Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 11 - Alien Marriage - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[COUNTRY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER RADIO]

[LAUGHING]

This seems a strange
place to discuss business.

That's the way we
do it here in the States.

I didn't know that, and
I've been here 20 years.

More friendly this way.

Are you sure your friend
will marry my niece?

You're gonna give him
the $2000, aren't you?

Yes. He'll do it.

Remember, $400 of that
is mine for a finder's fee.



I remember. I remember.

Now, they will stay
married about a year.

Oh, sure. He's got
nothing else to do.

Until she gets her green card.

Say, what is that
green card anyway?

It's a little card
that allows a person

to stay in this
country and to work.

It's all bureaucratic
foolishness.

The card is not even green.

Can you beat that?

Bill, couple more...
Make that three beers.

Hey, Vint, sit down here.

Claude, how goes it?

Couldn't be better.



This here's Mr. Costa, a man
who wants something done.

Your friend tells me
you're the man to do it.

Yeah, what is it?

What we got here is
the chance of a lifetime.

Yeah, a great deal, huh?

That good?

And it's big money?

Ah.

You're making it
sound wonderful.

There's nothing to it.

You not only make
a hunk of change,

but you get to do
a nice little señorita

from Portugal a good turn.

I will appreciate this very
much and so will Zenada.

Who? Zenada, my niece,

the one you will marry.

Ma... Oh, no, no,
no. I've been married.

Now, just relax. Just relax.

You don't have to live with
her. There's no hanky-panky.

And after she gets
her green card,

you never see her again.

Green card, what is that?

Don't you know anything?

Well, I know it sounds
fishy. Is it against the law?

Technically, yes.

But how can one be caught?

Wait a minute, wait
a minute. No, no, no.

It's foolproof.

Sit down here and
drink your beer.

No, I don't know, Claude. I...

You'll be making $1600, pal.

Vint, I've been thinking:

why don't you and me go
for a nice ride on Saturday

out to the cemetery
and visit your daddy?

I can't, Mama, there's a
big sale on video games.

That does sound
a lot more important

than paying your
respects to your father

and giving these two kids
a few peaceful moments

to visit with their granddaddy.

Hey, that's okay, I
can hack not going.

What else do you have to do?

Mess around.

Mess around? What is that?

It means hang out.

Oh.

Which is what I'm
planning to do on Saturday,

so I can't go either.

Fran?

Oh, well, Thelma,

I would just love to
drive you out there,

but Charlie and I have a
date to go to the arboretum.

You and that Charlie
Hangenbush have been hanging out

in that flower garden
for 15 years now.

Hasn't the thrill
kind of worn off?

There are always
different blooms, Thelma,

and it is right next
to the aquarium

and the alligator pond and...

Boy, he sure doesn't believe

in giving you the
rush act, does he?

The rush act to what?

Just to what blessed event
is it you feel Charlie and I

should be rushing in order
to make us more complete?

Well, listen, if you are happy

with flower gardens
and museums, so be it.

You sure don't seem to
do much of anything else.

Your constant poking and
prying into my friendship

with Charlie is just starting
to get on my nerves, Thelma.

Why don't you hire a detective

to follow us around
if you're so curious.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

Well, I wonder
who could that be.

Either one of you kids
expecting anybody?

Not me.

Well, Fran, that wouldn't
be Charlie, would it?

No. Charlie would never
drop by without calling first.

He'd rather eat a bug.

Well, then, who on
earth that could be?

[DOORBELL DINGS]

I know one way to find out.

Buzz, you be careful.

Don't you just be
letting anybody in here.

Well, it's a little
early for a mugger.

They don't pay
any attention to that.

They're on the job
from 8 in the morning.

Is this the residence
of Vinton Harper?

Who is it?

Someone here to see Dad.

Come on in.

Hello, hello, hello.

Mr. Costa, I wasn't
expecting you.

Oh, I hope I have not come
at an inconvenient time.

Oh, no, of course not.

I had no idea so many
people lived in your house.

Well, I share it with my family.

This is my niece, Zenada.

Very pleased to meet you.

[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]

Mr. Harper, I have
to speak to you.

It's very important.

Vint, I don't suppose you
would like to let us know

who these people are?

Oh, of course.

Where are my manners?

Mama, this is Mr. Costa
and his niece, Zenada.

Well, that clears that up.

Zenada's come here
all the way from Portugal.

They're friends of mine
from the Bigger Jigger,

I told them just stop by any
time and by golly they did.

Apparently.

This is my mama.

Pleasure.

And my Aunt Fran.

Pleasure.

VINT: And these are my children.

Children? From an ex-marriage.

Ah, pleasure.

Something has come up.

Can we see a bit of the house?

Yeah, of course, but why
don't we talk first, just us?

Just sit down over here.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Uh, Mama, Aunt Fran,

Mr. Costa and I got
business to discuss,

okay if we use the living room?

Well, I suppose so.

We can all go out
in the backyard.

Thelma,

I'm sure that we can all finish
our dessert out in the kitchen.

Come along, children.

Shoo, shoo. Shoo.

Thelma!

Mr. Costa, I had no idea
you'd be coming to the house.

Some friends just told me
immigration is cracking down.

We must erase all suspicion.

Well, what does that mean?

Well, you see,
after the marriage

Zenada must stay at her
husband's house for a few days,

in case they check.

She has to stay here?

What are they gonna
do, follow us around

and look through the keyhole?

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]

They could show up at any time.

I don't know, this kind
of changes everything.

If it's awkward, perhaps you
should recommend someone else.

No, no, no, I'll do it.

Are you sure these
people won't object?

No, of course not.

Anyway, I do as I please. Okay.

Now, you understand Zenada
will need to have her own bedroom.

Bedroom?

Well, she can sleep
right here on the couch.

[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]

Oh.

[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]

[CONVERSING IN PORTUGUESE]

Ciao. Ciao.

Where's she going?

She loves to cook.
It's her great joy.

She wants to see your kitchen.

Mr. Costa, are you sure
she actually has to stay here?

Excuse me, miss,

were you looking for something?

Don't touch things in there.

I like everything
just the way that...

What is she, from the Board
of Health or something?

Well, Fran, how do we stop her?

Hey, I know a
little bit of Spanish.

Uh, Zenada.

[MUMBLES]

[IN SPANISH] Mi casa es su casa.

[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]

What did you tell her?

"My house is your house."

Well, good Lord, don't
you be telling her that!

Zenada. Sit, sit!

Thelma, she's a
Portuguese, not a Pekinese.

Well, fine, fine. All right.

Zenada, sit-a, sit-a.

Zenada.

I got this for
Christmas last year.

Thelma, what in the
world are you doing?

I'm trying to keep the
woman out of my cupboards.

Now, look here, Zenada. Apples.

Watch this.

[WHIRRING]

Chop.

[WHIRRING FASTER]

Beat.

[WHIRRING FASTER]

Whip.

[WHIRRING FASTER]

Frappé.

[TURNS OFF]

Applesauce.

No.

Well, I shot my wad.

I'm bored out of my skull.

The only other
Spanish I know is:

"My cat has a cold"

and "The sheep are
going over the bridge."

Well, what on earth?

What is it, Thelma?

That man was patting my sofa.

You don't suppose Vint's trying
to sell my furniture, do you?

Of course not. He's
looked in the drawers.

Now he's checking
out the closet.

A stranger in my closet?

I'm gonna go out there

and get to the bottom of this.

You come with me, you.

VINT: Well, Mama,

did you have a nice visit?

Yes, Vint, it was an
experience to treasure.

Would you mind telling
me what they're doing

sticking their noses into
every corner of my house?

You mean, you haven't told her?

Everything's gonna
be just all right.

Good night, Mr. Costa, Zenada.

Don't worry. Don't
worry about a thing.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

You crazy Americans.

Good night.

I'm gonna go lie down now.

Harper, you tell
me what is going on.

Now, there's nothing
to get alarmed about.

Zenada's gonna be staying
with us for a few days.

Why, have you got a screw
loose? We don't even know that girl!

We'll get to know her!

It's about time you
had some new friends.

I'm sorry to spring this on you,

but I didn't get a chance
to tell you about it before.

Well, you could
have told us at dinner,

when I asked you what's new.

You go get that man and tell
him to find her a room elsewhere.

I'm not running a
Howard Johnson's motel!

No, Mama. She's
got to stay here.

Why? Because
we're getting married!

Miss Harper.

What...? Naomi?

Don't be creeping
up on people like that.

I am not creeping up on anybody.

I'm just standing in
my own backyard.

I presume I have that right.

Well, what is it?

You promised me
that your son, Vint,

was gonna prune that tree.

It's dripping squishy
berries all over my car.

Well, he's got other
things on his mind.

He's getting married.

Married?

Well, who on earth
is he gonna marry?

Some alien.

You mean, he's gonna
marry one of them little E.T.'s?

Good Lord, Naomi, no.

He's marrying some foreigner
so she can get some card.

Some kind of a business deal.
You ever heard of such a thing?

Honey, I'm a
supermarket checker,

I've heard almost everything.

But I must say I'm surprised.

I've argued with Vinton
until I'm blue in the face.

Listen, Miss Harper.

Now, Vinton and this girl,
they don't intend to, uh...

There's not going to be any...

Well, he says no.

They could get
into a lot of trouble.

I've heard all about
this on 60 Minutes.

Now, they say that
you have to prove

that you acted like
a married couple.

Otherwise they call
it fraudulent marriage.

Really? You bet.

Government wants to make sure

that if people are
gonna get married,

they go through
with it all the way.

Well, how in the world could
they check on a thing like that?

Beats me.

I thought President
Reagan was trying

to stay out of
everybody's business.

Sounds like he's pushing
people into fooling around.

They wouldn't be fooling
around if they were married.

They would be if they
didn't even know each other.

Vinton's getting in
way over his head

and he keeps telling
me how safe this is.

Maybe he knows more
about it than Mike Wallace.

Good Lord.

You mean to tell me
that Dad's getting married

doesn't bother you at all?

I haven't even thought about it.

What bothers me is that he
wasn't even going to tell us.

You suppose he's
married to somebody else

that we don't know about?

The bridegroom cometh.

Hey, kids. Eh?

Eh? How do I look?

Fine. Sure you really
gonna go through with this?

Yes, this afternoon.

I am doing what I'm doing, Buzz,

to give a poor foreign girl

a chance at the
good life just like us.

If that's your reason, why
don't you do it for nothing?

You don't understand.

This is the free
enterprise system.

It's beyond you.

Dad, I was thinking,
what do I call her:

Zenada or Mom?

[DOORBELL DINGS]

I'll get it. You kids
go on to school.

Coming!

Hi there, old buddy. Everything
okay with your mama?

Yeah, but what are
you doing here...?

The big day has arrived.

What? What's that?

Zenada didn't like the idea
of sleeping on the couch

and I got a deal on this bed,
so I decided to haul it over.

We came over to see if
everything was satisfactory

and Zenada has brought a
few things for her brief visit.

She'll be popping in and
out over the next year or so.

I thought it was
just for this one time.

No, that's just a
precautionary measure.

You won't even notice her.

And remember, you're
getting big bucks today.

Right, partner? Right.

I'll just get the
rest of her stuff.

The rest of her stuff? What...?

Well, the honeymoon suite.

I think I'll just stay over

at my friend Tish's
until this farce is over.

Oh, hi, Mama.

Well, I see the gang's all here.

Vint, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, fine, Mama,
we'll talk later.

We'll talk now.

I was hoping you'd come
to your senses by yourself,

but I don't think
you're going to.

Vint, what you are trying to do
has been exposed on 60 Minutes,

and I'm not gonna have
TV cameras in my house.

Well, nothing like
that's gonna happen.

Who can prove I don't
really love this girl?

Matter of fact, I
kind of like her.

Fran, don't you leave me.

I have rather a
full day, Thelma.

Fran, you have got to
help me talk some sense

into this lunatic.

Thelma, Vint is a grown
man. If he wants to get married

in this cold-blooded,
sleazy way, I can't stop him.

What is so bad about making
a little profit from marriage.

When Jackie Onassis
did it, everybody said:

"Goody, goody, she's
some smart cookie."

But when I do it, I'm a sleazo.

I guess it's just a
question of style.

Frannie, what is
the matter with you?

You act like you
don't even care.

Thelma, I have a
rather important layout

to do for my paper today.

And I'm just trying desperately
to keep my wits clear.

But if you insist on knowing,

I think that aside from the fact

that this whole
setup is illegal,

it's just as good a reason
to get married as any.

Oh, what in the world do you
know about marriage anyway?

Now, you hold that, sister.

If you are about to let go

with one of those
old maid wisecracks,

I would strongly
advise you to pull back.

From what I have seen of
marriage, including yours,

I am glad I escaped it.

Well, at least I did something
with my life, I had kids.

And I'm sick and
tired of hearing

how you got married
and reproduced

as if that was some
big accomplishment.

Good Lord, Thelma,
mosquitoes can reproduce.

Oh, where did I
go wrong with you?

Lord knows you never
were a perfect son.

Hi there, Mrs. Harper.

But at least you had
some sense of values

until you hooked
up with this bum.

What'd you call me? A bum.

A bum and a moron.

I'm not a bum.

And I resent you popping

in and out of my house

with strangers and beds

and dragging my son
from one saloon to another

and introducing him to
these fly-by-night strangers.

He doesn't drag me anyplace.

You'll have to forgive her,
Mr. Costa. She's just upset.

How dare you apologize to
me in front of this heathen.

Thought you were a religious
bunch over in Portugal,

with a church on every corner.

How can you drag your niece
through this marriage fiasco?

Believe me, it is regrettable,

but it is the only way she
can obtain her citizenship.

Well, she is welcome, I am sure,

but you are gonna
have to find another way.

Find her some flamenco
dancer she can fall in love with.

Marriage no good, Zenada.

Bad, bad.

Get good marriage
or go back home.

Worky, worky,
come back next year.

Calm down. I will not calm down.

I'll go down there,
that's what I'll do.

And when they say "speak
now or forever hold your peace,"

by God, I will speak.

I will say he doesn't
even know this girl.

He's only marrying her

because he's got
some half-witted friend

trying to help him
make a quick buck.

Now, Mama, you wouldn't
do that. You just watch me.

And what the hell is
this bird doing in here?

Vint, you better put
a lid on your mama.

If she squeals, you could
get picked up for a felony.

Felony? You never told me that.

Well, I didn't know
your mama was a fink.

Mama, did you hear that?

If you do that,
I can go to jail.

Is that what you want?

You just go ahead
and get married, then.

It'll never be said that I
sent my own son to jail.

You're gonna wind
up there anyway.

Good Lord, whole neighborhood
knows about this by now.

You know what a
foghorn that Naomi is.

Now, if she doesn't
tell, someone else will.

This bum here is probably
gonna try to blackmail you.

I wouldn't put it past him.

And when you wind up in jail,

don't expect me to
come and visit you.

Claude.

You kept telling
me this deal was:

But more and
more it's looking like:

You're gonna have
to find somebody else.

I was thinking the same thing.
Someone who's mother is dead.

I'm sorry. It's been
very nice knowing you,

but you're gonna have to
take your day bed and go.

And don't forget your bird.

Don't think I am gonna
pay for the rental on the bed.

Don't get your
castanets in an uproar.

I'll find somebody else for you.

Somebody reliable.

Goodbye, Zenada. Ciao.

I don't know, Vint,

I don't think you're ever
gonna make the big time.

Don't say anything, Mama.

I'm not going to say a word.

No rubbing it in?

Well, now, when
do I ever do that?

All I ever try to do is prevent
people from making mistakes.

Okay.

And this was a doozy.

Thought you wasn't
gonna say anything.

Well, I wasn't,

but you asked a
question so I answered.

I'm sorry, I won't
say another word.

VINT: Fine.

MAMA: Next time
something like this happens,

use your brains for a change.

[♪♪♪]