Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 9 - Mama's Boyfriend - full transcript
Mama's old boyfriend comes into town and invites her to a cabin for the weekend. (This episode was a remake of a Family skit from the Carol Burnett Show.)
[♪♪♪]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
♪ Down in the meadow
In the itty-bitty pool ♪
♪ Fam fee Little fiddies... ♪
Frannie.
Well, here, let me
help you with that.
♪ Fam fee little fiddies
And a mama fiddy too ♪
♪ Fim, said the mama
fiddy Fim if you can ♪
♪ And they fam, and
they fam All over the dam ♪
♪ Everybody Boop, boop ♪
♪ Dittum dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
Somebody is certainly
in a good mood.
Well, what's so
unusual about that?
Well, I mean, you are in an
extraordinarily good mood.
What's goin' on here?
Nothing's goin' on.
What do you mean?
You're all gussied up, Thelma.
My Lord, you're
wearing lipstick.
And unless my poor
stuffed-up nose deceives me,
is that not perfume you have on?
What's the big occasion here?
No big occasion.
I just happen to be goin'
out to dinner, that's all.
So how was your day?
My day was tragic,
if you want to know.
Mr. Yakley called me from
the First Methodist Church,
and he said that
just because I have
this little touch of laryngitis,
he would propose that I forgo
choir practice this evening.
Isn't that a shame?
[HUFFS]
Did you say you were
goin' out to dinner?
Well, it's not that unusual.
I ran into an old friend today,
and we're goin' out to dinner.
End of story.
Don't sit down, don't sit down.
I wanna show you
something. What?
This is your lasagna
for dinner tonight.
Now, all you got to
do is put it in the oven,
350 degrees for 90 minutes.
You are not suggesting
that I prepare dinner,
after the exhausting and
emotional day I have just had.
Well, I'm sorry, Fran, but Vinton's
not as good with numbers as you are.
I hardly think that a
valid argument, Thelma.
Well, fine, then
just don't cook it.
Eat a lasagna popsicle.
All right, I really
don't mind. I'll do it.
Actually, I'm glad to
learn that you have a friend
to go out to dinner with.
So what's her name?
His name is Woody Miller.
♪ Boop boop dittum dattum ♪
A man?
Thelma...
You are going out
to dinner with a man?
No, Frannie, a basset hound.
Oh, Thelma, it's not that
big, beady-eyed shoemaker,
you know, the one
that's always trying
to give you a free half-sole?
Well, for pity's sakes, Frannie.
Well, it's not that
runty little produce man.
Thelma? You know,
the one with the twitch.
Well, good Lord, Fran, I
know more men than that.
Well, I'm just
tryin' to find out
if you're gonna go out
with somebody peculiar.
♪ Down in the meadow... ♪
Thelma.
♪ Fam fee little fiddies
And a mama fiddy too ♪
Oh, hey, Mama.
Hello, Vinton. Thank you.
Well, look at you,
all gussied up.
You look great.
Thank you.
Oh, my Lord, who died?
Nobody died.
Well, what are you wearing
your funeral dress for?
Vinton, just because I
wore this to a funeral once
doesn't make it a funeral dress.
I wore it to the
airport once too.
Does that make
it an airport dress?
Your mama, it seems,
has a date with a
man this evening.
Isn't that wonderful?
Well, yeah, that is wonderful.
A date?
Well, I don't know, Mama.
Who... Who is he?
Woody Miller.
We knew each other
when we were young.
Anyway, he got married
and moved out of town.
And I got married
and stayed in town.
And that was the end of it.
Never saw him again till today.
You saw him today?
Well, it was the
darnedest thing.
I was doing my marketing,
not expecting to run into
anybody in particular...
Except for old Mrs.
Potts, who, of course,
always does her marketing
every Wednesday afternoon.
Anyhow, all of a sudden,
out of the corner of my eye,
I notice that
somebody's wavin' at me.
And it was Woody.
Well I can't tell the story
if I'm gonna be interrupted
every time I open my mouth.
I'm sorry, Thelma.
I won't interrupt.
And it was Woody.
Turns out, he's a widower
now livin' in Chicago,
and he's in town till tomorrow
night, visitin' his sister.
Oh, you mean, he's
just in town overnight.
Oh. Well, isn't that adorable?
[CHUCKLES]
Our Thelma's gonna
have herself a fling.
Oh, good Lord, Frannie.
What sort of a fling
could two old fossils
like me and Woody have?
Hi, everybody.
What's for dinner?
Children, look at
your grandmother.
Doesn't she look nice?
You sure do, Grandma.
Who died?
Nobody died, Buzz.
Is she going to the airport?
Your grandma has a
date with a man tonight.
Why, I think that's
real nice, Grandma.
Thank you, Buzz.
I think it's weird.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
Freeze. It's for me.
Who's there?
WOODY: ♪ Down in the
meadow In the itty-bitty pool ♪
♪ Fam fee little fiddies ♪
BOTH: ♪ And mama fiddy too ♪
♪ Fim, said the mama
fiddy Fim if you can ♪
♪ And they fam, and
they fam All over the dam ♪
Oh, Woody. [LAUGHS]
You cute thing, you.
Oh, bless your heart.
I do hope that yellow
roses are still your favorite.
Well, you darlin'.
You remembered.
That's my family.
That's a relief.
I thought it was a painting.
Oh, stop.
Come on out here.
Come on and meet Woody.
Come on, hurry up.
Woody, this is my son, Vinton.
Vint. Woody.
This is Buzz and
Sonja, Vinton's children
by his first wife, who left him.
Buzz.
Sonja.
His current wife, Naomi,
is out of town,
visiting relatives.
Uh, Sonja, you wanna put
those in some water for me, baby.
Okay now, just a minute.
A rose for a rose.
[SCOFFS]
Get serious.
And who have we here?
This is my unmarried
sister, Fran.
Oh...
Yes, ordinarily, they keep
me hidden away in the attic.
[CHUCKLES]
A mad spinster, don't you know.
How do you do, Fran?
Of course, I just meant
unmarried by choice.
I prefer to play the field,
if you know what I mean.
Woody, come on,
we're gonna be late.
Let's get goin'.
I don't believe Mama mentioned
what line of work you're in.
She didn't? I own a
string of massage parlors.
Oh? Oh, would you stop it?
He owns a great big company
that makes frozen foods.
I was just pulling
your leg, Vint.
Oh-ho, well, I knew that.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Frozen foods, huh. Mm-hm.
I bet there's a
pretty penny in that.
Probably not as lucrative
as massage parlors,
but I do all right.
Well, you better do all right,
takin' me to a fancy place
like the Babylonian
Roof Gardens.
Come on, now,
we're gonna be late.
Babylonian Roof Gardens.
Uh-huh. Woo!
They even got valet
parking down there.
Yeah.
I'd be afraid to let
them park my car.
Would you?
How do you know
it's a real valet
and not just some
joker in a red coat
who's gonna take
off in your vehicle?
Well, there's that.
I wouldn't worry about it.
They rarely steal pickups
without doors. Come on, Woody.
Get the lead out. Let's go.
Awfully nice meeting you all.
And don't worry, I promise
to have her home by curfew.
Don't wait up.
BOTH: ♪ Boop, boop
Dittum dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ And they fam, and
they fam All over the dam ♪
♪ Boom ♪
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Thelma, you are a picnic.
Oh, you sweet old thing, you.
Have you...?
FRAN: Thelma?
Well, good Lord,
is that you at last?
It is so late.
Are you all right? I have
just been worried sick.
Oh, Frannie, we
had the most fun.
Tell her about the waiter.
Remember the waiter?
Oh, you mean the waiter.
Well, this waiter
came over to our table,
and he was holding a
big bottle of, uh, Chablis.
Chablis. Yeah, yeah.
He said to me... And
he says to Woody,
BOTH: "Wine, sir? Wine, sir?"
So Woody says,
"Oh, I'm so unhappy.
Oh, I'm so miserable."
You get it, Frannie? He whined.
I'm tellin' ya... We
were on the floor.
You are the cutest
little thing, you.
I guess you just...
had to be there.
Well, it is getting a little
bit, uh... Little bit late.
[AS DRACULA] And I do have to
get back to my castle before daylight.
Oh, you silly.
I'll walk you to your coffin.
Now, listen... [STAMMERS]
Thelma, have you made up
your mind about our weekend?
Oh, Woody, I don't know.
A cabin by the lake at our age?
Well, you saw On
Golden Pond, didn't you?
Well, yeah.
I also saw Gone with the Wind,
but I ain't about to
burn down Atlanta.
Is that a yes or a no?
Oh, Woody, I can't.
I haven't been away
with a man since...
Since...
Since you went away
with me 40 years ago?
Well, yes.
Oh, ho-ho.
I bet I could find
the same cabin,
just like I found the same girl.
Oh, Woody, I can't. Now, stop.
What would I tell my family?
Well, it's none of
their damn business.
[LAUGHING]
I'm gonna be
there with bells on.
That's a girl.
Oh, how did I ever let
you get away from me?
Oh, you cute thing.
Woo!
Just look at that.
It's almost daylight.
[ENGINE REVS]
I tell you, I don't
know whether to go out
and make a pot of coffee
or go upstairs and try to
go back to sleep or what.
Yeah, that Woody
is really a night owl.
I'll tell you, gimme a man
that can show you a good time.
Well, Thelma, if you ask me,
you are having
far too good a time,
and it is not becoming to you.
I think it is to everybody's
benefit that Mr. Woody Miller
is leaving tomorrow.
Well, no, he ain't. He's
stayin' the weekend.
We're gonna go to a
cabin up by the lake.
Oh!
Thelma.
Have you lost all
sense of propriety?
You do not go rushin'
off to a cabin by the lake
the first time a man asks you.
Well, this is the second
time he asked me.
And for your information,
I went the first time too.
You what?
Well, I was just
crazy about Woody.
I let him talk me into going
to this cabin up by the lake.
And what happened?
Nothin' happened.
I was scared outta my wits.
He ended up bringin' me
back home the very same day.
And I never saw him again.
Well, that's certainly
nothing to be ashamed of.
My goodness, you just acted
the way any young lady should.
That's right. And I ain't gonna
make the same mistake twice.
♪ Dittum dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
Good mornin', everybody.
Yeah, it's good if
you ain't hungry.
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
Don't you know any other song?
Well, somebody sure woke up
on the wrong side of
the bed this mornin'.
Mama, this can't
go on much longer.
It's your duty to stay
here and fix us a breakfast
we don't have to turn a hose on.
Well, it's my duty to
get to Golden Pond
before the lake dries up.
Mama, I don't understand
how you can keep seein'
this Woody character,
day after day,
when you don't even
know what his intentions are.
I know exactly what
his intentions are.
The same as they
were 40 years ago.
Strictly dishonorable.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me
tell you somethin', Frannie.
If a man with Woody
Miller's looks and charms,
not to mention money, so much
as gave you a second glance,
you'd dance naked
down Main Street.
Is that so?
Well, let me tell you
something I wouldn't do.
I wouldn't go dancing off
to some sleazy weekend
in a cabin by a lake.
What's this about a
sleazy weekend in a cabin?
Uh-oh.
Shackin' up by the lake.
Way to go, Grandma.
Sonja, your grandma's
not shackin' up.
What are you doin', Grandma?
Well, darlin'... I'm
going on a picnic.
[FRAN GUFFAWS]
With Woody.
Hmph.
By the lake.
There you see?
And she'll be home
for dinner tonight, won't ya?
There he is. It's a
two-hour drive to the lake.
And you know how traffic is.
But I will for sure
be home for dinner.
In a couple of days.
See, she'll be home for
dinner in a... Couple of days?
Mama!
Mama. Mama.
You're not really gonna go off,
spend the weekend
with that man, are you?
[HORN HONKS]
Goodbye, Vinton.
But just what kind of an example
are you settin' for my children?
Vint, when your
kids are over 60,
they can do whatever
they damn well please.
Besides, what kind of an
example were you settin' for 'em
when you were foolin'
around with Naomi?
I married Naomi. Well.
Well, maybe Woody'll marry me.
Mar...?
Mama, you mean I'd have
a new daddy livin' here?
Well, no. Woody's
work is in Chicago.
I guess we'd have to live there.
Well, golly, Mama,
I don't wanna move to Chicago.
Woody and I would
live in Chicago.
You, Naomi and the
kids would stay here.
What?
Well, I... I guess I'd
just give you the house.
Let me carry that for you.
She's comin', Woody!
WOODY: Well, here...
Here it is, Thelma.
Just the way I remembered it.
Woo! I don't remember it
bein' on such a steep hill.
I cannot believe it has
not changed in 40 years.
Well, I wish I could say
the same for my feet.
I should have worn my corn pads.
Here, now.
Just let me carry you
over the threshold, girl.
Well, you'll do no such thing.
Well, you crazy fool.
Come on. Come on.
Put me down!
Well, good Lord. Come on, now.
Let go of my leg,
you crazy thing, you.
You're gonna
throw your back out,
and I'll have to go all the way
back down that hill for help.
You crazy thing.
Thelma, there's a mouse.
Where?
[LAUGHS]
Hey!
[LAUGHING]
Oh! You scared me to death.
Let me up. What's the trouble?
Let me up, good Lord.
Why, Thelma, if I
didn't know better,
I'd say you were just
as squeamish now
as you were the last
time we were here.
Now, that's just nonsense.
I'm a grown woman now.
Look, I have waited 40 years
to catch that girl that
got away from me.
And now, woman, I have got her.
Well, good
Lord... Stop it. I do.
I am starvin'.
How 'bout that picnic? I'm
gonna race you down to the lake.
I got a better idea.
Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.
Let's have the
picnic right here.
Here? Well, Uh-huh.
I... I... Just the two of us.
Come on, now. Come on, come on.
Well, all right. Just... Just,
let me wipe this table
off here. It's filthy.
I bet nobody's
cleaned this place
since the last time
we were up here.
Oh, forget about
the cleanin', Thelma.
You're supposed to
relax and have fun.
Well, I'm... I'm havin' fun.
It's just that dust
kinda cramps my style.
That's part of the rustic
charm of this old place,
don't you see?
No newspapers,
no telephone, no TV.
No TV?
You can have a good time,
Thelma, without television.
Well, I know that.
It's just that it's
Saturday night,
and I never miss Gimme a Break.
Lord, that woman's
got a mouth on her.
Here you go.
As I remember it, you
had the same complaint
the last time we
he... We were here.
Only then it was
Fibber Magee and Molly,
and you were upset 'cause
we hadn't brought a radio.
That Fib... Fib...
Fibber Magee and Molly.
That was my favorite show.
I used to love it when
they opened that closet.
That was my most favorite part.
All right, now, here's to you...
and to me...
and to home
computers. All right.
Home computers?
Mm-hm.
I've decided to sell my
frozen-food business
and go into the home
computer market.
Well, Woody, that's nuts.
You'll lose everything
you've worked so hard for.
But I like to take risks.
That's what makes life exciting.
Will you stop it
now? You know what,
you never did take
my opinion seriously.
You've got the same
problem you had 40 years ago.
You just won't let
yourself have a good time.
You're just sore 'cause I
didn't let you have a good time.
Well, it all comes
back to me now.
You wouldn't let your hair
down and enjoy yourself,
so you decided to pick a fight
about some stupid little thing.
It was not stupid.
I still maintain that
nobody in their right mind
puts mustard on French fries.
There you go.
You're doin' it again.
This has nothing to do
with French fries or mustard.
It has everything to do
with keeping us apart.
Don't you see... Oh!
You are the same now
as you were 40 years ago.
Lord, all you want
me for is my body.
Oh, Thelma...
Your body is the least
of it. Don't you see?
I mean... Well, don't you
remember what we had?
We'd stay up half the night.
Talking and sharing
our dreams and laughing.
Oh, I thought we had it
all together. It was magic.
You were nuts.
We were both nuts.
We were young.
Thank goodness I
finally came to my senses
and married Carl Harper,
someone with his
feet on the ground.
Okay, so you married
a stick in the mud.
Now it's time to
have a little fun.
W... Let's just not
talk about my husband.
Lord rest his soul. Poor
man's dead and gone,
and that's exactly the way
I wanna remember him.
[SIGHS]
I always did wonder what my life
would have been like
if I had married you.
I always wished I had this
weekend to do over again.
And now that we have, I
realize we did the right thing
the first time.
Well, I'm glad we
got back here anyway.
Well, so am I.
Just goes to prove:
you can't go home again.
The hell we can't.
Last one down the
hill is a rotten egg.
I got the beer.
I'll bet I can beat
you down the hill.
Now, Thelma, listen.
If you're uptight about
the cabin, there's a grove...
You never could
run as fast as I could.
A little grove of apple trees
halfway down. You remember?
Uh... [GROANS]
How's yours, Vint?
Is Salisbury steak
supposed to be crunchy?
Don't ask me.
I followed the
instructions to the letter.
Forty-five degrees
for 350 minutes.
Hello, everybody. I'm back.
Hey, Grandma. Hi. Well, Mama.
Well, we didn't expect you back.
What are you doin' here now?
I thought you said you and Woody
were staying away all weekend.
We are. We're stayin'
away from each other.
You had a fight. I knew
he wasn't dependable.
Well, he is too dependable.
He shows up every 40
years, just like clockwork.
Mama, you mean, uh,
nothin' happened at the lake?
No, Vinton, everything's
intact, me and my picnic basket.
Food! What a shame.
Got anything in there?
BUZZ: Is there a chicken leg?
That's nothin'.
Mmm... Don't you want something?
No, thank you. I'm goin' to bed.
VINT: On the way, could
you make us some lemonade?
MAMA: Forget it. There wasn't
no squeezin' up at the cabin.
There ain't gonna be any here.
[♪♪♪]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
♪ Down in the meadow
In the itty-bitty pool ♪
♪ Fam fee Little fiddies... ♪
Frannie.
Well, here, let me
help you with that.
♪ Fam fee little fiddies
And a mama fiddy too ♪
♪ Fim, said the mama
fiddy Fim if you can ♪
♪ And they fam, and
they fam All over the dam ♪
♪ Everybody Boop, boop ♪
♪ Dittum dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
Somebody is certainly
in a good mood.
Well, what's so
unusual about that?
Well, I mean, you are in an
extraordinarily good mood.
What's goin' on here?
Nothing's goin' on.
What do you mean?
You're all gussied up, Thelma.
My Lord, you're
wearing lipstick.
And unless my poor
stuffed-up nose deceives me,
is that not perfume you have on?
What's the big occasion here?
No big occasion.
I just happen to be goin'
out to dinner, that's all.
So how was your day?
My day was tragic,
if you want to know.
Mr. Yakley called me from
the First Methodist Church,
and he said that
just because I have
this little touch of laryngitis,
he would propose that I forgo
choir practice this evening.
Isn't that a shame?
[HUFFS]
Did you say you were
goin' out to dinner?
Well, it's not that unusual.
I ran into an old friend today,
and we're goin' out to dinner.
End of story.
Don't sit down, don't sit down.
I wanna show you
something. What?
This is your lasagna
for dinner tonight.
Now, all you got to
do is put it in the oven,
350 degrees for 90 minutes.
You are not suggesting
that I prepare dinner,
after the exhausting and
emotional day I have just had.
Well, I'm sorry, Fran, but Vinton's
not as good with numbers as you are.
I hardly think that a
valid argument, Thelma.
Well, fine, then
just don't cook it.
Eat a lasagna popsicle.
All right, I really
don't mind. I'll do it.
Actually, I'm glad to
learn that you have a friend
to go out to dinner with.
So what's her name?
His name is Woody Miller.
♪ Boop boop dittum dattum ♪
A man?
Thelma...
You are going out
to dinner with a man?
No, Frannie, a basset hound.
Oh, Thelma, it's not that
big, beady-eyed shoemaker,
you know, the one
that's always trying
to give you a free half-sole?
Well, for pity's sakes, Frannie.
Well, it's not that
runty little produce man.
Thelma? You know,
the one with the twitch.
Well, good Lord, Fran, I
know more men than that.
Well, I'm just
tryin' to find out
if you're gonna go out
with somebody peculiar.
♪ Down in the meadow... ♪
Thelma.
♪ Fam fee little fiddies
And a mama fiddy too ♪
Oh, hey, Mama.
Hello, Vinton. Thank you.
Well, look at you,
all gussied up.
You look great.
Thank you.
Oh, my Lord, who died?
Nobody died.
Well, what are you wearing
your funeral dress for?
Vinton, just because I
wore this to a funeral once
doesn't make it a funeral dress.
I wore it to the
airport once too.
Does that make
it an airport dress?
Your mama, it seems,
has a date with a
man this evening.
Isn't that wonderful?
Well, yeah, that is wonderful.
A date?
Well, I don't know, Mama.
Who... Who is he?
Woody Miller.
We knew each other
when we were young.
Anyway, he got married
and moved out of town.
And I got married
and stayed in town.
And that was the end of it.
Never saw him again till today.
You saw him today?
Well, it was the
darnedest thing.
I was doing my marketing,
not expecting to run into
anybody in particular...
Except for old Mrs.
Potts, who, of course,
always does her marketing
every Wednesday afternoon.
Anyhow, all of a sudden,
out of the corner of my eye,
I notice that
somebody's wavin' at me.
And it was Woody.
Well I can't tell the story
if I'm gonna be interrupted
every time I open my mouth.
I'm sorry, Thelma.
I won't interrupt.
And it was Woody.
Turns out, he's a widower
now livin' in Chicago,
and he's in town till tomorrow
night, visitin' his sister.
Oh, you mean, he's
just in town overnight.
Oh. Well, isn't that adorable?
[CHUCKLES]
Our Thelma's gonna
have herself a fling.
Oh, good Lord, Frannie.
What sort of a fling
could two old fossils
like me and Woody have?
Hi, everybody.
What's for dinner?
Children, look at
your grandmother.
Doesn't she look nice?
You sure do, Grandma.
Who died?
Nobody died, Buzz.
Is she going to the airport?
Your grandma has a
date with a man tonight.
Why, I think that's
real nice, Grandma.
Thank you, Buzz.
I think it's weird.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
Freeze. It's for me.
Who's there?
WOODY: ♪ Down in the
meadow In the itty-bitty pool ♪
♪ Fam fee little fiddies ♪
BOTH: ♪ And mama fiddy too ♪
♪ Fim, said the mama
fiddy Fim if you can ♪
♪ And they fam, and
they fam All over the dam ♪
Oh, Woody. [LAUGHS]
You cute thing, you.
Oh, bless your heart.
I do hope that yellow
roses are still your favorite.
Well, you darlin'.
You remembered.
That's my family.
That's a relief.
I thought it was a painting.
Oh, stop.
Come on out here.
Come on and meet Woody.
Come on, hurry up.
Woody, this is my son, Vinton.
Vint. Woody.
This is Buzz and
Sonja, Vinton's children
by his first wife, who left him.
Buzz.
Sonja.
His current wife, Naomi,
is out of town,
visiting relatives.
Uh, Sonja, you wanna put
those in some water for me, baby.
Okay now, just a minute.
A rose for a rose.
[SCOFFS]
Get serious.
And who have we here?
This is my unmarried
sister, Fran.
Oh...
Yes, ordinarily, they keep
me hidden away in the attic.
[CHUCKLES]
A mad spinster, don't you know.
How do you do, Fran?
Of course, I just meant
unmarried by choice.
I prefer to play the field,
if you know what I mean.
Woody, come on,
we're gonna be late.
Let's get goin'.
I don't believe Mama mentioned
what line of work you're in.
She didn't? I own a
string of massage parlors.
Oh? Oh, would you stop it?
He owns a great big company
that makes frozen foods.
I was just pulling
your leg, Vint.
Oh-ho, well, I knew that.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Frozen foods, huh. Mm-hm.
I bet there's a
pretty penny in that.
Probably not as lucrative
as massage parlors,
but I do all right.
Well, you better do all right,
takin' me to a fancy place
like the Babylonian
Roof Gardens.
Come on, now,
we're gonna be late.
Babylonian Roof Gardens.
Uh-huh. Woo!
They even got valet
parking down there.
Yeah.
I'd be afraid to let
them park my car.
Would you?
How do you know
it's a real valet
and not just some
joker in a red coat
who's gonna take
off in your vehicle?
Well, there's that.
I wouldn't worry about it.
They rarely steal pickups
without doors. Come on, Woody.
Get the lead out. Let's go.
Awfully nice meeting you all.
And don't worry, I promise
to have her home by curfew.
Don't wait up.
BOTH: ♪ Boop, boop
Dittum dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ And they fam, and
they fam All over the dam ♪
♪ Boom ♪
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Thelma, you are a picnic.
Oh, you sweet old thing, you.
Have you...?
FRAN: Thelma?
Well, good Lord,
is that you at last?
It is so late.
Are you all right? I have
just been worried sick.
Oh, Frannie, we
had the most fun.
Tell her about the waiter.
Remember the waiter?
Oh, you mean the waiter.
Well, this waiter
came over to our table,
and he was holding a
big bottle of, uh, Chablis.
Chablis. Yeah, yeah.
He said to me... And
he says to Woody,
BOTH: "Wine, sir? Wine, sir?"
So Woody says,
"Oh, I'm so unhappy.
Oh, I'm so miserable."
You get it, Frannie? He whined.
I'm tellin' ya... We
were on the floor.
You are the cutest
little thing, you.
I guess you just...
had to be there.
Well, it is getting a little
bit, uh... Little bit late.
[AS DRACULA] And I do have to
get back to my castle before daylight.
Oh, you silly.
I'll walk you to your coffin.
Now, listen... [STAMMERS]
Thelma, have you made up
your mind about our weekend?
Oh, Woody, I don't know.
A cabin by the lake at our age?
Well, you saw On
Golden Pond, didn't you?
Well, yeah.
I also saw Gone with the Wind,
but I ain't about to
burn down Atlanta.
Is that a yes or a no?
Oh, Woody, I can't.
I haven't been away
with a man since...
Since...
Since you went away
with me 40 years ago?
Well, yes.
Oh, ho-ho.
I bet I could find
the same cabin,
just like I found the same girl.
Oh, Woody, I can't. Now, stop.
What would I tell my family?
Well, it's none of
their damn business.
[LAUGHING]
I'm gonna be
there with bells on.
That's a girl.
Oh, how did I ever let
you get away from me?
Oh, you cute thing.
Woo!
Just look at that.
It's almost daylight.
[ENGINE REVS]
I tell you, I don't
know whether to go out
and make a pot of coffee
or go upstairs and try to
go back to sleep or what.
Yeah, that Woody
is really a night owl.
I'll tell you, gimme a man
that can show you a good time.
Well, Thelma, if you ask me,
you are having
far too good a time,
and it is not becoming to you.
I think it is to everybody's
benefit that Mr. Woody Miller
is leaving tomorrow.
Well, no, he ain't. He's
stayin' the weekend.
We're gonna go to a
cabin up by the lake.
Oh!
Thelma.
Have you lost all
sense of propriety?
You do not go rushin'
off to a cabin by the lake
the first time a man asks you.
Well, this is the second
time he asked me.
And for your information,
I went the first time too.
You what?
Well, I was just
crazy about Woody.
I let him talk me into going
to this cabin up by the lake.
And what happened?
Nothin' happened.
I was scared outta my wits.
He ended up bringin' me
back home the very same day.
And I never saw him again.
Well, that's certainly
nothing to be ashamed of.
My goodness, you just acted
the way any young lady should.
That's right. And I ain't gonna
make the same mistake twice.
♪ Dittum dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
Good mornin', everybody.
Yeah, it's good if
you ain't hungry.
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
♪ Boop, boop Dittum
dattum wattum choo ♪
Don't you know any other song?
Well, somebody sure woke up
on the wrong side of
the bed this mornin'.
Mama, this can't
go on much longer.
It's your duty to stay
here and fix us a breakfast
we don't have to turn a hose on.
Well, it's my duty to
get to Golden Pond
before the lake dries up.
Mama, I don't understand
how you can keep seein'
this Woody character,
day after day,
when you don't even
know what his intentions are.
I know exactly what
his intentions are.
The same as they
were 40 years ago.
Strictly dishonorable.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me
tell you somethin', Frannie.
If a man with Woody
Miller's looks and charms,
not to mention money, so much
as gave you a second glance,
you'd dance naked
down Main Street.
Is that so?
Well, let me tell you
something I wouldn't do.
I wouldn't go dancing off
to some sleazy weekend
in a cabin by a lake.
What's this about a
sleazy weekend in a cabin?
Uh-oh.
Shackin' up by the lake.
Way to go, Grandma.
Sonja, your grandma's
not shackin' up.
What are you doin', Grandma?
Well, darlin'... I'm
going on a picnic.
[FRAN GUFFAWS]
With Woody.
Hmph.
By the lake.
There you see?
And she'll be home
for dinner tonight, won't ya?
There he is. It's a
two-hour drive to the lake.
And you know how traffic is.
But I will for sure
be home for dinner.
In a couple of days.
See, she'll be home for
dinner in a... Couple of days?
Mama!
Mama. Mama.
You're not really gonna go off,
spend the weekend
with that man, are you?
[HORN HONKS]
Goodbye, Vinton.
But just what kind of an example
are you settin' for my children?
Vint, when your
kids are over 60,
they can do whatever
they damn well please.
Besides, what kind of an
example were you settin' for 'em
when you were foolin'
around with Naomi?
I married Naomi. Well.
Well, maybe Woody'll marry me.
Mar...?
Mama, you mean I'd have
a new daddy livin' here?
Well, no. Woody's
work is in Chicago.
I guess we'd have to live there.
Well, golly, Mama,
I don't wanna move to Chicago.
Woody and I would
live in Chicago.
You, Naomi and the
kids would stay here.
What?
Well, I... I guess I'd
just give you the house.
Let me carry that for you.
She's comin', Woody!
WOODY: Well, here...
Here it is, Thelma.
Just the way I remembered it.
Woo! I don't remember it
bein' on such a steep hill.
I cannot believe it has
not changed in 40 years.
Well, I wish I could say
the same for my feet.
I should have worn my corn pads.
Here, now.
Just let me carry you
over the threshold, girl.
Well, you'll do no such thing.
Well, you crazy fool.
Come on. Come on.
Put me down!
Well, good Lord. Come on, now.
Let go of my leg,
you crazy thing, you.
You're gonna
throw your back out,
and I'll have to go all the way
back down that hill for help.
You crazy thing.
Thelma, there's a mouse.
Where?
[LAUGHS]
Hey!
[LAUGHING]
Oh! You scared me to death.
Let me up. What's the trouble?
Let me up, good Lord.
Why, Thelma, if I
didn't know better,
I'd say you were just
as squeamish now
as you were the last
time we were here.
Now, that's just nonsense.
I'm a grown woman now.
Look, I have waited 40 years
to catch that girl that
got away from me.
And now, woman, I have got her.
Well, good
Lord... Stop it. I do.
I am starvin'.
How 'bout that picnic? I'm
gonna race you down to the lake.
I got a better idea.
Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.
Let's have the
picnic right here.
Here? Well, Uh-huh.
I... I... Just the two of us.
Come on, now. Come on, come on.
Well, all right. Just... Just,
let me wipe this table
off here. It's filthy.
I bet nobody's
cleaned this place
since the last time
we were up here.
Oh, forget about
the cleanin', Thelma.
You're supposed to
relax and have fun.
Well, I'm... I'm havin' fun.
It's just that dust
kinda cramps my style.
That's part of the rustic
charm of this old place,
don't you see?
No newspapers,
no telephone, no TV.
No TV?
You can have a good time,
Thelma, without television.
Well, I know that.
It's just that it's
Saturday night,
and I never miss Gimme a Break.
Lord, that woman's
got a mouth on her.
Here you go.
As I remember it, you
had the same complaint
the last time we
he... We were here.
Only then it was
Fibber Magee and Molly,
and you were upset 'cause
we hadn't brought a radio.
That Fib... Fib...
Fibber Magee and Molly.
That was my favorite show.
I used to love it when
they opened that closet.
That was my most favorite part.
All right, now, here's to you...
and to me...
and to home
computers. All right.
Home computers?
Mm-hm.
I've decided to sell my
frozen-food business
and go into the home
computer market.
Well, Woody, that's nuts.
You'll lose everything
you've worked so hard for.
But I like to take risks.
That's what makes life exciting.
Will you stop it
now? You know what,
you never did take
my opinion seriously.
You've got the same
problem you had 40 years ago.
You just won't let
yourself have a good time.
You're just sore 'cause I
didn't let you have a good time.
Well, it all comes
back to me now.
You wouldn't let your hair
down and enjoy yourself,
so you decided to pick a fight
about some stupid little thing.
It was not stupid.
I still maintain that
nobody in their right mind
puts mustard on French fries.
There you go.
You're doin' it again.
This has nothing to do
with French fries or mustard.
It has everything to do
with keeping us apart.
Don't you see... Oh!
You are the same now
as you were 40 years ago.
Lord, all you want
me for is my body.
Oh, Thelma...
Your body is the least
of it. Don't you see?
I mean... Well, don't you
remember what we had?
We'd stay up half the night.
Talking and sharing
our dreams and laughing.
Oh, I thought we had it
all together. It was magic.
You were nuts.
We were both nuts.
We were young.
Thank goodness I
finally came to my senses
and married Carl Harper,
someone with his
feet on the ground.
Okay, so you married
a stick in the mud.
Now it's time to
have a little fun.
W... Let's just not
talk about my husband.
Lord rest his soul. Poor
man's dead and gone,
and that's exactly the way
I wanna remember him.
[SIGHS]
I always did wonder what my life
would have been like
if I had married you.
I always wished I had this
weekend to do over again.
And now that we have, I
realize we did the right thing
the first time.
Well, I'm glad we
got back here anyway.
Well, so am I.
Just goes to prove:
you can't go home again.
The hell we can't.
Last one down the
hill is a rotten egg.
I got the beer.
I'll bet I can beat
you down the hill.
Now, Thelma, listen.
If you're uptight about
the cabin, there's a grove...
You never could
run as fast as I could.
A little grove of apple trees
halfway down. You remember?
Uh... [GROANS]
How's yours, Vint?
Is Salisbury steak
supposed to be crunchy?
Don't ask me.
I followed the
instructions to the letter.
Forty-five degrees
for 350 minutes.
Hello, everybody. I'm back.
Hey, Grandma. Hi. Well, Mama.
Well, we didn't expect you back.
What are you doin' here now?
I thought you said you and Woody
were staying away all weekend.
We are. We're stayin'
away from each other.
You had a fight. I knew
he wasn't dependable.
Well, he is too dependable.
He shows up every 40
years, just like clockwork.
Mama, you mean, uh,
nothin' happened at the lake?
No, Vinton, everything's
intact, me and my picnic basket.
Food! What a shame.
Got anything in there?
BUZZ: Is there a chicken leg?
That's nothin'.
Mmm... Don't you want something?
No, thank you. I'm goin' to bed.
VINT: On the way, could
you make us some lemonade?
MAMA: Forget it. There wasn't
no squeezin' up at the cabin.
There ain't gonna be any here.
[♪♪♪]