Major Crimes (2012–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Ecstasy and the Agony - full transcript

[ Bell dings ]

[ Wind whooshes ]

♪

[ radio chatter ]

[ Radio beeps ]

[ Radio chatter ]

[ Telephone rings in distance ]

Hey, Buzz.

"Hey, Buzz"? That's it?

Did you get a haircut? Looks great.

[ "The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing ]



Man: Ah! [ Laughs ]

[ Applause, laughter ]

I can't believe you guys. Oh, my god.

Thanks, Detective. Thank you.

Thanks. You're so sweet.

Oh, my gosh. Thanks. Thank you. Wow.

This... this is fantastic. Thank you, all.

So, Buzz, how does it feel?

I'm a little nervous, but I
hope I'm prepared for the night.

Reserve Officer Watson.
Mike, take a picture.

Mm. Oh!

Selfie time. [ Chuckles ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ] Man: Yeah.

- Okay.
- It was thoughtful of you



to take Buzz on his first ride-along.

Yeah, well, hopefully I'm not so tired

that I fall asleep during the fireworks

at tomorrow night's game.

Well, you'll probably be kept awake

by everyone thanking you
for the dugout seats.

No, not me. It was Nicole.

- You know, I'm so proud of my daughter.
- Mm-hmm.

And this was a nice gesture
on the part of her boss.

Well, she earned it.

Don't tease Buzz too much tonight.

- Please.
- I wouldn't dream of it.

Okay, future Chief of Police,
Officer Buzz Watson,

it is time for our tour of duty.

[ Applause ]

All right, I'm sorry I'm
late. These damn shoes!

What the...

You... you're not taking your
first ride-along with him?

You acted like you didn't wanna go.

Well, of course I don't want to.

Did I say I wouldn't?

[ Radio chatter ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

You want to explain to me how
Reserve Officer Buzz Watson

gets the Batmobile

while we still drive a car from the '90s?

It's not for me, Lieutenant.

The entire L.A.P.D. is
moving toward this vehicle.

[ Thud ] Aah!

Do you want some help, sir?

Did I ask for your help?

[ Clears throat ] All right.

Here we go. [ Pushes button, siren wailing ]

Automated male voice:
This is an illegal assembly.

You must disperse.

You want me to drive, sir?!

[ Siren continues wailing, whoops ]

Man over radio: 27, I've got both the victim

and the suspect here.

[ Chatter continues indistinctly ]

[ Laptop beeping ] What now?

- W-what's that sound?
- Incoming call.

Use the integrated tactile
sensor to acknowledge it.

The tic-tac-toe-what? [ Beeping continues ]

- W-where? This?
- Automated male voice: Caution. Warning.

Automated female voice: System overload.

Male voice: [ Distorted ] Warning. Warning.

[ Engine sputters, horns honking ]

[ Honking continues ]

[ Horn blares ]

You know, Buzz,

at the end of this ride-along,

I rate you based almost entirely on my mood.

Woman over radio: 7851, a family dispute.

Domestic disturbance.
The Morris Grand Hotel.

[ Laughs ] You hear that, Provenza?

- Morris Grand.
- Two blocks from Feinman's Deli.

You know, Buzz, the most important decision

you have to make on patrol?
Where to eat dinner.

Morris Grand Hotel, here we come.

[ Radio chatter ]

Hey.

Hey, that van is in our
space. Get it out of here.

Sorry, I can't. The driver
took off with the keys.

[ Car door closes ] Uh, Lieutenant...

When addressing the public,

L.A.P.D. policy requires us
to be considerate, polite...

Thrifty, loyal, brave. Yeah, we know.

Listen, Mr. Boy Scout, you
are here to learn from us,

not vice versa.

You know, just because you know how to drive

some tricked-out Explorer
does not make you a cop.

[ Chuckles ] This way.

Man: One time, wouldn't it be great

- to wake up without having you all over...
- Buzz, what are you doing?

Reviewing guidelines for
defusing spousal confrontations.

- [ Man and woman arguing ]
- We're supposed to use deflection,

redirection, and empathy.

Job one... calm everybody down.

[ Man and woman continue arguing ]

- L.A.P.D.! Open up!
- Woman: Are you paying attention?!

Oh, ho. Fantastic.

Would you look at this? It's the cops.

[ Door bangs ] Thank you, Janet!

- Oh, like it's my fault they're here?!
- Buzz: Excuse me.

- You have been screaming at me...
- No, it's my fault!

- For the last two hours!
- It's my fault. It's always my fault!

Excuse me! We have received a
complaint about your argument.

I am Officer Watson of the L.A.P.D.

And I need you to please
step away from each other.

[ Under breath ] Oh, for God's sakes.

Take a deep breath... [ Exhales deeply ]

And give me your names.

Hi there, Officer Watson. I'm Stu Sloan.

- And this psychotic, narcissistic...
- Psychotic? I'm psychotic?

Bitch is my wife Janet.

I've been trying to get you in
therapy for 10 years, but no!

- Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Sloan!
- See? This is her every day.

If we could please just go back
to the beginning of the argument.

You mean when she first flew
up here on her broomstick?

- That's a long time ago.
- My broomstick. Oh, that's rich,

you petty, ignorant,
money-grubbing son of a...

- All right, that is enough!
- Oh, money... one time...

In 40 years, I've never dealt

with such a pair of ugly, spoiled brats.

Uh... E-excuse me?

Do either of you give a rat's ass

about the other guests in this crappy hotel?

"Crappy hotel"? You wanna know how much

a room costs in this "crappy hotel"?

400 bucks is the cheapest you can get...

Okay! All right! Crappy hotel!

- Now, did he hit you, lady?
- What?

Did either one of you
lowlifes smack each other?

- What? Lowlifes?
- Did he just call us lowlifes?

We are not lowlifes. And
no, we never hit each other.

What do you think we are? Savages?

Then shut the hell up and
stay away from each other.

[ Gasps ] Or we're hauling
you off to jail. You got it?

Hey, hey, hey. You can't
talk to us like that.

- You don't just come walking in here...
- He said shut up!

Now, if I hear another word
from either one of you,

you're both under arrest. [ Gasps ]

You can be just as hateful
to each other in a whisper.

We're gonna stand outside
in the hallway for a while

and see how you do.

[ Huffs ]

Jerks.

[ Gasps ] Oh!

The L.A.P.D. hopes you can
settle your differences.

If you want any advice on
domestic conflict resolution,

please g...

Officer Watson!

Excuse me.

Look at this. You put a
badge on these jackasses,

- and this is what they turn into.
- We are gonna get a damn lawsuit against them.

They don't have any right
to come here and talk to me

- like that!
- See, Buzz,

one of the things that
Flynn and I have learned

from our combined 70 years on the job is,

get them to focus on hating you

so that they will forget about
how much they hate each other.

But we're supposed to
ask how the fight started.

Trust me, Buzz.

That argument began with the
words "I do." [ Chuckles ]

I mean, all fights
between husbands and wives

begin with a few basic phrases,

like "you don't listen." "You're too cheap."

- "You can't drive." "Your mother hates me."
- [ Woman gasps ]

"Where do you think you're
going dressed like that?"

"How could you forget my birthday?"

- "Would it kill you to ask for directions?"
- Se琚縭a? Se琚縭a?

"Would it kill you not to
sleep with the babysitter?"

She's fainted. I better call an ambulance.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. No, Buzz.

Remember, the first rule of policing...

Avoid paperwork.

[ Groaning ] Look. Look, she's coming to.

[ Gasps ]

[ Speaking Spanish ] Cuando note que

la Puerta del ba estaba abierta. [ Speaks Spanish ]

She says she was doing the turndown service

when she saw that the bathroom
door was open. q??

Mire un poco mcerca

y estaba El cuerpo de
un hombre en la baa!

Oh, my gosh. There's a body in the tub.

Why do people have to die
on a holiday weekend? Why?

Oh, no. He's dead.

[ Chuckles ] Well, that he is.

Huh, looky here. All these
little bottles of booze.

[ Groans ] You're lucky, Buzz.

When you compare notes

with the other reserve officers tomorrow,

you'll definitely have the best story.

Suicide note?

More like the world's worst greeting card.

"A love like ours must have been fated,

even when it's so belated."

Pour a bath 'cause I'm frustrated.

Gonna drown myself, uh...

while I'm sedated.

[ Both laugh ] Where's Buzz?

And we found the body under
suspicious circumstances, sir.

What suspicious circumstances?
Who's he talking to?

Buzz, are you on with your watch commander?

Buzz, Buzz, don't say
"suspicious circumstances."

Because if you say
suspicious circumstances...

Look what I found on the dresser.

Yes, sir. Will do.

First, the hair dryer in the
bathroom was extremely wet.

Well, maybe he electrocuted himself.

Then returned it to its place on the counter

and got back in the tub?

Plus, the name on the card
you're holding? It's Sloan!

Same name as the couple
arguing down the hall.

You've said a thousand times
there are no coincidences.

Listen to me, Barney Fife.

You know when there are coincidences?

On the 4th of July weekend

when we're scheduled to go to
the Dodger game tomorrow night.

That's when!

Now if you don't call your
Watch Commander back,

do you know who's coming down here?

Do you?

Doesn't read like a suicide note.

At least, not a good one.

I found this cell in his pants,

but the screen's locked and
it's password-protected.

Provenza: Yeah, we'll
figure out the phone later.

Captain, look, I-I'm sorry
you had to get involved

in Buzz's little overreaction here,

- but this should not...
- It was not an overreaction.

My response was based on
observations of the crime scene.

And when the Watch
Commander heard that I was

with two lieutenants from Major Crimes...

He handed over the investigation
to us, which was the right call.

What's the victim's name?

Danny Egan. I ran a background check.

Only 25, and already he's racked up

a pile of D.U.I.s and court-ordered rehabs.

Now he's got one suicide attempt

and one involuntary psych commitment.

Yeah. You see, Buzz?

This guy had been circling
the drain for a while,

probably mixing booze and pills.

Look what I found. A busted ukulele.

Actually, in Hawaiian, it's
pronounced "ook-a-le-le."

And they're members of the lute family...

Thank you, Don Ho.

Look, this guy was trying
to write a love song,

obviously failed, and
decided to call it quits.

Captain, the hotel manager said
this room is part of a block

reserved for a wedding by a
Mr. and Mrs. Stuart Sloan.

Parents of the bride.

They were the couple that were
arguing when you first arrived.

What were they fighting about?

Well, I-I tried to ask, but...

Typical marital spat, captain.
Yammer, yammer, yammer.

Captain, I found three
empty packets of Epsom salt.

I shudder to ask, but how is that relevant?

Tao: Buzz, get the lights. [ Switch clicks ]

You see, Epsom is magnesium sulfate,

shows up under the ultraviolet.

See, it splashed up on the curtains,

on the walls,

suggesting there had been a struggle.

Buzz, you were right about the hair dryer.

It was soaked in Epsom salt,

indicating that it might've
been in the bathtub.

[ Switch clicks ]

Then someone put it back on the counter.

Was it not the cause of death?

It was probably meant to be,
but it didn't get the job done.

See these curtain rings?

How they're bent, like they
were pulled on by the victim

during the struggle?

Add the empty liquor bottles
wiped clean of prints.

In my opinion, this death
scene? Definitely staged.

When is the wedding ceremony
scheduled to take place?

- Tomorrow afternoon, ma'am.
- For the moment, we treat this as an accident.

We don't want wedding
guests checking out early.

And hopefully we will clear this all up

before our Dodger game.

Way to go, Reserve Officer Watson.

Oh, yeah.

Way... to...

[ Gloves snap ]

Go.

[ Sighs ]

Sharon: Oh, but, no, no.

There has to be somebody
at the phone company

who could process our request. [ Beep ]

No, not getting the passcode

to the victim's cell phone till Monday

means that we could lose
the entire holiday weekend.

[ Taps key ]

Oh. Oh, I have to think about this.

I'll call you back.

Uh, Sharon, speaking of passcodes,

I know you're not supposed to know too much

about my Alice story,

but suppose I got my hands
on her cell phone number.

Would her messages still be there?

Uh, hypothetically,

if her phone is what we
call a burner or a prepaid,

and there was still time left on it,

then yes, you could access her messages.

Yeah, but wouldn't I need her passcode?

That's harder, yes.

Of course, if you had the actual phone

and it opens with a thumbprint,

the body's still at the morgue...

Oh, my God.

No, Slider destroyed her phone.

When you say that it's
harder, what... how...

Uh, Detective Sanchez and Lieutenant Tao

usually handle all of our phone dumps.

Ask them. I'm trying to
get us to this Dodger game.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Gonna have fireworks and Dodger dogs.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

Buzz, Buzz, meet me at the morgue.

[ Door opens ] [ Dialing ]

[ Door closes ]

[ Line rings ] Hi, this is Alice.

Leave your name and number
and I'll give you a call back.

[ Beep ] Automated female voice:
This mailbox is full

and not accepting new messages.

There was no alcohol in his bloodstream,

but there was a lot of it pooled
at the back of his throat.

Someone poured liquor in his mouth

- after he stopped breathing?
- Weird, right?

As for his stomach contents,
I was able to remove

almost a quart of what looks
like some kind of energy drink.

We'll know more when we
get back the tox screen.

But he was caffeinated to the gills.
[ Clicks pen ]

Could caffeine have been
a factor in his death?

No. [ Sighs ] But it would mean your victim

was wide awake when he was forcibly drowned,

which would explain the foam
and bathwater in his lungs.

Plus, the blister on his leg

was probably caused by the
shock from the hair dryer.

- Not enough to kill him...
- But I guess it got his attention.

[ Door opens ] I have the
victim's phone, Captain.

Thank you, Buzz.
Lieutenant Tao, Dr. Morales,

since we've been having such
trouble with his passcode,

I thought we might try

unlocking Mr. Egan's cell with his thumb.

Unfortunately, captain,

the sensor works by reading
both the fingerprint

and the slight electrical charge

that flows through the
skin of a living person.

Yes, but what if we
placed the victim's thumb

on the sensor and run
electricity through him?

- With the defibrillator.
- Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want me to shock the corpse?

Yes.

Why not? He's not getting any deader.

Okay, but nobody tweet about this.

[ Defibrillator whines ]

Clear!

[ Beep ]

[ Paddles thunk ]

Holy crap! It worked!

Shortly before he died,
while he was in the bath,

the victim's phone picked
up several messages.

First from the groom. [ Beep ]

Man: What the hell kind of
bullshit stunt was that, Danny?

Why'd you even show up?

- Just get lost.
- Four minutes later,

- Dana Sloan, sister of the bride, rang.
- [ Beep ]

Danny, oh, my god.

I swear, you've ruined everything.

Call me. Actually, don't.

And we've got about a half a dozen messages

from, uh, Lisa Sloan, the bride.

But, uh, weren't very helpful. [ Beep ]

[ Shouting indistinctly ]
Too late... forever!

[ Taps keys, beep ] [ Sobbing ]

[ Beep ] What am I supposed to do?!

- [ Taps keys, beep ]
- [Sobbing ] it's too late!

Oh, my God. Do we have to
talk to all these people?

Yes, we do.

But let's stay away from the word "murder."

As far as the wedding party is concerned,

Danny Egan's death is a tragedy.

We are conducting "an inquest."

Look, maybe Nicole should give
away our Dodger tickets to...

No, not yet. Hold on. Let's... let's see.

What? It's not my fault there was a murder.

Ah, you... [ mutters ]

I am still in a state of shock.

I mean, he was so alive
last night, and now this?

[ Whispers ] Do you really think
he committed suicide?

Unless you have a better explanation.

What can you tell me about his personality?

Well...

The guy was a selfish jerk.

And suicide is the ultimate selfish act.

I'll tell you, it doesn't surprise me.

Hobbs: Father, mother, groom, and sister.

Where's the bride?

She's in the middle of a
2-hour Brazilian blowout.

We'll catch up with her later.

How well did you know Danny Egan?

We were close in college.

But Lisa and Danny never dated,
if that's what you're asking.

What was your reaction when
you learned of Danny's death?

I'm not happy about what happened.

I had feelings for Danny.

They were mostly negative
feelings, really...

[ Chuckles ] But they were deeply held.

- She sounds honest.
- After the bachelorette party,

Danny invited me to his room
for what I thought was a date.

Or at least sex.

All he wanted was to talk about
how Lisa shouldn't marry Brad.

[ Laughs ] I was just, you know... aah!

I think someone's off her meds.

And how did Lisa react to the news?

Janet: She feels responsible.

My daughter is so like me.

A caretaker, living for others.

How about her fiancé? Brad?

Our first two years in college,
it was fun and games.

But the rest of us grew up.

[ Scoffs ] And Danny, he never did.

Then why invite him to the wedding?

My daughter wanted all of her friends there.

She asked the whole world.

Each one of them is costing
me a frickin' fortune.

- Uh-huh.
- You could live a whole year

on what I'm spending on ice sculptures.

To my husband, this is not a wedding.

It's a corporate merger.

Brad's father owns this huge cement company.

Stuart's a builder.

Now these two successful
companies will combine like...

"The triumphant joining of disparate souls,

no longer divided, like
the Russians and Poles."

Danny was both romantic
and fiercely political.

It's another one of his horrible songs,

like the one he wrote and
sang at the rehearsal.

Oh. Did anyone record that?

The wedding videographer?

[ Off-key ] ♪ Just please,
please promise me? ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Dark and deep in your heart ♪

[ strumming ukulele ]

♪ You'll keep a tiny place for me ♪

♪ That no one new can reach ♪

♪ Just promise me somewhere ♪

♪ Dark and deep in your heart ♪

♪ There'll be a tiny place for me ♪

♪ That no one new can reach ♪

♪

♪ Promise me ♪

♪

♪ Promise me now ♪

♪ Promise me ♪

[ strumming out of tune ]

♪ Promise me now ♪

♪ Promise me ♪

[ smacking ] [ Stammers ]

Woman: Oh!

[ Sobbing ]

Turn that video off!

Provenza: Well... [ Button clicks ]

We wanted fireworks.

Which the bride has supplied.

And she has a connection to hair dryers.

Let's call an end to the Brazilian blowout

and let's get search warrants for the hotel.

This is gonna take forever.

Well, you know what won't take forever?

Is rating Reserve Officer Watson
on his ride-along, that's what.

Let's just get this over with, please.

Buzz, bring your camera.
Sykes, with us, with us!

[ Sighs ] I'm glad you spoke up.

We won't enjoy the ball game
if a murderer gets to walk.

Thank you, Captain.

Of course, it would be nice to go.

Right.

Right. Right.

Oh! Thank god you're here.

My daughter, she won't open the door.

We were told not to
interrupt her, but I just...

Okay, out of the way. Okay, let's...

Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Hold it! Hold it!

Do I have any idea what
they're gonna charge me

to repair this door? I am
running out of money. Here.

Ohh. Now you'll open the door.

[ Sighs ]

[ Lock clicks ]

Well, folks,

looks like we're dealing
with a runaway bride.

[ Telephone rings in distance ]

Hey. Uh, what are you guys doing?

Hunting down a killer
bride so Buzz won't get

the worst possible rating
on his first tour of duty,

and we can all still go to the Dodger game.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for some technical advice.

Oh? On what?

Breaking into the voicemail
on someone's cell phone.

Why do you need to do that?
It's a dead person's cell number,

and Sharon said I could ask you guys

about how to get the
passcode for her messages.

Well, most voicemail
passcodes use four digits,

meaning you only have about
10,000 possible combinations.

So if you start right now,

you could probably crack it in six months.

Six months?

And that's mainly because
most message systems

will lock you out after three wrong tries,

and then you gotta wait
to give it another go.

But 20% of people use the same numbers...

1-2-3-4,

1-1-1-1, 0-0-0-0.

Of course, if you know something

about the person whose voicemail
you're trying to access...

Like what?

Names can translate to numbers.
People reuse passwords.

You find one, you could find them all.

[ Telephone rings ]

Major Crimes. Captain Raydor.

- She is not a criminal!
- Stuart!

- She just got cold...
- Stuart!

- She's coming back.
- Just let them do their job.

- I'm pretty sure she's gone, sir.
- Sorry, Captain, let me move away

from the argument against marriage.

Uh, Lieutenant Provenza
wants me to tell you that

our bride isn't in the hotel,

but was apparently already
in her wedding dress.

Well, then she shouldn't be hard to find.

Do you wanna wait and see if
she stepped out for a walk?

No. I'll put a want out on Lisa Sloan

and start dragging her credit cards.

- What else do you need?
- Tranquilizer darts, maybe?

For the suspects or Lieutenant Provenza?

Ha! Don't answer that.

Mike and Julio will do

a block-to-block search for the bride.

Meanwhile, continue serving
the search warrants,

see what you can find at the hotel.

- Will do, captain.
- Stuart: I would get down on my knees...

Janet: If you would just
let them do their job...

If you would stop and let
us worry about our daughter,

who happens to be missing!

Quiet!

Focus. Concentrate.

Please.

Where could your daughter have gone?

W-what do you think? We're
happy our daughter is missing?

Especially knowing that we
have guests coming here

in three hours.

I'm calling her on her cell phone.

No, no, Mrs. Sloan, that is not a good i...

[ Cell phone rings ]

[ Ring ]

I think it's coming from the minibar.

[ Ringing continues ]

[ Gasps and screams ] Oh, my god!

Every bottle is gone! That's
at least another $200!

[ Ringing continues ]

The passcode is 1-2-3-4.

Dana: I know you stole them!
Oh, my god! So give them back!

Or else I'm gonna report you to El polic闉?

- Who are right aqu?
- No s? De lo que est? Hablando!

Okay, okay, what's going on?

- This housekeeper stole my prescriptions.
- No...

They were in my hotel room
yesterday, and now they're gone.

Yo nunca me he robado nada en mi vida...

[ Continues in Spanish ]

She says she's never stolen anything,

and if she wanted to
clean up after murderers,

she'd move back to Honduras.

Okay, Dana... Hey, Dana.

What medications are you missing?

Uh, well, let's see.

Uh, Valium, Ativan, Neurontin,

Valium, Zyprexa, uh... Seroquel, and Valium.

And I need them. I need them.

Okay. Was there anybody else
in your room since yesterday?

Just me. That is how I know
that the housekeeper took them.

Mm-hmm. What about your sister Lisa?

And my sister Lisa. She was in my room, too.

You think she took my pills?

No, she usually asks.

You know, Lieutenant, if the murderer tried

to sedate Mr. Egan by dumping Valium

into his energy drink and
found a way into his room,

it might've been surprising
to find him still awake

and lying in the bathtub.

That would explain the hair dryer

and the struggle afterwards...

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Sherlock Holmes.

As you will recall, I was
the first person to point out

that our victim probably had been drugged.

I'll call Morales, have
him focus his tox panel

on variants of Valium.

We should also look through the hotel trash,

see if we can find this
girl's prescription bottles.

If we could print them,

we might be able to still make the game.

It doesn't start till 7:00.

Yeah, and if you could ask
the Captain out on your own,

without dragging everyone else with you...

Dragging? It's baseball.
Who gets dragged to baseball?

Uh, Lieutenant. The last call the bride made

before she dumped her phone was, uh...

To me. All she wanted to say, really,

was just that we weren't getting married

and that I should forget
about her and move on.

Oh, no, no! Not today!

She didn't mean forget about
her today. She would ne...

I don't know, sir.

Once she broke Danny's
funny little guitar...

- Actually, it's a ook-a-le-le.
- Ukulele?

- No, no. Ook...
- Uke?

- Ook...
- Uk?

- Watch my lips. Ook...
- Ook...

Oh, my God! Someone died here!

The bride broke Danny's whatever. And then?

Then she ran out of the rehearsal crying,

and the whole wedding began to look iffy.

Janet: Stu, where the hell are you?!

[ Whispers ] Oh, God. This
is like a "twilight zone."

A way over budget "twilight
zone." I'm coming!

If anything happens to Lisa...

- Like what?
- I don't know.

If she runs off with Dana's drug stash...

There was enough Valium
there to stop an elephant.

Mr. Pearson, do you have a black eye?

Oh, uh... maybe.

Uh... [ sniffs ] God, is it that obvious?

Only if you're looking directly at us

while you wipe the makeup off your face.

I think you oughta have a seat.

Okay.

So, Mr. Pearson, who hit you in the face?

I prefer to take the Fifth on that.

Someone told me I have the
right to remain silent.

If you're a murder suspect.

Are you a murder suspect?

Did you get into a fight with Danny Egan?

We're a little on the edge of Miranda here.

Should we find you an attorney
and call off this wedding?

No, it wasn't Danny.

You can't answer that unless
you revoke your rights.

Thank you, Captain.

Okay, then I don't plead the Fifth.

It wasn't Danny who hit me.

It was Lisa.

But that is not like her.
She almost never hits me.

- Your fiancée has hit you before?
- Not in the head.

And she's just been so nutty
about getting into her dress.

The past three days, she
hasn't had anything to eat

but breath mints.

[ Knock on door ]

Ma'am.

[ Door closes ]

Uh, we found the bride. Where was she?

- Feinman's Deli. Two blocks from the hotel.
- [ Whispers ] Okay.

We had to make some serious concessions

to get her to come in for the interview.

Such as?

[ Chewing ]

Mmm.

So she has a history of violence

and maybe some issues
related to hypoglycemic rage,

but all we really know for sure

is she attempted to flee her own wedding,

which is hardly a criminal offense.

Can you believe I was married five times?

And the thought of running
away never occurred to me once.

What about your wives, sir?

According to her sister,

the bride had access to the drugs,

which made the victim easier to drown.

You have enough to hold her.

But to arrest her for murder? Not so much.

Sharon: I don't know yet
if she murdered Danny Egan,

but she is definitely killing that sandwich.

Well, I have definitely never
seen anything like this before.

I have, on the Discovery Channel once.

They showed a python
swallowing a baby wildebeest.

Of course, the sandwich isn't screaming.

Thank goodness.

Okay, let's see if our bride
can talk with her mouth full.

Automated female voice:
Passcode not recognized.

For security reasons,
this voice-mail is locked.

Please try again later.

[ Laptop beeps ]

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_

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[ Sipping loudly ]

Provenza: So, what are the odds

that she'll stop chewing long enough

to cop to murder and let us make the game?

I know what you think. I'm
responsible for Danny's death.

[ Sighs ]

[ Voice breaks ] I killed him. I did.

And I will never forgive myself for it.

You know what? I'm gonna call Robby Oderno,

see if he can file for us.

That way, we can make it to the stadium

in time for the national anthem.
[ Chuckles ]

So how'd you get Danny to take the drugs?

It was more like, how did you
get Danny to stop taking drugs?

He loved being high.

[ Crunch ]

Um... onion ring, anyone? Anyone?

- No.
- No.

[ Crunch ]

So you handed Danny your sister's drugs?

No! He must've had his own drugs with him.

Obviously, he planned to kill himself

if I didn't run off with
him, which I didn't, so...

- You drowned him in the bathtub.
- What?! Drowning him in...

Okay, look. Is it not clear what happened?

Danny went to rehab, cleaned up his act

so he could swoop in and
rescue me on my wedding day.

And when I refused to go with
him, Danny killed himself.

It was stupid, but that's romance.

Flynn: Robby, listen.

Yeah, are you still tight
with Children Services?

'Cause I may have some extra Dodger tickets

for some lucky foster kids.

- I'll get back to you.
- Tao: Ms. Sloan,

Danny Egan was forcibly
drowned in the bathtub.

It was not suicide. It was murder.

So if you didn't kill him,
why were you running away?

Because I was frickin' starving.

Oh, my god. Murdered?

I had no idea Brad would be that jealous.

You think your fiancé killed Danny?

Last night, right after her told me

that I couldn't run away with Danny,

I punched Brad in the face,

and he didn't even try to hit me back.

He just stood there, crying like a baby.

I never thought he would
take it out on Danny.

Brad's so sensible.

Okay, here's an idea.

Since we still have the groom present,

why don't we reunite this happy couple?

Do we still have our privacy sign somewhere?

Oh, the privacy sign.

Just a little bit of advice, Brad.

You can still save this wedding,

but it's gonna take complete honesty,

because if you begin the
marriage any other way,

it's not gonna last.

Oh, to hell with that! Brad,
you say whatever it takes.

We have less than two hours here.

Look, let me go in there with him...

Hey, hey! We're gonna give them a little...

So shut the hell up.

[ Radio chatter ]

Uh, Mike, Julio?

Would you mind giving the bride and groom

some time to talk entirely on their own

with, uh, no one listening in?

Just to discuss what their future could be.

Oh. Privacy.

Uh, Lisa, you want me to clear some of this?

Uh, no. I may pick a little.

Good luck. Hope you guys work it
out before the wedding starts.

Wow.

It's, uh, been a...

rough 24 hours, huh?

Gee, you think?

Can't we just be our old,
regular selves for a minute?

Please.

I know that when your blood sugar dips,

you get a little emotional.

And I was sore from all the waxing.

Well, tell me about it. My back is on fire.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

When I asked you to be my wife,

it meant that we shouldn't have
any secrets from each other.

- [ Chuckles ] What?
- Hey. I agree with him.

- Oh, my God.
- That's part of what it means to be married.

Before we call off wedding,

why don't we try being completely truthful

and see if that makes a difference?

[ Breathes shakily ]

Okay, look...

I'm sorry about this, but when
we were going out together

our last year in college,

I slept with Danny.

That's it?

So what? I did, too.

What? You slept with Danny?

Look, today isn't about the past

or some experimental phase
that we went through in college

once or twice or six times.

Today is about our future,
about looking ahead,

about building a home for ourselves

while constructing whole
neighborhoods for other people.

Oh, God. In all of this wedding craziness,

I keep forgetting about just
how great our brand can be.

- But you never do.
- Honestly, Lisa,

dead Danny can't stop us
from fulfilling our destiny.

Only we can do that.

Boy, oh, boy. These two
were made for each other.

[ Sighs ] It's funny. You're
basically saying

the same things my father said last night,

only better.

Wait. What did your father
say to you? I'm mad already.

You know I wasn't myself,
and I called him to explain

why I had to leave you
and run off with Danny.

You really slept with him?

Don't obsess. Stay focused.

You told your father that
you were leaving, and...

And he burst into the room,
without even knocking,

yelling that I was about to destroy

the biggest merger since Exxon Mobil.

Well, that is not just a terrible analogy.

It's also a gross exaggeration.

And a truly awful way to treat
the only child in the world

that he can really count on.

The Sloans are staying in a hotel, right?

Yeah. So?

Well, how could anybody burst
into her room without knocking?

Somehow or other, Brad,
no matter how upset I get

or how many times I fall apart,

you always seem to know
exactly what I need to hear.

[ Sniffles ]

Could you let them go, please,

now that they're in the right frame of mind?

And... and look, let's
not get so bogged down

over these room keys.

I-I paid a billion dollars for a
block of rooms at that hotel.

They were all in my name.
[ Keycards clatter ]

I got a key to each one.
It's standard. Standard!

So why you had to read us
our rights, I have no idea.

Mr. Sloan, you and your
family were mirandized

because we can prove that
Daniel Egan was murdered...

And your daughter is responsible.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daniel
Egan committed suicide.

Well, no, he didn't.

First of all, someone drugged him.

And when that didn't work,

a hair dryer was tossed into his bathtub.

And when that didn't work,

his head was pushed under the water,

and he was forcibly drowned.

Sounds thorough. Daddy,
Lisa, does have a temper.

Don't talk about your sister
that way! You love her!

Besides, Lisa does not have
enough strength to drown a guy.

That's what your daughter's
defense attorney will tell us.

And just to make sure that we've ruled
out all other suspects... Mr. Sloan.

We're gonna take a better
look at your wrist.

Sharon: And we're going to take
that better look in the dark.

Janet: [ Gasps ] Oh, my God. What...

W-what... what... what is that
glowing all over Stuart's watch?

Epsom salt. And it was
also on the hair dryer

we pulled from Danny Egan's bathtub.

I have it, Captain. I have it.

Sharon: Good job, Buzz.

You know, uh, the Sloans
might like that clip

added to their wedding video.

Oh! Uh, sorry to interrupt.
I just wanted to say

we found all of Dana's prescriptions

- in the hotel trash.
- Oh.

So, whose prints do you
think we're gonna find

on all those medicine bottles, Mr. Sloan,

other than your daughter's?

Or would you like to take
the next hour and a half

to check everything?

Hour and a half?! I have
guests coming any second now!

Oh, Stu.

Stuart: Okay, I'm a father
who worked his whole life

to give his daughter the
wedding of her dreams.

[ Clears throat ] I'm out more
than 400 grand already,

and, um, along the way,

I've had to make some tough calls.

And between dealing with
the caterer and the florist

and those photographers,
and that drug addict...

I admit, I might... might...

have made some mistakes.

As fathers do.

- Do we really have the medicine bottles?
- You have to ask?

But, and this is very important,

please don't punish these lovebirds

for something that I very...

very possibly did do myself...

And which I will fully reveal
after they're legally wed.

- Nope. Not good enough.
- Oh, come on! I told you almost everything!

Can't we talk again after the reception?

That all depends.

Did you enter Mr. Egan's hotel room

intending to murder him?

Of course not.

I slipped a load of Dana's drugs

into the gallon of Red Bull he was drinking.

When he passed out, I
was gonna get the bellman

to help me take the idiot
downstairs to our rental van

and drive him to our house.

I had given him enough Valium

to sleep through the damn honeymoon.

Uh, but you knew Danny was an addict.

His tolerance level for Valium
is probably as high as mine.

- And Red Bull has caffeine!
- To our house?

Which room were you putting
him in? Not in my new solarium.

Captain, there was a
van waiting at the valet

when we drove up on that
domestic disturbance call.

Okay, maybe there was no
intent before you let yourself

- into Danny's room.
- That's what I'm saying.

[ Stammers ] What happened
to Danny, that was...

Well, that was just me
running out of options.

When I showed up in the room,
not only was he not out cold,

but the jackass was still
singing that terrible song.

I have no memory of...
of picking up a hair dryer...

or throwing it in the tub,

or holding his head
underwater till he went...

Glub glub glub.

Okay. Now we've heard enough.

Andrea, what do you think?

If he agrees to eventually
write all that down,

Mr. Sloan may participate
in the marriage ceremony

and stay through the first
dance with his daughter,

provided the police escort him every moment

and he doesn't try to get away.

Mr. Sloan, do agree to
the very generous terms

offered to you in front of your family

by the State and witnessed by the L.A.P.D.?

I do.

Then by the power vested in
me by the State of California,

I will allow you to attend
your daughter's wedding,

and we will go with you.

More guests?! Oh, jeez.

Hey, don't expect the steak or lobster.

- It's chicken or nothing.
- Oh, no, no, no.

We also have some salmon

and a lovely vegetarian offering.

Dana: Do you think that
there's any Valium left?

Because I only need three.

Well, Officer Watson.

Your first 24 hours in the Reserve ranks

has been very interesting.

And productive.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Captain.

I hope everyone still feels that way

while we're missing the game.

Oh, we are not missing that game.

[ Door opens ]

Man on TV: And as the
sellout crowd takes the field

for the greatest fireworks
display on the West Coast,

let's relive one last time

that amazing walk-off grand slam.

I tell you, folks, if
there was only one night

to be in stadium this season,

maybe in this decade, maybe this century,

tonight was it.

A come-from-behind victory
in the bottom of the ninth

with two outs, full count,

and Adrian Gonzalez hits the ball deep,

clearing the bleachers.

Like the birth of America itself...

__

Why do you have your uniform with you, sir?

Oh, um, I, uh, texted Patrice
a picture of me in it,

and she said that when I come over tonight,

- maybe I should put it on.
- [ "The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing ]

Well, you know, before... [ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God. Do we have to hear this?!

It cannot be unheard.

Oh, we only have about a
minute to get up to the roof

before the fireworks start!

It's not gonna be like
being in the stadium, but...

Yeah, but we can see it from up there.

Tao: I never give up a chance
to watch things explode.

In fact, I can make a Roman candle

with an empty beer bottle, aluminum foil,

a household cleaner...

- Up. Up. Let's go up.
- Oh.

Let's go, you guys!

We'll get the next elevator. Y'all go ahead.

- Rusty?
- Yeah, I'll be right there.

Sharon: Come on, come on. Go, go, go, go.

Provenza: Buzz, can you get
me a glass of white wine?

I still taste those shrimp puffs
from the wedding reception.

Um, hey, Buzz?

"Paloma." That's a Spanish word, right?

Yeah, for "dove."

For "dove." Oh.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Lieutenant, may I ask
what rating you gave me

for my first day on the job?

93.

That'll be higher than any other
reserve officer in your class,

but still leaves room for improvement,

like knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

But we did end up solving a murder.

And that's great.

Look, I love my job.

- [ Fireworks whistling and exploding ]
- And you...

Why... why, I don't mind you at all.

What a compliment, Lieutenant.

I don't mind you at all, either.

In fact, some days, I even admire you.

As well you should.

But learning how to prioritize
our duties in law enforcement,

especially as they
conflict with the Dodgers.

Well, that takes time.

Tell you what,

I'll teach you when to speak
up as a reserve officer,

if you'll show me how to operate that great
new vehicle we were in the other night.

Oh, sir, I don't think that's a good...

Now you listen to me, Mario Andretti.

You wanna keep getting good
scores in the Reserves,

and I want that Explorer.

It's as simple as that.

Hey, Rusty, huh? Come on, fireworks!

Yeah, just a second, Lieutenant.

Hi, this is Alice...

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