Magnum, P.I. (1980–1988): Season 6, Episode 13 - Mad Dogs and Englishmen - full transcript
Robin Masters has fired Higgins and Magnum is awaiting the arrival of his replacement.
Welcome to Jonathan Quayle Higgins'
lnstitute for the Criminally Adolescent.
Hut! Two! Three!
Hut! Two! Three!
You're Thomas Magnum?
The one and only.
You're so young.
Come from a family of slow agers.
He's impersonating me! I don't care
whether he's Robin's nephew or not.
He's gonna be one sorry kid
when he walks in here.
Being a private investigator
is not a game.
It takes years of training.
Hundreds of hours of study.
I'd like to report
a homicide.
You stay there!
Mine!
(GUNS FlRlNG)
(SHOWER RUNNlNG)
Hey, what the hell...
(GROANS)
CHARLA: Wallace?
(SHRlEKlNG)
Hold your fire.
(SOBBlNG)
MAGNUM: Sometimes a little bit
of a shock is a good thing.
Well, maybe not a shock,
but at least
some kind of a change.
For instance,
the last couple of months for me
have been a monotony of insurance
investigations and divorce cases.
Basically, boring tedium relieved
only by a missing cat case.
But that's another story.
Suffice to say,
a change was in order.
You are one hour late.
I trust you have
a satisfactory explanation.
(GROANlNG)
R.J.: Heavy traffic, man.
A simple, "No excuses, sir,"
will suffice.
No excuses, sir.
Man, the plane was late.
But that's an excuse, sir.
A feeble one, at best, R.J.
By the by, where did you
get this vehicle?
You need wheels, man. Sir.
No, it's Uncle Robin's.
It was waiting for me
at the airport, sir.
Well, I doubt that you'll
get much usage out of it.
Huh?
No, not much at all.
For we both know
why you are here.
I am quite aware of the unusual
circumstances regarding your background.
I am also aware that you were
known at school, all of them,
to be undisciplined and quite
laggardly in all endeavors.
Nevertheless, your uncle, Mr. Masters,
feels that you can be transformed
under my guidance
by your 21st birthday
into a gentleman worthy of
his considerable trust fund.
So any thoughts you may have of
a summer's vacation in paradise
should be done away
with straightaway.
For you are about to embark upon
an academic and physical regimen
comparable to the finest
military academies in the world.
Do I make myself clear?
R.J.: All right.
Magnum.
You were supposed to be
here this morning to meet...
R.J. Masters. The new recruit.
Welcome to the Jonathan Quayle Higgins
lnstitute for the Criminally Adolescent.
I'm Thomas Magnum.
HlGGlNS: Where have you been?
Yeah, I know,
I know, really...
You know?
Sure.
Lives in the guest house.
World class private investigator.
HlGGlNS: Hardly world class.
I'm waiting for an explanation.
No explanation.
I was out all night.
On a case.
On a case, huh?
After I unpack,
you and l, we can...
Silence. You and Magnum
will do nothing of the sort.
You and I will discuss
your future agenda.
Agenda? It sounds like an induction
ceremony. When does he get his hair cut?
Come on, Higgins, lighten up a
little bit. The kid just got here.
No, no, no, it's okay. I don't
want to get off on the wrong foot.
Mr. Higgins here is just
doing what we all agreed to.
Look, I know you're gonna to be putting
a lot of time and energy into me,
and I just want you to know
I appreciate it.
Really.
Thank you, R.J.
Perhaps the task won't be as
difficult as I had envisioned.
Come along,
and I'll show you to your quarters.
I am sure, Magnum,
that you have things to do.
I...
HIGGINS:
Hut! Two! Three! Four!
Hut! Two! Three! Four!
Hut! Two! Three! Four!
Hut! Two! Three! Four!
Proceed to
the next procedure now.
One, two, three, four...
(GROANlNG)
Obviously my assumption
was correct.
You've never had a single moment
of exercise in your entire life.
I'm just a little
out of shape.
That's all.
"I'm just a little
out of shape, sir."
Funny, you don't look it.
Showing proper respect for authority
is the mark of a gentleman, young man.
Oh, come on, Higgins. Do we have to keep
playing this stupid game all the time?
Your future is not a game.
I'm just a little
out of shape, sir.
Very well. Now I want you to culminate
this morning's physical activities
with 20 circuits
around the estate perimeter.
Circuits? You mean laps?
I have to do 20 laps...
Twenty-two circuits.
What?
Twenty-five circuits.
Okay, okay.
I get the picture, sir.
Mr. Magnum?
Mr. Magnum?
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Hello?
CHARLA: Mr. Magnum,
my name is Charla Graham.
Agatha Chumley suggested
I contact you.
I need your help.
Hello? Are you there?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm right here.
My husband was murdered
two weeks ago,
and I'd like you to find the man
who can identify the killers.
Please, will you help me?
Mr. Magnum?
(STAMMERlNG) Yeah. I got
a bad connection.
I need a new phone.
When can we meet?
Meet?
To discuss the case.
Oh, yeah, the case.
Of course, the case.
Well, I know you like
the King Kamehameha Club.
Say 4:00 this afternoon?
Great.
I'll see you then.
And thank you.
Thank you.
MAGNUM: Taking a nap
in the middle of the day,
despite what Higgins thinks,
isn't my usual M.O.
Especially when I'm working.
But I've got to confess
I wasn't really working.
Even the insurance investigations
and the divorce cases were drying up.
And there were no more
missing cat cases either.
Just a late-night poker game with
Rick, T. C. and a couple of other guys
who always seemed to win.
(TAPE ON ANSWERlNG MACHlNE
REWlNDlNG)
Ah!
CHARLA: Hello,
Mr. Magnum, it's me again.
I'm going to be a little late.
I think they're following me.
(BEEPS)
RICK: Thomas, Rick.
Louie says you've got till tonight
to pay him the thirteen
bucks from the game. Bye.
(TAPE REWlNDlNG)
(BlRDS CHlRPlNG)
RICK: That's a great trick, kid, but
you think you're gonna get away with it?
I don't know. I just hope he
doesn't notice that it's gone.
Getting back in,
that's the problem.
Higgins will understand.
He seems like
a nice enough chap.
Except when he's mad,
which is just about all the time.
Well, I take my chances.
Do you mind if
I have another beer?
R.J., how old are you?
Twenty-seven.
Twenty...
Twenty-seven?
What, are you kiddin' or what?
For Robin Masters' nephew,
it is on the house.
In fact, the house is on the house.
All right.
Rick,
you're a heck of a guy.
Listen, it was great
meeting you, really.
Thanks for the drink
and see you guys later.
I guess the kid's been
cooped up too long.
He's got to kind of unwind.
Charla Graham?
Yes.
She looks a little old for him.
I mean, if you ask me.
Hey, he's 27.
What's wrong with that?
You're Thomas Magnum?
The one and only.
Why? Something wrong?
No. It's just that you're so young.
I mean...
It's hereditary.
Come from a family
of slow agers.
But about the case?
This is a snapshot
that we took last summer.
This is Archie. I'll show it
to you.
Rick. Telephone.
Oh, thanks.
(COCKTAlL MUSlC PLAYlNG
ON STEREO)
Yeah.
Hi, Rick. How's it going?
What do mean,
"Hi, Rick. How's it going?"
Well, that's just
a figure of speech.
What's happening?
What do you mean,
"What's happening?"
Well, I mean, you know,
has anybody kind of been
around there asking for me?
You got it, pally.
It sounded like a client?
Look, you're not going to
weasel out of it that way.
"I'll pay up just as soon as I get
the case." Well, it's not gonna work.
That story has been told too many times.
Now, you listen to me.
Louie wants
his $13 by tonight,
and so does Gino.
He wants his $36 by tonight.
And if you think that I'm
gonna stall them, you're crazy.
You just find yourself
another patsy.
Mmm-hmm.
Frankly, I'm impressed.
Thank you.
Well, this should be enough to get a
good start on finding your neighbor.
He's got a pretty recognizable
face and it's a small island.
But Archie's into real estate, you know.
He's got condos, houses, developments.
He could be hiding out
almost anywhere.
I'll find him.
I swear.
Thanks.
Don't forget to use that new number I
gave you. I disconnected the old phone.
Okay. Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Thanks a lot.
Private eye?
It seems to look that way.
Well, what are we gonna do?
We let him take us
to the witness.
Be discreet, kid.
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
JACK:
Better take a rain check.
HlGGlNS: My patience has
reached the breaking point.
Young man,
you are hereby on report
and any further episodes such as
this will be dealt with severely.
As it is, you should consider yourself
lucky that all you are suffering
are extra sessions of ancient Greek
history and double calisthenics.
Double calisthenics?
And forfeiture
of your car keys.
That is my Ferrari.
"That's my Ferrari, sir."
That is my Ferrari, sir!
No, it's not!
It's Mr. Masters' Ferrari.
Sounds real familiar.
Get used to it, R.J.
He loves saying that.
I trust there is some compelling
reason for this interruption, Magnum.
If not...
There is.
At least I think there is.
What?
I don't know.
Magnum, you are wasting my time
and R.J.'s time.
And believe me, this lad needs
all the time from me
he can get.
Hey, I'm gone.
There's just one thing.
I just wondered
if somebody had been trying
to get a hold of me here.
I mean, see, I think someone
either thinks I'm on a case,
or wants me for their case, or is in
some kind of trouble, or they just...
Never mind.
Probably a wrong number.
She did mention
my name, though.
Magnum, I assure you,
no one has called here asking for you.
And furthermore
your sordid social life
has no place
in this classroom.
Please leave. Okay, okay.
I just thought I'd ask.
I'll check around.
Except she sounded
real desperate.
I'm sure if she called you,
she was.
I'll see you, R.J.
With him here, obviously my
task will be doubly difficult.
However, if I ever impart any lasting
and profound knowledge to you, R.J.,
the most important is,
never,
never become unfocused, diffused,
directionless, hedonistic, lazy...
Now, where were we?
The Trojan War.
Oh, yes. Of course.
As I was saying,
some legends have Athena herself
building the Trojan horse.
However it was fashioned,
the Trojans arose
that morning to find
that the entire siege
had been lifted,
and the only object
that remained at their gate
was this enormous
wooden horse.
Naturally...
RICK: Hello.
Hello, Rick.
It's Thomas here.
Thomas?
Yeah, I just got back
from the dentist.
Yeah. Look,
I need a big favor.
I'm working on
a very important case
and I've only got one lead.
One lead.
Yeah, it's an '84 Firebird,
Iicense plate number
NLR 315.
Think you can trace it for me?
Well, it depends.
Come on, I'll pay my tab
in full. Promise.
I don't know. It's...
With interest?
Look, Rick, these bozos
are playing real rough.
I need you to help me out.
Well, why didn't you
say so before, pally?
I'll tell you what.
I'll get right on it.
Great, buddy,
I'll be over in a bit. Thanks.
Who was that?
That was you, Thomas.
(DOG BARKS)
Come, lads, patrol.
If you would have played like this last night,
you wouldn't have lost so much money.
How could he do that?
Who, Gino or Louie?
You know, I bet that they
were signaling each other...
I'm talking about R.J.
Oh, he's just young
and impetuous.
He's impersonating me!
Well, you got a point there.
Look, some woman is out there in danger,
thinking I'm protecting her.
I don't care whether he's
Robin's nephew or not.
He's gonna be one sorry kid
when he walks in here.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
And another thing...
Hello. Yeah.
Wow, you're kidding me.
Yeah, I'll let him know.
Try antibiotics.
That was lce Pick.
He said that that license is registered
to a couple of local hit men.
Gin.
Your friend was right.
There's only one P I.
on this island who drives a Ferrari.
Thomas Magnum.
Can I borrow your phone?
He made us.
Unfortunately.
What are we gonna do?
Take him out.
Yeah, hello, police.
I'd like to report
a homicide.
Mine!
(BULLET RlCOCHETS)
I'd swear those are gunshots.
Those are gunshots.
Don't move!
Nowhere to go, Magnum.
Except with us.
I'm not Magnum.
I'm Magnum.
He is!
You stay there!
R.J.: No problem.
I can explain everything.
MAGNUM: You stole my case!
R.J.: No, no, no.
I borrowed it. Kind of.
You stole it!
Hey, can I stop?
'Cause I'm gonna die.
Don't change the subject.
You sneaked into my room.
No, I didn't sneak.
The door was open.
And took my call
from my client
while I was sleeping.
Why?
(PANTlNG)
I didn't...
I didn't plan it that way, you know.
I mean, I was just hoping that
you could show me some ropes.
(EXHALlNG)
HlGGlNS: Resume running.
Resume running!
No!
No!
I'm not showing you
any ropes.
There were guys shooting at me!
Good.
Well, don't I deserve
some explanation?
I mean, it was me who traced
down that license number.
That was Rick.
R.J., the guys in the Firebird
were professional hit men.
Being a private investigator
is not a game.
It takes years of training.
Hundreds of hours of study.
Well, I don't have
a lot of years.
Why?
Because I'll be too old.
Tom, look, I'm almost 21. I mean,
I think my hair is going already.
The only thing that's going
is your mind and my patience.
And if you don't
start running again,
all the conning in the world is not
going to stop Higgins from phoning Robin
and pronouncing
you a failure.
Then you'll be back at another boarding
school, or out in the streets alone.
No, Higgins wouldn't do that.
Why?
Because he's afraid that Robin
will think that he's a failure.
I'll make the call then!
You just get back to work!
Do your job and I'll do mine!
If I have a client left.
You mean, we?
I mean, me!
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, you're out of the picture,
you understand?
I want your solemn word
that you will not meddle.
I promise. Solemnly.
Good, then
resume running.
I thought we said no.
I said no.
I can't believe this.
I should have known
he wasn't you.
I mean, I should have wised up when
he gave me that line about slow agers.
How could you do it?
How could you let that kid go
around masquerading as you?
He didn't bother to ask my
permission, Mrs. Graham.
I'm sorry.
It's just that this seems like
it's been such a waste of time.
I'm no closer to finding Archie or
my husband's killers than I ever was.
Do you have any idea why
your husband was killed?
A very good one.
Wallace was supposed to
testify at a trial next week.
Union racketeering and fraud.
He was an accountant with a
local and he saw too much.
I warned him not to do it,
but he insisted on testifying.
He said he wouldn't
have it any other way.
MAGNUM: Can you tell me anything else
about your neighbor, Archie Fleming?
I told you he was
in real estate.
No, you told R.J.
Oh. I'm sorry. I'm confused.
But l... I did show you
the picture, right?
No, you showed that to R.J. also,
but I have it now.
Because this morning I remembered
where that picture was taken.
At a party at one
of Archie's houses.
How many does he have?
Plenty. I've been doing
some research.
Am I gonna need a list?
Well, this house
is at Makapuu Point.
And he used to go there
sometimes on weekends.
Do you remember the address?
No. But it's the only
one there.
(CLlCKS OFF)
Well, that's a start.
But before you leave,
you better give me all of them.
You know, houses,
condos, developments.
Got a pen?
(BlRDS CHlRPlNG)
Higgins.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
HlGGlNS: R.J.?
(KNOCKlNG)
R.J., I'd like a word
with you.
Open this door at once.
(CLlCKS ON)
CHARLA: Because this morning I
remembered where that picture was taken.
At a party at one
of Archie's houses.
How many does he have?
Plenty. I've been doing
some research.
Am I going to need a list?
Well, this house
is at Makapuu Point.
And he used to go there
sometimes on weekends.
Do you remember the address?
No, but it's
the only one there.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe this.
Please, don't worry,
Mrs. Graham,
Agatha did not
mislead you.
Magnum is very good
at what he does.
Thank you.
When he knows what he's doing.
I don't know what he's doing.
I don't even know who's who anymore.
When this is over, Higgins,
I want him gone.
Quite. However, in view
of the fact that R.J. is,
in all probability,
exceeding the speed limit,
I suggest that you
step on it, too.
You know, this has all
been like a nightmare.
I assure you, Mrs. Graham,
everything will turn out all right.
I hope.
ARCHlE: I'm afraid
you're history, punk.
They should never have
sent a boy to do a man's job.
R.J.: Listen, Archie.
You got it wrong here.
Wrong?
Wrong? Listen,
you came here to kill me.
You came here
to blow me away.
But you're not.
No. This is gonna be
self-defense.
Yeah, yeah, self-defense.
(STAMMERlNG) No.
You gotta listen to me.
'Cause...
Don't... Don't shoot.
I'm not working
for the hit men.
(STAMMERlNG)
Please believe me.
All right. Let's find out.
Come on, up against the wall.
What? Come on,
up against the wall. Spread 'em.
(GlGGLlNG)
Don't do that.
You tickled me.
Look, Mr. Fleming,
I'm not a murderer.
I'm just a kid.
I don't even own a gun.
Oh.
I don't want to die.
Well, what do you
want me to do?
How about just putting
that gun down, Archie?
Please.
So, you're the hit man.
I'm not a hit man.
I'm a private investigator.
I'm working for Charla Graham.
That's what he said.
I'm Thomas Magnum.
He said that, too.
(SlGHlNG)
Now, look, you can either be a
dead murderer or a live witness,
and as far as I'm concerned,
it's a real toss-up.
He's just kidding.
It's just a joke.
Okay, I'll go to the police.
We'll take you there.
And I want protection.
You'll get it.
You know, I've never even
fired the damn thing.
I almost wish you did.
MAGNUM:
What did you do to the gate?
R.J.: Uh-oh.
What did you do
to the gate, R.J.?
Well, Higgins changed the code,
so I had to, you know,
manual-override the gate.
Oh, great. You probably shorted
out the whole security system.
Higgins is going to kill you.
Got to admit though,
we make a great team.
We don't make
any team at all, R.J.
You're suppose to be going to school,
not playing Philip Marlowe.
Well, I used a better
role model than that.
Well, you did
a pretty lousy job of it.
Sorry.
But I had to do it.
Why?
Because all my life all I've ever
been is Robin Masters' punk nephew.
The resident black sheep
of the family.
He sends me here
to turn me legit
by making me a cross
of Higgins and him.
Well, it's not for me.
R.J., you're never going
to know what's for you
until you get some idea of
what the world's all about.
And you never will, unless you get
some education and some discipline.
Then you can
make your choices.
At the moment,
Higgins is the best thing for you.
So, we're gonna go inside
and you're going to
apologize for the gate
and everything else you've
done and maybe, just maybe,
he won't send you packing.
Okay?
Okay.
Thanks.
What about my car?
We'll get it later. Right now,
I don't want to let you out of my sight.
Higgins?
Something's wrong.
HlGGlNS: Run, Magnum.
(GROANS)
Let's not overreact.
One question.
Where's Fleming?
None of your business.
Oh, I think it is. Because I would
like to propose a little exchange.
Your friend here for Fleming.
Easy. You've got one hour.
Or his condition
is going to get worse.
I assure you,
your only rational and logical course
is complete and
unconditional surrender.
Now, if you will
give me your weapons.
Hey, he's funny.
You're funny.
I certainly do not find
any humor in this situation.
And if you persist...
Button it, will you?
Nice lookin' dame.
You know her personally?
I mean, did you ever go out with her?
Like on a date?
Put that down.
(WHlSTLlNG)
Great movie.
I saw it six times.
Looks like you saw it, too.
I was there.
Yeah?
Remember what
they did at the end?
Such madness.
(WHlSTLlNG)
Boom.
Hey, relax.
R.J.: It's not going to work.
RlCK: It's got to.
It's not.
You don't look
anything like him.
I mean,
he's 6'4" and...
Watch it. Watch it.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Fleming said that the only time they
saw him, he was sitting in the car,
and since he's in
the police station right now,
spilling his guts out
as we speak,
and Thomas and T.C.
are doin' back up,
that leaves only one
other guy. Yours truly.
Or me.
Listen, kid,
you got your orders.
Just don't move and stay put.
Maybe we should call the cops.
Oh, that's real cute.
And have the swat team
lobbing in tear gas?
Well, what happens
if they don't buy you?
I'll just have to
take that chance.
You could get killed.
You're damn right I could get killed!
What do you think they're gonna do,
just let Higgins go and wave bye-bye?
Let me just tell you something.
If I do buy it,
I want you to know that
it's gonna be your fault.
Does that make you
feel real good?
Yeah, great. Look, kid,
this ain't a cartoon.
It's gonna be like the shootout
at the O.K. Corral out there,
and all you're doing
is making me nervous.
Well, that's why
you should let me do this.
Please. Come on, I mean,
everything's my fault.
You guys don't deserve this.
Oh, man, I really messed up.
You gotta let me
make it up to you.
I said no.
You gotta.
No!
You gotta.
I said...
Oh, wow.
Rick,
what's taking you so long?
Two minutes.
And make sure you lock him up.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Yeah.
Two minutes and then
we deliver Fleming.
We'll be there.
Let's go.
Start whistling, old chap,
maybe it'll bring you some luck.
(WHlSTLES)
So long,
(SCOFFS)
Colonel.
Higgins!
(GUNS FlRlNG)
That was very brave of you.
And foolhardy.
They're really dead.
Sometimes that's part of it.
R.J.: I'm leaving,
Higgins, sir.
HlGGlNS: Why? I believe your
education is just beginning.
Yeah, maybe it is.
But I think it's about time
I did it on my own terms.
I don't understand.
I mean, I think
it's more important to me
to see if I can
do it on my own
without that prize at the end
being Uncle Robin's trust fund.
Do you know what
I'm trying to say?
I think so.
Where do you expect to do this?
L.A.
I'm just going to go there and
get a regular, mundane job.
Take a few classes
at City College.
Just be 20 years old
for a while.
You think I'm doing
the right thing?
Actually, your circumstances
somewhat remind me
of a decision another lad
your age made once.
Did he do the right thing?
Yes. Yes, he did.
Good luck, R.J.
And if you find it too...
I mean to say,
if you ever want to,
you have a home here.
Thanks. Sir.
Higgins.
Where is he?
Who?
R.J.
He's off to Los Angeles.
When?
He just left not 15 minutes ago.
My God, Magnum,
you've broken it.
That's not important now. It most certainly is.
What could be more important?
How about the little runt
lying and selling the Ferrari?
The Ferrari?
The green one.
R.J. sold it?
Yes!
How? Where? Why?
I just went down
to the police station
to straighten things out
with Charla
and pick up the green...
Stop rambling.
I'm not rambling! Lieutenant Tanaka
said that R.J. just stopped by,
and he sold it
to a broker.
A broker?
For cash.
There's no fool like...
What?
Come along, Magnum.
We may yet catch the little
bounder at the airport.
lnstitute for the Criminally Adolescent.
Hut! Two! Three!
Hut! Two! Three!
You're Thomas Magnum?
The one and only.
You're so young.
Come from a family of slow agers.
He's impersonating me! I don't care
whether he's Robin's nephew or not.
He's gonna be one sorry kid
when he walks in here.
Being a private investigator
is not a game.
It takes years of training.
Hundreds of hours of study.
I'd like to report
a homicide.
You stay there!
Mine!
(GUNS FlRlNG)
(SHOWER RUNNlNG)
Hey, what the hell...
(GROANS)
CHARLA: Wallace?
(SHRlEKlNG)
Hold your fire.
(SOBBlNG)
MAGNUM: Sometimes a little bit
of a shock is a good thing.
Well, maybe not a shock,
but at least
some kind of a change.
For instance,
the last couple of months for me
have been a monotony of insurance
investigations and divorce cases.
Basically, boring tedium relieved
only by a missing cat case.
But that's another story.
Suffice to say,
a change was in order.
You are one hour late.
I trust you have
a satisfactory explanation.
(GROANlNG)
R.J.: Heavy traffic, man.
A simple, "No excuses, sir,"
will suffice.
No excuses, sir.
Man, the plane was late.
But that's an excuse, sir.
A feeble one, at best, R.J.
By the by, where did you
get this vehicle?
You need wheels, man. Sir.
No, it's Uncle Robin's.
It was waiting for me
at the airport, sir.
Well, I doubt that you'll
get much usage out of it.
Huh?
No, not much at all.
For we both know
why you are here.
I am quite aware of the unusual
circumstances regarding your background.
I am also aware that you were
known at school, all of them,
to be undisciplined and quite
laggardly in all endeavors.
Nevertheless, your uncle, Mr. Masters,
feels that you can be transformed
under my guidance
by your 21st birthday
into a gentleman worthy of
his considerable trust fund.
So any thoughts you may have of
a summer's vacation in paradise
should be done away
with straightaway.
For you are about to embark upon
an academic and physical regimen
comparable to the finest
military academies in the world.
Do I make myself clear?
R.J.: All right.
Magnum.
You were supposed to be
here this morning to meet...
R.J. Masters. The new recruit.
Welcome to the Jonathan Quayle Higgins
lnstitute for the Criminally Adolescent.
I'm Thomas Magnum.
HlGGlNS: Where have you been?
Yeah, I know,
I know, really...
You know?
Sure.
Lives in the guest house.
World class private investigator.
HlGGlNS: Hardly world class.
I'm waiting for an explanation.
No explanation.
I was out all night.
On a case.
On a case, huh?
After I unpack,
you and l, we can...
Silence. You and Magnum
will do nothing of the sort.
You and I will discuss
your future agenda.
Agenda? It sounds like an induction
ceremony. When does he get his hair cut?
Come on, Higgins, lighten up a
little bit. The kid just got here.
No, no, no, it's okay. I don't
want to get off on the wrong foot.
Mr. Higgins here is just
doing what we all agreed to.
Look, I know you're gonna to be putting
a lot of time and energy into me,
and I just want you to know
I appreciate it.
Really.
Thank you, R.J.
Perhaps the task won't be as
difficult as I had envisioned.
Come along,
and I'll show you to your quarters.
I am sure, Magnum,
that you have things to do.
I...
HIGGINS:
Hut! Two! Three! Four!
Hut! Two! Three! Four!
Hut! Two! Three! Four!
Hut! Two! Three! Four!
Proceed to
the next procedure now.
One, two, three, four...
(GROANlNG)
Obviously my assumption
was correct.
You've never had a single moment
of exercise in your entire life.
I'm just a little
out of shape.
That's all.
"I'm just a little
out of shape, sir."
Funny, you don't look it.
Showing proper respect for authority
is the mark of a gentleman, young man.
Oh, come on, Higgins. Do we have to keep
playing this stupid game all the time?
Your future is not a game.
I'm just a little
out of shape, sir.
Very well. Now I want you to culminate
this morning's physical activities
with 20 circuits
around the estate perimeter.
Circuits? You mean laps?
I have to do 20 laps...
Twenty-two circuits.
What?
Twenty-five circuits.
Okay, okay.
I get the picture, sir.
Mr. Magnum?
Mr. Magnum?
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Hello?
CHARLA: Mr. Magnum,
my name is Charla Graham.
Agatha Chumley suggested
I contact you.
I need your help.
Hello? Are you there?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm right here.
My husband was murdered
two weeks ago,
and I'd like you to find the man
who can identify the killers.
Please, will you help me?
Mr. Magnum?
(STAMMERlNG) Yeah. I got
a bad connection.
I need a new phone.
When can we meet?
Meet?
To discuss the case.
Oh, yeah, the case.
Of course, the case.
Well, I know you like
the King Kamehameha Club.
Say 4:00 this afternoon?
Great.
I'll see you then.
And thank you.
Thank you.
MAGNUM: Taking a nap
in the middle of the day,
despite what Higgins thinks,
isn't my usual M.O.
Especially when I'm working.
But I've got to confess
I wasn't really working.
Even the insurance investigations
and the divorce cases were drying up.
And there were no more
missing cat cases either.
Just a late-night poker game with
Rick, T. C. and a couple of other guys
who always seemed to win.
(TAPE ON ANSWERlNG MACHlNE
REWlNDlNG)
Ah!
CHARLA: Hello,
Mr. Magnum, it's me again.
I'm going to be a little late.
I think they're following me.
(BEEPS)
RICK: Thomas, Rick.
Louie says you've got till tonight
to pay him the thirteen
bucks from the game. Bye.
(TAPE REWlNDlNG)
(BlRDS CHlRPlNG)
RICK: That's a great trick, kid, but
you think you're gonna get away with it?
I don't know. I just hope he
doesn't notice that it's gone.
Getting back in,
that's the problem.
Higgins will understand.
He seems like
a nice enough chap.
Except when he's mad,
which is just about all the time.
Well, I take my chances.
Do you mind if
I have another beer?
R.J., how old are you?
Twenty-seven.
Twenty...
Twenty-seven?
What, are you kiddin' or what?
For Robin Masters' nephew,
it is on the house.
In fact, the house is on the house.
All right.
Rick,
you're a heck of a guy.
Listen, it was great
meeting you, really.
Thanks for the drink
and see you guys later.
I guess the kid's been
cooped up too long.
He's got to kind of unwind.
Charla Graham?
Yes.
She looks a little old for him.
I mean, if you ask me.
Hey, he's 27.
What's wrong with that?
You're Thomas Magnum?
The one and only.
Why? Something wrong?
No. It's just that you're so young.
I mean...
It's hereditary.
Come from a family
of slow agers.
But about the case?
This is a snapshot
that we took last summer.
This is Archie. I'll show it
to you.
Rick. Telephone.
Oh, thanks.
(COCKTAlL MUSlC PLAYlNG
ON STEREO)
Yeah.
Hi, Rick. How's it going?
What do mean,
"Hi, Rick. How's it going?"
Well, that's just
a figure of speech.
What's happening?
What do you mean,
"What's happening?"
Well, I mean, you know,
has anybody kind of been
around there asking for me?
You got it, pally.
It sounded like a client?
Look, you're not going to
weasel out of it that way.
"I'll pay up just as soon as I get
the case." Well, it's not gonna work.
That story has been told too many times.
Now, you listen to me.
Louie wants
his $13 by tonight,
and so does Gino.
He wants his $36 by tonight.
And if you think that I'm
gonna stall them, you're crazy.
You just find yourself
another patsy.
Mmm-hmm.
Frankly, I'm impressed.
Thank you.
Well, this should be enough to get a
good start on finding your neighbor.
He's got a pretty recognizable
face and it's a small island.
But Archie's into real estate, you know.
He's got condos, houses, developments.
He could be hiding out
almost anywhere.
I'll find him.
I swear.
Thanks.
Don't forget to use that new number I
gave you. I disconnected the old phone.
Okay. Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Thanks a lot.
Private eye?
It seems to look that way.
Well, what are we gonna do?
We let him take us
to the witness.
Be discreet, kid.
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
JACK:
Better take a rain check.
HlGGlNS: My patience has
reached the breaking point.
Young man,
you are hereby on report
and any further episodes such as
this will be dealt with severely.
As it is, you should consider yourself
lucky that all you are suffering
are extra sessions of ancient Greek
history and double calisthenics.
Double calisthenics?
And forfeiture
of your car keys.
That is my Ferrari.
"That's my Ferrari, sir."
That is my Ferrari, sir!
No, it's not!
It's Mr. Masters' Ferrari.
Sounds real familiar.
Get used to it, R.J.
He loves saying that.
I trust there is some compelling
reason for this interruption, Magnum.
If not...
There is.
At least I think there is.
What?
I don't know.
Magnum, you are wasting my time
and R.J.'s time.
And believe me, this lad needs
all the time from me
he can get.
Hey, I'm gone.
There's just one thing.
I just wondered
if somebody had been trying
to get a hold of me here.
I mean, see, I think someone
either thinks I'm on a case,
or wants me for their case, or is in
some kind of trouble, or they just...
Never mind.
Probably a wrong number.
She did mention
my name, though.
Magnum, I assure you,
no one has called here asking for you.
And furthermore
your sordid social life
has no place
in this classroom.
Please leave. Okay, okay.
I just thought I'd ask.
I'll check around.
Except she sounded
real desperate.
I'm sure if she called you,
she was.
I'll see you, R.J.
With him here, obviously my
task will be doubly difficult.
However, if I ever impart any lasting
and profound knowledge to you, R.J.,
the most important is,
never,
never become unfocused, diffused,
directionless, hedonistic, lazy...
Now, where were we?
The Trojan War.
Oh, yes. Of course.
As I was saying,
some legends have Athena herself
building the Trojan horse.
However it was fashioned,
the Trojans arose
that morning to find
that the entire siege
had been lifted,
and the only object
that remained at their gate
was this enormous
wooden horse.
Naturally...
RICK: Hello.
Hello, Rick.
It's Thomas here.
Thomas?
Yeah, I just got back
from the dentist.
Yeah. Look,
I need a big favor.
I'm working on
a very important case
and I've only got one lead.
One lead.
Yeah, it's an '84 Firebird,
Iicense plate number
NLR 315.
Think you can trace it for me?
Well, it depends.
Come on, I'll pay my tab
in full. Promise.
I don't know. It's...
With interest?
Look, Rick, these bozos
are playing real rough.
I need you to help me out.
Well, why didn't you
say so before, pally?
I'll tell you what.
I'll get right on it.
Great, buddy,
I'll be over in a bit. Thanks.
Who was that?
That was you, Thomas.
(DOG BARKS)
Come, lads, patrol.
If you would have played like this last night,
you wouldn't have lost so much money.
How could he do that?
Who, Gino or Louie?
You know, I bet that they
were signaling each other...
I'm talking about R.J.
Oh, he's just young
and impetuous.
He's impersonating me!
Well, you got a point there.
Look, some woman is out there in danger,
thinking I'm protecting her.
I don't care whether he's
Robin's nephew or not.
He's gonna be one sorry kid
when he walks in here.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
And another thing...
Hello. Yeah.
Wow, you're kidding me.
Yeah, I'll let him know.
Try antibiotics.
That was lce Pick.
He said that that license is registered
to a couple of local hit men.
Gin.
Your friend was right.
There's only one P I.
on this island who drives a Ferrari.
Thomas Magnum.
Can I borrow your phone?
He made us.
Unfortunately.
What are we gonna do?
Take him out.
Yeah, hello, police.
I'd like to report
a homicide.
Mine!
(BULLET RlCOCHETS)
I'd swear those are gunshots.
Those are gunshots.
Don't move!
Nowhere to go, Magnum.
Except with us.
I'm not Magnum.
I'm Magnum.
He is!
You stay there!
R.J.: No problem.
I can explain everything.
MAGNUM: You stole my case!
R.J.: No, no, no.
I borrowed it. Kind of.
You stole it!
Hey, can I stop?
'Cause I'm gonna die.
Don't change the subject.
You sneaked into my room.
No, I didn't sneak.
The door was open.
And took my call
from my client
while I was sleeping.
Why?
(PANTlNG)
I didn't...
I didn't plan it that way, you know.
I mean, I was just hoping that
you could show me some ropes.
(EXHALlNG)
HlGGlNS: Resume running.
Resume running!
No!
No!
I'm not showing you
any ropes.
There were guys shooting at me!
Good.
Well, don't I deserve
some explanation?
I mean, it was me who traced
down that license number.
That was Rick.
R.J., the guys in the Firebird
were professional hit men.
Being a private investigator
is not a game.
It takes years of training.
Hundreds of hours of study.
Well, I don't have
a lot of years.
Why?
Because I'll be too old.
Tom, look, I'm almost 21. I mean,
I think my hair is going already.
The only thing that's going
is your mind and my patience.
And if you don't
start running again,
all the conning in the world is not
going to stop Higgins from phoning Robin
and pronouncing
you a failure.
Then you'll be back at another boarding
school, or out in the streets alone.
No, Higgins wouldn't do that.
Why?
Because he's afraid that Robin
will think that he's a failure.
I'll make the call then!
You just get back to work!
Do your job and I'll do mine!
If I have a client left.
You mean, we?
I mean, me!
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, you're out of the picture,
you understand?
I want your solemn word
that you will not meddle.
I promise. Solemnly.
Good, then
resume running.
I thought we said no.
I said no.
I can't believe this.
I should have known
he wasn't you.
I mean, I should have wised up when
he gave me that line about slow agers.
How could you do it?
How could you let that kid go
around masquerading as you?
He didn't bother to ask my
permission, Mrs. Graham.
I'm sorry.
It's just that this seems like
it's been such a waste of time.
I'm no closer to finding Archie or
my husband's killers than I ever was.
Do you have any idea why
your husband was killed?
A very good one.
Wallace was supposed to
testify at a trial next week.
Union racketeering and fraud.
He was an accountant with a
local and he saw too much.
I warned him not to do it,
but he insisted on testifying.
He said he wouldn't
have it any other way.
MAGNUM: Can you tell me anything else
about your neighbor, Archie Fleming?
I told you he was
in real estate.
No, you told R.J.
Oh. I'm sorry. I'm confused.
But l... I did show you
the picture, right?
No, you showed that to R.J. also,
but I have it now.
Because this morning I remembered
where that picture was taken.
At a party at one
of Archie's houses.
How many does he have?
Plenty. I've been doing
some research.
Am I gonna need a list?
Well, this house
is at Makapuu Point.
And he used to go there
sometimes on weekends.
Do you remember the address?
No. But it's the only
one there.
(CLlCKS OFF)
Well, that's a start.
But before you leave,
you better give me all of them.
You know, houses,
condos, developments.
Got a pen?
(BlRDS CHlRPlNG)
Higgins.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
HlGGlNS: R.J.?
(KNOCKlNG)
R.J., I'd like a word
with you.
Open this door at once.
(CLlCKS ON)
CHARLA: Because this morning I
remembered where that picture was taken.
At a party at one
of Archie's houses.
How many does he have?
Plenty. I've been doing
some research.
Am I going to need a list?
Well, this house
is at Makapuu Point.
And he used to go there
sometimes on weekends.
Do you remember the address?
No, but it's
the only one there.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe this.
Please, don't worry,
Mrs. Graham,
Agatha did not
mislead you.
Magnum is very good
at what he does.
Thank you.
When he knows what he's doing.
I don't know what he's doing.
I don't even know who's who anymore.
When this is over, Higgins,
I want him gone.
Quite. However, in view
of the fact that R.J. is,
in all probability,
exceeding the speed limit,
I suggest that you
step on it, too.
You know, this has all
been like a nightmare.
I assure you, Mrs. Graham,
everything will turn out all right.
I hope.
ARCHlE: I'm afraid
you're history, punk.
They should never have
sent a boy to do a man's job.
R.J.: Listen, Archie.
You got it wrong here.
Wrong?
Wrong? Listen,
you came here to kill me.
You came here
to blow me away.
But you're not.
No. This is gonna be
self-defense.
Yeah, yeah, self-defense.
(STAMMERlNG) No.
You gotta listen to me.
'Cause...
Don't... Don't shoot.
I'm not working
for the hit men.
(STAMMERlNG)
Please believe me.
All right. Let's find out.
Come on, up against the wall.
What? Come on,
up against the wall. Spread 'em.
(GlGGLlNG)
Don't do that.
You tickled me.
Look, Mr. Fleming,
I'm not a murderer.
I'm just a kid.
I don't even own a gun.
Oh.
I don't want to die.
Well, what do you
want me to do?
How about just putting
that gun down, Archie?
Please.
So, you're the hit man.
I'm not a hit man.
I'm a private investigator.
I'm working for Charla Graham.
That's what he said.
I'm Thomas Magnum.
He said that, too.
(SlGHlNG)
Now, look, you can either be a
dead murderer or a live witness,
and as far as I'm concerned,
it's a real toss-up.
He's just kidding.
It's just a joke.
Okay, I'll go to the police.
We'll take you there.
And I want protection.
You'll get it.
You know, I've never even
fired the damn thing.
I almost wish you did.
MAGNUM:
What did you do to the gate?
R.J.: Uh-oh.
What did you do
to the gate, R.J.?
Well, Higgins changed the code,
so I had to, you know,
manual-override the gate.
Oh, great. You probably shorted
out the whole security system.
Higgins is going to kill you.
Got to admit though,
we make a great team.
We don't make
any team at all, R.J.
You're suppose to be going to school,
not playing Philip Marlowe.
Well, I used a better
role model than that.
Well, you did
a pretty lousy job of it.
Sorry.
But I had to do it.
Why?
Because all my life all I've ever
been is Robin Masters' punk nephew.
The resident black sheep
of the family.
He sends me here
to turn me legit
by making me a cross
of Higgins and him.
Well, it's not for me.
R.J., you're never going
to know what's for you
until you get some idea of
what the world's all about.
And you never will, unless you get
some education and some discipline.
Then you can
make your choices.
At the moment,
Higgins is the best thing for you.
So, we're gonna go inside
and you're going to
apologize for the gate
and everything else you've
done and maybe, just maybe,
he won't send you packing.
Okay?
Okay.
Thanks.
What about my car?
We'll get it later. Right now,
I don't want to let you out of my sight.
Higgins?
Something's wrong.
HlGGlNS: Run, Magnum.
(GROANS)
Let's not overreact.
One question.
Where's Fleming?
None of your business.
Oh, I think it is. Because I would
like to propose a little exchange.
Your friend here for Fleming.
Easy. You've got one hour.
Or his condition
is going to get worse.
I assure you,
your only rational and logical course
is complete and
unconditional surrender.
Now, if you will
give me your weapons.
Hey, he's funny.
You're funny.
I certainly do not find
any humor in this situation.
And if you persist...
Button it, will you?
Nice lookin' dame.
You know her personally?
I mean, did you ever go out with her?
Like on a date?
Put that down.
(WHlSTLlNG)
Great movie.
I saw it six times.
Looks like you saw it, too.
I was there.
Yeah?
Remember what
they did at the end?
Such madness.
(WHlSTLlNG)
Boom.
Hey, relax.
R.J.: It's not going to work.
RlCK: It's got to.
It's not.
You don't look
anything like him.
I mean,
he's 6'4" and...
Watch it. Watch it.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Fleming said that the only time they
saw him, he was sitting in the car,
and since he's in
the police station right now,
spilling his guts out
as we speak,
and Thomas and T.C.
are doin' back up,
that leaves only one
other guy. Yours truly.
Or me.
Listen, kid,
you got your orders.
Just don't move and stay put.
Maybe we should call the cops.
Oh, that's real cute.
And have the swat team
lobbing in tear gas?
Well, what happens
if they don't buy you?
I'll just have to
take that chance.
You could get killed.
You're damn right I could get killed!
What do you think they're gonna do,
just let Higgins go and wave bye-bye?
Let me just tell you something.
If I do buy it,
I want you to know that
it's gonna be your fault.
Does that make you
feel real good?
Yeah, great. Look, kid,
this ain't a cartoon.
It's gonna be like the shootout
at the O.K. Corral out there,
and all you're doing
is making me nervous.
Well, that's why
you should let me do this.
Please. Come on, I mean,
everything's my fault.
You guys don't deserve this.
Oh, man, I really messed up.
You gotta let me
make it up to you.
I said no.
You gotta.
No!
You gotta.
I said...
Oh, wow.
Rick,
what's taking you so long?
Two minutes.
And make sure you lock him up.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Yeah.
Two minutes and then
we deliver Fleming.
We'll be there.
Let's go.
Start whistling, old chap,
maybe it'll bring you some luck.
(WHlSTLES)
So long,
(SCOFFS)
Colonel.
Higgins!
(GUNS FlRlNG)
That was very brave of you.
And foolhardy.
They're really dead.
Sometimes that's part of it.
R.J.: I'm leaving,
Higgins, sir.
HlGGlNS: Why? I believe your
education is just beginning.
Yeah, maybe it is.
But I think it's about time
I did it on my own terms.
I don't understand.
I mean, I think
it's more important to me
to see if I can
do it on my own
without that prize at the end
being Uncle Robin's trust fund.
Do you know what
I'm trying to say?
I think so.
Where do you expect to do this?
L.A.
I'm just going to go there and
get a regular, mundane job.
Take a few classes
at City College.
Just be 20 years old
for a while.
You think I'm doing
the right thing?
Actually, your circumstances
somewhat remind me
of a decision another lad
your age made once.
Did he do the right thing?
Yes. Yes, he did.
Good luck, R.J.
And if you find it too...
I mean to say,
if you ever want to,
you have a home here.
Thanks. Sir.
Higgins.
Where is he?
Who?
R.J.
He's off to Los Angeles.
When?
He just left not 15 minutes ago.
My God, Magnum,
you've broken it.
That's not important now. It most certainly is.
What could be more important?
How about the little runt
lying and selling the Ferrari?
The Ferrari?
The green one.
R.J. sold it?
Yes!
How? Where? Why?
I just went down
to the police station
to straighten things out
with Charla
and pick up the green...
Stop rambling.
I'm not rambling! Lieutenant Tanaka
said that R.J. just stopped by,
and he sold it
to a broker.
A broker?
For cash.
There's no fool like...
What?
Come along, Magnum.
We may yet catch the little
bounder at the airport.