Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 5 - Family Feud - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

I want the whole family
around the table there.

Mama, you sit here.

Well, I've been sitting
here for 35 years.

I don't know why tonight
should be any different.

Hello, Mama, Vint, Naomi, Buzz.

Now that we got the amenities
over, what is so important

that you couldn't tell
me on the telephone?

Well, don't look at
me, it's all Vinton's idea.

Vinton's id...

I gave up an evening of
bridge for one of Vinton's ideas?



Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, how would you
folks like to make...

$10,000?

Does anybody know
what I got in my hand here?

Is it a letter, honey?

Right, right, it's a letter

inviting this
family... to be on...

Family Feud.

[ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY]

NAOMI: Why, baby, that's in
Hollywood. Are we gonna go to Hollywood?

They fly us there, put us up in
a hotel and pay for everything.

And they're gonna hand
us 10 grand too, huh?



No, no, no, we gotta
answer the questions

better than the other
family. But, shoot,

[CHUCKLES] when's the last time
you saw a family smarter than this one?

Last time I watched
The Flintstones.

[LAUGHS]

Well, there you go.

Mama, isn't this exciting? Huh?

This could be the
chance of a lifetime.

And you get to go up in
an airplane for the first time.

Well, Vinton, you
know I hate airplanes,

and I hate California.

And I don't want
that Richard Dawson

smoochin' all over me.

Just go without me, go
without me, go without me.

Mama. Mama, this is a
big opportunity for me,

for all of us.

And we absolutely need you.

Well, I don't know why. Sonja
or Fran can go in my place.

Now, Mama, I love
my daughter Sonja,

and I love my Aunt Fran,

but you got to be ruthless
in the TV racket. They're out.

Now, I really used my
noggin this time, Mama.

This whole team was
very carefully selected,

and each one is
very, very important.

Now, for instance,

Naomi here is a very
good-looking young lady.

She's the sex
appeal of this squad.

Oh, I love it when
you talk like that.

[CHUCKLES]

What about me, Dad?

Buzz, you're the
teenage heartthrob

for the young girls
who watch the show.

[LAUGHS]

And Mama here is the
sweet little homebody-type

that Richard Dawson goes for.

He's gonna have to go
for some other homebody,

'cause this body's
staying at home.

And just what is my
assigned function?

Ellen, you and me
are the smart ones.

We're gonna win the money.

You know what you get
when you put your brain

and my brain together?

My brain.

Well, count me out,
I got dishes to finish.

And there is nothing
that nobody can say

to make me sit here and
listen to this nonsense.

We could use the money
to buy our own home

and move away from here.

Except that.

Thank you, Ms. Harper.
Yeah, then you will do it?

Well, I guess I have to.

When did I ever
let my family down?

Thank you, Mama.

You sure you know how to play?

Well, no, I'm not exactly sure.

Okay, okay. We'll all make
up some questions right now,

and then we'll practice.

We'll all give answers
and if you get kind of stuck,

we can help you out.

And if you give a right answer,

then we're all gonna shout:

ALL: Good answer! Good answer!

[MOUTHS] Lord's sake.

Okay, let's get started.
Who's got a question?

Uh, uh, I do.

Uh, name a food that
you eat with your fingers.

Chicken.

Good answer. See,
Mama? Good answer.

Candy bar. BOTH: Good
answer, good answer.

I'm gonna say a cookie.

ALL: Good answer.

Yeah. Now, it's your turn, Mama.

Lord, I can't think when
you... Giving me rush like that.

It's just so much. I-I-I
can't even think here.

Come on, Mama, it's easy.

A food you eat
with your fingers.

I know, I know, I heard
the question. Let me think.

I'm thinking of a
food you can eat...

All right. I got one.

What? What?

Coffee.

Good answer.

No, that's not a good answer.

Grandma, how do you
eat coffee with your fingers?

Well, you don't use a
fork or a spoon or a knife.

You pick it up
with your fingers,

and you drink it like that.

But it's in a cup.

Well, of course, it's in a
cup, otherwise you'd get it

all over the table. What...

You know what, team? We're dead.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: It's
time for the Family Feud.

Introducing the Van
Courtland family.

Webster, Bunny, Muffy,

Binky and Tiffy,
ready for action.

And the Harper Family.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Thelma, Vint, Naomi,
Ellen and Buzz.

On your mark, let's
start the Family Feud.

[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

All right, all right. I'm
coming, I'm coming.

ANNOUNCER: Now,
the star of Family Feud,

Richard Dawson.

[LOUD APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Hi, guys. Welcome.
Glad to have you here.

Ah, yeah, thank you.

You're my sort of
people: boat people.

We got, uh, two
beautiful families here,

$10,000 we wanna give
away. Let's get on with it.

Let's meet the Van
Courtlands right here.

[APPLAUSE] Woo-woo.

How are you, Webster?

Hello, Richard. I'm
Webster Van Courtland.

I just said that. I
said hello, Webster.

I saw your name right here.

I'm a lawyer.

Are you a criminal lawyer?

No, I'm fairly honest.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Uh, I'll do the jokes.
Okay, Webster? I'll do...

Okay, Richard.

Can I meet your
family, please, sir?

This is my wife, Bunny,
who was a former

third runner-up in the
Miss America contest.

You should've been first.

Oh, aren't you dear.

If he kisses me,
I'm gonna just die.

Mama, it's part of the show.

Well, then, let him kiss you.

That's my oldest
daughter, Muffy,

who was collegiate
all-American in tennis this year.

So perfect, so
know-it-all, so superior.

Lord, I wish I
was on their side.

Ellen?

My son, Binky,

who is a starting guard on
the freshman team at Harvard.

Fine name, Binky. How ya doing?

BINKY: All right, Richard.

My youngest daughter, Tiffy.

RICHARD: Aw, you're beautiful.

Oh, why, thank you, Richard.

To each and every one
of you, good luck. Okay?

Now, will you help me make
these people feel at home.

The Harpers, right
now, [APPLAUSE]

Let's see if we can give
them some good luck, okay?

Uh, you're a little overanxious,
aren't you, Thelma?

I just wanna get it over with.

Oh, well, now,
that wasn't half bad.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yeah, it was pretty good
for me too, thank you.

Uh, could I meet your
whole family, please?

You sure can. This
is my son, Vinton.

How you doing?
He's... He's a locksmith.

It was his idea to come
out here and win $10,000...

Really?
- -'cause nothing he's ever done

has ever worked out too well.

Oh. Who's the pretty
little lady next to Vinton?

Oh, this is Naomi. This
is Vinton's second wife.

His first ran off to Las Vegas
to be a cocktail waitress.

Oh. Oh.

Well... Good Lord.

That little pretty
lady next to Naomi?

This is my daughter, Ellen.

Her husband couldn't
be here tonight

but you wouldn't care
for him much anyway.

[LAUGHS]

You certainly got a way
with introductions, don't...?

Who's that handsome
young man at the end?

MAMA: This here is
my grandson, Buzz.

Hi, Richard. Hey, Buzz.

He's a good boy.

He's a good boy? So far.

So far, all right.

You look like you're
ready to play. Are you?

ALL: Yeah! Come on,

I'm so nervous.
We're gonna play.

Let's go. Come on. [APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

Here you go.

Wish each other... Darling,
wish each other luck.

Oh. Good luck there,

that's what you say.
Good luck to you, Webster.

Put your little hand
here, my darling.

Oh, isn't that
cute. Right there.

Got a little hand there for...
All right, pay attention now.

All right. Okay.

Whoo.

One hundred people
surveyed, top five...

Hey, pay attention.

I'm listening, Richard.

Just one hand.
Just one hand. Oh.

One hundred people surveyed,

top five answers on the board.

You gotta try and get
the most popular answer.

Here's the question.

Name an animal, other
than a dog or a cat,

that a family might
have as a pet.

Bunny rabbit!

ALL: Good answer! MAMA: Rabbit.

ALL: Good answer. Good answer.

Thelma. Thelma, Thelma.

No, darling. No, no, no, no.

Why, don't you tell me "no."

We had Fluffy for
years, didn't we?

I don't mean that. You
have to hit the buzzer first

and then you give me the
answer. Oh, for pity sakes.

[BEEPS] Bunny rabbit.

BUZZ: Good answer.

You know, for a
second I didn't think

she was gonna
catch on to this game.

Yeah, darling, you
see, you hit that...

[BEEPS] Bunny rabbit.

Howard, she's such a
sweetie, she's a little nervous.

Let's throw this question out.

Oh, no, it's a good... I
got... It's a good answer,

bunny rabbit. No,
it is a good answer,

but you did it
before you hit that,

you yelled it
out. We'll... Put...

Load up a new one
for me, will you, please?

I'm sorry, Howard.

One hundred people surveyed,
top five answers on the board.

Name an article of
clothing that you usua...

You generally buy in pairs.

[BEEPS] Oh!

You okay?

Oh, he scared the
holy sugar outta me.

What's... What's your
answer, Webster, please?

Socks.

I like that. Socks! Oh.

[DINGS]

RICHARD: Okay. One answer...

Thelma, Thelma. One
answer will beat that.

One answer, what do you say...

You don't have to do
that. Forget this, darling.

Just give me an answer.

I'm gonna say a
pair of trousers.

All right, pair of trousers.
ALL: Good answer!

MAMA: Come on.
RICHARD: You got control,

what are you gonna do?

We're gonna play,
Richard. They're gonna play.

Could you go back?
Let me just tell you.

You're doing well,
I'm proud of you.

Well, you sweet thing.

Okay, you go back,
we play this one.

All right, then. All right.

You see there now, he
didn't treat me like a idiot.

Uh, article of clothing that
you generally buy in pairs.

Obviously... shoes.

Ah. Good answer.

Good answer. We'd
love some obvious shoes.

[DINGS]

RICHARD: The number one answer.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Well done. Muffy,
what would you say?

I say gloves.

Ah. That's a goody.

You know, a lot of
people buy just one glove.

But on the other hand,
what have they got?

[CROWD LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] It's very amusing.

Very amusing.

Gloves!

[DINGS]

Very good. MAMA: Oh, no.

MAMA: Oh, dear.

[APPLAUSE]

I wish it was our turn.

I've got a hundred
answers for pairs.

Oh, don't be silly, Vinton,
they're gonna go all the way.

I mean, we'd be lucky if we
wind up with a case of Turtle Wax.

You're looking very dapper.

Thank you, Richard.

Article of clothing you
usually buy in pairs.

Shoelaces.

We're looking for shoelaces.

[BUZZES]

Not there. First strike.

Hello. Hello.

You're so lovely,

what will you say?
Oh, thank you.

Earrings.

Earrings. That's a good answer.

Yeah, I guess you
could say earrings

is an article of clothing.
I know I feel naked

if I go out without mine.

Earrings!

[BUZZES]

RICHARD: No! All right, huddle.

Come on, let's get in a huddle.

Webster, one answer.
That's two strikes up there.

What article of clothing
would you usually buy in pairs?

You got three seconds.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

Did they say earmuffs yet?

Earmuffs.

Just came to you, huh?

Alrighty, if it's there,
you get the money.

If not, darling, you
get to, uh, steal.

But I tell you, it sounds
like a good answer to me.

Earmuffs.

[DINGS] [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

They got the money. Now, listen.

MAMA: Oh, no.

Mama, come down
here. Oh, I know.

I know what you're
gonna say, Richard.

Darling, you cannot
yell answers out like...

It was a good answer, it was
there. But you can't yell it out

because they can take
it and get the money.

They did. They stole
it from us. I know.

Ain't ya got no rule
against that? Howard?

No, never mind Howard.

You mustn't yell... Now, you
can redeem yourself right now.

Your idea to get on
the show, wasn't it?

Right. Come on.

Go up there. Don't
make an ass of yourself.

RICHARD: Let's
go. MAMA: Come on.

Go on.

Go on.

[♪♪♪]

You're fine. Yeah, fine.

Here's the question.

Name something
that comes in flakes.

Soap.

Soap!

[DINGS]

Yeah. One answer
will beat that, Vint.

Look. MAMA: Come on.

One answer will beat it.

Something that comes in flakes.

Cereal, that's what I
had for breakfast. Cereal.

That's a good answer.

Looking for cereal!

[DINGS]

RICHARD: You
got it! Play or pass?

What? Play or pass?

Ma, play or pass?
What are you gonna do?

ALL: Play! Play! Play!

What are you gonna do?

Play. We are gonna
play, damn it, Vinton!

Play or get off the pot!

Come on! Gonna play?

We're gonna play.
They're gonna play.

Hey, beautiful. Thank you.

Number one answer. Yeah.

I'm proud of you.
Here's your pretty lady.

How are ya?

Fine.

It's nice to... Mm-mm-mm.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

Whoo.

Yeah, now I see why
you're into padlocks.

Uh, come back in
here so we can hear.

Something, Naomi,
that comes in flakes.

Snow.

Oh! BUZZ: Good answer.

That's a good answer. Snow!

[DINGS] RICHARD: It's there.

MAMA: Look at that.
[ALL CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE]

You look like the
cover of Vogue.

You're beautiful.

One answer left.

One answer left.

Something that comes in flakes.

I'm gonna say... dandruff.

That's a good answer.
That's a good answer.

That's a good answer,
Ellen. Good answer.

If dandruff's
there, you got it all,

but if not, no strikes.
You'll get a chance, Buzz.

Love dandruff!

[DINGS] RICHARD:
You got the money.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
MAMA: Look at that.

MAMA: We're winning!
RICHARD: Ninety-five, 83.

Let's go!

MAMA: Come on.

Come on here, darling.

MAMA: Come on, Naomi, now.

Good luck.

Put your hand there. Okay.

Dollar values are tripled.

This will decide
who will play for...

For $10,000.

[CHUCKLES]

One hundred people surveyed,
top four answers on the board.

Name something that you wind up.

[BEEPS]

Yes? A clock.

Muffy said "a clock."

[DINGS] Number one.

Play or pass?

Oh. Shall we play?

Oh darling, that's what
we came for. Come on.

Oh. We're going
to play, Richard.

Darling?

They're going to play.

All right.

She took that
very well, I thought.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

What do you wind up?

How about an old car.

An old car?

You know, it... It has a crank.

So does your family
but I didn't mention it.

Old car.

[BUZZES] RICHARD: No.

[CROWD SIGHS] Pretty Tiff,

what will you say?

I say a toy.

Say, she's a good player. Toy!

[DINGS] RICHARD:
You got it, darling.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

Webster!

Something that you wind up.

Golly, I don't know.

I'll say a pocket calculator.

Could th...? Could
this be catching?

You're a lawyer, aren't you?
Do you have a card, by the way?

Oh, yes. Criminal
lawyer, I believe?

Yes. There we are.

Thank you.

Just wanna make sure that
I never use you by mistake.

RICHARD: Wind up calculator.

[BUZZES] RICHARD: No.

MAMA: Come on. RICHARD:
Bunny, it's up to you.

Something that winds up.

Uh, timer for cooking.

You know, kitchen
timer. That's a good one.

If that's there, okay.
If not, third strike.

Harpers get a chance
to steal. A timer!

[BUZZES] RICHARD: No.

Come on, Mama. Right now.

VINT: Music box, music
box. NAOMI: Mechanical man.

VINT: Music box
or mechanical man.

All right, I ain't deaf!
[BUZZER BUZZES]

Thank you. Lord.

All right, now.

You heard those great
answers. Yes, but...

But you said I played
the game real well

so I'm just gonna think of
an answer on my own here.

Let me just think. Uh...

See, the buzzer went, I
gotta have something...

I know, I'm gonna
think of something.

And, uh, if you get it right,
$10,000 you'd be playing for.

All right, I'm
gonna say, Richard,

a letter.

A letter?

A letter, Richard.

A letter? Letter? Oh, darling.

A letter?

Well, if it's there my darling,
you'll play for the $10,000.

If not, Webster, you and
your family will be the champs.

It's gonna be there.

I hope so darling. A letter!

[BUZZES]

You're playing
for the big money.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, darling. Let's take a look.

Number three, please.

CROWD: Music box. They
said... Yeah. Number four?

CROWD: Mechanical man.

Aw, I'm sorry you didn't do it.
I need two people over here.

Now, who's gonna play?

Mama, Mama, how
could you say a letter?

Well, your Aunt Penelope used
to write me faithfully every week,

and at the end of her letter,
she'd always say the same thing.

She'd say, "I got a
hundred things to do,

so I better wind
up this letter now."

That's what she said.

ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:
Stay tuned for Family Feud...

Sonja, better get down here,
the show's about ready to start.

Hey, Fran, we're
waiting on that popcorn.

Oh honey, I'm so excited.

We're gonna see
ourselves on national TV.

Come on, Mama, aren't
you gonna watch this?

No, thank you kindly. I got
more family pride than that.

Don't be such a
sore loser, Grandma.

I think when somebody
makes a fool of themselves,

it ought not to be broadcast
to the entire country.

That's why your Uncle
Bertram, Lord rest his soul,

always kept your Aunt
Merdice locked in the basement.

Now, Mama, nobody's
saying you're a lunatic.

She just acted like one.

[LAUGHS]

Shh, shh. It's coming
on, it's coming on.

[FAMILY FEUD THEME
PLAYING ON TV]

I can't believe you are
gonna sit there and watch that.

Come on, Mama.
This is gonna be fun.

[SIGHS] Every night
since we came home,

I prayed to your daddy in heaven

that we wouldn't have
to watch this show.

Oh, Mama, that's silly.

I say to him, "Carl, you didn't
do much for me down here,

but do something up there to
get this stupid show off the air."

Mama, be quiet. I can't hear.

ANNOUNCER: The Family...

Wait a minute, I can't see.

Oh, honey, the
lights all went out.

All the streetlights are out.

It's a power failure.

Carl, baby, I owe you one.

VINT: Now, what are we
all gonna do in the dark?

ELLEN: Just give
up and call it a night.

MAMA: Good answer, good answer.

[♪♪♪]