Magnum, P.I. (1980–1988): Season 1, Episode 1 - Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii - full transcript

It's funny the things a grown man
will do for a living.

Especially me. Take this morning, I'm
breaking into Robin Masters's estate.

You know, the writer.
The one with all those best sellers.

All that money.

No, that's not Robin.
That's ex-Sergeant Major Higgins.

He's sort of the majordomo
around here.

Robin flies in
once or twice a year.

The rest of the time
the estate is open to his friends.

Higgins's job is to see
that they're well bedded,

fed, watered and protected.

Zeus! Apollo!
At your posts, lads!



Me? I live here too.
So, why am I breaking in?

Well, I made a deal with Robin
to run a series of security checks...

in exchange for living free
in the guesthouse.

First check was to
try and steal the Ferrari.

I thought I made
a pretty good deal.

Then I met Higgins.

He takes his job
much too seriously.

Morning, me beauties.

Like I said, funny the things
a grown man will do for a living.

But I've done funnier.

Go, lads!

Hi, guys.

Zeus? Apollo?

Don't look at the dogs,
work the lock.



Work the lock. Work the lock.
Don't look at the dogs.

You looked at the dogs.

Sometimes everything goes
exactly as planned.

Sometimes it doesn't.

Overnight, Higgins had installed
an alarm system.

It activated the moment
I opened the door,

which meant I had less than a minute
to figure the combination.

After that, a siren would go off,
the fuel pump would lock...

and it would take nitro
to move Robin's Ferrari.

Hi. You here for the weekend?
Hi.

Yeah. It's a great place. You'll love it.
It's got everything.

You wouldn't happen to know the
combination of this alarm, would you?

Are you stealing Robin's car?

Uh, no. Well, sort of,
but it's okay.

It's a security check.
It's just sort of a game.

Higgins would have picked a number that
he was familiar with, like the address.

Or the zip code.

Or maybe
his social security number.

- You know his social security number?
- No.

The phone. He used Robin
Masters's personal phone number.

No!

I'd invite you girls to breakfast,

but I gotta pick up a buddy
flying in from Tokyo.

Don't worry, Higgins.
I'll drive careful.

Higgins, you yo-yo.

Give it up, lads.

If you're wondering
how I could be so sure...

the combination
was the phone number,

if it wasn't,
Higgins would have won.

And fate just wouldn't
do that to me.

Welcome to Oahu.

Although you are military personnel
and Hickam is a military field,

you'll still have to go through
U.S. Customs,

which won't look the other way just
because we're both paid by Uncle Sam.

So, if you're carrying
any illegal souvenirs from Japan,

I suggest you leave them
on the aircraft.

This briefcase
your only luggage, Lieutenant?

That's it.

You have a release for these?
They're photocopies.

But of what, Lieutenant?
I don't read Japanese.

I guess it's okay.

Thanks.

What's he, C.I.A.?

N.I.A. The navy's version.

Might be a few minutes late
picking Dan up,

but, uh, when he saw the Ferrari,
he'd forgive me.

Ski! Lieutenant Magnum.

It's not lieutenant
anymore, Ski.

You know, I haven't seen you
since you beached yourself,

what, uh, four, five months ago?
More like a year.

I heard you're playing like a detective.
Investigator, Ski.

Private investigator.

Look. Lieutenant Cook's comin' in
from Tokyo on a max flight.

I gotta pick him up.
If I go through Hickam's main gate,

I'm gonna be filling out paper
till next Sunday.

No sweat, Lieutenant. This oughta get you
just about anywhere on Pearl or Hickam.

Thanks, Ski. Nice set of wheels you
got here. Where'd you steal her?

What makes you think
she isn't mine?

- No!
- Geez.

Halt. Are you Lieutenant Cook?
Sir.

Captain Cooly would like to
see you right away, sir.

Captain Cooly. What, now?
Yes, sir.

Uh, I have a vehicle
waiting right here, sir.

Magnum. Pull over, driver.
That's the guy that's meeting me.

How did he get that car?
I said pull over, driver.

Can't do that, Lieutenant.

What do you mean
you can't do that?

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Have a nice day, brahda.

Magnum! Mag...

I understand, sir, that the medical examiners
here got all the tough cases from Vietnam.

The ones they couldn't identify
through dog tags and dental records.

You know, they put a name on everybody?
Every single one.

It's probably the first time in the history
of warfare every K.I.A. has been identified.

Too damn bad.
Beg your pardon, sir?

There'll be no monuments erected to
the boys that fought in Vietnam.

Hippies have seen to that. The most we could
expect was to share in a little glory...

to have buried an unidentified body from that war
besides the others at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

These medical examiners
deprived us of that, Ensign.

I see what you mean, sir.

There is evidence of a small
abdominal wall hematoma,

suggesting blunt-force trauma.

He may have been punched
in the stomach.

Almost done, Captain.
Found a cause of death yet?

Massive pulmonary edema and cyanosis,
probably induced by cocaine.

What?

We found a dozen plastic packets
in his stomach.

Some of them burst.
I'm having them analyzed now,

but odds are
they contained cocaine.

How did packets of cocaine
get into Lieutenant Cook's stomach?

It happens all the time, I'm afraid. Swallow
the packets before boarding the plane,

then retrieve the packets
from the digestive system.

Uh, it's a foolproof way
of smuggling everything...

- from dope to diamonds.
- Are you sure it's cocaine?

I'm waiting for the tox screen and
the residue analysis to confirm it.

This is going to be very hard
on Admiral Cook.

- His father is Admiral Raleigh Cook?
- Uh, yes, sir.

Does the admiral have to be informed of...
all the details, sir?

What do you suggest, Ensign?
We tell him his son swallowed...

a dozen cocaine packets
by mistake?

No, sir.
I mean, the lieutenant's dead.

I just thought we could get
around some of the details.

It could be done, Captain, unless Admiral
Cook pushed for more information.

We could release it as an accidental
overdose, which of course it was.

I don't think he planned
on the packets bursting.

Ensign Healy, first thing in the morning, I
wanna draw up a letter of recommendation.

- Sir?
- I'm gonna recommend...

Lieutenant Cook's military rights
and benefits be revoked.

This officer died in the commission of
a felony. He disgraced his uniform.

If he were alive, I'd court-martial
him and I'd deep-six him.

His being dead doesn't change
that, no matter whose son he is.

Good night, gentlemen.

I don't know what you did
to your C.O., son,

but you sure ticked him off.

Hi, guys. Higgins!

Higgins.!

Higgins.!

Zeus! Apollo! Bad dogs!

Let the nice man out of the car.

Oh, it's all right.
The dogs will stay with us.

They seem to like you. ja.

Uh, why don't they like me?

Mr. Higgins doesn't like you,
and they're his dogs.

I think he tells them bad things about you.
I think you're right.

Zeus! Apollo!
Where are you, lads?

It's all right, Higgins.
They're with me.

Right.

Thanks for the escort.
Now that I'm safely home,

you can go back to your swim.

The tidal pool sure looks
good in the moonlight.

Yes, it's going to be nice to get out
of the suits and back in the water.

Yeah, why don't you join us?

Oh, sure, great.
I'll just get my trunks.

If you wish.

Pearl Harbor Naval Base.

Uh, Lieutenant Cook,
Bachelor Officers' Quarters, please.

One moment, please. It's
extension number... No, wait.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Lieutenant Cook's quarters.

You're gonna wish you didn't stand
me up at the airport, old buddy.

Who's this? This is Magnum.
Who are you?

Magnum, this is Ensign Healy.

I came aboard a couple weeks
before you left, remember?

Oh, Healy, yeah.
L.S.U. quarterback, right?

Right. Well, put Lieutenant
Cook on, will ya?

I'm sorry, Magnum, I can't.
He's dead.

Magnum? Did you hear me?

Homeward Angel, do you read me?

Homeward Angel. Homeward
Angel, do you read me?

Homeward Angel. Homeward
Angel, do you read me?

Homeward Angel, do you read me?

Homeward Angel, do you read me?

Hi, guys. Magnum,
you're late again.

You know, Dan,
I've been thinking.

Yeah, I know. You wanna resign.

Well, it's not that I don't appreciate what
the navy's done for me... college education,

foreign travel, nice uniform.

Magnum, every time we get
shot up, you wanna resign.

You think I'm crazy, huh?

Hell, no. The reason I'm here...

is because my old man
expects it out of me.

Phillipe and Pepe
don't know anything else.

They've been fighting Charlie
since they were 10.

Eight. Homeward Angel,
do you read me?

You got nothing holding you.

You put in your tour.
You can get out.

Can't do that. Why not?

We're a team.
Can't split up the team.

Only thing keeping
you guys alive is me.

Wonder if T.C. forgot
to set his alarm again.

For Washington, D.C.
and San Francisco...

is now arriving at Gate 7
on the upper concourse.

All night long, one thought
ran over and over through my head.

If I'd been on time, maybe...

somehow I could have
saved Dan's life.

Made meeting his father
and sister even tougher.

Admiral Cook I could talk to,
but Alice.

What do you say
to your buddy's kid sister?

Nancy Swindell, please report
to Baggage Checkpoint ""A. '"

Nancy Swindell,
to Baggage Check ""A. '"

Alice?

Thomas.

You look terrific.
Doesn't he look terrific?

T-Terrific. And big too.

Oh, yeah.
Tom always was a big'un.

- Where's your father?
- Washington. Senate hearings.

Oh, um, Thomas Magnum,
I'd like you to meet Sam.

Uh, Jones. Sam Jones.
Industrial grommets.

That's right. Sam Jones,
"industrial gommets."

Thomas Magnum, Sam Jones.

Tom.

Oh!

We had just a little
too much to drink.

Let's get your bags
and some air.

Uh, here, listen.
I was going to get her bags.

I didn't know her boyfriend
was meeting her.

Are you my boyfriend, Thomas?

Well, are you?

The first time
we were stationed at Pearl,

I was four and Dan was nine.

That was when Dad
had command of, uh...

I don't even remember.
Which carrier was that, Thomas?

The Princeton.
That's right. The Sweet Pea.

I remember Mom had to... had to
join Dad a little bit before us,

so they could find a place
for us to live and everything.

And that meant that... that Dan and
I got to fly out all by ourselves.

Dan and Alice. Just...

Alice and Dan.

All the way from Aunt Helen's
in Columbus, Ohio...

to Honolulu, O"ahu.

God, I was so scared.

You know what Dan did?
What'd he do, Alice?

He held my hand.

For 14 hours, he held my hand.

Just so that I wouldn't be scared.

All the way
from Columbus to Hawaii.

I don't think
I ever thanked him for that.

Something just went out of Dad
when he got the word.

Something I don't think
will ever come back.

Suddenly he's old.

Come on, Alice.
The admiral will outlive us both.

No. No, he won't, Tom.

It's terrible to say this,
but I think if...

if Dan had died when the two
of you were in Vietnam,

Dad could have handled that.

Not like this.

For God's sake, Alice, you don't believe
what Cooly released to the press?

That's just to let the people who
murdered Dan think they got away with it.

Did Captain Cooly tell you that?

Alice, the navy and I aren't exactly
on speaking terms since I resigned,

but it's the only thing
that makes sense.

Tom,

Dad was officially informed
by Captain Cooly...

that Dan died when drugs he was
smuggling in his stomach...

got absorbed into his system.

The navy's not even gonna let us
bury him with military honors.

That's crazy. What did Cooly say
when the admiral called him?

Dad never called.

Alice, your father is a retired war hero.
He's a flag officer to boot.

Now he could get the Seventh Fleet moved here
if that's what it took to find Dan's killers.

Sure he could, but he won't.

For God's sake, why not?
Because what if it's true?

What if Dan was smuggling?

I don't believe you said that.

I did not say it. My father said it.
Tom, look.

Part of Dad knows that Dan
could never do anything like that.

But that other part of him,
that navy part of him,

that military man just cannot
disbelieve an official report...

that is signed by Captain Cooly and a navy
doctor and half a dozen other people.

Now you tell me,
are they all lying?

I don't know. Maybe.

But we'll never find out
if somebody doesn't challenge them.

Well, it is not going to be Dad.

You mean he's just going to
accept that report?

Yes.

But he's hoping you won't.

Excu... Excuse me!

What's this crap
about Dan Cook smuggling coke?

Sorry, sir. He never stopped.
It's all right. It's all right.

It's all right. Now return
to your desk, Bellman.

You know, Magnum,
one of my fondest memories...

will always be the day
you resigned your commission.

Watching the shore patrol
toss your butt off this station...

You want to tell me
why you're writing Dan off,

or do you want the shore patrol
to charge me with assault?

Oh, for God's sakes.
You don't actually believe...

that Dan Cook swallowed a dozen packets of
coke to smuggle it in the Islands, do you?

It's rather disgusting
when you think about it, but yes.

And it's rather stupid,
considering his N.I.A. clearance...

could have got him past any
custom check in the free world.

He wasn't in Tokyo
on an N.I.A. investigation...

because I didn't assign him anything that
would take him beyond the main gate.

It's right in the report there.

I don't give a damn
what's in the report!

Dan Cook was in Tokyo
on a navy investigation,

not to smuggle.
How do you know that?

Because he wired me in Tokyo
to pick him up at the airport.

He said he was on an important case.
He wanted my help.

What case? I don't know.
He never met me.

You don't know?

You barge into this office.
You threaten me.

You accuse me of not doing my duty,
and all you can say is you don't know.

Captain Cooly, look. I realize
that you never liked Dan or me,

but you can't let
a petty jealousy interfere...

Petty jealousy? Petty?

Here. Look. You see this?

It took me three wars
and 30 years to earn this.

That's 30 years of sweating, of bleeding,
laughing at stupid admirals' jokes,

volunteering to serve on the
rust buckets of this navy.

I figured it'd take the two of
you half that to make captain.

What are you? Hmm?
Are you smarter than me?

Are you better sailors?
More dedicated officers?

No. I'll tell you what you were, mister.
You were connected.

Captain Cooly. Who got the two
of you appointed to Annapolis?

Who got your Navy Crosses approved? Who was gonna get you
your scrambled eggs in half the time it takes to earn them?

I'll tell you who... Admiral
Raleigh Cook, that's who.

Now not covering up for his son may seem
like petty jealousy to you, mister,

but to me, it's poetic justice.

Now, since you are no longer a part of this
man's navy, get your butt off this station.

If you ever show it here again,
I'm gonna charge you with everything...

from espionage
to indecent exposure.

You hear me, mister?

Loud and clear.

Dan Cook was murdered,
and I'm gonna prove it.

And when I do,
you can kiss those gold stripes...

you spent 30 years
egg-sucking' for good-bye.

Hey, L.S.U., buy you a beer?

Ah, sorry, late for a date. Maybe
some other time. See y'all later.

Come on, one beer!

Come on, Magnum.
Gimme a break, will ya?

I told you he wasn't on any
official investigation in Tokyo.

Oh, come on. He didn't fly up and
back in 24 hours on an R& R.

Magnum, he was smuggling coke.

Dan Cook and I ate, played, worked
and damn near died together.

He was closer to me than a brother, and
I'm telling you he wasn't a coke runner.

Okay, okay, okay.
Just calm down.

What do you want from me?

I want Dan's case files.

I don't believe this.

Look, Magnum, I can get my butt
in big trouble just talking to you.

I didn't know Lieutenant Cook
all that well.

We served in the same outfit,
that's all.

He seemed like a real nice guy,
but he wasn't a close friend.

And I'm not gonna risk scuttling my naval
career by hacking off the C.O., okay?

Okay. So he wasn't a buddy.

He was a fellow officer,
and somebody killed him.

I don't know that.
I saw the autopsy report.

How do you explain the fact that he
had bruises on his stomach lining?

Somebody punched him.

Maybe he tripped and fell against
something. On his stomach?

Okay, okay.

Well, I mean, even if he
was punched, so what?

Nobody stuffs 10 ounces of coke
down your gut just to kill ya.

Come on. It's worth too much.

What if 10 ounces is nothing compared
to what you could sell on the market?

Come on, Magnum. That's really reaching.
Don't you think?

Yeah, but it's possible.

Okay, okay, Magnum.
I'll admit. It's possible.

All right then, help me. At least
tell me what Dan was working on.

Nothing.
At least nothing important.

Captain Cooly treated Lieutenant Cook
like some wet-behind-the-ears ensign.

He had him doing all kinds of things.
Checking out footlocker thefts,

penny-ante pilfering,
uh, falsified dependent claims.

I mean, every petty job
except scraping barnacles.

Maybe that's why I never
got to know him that well.

He was always on the old man's list, and I
wasn't about to make it by association,

if you know what I mean.
Yeah, I know.

But I also know that Dan Cook
was in Tokyo on official business,

no matter what Cooly says.

Now there had to be something in
Japan that N.I.A. was investigating.

Nothing. Oh, excuse me.

There was a 30-year-old
Japanese Zero.

What Zero?

A couple months ago, some kids were
skin-diving off one of the islands.

They came across some old aircraft wreckage.
We were called in to investigate.

It turned out to be a Zero shot down
during the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Maybe Lieutenant Cook was in Tokyo to give
the Japanese the details. I don't know.

He wasn't working on any drug cases?
Anything big?

Captain Cooly wouldn't
give him anything big.

Look, Healy, I don't wanna
ruin your career. I just...

Look. If you won't give me
Dan's case files,

will you at least call me
if you hear anything?

Okay, Magnum.

I just hope I don't end up
on the beach.

See you, Magnum.

I understand.

Hmm.

You're making a mess.
Look at that.

What'd he say? Kill him.

Okay. Is that better?

Yeah. Come on.

Hey, he's taking the freeway.

Okay, okay, I'll catch
him at the next on-ramp.

Despite what Ensign Healy said,

Dan's death had to be connected
to some case he was investigating.

It was the only thing
that made sense.

Either that or he had been smuggling
coke, and that was impossible.

I'd known Dan too long,

put my life in his hands
too many times in 'Nam...

not to know exactly
what he could and couldn't do.

He could no more smuggle coke
than breathe underwater.

No, the connection,

the reason for his murder,
was somewhere in his case files.

And if Healy wouldn't give
'em to me, I'd steal 'em.

Alice's flight home with Dan's body
would be taking off about now.

Part of me wished
I was with her.

I didn't know what I could do to help.
Maybe just hold her hand.

About the time my heart started again,
I realized whoever was on my tail,

didn't have enough car to catch me, so I
started worrying about wrecking the Ferrari.

I know it's crazy, but that's
what was going through my head.

How could I pay for
a totaled 60,000 buck Ferrari?

Then I quit worrying.

It would take all night
to explain to 5-O...

why a couple of yo-yos with a
machine gun tried to kill me.

Especially since I didn't know.

And since there was nothing I could do for
them, I decided to do the best thing for me...

get the hell outta there.

I don't want you to think
I was scared or anything.

Of course, I didn't go over 35
the rest of the way home.

After being nearly killed
on the Pali Highway,

tangling with Zeus and Apollo
was gonna seem like child's play.

At least they didn't have guns.

Zeus? Apollo?

Hi, guys.

Zeus?

Apollo?

Zeus?

Apollo? Hi, guys.

Higgins, what are you doing?

I thought we should have
a bit of a chat.

Fine, but I need a drink. What would
you like? Beer? Whiskey? Bones?

Easy, lads.

Since you obviously intend to leech off
Robin Masters for the rest of your...

Now you hold it!

And that goes for you too.

Look. Somebody just tried
to run me off the Pali.

In Robin Masters's Ferrari?

Forget it.
What do you want, Higgins?

Mr. Masters called a while ago
to congratulate me.

He received your cable saying
that I had passed the first test.

That security here
was impenetrable.

Well, I figured it is...
to anyone but me.

Why'd you do it, Magnum?

Hey, so you owe me one.

Since you obviously intend to continue
living here on a permanent basis,

we should set up
our territorial prerogatives.

Our what?

The main house, stables, tennis courts
and grounds will be my territory.

You'll have the guesthouse
and the car.

The tidal pool I think
we could consider a D.M.Z.

You're serious. Quite.

Well, what if I want to use
the stables or the tennis courts?

I would expect to be informed of such
incursions prior to their occurrence.

Agreed?

Why not?

Good. I'll have that drink now.
Whiskey, if you please.

Don't ruin my whiskey with ice.
I'm not a bloody American.

Sorry.

To territorial prerogatives. First
drink's always to the regiment.

To the Prince of Wales's
own West Yorkshire Regiment.

The regiment.

The lads and I
have guests to look after.

It's a pity you couldn't have
been more like your sister.

Come, lads.

Rick's Place.

It's Magnum.
Let me talk to Rick.

Hang on.

Okay, shoot. It's your nickel.

Rick, I need a couple favors.
You name it, buddy.

Two guys tried to run me
off the Pali Highway.

They deep-sixed about a mile past Lani
Lookout. Can you make 'em for me?

Are they dead?
Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Okay, no problem. Next.

What's the word on Dan's death?
You're not gonna like it.

Street says that
he was a lone wolf,

muling for some dwarf dicer
who connected on a three slot.

Rick, you don't speak English, I'm gonna
tell all of Honolulu your real name.

Okay, okay.
Take it easy, will you?

He was smuggling
for some small-time dealer...

who made his sales
on a pay phone, okay?

No, it's not okay.
Not Dan. He was one of us.

Look, Magnum. 'Nam was a long time ago.
Guys change, you know.

Rick, he was a pal.
He wasn't muling for anyone.

He was iced
with 10 ounces of coke.

Am I speaking your language?
Next.

Set a meet with Snow White.
Snow White?

What are you, nuts? Where do I get the Seven
Dwarfs to pull you out of the ocean, pal?

You know anyone besides Snow White
who can waste 10 ounces of coke on a hit?

No. All right, you win.
Midnight here.

Great. Thanks, buddy.
I owe you one.

Of all the cheap gin joints
in the world...

Why did you have to go
and pick mine, sweetheart?

- Find the soap?
- Oh.! Oh, Thomas.!

Oh.!

Think you're cute, don't you?
I don't know. Am I, sis?

I just said that to get him
to let me in here.

What'd you do
to that little man, anyway?

That is not what we're going to discuss.
You were supposed to be on a plane.

Okay, now look.
Before you say one word,

I want you to listen to me,
okay, Thomas?

Now we've known each other
since you and Dan were midshipmen.

And you know that when I want something,
I go after it until I get it.

And the only person on this island who wants
to find Dan's killer more than you is me.

And since you're the only one who's doing
anything about it, I'm sticking with you.

Now, I thought it over twice,
and that's it.

Any questions?

Yeah, one. Shoot.

Who sleeps on the couch,

sis?

Oh, Thomas.

What's this?

Dan's dog tags.

The navy gave me all of that. It's the
personal effects he had on him when he died.

I'll let you get some clothes on.

Yeah, I-I didn't find any
hotel receipts from Tokyo.

He wasn't there that long.

There was a receipt for some
photocopies he had done...

at the Imperial War Records section
of the Japanese Navy.

Do you think that could be important?
Well, it could prove...

he was in Tokyo
on an N.I.A. investigation.

Alice, where's the team ring?

In the envelope.

Water Bug Blue, Water Bug Blue,
this is Homeward Angel.

You guys down there?

Water Bug Blue, Water Bug Blue,
this is Homeward Angel.

Water Bug Blue, Water Bug Blue,
this is Homeward Angel.

Where have you been, mon ami?

My alarm didn't go off. Hope you
didn't have any pressing engagements.

No, nothing important.

You sound 2,000 or 3,000 meters
south of us.

Reloading!

You're moving away! Reverse course!
Reverse course!

Understood. Turning north.

You sound hot.

Oui. Charlie got us.

You see 'em, Orville?

Negative. We gotta hope
they're near that river.

Water Bug Blue, Water Bug Blue, if you guys
wanna sleep on your own straw tonight,

you better make
like the Fourth of July.

There's a river wide enough for a pickup.
I'll guide you to her.

There's a river.
He needs a flare!

Gotcha! Gotcha. The river's 500
meters due west of your position.

Due west.

Get goin'. I'll cover.

Did you find the ring?

Are you all right, Tom?

Fine.