Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 7 - Mama Gets a Job - full transcript

Mama's in a funk because she met one of her aunts, "who's three days older than God," but has a job. Mama's never worked outside the house in her life, so Vint and Naomi talk her into applying at an employment agency. Sure enough, she actually gets a position at the Raytown Travel Agency as a "mature" receptionist for travel agents, but it doesn't take long for her personality -- and frequent calls from home -- to get her into hot water.

[♪♪♪]

Do you have to do that here?

Well, I'm just
paintin' my toenails.

Some things should be done

in the privacy of
your own bedroom.

Some things are done in
the privacy of our bedroom.

Oh, I know. I know. I know.

All the time.

It's part of the
marriage contract.

Well, I got a contract
with the exterminator too,

but he don't come over
here and spray for ants



every blessed night of the week.

Ms. Harper, what has
gotten into you tonight?

Nothing.

Just an old lady.

I haven't done
nothing with my life.

Nonsense. You've got half
your life ahead of you yet.

Half my life, ha.

How many people you
know live to be 130?

Age doesn't matter. It's
what's inside that counts.

Naomi, my insides are
as old as my outsides.

But, Mama, you've
been old for years.

Why is it just
bothering you now?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, put a cork in it, Vinton.



I ran into crazy old
Aunt Effie today.

Well, she starts bending
my ear about how

she's gone out and
gotten herself a job.

Aunt Effie?

Why, she's three
days older than God.

What kind of job
could she possibly get?

Well, a good one,
accordin' to her.

She's working as a filing
clerk down at the courthouse.

Can you beat that?

And you know what the old
bat had the nerve to say to me

after she finished braggin'
about her highfalutin job?

What? Get this.

"Thelma, how's the family?"

Now, what do you
figure she meant by that?

Mama, don't be silly.

It isn't silly.

You've all got jobs
to keep you interested.

You're doing something
useful with your life.

But what purpose do I serve?

There's gotta be somethin'
more than sitting here watching

the Days of Our Lives and
folding your Fruit of the Looms.

I'll take care of this, honey.

Ms. Harper?

What?

Now, I know just how you
feel, but we gotta find something

that's gonna keep
you interested.

So how about a nice hobby?

Oh, it's come to that, has it?

Sit Mama in a corner somewhere

and let her make fancy
doodads out of beer-can tops.

No, thank you.

Well, then maybe you oughta
go out and find yourself a job.

A job? Well, Lordy,
what could I do?

There's a placement
agency down at the mall.

I bet they could
find a job for you.

For somebody my age?

Well, sure, they're
always looking for women

who aren't gonna
run off and get married

or turn around and get pregnant.

Well, I certainly
fit that description.

So why don't you
get your rear in gear

and go down, apply for a job.

Oh, Naomi.

You really think I could get my
rear in gear and get me a job?

I sure do. Aunt Effie did.

Well, that's right. She did.
If Effie can do it, so can I.

Hell, she's been running
on empty for years.

If six men can dig a ditch
3 yards wide, 4 feet deep

and 25 feet long in eight hours,

eight men can dig the
same ditch in five hours.

How long would it
take two men to...

Well, I don't know
why all these suckers

don't just drop their shovels
and go have themselves a beer.

Well, what are you staring at?

Ain't you ever seen an old
woman freak out on a test before?

Mrs. Harper, I'm ready
to interview you now.

Well, I ruined my test
here. I didn't finish it.

Well, that's all right.

We'll worry about that later.

Come along. Right this way.

Now, if you'll
just sit right here.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm sorry I broke your pencil.

Well, that's quite all right.

I get real nervous
when I take tests.

Well, that's
understandable. So do I.

I'm sweatin' bullets right now.

Mrs. Harper, I just have a
few questions I must ask you.

Well, all right, long as I don't
have to dig that ditch again.

Now, first, I must have
your age, Mrs. Harper.

Fifty-three.

[CHUCKLES]

Fifty-three.

Eh, are you married?

No, I'm widowed.

I'm sorry.

So is he.

Did you graduate from college?

No. No.

High school?

No.

No.

But you did complete
grade school.

Well, boy, this is sure "Pick
on Thelma Harper Day,"

isn't it?

Not really.

It's just that I'm trying
to find something

that is suited to you.

Have you any work experience?

Well, no, I haven't
worked in 40 years.

Well, Mrs. Harper,
it's going to be difficult

finding a position for you.

Well, why is that?

Well, because you
have very little education,

you've never done anything,
and you have no special skills.

Well, that never stopped them
people down at the post office.

Ah.

Here's something.
Raytown Travel Agency.

Do you know how
to answer the phone?

No, usually when
it rings at my house,

I run around in a
little circle and yell:

"What'll I do? What'll
I do? What'll I do?"

I mean in a business office.

Well, I would imagine they
all work pretty much the same.

You talk into the end
that has the big holes,

and the voice comes out
the end with the small holes.

Well, I... I think
this'll be ideal for you.

The Raytown Travel Agency
is looking for a mature woman

to answer phones and to direct
people who come into the office.

Well, I guess I can handle that.

Ah, well, if you want the job,
it's yours. You start tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Saturday.
Don't I even get a day off?

Usually it's their busiest day.

Now, this is all the
information you'll need.

I'll call them and tell
them to expect you.

Mama... could I talk to you?

Well, yeah, just
grab this dishtowel

and talk to me while
you help with the dishes.

Mama, I can't think and
dry dishes at the same time.

Well, how do you know, Vinton?

You've never
really tried either.

Mama, tomorrow
you are going out there

into the working world.

It's a jungle out there.

You're gonna meet
some mean people.

Vinton, I'm going to work for
the Raytown Travel Agency,

not the roller derby.

Well, for heaven's
sake, Ms. Harper,

you shouldn't be
doing the dishes

on the night before your
very first day on the job.

You get up first thing in
the morning and do 'em then.

She won't have time
to do 'em in the morning.

She's got to iron my shirt.

I ain't ironing your shirt.

And I ain't doing
any more dishes.

If I'm gonna be a working girl,

then we're all just gonna
have to pitch in here,

and there's no better time to
start than now. Here you go.

What? I can't wash dishes.

These are the
hands of a locksmith.

Well, this is the
mouth of a mother,

and this mother is
saying get up here.

Apron goes just like that.

Come on over here to the
sink, say hello to Mr. Sponge,

say hello to Mr. Hot
Water, say goodbye to me.

Here you go.

Right this way, Mrs. Harper.

Oh, my, look at this.

Isn't this nice?

Now, Mrs. Harper,

you are going to be very
important to this office,

because you're going
to be the first person

that the new customer sees.

All right.

And we want you to greet them

with a great big cheery smile.

Fine. Now, let's see that smile.

Attagirl.

You know how happy people
are when they travel, Mrs. Harper?

We want that happiness to
begin right here in this office

with that beautiful smile.

Well, you sweet thing.

Now, here's your desk.

You sit there,
there's your phone.

You put the customers here,

and then you offer
them a cup of coffee.

All right, fine. How
much do I charge 'em?

Oh, no. It's free.

Compliments of
Raytown Travel Agency.

Well, it's your money.

Now, in the top drawer,
you'll find some forms.

Oh, yes. Here we
are. That's it. That's it.

Now, you simply fill that in,

direct the customer
to one of our agents.

Any questions?

When's payday?

Every other Friday.

Now, you'll also be
answering our phones.

And this is the way you do that:

It's a great day here at
Raytown Travel Agency.

May I help you?

Would you try that?

You want me to
try that right now?

It... It's a great
day here at Ray...

No, no, no.

[EXCITEDLY] It's a great day.

It's a great day here at
Raytown Travel Agency.

May I help you?

No, no, no.

[LOUDLY] May I help you?

May I help you?

Attagirl.

If you have any problems,
pop into my office any time.

Thank you very much.
Let me see that smile.

Oh, Mr. Vogelman.

You can call me Herbert.

Oh, Herbert.

It's a great day
here... It's a... It's a...

It's a great day here at
Raytown Travel Agency.

May I help... May I
help... May I help you?

Buzz and Sonja there.

Great day here...

Raytown Travel
Agency. May I help you?

May I help you?

Great day here.

Great day here.

Raytown Travel Agency.

May I help you?

It's a great day here.

It's a great day.

It's a great day here
at Raytown Travel...

[PHONE RINGS]

Uh-oh.

Great day...

It's a great day here at Ray...

[RINGING CONTINUES]

It's a great day here at
Raytown Travel Agency.

May I...

It's a great day here at
Raytown Travel Agency.

May I help you?

Well, what the... Hello?

No, you have to press
down the button Hello?

That's flashing, Mrs. Harper.

Oh, well, it's a great day here

at the Raytown Travel
Agency. May I help you?

[DIAL TONE]

Hello?

Hello?

Well, I guess if it's
important they'll call back.

I feel like such
a fool, Herbert.

Oh, it's an honest
mistake, Mrs. Harper.

Thelma.

Thelma.

Now, look, it's simple.

Press down the button that's
flashing, take the message

and press the hold,
that's the red button,

and press the com, intercom,

and then take the names off
the list on the side of the phone.

Got that?

Not really.

All right, now. Press
the one that's flashing.

Then I press the hold
button, that's the red one,

and then I...

Well, now I forgot
to take the message.

You press the
one that's flashing,

then you take your message,

then you press your
hold button and then you...

Well, don't just stand there.

Come on in.

Come on, you're standing
there like a couple of dodoes.

Come on.

Come on. Come on
over here and sit down.

There you go. Go on. Go on.
Sit down there. Go on. Go on.

Put it right down
there. There you go.

Now, you want some coffee?

That would be very nice.

I'm gonna get it
for you right here.

Cream and sugar?

Yes, please.

Three lumps for each of us.

Well, now, I'm only
gonna put two lumps.

You keep putting three lumps,

you're gonna wind
up with diabetes

or boils on your neck.

All right. Here we are, now.

This here's free.

Compliments of the
Raytown Travel Agency.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, well, now,
I got to get this.

Push down the
one that's flashing.

It's a great day here at
the Raytown Travel Agency.

May I help you?

Oh, hello, Buzz.

It's my grandson, Buzz.

What is it, Buzz?

No, Grandma doesn't know
where your sneakers are.

Well, I would imagine

they're probably right
where you took 'em off, baby.

All right, bye-bye, sweetheart.

He can't find his sneakers
for basketball practice.

We would like to
arrange a trip to Tahiti.

Tahiti! Well, you wouldn't
know to look at the two of you

that you had a
nickel to your name.

Okay, now, let's
see... [PHONE RINGS]

Oh, well, now, you'll
have to excuse me here.

It's a... It's a great day here
at the Raytown Travel Agency.

May I... Well, hello, Vinton.

It's my son, Vinton.

What do you want, Vint?

Well, no, I didn't
iron your shirt.

Well, if you don't got one to
wear to work, you just don't.

Well, maybe that wife of yours
could learn how to use the iron.

Tell her that the
flat side goes down.

Goodbye.

Honestly. Children. They're
nothing but heartaches.

Our children are
sending us to Tahiti.

I couldn't even get
mine to drive me to work.

All right, now, let's see here.

What is your name?

Mr. and Mrs. Bre...

[PHONE RINGS] Well, good Lord.

It's a great day at the
Ray... Naomi, I'm at work.

Well, no, I don't know
where Buzz's sneakers are.

I'm real glad you got a
bridal shower to go to.

That's real nice.

If you can't iron Vinton a
shirt, you can't. That's all.

Just tell him to wear the
shirt he wore yesterday.

He doesn't work hard enough
to sweat anyway. Goodbye.

All right, now,
what's your name?

Mr. and Mrs. Brennan.

Brennan. That's probably
got two N's there in the middle.

Uh-uh.

All right, and
what's that address?

Uh, 1608 Bedford...
[PHONE RINGS]

Well, hell.

Who is it?

Naomi, quit screaming at me

and tell me why you
can't go to your party.

You can't put your makeup on?

Well, why not?

Where is it? Miss,
could we get on with...

Just hold your horses, Brennan.

I got a family crisis here.

Well, why in the
world would Sonja

lock herself in the bathroom?

Will you listen to this?

Naomi is blaming Sonja
for losing Buzz's sneakers,

now nobody can
get into the bathroom.

Just have Vinton get her out.

Hell, he's a
locksmith, isn't he.

Miss, could we... Miss,
could we get on with this?

Well, you're sure
in an all-fired hurry

to see naked women, ain't ya?

We don't have to
sit here and take this.

No, but I see you're sure
gulping down that free coffee

in a hurry.

Is there a problem here?

Yes. We came here
to arrange a trip,

and we get nothing
but insults from this lady.

Well, if you could just
keep your drawers on.

I'll get you to Tahiti

if I have to tie an
inner tube to two trees

and shoot you there myself.

Mrs. Harper, I am
very disturbed at this.

Well, that makes
two of us, Herbert.

May I remind you that your job

is to make the
customers feel welcome.

That doesn't mean I gotta let
them treat me like a doormat.

Yes, it does.

That's the name of the
game in the travel business.

We don't wanna step on anybody.
All we want is a trip to Tahiti.

Oh, will you give it a rest?

We all know about the free
trip you mooched off your kids.

We'll just take our business
elsewhere, thank you.

I take three lumps, anyway.

I'm afraid your employment
here is terminated.

Why don't you go back
home to your loved ones.

Wasn't for my damn loved
ones, I'd still have a job.

[PHONE RINGS]

I don't care if you
can't find your sneakers.

I don't care if you
don't got a shirt.

I don't care if you can't
get to your makeup.

This is not my problem!

It's for you, Herbert.

[ENTHUSIASTICALLY] It's a great
day here at the Raytown Travel Agency.

The hell it is.

All I'm saying is the next
time you yell at the kids,

plan ahead and iron me a
shirt before the fight starts.

Oh, iron your own shirt.

I'm not your slave.

I am your wife.

Ironin' is woman's
work... [DOOR SLAMS]

Ms. Harper, what are
you doing home so early?

Oh, Mama, I didn't
expect you back so...

Hey, everybody, I found my
sneakers. They're right where...

Right where you
left 'em. Grandma.

Get 'em on. Get to
basketball practice.

Yes, grandma.

Naomi, get your
stepdaughter out of the john.

Yes, Ms. Harper.

Vinton, give me five minutes.
I will have your shirt ironed.

Yes, Mama.

Sonja, you come out
of there right this minute.

SONJA: In your dreams.

This is your grandma speaking.

You get out of there
before I count to three,

or I'm coming in after you.

One...

Bye, everybody. I'm
going to Becky's house.

Naomi, you may put on a
new face now, if you like.

And don't anybody speak
to me for the rest of the day.

Mama?

What happened?

I got fired.

Aw, Mama, I'm sorry.

Well, I told you it
was a jungle out there.

Vinton, have you
ever seen any of them

Walt Disney
True-Life Adventures?

You know, like, where a mama

has a bunch of baby
birds in her nest, you know?

Oh, yeah. I love those.

Yeah, and the mama
bird protects the babies

and takes care of them
and feeds 'em and...

And does all that for 'em
until the time that she feels

that maybe they're able
to be out on their own.

Yeah?

So then she kind of gives them
a little nudge out of the nest.

And... And if they
can fly, they fly away,

and they don't ever come back.

But if they can't:

[CLAPS LOUDLY]

Splat.

What are you trying to tell me?

Vinton, don't ever
climb a tree with me.

VINT: Well, it's not
my fault you got fired.

MAMA: It is your fault.

And it's Naomi's, and
Buzz's, and Sonja's.

It's all your faults.

VINT: You can
still get another job.

MAMA: I'll get another job
when you birds learn how to fly.

[♪♪♪]