Magnum, P.I. (1980–1988): Season 5, Episode 22 - A Pretty Good Dancing Chicken - full transcript

You were playing
some insipid game

on Robin Masters'
$100,000 computer system!

When I entered my passcode,

the computer said,
"Hi, Magnum, want to
finish our game?"

Sometime within
the next 24 hours,

I'll penetrate the estate,
enter the safe, and remove...

My ring.

The important thing is
we know someone's breaking in.

It doesn't do us a bloody
bit of good if we don't know
where they are.

Are you falling in love
with a man you only met
two days ago?

Of course not.



I think
you're dangerous enough
on your own.

I'm just very good
at what I do.

Good morning.
Please tell Senor Urrutio

that Miss Villoroch has just
penetrated his impenetrable
security system.

Warning,
there is a red dragon
behind this door!

Oops! Passageway blocked.

Damn!
Try again.

Okay.

Right.

False exit.

There is a trap door
two steps in front of you.

Come on, I've been
trapped in this corridor
for over two hours!

Okay.

Secret door.



Wrong again.

You have used all of
your warning wands.

One more wrong choice
will unleash a white demon.

Hurry, Magnum,
or you will forfeit the game.

Calm down, you little turkey.
Give me some time to think.

Yeah.
- Magnum?

Mac?
- Dungeon Master says

Wait, I can't.
...you have 10 seconds.
9, 8,

You're where? Wait...
Hold on, hold on.
7, 6, 5,

4, 3, 2, 1.

Too late, you lose!

Drop dead!

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Magnum,
are you still there?

I'm in big trouble.

All right, maybe I should have
gone to Higgins and told him

I'd crashed
the security system

trying to beat
the Dungeon Master,

but Mac's call for help
took priority over some
tangled-up computer program.

Besides, I figured
a drive in the night air

might help me
figure out some way
of reprogramming it.

Mac said he'd been arrested
for selling stolen goods.

Now, I think I know enough
about Mac to believe

that he might con the shirt
off your back,

but I don't think
he'd ever steal it.

I think.

Hey, Magnum.

This guy said
he's a friend of yours.

Thomas, am I glad
to see you.

There's been
a terrible mistake here.

The only mistake
is your possession
of stolen property.

But I didn't know
it was stolen.
Tell him, Magnum.

John, look, I have known Mac
for some time now, and...

Then you know
that Mac's not
his real name.

Yeah, of course,
it's his nickname.

His real name
is Jim Bonig.

His ID says Peter Kernan.

You see, I explained
to the officer
that I was doing

some surveillance work
for you
and that we decided...

You what?

It's not important.

The point is,
I didn't steal this stuff.

Now, there was a kid,
12 years old,
stopped by my stand...

A stand for which
you did not have
an operator's license.

Well, of course not,
because I wasn't really
selling anything.

I was working undercover
for Magnum.
That's it, Mac!

Anyway, this kid offers me
a great deal on this
bauble jewelry stuff.

Says he got it directly
from the manufacturers,

said he had papers
and everything to prove it.

Computerized forgeries,
which I think
you are guilty of.

That's ridiculous!

John, could I talk
to Mac...

Jim... Him, alone?

Hey,
I didn't steal that stuff.

Just tell me
the truth, Mac.

Well, it's the only
fair thing I could do.

I mean, that junk jewelry
had been stuck in Customs
for a year.

Harlen found out that
it was about to be sold
at auction for its duty,

so I liberated it.

I hate that word.

But what I need to know
is, did you use a computer
to forge those documents?

Yes. I bypassed
the dock entry code

and I programmed
the shipping bills,

turning the jewelry
over to Harlen.

Then you know
how to program a computer?

Well, I can get you a ticket
to just about any place
in the world.

I can add a couple of zeros
to your bank account.

I can probably even
erase your bill down
at the phone company.

Yeah, I guess you could say
I can program a computer.

How about a computerized
security system?

What are you up to?

I crashed the estate
security system computer.

You? How'd you do that?

Never mind.
What I need to do is

get it back online before
Higgins or the insurance
company find out.

Insurance company?
Magnum, what's going on?

This is a secret.

My lips are sealed.

In two days,

a $170 million
jewelry competition

is going to be held
at the estate.

$170 million...
Shh.

170 million bucks?

Can you do it?

Do what?
Reprogram the...

...computer.

Yeah.

But I can't do anything
from jail.

Well, this doesn't mean
I condone what you did.

I didn't do anything!
I liberated junk that was
being sold at auction...

John,

Mac, he is willing to
admit that he's guilty...

What?
...of operating a stand
without a license.

The charge is possession
of stolen goods.

Yeah, which are now
in your possession, John,

and they're probably
not worth more than
a hundred bucks.

A lot of paperwork...

I release him
into your custody?

Of course.

If I so much as catch him
spitting on a sidewalk.

I never spit.

Operating without
a vendor's license
is a $300 fine.

Pay him, Mac.

Magnum, Magnum,

I don't have 300 bucks.

It took my entire
ready-teller account
to get Mac out,

but it was worth it
if he could fix
the Dracos Three

before Higgins found out.

I was surprised
when your insurance company
informed me

that you were coming
to inspect our security
system, Miss Villoroch.

Surprised?

Well, under the circumstances,
one is not usually afforded
the opportunity to prepare.

I see.

Excuse me. One can't be
too careful, can one?

Oh, my God.

I penetrated the grounds
at 0500 hours this morning.

From there
to the main house,

it took me
12 minutes to locate
the electronic system

and bypass any connection
that might sound the alarm.

I used a sonic pulser
to vibrate the electronic
locks open.

At 0523,

I located the safe,
opened it,

and removed the contents.

All of Mr. Masters'
personal papers are here,
unread, of course.

But I couldn't resist
the last chapter
of his new novel.

Good ending.

I'll have to buy the book.

This is impossible.

The Dracos Three
computer system is the most
advanced in the world.

Yes. When it's activated.

I'm afraid I will have
to inform my superiors

that this estate is inadequate
for the requirements
of their jewelry competition.

Just a minute, Higgins.

Magnum!

Why was the Dracos Three
not activated last night?

I can explain that.
See, I was having
a little problem.

Problem? Problem?

Well, I was running
a routine check of the guests
for the competition and...

And?

And it broke.

Oh, my God!

It's not that bad, Higgins.

You've crashed
the Dracos Three!

You were playing
games again.

Games?

Don't lie to me,
Magnum.

You were playing
some insipid game

on Robin Masters'
$100,000 computer system!

It made me do it!
It what?

It made me do it!
It made you do it?

I came in here
to do my nightly check

and when I entered
my passcode,

the computer said,
"Hi, Magnum, want to
finish our game?"

You said you had erased
all those games.

Well, I must have
missed one.

Don't worry, Higgins, I'll
have this thing reprogrammed
before the competition.

You told him? Him?

Well, I had no choice.
It had to be reprogrammed
before it was too late.

It is already too late!

A representative of
the insurance company

breached the estate
last night,

including the safe.

They won't insure
the competition,

so there will be
no competition.

And it's all your fault!

Mac and I managed
to calm Higgins down.

Well, maybe "calm"
wasn't the right word,

but at least
he stopped yelling.

We convinced him
that Mac would be able
to reprogram the system

in time for the competition.

Now, the only thing
I had to do was
convince Miss Villoroch

not to pull the competition
from the estate.

Rick told me to look
for a snowflake

who double-billed
as the ice princess.

Miss Villoroch?

Yes.

My name is Thomas Magnum,

and I sort of
help with security
at the Masters Estate.

Oh.

Well, Higgins told me
that you were staying at
the Club and I thought that...

You thought
that you could talk me
out of filing my report.

Well, you're wasting
your time.

I think it's best
for all concerned

that the competition
be moved somewhere
more secure.

There is nowhere more secure
on the entire Island
than Robin's Nest.

Really?

Yes, really.
And if you would
just stop a minute

and listen to me,

I could tell you that,
number one,

you don't have
all the facts,

and number two,
in my opinion,

your little surprise visit
to the estate
was totally unfair.

I don't think that fairness
has anything to do
with the fact

that the estate
has inadequate security.

But the security computer
was down.

Excuses don't pay
insurance claims.

Okay, okay, you're right.
You're right.

But I think
the important thing
to remember here is

there was no way
that you would have been
able to penetrate the estate

if the computer
was functioning.

I wouldn't?

No, you wouldn't.

Is that a challenge?

Yes.

Accepted.

Sometime within
the next 24 hours,

I'll penetrate the estate,
enter the safe,

and remove what?

My ring.

Done.
Good.

Miss Villoroch?

There's a dinner
for the designers
and judges

at the Club tonight.

Would you like to go
as my guest?

Why would you want
to ask me to dinner?

Well, that way I'd know
you wouldn't be breaking
into the estate.

8:00?

Will you stop that?

I can't concentrate
with you pacing up and down
like a lion in heat.

Really?

What are you worried
about, Higgins?

Magnum got her to hold off
calling the insurance company

and I got this thing
accepting data.

Just a matter of time
before I'll have this baby
good as new.

And if it isn't, I shall have
to inform Mr. Masters
that his jewelry competition,

the Robin Masters'
International Design
Competition,

will not take place
at the Robin Masters Estate.

Well, Higgins, you know
my motto, "Life is hard,
and then you die."

That's positively
dysphoric.

Hi, guys.

Hey, you look terrific.

Thanks.

What are you doing
in a tuxedo?

I'm going
to the opening dinner for
the jewelry competition.

You're what?

I'm going to the dinner,
and, Higgins, I am taking
Krista Villoroch.

Well, that's
the most absurd thing
I've ever heard.

Why on earth
would you wanna take her
to the competition dinner?

And more importantly,
if you do go,

who's going to stay here
and watch him?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I don't need anybody
to stay here with me.

I mean, I don't want
a watchdog looking
over my shoulder.

I mean, here I am,
spending my own time,

helping you two protect
$170 million worth of jewelry,

and you treat me
like a criminal,
a common criminal.

You're right, Higgins.
One of us has to stay.

Precisely.

Now that we've reached
an understanding,

I estimate
that I shall be home
around 11:30.

No!

Wait a minute,
I have to go.

As the curator
of Robin Masters Estate,

it is my obligation
to represent him
at the opening dinner.

Higgins, I am taking Krista

so that I can
keep an eye on her.

As long as we're together,
she can't very well break
into the estate, now can she?

I suppose you're right.

You know I'm right.

Then I shall escort
Miss Villoroch to dinner.

No! Now, wait.
Wait a minute.
I mean, you can't.

I mean, well,
I mean, I have to.

I mean, she practically
begged me to take her.

I mean, how would it look
if you showed up
instead of me?

If she has
any sensitivities,

like a stroke of
incredible luck.

No!

I mean, come on, Higgins,
what if you can't
keep her there?

I mean, what if she left
the dinner and came back
and broke into the estate

before the Dracus Three
was functioning?

Dracos.
Dracus.

Dracos.
Whatever.

Anyway, look, I mean,
she'd have to withdraw
the competition,

and you'd have
to tell Robin.

Magnum, why do
I have the impression

that your sudden enthusiasm
for the estate's security

has something to do
with the fact
that Miss Villoroch

is a beautiful woman?

Higgins, please,
this is strictly business.

It had better be.

And you call me a con man.

I'm running a little late.
Would you put that
in the safe, please?

This? With the caliber
of jewelry at the dinner,

who on earth would want
to steal this?

Krista. I bet her
she couldn't. Bye, guys.

Why do I get the feeling
you're not having
a wonderful time?

I assure you,
it has nothing to do
with the company.

It's them.

Something about them
makes me, I don't know,
uncomfortable.

You know, I've been
trying to figure out
who they are.

Cartier, Tiffany, Bulgari.

You name any major jeweler,
and I assure you
they're represented here.

You see that woman
over there?
In the burgundy dress?

Where?

With the diamond choker.
Oh, yeah.

That's the Countess
Carolyn Lysanne,

one of the few successful
independent designers.

She only designs
for her friends,

a dark horse
in the competition.

She's a dark horse?

It's all politics.
Take the man next to her,
Karl Vandercliff.

He and his wife
have won this competition
three years running.

He finds the stones
and she designs the pieces.

Well, that sounds like
a very nice arrangement.

It's the stones that count.
They own several
South African diamond mines,

and have
one of the largest
private collections

of rare old stones
in the world.

I thought all diamonds
were old and rare.

I mean, stones that have been
passed around for centuries.

I know that.
It was just a joke.

You mean,
like the Hope Diamond?

And the Star of Tibet.

And

the one they have set
for this year's competition,

the Karachi Diamond.

It must be
4,000 years old.

Krista Villoroch,
I can't believe

you have the nerve
to show your face here!

Lenor, a pleasure as always.

I think it best
if you leave now, Krista.

Excuse me,
Miss Villoroch is my guest.

Then I suggest
you find out a little more
about the company you keep.

Like the fact that her father
is a professional jewel thief.

He's retired.

Well, then I suppose
you're here to continue
the family business?

I don't condone
my father's past,

but I'm not gonna spend
the rest of my life
apologizing for it.

Now, get out of my way
before I forget I'm a lady

and throw this drink
in your face.

You wouldn't dare.

Sorry. Excuse me.

You all right?

I think it best
if you just left me alone.

I don't wanna
just leave you alone,

I wanna know
if you're all right.

I will be.

I'm sorry about
what happened back there.

I'm sorry
if I embarrassed you.

I'm even sorry she happened
to be one of the people
my father robbed.

Well, it's like you said,

that's his past,
not yours.

Not many people
see it like that.

Oh, so your dad
did teach you.

It must have been
an exciting way
to grow up.

It was.

When I first found out
about Doc being a thief,
I was embarrassed.

Off in an expensive school
in Europe,

rubbing elbows
with the wealthiest kids
in the world,

whilst my father was
robbing their parents.

Well, at least you knew
they hung around
in the same circles.

It really doesn't
bother you, does it?

That your father was
a jewel thief, no.

Because you're not.

I could have been.

Doc was the best.

He taught me everything.

Now, I know
there's a segue

into insurance investigator
in here somewhere.

That was Doc's idea.

He made me promise
never to use what he had
taught me to steal.

So he contacted
the head of Wakeman,

and made them an offer
they couldn't refuse.

Precautionary investigator.

I've saved them a fortune
in claim payments.

And at the same time,

you get the thrill
of the heist.

No.

No thrills.

There's something
about knowing you have
to give it all back

that takes the danger away.

Well, somehow,

I think
you're dangerous enough
on your own.

I'm just very good
at what I do.

Got an intruder
in area 7.

It works!

Only if the intruder
is a ghost.

The cameras aren't
picking anyone up
in Area 7.

That's impossible.

Well, the important thing is,
we know someone's breaking in.

It doesn't do us a bloody
bit of good if we don't know
where they are.

You haven't opened
the lock yet?

I'm hooked.

Come on,
just tear it off.

This is one of my best
cashmere sweaters.

I'm not gonna tear it
any more than
it's already torn.

You wore a cashmere sweater
to a break in?

It was the only black sweater
that I had.

The point is
that all the sensors

have been connected
to the wrong computer inputs.

It's a minor
miscalculation.

As Magnum says,
the important thing is,
is that the system works.

Except for the fact
that we now have to figure out
what's connected to what.

Guys, please!

This was
my favorite sweater.

Bootsie gave this to me
on our anniversary.

I don't think three weeks
constitutes an anniversary.

Hey, what do you know?
I bet a woman
never gave you

an expensive gift
in your life.

T. C: Drop it, Orville.

Will you come on?
Open it, will you?
Open it!

I'm gonna open your nose
with those pliers,
if you don't shut up.

You'd think Thomas
would have left the lock
off for us.

T. C: Damn!
What?

He did.

Now, look what you did!
You broke the little contact
that hooks up to the thingy.

You're the one who
opened the window!

Good.
Now, you have 10 seconds
to type in the code

before the alarm goes off.

Code?

You didn't program in
a reset code?

I'm doing it now.

It won't accept
the code!

Well, of course
it won't accept the code,
it's in alarm mode!

That means the police
are getting an alarm!

I'll phone the police
and let them know.

What now?
The lines are dead!

Thomas, you owe me
200 bucks for
a new sweater!

What?

You owe me 200 bucks
for a new sweater!

Can't you turn
this thing off?

No!

Do something...

I thought things like that
only happened in movies.

Only in
Marx Brothers movies.

But when you're dealing
with my crack security team,
anything is likely to happen.

Oh, I wouldn't
say that.

You're very good
at what you do.

When you don't
allow distractions
to get in the way.

Distractions?

Games, friends...

A beautiful woman
on the beach?

You know,

it's my mistake, I...

I thought we were
going riding to spend
some time together.

I didn't realize this was
a distraction maneuver.

Who's distracting who?

As long as I'm here,
your ring is safe.

So, we're just playing games?

I never play
games of the heart.

Just games of the head?

Just the making of
a wonderful fantasy.

Here we are
on an empty beach
in paradise.

Two strangers on horseback.

If this were
the movie version,

I'd break into
a fast gallop
through the surf.

Oh, yeah?
And then what?

You'd chase me,

all in slow motion,
of course.
Of course.

With incredibly
romantic music.

Naturally.

And then, my horse
throws me into the surf,

and you leap off.

Leap?

And we kiss.

Of course, we could just
skip the preliminaries
and get to what matters.

Where's the sunset
when I need it?

Hi, Rick.

Ah, good.
I was just calling you.

This here,
is a repair bill
for my sweater.

And you're lucky that
the Tiny Tailor can repair it

or you'd be buying me
a new sweater.

Whatever you say.
What are you doing here?

My adding machine broke.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You mean there's
no argument, nothing?

What's to argue?
You helped me out,

you damaged your sweater
in the process.

The least I can do
is pay to repair it.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.
The computer is
working again,

the jewelry competition
is going to be held
at the estate,

and Krista is
having dinner
with me tonight.

That's strange.
Miss Villoroch invited me
to dine with her tonight.

What?

Miss Villoroch invited me
to dinner.

Why would she invite
the both of you to dinner?

Thomas, would you please
explain to these officers
what's going on?

You mean going to jail
isn't part of the game?

Not unless you would
derive some perverse
pleasure from it.

It's okay, guys, really.
She's just here
to check the security.

I thought
you did that this morning?

We were...

We were,
but Miss Villoroch represents
the insurance company,

and she had to approve
the system herself.

Funny way
to test a system.

Not really.

I assure you, the next time
you hear this alarm,

it will be for
a real emergency only.

Next time you wanna
test your system,

why don't you
let us know in advance?

Of course, and if there's
anything we can do...

You can fill out
this report.

I lose.

You got the ring.

I got caught.

What I want to know
is what I missed.

Infra-red security system
on the inside of the safe.

Impossible.
I have special lenses that
would have caught that.

It's passive.
It's activated by
the heat of your hand.

I'm proud of you, Krista.

You're the best daughter
a father could have.

A toast.

To the two greatest
jewel thieves of all time.

Us.

Beautiful,
isn't it?

Beautiful.

I meant the Karachi.

Well, I don't know.

It's a little much
for my taste.

It's perfect.

Doc used to
tell me bedtime stories
about this stone,

how it was taken in ransom
for a Persian emperor
by Alexander the Great.

Then stolen years later,
during the Crusades,

as a gift for
the throne of England.

Only it never
made it to the court
of Richard the Lion-Hearted.

Legend says that
a thousand men were executed

trying to find
its whereabouts.

Charming bedtime stories.

How did the present owner
get his hands on it?

No one knows for certain.

It was in Hitler's collection
during the Second World War

and ended up
in South America.

Rumor has it
that Lenor Vandercliff
bought it from Martin Bormann

in the late '50s.

The woman you shared
your champagne with
at the opening dinner?

Right.

Well,

maybe she won't win.

I don't hold grudges,
Thomas.

There are better ways
to expend one's time
and energy.

What's this one?
- This is out of
the Bulgari Collection.

You can see the consistency
of the style and the use
of the multicolored...

This is damned awkward.

Miss Villoroch,
I'm afraid Lenor Vandercliff

has threatened
to pull her entry
from the competition

if I do not ask you
to leave the premises.

No, she's not leaving.

It's all right,
I'll go.

No.

I consider it
in very poor taste.

As far as I'm concerned,
you're welcome to stay,

regardless of
the consequences.

No. It's all right,
really.

We wouldn't want the Karachi
pulled from the competition.

This competition has
been a great burden,
and I won't rest

until the final photographs
are taken tomorrow

and the jewels are returned
to their owners.

Just one more night.

Again, Miss Villoroch,
my humble apologies.

No need.

I'll see you
to the door.

I think I'll go back
in there

and throw champagne
in her face, and Higgins'.

No, it's just a waste of...
A waste of good champagne.

Or we could steal
the Karachi.

If we're gonna
steal the Karachi,

why not take
the entire collection?

We could plan a strategy
over dinner.

What strategy?
You've already done it twice.

The third time
would require something new.

I'll tell you
all about it at dinner.

Thank you.

Shall we make it
Ma Mer at 9:00?

9:00.

Ladies and gentlemen,
honored guests,
and participants

in the 5th Annual
Robin Masters' International
Design Competition.

This afternoon, we are honored
to have 10 of the world's
top jewelry designers

grace us with
their magnificent creations.

Jewelry design is an art form
as old as time itself.

Man has always
adorned himself,

in one form or another,

with pieces of the beauty
that surrounds him.

These talented men and women
have combined the treasures
of the earth and the sea

with their own creative
visions, and brought them here
to share with us today.

Certainly, each of
these superb designs
deserves an award,

but there is only one to win.

Thus, I offer
my heartfelt appreciation,

and hope for
their continued success.

Now, I won't keep you
in anguish any longer,

because I know
what you really want

is to get this over with
and get on with the banquet.

It gives me great pleasure
to announce the winner
of this year's competition.

For the fourth
consecutive year,

Lenor Vandercliff,
for her masterpiece creation,

the Karachi Necklace.

Thank you.

I am, quite literally,
speechless.

Winning the Robin Masters'
Competition is by far
the most gratifying reward...

I couldn't help but
wonder if Lenor Vandercliff
would keep designing jewelry

if there were
no competition to enter,
no games to keep her going.

And then I thought
about Krista.

She was asking me to trust
that she would walk away
from $170 million,

that she would intentionally
throw the game.

And I suddenly realized,
I really wanted
to believe that.

We already know
we can do it, Doc.

It doesn't mean we have to.

Krista,

are you falling in love
with a man you only met
two days ago?

Of course not.
And don't change the subject.

The subject is
$170 million worth
of jewelry.

It's the theft
of a lifetime.

You just can't ask me
to throw it away.

It's too dangerous.

There's no thrill
if there's no danger.

I don't want you to spend
the rest of your life
in prison.

There are not
that many more years left.

I know.

That's why I don't want
to waste them.

You don't want
to waste them?

Yes,

like all the years
you spent tripping
around the world,

whilst I was in
one boarding school
or another.

All the Christmases alone
because that was
your best season.

God, Doc, why do you
think I asked you to
teach me everything?

I just wanted some way
we could be together.

Krista,

I love you,

but you can't ask me
to turn my back

on the most famous
jewelry theft
in all of history.

I've breached that estate
twice in the past two days.

We've already proved
we can do it.

It's not the same thing.

What you did
was an exercise.

There's a difference
when it's real.

There's that moment
in the heart of a theft

when your blood turns to ice
and the sweat blinds you,

and if you can't
shut off the fear,
you just might miss

that one something
that'll get you caught.

Where the hell
is the thrill?

Just on the other side.

The most incredible high
in the world.

Share it with me, Krista.

It's like nothing
you'll ever experience.
Nothing!

I decided to believe
in my emotions and show up.

Maybe this was one game
that could end in a draw.

You're not changing
anything, are you?

No, not tonight.

If something's not right,
it stays as is.

I appreciate your vigilance
regarding this whole
sordid incident.

I need all the help
I can get.

I've even decided to place
the lads inside the den
as a precautionary measure.

Dogs on duty, huh, guys?

Yes. So, I want to bypass
the carpet sensors in there.

Bypass?

The sensors don't
show anything.

It's probably those
hang-glider people

celebrating the coming
of the Kona winds.

Would you care to order,
Magnum?

It doesn't look like
your friend's gonna
show up.

Oh, I'll wait
a little longer. Thanks.

I will have
another beer though, Larry.

You were wonderful,
Krista, wonderful!

I wish I could have...

The drawers are all empty!

What the hell?

Excuse me, Magnum,
but a lady asked me
to give this to you.

She said to say thanks.
She owes you one.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, Larry,
I'll have an 18-ounce
New York charred rare

with some baked potato skins
and some extra parsley.

And I think I'll have
a scotch this time.