Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 12 - Positive Thinking - full transcript

Eunice, in her 40s, feels neglected by her jerk of a husband Ed and that her life has amounted to very little. Vint's son Buzz, tells her about a tape called "The Power Of Positive Thinking". She's skeptical at first but after a few listens, she gets up the nerve to audition at the local playhouse for a small part in an upcoming show. Mama, while glad Eunice is trying to be more positive, realizes it's also making Eunice a doormat for others. Especially the people in the play, when all of Eunice's lines are given to another actress instead.

[♪♪♪]

Vinton, if Eunice
doesn't get here soon,

you are gonna have to
drive me to the foot doctor.

Mama, at this moment, there
is a man on Gregory Street

standing out in the hot sun,

waiting for me
to unlock his car.

Well, hadn't you
better get going, then?

No, no, no. It saves
time in the long run if I eat.

A hungry locksmith
is no good to anybody.

Honey, I'm gonna be
on my way to work now.

Oh, Naomi, Naomi... BOTH: Mmm.



Are you two through
sucking face?

Lord, that traffic!

Well, Eunice, where
have you been?

Mama, the point is I am
here, so stay off my back.

Well, maybe I just better
take a bus to the doctor,

'cause the bus driver
wouldn't talk to me like that.

He would if he knew ya.

Well, honey, I think we
can be on our way to work

now that Miss
Congeniality's here. Mm-hm.

NAOMI: Come on.

Well, well, well,
well, Vint and Naomi.

My heavens, I
certainly am surprised

to see the two of you here.

I mean, the way
Mama's been talking



about how I am
the only one around

that could drive her all
the way to the foot doctor,

well, I just figured the two
of you was off somewhere

on a African safari.

We both have to work, Eunice.

Oh.

Yeah, you know,

I actually envy
you, your time off.

With me, it's rush,
rush, rush all day long

out there in the working world.

Well, us uncreative housewives

who just lie
around all day long,

munching on bonbons,

sure do envy you glamorous
supermarket checkers.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, where, oh,
where did I go wrong?

Shall I start with that hairdo
and work my way down?

Naomi, we better go.

Bye, Mama. Bye, Eunice.
You two have a real nice day.

A real nice day? Could we please
get going? My dogs are barking.

You just stay put. I'm
gonna get myself a drink.

Eunice, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm on top
of the world, Mama.

I just come from a audition

over there at the
Pepper Pot Playhouse,

and I finally figured out
that they're just a bunch

of no-talent phonies over there.

Turned you down
for a part again, huh?

Oh, I tell you,

if you want your talent
appreciated in this world,

you gotta go to Broadway.

Set it to music, Eunice.

Could we please get going?

[CRYING] Oh, where?
Oh, where did I go wrong?

Why can't anything good
ever happen to me in my life?

All I ever do is cook and clean!

Well, hell, you
can't even do that.

You're skating on
thin ice, old lady.

Grandma. Hey, Grandma, I
just made the debating team.

Well, that's real nice, darling.

Last week I didn't even
think I had a chance,

but then I started
thinking positive.

I started saying to myself,

"I'm confident. I
can do anything."

Where'd you hear all that bunk?

Well, it's not bunk. It's all
on this positive-thinking tape

I got down at the
mall, Aunt Eunice. Hm.

"How to Get Everything

You Ever Want Out of Life."

Well, well, well, my goodness,

all these years I've
been asking myself

that very same
question, and all along,

the answer's been at the mall.

[SCOFFS]

Yeah, I'm gonna go start
working on my debate material.

I'll see ya later.

Are you gonna drive
me to the foot doctor now

or do I gotta buy me a tape
to tell me my feet don't hurt?

Well, come on, why
don't you move it?

Well, just wait up. I
can't walk that fast.

Well, if we're late, it's
your own damn fault.

Well, it's lucky for
you my foot's sore,

or I'd plant it on
your backside.

[SIGHS]

Oh, there you are.

I have been in a sweat,

worrying about you being
in an accident or something.

You have been in a sweat
worrying whether or not

I was gonna be home in
time to cook your supper

so you could fill up your belly.

Well, when a man works
his fingers to the bone.

It is not easy running
a hardware store

in the middle of home
improvement week.

Well, why don't you just
take a couple of bucks

and go out to dinner
at the Taco Quickie?

I don't want no quickies.

What'd you spend my
hard-earned money on now...

Just get outta here and leave
me to the privacy of my kitchen.

All right, you don't have to
hit me with a ton of bricks.

[MUTTERS] Well, I'd love to.

Hello, my name
is Arthur Brewster.

[IMITATING BREWSTER] Hello.

My name is Eunice Higgins.

I am going to guide you
into getting everything

you've ever wanted.

[SCOFFS]

No matter what
your circumstances,

know that at this very moment

the power of the universe
is at your command.

Whatever you want
is yours for the asking.

How about giving
me my money back?

Bless the humanity in
those who oppose you.

Oh, bless you and
good night, Arthur.

Do you want love?

Money?

Fame?

Oh, yeah.

You can have it all.

How?

I'll tell you how.

Life is like a river carrying
you to your highest goal.

Your task is simple.
Just go with the flow.

Now, just repeat after me.

I am wonderful.

I am wonderful.

I am confident.

I am confident.

I can do anything.

I can do anything.

I am loved.

I am loved.

And I am loving.

And I am loving.

ED: I am hungry!

Aw, shut up!

Hello, everybody!

MAMA: Well, Eunice,

what are you doing here?

What's the matter?
What do you want?

[LAUGHING] Oh,
Mama, you're such a card.

Do you think the only
time I ever come over here

is 'cause I might
want something?

Well, yes.

Well, maybe I do, but not today.

Today, Eunice
comes bearing gifts.

[GIGGLES] Oh, Vint.

Vint, do you remember
when we was little kids

and they took them home
movies of us? Mm-hm.

And you remember how
you always wanted 'em

and I always kept 'em? Yeah.

Well, I got to
thinking last night.

I thought, "Well, if my
precious baby brother

"wants those home movies,

then my precious
baby brother's got 'em."

Why, Eunice. [GIGGLES]

[LAUGHS] Does one of these
have me in my Batman cape?

Yeah, and it shows when
you jumped off the roof,

and you nearly
knocked yourself out.

Well, Eunice, that
was all your fault.

You screamed,

"The house is on
fire, Vinton! Jump."

I know, Mama.

I was just such a rattlebrain
when I was a little kid.

Oh, thank the Lord, the
rosebush broke your fall.

Oh, and, Mama, I know

how you have always
wanted this, darling.

So it's yours.

Well, I ain't got no
room for this thing.

Well, all right
then, I'll keep it.

W-well, maybe I can
find a place. Hooray!

Honey, I'm gonna go change
outta my work clothes now.

Okay, baby. Oh.

Hey, wait, Naomi,

I know how you once
admired these earrings of mine,

but I want you to
have 'em, darling.

Oh, gee, Eunice,

I didn't admire 'em that
much. But thank you.

Oh, wait just one second.
I wanna tell you something.

I want to tell you
how lucky I think I am

to have a
sister-in-law like you.

And how lucky my brother is

to have a wonderful
woman like you.

How lucky we all are!

[LAUGHING]

Right.

Oh, Lord, you have
the prettiest complexion.

That woman is a beauty.

[SIGHS]

Well, Vinton?

Hm?

Honey, I said that I wanted

to go change my clothes.

Oh, oh, yeah,
I'll be right there.

Thanks, Eunice.

[CHUCKLES]

Them two change clothes

more than a couple
of bunny rabbits.

[EUNICE LAUGHING]

Oh, Mama, you are
so cute. I just love you.

Oh, my goodness. You certainly
seem to be in a real good mood.

I do, Mama. If I do, Mama,
it's because I am, I am, I am!

Be careful there
before you hurt yourself.

Now, just come on
over here and sit down

and have a cup of
coffee and calm down.

Oh, Mama, Mama,
I just don't have time

because I have to get home
and I have to start memorizing...

my lines.

What lines?

Oh, Mama, I'm in the play

over there at the Pepper
Pot Playhouse, Mama,

and I just came by

to share my happiness
with you. [CUP CLATTERS]

You're in a play, huh?

Oh, yes, Mama,
isn't it wonderful?

I just waltzed over there to
the Pepper Pot Playhouse,

and I auditioned
for the part of Sadie,

and they gave it to me, Mama,

just like it was
there waiting for me.

Now, just slow down,
Eunice. You're overexcited.

[SIGHING & PANTING]

[WHOOPS, LAUGHS]

So, what's this Sadie,
a little-bitty, dinky part?

Well, it's not exactly
a big part, Mama.

It's not the leading
lady or anything.

They got one of them,

but it's a very pivotal
role in the play.

So they're gonna trust
you with words, huh?

Of course they are.
Why shouldn't they?

I think it's wonderful that
you got even a little part.

Thank you, Mama.

Especially at your age.

Like the tape says,
"Just one step at a time."

What tape? The tape, Mama.

The tape on positive thinking
that Buzz told us about.

Oh, so that's what's
behind all this commotion.

Oh, Mama, it's wonderful.
You oughta listen to it.

I-I play it all the time,
just over and over...

No, thank you, ma'am.

I don't need no positive
thinking messing up my life.

That tape is for crackpots
and losers and people like you.

Thank you for
sharing that, Mama.

You are a wonderful
person, and I love you. Mwah.

I gotta go.

Well, now, just
hang on a minute.

Don't run out like a
chicken with its head cut off.

What time are you picking
me up next Wednesday

for that end-of-the-month sale?

Wednesday? Oh, my
darling. I just don't think I can.

That's a rehearsal day,
and I wouldn't have the time

to come by and pick you
up. All right, all right, fine.

How about if I go to
rehearsal with you,

and then we can just go
on to the sale from there?

All right! Sure,
why not! It'll be fun.

You'll get to meet
all of my new friends.

I didn't know you
had any old ones.

I know where you're coming from.

If I'd have known where
she was coming from,

I would've locked the
door before she got here.

Okay, kids, got a
couple of notes for you.

When are they gonna
get to rehearsing your part?

Oh, soon, Mama, soon.

If they were gonna make
you sit around this long,

why didn't they just tell
you to get here later?

Mama, honey,
this is the theatre.

I mean, you have
to go with the flow.

You have to be flexible.

I mean, you never know
how long it might take

to work out a scene.

Eunice, ready for you, dollface.

Rarin' to go, Bob.

That's my girl.
She's just wonderful.

She is? WOMAN:
Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hi there, Sally.

Oh, hello Eunice.

[SMOOCHING]

Well, come, girls.
Let's begin. Okay.

You'll be at the end of the bar.

Sally will burst
through the door. Yes.

DIRECTOR: Okay.
Isn't she wonderful?

And action.

Listen, Sadie, if it
takes the rest of my life,

I'm gonna close down
this sleazy gin joint of yours.

And you've been having an affair
with my husband, haven't you?

No!

But let me tell you
something, honey,

I have been running this
sleazy gin joint for a lot of years

and I have seen the
hopeless and the cynical

and, yes, even the pernicious.

But I wouldn't change one
of my roughneck customers

for a whole houseful
of those hypocritical,

upper-crust socialites
that you hang out with.

Now, get out of my bar
because you give it a bad name!

Well, you haven't
heard the end of this!

Perfect. Absolutely
lovely. I have goose bumps.

Eunice, loved your
quality. Thank you.

Sally, a director's dream.
Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Oh, it is so wonderful
working with you.

[GIGGLES] You give me so much.

Bob, could I speak to
you for just a moment?

Now, I have a teensy-weensy
uncomfortable feeling,

you know, when
Eunice talks about

how she has had the bar for
so long and all those years.

I-I feel like I'm standing
there with egg on my face.

♪ Da, da, da, da-da, da ♪

♪ Da, da-da, da ♪

Is that all you do in this play?

Huh?

Well, this scene
was my big, big hunk.

I mean, there is a part at the
beginning where you see me,

but this is the
important part for me.

Well, I hope they're gonna let
you move around, you know,

and show your
face a little bit more.

You were busy
looking at... Yeah, but...

I couldn't get a good
look at your eyes...

Mama, the director, Bob,
he feels that, you know,

eye-to-eye contact with
other actors is real important.

And it's better and much
more effective for my character

to just stay put in one spot.

Eunice, angel.

Yo.

I'd like to make a slight
change in that scene.

Uh-huh. Now, you
know how you say:

"I've been running this
joint a lot of years," et cetera.

Why don't you cut
right down to there.

But, Bob, I mean, if
we cut down to there...

I mean, that just kind of...

I mean, this is the only
place in the whole play

that my character, Sadie,

gets to tell the
audience about herself.

Oh, I know, but the
audience knows all that

just by looking at you.

They don't need all
that gibble-gabble.

Yeah, but I like all
that gibble-gabble.

I mean, if... If you
cut all that out,

I mean, my... My
part's just so small.

Eunice, there are no
small parts. There are only...

BOTH: Small actors.

Yeah, I know, I...

Well, okay! Oh, you're a doll.

[GIGGLING]

Well, I have got
to hand it to you.

That positive thinking has
sure done you some good.

Time was if somebody
shoved you around like that,

you'd have gone
through the roof.

Nobody is... [PAPER RIPS]

shoving me around, Mama.

Okay, okay.

Eunice.

Yo.

Let's try this.

Oh, wait just a minute. Uh...

How are they shoving me around?

They don't let you
move out of this spot.

They're letting her
hog the whole scene,

and they just cut out your part.

But Mama, he said that...
That it was much better

for the show this way. And...

And after all, "There
are no... No small parts..."

I know, "There's
only small actors."

I heard what he said, yeah.

But they didn't change
anything she says.

But the point is, Mama,

everything's gonna
work out for the best.

And we're all getting
along so good.

Hell, yes, Eunice, it's easy
to get along with a wet noodle.

Come, let's try that
scene with the change.

Okay.

Okay, action.

Listen, Sadie, if it takes
me the rest of my life,

I'm gonna close down
this sleazy gin joint of yours.

And you've been having an affair
with my husband, haven't you?

No!

Well, let me tell you
something, honey.

I know what you're thinking.

What?

You're thinking I have
been running around

with this sleazy gin-joint
life for all my years,

and you've seen the
hopeless and the cynical,

and, yes, even the pernicious.

EUNICE: Bob?

And you wouldn't change one
of your roughneck customers

for a whole houseful
of those hypocritical

Bob? Upper-crust socialites

Bob? I've seen for years.

I want to hang out with you.
Bob, could I just talk to you?

Bob. SALLY: I'm talking.

Just a minute here.

You gave her all
of my gibble-gabble.

I don't understand.

The scene works
best that way, Eunice.

Yeah, for her.

Oh, sweetie, Eunice,
what's the matter?

I'm talking to him,
sweetie, Sally.

Now, now, Eunice,
sweetie face, calm down.

Don't you "sweetie
face" me, you twerp.

I'll have you know
I am not the patsy

that you and this gibble-gabble
grabber seem to think I am.

Now, you just give
me back all of my lines.

And you keep this scene-stealing
hog out of my line of fire!

Just a minute, Ma Kettle,

you should thank
your lucky stars

that we even let you
up here on this stage!

Well, I don't see you on
Broadway, Miss Piggy!

How would you like your nose
in the middle of your forehead?

You just...! Girls...
Get out of here!

Don't you touch me!

Get out of here! What are
you...? Oh, my God. I'm gonna...

Well, I hope that
once and for all,

this puts the Pepper
Pot Playhouse to bed.

Will you do me a favor and
just get the knife outta my back.

Hi, Eunice. How's
the play going?

Eunice, I asked ya
how your play was going.

I wouldn't know, Naomi,
because I'm no longer in it.

And I couldn't care less.

Oh, what happened?

[SIGHS] Look, Naomi,
why can't you just let it lie?

Isn't it obvious I don't
want to go into the details?

Well, I was just curious.

Curious, my foot. You
just wanna rub it in.

Eunice, don't you think I have
anything better to do with my

life than follow you, waiting
for you to fall on your face?

No, frankly, I don't think

you have anything
better to do with your life.

You can pull that
stuff with your family.

Don't try that on me.

Listen, sourball,

I just decked the entire staff

over there at the
Pepper Pot Playhouse.

Now, don't you
think for one minute

that I'm gonna be scared of
a freak from the Food Circus.

Who are you calling a freak?

You! The one with the pimple.

Well, I'd rather have
one than be one!

[YELLS]

Now, now.

Let's stop this before
it gets personal.

Hey, everybody, I just
won my first debate!

Well, I knew you'd all flip out.

Aw, that's great,
Buzz. Tell me about it.

Well, our topic was

"Is the Electoral College
an accurate representation

of the demographic realities
of today's American voters?"

[SIGHS] Tell me about it later.

Hi, Aunt Eunice.
How's the play going?

Since that's all anybody

in the whole wide
world can talk about,

I might as well fill
you in Buzzy boy.

I was canned.

They couldn't take
the competition.

Oh, gee, but the
positive thinking tape

says there's
plenty of everything

to go around for
everybody. Hear, listen.

Oh, Lord.

Hello, my name
is Arthur Brewster.

Well, who the hell asked ya?

Do you want love?
No, I want a beer.

Do you want fame?

Do you want a punch in the nose?

Now, repeat after me.

I can do anything.

MAMA: Yeah? How about trying
to live with these Looney Tunes,

you dipstick?

[♪♪♪]