Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 10 - Fran's Dress - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Thelma, is this coffee decaf?

Now, I have not been
sleeping at all well, lately.

If I'm not tossing, I'm turning.

Oh, you're just antsy about
your big wingding tonight.

Yeah, you got to
learn to stay calm.

Look at me. Cool as a cucumber.

And I got my bowling
league tonight.

If we win, we qualify
for the semifinals.

But am I uptight?

You're just a lesson
in stress management.



Oh, I don't know how I'm
gonna get through this day.

That woman is an exposed nerve.

Yeah.

Mama, now, will you be sure
supper is ready early tonight?

Vint, that is the fourth
time you have asked me.

I will be sure it is ready.

I know what a contribution
bowling is making

to your life and your future.

Tonight happens to be crucial.

We're talking
tristate area, here.

Oh, and Mama, could you
wash up my yellow shirt?

I bowl a lot better in it.

You what?

It's my lucky shirt.



Vint, I'm doing your washing

and your laundry and
your cooking for you.

What on earth is that
wife of yours doing for you?

Never mind, I
don't want to know.

Now, Mama, Naomi is
working a double shift today

down at the Food Circus,

wearing her fingers to a
frazzle on that cash register.

All right, I'll try.

Thank you. Uh, don't
forget about supper.

Vint. Okay, okay.

Bye.

FRAN: Thelma.

Oh, Thelma, could you do
me just a little, bitty favor?

Take a number.

Well, I wouldn't ask, but I
don't have time to do it myself,

and tonight is so
important to me...

Just spit it out, Fran.

Well, if I do get
that award tonight,

I'm going to have to walk
clear up to the podium,

and if possible,

I would like for my
dress just to look perfect.

You're not asking
me to alter that dress?

Oh, heavens no.

I'm just asking you
to press it for me.

Just a little skim of
the iron here and there.

It got a little bit
wrinkled in the closet.

Well, I haven't got time
to be ironing your dress.

Why didn't you
hang it up properly?

Well, it's hard to hang
up anything properly

in that little tiny bedroom
closet. Excuse me.

Well, excuse me.

Of course, if I still had the
use of the big hall closet

as I had before Buzz and Sonja
moved in and just took over...

Hello, Buzz.

Of course, actually,
most of the clothes

in that closet are Sonja's.

I know, Aunt Fran.

Most of the clothes in
this world are Sonja's.

What's for breakfast, Grandma?

A hot bowl of mush.

It's a good thing
I'm late for school.

Well, I see you have time

to make up your
precious grandson's bed,

but you do not have
time to give your sister

a little skim of the iron.

Why don't you just
wear something else?

[GASPS DRAMATICALLY]

Wear something else?

Thelma, you know
I ran all over town

looking for just the
perfect dress for tonight.

And I finally found that one...

BOTH: At
Needemeyer's on the Mall

just minutes before
they were closing.

I know, I've heard
it and I've heard it.

Then how can you even
suggest I wear something else?

All right, I will do it.

Don't say you'll
do it if you won't.

Now, good Lord, Fran,

when do I ever
do a thing like that?

Well, just quite a
bit lately, Thelma.

Last week, Charlie called me

with a message about
where to meet him

and you forgot to
give me the message.

I have given you
every single message

that Charlie's ever left.

Well, it's more than
just phone messages.

What about that
COD cosmetic delivery

you promised you'd be
home for and weren't?

I had to go...

I had to go to Mrs.
Wheeler's funeral that day.

Now, what was I supposed to do?

Tell 'em to put her on
ice while I sit here and wait

for your Oil of Olay?

What about...?

What about my fern?

Well, what the hell's
the matter with your fern?

Well, it just turned
brown and dried up

when you forgot to water it.

Well, good Lord, Fran,

you know if you look
cross-eyed at a fern it dies.

Now, all this fuss is over
some dumpy little dress

you're gonna wear... Dumpy?

To get some dinky
little writing award.

Dinky?

Dinky?

Thelma, this award dinner is
being held in the Crystal Room

of the St. George
Hotel... downtown.

Every journalist in
this city will be there,

and I'm up for the best article
in a neighborhood paper.

It's a very big honor.

Oh, hell, Fran, it's
a throwaway paper.

That article's on the bottom
of every birdcage in town.

My article is very
highly thought of.

I was told "Pops: Portrait
of a Crossing Guard"

had everything.

Warmth, humor, poignancy.

Who told ya that?

Pops?

Here, give that to me.

I'll just take it
down to the tailor's.

Oh, for pity's sake. I'll do
it. No, it's the easiest way.

I said I would do it, No, I
don't want you to bother.

And I'll do... I think I can
work in one more thing.

If you insist.

[GASPS] Oh, my
Lord, look at the time.

I'll be late for
work. I've got to run.

Oh, Thelma,

would you just dry
these for me? Thanks.

Well, why bother to dry 'em?

If she wins that award tonight,

she'll just wet
'em all over again.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Well, hold your horses,
I said I'm coming.

Hello?

No, Fran isn't home.

But if you'd like to leave
your name and number,

I'll make sure that
she gets the message.

Hold on while I find a pencil.

Hello?

Hello?

Well, they hung up.

Well, will you dry,
for Pete's sake.

Yoo-hoo!

Well, Ellen, what
are you doing here?

Bonjour, Mama.

Mwah.

Say what?

That's part of my
French lessons, dear.

Preparing our women's club
group tour de la belle France.

Mama, you're not dressed.

Well, what do you call this?

You know what I mean.

Now, hurry up. We've
only got 20 minutes,

and traffic is beaucoup.

Well, come on, honey.
Move votre derrière.

Well, what the hell
are you talking about?

Your appointment
at the Beauty Spot.

And I want Margo to
start on you right away.

I'm on a terrible,
tight schedule.

Well, for pity's sakes, Ellen,

I ain't getting my hair done
today, that's for tomorrow.

Now, I got to get
supper started.

Mama, we discussed
this not two days ago.

You said your appointment
was on Wednesday.

I told you the 12th.

Today is the 12th.

Are you sure?

No, Mama, I just had the
calendar changed to torment you.

Now, come on, you
can put on your coat,

and we'll hightail it down
to the... To the beauty salon.

The blue rinse awaits.

Well, now, I just...

I've got to iron this
dress before I can leave.

Mama, I'm not gonna stand around

while you press a dress
to put on. You look fine.

Well, do you think I'd
wear this gaudy thing?

It belongs to Fran.

Oh, well, let's all
just hold our breath

while Aunt Fran gets
her maid service done.

Oh, will you put
a lid on it, Ellen?

I'm moving as fast as I can.

Well, what the...?

Good Lord.

Oh, my, I do believe
you scorched it.

Scorched it?

Scorched it? I've
burnt the damn thing up.

Well, how did it happen?

Mama, that dial is set on linen.

This is obviously a... A
synthetic polyester at best.

Well, it's ruined.
It's totally ruined.

Well, I can see that, Ellen.

I mean, uh, it's
a... Absolute mess.

That's a brand new dress.

She's supposed to
wear it out tonight.

Now, she's a
nervous wreck as it is.

What am I gonna tell her?

Oh, Mama, if...

Aunt Fran isn't
a total hysteric.

It's just a burned
dress. She'll understand.

You really think so?

No.

The woman is totally impossible.

Well, why did this
have to happen?

If only you hadn't
have rushed me.

Mama, I am not
the guilty party here.

You are the one who
scorched the dress.

Oh, why is the
Lord testing me so?

Maybe he's got some
time on his hands.

We gotta get down to
Needemeyer's right away.

Well, what about
the Beauty Spot?

Oh, we ain't got
no time for that.

Er dress exactly like that one.

I could have it up in Frannie's
closet before she gets home,

and she'll never
know the difference.

Ge Through the dowdy
room at Needemeyer's

looking for this dress.

I wouldn't be caught dead there.

What do I ever ask you?

Once every couple of months,

I might work up the courage
to give you a phone call.

Ain't no use waiting for a
ring from my precious baby girl.

Mama, don't start.

And then I might ask you to
do some little something for me

like, maybe, take me
to the beauty parlor.

And I practically have to beg ya

and tell ya all
the horrible things

that can happen to a
woman alone on a bus.

All right, Mama. I'll take you.

And then when I
finally get ya over here

and disaster strikes, and
I really do need your help,

do you offer it willingly?

Mama, I said I would do it.

Well, I know, I heard you.

I just like to finish
what I'm saying.

Fifty-five dollars
for one dress.

I sworn ya,

ver paid that much Fifty-five
dollars for a dress in my life.

I know, Mama. You could
hardly write out the check,

your hand was shaking so.

Well, it's a lucky
thing that we could find

the same exact dress, you
know. Same size and everything.

Talk about compounding a felony.

What are you
looking for? Wrinkles.

I don't wanna be blamed for
some stranger's lousy ironing.

Mama, will you
stop? It looks fine.

I mean, look,

even the little tucks are
all nice and smooth, see?

Tucks?

Here, at the waist.

Uh-oh.

What is it?

Well, that dumb salesgirl.

She swore to me that these
two dresses were identical.

Now, you look for yourself.

This dress ain't
got a tuck in sight,

and this sucker's got
tucks coming out its ears.

Well, she probably
won't even notice.

Her fashion sense is
obviously not that acute.

Well, she did say that
she bought it in a hurry.

Maybe she wasn't
paying that close attention.

'Course not.

I'm gonna have to chance it.

Now, what am I
gonna do with this one?

Why don't you just
burn the rest of it up?

I'll just put it in the garbage.

Hello, hello, everybody.

Well...

What in the world are
you doing home so early?

Oh, I was just so
nervous about tonight

I couldn't get a bit of
work done, so I just...

My dress. What about it?

Well, did you iron it?

Well, of course, I
did. I said I would.

Oh, Thelma, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

We were just admiring
it, weren't we, Ellen?

Mm.

Oh, well, I think
I'll just slip it on.

Uh, no. Don't do that.

Now, I was just about to
take that upstairs and hang it.

No, I'll take it 'cause
I want to try it on.

You don't wanna do that.
It'll get all wrinkled again.

Thelma, for heaven's sake,

I'm not planning
to take a nap in it.

I just wanna see if it needs
any last-minute adjustments.

Good Lord. My heart is
pounding a mile a minute.

But she didn't seem
to notice anything.

Mama.

Oh, Vint. Good Lord.

Mama, where...?
Where's my shirt?

Well, what kind
of a greeti" is that?

Can't you say
hello to your sister?

Hello Ellen. Where's my shirt?

Not right now. I'm trying
to get this in the garbage.

Well, I... Well,
Vint. How's Naomi?

Oh, fine. She's just fine.

She's working a double shift
today down at the Food Circus.

Oh.

Mama, my shirt?

What shirt?

My yellow bowling
shirt. Where'd you put it?

Oh, that shirt.

The one I didn't wash.

You forgot to wash
my bowling shirt?

Well, I can't remember
everything around here.

It's my lucky shirt.

And we're going
head-to-head with the Pin Pals.

They're tough.

Oh, you'll do fine.

A lucky shirt is just
a silly superstition.

I suppose you
forgot my supper too?

Oh, well, how about
some nice lunchmeat?

I had lunchmeat for lunch.
I need some supper meat.

Boy, oh, boy, no
lucky shirt on my back,

no supper in my stomach.

My timing's gonna
be way off tonight, boy.

Huh! There goes the
semifinals, right down the tubes.

Thanks a lot, Mama.

Thanks a whole, big bunch.

Oh, Mama, he'll calm
down once he grows up.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

If I'm late for my French
lesson, Marcel will be furious...

Oh, mon Dieu!

What do you think?

It's you, dear. It's really you.

It just doesn't seem to look
the same as it did in the store.

Well, it looks exactly the same.

I mean, it doesn't hang right.

It's certainly a dress
you'd look twice at.

But I don't remember

all of these... little tucks
and gathers and stuff.

And look, look at my seat.

See how it's all
kind of bunched up?

Well, now, it does sort of draw
attention to your seat, there.

But that always has been
one of your best features.

Oh, and it's a wonderful
buy for only $55.

I don't know. I think I...

How did you know the
price of the dress, Ellen?

Well, we were... We were
over at Needemeyer's today

and we saw a whole bunch of 'em.

You were at Needemeyer's today?

Well, that's what I
said, isn't it, Fran?

Ellen was going down there,

so I figured why
not just tag along?

You were at Needemeyer's today?

Why does this dress
look so different?

Well, it's almost
exactly the same.

"Almost exactly"?

Is this some kind
of a practical joke?

That's it, isn't it?

It's a joke dress.

Huh?

[LAUGHS]

You went down to the joke
store, and you got a joke dress.

That's it, isn't it? Huh?

[LAUGHS]

Except I never
heard of a joke dress,

and you don't make jokes.

Okay, Thelma, where's
the dress I bought?

I think you better
tell her, Mama.

It's... It's in the garbage.

What did you say?

She said it's dans le garbage.

I burnt a big hole in it.

[FRAN GASPS]

And I wanted to get you
another dress to replace it,

and the saleslady told me that
this dress was exactly the same.

I don't believe this!

Oh, no!

[WEEPING]

See, Mama, I told
you she'd take it well.

I must rush. Good
luck tonight, Fran.

That story on guard
dogs sounds fascinating.

Crossing guards!

Well, whatever. Au revoir, Mama.

Boy, next time I'm
down at Needemeyer's,

I'm gonna strangle
that salesgirl.

Oh, no, don't try to
blame your sneaky little act

on somebody else.

Well, I was just trying
to do a good deed.

Lies! Lies! Lies and deceit!

Oh, I just wonder what else
you've tried to put over on me.

I bet there was salt

in that potato salad
last night, wasn't there?

There most certainly was not.

Oh, lies. Lies! Lies! Lies!

You were a liar
when you were little,

and you are a liar now.

And it's all Mama's fault.

She just thought
you hung the moon.

You got by with murder.

And then who got stuck
taking care of the old witch? Me!

Well, start taking
care of yourself,

because the liar
is fed up with it.

I have cooked and... And
scrubbed and washed and ironed

and... And answered the
phone for you long enough,

and... And all I ever
hear is you griping

about how nothing is perfect.

I never said you had to be...

Well, I am not perfect!

So I might lie once a while,

keep you from going
into a tizzy. So what?

I have worried myself
to a frazzle all day

over that damn dress
when I ain't even the one

that should've been
ironing it in the first place.

You want it done perfect,

then you just let
perfect Fran do it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thelma.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Listen, I know that I'm
a little high-strung, but...

good Lord, I'm not violent.

Why didn't you just
call me and tell me?

Because I'm a big dope.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Sometimes I think
I'm losing my marbles,

and it just scares me to death.

Do you know that I clean forgot

my hair appointment
today with Ellen?

Well, anyone could forget
an appointment with Ellen.

And today when I ruined
your brand-new dress

I said, "That's it, Thelma.

It's time to hang
up your apron."

You've been under a whole
lot of pressure lately, Thelma.

Are you kidding me?

I used to iron a dress
with my right hand,

mash potatoes with my left

with four screaming
kids under my feet.

Well, nothing's changed.

Why, you're just as
good as you ever were.

Oh. Well, I think
you're wonderful.

And shoot, as far as
that old dress goes,

don't you worry about that.

I'll just... I'll just wear my
trusty old beige chiffon.

[CHUCKLES]

Frannie, if it needs pressing,
you just give a holler.

Fran!

Fran. Uh, I guess maybe
there's just a couple things

that I ought to own up to.

There was salt in
that potato salad,

and in the soup.

And there was sugar on them
strawberries the other day,

and that coffee this morning,
that wasn't decaffeinated.

I knew it! I knew
you were lying to me.

Well, everybody else in
this family likes real coffee,

and you can't
tell the difference

between coffee and prune juice.

FRAN: Do you know
what caffeine does to you?

MAMA: Well, I know
what it does to you.

You'll have your precious
decaf here by tomorrow morning

if I gotta get Marcus
Welby in here in person.

[♪♪♪]