Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 1 - Vint and the Kids Move In - full transcript

Mama's in a hurry to get to the mall for a sale and tries to hurry Fran along to finish eating. But before that can happen Fran's boss at the newspaper calls. Telling her she has to come in and re-edit her latest story. Mama is obviously upset because she can't drive and has no way to get to the sale. Meanwhile Vinton, Mama's only son, drops by the house and announces that he and the kids have been evicted from their house. Now he's hoping that he, his daughter Sonja, and his son Buzz, can stay with Mama until he gets back on his feet. Against Fran's wishes Mama agrees. Vint gets the basement, Buzz gets the attic, and Sonja gets Fran's writing studio because she refuses to sleep on the couch. Fran is outraged by this, and her and Mama have a huge argument about it. Fran's mood turns even more sour when she finds out Sonja stumbled up on the book that she'd been working on recently and reads it. Fran says it's an invasion of her privacy and finally makes the decision that she'll move out. Because she can't take the stress anymore. Of course Mama had no idea that Fran was actually writing in her studio. But later as things settle down a bit, her and Mama have a heart to heart and she changes her mind and decides to stay after all.

[♪♪♪]

Fran, would you stop
picking at them eggs?

One must chew one's food.

One doesn't have to chew eggs.

You just let 'em slide
down your throat.

Come on, we're gonna
be late for the sale.

Will you please calm down.

Don't get your
apron in an uproar.

[PHONE RINGING]

Well, I just can't stand it
when a sale starts without me.

Hello? Hello, George, what's up?



Well, just hang up on him. Shh!

What?

Well, just tell him
no, whatever it is. No!

George, listen,
don't do a thing.

I'll be right down.

Well, what could I
say? It's an emergency.

We're not gonna go
to that sleepwear sale?

Thelma, listen. Six inches
have to be cut out of my column.

Now I'm not gonna let
that George Harris do it.

It would make no sense at all

when he got through with it.

Well, who'd ever
know the difference?

Nobody reads that
measly little paper.

Measly? That paper goes
to every house in Raytown.



Oh, well, sure, they
throw it on your porch

whether you want it or not.

All it does is lay out there

and tip off the burglars
that nobody's home.

Well, fine.

Calling my life's work measly,

is that the message
for this morning?

Everybody lets me down.

All my kids, my
inconsiderate husband,

God rest his soul.

And now you, my own sister.

I can't count on anybody
to take me anywhere.

I am sorry, Thelma.

Well, swell.

Another whoop-de-doo
day at home.

Listen, if you're looking
for something to do,

this would be a perfect
opportunity for you

to clear all those old boxes
of junk out of my studio.

Well, I can't do that
till the kids come over

and tell me what
they want to keep.

Thelma, you have been
saying that for a solid year,

ever since I moved in here.

I am getting tired crawling over
those boxes to get to my desk

to write my book.

Oh, you and that book.

You ain't never
gonna write a book.

I wish you would
stop saying that.

I tell you, there
is a book in me.

It's gonna stay in there too.

Listen, either you
get rid of those boxes,

or you stand in grave danger
of losing a paying guest.

Oh, well, who the hell cares?

Who asked you to move
in here in the first place?

Well, you did.

Ya whined and whimpered
about being a woman

rattling around alone
in this old house.

You moved in here because
you didn't have the guts

to live alone after Mama died.

You came over here blubbering

about what a lonely
old maid you were.

Oh, just let me out of here.

It's no wonder your
children stay away in droves.

Well, they do not.

Vinton comes over here a lot.

Yes. Especially this last year
since his wife ran out on him.

And I notice he always
arrives with a big bag of laundry.

Seems to get here
right around mealtime.

Hidy-ho, Aunt Fran.

[LAUGHS]

Hi, Mama.

You're a little late.
We ate already.

Hi, Aunt Fran. Hello, kids. Hi.

Don't have time to rap.
Let me out. Let me out.

Well, don't just stand
there letting every fly in.

Come on.

Hello, Sonja.

Turning into a
real pretty gir...

Well, Buzz, I believe
you've gotten taller

behind my back. Sorry.

I guess next time I see you
you're gonna have a gray beard.

Uh, I got a feeling you're
gonna be seeing a lot more of me.

Oh, Mama, I brought
you a bag of walnuts.

Well, that's just what I need.

[CHUCKLES]

And this here's just a bag
of laundry I brought over

in case you felt like
tossing it in with your stuff.

Well, see if we can't find
a home for these walnuts.

Come on, Sonja.

Come on, Buzz.

Just what I need: Some
more nuts in this house.

Here, just put those in the
pantry for me for now, darlin'.

Well, thank you very much.

Oh! Oh, Mom called last week.

She's working at a
nightclub in Las Vegas.

Well, you're kidding me.

Did she actually get
a job as a showgirl?

Oh, no, she's just
a cocktail waitress.

Oh, well, good. I guess
Ann-Margret can sleep tonight.

Uh... Mama, can I
have a cup of coffee?

Yeah, sure, darlin'.

There's a cup right
there by the sink.

You know, Mama, me
and my friend Claude

have put a little
money into chinchillas.

It's an investment.

Well, why don't
you and that Claude

just throw all your
money down the drain

and have done with it?

No, no, no. This is
gonna pay off real good

just as soon as
they start breedin'.

Uh, it's just that I'm in kind of
a rough patch at the moment.

How rough is this patch?

Pretty rough.

We've been kicked
out of our house.

What?

It's not that bad, Mama.

Some men just came by
with a notice from the sheriff,

and they very politely
asked us to leave.

We... We walked
out very calmly, and...

And we can haul out
the furniture at our leisure.

Any time today.

Well, good Lord, how
could this happen?

Well, it all kind
of crept up on me.

Well, do something.

It's all over, Grandma.

They're auctioning off
the house tomorrow.

Buzz, I can handle this.

Go wait in the living
room. Go on, go on.

Well, just where do you
and them kids plan on living

while you're waiting for
your chinchillas to hatch?

Well, I thought we could
sort of bunk in here for a while.

Here?

It's just till I get on my feet,
Mama, and I could pay some rent.

Well, now, you just
slow down here, Vinton.

Mama, those kids need guidance.
They need your motherly advice,

your home-cooked
meals and your discipline.

I can't handle 'em.

Well, I warned you that
that ding-a-ling wife of yours

was gonna run
out on you one day.

Lord, I knew the minute I
laid eyes on that woman

she wasn't paddling with
both oars in the water.

I guess I did make a
mistake marrying Mitzi.

Well, you're always rushing
into things without thinking.

Yeah, I know, Mama.

And you tend to be
ungrateful and back-talky,

and I just won't
have that no more.

I won't be bad, Mama.

You sure?

Yeah, you won't
even know we're here.

Well, all right.

Just for a little
while, now, Vinton.

Kids, we're moving in.

Oh, cool. All right.

This is just for a
little while, now.

I can sleep in the rec
room in the basement.

I guess we could fix up
the attic room for Buzz.

Sonja can have Eunice
and Ellen's old bedroom.

Well, yeah, that'd
be... Well, no, no.

She can't have Eunice
and Ellen's old room.

That's Fran's studio now.

She's just gonna have
to sleep on the sofa.

Dad, you said I could
have my own room.

Mama, why don't you
ask your granddaughter

to sleep out on the street?

Well, maybe Fran wouldn't mind.

But just for a little while.

Now, don't be
messing up that shelf.

That's Fran's shelf.

Well, how soon is Aunt
Fran gonna be back?

Too soon.

I need a Coke. I need a beer.

The only way I'm gonna keep
from going crazy around here

is to stay half-lit.

Now, you make sure that you
get everything that you want.

I will, Mama.

All right. The rest
of it is gonna go

to the Little
Sisters of the Poor.

They keep calling me.

I don't know how
they got my number.

Why you had to
drag me over for this...

I am late for a pedicure
because this can't wait.

What is the big rush?

The big rush is
Vint needs the room.

Long as I can remember,

little Vint has been
disrupting my life.

And may I ask, where
is dear sister Eunice

during this great
emergency cleanout?

Well, she and Ed are at a
hardware convention in Tulsa.

Well, I suppose I should
thank the Lord for small favors.

Mama, look at this. It's
my old composition book.

English B three.

"'What I Want to Be When
I Grow Up' by Ellen Harper.

"I want to be a famous
movie star, an author,

and one of the richest
women in the world."

[GIGGLES]

Well, none out
of three ain't bad.

[FOOTSTEPS]

MAMA: Vint, be
careful. Good Lord.

Well, Vint...

Good Lord, you crazy fool.
You're gonna break your neck.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Look at you.

Get this stuff off the
floor. I'll get it, I'll get it.

All right. Well, pick it up.

Well, Buzz. Buzz,
slow down. Buzz?

Watch where you're going here.

Where are you going?
To the basement? Yep.

All right. Take it easy now.

I got it.

Okay. Don't hurt
yourself, now. All right.

Oof!

Well, now, wait a minute.

What's that you're
putting on my stove?

That's just some butterfly
larvae for biology class.

Well, you can't leave 'em there.

But they pupate
a lot faster there.

Well, whatever that
is, it ain't gonna happen

on the top of that stove.

But they're happy
where it's nice and warm.

They'll be just as happy
down in the basement.

Now, you just move
the rakes and shovels

and put 'em down by
the hot-water heater.

They can pupate to
their heart's content.

Where do I put the
rakes and the shovels?

I don't care, Buzz.
Just put 'em anywhere.

Rakes and shovels
don't care where they are.

Just as long as they're
together they're happy!

Okay, Buzz, let's go
get that day bed next.

Oh.

Dad says you can use
his vacuum for a spare.

Where do you want it?

Upstairs in your bedroom
closet so it'll be nice and handy

when you dust and vacuum
up there every Saturday.

Grandma, I'm allergic to dust.

Well, if you do
your job right, darlin',

there won't be any
dust to be allergic to.

I'm surprised at Aunt
Fran letting someone

take away her precious studio.

Well, I haven't told her yet.

You haven't told her?

Well, I gotta think of
exactly the right words.

How 'bout, "Fran,
I shafted you"?

I just hope I'm out of
here afore she gets home.

WOMAN: Yoo-hoo.

What in the world is that?

Well, it's Naomi, that wild
woman from next door.

Good Lord, why did I
get up this morning?

[SHOUTING] Hey, Ms. Harper.

I heard you the first time.

Listen, I'm sorry, but
when a person is fed up,

they are fed up and I'm fed up.

Now I want you to take
care of this situation for me

right this very minute.

Come back tomorrow.
It's about your elm tree.

Well, what's it doing now?

Same thing it's always doing.

It's dripping sap
all over my car.

Well, help yourself
to a beer. Thank you.

If you don't want it
dripping on your damn car,

then you ought not
to park under my tree.

Listen, I have a right to park
my own car in my own driveway.

It's your responsibility

to prune those
branches off your tree.

If you're not gonna
pay any attention to me,

I'm just gonna have to take
it to the small claims court.

Well, take it to the
Supreme Court for all I care.

They can always work
in one more lunatic.

Honey, I'm gonna
look like a lunatic

driving around in an
automobile all covered with goo.

And it does not come
off in the car wash either.

I'm gonna have it hand-washed,

and I expect you
to pick up the check.

I don't have time
for this right now.

My entire house is
being turned upside down.

Well, I can't help that.

I'm supposed to pick up
a girlfriend at the airport.

I haven't seen her
since high school,

and I'm not driving up
in a sap-covered car.

Well, for all I care, you
can drive up in a hay wagon.

Mama, would you open
the basement door?

Good Lord, Vint,
watch what you're doing.

NAOMI: Vint?

Vinton Harper?

Why, as I live and breathe.

Why, Naomi Oates.

How you been?

Well, fine. How you been, Vint?

Just fine. You devil.

What is the matter with you?

I've lived right across the way
from your mama here for ages.

You never come
over to say hi to me.

Well, I wouldn't want
to take up the time

of the head cheerleader of
Edgar Allan Poe High School.

Oh, that's water under
the bridge, isn't it, Vint?

Honey, I hung up my
pom-pons years ago.

Let me help you
up out of that box.

Thanks.

Gee, you look like you
still got the same old pep.

Well. Hey, you remember?

[CHANTING] Go, go, go!

BOTH: Edgar Allen Poe!

You bet I remember.
Hold this beer.

Give us a cheer.

♪ We will leave 'em
Weak and weary ♪

♪ We will give 'em
A midnight dreary ♪

BOTH: ♪ Will they
ever Top our score? ♪

♪ Quoth the Raven, nevermore! ♪

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

If we're gonna be staying here
a while, can I put my end down?

Oh, yeah. Sure. Go
ahead. Oh... Na...

Naomi, this is my son, Buzz.

You're kidding me. This
handsome boy is your kid?

Yeah.

Chip off the old
block, right, Vint?

Well, we can all have
a weenie roast later.

Right now there's
work to be done.

Yeah, what are y'all doing?

Oh, me and my kids are
moving in with Mama for a while.

Moving in? Yeah.

You mean, I'm gonna
have you two hunks

living right next
door to me now?

[NERVOUS CHUCKLING]

Buzz, go carry somethin' in
or out or upstairs or somethin'.

Gotcha, Dad.

See ya around, Buzz.

Care to sit down?

Why, thank you.

Oh, here's your beer. Thanks.

You know somethin', Naomi? What?

You know somethin'?

I had quite a crush
on you in high school.

NAOMI: You did, Vint?

Why didn't you say
somethin' about it at the time?

I could have squeezed
you in someplace.

Naomi, ain't you gotta go
call your lawyer or something?

Well, maybe I'm not gonna
have to now, Ms. Harper.

Maybe this great big,
handsome son of yours can

take care of those
branches for me now.

Listen, Vint, maybe
you and I should go out

and play one night next week.

That is, if your mama's
gonna let you out of the house.

Don't be a stranger
now, you hear? Oh, no.

Bye-bye.

Don't just stand there
daydreaming, stranger.

There is work to be done.

Mama, you got a
tree you want pruned?

I certainly do not.

I got a tree she wants pruned.

Now put the damn beer down,
get this mattress off the floor.

You got any idea what
you...? What you...?

Never mind. What are you
doing? Taking this upstairs.

All right. Up to your room.

Can we get the mattress
out...? Well, hello, all.

What's going on?

Fran. What?

I've got to go get a mop.

Come on, let's get this
mattress down to the basement.

What...? What do you mean,
mattress down to the base...?

Vint, why are you take...?

Well, for heaven's sake.

Honey. Sonja!

Why are you carrying
that big thing in here?

Ellen? What?

What is going on here?

Fran, Mama has some bad
news and some good news for you.

The bad news is...

there isn't any good news.

Well?

Well,

Vint lost the house,
and he and the kids

have been thrown
out on the street.

So?

So they're gonna live
with us here for a while,

that's what's so.
No, no, Thelma.

This house is not big
enough for all those people.

Now, I have to have my privacy.

You still got your own bedroom.

Well, what about my studio?

This is my house, and I
can take in whoever I want!

Yes. You have just made
that abundantly clear.

Yanking my workspace
right out from under my feet!

You don't need that damn studio.

For 20 years you've
been sitting on that book

like a hen trying to lay an egg.

For your information, miss,

I have finished the
first three chapters.

SONJA: Hey, Grandma.

What do I do with this
junk I found in my room?

What junk?

I don't know. It looks like some
kind of a story or something.

"Gladiola said, 'Hush"
to her confused mind

"as the senator's
strong, primitive body

slowly crushed
her to the ground."

Well, how did this
smut get into my house?

That is my book!

Well, that's hot
stuff, Aunt Fran.

You mean, you really
have been writin'?

First, they move in, then
they take away my studio,

now they have
violated my life's work.

Well, I'm sorry, Thelma,

but while your precious
family is unpacking,

your little baby
sister will be packing.

Because I am leaving.

Now, Frannie, don't do this.

You leave me no choice.

Well, just go ahead, then.
It'll mean less work for me.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Of course, you
ain't gonna be able

to find an apartment tonight.

Well, then I'll look
through the classified ads

first thing in the morning.

Fine.

Well, now, I don't know
whether to go grab a bite or what.

Well, it's silly of
you not to eat here.

I guess it is. I am
kind of hungry.

[SIGHS]

Well... Tsk.

I guess I could set the table.

Fine.

Sonja, supper!

Buzz, Vint, wash
up. Supper's ready.

VINT: Okay, Mama.

All right, now, it's just
this one last supper.

First thing in the
morning, I'm leaving.

Fine.

Oh! Oh, wait a minute.

Tomorrow's Sunday, isn't it?

All day.

I couldn't leave on Sunday.

I'll have to leave on Monday.

I will leave first thing
Monday morning.

Fine.

Oh, but Monday.

Monday I've got that big story
I have to cover for the paper.

Good Lord, I couldn't
look for an apartment

in the middle of
all that pressure.

Well, then you can
leave on Tuesday.

Fine.

Well, here we are.
BUZZ: Yeah, I'm hungry.

Oh, well, now,
let's see. Uh... Uh...

Vint, you sit right over there.

Buzz, you sit right next to me.

Frannie sits there.
That's fine, Sonja.

After supper, can I read
the rest of your book?

You most certainly may not.

You're too young to
be reading that smut.

It is not smut, Thelma.

The section the child read

was taken totally
out of context.

MAMA: If I'd have
known that kind of trash

was being written
up in that studio,

I'd have stopped
it a long time ago.

VINT: Will somebody
pass the salad?

MAMA: Take the damn salad.

What the hell kind of
name is Gladiola anyway?

[DISH SHATTERS]

[♪♪♪]