholstery was so nice.
You two stay out
of my back seat.
- We'll hop into the front.
- Just don't hop anywhere.
Well, Thelma, aren't you
gonna take us for a spin?
Come on, everybody.
Let's just all pile in.
There'll be no piles in my car.
Wipe your feet off first
and leave the rest of
that apple on the curb.
- Watch them spiked heels.
- Did I step on your foot?
Yeah, okay, get
in on the other side.
Don't think that you're gonna
borrow this to go to Ray Point.
You understand? I don't
want my windows fogged up.
Alright. Okay, everybody.
Let the good times roll.
Here we go, off for
a little drive here.
Now, look, how
good I'm drivin' here.
See, what I learned?
Get me a license, and
I become a good driver.
We lost part of the car.
Oh, there's a little
smoke there, mama.
Oh, is it gonna blow up?
Turn it off. Turn it off, mama.
Are you in there? Mama?
Turn it off.
You've got a better
view of the lot.
Can you see Mr. Babcock?
Yeah?
He's lookin' at the
cars and smilin'.
Well, that's what
I like to hear.
As soon as he heads
over towards my office
you buzz me here.
This is the biggest
sale of my life
and I want to
clinch it just right.
Good Lord, don't call me
"poopsie" in front of him.
Whatever you do, don't
let anyone come into...
Hey there, Willie.
My office.
Thelma darlin' and Vint!
Vint, Vint, Vint! So
good to see you again.
I'm afraid I've
no time right now.
- This won't take but a minute.
- Good!
I came to get all
of my money back.
Uh-huh. Excuse
me, just a second.
- Edna, where is he now?
- Well, that was easy.
- I don't think he heard you.
- He did.
He said, "uh-huh" that means
"I'll give you your money."
I always told you little
Willie was an angel.
He's still smilin'? Hot diggity!
Ah, well, now, where were we?
You were about to
give me back my money.
- What money?
- The money.
The 1,000 bucks
that I had to fork over
for that pile of junk.
That car has not been
driven in quite a while.
It may take a few days
to work out the bugs.
The bugs bailed
out before the fire.
Well, now, Thelma, you
didn't try to do anything foolish
with that car, did you?
Yeah, I tried to drive it.
- It blew up.
- Blew up?
It blew up?
Well, uh, "batteries,
belts, brakes"
I'm afraid our limited warranty
doesn't cover explosions.
But if you'll go down, talk to
Lester in customer relations...
Customer relations?
This is your old
friend Thelma Harper
telling you that I
want my money back.
Well, this is your old friend
Willie Potts telling you "no."
How can you say
this to an old friend?
Well, that's because I am
a true friend, Ms. Harper.
I'll stick with you through
the good news and bad news
but, right now, I'm-I'm
tellin' you some bad news...
no refunds.
I'm sorry. There's
nothin' I can do.
Excuse me!
Yes, Edna?
He's comin'? Great.
Get out.
Now, hold on just a minute here.
I am not leavin' this office
until I get my money back.
Forget it, lady, you
signed a contract.
I said move it, you old hippo!
- Hey!
- Shut up!
You either give me my
money back or I'll sue you!
Go ahead, you could
take me to any court
and you'll never
see a dime... I know.
- Is that true, Vint?
- We have to look the contract.
Don't bother. It is ironclad.
Mr. Babcock, sir!
How lovely to see you.
Well, it looks like I'm buying
an exceptional fleet of cars.
- Well, thank you, sir.
- Oh, am I interrupting?
Ah, no, our business
was completed.
These folks are just leaving.
There's gotta be a loophole
in that contract somewhere.
Ironclad. There.
Well, sir, should we peruse
those purchasin' agreements?
Well, Vinton, I believe
those are the most expensive
oatmeal raisin
cookies I ever made.
Damn things cost me
about 50 bucks a raisin.
I guess I should've
expected something like that
from ol' Willie the weasel.
- Willie the weasel?
- Yeah, it just came to me.
We all kids used to call him.
It was because he was
nothin' but a two-faced liar.
Willie the...
Why didn't you remember
this before I bought a car?
Mama, look on the bright side.
You got stuck with one lemon.
That poor sucker in there
is about to buy the orchard.
Not if I can help it. You stay
out here and kick some tires.
I'm gonna go back in there
and kick somethin' else.
Now, sir, if you'll just sign
in these three spots, initial...
Drop that ballpoint, Babcock!
- I beg your pardon.
- Don't you dare sign a thing.
Pay no attention. This
woman is completely cracked.
I'm not, but my transmission is.
This man is a cheat, a liar
and a swindler and it's all legal.
What's she talking about, Potts?
I'm talkin' about my
car which just blew up.
- I can explain everything.
- You go ahead and explain.
You explain how you
took the whole life savings
from a poor, little, old woman
who wanted nothin' in life
but some wheels for her meals
and then sold her a
one-way ticket to the junkyard!
You can understand how every
customer cannot be satisfied.
We always get the
occasional nit-picker.
You'll be pickin' your
teeth up off this floor
if you don't pipe down.
I don't have to
listen to this...
I believe I'd like to hear more.
Mr. Babcock, I'm tellin' you
as sincerely as I possibly can
that my car is gone.
Blewey, sky-high.
The bumper went south, the
hubcaps went east and west.
- You mean your car blew up?
- Blew up?
I'm tellin' you, it's smolderin'
its way to lemon heaven.
Surely that can be rectified.
All Mr. Potts's cars
are under warranty.
Yeah, five miles or 15
minutes, whichever comes first.
Is what she saying true, Potts?
Do you or do you not
stand behind your cars?
He sure wouldn't dare
stand in front of 'em.
Mr. Babcock, you are a
professional businessman.
After all, these are used cars
and you are purchasing
the entire fleet
at a fantastic price.
May I remind you...
Are you interested in
selling me this fleet?
More than life itself, sir.
The only way I'll sign is if you
give this woman a total refund.
- A refund, sir? I would have...
- Every last penny.
Alright, I'll-I'll
write her a check.
You'll write her cash.
Well, let's see.
Alright, now, that
was an even $500.
That was an even $1,000.
Yes.
Plus tax.
And license.
Dealer preps.
I put a full tank of
gas in that sucker.
For heaven's sake!
- Supreme.
- Oh!
I gave that baby a carnauba wax.
Well, there.
Not to mention the ingredients
for three dozen
oatmeal raisin cookies.
Oh, this here should
cover every last raisin.
Now, would you kindly clear
out, so I can conduct my business?
- Color me gone.
- Oh, madam.
Let me walk you out.
Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Babcock.
You said if I gave her a
refund, you'd sign the papers.
I lied.
Well, Mr. Babcock,
you are a pistol!
Have one oatmeal
raisin cookie, sir.
Well, what the...
Oh, good Lord, you're
not only a weasel
you're a pig!
Mama, you must be
the first person in history
to ever get revenge
on a used-car dealer.
Yeah, I heard that you
really let him have it.
It's funny that everything
that drives me up the wall
when you do it to me, I love
when you do it to other people.
I'm glad you got your
money back, grandma.
And, Thelma, we are gonna
coordinate our schedules
so you will always have
a vehicle at your disposal.
Oh, no, nothin' doin'.
Now, that I've had a taste of
freedom, the highway is my home.
You mean you're
gonna get another car?
I most certainly am. But this
time, I'm gonna be careful.
I'm gonna buy it
from a total stranger.
Let's see here. "Hank
Monroe's used cars."
- Anybody know him?
- Yeah, I dated him once.
Well, he obviously knows
nothin' about quality.
Say, how about Chester Thornton?
Anybody know him?
Yeah, I dated him too.
Lord, if I bypass
everybody you’ve dated
I'm gonna have to buy
this sucker in Alaska!