Make Some Noise (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Things Jimmy Stewart Would Give to Mary In Addition to the Moon - full transcript
Allie, Izzy, and Erin make things even more sexual than usual.
- [Sam] Tonight,
world famous interpretive
dancer, Allie Jennings.
(playful intro music)
(door closing gently)
A bar patron about to pick
a fight, Isabella Roland,
- You wanna go?
'Cause I'll go!
- [Sam] And finally, her
royal majesty, Erin Dellorso!
(door closing gently)
They're all here to "Make Some Noise!"
(playful intro music continues)
Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"
the game so good, we
spun it off unchanged.
I am your host, Sam Reich,
and here's how the show works:
I have a series of improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before,
isn't that right, players?
- That's right, players.
- That's the truth.
- Mm-hmm.
- They will to the best of their
ability fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points,
and the winner will go home
with the coveted Golden Ear
which comes complete with the
tablespoon of golden ear wax.
- Hot.
- Players, are you ready to rumble?
- Yes.
- Ya!
- Allie!
"Someone casually trying to sneak in
all the state birds they
know into conversation."
- Wow, gosh, this is such a cool bar.
What cool cocktails,
what's this cocktail
called, a yellowhammer?
(Allie laughing pleasingly)
No that's the state bird
of Alabama, just kidding.
I will have a sip of it though.
Ooh, ah spicy.
Gosh, is that like mezcal?
It kinda feels like a
brown thrasher in my mouth.
Oh wait, that's the state bird of Georgia.
(Allie laughing pleasingly)
God, I'm sitting here, just
talking about birds a lot.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a common loon,
heh,
the state bird of Minnesota.
- I'll cut you off there
on that high note, Allie.
- Were those right?
- Those were correct.
- Really?
- Yes.
You joined Brennan,
in the ranks of those who
know a lotta state birds
off the top of their freaking head.
Points for you,
I mean I think it's pretty
safe to say, quite a few.
(Allie laughing excitedly)
- Tweet tweet, bitch!
- Izzy.
- [Sam] "A dog show announcer
who's clearly sexually
attracted to one of the breeds.
(contestants laughing amusingly)
- We see the Pomeranian
glide across the floor.
A jump, she nails it, fantastic.
And the...
(lustfully) German Shepherd...
(Sam guffaws)
slides down the stage,
like a dirty, dirty, bitch.
(Sam laughing amusingly)
And she jumps, splaying her back leg out.
(Erin laughing)
Looks up at me? No, not here.
We can't.
You want to?
I mean, everybody's seeing this.
Okay, let's go.
(Sam laughing)
- It wouldn't be a Dropout show
if Izzy didn't almost get topless.
Wow, I'm imagining a bunch of children
at home on Thanksgiving
with their mouths agape.
(Contestants laughing)
Erin.
"The kid you're babysitting for
doesn't want you to see what
happened in the other room."
- Cara, you can't go in there!
Cara! 'Cause my... I, well...
Cara, there's a naked picture
of me in the other room
and Cara, you without... You can't...
I heard that's bad.
Cara, don't go in there
because I would report you to my dad
because there's naked
pictures of myself in there
and you can't look at them!
- Laying down the child
pornography charges.
It's like full-on "Euphoria" tactics.
- She doesn't want her to go in there!
- Don't go in there!
Definitely points for you.
Allie, we're back to you.
I mean, how you feelin'?
It's round one, we've done three,
we've got a few more to go.
- Yeah, yeah, so I'm in
pretty big competition.
But this show isn't called
"Make Some Friends,"
it's called "Make Some Noise,"
and that's what I'm here to do!
- That's what I like to
hear. (Sam laughing happily)
"Things Jimmy Stewart would give Mary
in addition to the Moon."
- What do you want, Mary? Tell me.
You want an orgasm?
Just say the word, Mary, I'll take a lasso
and I'll throw it around your G-spot,
and I'll pull, and I'll
touch, and I'll wiggle,
until you cum, Mary.
Oh, Mary you'll orgasm so much
that you'll have bright shining lights
shooting from your fingertips.
You'll dissolve into an
ecstasy of fireworks.
What's that, Mary? You
wanna try butt stuff too?
I'll do it.
I'll take that lasso and I'll
just snake it on up there
until you feel things
you never even thought
you could feel before.
- This lasso is getting
way too much action.
- You sound like you're doing
Sam Elliot impersonation.
(everyone laughing amusingly)
- It's a Wonderful Sex Positive Life.
- Exactly.
- I don't know, Izzy, I think
Allie's doing pretty well.
- I don't give a fuck.
(Sam chuckles)
- Least competitive person on the planet.
"Your friend's mom who is nice to you,
but then mean to your
friend in front of you."
(Izzy inhaling loudly)
- Tyler, TyTy!
You want Bagel Bites?
I've already got 'em made.
(Izzy gasps)
Whoops, they've been
eaten by fucking Jeremy.
(Sam laughing loudly)
Hey Tyler, you wanna go in the pool?
I know you love our pool so damn much.
Oops you can't, Jeremy
shit in the pool last week.
(Erin laughing)
Sorry Tyler, sorry.
I'm fun.
Alicia's fun, right?
Hey, I rented "No Way Home"
if you guys wanna watch that.
Just kidding, Tyler, you
can't watch any movies
because Jeremy threw a
baseball at the television.
(Sam giggling loudly)
I'm not mad at you, Tyler.
You know what, why
don't we go to the park?
You love the park, Tyler, don't you?
(Sam laughing amusingly)
- Oh no, I'll cut you off there,
this is not a happy household.
Last one of round one, Erin.
- Mm-hmm, okay.
- "Someone currently being burned ASMR."
- (Whisper) Ow.
(Sam laughing quietly)
Ah, ah, that really hurts so bad.
Ah, ooh, yeah.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Oh, oh, oh, my...
Ah okay, yeah.
No actually keep going,
it feels kinda good.
Yeah, set me on fire, set me on fire.
Just set me on fire,
then you can just put
me out right afterwards.
Ah, oh no actually it really hurts.
My skin is melting.
Oh my God, my skin is melting.
Guys... (Erin whimpering gently)
Guys, I'm burning to death.
Tell my parents I love them.
(Erin sizzling quietly)
- And cut.
I think that wins the award
for softest "Make Some
Noise" prompt of all time.
- I'm getting hot up here.
(Sam laughing loudly)
- I'd subscribe to that channel.
(playful bright music)
- It's time for the minigame.
Today, we're playing "Toss Up."
Players, here's how this works:
I present you with a category,
you buzz in and give me
bullshit based on said category.
Today, we are doing cast taglines
for the "Real Housewives
of Cryptozoology,"
that means mythological creatures.
Don't be concerned,
I'm gonna give you the
mythological creature,
and then you are going to
give me those taglines.
"Bigfoot," if Bigfoot was
on the "Real Housewives."
(buzzers buzzing abruptly)
- Izzy.
- If you think my foot is
big, wait til you see my dick.
- There you go!
- "Cyclops."
(buzzer)
Allie.
- I've got my eye on you!
- Yes, he does.
(buzzer)
Izzy.
- I've got an eye for drama and jewelry.
- Oh, that's a sassy cyclops.
Erin.
- I've got a lot of eyes
and a whole lot of money.
- A lot of eyes?
(Allie laughing amusingly)
- By this logic, maybe he
doesn't have that much money.
- He has one money.
- [Sam] He has one money!
- He's broke.
- Truly in my head for that
moment, being honest here,
I was like a cyclops has hundreds of eyes.
- [Sam] Yes, right.
"Unicorn."
(buzzer)
Izzy.
- I'm the world's best backstabber and..
I'll itch your butt.
(Sam bursts out laughing)
- Was the "I'll eat your
butt" really necessary?
- Itch!
- Oh, itch your butt.
(buzzer)
Erin.
- I've got a lot of
horns and a lot of money.
(Sam laughs)
- Oh man, you turned that
around, Erin, with that callback.
I'm gonna give you bonus points for that.
(Izzy gasping surprisingly)
Very good.
- Cheater.
- Allie, got anything for me?
- Yeah, I do.
Giddy up because this unicorn's horny.
- Yes indeed she did!
- Yeah!
- "The Loch Ness Monster."
(buzzers going off)
Allie.
- I may seem shallow,
but there's a lot going
on underneath the surface.
- Yes!
- Oh my God.
- Fuckin' excellent!
Fuckin' A!
(buzzer)
She's going for it.
- If you think I crapped in my lake,
you're gonna hear the tea!
(everyone laughing amusingly)
- "The centaur."
(buzzer)
Allie.
- I've got brown eyes, a heart of gold,
and a big old horse dick.
- Mmm, very good.
(buzzer)
Erin.
- You can ride me here or here.
- Oh!
- Okay!
- We're veering a little
bit away from "Housewives"
and a little bit more into like-
- Tinder dating profile.
- Yeah, or like commercial for phone sex.
- Yes, yes, yes.
(buzzer)
- Catch my new fashion
line at Centaur-y 21.
(Sam laughs)
(playful bright music returns)
- That brings us to round two,
where our players will
now test their talents
in teams of two.
Allie and Izzy.
"Two big mouth bass programmed
to 'read' each other."
(Sam giggling anticipatorily)
- Hey bitch, did you come from
Lake Titicaca?
(Sam cackling amusingly)
- Hey big fish mouth,
you eat any worms today?
'Cause you are what you
eat, a big slimy wiggly guy.
(Sam and Erin laughing amusingly)
- Whoa!
Did a big shipment of vagina just come in,
or am I a fish?
(Sam laughing loudly)
- You're off the hook
because you're so scrawny,
you're not even edible.
They threw you back.
- You fuckin' talk to me like that again,
I'll fucking kill you
and your whole family.
- Oh yeah?
Good luck, they're already dead.
The bears got 'em.
- Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
- This really took a turn.
If there are any animators out there,
I desperately wanna see that come to life.
- Points?
- Abso-fuckin'-lutely points!
- [Izzy] 69, 69, 69, 69.
- Izzy and Erin.
"Mummies in the heat of the moment,
unraveling each other's clothes."
(Izzy grunting hauntingly)
- We can't do this.
We can't, we can't.
- (muffled) Turn around.
(muffled) Yeah.
- Hurry up, I'm gonna lose my boner.
Oh, it's going fast now.
(Izzy grunting loudly)
We're not even doing anything sexual yet.
(Erin whimpers as Izzy continues to groan)
My-my-
- My dick...fall...off!
- Oh my god, it fell off!
My dick fell off.
(Mummy groaning noises)
- Go back in, go back in!
- Yeah, more, more!
Let's just try it.
- You ever not know when
to hit the stop button?
(Izzy and Erin moaning comedically)
There's a piece of me
that just wants to see
how long this will go
if I don't say anything.
- I cheated on you back-
(Sam laughing amusingly)
- [Sam] What the fuck?
I think that Izzy's dick fell off,
and then the act of putting
it back on became sexual.
- Doesn't that ever happen to you?
(Sam laughing amusingly)
- It was a monster mash.
- A monster 'smash'.
- [Sam] It was a graveyard smash.
Points for the two of you, for sure.
Allie and Erin.
"A palm reader trying to
sugarcoat very bad news."
- So young, so much life.
- What is it, what do you see?
- What matters is that you
take the moments that you have
and you make them special.
Length of life, not important.
(Sam and Izzy giggling quietly)
It's what you do with
the life you do have.
- Okay well, what I'm really interested in
is knowing about my love life.
What is my love line tell you?
- Yeah, you know what, let's-
- 'Cause I met this-
- Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
- Person the other day,
and I really think like
there's something there.
- Absolutely.
Oh okay, (whisper) darkness.
- What, did you say darkness?
- Darkness can be beautiful.
It doesn't-
It doesn't matter how
short-lived the love is,
it's what you do with the
love that you do have-
- What do you mean "short-lived,"
we've only been on one
date. Does that mean-
- And if you two burn
together in a fiery explosion-
- What?
- What matters...
Don't panic, girl.
(Izzy snorts)
You take the moments that you do have.
Let's move on from love, anything else?
Money, money.
- Yeah, yeah.
I just invested in a lot of crypto.
(Sam laughing amusingly)
Did you just throw up in your mouth?
- And cut.
Well done.
Yes, points for the two of you.
That brings us back to Allie and Izzy.
"The guy from 'Operation'
trying to hook up with someone."
- I'm so excited we're
finally gonna do this, Mark.
- (Allie chuckles) Me too.
(Sam laughing anticipatorily)
(Allie buzzing loudly)
- We don't have to do this.
- No, no, please,
I haven't been touched by
someone in a really long time.
- Okay.
- You just gotta be a little gentle.
- Is here okay?
- Oh yeah.
Just not right there!
Sorry, I have a wrench in my rib.
(Sam laughing)
It's a long story, we
don't need to go into it.
- Okay.
- There's a lot of malpractice involved.
- Can you do this?
- Yes, my penis isn't broken!
- So, only touch your penis?
- You could also touch
my left index finger.
- (laughing) I'll cut you off there.
Apart from anything else,
I like the amount of direction
that you were giving,
you know?
People need to tell their
partner what they want.
- Yes.
- Touch my penis and my left index finger.
Different strokes for different folks.
Izzy and Erin.
"Evil lunch ladies hint at
what's in the sloppy joes."
(Izzy laughing sneakily)
- No, take it.
- Take it all.
- It's good for you.
- Yeah, it'll like make you
grow like strong bones and shit.
- Yeah 'cause there's not-
- Rats in it-
- There's not a bunch of rats in it.
- No.
I didn't have a mole removed
and put it into the sloppy joe.
- No,
she didn't have such a stinky
horrible mole on her foot
that a bunch of rats found it,
and then we had to kill all the rats.
We wouldn't do that!
- We would never do that-
- To children!
- There is not a sack of dirty clothes
that sat in the back of my convertible
when the top was down,
it rained a lot, it got moldy and wet.
I didn't cut it up into a bunch of pieces
and mix it into this sloppy joe.
I would never do that, right?
- (Silent) Right.
Right?
Like, I would never crawl through pipes
to get backed-up feces from
old apartment buildings
and put it in your sloppy joes,
like I would never do that.
Like I would never go to
a graveyard, you know,
and dig up bodies, and cut them up,
and like put them in your...
Like, I would never-
- Ever, ever.
- I think I'm gonna cut you off
before Izzy has an aneurysm.
That recipe will be up on the show's blog,
if anyone's curious.
Last prompt of round two, Erin and Allie.
The "'Downton Abbey' sisters
debate who shat in the hallway."
(Allie laughing loudly)
- It looks like there's a
bit of feces in the hallway.
- How astute of you, Mary,
always finding the shit in the hallway.
But wasn't that old saying, whoever-
- [Erin] Smelt it, dealt it?
- [Allie] Saw it, did it?
- I would be absolutely out of my wits
to take a shit in the hallway, alright?
Look, I'm not trying to call you out here
in front of the children.
- Oh that's right,
the children are all
watching us right now.
- We both know who's been
shitting in the hallway,
and it's not me.
- Look Mary, you're the
oldest, you're the favorite,
you're going to inherit
"Downton Abbey" someday!
But, that doesn't mean that
I have to take your shit!
I may be the second born
sister, I may be the ugly one,
but I will not take your shit
figuratively or literally
any longer!
So there!
- No!
(Erin screaming angrily)
- Are you watching, children?
(Erin and Allie screaming chaotically)
- And I'll cut you off there
before an accidental Heimlich maneuver.
It feels pretty clear to me in retrospect
that it's one of the children
who shat in the hallway.
(contestants laughing amusingly)
(playful bright music returns)
That brings us to round three of our game,
where our players will all hold hands
and jump into the abyss together.
Allie, Izzy, Erin.
"A CPR video
in which they keep accusing
the viewer of being a pervert."
- Hey, you sick fuck.
(Sam guffaws)
You're gonna start off by
pressing your hands on her tits.
- Wow.
- Yeah, that's fucking disgusting
that you're not even gonna ask her
because she's unconscious.
- The gall.
- We're with the Red Cross, okay?
We're here to help people,
we're not here to help you
get off on some nipple play
on an unconscious person!
- Yeah.
- And don't even think we didn't notice
you put your mouth on her mouth!
- I bet you fucking love that,
putting your mouth on things
and just blowing and just blowing.
While you're getting off,
they're getting dead.
- I'll cut you off there.
Sometimes the execution of a prompt
is everything that you
thought it would be,
and that's great. (Sam laughing happily)
Allie, Izzy, and Erin.
"Izzy, Allie, and Erin,
argue about who would
actually win on 'Survivor.'"
- Erin, all the way.
- What?
- Genuinely believe that Erin would win.
You're a shark, Allie.
- No, but I can play the
part of an angel, I can!
(Sam giggling amusingly)
- Allie, you would make it far
because you are like the Midwest darling.
- Crazy. Oh.
(Allie and Sam laughing)
- But here's the thing,
I think your social game
would be like really good in your head.
- Okay so you think I'm
good with people in my head,
but in reality I'm bad with people?
- I just think people
would catch onto your game.
Izzy, I think you would say
something absolutely insane.
- I've said this before!
I can't do "Survivor," I would
take one step on the beach
and die of a yeast infection.
(Sam laughs and claps)
Don't make me say it again!
I'd have to be MedEvac'd out
because I have such an intense UTI!
- Allie, Allie, Allie!
- You could could be like the
Sandra of the season though.
- I wanna believe I could be a Sandra!
We all know I'm not a Sandra!
I have a very low constitution score,
I can withstand nothing!
- I will cut you off
there, the three of you.
I just wanted to see what that
looked like when it happens,
and boy, oh boy.
We have one more prompt to go.
- Wow.
- Oh my gosh.
- Okay, how close is it?
- Let me check.
(buttons clicking loudly)
It's neck and neck.
"Construction workers catcall passersby
with their deep-down emotional needs."
- Yo, why'd my dad have to die?
(Sam and Izzy laughing)
- Hey, hey, toots!
Why don't you come over to my place
and sit next to me on the
couch so I feel less alone?
- Oh!
- Oh, that's right.
- Hey cutie,
yeah you, in the pink skirt!
You look beautiful!
We don't even need to touch our kiss,
we'll just talk about
our hopes and dreams,
and, y'know, all the things
we wanna do before we die!
Hot stuff!
- Aw, mama!
- Hey mamma mia-
- Wanna go to a show with me?
- Wanna go see "Mamma
Mia" with the three of us?
- You every watch a man die?
- Okay, I'll cut you off there.
Oh my God.
What men will do instead of therapy.
(Allie giggling amusingly)
That brings us to the end of our game.
Our winner this evening, none
other than Allie Jennings.
(Allie cheering happily)
Allie, I crown you with
the coveted Golden Ear.
- Sounds good to me!
- Oh, that's actually my tagline.
- Oh.
- That does it for us
here on "Make Some Noise."
Tune in next time for
more of the game samer.
I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.
Goodnight.
(gentle uplifting closing music)
(audience applauding happily)
world famous interpretive
dancer, Allie Jennings.
(playful intro music)
(door closing gently)
A bar patron about to pick
a fight, Isabella Roland,
- You wanna go?
'Cause I'll go!
- [Sam] And finally, her
royal majesty, Erin Dellorso!
(door closing gently)
They're all here to "Make Some Noise!"
(playful intro music continues)
Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"
the game so good, we
spun it off unchanged.
I am your host, Sam Reich,
and here's how the show works:
I have a series of improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before,
isn't that right, players?
- That's right, players.
- That's the truth.
- Mm-hmm.
- They will to the best of their
ability fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points,
and the winner will go home
with the coveted Golden Ear
which comes complete with the
tablespoon of golden ear wax.
- Hot.
- Players, are you ready to rumble?
- Yes.
- Ya!
- Allie!
"Someone casually trying to sneak in
all the state birds they
know into conversation."
- Wow, gosh, this is such a cool bar.
What cool cocktails,
what's this cocktail
called, a yellowhammer?
(Allie laughing pleasingly)
No that's the state bird
of Alabama, just kidding.
I will have a sip of it though.
Ooh, ah spicy.
Gosh, is that like mezcal?
It kinda feels like a
brown thrasher in my mouth.
Oh wait, that's the state bird of Georgia.
(Allie laughing pleasingly)
God, I'm sitting here, just
talking about birds a lot.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a common loon,
heh,
the state bird of Minnesota.
- I'll cut you off there
on that high note, Allie.
- Were those right?
- Those were correct.
- Really?
- Yes.
You joined Brennan,
in the ranks of those who
know a lotta state birds
off the top of their freaking head.
Points for you,
I mean I think it's pretty
safe to say, quite a few.
(Allie laughing excitedly)
- Tweet tweet, bitch!
- Izzy.
- [Sam] "A dog show announcer
who's clearly sexually
attracted to one of the breeds.
(contestants laughing amusingly)
- We see the Pomeranian
glide across the floor.
A jump, she nails it, fantastic.
And the...
(lustfully) German Shepherd...
(Sam guffaws)
slides down the stage,
like a dirty, dirty, bitch.
(Sam laughing amusingly)
And she jumps, splaying her back leg out.
(Erin laughing)
Looks up at me? No, not here.
We can't.
You want to?
I mean, everybody's seeing this.
Okay, let's go.
(Sam laughing)
- It wouldn't be a Dropout show
if Izzy didn't almost get topless.
Wow, I'm imagining a bunch of children
at home on Thanksgiving
with their mouths agape.
(Contestants laughing)
Erin.
"The kid you're babysitting for
doesn't want you to see what
happened in the other room."
- Cara, you can't go in there!
Cara! 'Cause my... I, well...
Cara, there's a naked picture
of me in the other room
and Cara, you without... You can't...
I heard that's bad.
Cara, don't go in there
because I would report you to my dad
because there's naked
pictures of myself in there
and you can't look at them!
- Laying down the child
pornography charges.
It's like full-on "Euphoria" tactics.
- She doesn't want her to go in there!
- Don't go in there!
Definitely points for you.
Allie, we're back to you.
I mean, how you feelin'?
It's round one, we've done three,
we've got a few more to go.
- Yeah, yeah, so I'm in
pretty big competition.
But this show isn't called
"Make Some Friends,"
it's called "Make Some Noise,"
and that's what I'm here to do!
- That's what I like to
hear. (Sam laughing happily)
"Things Jimmy Stewart would give Mary
in addition to the Moon."
- What do you want, Mary? Tell me.
You want an orgasm?
Just say the word, Mary, I'll take a lasso
and I'll throw it around your G-spot,
and I'll pull, and I'll
touch, and I'll wiggle,
until you cum, Mary.
Oh, Mary you'll orgasm so much
that you'll have bright shining lights
shooting from your fingertips.
You'll dissolve into an
ecstasy of fireworks.
What's that, Mary? You
wanna try butt stuff too?
I'll do it.
I'll take that lasso and I'll
just snake it on up there
until you feel things
you never even thought
you could feel before.
- This lasso is getting
way too much action.
- You sound like you're doing
Sam Elliot impersonation.
(everyone laughing amusingly)
- It's a Wonderful Sex Positive Life.
- Exactly.
- I don't know, Izzy, I think
Allie's doing pretty well.
- I don't give a fuck.
(Sam chuckles)
- Least competitive person on the planet.
"Your friend's mom who is nice to you,
but then mean to your
friend in front of you."
(Izzy inhaling loudly)
- Tyler, TyTy!
You want Bagel Bites?
I've already got 'em made.
(Izzy gasps)
Whoops, they've been
eaten by fucking Jeremy.
(Sam laughing loudly)
Hey Tyler, you wanna go in the pool?
I know you love our pool so damn much.
Oops you can't, Jeremy
shit in the pool last week.
(Erin laughing)
Sorry Tyler, sorry.
I'm fun.
Alicia's fun, right?
Hey, I rented "No Way Home"
if you guys wanna watch that.
Just kidding, Tyler, you
can't watch any movies
because Jeremy threw a
baseball at the television.
(Sam giggling loudly)
I'm not mad at you, Tyler.
You know what, why
don't we go to the park?
You love the park, Tyler, don't you?
(Sam laughing amusingly)
- Oh no, I'll cut you off there,
this is not a happy household.
Last one of round one, Erin.
- Mm-hmm, okay.
- "Someone currently being burned ASMR."
- (Whisper) Ow.
(Sam laughing quietly)
Ah, ah, that really hurts so bad.
Ah, ooh, yeah.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Oh, oh, oh, my...
Ah okay, yeah.
No actually keep going,
it feels kinda good.
Yeah, set me on fire, set me on fire.
Just set me on fire,
then you can just put
me out right afterwards.
Ah, oh no actually it really hurts.
My skin is melting.
Oh my God, my skin is melting.
Guys... (Erin whimpering gently)
Guys, I'm burning to death.
Tell my parents I love them.
(Erin sizzling quietly)
- And cut.
I think that wins the award
for softest "Make Some
Noise" prompt of all time.
- I'm getting hot up here.
(Sam laughing loudly)
- I'd subscribe to that channel.
(playful bright music)
- It's time for the minigame.
Today, we're playing "Toss Up."
Players, here's how this works:
I present you with a category,
you buzz in and give me
bullshit based on said category.
Today, we are doing cast taglines
for the "Real Housewives
of Cryptozoology,"
that means mythological creatures.
Don't be concerned,
I'm gonna give you the
mythological creature,
and then you are going to
give me those taglines.
"Bigfoot," if Bigfoot was
on the "Real Housewives."
(buzzers buzzing abruptly)
- Izzy.
- If you think my foot is
big, wait til you see my dick.
- There you go!
- "Cyclops."
(buzzer)
Allie.
- I've got my eye on you!
- Yes, he does.
(buzzer)
Izzy.
- I've got an eye for drama and jewelry.
- Oh, that's a sassy cyclops.
Erin.
- I've got a lot of eyes
and a whole lot of money.
- A lot of eyes?
(Allie laughing amusingly)
- By this logic, maybe he
doesn't have that much money.
- He has one money.
- [Sam] He has one money!
- He's broke.
- Truly in my head for that
moment, being honest here,
I was like a cyclops has hundreds of eyes.
- [Sam] Yes, right.
"Unicorn."
(buzzer)
Izzy.
- I'm the world's best backstabber and..
I'll itch your butt.
(Sam bursts out laughing)
- Was the "I'll eat your
butt" really necessary?
- Itch!
- Oh, itch your butt.
(buzzer)
Erin.
- I've got a lot of
horns and a lot of money.
(Sam laughs)
- Oh man, you turned that
around, Erin, with that callback.
I'm gonna give you bonus points for that.
(Izzy gasping surprisingly)
Very good.
- Cheater.
- Allie, got anything for me?
- Yeah, I do.
Giddy up because this unicorn's horny.
- Yes indeed she did!
- Yeah!
- "The Loch Ness Monster."
(buzzers going off)
Allie.
- I may seem shallow,
but there's a lot going
on underneath the surface.
- Yes!
- Oh my God.
- Fuckin' excellent!
Fuckin' A!
(buzzer)
She's going for it.
- If you think I crapped in my lake,
you're gonna hear the tea!
(everyone laughing amusingly)
- "The centaur."
(buzzer)
Allie.
- I've got brown eyes, a heart of gold,
and a big old horse dick.
- Mmm, very good.
(buzzer)
Erin.
- You can ride me here or here.
- Oh!
- Okay!
- We're veering a little
bit away from "Housewives"
and a little bit more into like-
- Tinder dating profile.
- Yeah, or like commercial for phone sex.
- Yes, yes, yes.
(buzzer)
- Catch my new fashion
line at Centaur-y 21.
(Sam laughs)
(playful bright music returns)
- That brings us to round two,
where our players will
now test their talents
in teams of two.
Allie and Izzy.
"Two big mouth bass programmed
to 'read' each other."
(Sam giggling anticipatorily)
- Hey bitch, did you come from
Lake Titicaca?
(Sam cackling amusingly)
- Hey big fish mouth,
you eat any worms today?
'Cause you are what you
eat, a big slimy wiggly guy.
(Sam and Erin laughing amusingly)
- Whoa!
Did a big shipment of vagina just come in,
or am I a fish?
(Sam laughing loudly)
- You're off the hook
because you're so scrawny,
you're not even edible.
They threw you back.
- You fuckin' talk to me like that again,
I'll fucking kill you
and your whole family.
- Oh yeah?
Good luck, they're already dead.
The bears got 'em.
- Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
- This really took a turn.
If there are any animators out there,
I desperately wanna see that come to life.
- Points?
- Abso-fuckin'-lutely points!
- [Izzy] 69, 69, 69, 69.
- Izzy and Erin.
"Mummies in the heat of the moment,
unraveling each other's clothes."
(Izzy grunting hauntingly)
- We can't do this.
We can't, we can't.
- (muffled) Turn around.
(muffled) Yeah.
- Hurry up, I'm gonna lose my boner.
Oh, it's going fast now.
(Izzy grunting loudly)
We're not even doing anything sexual yet.
(Erin whimpers as Izzy continues to groan)
My-my-
- My dick...fall...off!
- Oh my god, it fell off!
My dick fell off.
(Mummy groaning noises)
- Go back in, go back in!
- Yeah, more, more!
Let's just try it.
- You ever not know when
to hit the stop button?
(Izzy and Erin moaning comedically)
There's a piece of me
that just wants to see
how long this will go
if I don't say anything.
- I cheated on you back-
(Sam laughing amusingly)
- [Sam] What the fuck?
I think that Izzy's dick fell off,
and then the act of putting
it back on became sexual.
- Doesn't that ever happen to you?
(Sam laughing amusingly)
- It was a monster mash.
- A monster 'smash'.
- [Sam] It was a graveyard smash.
Points for the two of you, for sure.
Allie and Erin.
"A palm reader trying to
sugarcoat very bad news."
- So young, so much life.
- What is it, what do you see?
- What matters is that you
take the moments that you have
and you make them special.
Length of life, not important.
(Sam and Izzy giggling quietly)
It's what you do with
the life you do have.
- Okay well, what I'm really interested in
is knowing about my love life.
What is my love line tell you?
- Yeah, you know what, let's-
- 'Cause I met this-
- Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
- Person the other day,
and I really think like
there's something there.
- Absolutely.
Oh okay, (whisper) darkness.
- What, did you say darkness?
- Darkness can be beautiful.
It doesn't-
It doesn't matter how
short-lived the love is,
it's what you do with the
love that you do have-
- What do you mean "short-lived,"
we've only been on one
date. Does that mean-
- And if you two burn
together in a fiery explosion-
- What?
- What matters...
Don't panic, girl.
(Izzy snorts)
You take the moments that you do have.
Let's move on from love, anything else?
Money, money.
- Yeah, yeah.
I just invested in a lot of crypto.
(Sam laughing amusingly)
Did you just throw up in your mouth?
- And cut.
Well done.
Yes, points for the two of you.
That brings us back to Allie and Izzy.
"The guy from 'Operation'
trying to hook up with someone."
- I'm so excited we're
finally gonna do this, Mark.
- (Allie chuckles) Me too.
(Sam laughing anticipatorily)
(Allie buzzing loudly)
- We don't have to do this.
- No, no, please,
I haven't been touched by
someone in a really long time.
- Okay.
- You just gotta be a little gentle.
- Is here okay?
- Oh yeah.
Just not right there!
Sorry, I have a wrench in my rib.
(Sam laughing)
It's a long story, we
don't need to go into it.
- Okay.
- There's a lot of malpractice involved.
- Can you do this?
- Yes, my penis isn't broken!
- So, only touch your penis?
- You could also touch
my left index finger.
- (laughing) I'll cut you off there.
Apart from anything else,
I like the amount of direction
that you were giving,
you know?
People need to tell their
partner what they want.
- Yes.
- Touch my penis and my left index finger.
Different strokes for different folks.
Izzy and Erin.
"Evil lunch ladies hint at
what's in the sloppy joes."
(Izzy laughing sneakily)
- No, take it.
- Take it all.
- It's good for you.
- Yeah, it'll like make you
grow like strong bones and shit.
- Yeah 'cause there's not-
- Rats in it-
- There's not a bunch of rats in it.
- No.
I didn't have a mole removed
and put it into the sloppy joe.
- No,
she didn't have such a stinky
horrible mole on her foot
that a bunch of rats found it,
and then we had to kill all the rats.
We wouldn't do that!
- We would never do that-
- To children!
- There is not a sack of dirty clothes
that sat in the back of my convertible
when the top was down,
it rained a lot, it got moldy and wet.
I didn't cut it up into a bunch of pieces
and mix it into this sloppy joe.
I would never do that, right?
- (Silent) Right.
Right?
Like, I would never crawl through pipes
to get backed-up feces from
old apartment buildings
and put it in your sloppy joes,
like I would never do that.
Like I would never go to
a graveyard, you know,
and dig up bodies, and cut them up,
and like put them in your...
Like, I would never-
- Ever, ever.
- I think I'm gonna cut you off
before Izzy has an aneurysm.
That recipe will be up on the show's blog,
if anyone's curious.
Last prompt of round two, Erin and Allie.
The "'Downton Abbey' sisters
debate who shat in the hallway."
(Allie laughing loudly)
- It looks like there's a
bit of feces in the hallway.
- How astute of you, Mary,
always finding the shit in the hallway.
But wasn't that old saying, whoever-
- [Erin] Smelt it, dealt it?
- [Allie] Saw it, did it?
- I would be absolutely out of my wits
to take a shit in the hallway, alright?
Look, I'm not trying to call you out here
in front of the children.
- Oh that's right,
the children are all
watching us right now.
- We both know who's been
shitting in the hallway,
and it's not me.
- Look Mary, you're the
oldest, you're the favorite,
you're going to inherit
"Downton Abbey" someday!
But, that doesn't mean that
I have to take your shit!
I may be the second born
sister, I may be the ugly one,
but I will not take your shit
figuratively or literally
any longer!
So there!
- No!
(Erin screaming angrily)
- Are you watching, children?
(Erin and Allie screaming chaotically)
- And I'll cut you off there
before an accidental Heimlich maneuver.
It feels pretty clear to me in retrospect
that it's one of the children
who shat in the hallway.
(contestants laughing amusingly)
(playful bright music returns)
That brings us to round three of our game,
where our players will all hold hands
and jump into the abyss together.
Allie, Izzy, Erin.
"A CPR video
in which they keep accusing
the viewer of being a pervert."
- Hey, you sick fuck.
(Sam guffaws)
You're gonna start off by
pressing your hands on her tits.
- Wow.
- Yeah, that's fucking disgusting
that you're not even gonna ask her
because she's unconscious.
- The gall.
- We're with the Red Cross, okay?
We're here to help people,
we're not here to help you
get off on some nipple play
on an unconscious person!
- Yeah.
- And don't even think we didn't notice
you put your mouth on her mouth!
- I bet you fucking love that,
putting your mouth on things
and just blowing and just blowing.
While you're getting off,
they're getting dead.
- I'll cut you off there.
Sometimes the execution of a prompt
is everything that you
thought it would be,
and that's great. (Sam laughing happily)
Allie, Izzy, and Erin.
"Izzy, Allie, and Erin,
argue about who would
actually win on 'Survivor.'"
- Erin, all the way.
- What?
- Genuinely believe that Erin would win.
You're a shark, Allie.
- No, but I can play the
part of an angel, I can!
(Sam giggling amusingly)
- Allie, you would make it far
because you are like the Midwest darling.
- Crazy. Oh.
(Allie and Sam laughing)
- But here's the thing,
I think your social game
would be like really good in your head.
- Okay so you think I'm
good with people in my head,
but in reality I'm bad with people?
- I just think people
would catch onto your game.
Izzy, I think you would say
something absolutely insane.
- I've said this before!
I can't do "Survivor," I would
take one step on the beach
and die of a yeast infection.
(Sam laughs and claps)
Don't make me say it again!
I'd have to be MedEvac'd out
because I have such an intense UTI!
- Allie, Allie, Allie!
- You could could be like the
Sandra of the season though.
- I wanna believe I could be a Sandra!
We all know I'm not a Sandra!
I have a very low constitution score,
I can withstand nothing!
- I will cut you off
there, the three of you.
I just wanted to see what that
looked like when it happens,
and boy, oh boy.
We have one more prompt to go.
- Wow.
- Oh my gosh.
- Okay, how close is it?
- Let me check.
(buttons clicking loudly)
It's neck and neck.
"Construction workers catcall passersby
with their deep-down emotional needs."
- Yo, why'd my dad have to die?
(Sam and Izzy laughing)
- Hey, hey, toots!
Why don't you come over to my place
and sit next to me on the
couch so I feel less alone?
- Oh!
- Oh, that's right.
- Hey cutie,
yeah you, in the pink skirt!
You look beautiful!
We don't even need to touch our kiss,
we'll just talk about
our hopes and dreams,
and, y'know, all the things
we wanna do before we die!
Hot stuff!
- Aw, mama!
- Hey mamma mia-
- Wanna go to a show with me?
- Wanna go see "Mamma
Mia" with the three of us?
- You every watch a man die?
- Okay, I'll cut you off there.
Oh my God.
What men will do instead of therapy.
(Allie giggling amusingly)
That brings us to the end of our game.
Our winner this evening, none
other than Allie Jennings.
(Allie cheering happily)
Allie, I crown you with
the coveted Golden Ear.
- Sounds good to me!
- Oh, that's actually my tagline.
- Oh.
- That does it for us
here on "Make Some Noise."
Tune in next time for
more of the game samer.
I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.
Goodnight.
(gentle uplifting closing music)
(audience applauding happily)