Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 12 - Black Belt Mama - full transcript

Are you sure that
screw goes in there?

Do you have to stand over me?

I'm just trying to help.

I think that little screw
goes on the back.

Mama, please. Who's
fixin' this iron, you or me?

There. Good as new.

Hi, everybody.

How did class go, Naomi?

Oh, it was fabulous!

Take a look at this.

Ah!



- Oh, hey!
- Wow!

That's very impressive, Naomi.

Well, today we just
learned the basics

like how to kick and scream.

Shoot, I learned how to
do that on my weddin' night.

You can make fun
of it but ever since

that muggin' over at Food
Circus, Vinton has wanted me

to learn how to protect myself.

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Well, I know there is an awful
lot of violence goin' around.

I'm scared to death
comin' home late at night.

Oh, you're all a
bunch of scaredy-cats.

I been livin' in this
town my entire life

and nothin' bad has
ever happened to me



present company excepted.

If you feel so safe,
how come you have quit

goin' to your bingo night at
the Sons of Lithuania Hall?

Because I think
them games are fixed.

Some Lithuanian
is always winnin'.

Besides, I can't go to
the early bird games

and still get home,
and make dinner.

That sounds like a
rationalization to me, Thelma.

Why don't you just
admit you're scared?

- I'm not scared.
- Well, you ought to be.

Take your head out of the sand
and look at the world around.

Oh, why don't you take
your head and go soak it?

If you think we're in a concrete
jungle, why don't you join

Bruce Lee here, and go
learn how to break bricks?

Perhaps I shall.

Fine, I'll take you
with me next week.

- I'd be delighted.
- You'd love it.

The gals in the class are nice

and Chuck, the instructor

he knows everything
about the martial arts.

And Sonia, he's very cute, too.

- Oh, hey, I wanna join too.
- The more the merrier.

I'll take the both of you with
me next Wednesday night.

You know, they take women of
advanced age too, Ms. Harper.

I'm gonna be busy
next Wednesday night

I'm gonna go to my bingo.

Now, hold on, hold on.

With you off playin' bingo

and the rest of
you off with Chuck

who's gonna fix dinner
for me and Buzz?

Well, honey, I guess if us girls

are learnin' how to
take care of ourselves

you men are just gonna
have to do the same.

Well, fine. Fine, fine.

I guess if I can fix an
iron, I can fix a dinner.

Now, where's that plug?

Here we go!

Well, that smells good.

Just like the stew
grandma makes.

Taste it. Go on, taste it.

- Delicious!
- Uh-huh.

Wait a minute, dad.
This is grandma's stew.

Well, maybe she
kinda got the ingredients

together for me before she left

but I heated it up myself.

- Good heat, dad.
- Thanks, Buzz.

Now, for my own special touch.

A nice, green salad
for a balanced meal.

Dig in.

Mama, I thought you
were off playin' bingo.

Ohh!

Grandma, what's the matter?

You... H-ho... He...
Come on, mama.

- Look...
- Now come on, don't play games.

Talk to us, mama.

What... What is that
little piece of strap?

I think her purse is
supposed to be on it.

We're gettin' warm, huh, mama?

What-what happened
to your purse?

H-he t-took it.

Somebody took your purse?

I held on, I held
on tight, Buzz.

Yeah, tight, tight,
come on, tight.

He he just kept pullin', Vinton.

He-he took my-my purse.

Just-just sit down here now.

- I held on real tight.
- Yeah, I know you did.

- Have a drink of water.
- Relax.

Yeah.

- Are you alright?
- Lord...

I'm shakin' worse than
a wino in prohibition.

I think I'm alright.

What's this cabbage
doin' in my stew?

Never mind that.
How did it happen?

I don't wanna think,
talk, or know about it.

- You don't have to tell us.
- Thank you, Buzz.

It was at the bus stop
on 3rd and Amber.

I had just missed my number 17

so that meant a whole
another half hour of waitin'.

I figured I'd catch
the number nine

and then I'd
transfer to the 103.

Vinton, you know that
cabbage don't go with stew!

- Get to the robber.
- Alright. Let me tell it.

Anyway, all of a sudden this
robber comes out from nowhere

I was glad to see him.

I'd ask him if he knew what
time the number nine was due.

Before I could
even get a word out

he comes rushin',
and he grabs my purse.

Well, I held on for dear life.

He said, "Let go
of that purse, baby."

Baby, Vinton! Can
you imagine that?

I held on tight to my
strap and-and I've still got it

and-and he's got my purse.

I guess they just don't
make vinyl like they used to.

The important thing
is, you're alright.

I can't believe it.
It was still light out.

Must be an early bird mugger.

What did he look like, grandma?

Awful! Awful! He
looked just awful.

I'll never forget
him as long as I live.

He had a black and white
cap pulled way down low

and had a big old black mustache

and he had long, spindly
legs with real tight black pants

and a black turtleneck.

Why in the hell I ever thought

he'd know when the number
nine is due is beyond me.

Now, grandma, that's
a real good description.

You gotta call the
police and report it.

Oh, Lord, why? He's
long gone by now.

They might get your purse back.

Well, let him keep it.

He can't use it
without the strap.

Grandma, you're
supposed to report it.

Well, then, you report
it, Buzz. I don't care.

Okay, I will.

Lord. Guess I ought
to just be happy

that I got out of
this thing alive.

What do I care about my purse?

What do I care if the
police know about it?

All I care about is... I
want that man to die!

That purse belonged
to me, not to him.

That man's got no right to live.

He ought to burn in hell,
and wither, and suffer, and fry!

You got the cops?

- Yeah.
- Let me have 'em.

- You sure you're up to it?
- Just hold my purse.

I want you guys to get out
there and nail this creep.

Put out your APB there.

It's a guy with long legs

black, tight pants,
and a black turtleneck...

Yes, he did have a mustache.

You do? How do you like this?

Don't just sit there on
your big, fat precinct

get out there and nab him.

- What did they say?
- They know this guy.

It seems he's been
snatchin' purses

from old ladies all over town.

I'm supposed to go tomorrow
and fill out a police report.

In the meantime, I ain't
gonna take this lyin' down.

Now, where are you... Mama.

I for... I-I forbid
you to go out alone.

Alright then, Vinton,
you can drive me.

What the hell you doin'
puttin' cabbage in stew?

Way to go, Naomi.

You scared the
willies out of me.

Alright, ladies.
Let's do it together.

Quickly, now. Quickly,
quickly, quickly.

Right foot forward,
ready, and punch.

Hoy! Punch, punch.

Turn and add the yell and punch.

Punch. Punch.

Well, good Lord! Is this
what you get for comin' late?

Well, I'm glad that experience

with that mugger
has brought you to us.

Well, so am I. It seems that
holdin' onto your purse strap

and yellin' "Cut that out"
just isn't quite enough.

What an awful experience
for you, Ms. Harper.

- You're real brave, grandma.
- You poor thing.

Now, wait a minute. This
is an object lesson for us all.

She is a perfect
example of what not to do.

Thank you, Ms. Harper.

No problem, Chuck. Anytime.

Alright, class, what
did she do wrong?

- Oh...
- Oh, I know. She went out.

We all have to go out sometimes.

Not by herself like that.
Not to that silly bingo.

It ain't silly, Frannie.

Another mistake she made

was she carried that huge bag.

I love that bag! Don't
you start on that bag.

A big bag like that
is an easy target.

She should've never
gone to that bus stop

where it was dark and...

It wasn't even dark out yet.

The stop over at Cedar
Street is much better lit...

That's right.

What is this, get mama night?

Lord, you tryin' to tell me
it's my fault I was robbed?

No, they're trying to
point out your mistakes.

I guess that's what
families are for.

All we're talking about here

is common sense,
and being aware.

But first, I want you to catch
up on what we've done so far.

Alright, ladies, let's get
in line. Come on, quickly.

I'm gonna learn me a choke
hold and put it around your neck.

We'll start with
the first stance.

Everybody get out there.

Just pretend you're
riding a horse.

And power stance.
Stretch it way out there.

Alright, good.
Everybody have a seat.

Mrs. Harper, you can
come out of that stance.

The hell I can.

Let me help you down, alright?

- Be careful there, Chuck.
- I will be.

Don't you worry.
Take it easy, real easy.

Good. Alright.

Alright, everybody put your
feet together in front of you.

Very good. Ladies, press
your knees to the floor

and down.

This is called the sitting bull.

- You're tellin' me.
- Up.

This is what you
call a bull maneuver.

And down. Keep your hands back.

Well, there we
are. There we are.

- Well...
- And back.

Get that knee down there.

Get your knees down,
press them to the floor.

Press them right
down to the floor.

Good.

Alright and forward.

Uh-oh.

And back.

Ms. Harper, would you please try

to do these exercises properly?

Chuck says we're supposed to
move like a well-oiled machine.

Yeah, well, the oil drained
out of my crankcase years ago.

And back. Get your
knees down, get 'em down.

Somebody stop me.

Oh, Ms. Harper,
you're doing great.

Just don't get discouraged.

I ain't discouraged,
I'm seasick.

Alright, ladies, put your
feet straight out in front of you

and spread 'em just
as wide as you can.

Get 'em out there.

Alright, we're gonna
start our stretches.

To the right and stretch.

Way out there.

Good. And left,
stretch it way out.

Way out there.

And to the right.

Stretch it way out.

Further.

And to the left.

And to the left.

And to the right.
And to the left.

I believe I like
this one, Chuck.

Good, Ms. Harper.

Now that you're warmed up...

Warmed up? I'm
sweatin' like a butcher.

Alright, ladies. Everybody
back up against the wall.

Let's get back to reducing...

Oh.

I'll help you, Ms. Harper.

Well, aren't you a
sweet thing, Chuck.

- Thank you.
- You're real cute.

Well, thank you, Ms. Harper.

Now what I'm going to show you

are some basic self-defense
techniques that you could use.

Very simple.

Palm strike.

Middle punch.

Front kick.

Side kick.

Roundhouse.

And hook.

Little aerial work.

Oh, look at that.

Alright. Those are
some of the techniques

you may be able to use.

I want you to pair with whom
you've been working with

and you could adapt
this for yourself.

Alright? Everybody, quickly.

- Uh, Chuck?
- Yes.

Do I have to work with her?
She won't let me attack her.

Well, if you just weren't
quite so enthusiastic.

She's afraid I'm
gonna mess up her hair.

I don't see why you can't fight,
and still remain well-groomed.

Well, why don't you
try it just one more time?

- Ms. Harper?
- Yo.

Since you are the newest
member of my class...

I'm gonna have you
work with my star pupil.

You hear that? His star pupil.

What do you think about that?

Well, I'm not too thrilled
about that, Ms. Harper.

Naomi, teach her
everything you know.

Okay, Chuck. Come on.

Oh, no. Just a minute here.
You mean you're the star pupil?

That's right, I am.

Well, as if this
isn't hard enough.

Alright, what do we do?

Okay, first thing is
that you have to pretend

that we're mortal enemies.

Uh-huh?

Okay, now, let's say that
you want to attack me.

This is gettin'
better all the time.

Alright, come on. Attack
me from the right side.

Why from the right side?

If I'm gonna attack you

I wanna to decide which side.

For pity's sake! Alright,
attack me from the left.

I ain't gonna tell you
which side. It'll be a surprise.

You have to tell me.
Otherwise, I don't know how

to prepare to defend myself.

Well, that just makes me
the most considerate attacker

in the world.

You have an attitude problem.

- Oh, Chuck?
- Wait a minute, ladies.

Okay, Fran, attack her.

I'd really make a
much better victim.

Fran, you have to attack

in order so you'll
learn the choreography.

There. Did you hear what he
said? He said, "Choreography."

Choreography. Now,
come on, Chuck.

What are we gonna
do here, fight or foxtrot?

Ms. Harper, the attacks
are only simulated.

We're interested in
finesse, not brute strength.

Let me give you
an example, okay?

Sonja, do you mind
if I grab your hands?

Oh, no, not at all.
They're up for grabs.

Now, here I am, much more
powerful than this young girl

yet I can get her in a hold...

and she can easily
get out of this hold.

Sonja?

Sonja, go ahead and
get out of the hold.

Just-just go ahead
and get out of it.

Do I have to?

Naomi, would you work
with me just a minute?

- Sure, Chuck.
- Good.

- Alright, are you ready?
- Yeah.

Get out of the hold.

Oh!

I wasn't expectin' that.

That's the element of surprise.

That's what I'm talkin'
about. Your surprise.

Let's see you get out of
this one, Ms. Star Pupil.

Alright.

Excellent. Very good.

Thank you, Chuck.

So what do you think of that?

- Did you learn anything?
- Yes. I'd like to try that.

Alright, give it your best shot.

Get out of my way, rookie,
I'm goin' for the A-team.

Alright, Chuck.

Go ahead, make my day.

Oh, arthritis. I got
horrible arthritis in that arm.

Now, Lord, I'm a old woman here.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Ms.
Harper. Are you okay?

Surprise.

Well...

I see you bought somethin'
in Niedermayer's too.

I only shop at Niedermayer's.

Well, so did I, so did my mother

so did her mother before her.

You wouldn't think
a store that old

would be so
all-fired newfangled.

All they had was
these feather-light irons.

Now, I ask you, how
is that gonna do a job?

I'm sure I don't know.

Well, I guess you
got to keep up to date

whether you want to or not.

Remember when this street
used to be the main drag?

It was a beautiful thoroughfare.

Well, that's what I just said.

But look at it now.

All covered with
litter and trash.

Riffraff walkin' up and down.

Are you gettin' a
good look at this guy?

He'd do you in just
for your bridgework.

Why, he didn't
even come near me.

That's because
you're sittin' with me.

I learned all about this stuff
in my self-defense class.

If you act strong and confident

them muggers will think
twice before they attack you.

Sit up straight. You're
actin' like a victim.

Come on. Get this purse
hooked over your arm like that.

Come on. Proud.

See this girl comin' this way?

And you would
think you'd be safe

with a girl like that, right?

Wrong. She can be a
mugger just as easily as a man.

I'm tellin' ya, it's
these equal rights.

I'm gonna show you
somethin' that you can do

when I'm not around. Watch this.

Did you see that?

Now did you see how that
makes 'em steer clear of you?

You see?

You wanna try it?
All you do is act loony.

I'm tellin' ya, I
learned the hard way.

You got to keep your
eyes and ears open.

You got to be awake
every single minute.

Well, good Lord, it's him.

Freeze, you slime bag.

Hyah.

Alright, if that's
the way you want it.

Wah!

Huf, huf, huf.

Hoy!

Well, good Lord, I'm
just an old woman.

Here, just take my purse.

Wait a minute, don't
forget her purse.

Right.

Well, I guess it can
do the job after all.

Just think, mama, a whole
big article all about you.

And on the front page
of the metro section.

"Sassy senior beans bandit."

You're a hero, grandma.

I just wish they didn't
have to print a hero's age.

Aren't you excited about it?

Well, I only did what any
sassy senior would do.

I don't want to hear
another word about it.

I couldn't get as many as you
wanted. This was all they had.

- Thelma.
- Ms. Harper, you're a stitch.

Knock it off, all of you.

I'm holdin' an iron that makes

this hand a lethal weapon.