Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 13 - Mama's Silver - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

I can't just sit there
and say nothin'

when you're about to hit
a parked car, now, can I?

I did not come near that car.

When you sit on the
right side of the car,

there's an
optical-illusion factor.

Things look closer.

Oh, well, fine, Fran,
have it your way.

But that little red car
was right in my lap.

Then learn to drive, Thelma.

I'm sick and tired
of cartin' you around,



while you yelp and
scream every 5 feet.

Well, hey, Aunt Fran.
How was the sale?

Oh, it was a real pip.

I took off work to
take your mother to it,

and she just crabs up
the whole afternoon.

It is just a racket down there.

Them oxfords were only
marked down from 19.50 to 12.98,

and I don't call that
a half-price sale.

Why aren't you at work?

Oh, well, this is just sort of
a long lunch break, Mama.

Uh, we wasn't busy, and
Claude came by the shop so that...

Claude Canemaker? That jackass?

He's downstairs, Mama. What?!

He's here in my house? Yes.



There were a lot of
good bargains there.

I didn't force you to leave.

Please. Every time I tried
on another pair of shoes,

you sat there and
moaned like a foghorn.

Oh, well, I might've
moaned a little bit

when you tried on that
one pair for the third time.

You have to walk
on shoes, Thelma.

You have to test 'em out.

You have to look at
'em in those little mirrors.

Oh, Fran, set it to music!

And I don't keep beer in
this fridge for you to be giving

to every Tom, Dick and Harry

that comes over here
lookin' for a handout.

Hi, there, Ms. Harper.

Oh, hello, Claude.

How's business?
What is it, haulin'?

Yeah. Well, it's got
its ups and downs,

just like everything else.

Well, it's out-of-doors,
so that's a plus.

Yeah, you get to meet
a lot of different people.

Mm-hmm. Doesn't strain
your brain much neither.

I think I'd better
skedaddle, Vint.

I'll catch you a little later.

Bye. Yeah.

Uh, bye, Claude.

Yeah.

Well, you didn't
have to give him

the third degree, Mama.

Just never you mind
tellin' me how to behave

in front of that goon.

Even when you were a boy,

you dragged the
dregs of humanity

through this house, and
I am not gonna have it

just because you've
moved back in here.

He is a true friend.

That man saved my life!

He saved your life? When?

One time when we was huntin',

I started to leave my
red jacket in the car,

and Claude says you
better put on that red jacket

or some hunter's
gonna take a shot at you.

So I put on the red jacket...
and nobody shot me.

And I got Claude
to thank for that.

Sonja, how's school?

FRAN: What's your
favorite subject?

Uh...

That's all right. You
can tell me tomorrow.

Have you given any thought
to going on to college?

Oh, no!

Can I be excused?

What is the big rush?

Well, I told Tommy Boylan
I'd drop by for a while.

That little pip-squeak?

Do you have to call
him a pip-squeak?

He's a great guy.

Yeah, what games does he play?

Games? I don't know. He's
great at Space Invaders.

You know what I mean. Why don't
you hang out with some athletes?

I do sometimes, but tonight
I'm hangin' out with a pip-squeak.

Hey, are you gettin'
funny with me?

No, it's just... Oh, forget it.

And get on some
teams in that school.

You haven't got on one
team since you got there.

I can hardly hold my head up.

Oh, Vint. Why do you keep
harpin' on that, anyway?

You were never
any good at athletics.

Oh, yeah? What about
my volleyball ribbon?

That was a fluke,
and you know it.

I was a natural-born athlete.

This kid can be too
if he'd just shape up.

Oh, give me a break, Dad.

This is as shaped
up as I'm gonna get.

Take it or leave it.

Hey, you want a
great athlete for a son,

you should adopt Joe
Montana or somebody like that.

Now, where do you
think you're goin'?

I'm goin' over to Tommy
Boylan's house and beat him up.

You can't say two words
to that boy these days.

Hold it right there, toots.

It's your night for the dishes.

Aw, come on. I'm a wreck.

Yeah, well, you go lie
down, darlin', if you're tired.

I wish you would
stop interferin'

when I am tryin' to get
that girl to do her chores.

She's my daughter.
It's my house.

Well, this is my head.

[SINGSONG] Hello.

Mama, you want your
silver back in the closet?

About time. I thought
you was suppose

to bring that by last night.

I said, when I could.

It was definitely left loose.

Well, just set it
right down here.

I haven't had a
good night's sleep

since that's been
out of the house.

Is there anything
scratched up or bent?

No, Mama, it's in exactly
the same condition.

Nothin' missin', is there?

It's all there.

I frisked everybody
on the way out.

There's a nick on my tongs.

I'm ready for that nick.

Aunt Fran... Aunt Fran,
you are my witness.

Did I not walk out of this
house with a pair of nicked tongs,

and did we not all agree
that when I brought them back,

that nick would not
be laid at my doorstep?

I don't like being in
the middle like this.

I know, I know, but that
nick was there, wasn't it?

It was.

Well, fine. Fine.

I'm just thankful that it's back
in the house, safe and sound.

Did your guests
think it was purty?

Well, of course they did.

Well, what did they say exactly?

Well, I don't know exactly.

I wasn't walkin'
around with a notepad.

Vint, will you
please come in here

and put my silver up
on the closet shelf?

Well, right this second
or can I finish my Jell-O?

You could do it
while you're arguin'.

Hello, Vint.

Ellen. [PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Hi, Vint, this here's Claude.

Oh. Uh... Well. Hi
there. What's new?

Well, I kinda got
myself in a pickle, buddy.

Yeah?

It seems the long arm
of the law has got me.

Well, uh... No kiddin'.

Well, you see, I was
sittin' on a barstool

down there at the Bigger Jigger,

and some bozo comes along

and tries to knock
me off my seat.

Yeah. Well, what happened?

I'm tellin' you what happened.

Before I know it, the
guy starts swingin' at me.

Well, anyway, I'm...
down here in jail

at 63rd and Brookside.

Could you come out and
get me out, old buddy?

Uh... Well... yeah, sure,
I guess I can do that.

Good. And bring some money.

You know how they run
their little racket down here.

How much?

Well, it's a pretty
sizable chunk.

I'll pay you back
as soon as I can.

About 250 bucks.

Two hundred and fif...

Whew. Gee, I don't know.

Don't let me down, Vint.

I can't spend the
night in the slammer.

I'm a free spirit. I'd go nuts.

Besides, you know what
happens to good-lookin' guys in jail.

I... I don't have
anything like that.

Well, sell somethin', or... Or
borrow it, or hock somethin'.

You got a watch or a ring or...?

No, I don't, really.

All right, okay,
I get the picture.

Might as well find
out the truth now

before you and me
get to be partners

in some great big
business deal or somethin'.

Now, now, just wait. I'll...

Just slow down. I'll...

I'll take care of it.

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah. Now, just relax,

and I'll see you
as soon as I can.

Who was that?

Hmm? Oh, nobody you know,
Mama. Just a friend of mine.

Well, who?

Uh... Uh... Arnold.

Well, when'd you meet him?

A while ago, a week
ago. I... I don't know.

What was his problem?

You think everybody calls
me has got a problem?

Well, let's face it, Vint, you
get hooked up with losers.

Arnold is no loser, Mama.
He is a very nice guy.

Hardly ever takes a drink.

Oh, they all say that.

I've seen his wife push
a second drink on him,

and he just won't have it.

Well, now, what kind of a wife

tries to get her husband drunk?

Uh... She's just tryin' to
loosen him up at parties.

What parties have you
been to with Arnold?

Well, I have intruded on
your evening long enough.

Heh. Bye, Mama.
Thanks for the silver.

Uh... Ellen. Ellen?

Uh, I'll walk you to
your car. Heh, heh.

Don't want the
bogeyman to get you.

Oh, Vint. [CHUCKLING]

I'll talk to you, Mama.

[QUIETLY] Uh...

Ellen. Ellen?

Well, Vint, please don't bother.

My car is right there.

Yeah, but I wanted to talk
to you about something.

Yes? Uh, Ellen, I'm in...

In kind of a tight
spot. J-just temporarily.

Vint, are you askin'
me for money?

Yeah. No. Uh, well, yes, I...

But I'm leadin' up to it.

Uh... Ellen, I... I
need 250 dollars.

Vint, I don't ever lend money.

Not ever.

I just don't... ever.

Yeah, but I'm your...
I'm your brother.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I wouldn't use
that as an argument.

You were my brother when
you smashed every doll

in my storybook doll collection.

You were my brother when
you spied on my pajama party,

and you did things
to Helene McBride

that have left psychological
scars on her to this day.

You were my brother when...

Look, now, I can't
keep apologizi"

for that stuff
forever, now, can I?

Ellen, please.

You know what I always say,
Vint, when I get discouraged?

Count your blessings.

Vint, will you
please get over here

and put this silver up
here on the top shelf

before it's stolen
right out from under us

when we're all in our beds?

And push it way
in the back there

out of sight, so
nobody can see it.

That silver's the most
valuable thing in this house.

I need an extension cord.

Against my better judgment,

I lent my hair dryer to Sonja,

and of course I got it back
without the extension cord.

Well, now, just slow down.

There's one right
over here in the closet.

She's tryin' to remember
what she did with it.

I need to dry my
hair in this lifetime.

What do you need
an extension cord for?

There's a plug by the
sink in the bathroom.

The bathr... As if I ever see
the inside of the bathroom

since Vint and those
kids moved in here.

I can't find anything
in a panic like this.

I could have sworn I
had an extension cord

in here somewhere.

Won't that hair dryer
work without one?

Why, yes, Thelma, if I
want to crouch in a corner

or crawl under the bed.

Wait a minute.

What is it?

My silver's gone.

What?! Oh, it can't be.

Are you tellin' me that I
don't have eyes in my head?

You telling me I'm crazy?
That what you're tryin' to tell me?

Will you just hang
on for a minute?

That silver is gone.

Somebody came in here
in the middle of the night

and stole it.

Well, it does seem to be gone.

Oh, I see.

I say it's gone,
and that's no good.

Now that you've looked,
we can put it in the paper.

Fran says the silver's gone!

Abuse is not gonna
get us anywhere.

Oh, I'll bet you anything

that somebody saw
Vint put that up there.

Will you just calm
down? Nobody took it.

Vint just put it someplace else.

Vint!

Vint!

My Mama's silver.

The only valuable thing that
old skinflint ever gave me.

I do wish you would stop
saying Mama gave that to you.

You know she
wanted me to have it.

Well, the crooks
have got it now!

Yeah?

Vint, I can't find the silver.
Now, where'd you put it?

Oh.

Right where you told me.

In there?

In the closet, on the shelf?

Yeah, yeah, on some
closet shelf somewhere.

It'll turn up. If not, then
I'll find it when I get home.

Oh, my gosh, look at the
time. I'd better skip breakfast.

Well, now, you
wait just a minute.

What do you mean,
"some closet shelf"?

Look, I put it somewhere.
It's not the kind of thing

I can think about
right this second.

Vinton Harper, you
are not leavin' this house

till you tell me what
you did with my silver!

It's in somebody's
safekeepin'. It's all right.

You gave it to someone?

I borrowed it. I borrowed it.

If Ellen can borrow
it, why can't I?

I just let this friend
have it for a day or two.

What friend is that?

Oh, that pesty old
Arnold. Heh, heh.

Why, I don't even
know this idiot.

Now he's got my silver?

Don't start in on him again.

It all happened suddenly
in the middle of the night.

I didn't see any reason
to bother you about it.

Why would Arnold need
silver in the middle of the night?

Well, that's a story in itself.

Well, I guess I'll just go crawl
under the bed and dry my hair.

Vint, who do you
think you're kiddin'?

You'll get it back. I'll
retrieve it in a day or two.

Retrieve it?! Where is it?!

It's all right. I just...
pawned it, that's all.

You pawned it?
There, you see, now,

that's exactly why I
didn't want to tell you,

because I knew there'd
be all this overreaction.

Vint, why would you
do a thing like this?

Because I needed
250 dollars fast,

and nobody in this damn
family'd lend me the money.

What, you got gamblin'
debts or somethin'?

No, I needed it for a friend.

Who?! I'm not
ashamed of it. Claude.

Claude Canemaker.

Yes. He's my best friend.

Good Lord in heaven.

You robbed me for that bum.

I didn't rob anybody.

And he is not a bum.

He is a man of
vision and integrity

and belief in his
fellow human beings.

Well, what did he
need that money for?

Bail.

He was in jail.

You stole my silver
for Claude Canemaker.

The only reason that I
stayed with your daddy

was because of my children.

And look at my reward.

The only time Ellen comes
over is if she needs somethin'.

Eunice is a mess
from top to bottom.

But you, you are the worst.

You have robbed your own family.

I'm gonna be up every night now,

wonderin' what else
you're carryin' outta here.

Oh, come on, Mama.

My mistake was in lettin'
you move back in here

after that miserable
wife of yours

ran off to be a
showgirl in Las Vegas.

At her age and with those legs.

Oh, there's no more Cocoa Puffs!

Well, I can only be
a saint for so long.

You're gonna have
to find somebody else

to wait on you hand
and foot, mister.

I didn't move back in for
that. I moved back home

so that you could have
a little companionship.

You were always sayin'

you never got a chance
to see your grandchildren.

Well, I've had a good look now.

Mama... Mama, I
don't care about me,

but you can't toss those
kids out in the street.

I can stay with Nancy.

You shut up.

You are gettin' out
of here right now!

I am tired of standin' around
watchin' you fritter away

your meaningless little
life, just like your daddy did.

You are what's
been holdin' me back!

Nothin' I ever did suited you.

Not my paper route
or my snake collection.

Your paper route?

You never did throw
anybody's newspaper

on the front porch.

It was always in a
bush or in the gutter

or up a tree!

And I'm the one that
got all the phone calls!

All right, all right.

Don't go through
my whole life story.

There must be
someplace in this world

where I can get a kind word,
and by golly, I'm gonna find it.

I am free. Free!

Well, so am I!

Well, I guess
you heard all that.

Bits and pieces.

Thelma, you just sit
down, honey. Relax.

All I want is some juice.

I know I'm doin'
the right thing.

Don't you think so?

Well, Thelma, I'm just
a paying guest here.

I really don't have...
I know, I know.

I know all of that. But
you are also my sister.

All right, then, as your sister,

I think it's time you
laid this burden down.

But he's my baby.

Can I just throw
him to the wolves?

Yes, throw him to the wolves,
throw him to the wolves.

This could be
the making of Vint.

Well, I guess maybe
he would be better off.

Of course.

I wouldn't mind bein'
able to get in the bathroom

once in a while either.

Vint, what are you doin'?

I am gettin' my
clothes. Do you mind?

Well, them things
ain't even dry yet.

Don't worry about
it. I'll dry it in the car.

I'll let it all hang out
the window while I drive.

I suppose you're gonna
wear it all unironed too.

I will iron it whenever
I get where I'm goin'.

I am not helpless, Mama.

Me and the kids'll be just fine.

And I am goin' down
there to my boss,

and I am gonna demand a
raise, and if he don't give it to me,

then I'm gonna get me a
better job somewhere else,

because I am gonna forge ahead.

One day he's gonna thank
you for makin' him strong.

Vint!

You come back here!

I guess the least
I could do is just

press these things up for you,

so's you don't go out of
here lookin' like a ragamuffin.

I am an independent man, Mama.

Well, I know. I know that,

but I can just do this
one thing for you, and...

Oh.

As long as you're here,

it wouldn't hurt you to
have some breakfast.

Well...

I could... I could make
you up some nice waffles.

Well, I don't know.

Well, you might as well
start out on a full stomach.

Well, yeah.
Wouldn't hurt to eat.

Well, now, I... I'll
take care of all that.

You just sit right
down over here, darlin'.

[PATS CHAIR] Just sit down.

Okay.

Thelma, don't do
this. Let him go.

Fran, ain't you late for work?

Well... enjoy your waffles.

Would you like
jam or syrup, baby?

Oh... syrup, I guess.

And I want you to stop
letti" Claude come over here

and drink up all
my beer, ya hear?

Ill pay for that beer.

And I got a right to have
my friends over here.

Well, then have somebody decent.

Not that Claude Canemaker

or that Arnold
whatever-his-name-is.

You never give anybody
a chance, Mama!

And I'll tell you what,

you better get Claude
to pay you back today.

And then you get my
silver back here right away.

Boy, I can hardly wait to see
them tongs this time around.

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