Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 6 - Cellmates - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[BLUEGRASS MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

[CHATTERING]

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, fun place, isn't it, Mama?

It's a dump.

Don't they ever wipe these
tables off around here?

Yeah, it is your
turn. Hey, come on.

Keep it up, punk. I'm
gonna break your face.

Oh, Vinton, just look at
the class of people in here.

I'm terrified for my life.



Well, you act like it's a
criminal hideout or something.

What are you doing?

Trying to find a clean
spot to drink off of.

Just like Eunice to be late
for her own birthday party.

Mama, she doesn't know it's
her birthday party, remember?

Well, I wish she'd
hurry up and get here

so's we could get it over with.

Ed, I don't understand. Come on.

How come we're
stoppin' for a drink here?

Well, it's right on the way to
the Babylonian Roof Garden.

Well, can't... Can't we
have our drink there?

Well, no, our
reservation isn't till 8:00.

Besides, we haven't seen
the old Jigger in a long time.

Yeah, well, now that
we've seen it, let's go.



Oh, come on, Eunice, loosen up.

Grab life.

Well, for heaven's
sake, look who's here.

Mama? Vint?

Surprise!

Surprise!

[LAUGHING]

Yeah!

Where the hell have you been?

We're only five minutes late,

and don't forget I had to
keep it from you-know-who.

I mean, I couldn't just say,
"Come on, Eunice, hurry up."

She'd say, "Why?"

Then I'd be in a pickle.

Oh, oh, I see.

I see, uh-huh.
Well... [CHUCKLES]

come on, fess up,
whose idea was this?

All of ours, all of ours.
Everybody's, everybody's.

[LAUGHTER]

Let me get this straight.

Are you telling me

that there is no Babylonian
Roof Garden tonight?

No, that was just a blind.

This is the surprise.

Well, I mean, maybe...

Maybe there's more
of a surprise later on

at the Babylonian Roof Garden,

you know, maybe
with all our friends?

What friends, Eunie?

Well, I don't know, maybe
the neighbors or something.

No, this is it.
This is the party.

Now, come on, sit down.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah,
sit down, sit down.

Look at her face.
Look at her face.

Surprise.

Gotcha. Ha, ha.

[VINTON CHUCKLING]

Naomi's coming later.

Oh, wonderful.

Yeah.

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Barbara ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

It's Eunice. Oh.

Complimentary party
hats, folks. Oh, hats, hats.

One for you... No
charge and our pleasure.

Here we go, here.
Don't give me...

And for the birthday girl.
I don't want no party hat.

I gotcha, birthday girl.

[VINT AND ED CHUCKLING]

Duke Reeves.

Duke Reeves? Where?

Well, over against
the wall there.

See?

EUNICE: Oh.

You remember Duke, Eunice?

Vaguely.

Duke Reeves? Duke Reeves?

Oh, you never knew him, Ed.

He's just this boy I used
to know in high school.

I told you about him.
He was always after me.

After you? You drove
that poor boy nuts.

Anyway, that was a
long, long time ago,

and I picked Ed 'cause
he was more solid.

Well, you made a
good choice, Eunice.

That Duke Reeves
was kind of a phony.

Oh, he was good-looking
in an obvious kind of way,

but he was real
dumb, if ya ask me.

Dumb, huh? Yeah.

Dumb Duke.

Here Duke. Here Duke.

[LAUGHS]

Vinton. I never knew
you knew Duke Reeves.

I didn't, I just talked
to him one time

when we was back in high school.

You know that time he
come over to the house.

Duke Reeves come
over to my house?

Mm. Vint, I think
you're mixed-up.

No, I'm not. No, he come
over with some flowers.

He wanted to take Eunice
out for a soda or so...

Oh. Oh, maybe I am mixed-up.
It was probably another guy.

Or maybe Ellen's boyfriend...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on there. I want the truth.

We'll talk later, Eunice.

Now!

MAMA: Eunice, for pity's sakes,

could we just enjoy
your damn birthday.

Did Duke Reeves or did he
not ever come by my house?

I don't remember. You're
talking 20 years ago.

Duke Reeves!

Duke Reeves come over
to my house to take me out

for a soda when we
was in high school,

and you turned him away?

Duke Reeves, the only
man in my life I ever loved?

Hang on there.

This doesn't concern you.

Please, we are in
the Bigger Jigger.

EUNICE: I don't care
if we are in the Vatican.

You are makin'
an ass of yourself.

His parents were
trying to avoid a lawsuit,

so they sent the boy over
to our house to apologize

for nearly getting you killed
in front of the school that day.

That's not true. It is.

You hounded that boy so bad

he had to jump in the
car to get away from you.

You went after him hanging
on to the back of the car.

That's a lie! You
went around the corner

and you slid into the gravel
and got all skinned up.

You were a lunatic where that
Duke Reeves was concerned,

and everybody knew
it. Didn't they, Vint?

I don't know about
everybody... Oh, you shut up!

This might be a good time
for me to pick up Naomi.

[SOBBING]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

If I had told you that
Duke Reeves came over,

ya never would've
left that poor boy alone.

And I wanted it
stopped right then.

You wanted it stopped?

It was my life you
were playin' with.

Oh, Lord, Lord,
Lord, Lord, Lord!

Duke Reeves. Who knows
what could've happened.

I could have been the
wife of a congressman,

and look at what
I ended up with.

I think I'll go to the men's
room and read the walls.

Well, now, Ed, you wait up...

Oh, no, you don't.

You just stay put. I'm
not finished with you.

I am going to the ladies' room.

Get back here...

Harry, are you gonna be able
to keep these customers in line

or are we gonna have to?

But this time,
you are facing me.

You have been nothing
but humiliation to me

since the day you
were born, Eunice.

Never a kind word, just
sassiness and impudence,

and I've always done
the best that I could.

The best you could is rotten!

Oh, that's the thanks I get
for throwing you this party.

Party? I'll show you
what I think of this party.

You don't...

Hey, hey, come on,
lady. I don't wanna dance!

Don't hit him, Eunice.

[SCREAMS]

Ow! Oh, my nose!

Oh!

[BLUEGRASS MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Oh, my Lord, my Lord,

I'm locked up like a criminal.

I see it hasn't dawned
on you yet, Mama,

that I am locked up too.

Nobody in our family
has ever been put in jail.

Uncle Willie.

Willie?

Well, that man was unbalanced.

Lord. Exposing himself
at the drop of a hat

in the frozen-food
section at the market.

Let me outta here!

Let me outta here!

I don't wanna be in
the same room with her.

I want a private cell!

How could you?

What?

Duke Reeves.

Oh, Lord, Eunice,
will you give it a rest.

I sent that boy away
for your own good.

You have never done anything
for my own good, Mama.

You have made fun of
me every turn of my life.

EUNICE: Well, it's about time.

Ladies, hold it right there.

I'm just bringing you
company, that's all.

Putting on some weight, Larry.

Boy, the way things
are tightening up,

it's getting impossible

for us working girls to
make a buck, isn't it?

Move 'em or lose 'em.

I don't think I've ever seen
you two girls in here before.

Well, that's because we
have never been here before.

Hey, Grandma, God love
ya. At your age and still at it.

You give me hope, girl.

Is that a blue rinse
or is that natural?

Don't you touch me.

Pleased to meet ya. My
name is Scarlet Mae DuBois.

[SCOFFS]

Well, nice to meet you too.

[GASPS]

EUNICE: Hey,

how come they let
you keep your purse?

I got friends in high places.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll just bet you do, sister.

Look, curly,

we may be together for a while.

Now, time's gonna
pass a lot quicker

if we all learn to get along.

Park it.

All right, now, let's
take it from the top.

My name is Scarlet.

What's yours?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Eunice, and this here's Mama.

That's better.

This here's Thelma.

To some people, I'm only Mama.

"Mama, get this. Mama, do that.
Mama, buy this. Mama, fix that."

Oh, come on. Since
when did Mama ever do,

get, buy, fix or do
anything for me?

Hey, don't you have no
respect for your mama?

Just who do you think you are,

telling me how to behave?

Now, look, honey, I
may only be a hooker,

but I know a hell of a lot more
about respect than you seem to.

Tell her, Scarlet.

Now, you just shut
up and sit down,

or I'm gonna
deviate your septum.

Where are you from, Thelma?

Raytown, born and bred.

In a couple of days, you're
gonna be laughing at this.

Oh, no. I'll never laugh again.

When did you ever laugh?

I am tryin' to talk to
Scarlet. Do you mind?

Why don't you just take a hike.

Oh, fine. I'll just take
a nice, long walk.

Where are you from, Scarlet?

Originally from Albuquerque

but I'm thinking of
moving to New York,

although they say out there the
competition is somethin' fierce.

Well, I've never been
to New York, myself.

But I always kind
of wanted to go.

Bull. When did you ever
wanna go anywhere?

And when did you ever
want us kids to go anywhere?

What do you know about
what I wanted or didn't want?

When did you ever ask?
I wanted a lot of things.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Sit down or I'll strangle
you with that ugly dress.

Go on, Thelma, dear.

Well, a lot of people thought

that I should have
been in the movies.

One time, Scarlet,

I took a picture of me
in a real tight sweater,

and I sent it off to that fellow
that discovered Lana Turner.

You did? What happened?

Well, I guess it must
have gotten lost in the mail,

I never heard nothing back.

So, what did you do then, honey?

Do? Why, I... I got married.

What... What else could I do?

You were lucky there.

You know, it's not easy
finding the right man to marry.

Uh-huh.

There was this one guy I
wanted to marry real bad.

But, you know,
he wanted me to...

Fool around?

Well, you know men,
all after one thing.

Thank goodness.

Anyway, I just told
him absolutely no,

I was not raised that way.

And you lost him, huh?

Yeah.

Then there was this other
fellow that I was just crazy about.

So this time I did fool around.

Hey, good for you.

And I lost him too.

Mama.

Oh, catch the train, Eunice.

What could I do?

My life was just...
Just going nowhere,

and all my friends were getting
married, and I-I just felt so...

So... Frustrated?

Frustrated. Thank you, Scarlet.

Anyway, there was this nice,
polite little goon that I knew,

so I just grabbed
him and married him.

I don't believe
what I am hearing.

Here you are...

You're pouring out all of
these sordid, sordid details

to this stranger,

and you have never
once told me any of this?

Well, when were
you ever interested?

Where were we, Scarlet?

Well, you grabbed
the little goon.

MAMA: Right.

Anyway, next thing I know,

I've got Ellen,
squalling and yelling,

and then before I can
hardly get my figure back,

along comes this one.

I don't know how it happened.

Her daddy and I
hardly ever got together,

except when there was absolutely
nothing else to do, you know.

Meanwhile,

there she was, and
I was stuck again.

And boy, was she a fussbudget.

First six months
of Eunice's life,

all she did was spit up.

[SCOFFS] All babies spit up.

Well, it wasn't just
that, it was everything.

Like what?

Well, she never did
anything I told her.

She threw her cereal
all over the kitchen,

she never did pick up her toys,

she brought awful friends over
to the house just to spite me.

What about those horrible
friends that you brought over,

and you always played
poker and drank beer...

When I tried to straighten
her out or spare her heartache,

she just sassed me right back.
She never tried to spare me

any heartache, she never
gave me a helping hand...

And never once did she say,
"Thank you, Mama. I love you."

She never wanted
me to say, "I love you."

And when did you ever say,

"I love you"? Oh...

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You're giving me a headache.

Mercy.

Now, Eunice.

Didn't your mama
ever do anything

to show you that she loved you?

Never, Scarlet.

She never changed your diapers,

fed you three meals
a day? Oh, well,

she had to do that. My Lord,

they'd have carted her
off to jail if she didn't.

Well, thanks to you, I
ended up there anyway.

I had nothing to do
with you... Lighten up!

Now, what about Eunice?

Didn't she ever do
anything to make you happy?

Yeah, she tried
to run away once.

Come on, Thelma. Didn't she
ever bring you any little presents

or anything like
that? Well, sure,

The school made her make things.

Dinky little valentines and
crummy knitted dishrags.

That was a scarf!

That was the ugliest dang
scarf I ever laid eyes on!

Turn it off!

Do you two really think you're
the only mother and daughter

that never got along?

Well, I could tell you stories
about me and my mama

that would straighten your hair.

I hated my mama,
every day of my life.

Now that she's gone... I'd
do anything to get her back.

[SOBBING] Go ahead.

Go ahead, tear each other apart.

You know what I think?

I think you're both
the same person.

The same person.

Two selfish little
brats each saying,

"I won't love you, if
you won't love me."

Now, isn't it about
time you both grew up?

[KEYS JANGLING]

Okay, ladies, let's go.
Someone's here to bail you out.

Eunice, I am shocked.

Where have you been?

Don't you start on me.
I've been through a lot.

I'm still shaking.

I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, well, don't worry,
you'll get over it.

Move it, girls, we
need the space.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

You ought to be out there
arresting real criminals.

I had $17.75 in my purse.

I expect to get every
single cent of it back.

How ya doing, Ed?

Long time, no see, Scarlet.

Well, I'm never setting
foot outta this house again.

I just wanna sit down
here for a minute.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I just need
to get a little fresh air.

A beer might hit the spot.

Don't want no beer.

I mean for me.

[SIGHS]

Ooh...

Say, Mama?

Wasn't it ever good
between you and Daddy?

Oh, we had a lot of laughs
playing miniature golf once.

No, I...

I mean in the
romantic department.

Eunice, did you ever
see that TV program,

The Wild, Wild World of Animals?

Uh-huh.

Where them little
insects fly around

and they mate while
they're still in midair

and they don't hardly
know that it's happening.

That's kind of what it
was like with your daddy.

Same way with Ed and me.

Ed has absolutely
no imagination, Mama.

It's always the same thing,
the same day of the week.

Well, now, Eunice, I
don't wanna hear this.

I'm sorry.

But I know exactly
what you're sayin'.

[GIGGLES]

Eunice, I want to say something.

I-I...

Well, I... I know that maybe

I haven't always been
such a good mother.

Oh, now, don't, Mama.

I mean, maybe I haven't always
been such a good daughter.

I reckon it's too late
to do anything about it.

Yeah, I guess so.

[SOBBING] Mama.

[CHUCKLES]

Been one hell of a
birthday for ya, eh, Barbara?

It's one I ain't gonna
forget, that's for sure.

Oh, well, yeah, I guess not.

It's getting kind
of chilly out here.

I think I best go in.

Yeah.

Hey, Mama, what are you
gonna tell the family about tonight?

Well, I'll tell 'em the truth. I
spent the evening in the jug.

[LAUGHING] I can't wait
to see Aunt Fran's face.

Oh.

Hey, Mama, would
you do me a favor?

Would you try to find that
picture that you had taken

where you was trying
to look like Lana Turner

Oh, Lord, in that sweater?

I'd never find that tonight.

Maybe another time.

Oh, good.

I don't know, Eunice, maybe
you would've made it in show biz.

Who knows.

Well, thank you, Mama.

Maybe I still will.

Oh, now, come on,
Eunice. At your age?

Don't start.

All I'm saying is that it
might have happened

when you were
younger, but not now.

Well, Mama, maybe it did
happen when I was younger.

Maybe... Maybe a
bunch of talent scouts

came right up to the porch
when I was in high school,

and they knocked on the door

and you sent 'em away just
like you did Duke Reeves.

MAMA: I sent him
away for your own good.

ED: Well, I wanna know
more about this Duke Reeves.

MAMA AND EUNICE: Oh, shut up.

[♪♪♪]