Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 11 - Mama Learns to Drive - full transcript

That wife of yours is dead meat.

Don't you slam that door
in my face, you lard bucket!

Why not? You just tried to
slam the car door on my foot.

I was aiming for your head.

Oh, now. Calm. Mama,
Skeeter, what's this all about?

Oh, nothing, honey,
it's just your mama

practically got
us both killed is...

I am not the one
who ran that red light.

- That light was yellow.
- Oh, yeah?

Then why'd you speed
up and go up over the curb?

Because you blew a
police whistle in my ear



and yelled, "Citizen's arrest!"

You're damn right I
did! You were driving...

- Thelma!
- What?

Well, did you at least get
the blue hat you went after?

She most certainly did not

because I turned my car
around and came right back here

just as soon as
the fire department

had turned off the hydrant.

- Come on, Ellen.
- Aah!

What, why is it when
there are four other drivers

and three cars in this family, I
have to come clear across town

to be your private taxi service?

Why don't you take her?

Well, don't look at me.



I got my bowlin' team practice.

Frannie?

Thelma, it's the last day

of the "Bulb Show"
at the arboretum.

You know I have to
cover that for the paper.

What about you?

I got a license but no wheels

unless you wanna skate.

Well, just look at you, Sonja.
Where'd you get that hat?

Niedermeyer's, they're
havin' a sale, 50 percent off.

Ain't you got a learner's
permit or somethin'?

Well, grandma, I'm not
old enough to get a license

but you are. Why
don't you learn to drive?

No, no! I only drove
one time in my life, 1946.

I started out with a sedan

and I came home
with a convertible.

I don't want it,
I don't need it!

Well, I say nobody
in this family

should take that woman anyplace

until she learns to
drive a car herself.

Well, you're absolutely right.

But who in this family is
fool enough to teach her?

Okay, mama. Lesson number one.

What's the first thing
you have to have

to operate a motor vehicle?

- Your head examined.
- Oh, no. No.

Here, here, let me just borrow

this knitting needle
for a second.

Now, mama, the first
thing you have to have

to operate a motor vehicle is...

the key.

I'm a locksmith. I know.

You might say it's the
key to the whole thing.

Good Lord, Vinton.

Any idiot knows you
need a key to start a car.

Ah-ha! But which key?

See, that's what separates
the drivers from the passengers.

Now, you take your GM cars.

That's General Motors, see.

Now, your square-head
key is for ignition only.

Round-head, trunk and doors.

Square-head, ignition
only. Round-head...

- Trunk and doors, I heard you.
- Trunk and doors, right.

Now, Ford... just the opposite.

See, just the opposite.

Next, American
Motors... one key fits all.

Go figure, huh?

Now, that's just domestic.

Now, when you get
into your foreign models

it's every country for...

For crying out loud, Vinton!

You just get the keys
to your dang pickup

and let's get this
show on the road.

Okay. I... I know I got
'em here somewhere.

Ooh!

Oh. Hell's fire, Vinton!

How am I expected
to learn to drive

from a goon that'd screw
up a two-car parade?

Well, with that kinda attitude,
you're never gonna drive.

Well, without your
keys, neither will you.

"Learn to drive."

If the Good Lord
intended me to drive

he'd have given
me bigger bumpers.

- Hey, grandma.
- Hi.

Sonja and I have
cleared the entire morning

to go over this driver's
manual with you.

I am busy.

Well, Good Lord, Sonja

what happened to your clothes?

You look like you went two
rounds with a weed eater.

I was thinkin' about wearin'
this on my date tonight.

It's the latest look.

"The latest look."

Well, I think I like it.

I'll tell you what, why don't
we run over to the mall?

We can stroll around.
You can show it off.

Wait. No way, grandma.
I'm not driving you anywhere.

Well, you don't have to drive me

then you can go to
Niedermeyer's all by yourself.

I already called them and told
them to put a hold on my hat.

Forget it, grandma, this morning

you are gonna learn
the rules of the road.

I don't want to learn no rules
of the road. Leave me alone.

Grandma, most of this stuff
is just plain common sense.

We'll throw out
the questions to you

and you say the first thing

that pops into your head, okay?

Here it goes.

What does a green light mean?

Means I'm gonna
have to yell at Frannie

or she'll sit there all day.

No. What does a
yellow light mean?

Means Naomi's gonna speed up

and try to kill us both.

What does a red light mean?

Means Ellen's gonna fix her
hair in the rear-view mirror.

Grandma, how do you
expect to learn to drive

if you won't learn the rules?

I don't expect to learn

you all expect me to.

Anyone that can learn how
to cook can learn how to drive.

Well, fine, and since
you're such an all-fired

wonderful driver, you can finish

the chocolate chip
cookies yourself.

I've had it with both of you!

I don't know, Buzz.

Maybe grandma isn't
cut out to be a driver.

And speakin' of
things that are cut out

that outfit's the most
God-awful rag mess

I ever laid eyes on.

- Goin' somewhere, Frannie?
- Aah!

Um, nowhere special.

You wouldn't be goin'
shoppin', would you?

Well, as a matter
of fact, Sherlock

yes, I am goin'
to the mall alone.

Oh, Frannie, come on.
Now, have a heart, Fran.

I've been cooped up
in this house for days.

Nothing doing.
You know the rules.

But, Frannie, there's
not even anybody home.

I could lie down in the
back seat in your car.

Nobody'd ever even see me.

Thelma, I am not
gonna drive you!

Why don't you just call a cab?

Are you kiddin' me?

For what them
highway robbers charge

I could have my new hat
and a coat to go with it!

- That's too bad.
- Fran!

- Absolutely not!
- Frannie, Frannie.

- Please.
- Stop pawin' at me!

- Fran!
- No.

- Fran!
- No!

- Frannie!
- No-o!

Well, alright, but I
probably won't live

too much longer!

This will probably be my
very last trip to the mall, ever.

For heaven's sake, alright.
Get your hat and coat.

Oh, Frannie, you
are a regular angel.

Yes, sir, we're
going to the mall.

Blue Organza hat, here I come.

And you're gonna drive.

Uh-oh! No, I don't wanna
drive. Don't make me do this.

Don't dig your heels
in that hat, Thelma.

Oh, no, Frannie.

Fran, don't make me do this.

Lord. One day you'll thank me.

- Here.
- Yeah.

If we live that long.

Don't be so silly.

Fran, I am not
mechanically inclined.

Neither am I.

Remember, it's
just like that time

daddy took us out
to Ray Lake, Thelma

to teach us how to swim.

He just threw us in, and he said

"Alright, now, girls,
it's sink or swim."

Where are you going?

At Ray Lake, you swam, I sank.

Thelma, get in
this car this minute.

Not without water wings.

Thelma, if you don't
get back in the car

I'm gonna drive
down to Niedermeyer's

and buy the hat for myself.

Did you know that 90
percent of all murders

are committed by family members?

That is fear talkin',
and it won't work.

Fine. I guess it's now or never.

Wait a minute. Put
your seat belt on.

Don't you know that most
injuries occur because...

Occur because you're
not wearin' your seat belt!

Set it to music.

Now, would you
pay attention to me?

That little slender
thing on the right

that is the accelerator.

And that big square,
lumpy thing on the left

that is the brake.

I have logged enough
miles as a passenger

to know how a car
starts and stops.

Tell me somethin' I don't know.

- Like what?
- What's a PRNDL?

A what?

A PRNDL. Right here.

P-R-N-D-L. Right there.

Thelma, honey.

That's your gear designations.

That is park, reverse, neutral

drive, and low.

Well, fine, I believe
I will start off in low.

No, no! Don't ever
put a car in low.

Why, you could end up strippin'
your transmission or something.

Well, then, what the
hell's it doin' here?

I do not know, and I
do not want to know!

I have never used low in
my life and I never intend to!

Fine, I'll just
start off in drive.

No!

You can't start a car in drive.

Huh, you have to
start a car in park.

Fine!

- Uh!
- It's in park.

Contact!

Hold on to your ta-tas,
Frannie. Here we go.

- Wait a minute! Don't, don't!
- Well, Good Lord.

Don't ever pull
away from the curb

without puttin'
on your blinkers.

Alright!

That is the windshield wipers.

Well, I can see it's
the windshield wipers.

How do you turn
the dang things off?

- Turn the knob!
- Turning the knob.

That is the headlights!

Well, Good Lord!

Hell's bells, I don't know
which knob is which.

Thelma, get your head up

out of the dashboard and drive!

- Oh, no!
- Thelma!

- Thelma, Brake! Brake!
- Oh, Lord.

- Oh, Lord.
- How do you do that?

- Put it in reverse, quick!
- Reverse?

Alright, I'm comin'.
Alright, alright.

- Oh, no!
- Oh!

What do I do now?

I need a S for sideways.

Well, let's get out of
here. Do something.

You back off, there!

I'll do somethin'.

I just had to jump out of
that car and run for my life.

I swear, I think I'm on the
verge of a nervous breakdown.

I am never ever gettin'
behind the wheel of a car again.

Oh, you don't mean
that, Ms. Harper.

You know what they
say, if you fall off a horse

you're supposed to just
climb right back up on it again.

Hm.

Spoken like a woman
with saddle sores.

Now, listen here, helmet hair!

Every member of this family
has spent an entire week

tryin' to teach this
old dog a new trick.

I would thank you not to refer
to my mother as an old dog

just because tricks don't
come as easily to her

as they do to you.

Whoa!

Mama, come on,
I'm gonna take you

right down to the
mall right this minute.

Well, alright, Ellen,
baby, but it's Sunday

and Niedermeyer's
is goin' to be closed.

But the parkin' lot's

gonna be completely empty.

Now, I'm gonna put
you behind the wheel

of my nice, safe Seville

which practically drives itself.

And when you walk
back through that door

you're gonna be drivin'
like you were born to it.

Come on, honey. Come on.

- Bye.
- Well, how'd it go, Thelma?

Well, you don't ask, don't ask.

Stand your ground, old lady!

There is no place on this earth

you can go that
I won't find you.

Well, now, Ellen,
look on the bright side.

- Nobody was hurt.
- Hurt?

Well, were there any
other cars involved?

No, just Ellen's.

And the cement tree planter

in the middle
of the parkin' lot.

Well, now, I still say
I had the right of way.

Mama, you were drivin'
35 miles an hour in reverse!

Well, I was backin' up

so as I wouldn't hit that
little kid on the bicycle.

That was a Cabbage Patch doll

in a toy-store window!

Oh, Ellen, where are you goin'?

Anywhere I can find
a crowbar on Sunday.

I have a rump roast

and a half a gallon
of butter pecan

in that trunk.

Ellen, Ellen.

As long as you're
gonna have to be out

tomorrow anyway
gettin' your car fixed

do you think maybe you could run
me by Niedermeyer's on your way?

Well, fine! Then
just go on, missy!

See if I need you!

I got me a entire family here

that will be more than happy

to take me any place
that I need to go!

So don't think that I
can't get along without you

you ungrateful brat!

I'll show her!

Hello.

Hello!

- Hello?
- Hello.

- Is Thelma Harper home?
- This is Thelma.

Oh, Ms. Harper

this is Arlene in Hats
down at Niedermeyer's.

Yes, what is it?

Well, do you still
plan on purchasing

that Blue Organza
hat you placed on hold?

I most certainly
do. I love that hat.

Well, Ms. Harper, there's
another customer in the store

that wants to buy it.

Don't you sell my hat!

Well, if you can't
pick it up by noon

we're just gonna
have to sell it.

You can't... I can't...

Hello, Arlene! Arlene!

Well, Good Lord, I'm
an old woman here!

I can't get there by noon.

Well, shoot, it's 11:15 already.

Get there by noon.
What am I gonna do?

There ain't nobody home.

I could take Frannie's car.

I could have it back here
before she ever gets back

from her lunch date.

That's what I could do.

What the heck, I
might die tryin' to do this

but at least they'll have a
pretty new hat to bury me in.

Round-head, door.
Square-head, ignition.

Don't ever make a left-hand turn

on a red light.

Here PRNDL.

That's your park,
reverse, neutral

drive, and low.

Always signal before
leavin' the curb.

Okay, Thelma, here we go.

Well, what the...

Well, you got to put it
in your D, you old bat.

Well, Good Lord. You're,
you're back, you're...

Cryin' out loud!

Your D, not your R.
There we go. Here we go.

Dear Lord in heaven,
if you'll just see me

to the mall and back
safely, I promise to obey

every rule of the road.

At least the ones
that make sense.

Amen.

Hey there, Ms. Boylen!
Hey, it's me, Thelma Harper!

You want to see me burn rubber?

Shoot, Knight Rider's
got nothin' on me.

Next.

How do you do?
I'm Thelma Harper.

This is my very first time
to get a driver's license.

I drove myself over
here, I bought this hat...

Papers?

What have you done here?

Well, uh, I wrote my
name down like it says.

It says print your name. Print.

Well, I can fix that,
that'll only take a second

here, we just cross that out.

End of the line.

I've already been in line
for an hour and a half.

End of the line! Next.

I'm not goin' to
the end of the line...

- Next!
- Good Lord!

This place is worse
than the post office!

Next.

It's me again. Thelma Harper.

Papers.

I printed this time.

- Where is your eye test?
- What?

I can't process you
without an eye test.

Go to the next
window, end of the line.

Oh, no, no. Now, wait a minute.

I can read this from right here.

It says, uh, E-F...

Next window, end of the line.

Well, now, you're startin'
to get on my nerves

you little jerk!

I'm an old woman. I've got
dinner to fix for my family.

Well, Good Lord!

Well... Well,
where's this line end?

I just want back the chair!

Oh, it's you again.

Yeah, it's me old
end-of-the-line Harper.

- Papers.
- Papers.

Well, everything
seems to be fine.

Just put your toes
behind the black line

so I can take your picture.

Lord, it's about time.

You want to do
somethin' with that hat.

You want me to do
somethin' with that camera?

You don't have to get ugly.

I'm gonna show you ugly.

Well, Good Lord!

Come on, now!
That was a little joke!

I was makin' a
little joke there.

Come on, I demand a retake.

Retakes at the end of the line.

Never mind. The picture's fine.

Alright, then, we need a
little further information.

- What's your height?
- Five-foot-five.

How much do you weigh?

Well, that's none of your
business, you skinhead.

I need your weight.

You need my hair.

Now, listen.

I don't have to
give you a license.

- Next!
- Oh, now, just a minute, here.

You listen up, you chrome dome.

My taxes pay your salary.

And as your
boss, I'm tellin' you

you either give me that license

or I'm gonna get you a new job

as a reflector button
on the highway.

Oh, dear!

You don't suppose
whoever stole my car

also kidnapped Thelma?

Oh, don't be silly,
Fran. Who'd want her?

- Well, there she is...
- Grandma!

Thelma! Oh, for heaven's sake!

Well, dang, is that the hat?

How'd you get it?

If I were you,
Frannie, I'd check

the alignment on my wheels.

That baby shimmies bad over 60.

Did you take my car?

Well, how did you drive it?

By the authority

of the State Department
of Motor Vehicles.

- What?
- Hey!

It's a temporary
driver's license!

Wow! Way to go, grandma!

- Look, dad.
- Let me see that.

Yeah, it says, "Thelma
Harper," right on it. See that?

Well, I don't believe
what I'm seein'.

Well, I don't believe it
says you weigh 118 pounds.

I'm real proud of you, grandma.

- Yeah.
- Well, thank you, sweet pea.

Now, I never have
to ask any of you

to take me anyplace again.

I got four vehicles
at my disposal.

Three. You've already
disposed of mine.

Two. You have violated my trust.

Uh, forget about my pickup.

Second gear's out.

Well, don't look at me. My
car has an automatic starter.

It don't need a crank.

Gee, grandma, looks
like they kinda took

the wind out of your sails.

That's alright, baby.

Wait till we take the
air out of their tires.