Magic for Humans (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Self Care - full transcript

Did you get enough sleep?

It comes and goes.

I don't know if you can tell.
I'm... kind of not caring today.

Okay, I caught the vibe.

Do you take care of yourself?
You've got... What?

- 20 gallons of water in your hand.
- Yeah. You know, I have a theory.

If you stay hydrated,
you can never be thirsty.

No one likes a thirsty person.

Can you tell I'm not hydrated?

Your skin looks great, though.
You definitely hydrate.

- My skin's okay...
- I'm not seeing any pores.



- I've got these bags under my eyes.
- Yeah. Yeah

Want me to show you how
I get rid of the bags?

- Yeah. Sure.
- Hold that for me, if you don't mind.

I just need to...

Oh, my god. Whoa!

Oh, oh, gosh.

Pull it out.

There we go.

Oh.

Eww.

I know it looks painful.

Oh, my god.

It's very... it's very painful.

Whoo.



- Okay, so this is part two?
- This is part two.

- This takes a massage technique.
- Ooh.

Okay.

There we go.

Oh no, I think I see it.

- What do you see?
- I think I see a bag.

- I can't see it. So, obviously...
- Yeah, it's out.

It's out...
Feel like I'm directing a birth.

Oh, my...

Wow.

Ugh.

I got my tea now.

- How does it taste?
- Salty.

I've heard you need to devote
a little time to you

if you're going to be the best you
for others, so...

I decided to dive head-first
into the art of self care.

I think it's working.

I can feel a weight being lifted.

Mmm.

Okay.

Time's up.

That's enough of that.

I suck at self care...
and these days, I need it more than ever.

So it's finally time
to figure this thing out.

When most people think of self-care,
they think of the spa.

Not me, though.

I don't get what's so relaxing
about letting a stranger do this.

- I'm gonna need a massage after this.
- Yeah.

Some spas even go the extra mile

and offer pricey add-ons,

like bird poop facials and snakes.

Which got me wondering: would magic
make a good add-on to a massage?

I went to my neighborhood spa
to find out...

and maybe pick up a few self-care
pointers along the way.

Hey dude, this looks relaxing.

- You talking to me?
- Yeah.

It is.

My name's Justin.

Nice to meet you, Justin.

I'm Denzel.

- Denzel, I have a deck of cards.
- You've got one?

Yes, I'm going to spread them out
on your back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Denzel, think of any one of the 52 cards.

Queen of hearts.

Queen of hearts.

Ah, it's right there.

Is this the card you mean?

Yes, sir.

Okay, good.

Would you hold this?

Put it back in the deck.

She's putting the card back in...
Right in here.

- Okay.
- That's good.

Okay.

I'm going to put the deck
on your back.

Got it.

Have you ever heard of a reiki massage?

A reiki massage? No, I haven't.

Instead of touching you,
it uses energy.

Oh, that's tight.

I just make the energy...

and I use the energy to cut the deck.

Whoa.

Eve...

look at the card.

Wow.

Great.

- What just happened?
- I just did reiki for the first time.

On your back.

And I found your card.

It was amazing.

You should have seen it.

I wish I could have, man.

The spa is not
the only place to go for rejuvenation,

They say any activity
that makes your life better is self care.

It could be as simple
as doing laundry.

How's it going?

- It's good.
- Laundry day.

- Yeah.
- Heading to the dryer next, right?

- Yeah, of course.
- How did I know?

- What do you love about laundry?
- Um...

Oh, inhaling the clean odor.

I love it.

- I find it to be so meditative.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Watching the machine turn around.

Okay.

- I zone out. It's beautiful.
- Yeah. I have a rabbit,

and she tilts side to side.

When she does that, they...

It's for comforting.

- Yeah?
- So, she goes back and forth.

- So sometimes I do that too.
- Huh.

All you have left is the socks.

- Just the socks.
- I love folding socks.

- You like folding socks?
- May I fold your socks?

Can I see?

Oh, wow. Colorful!

Some people don't like folding socks.

I have a technique.
I find it very enjoyable.

I find that if you become
one with the socks,

then the socks become one with themselves.

- Okay.
- Watch, it just takes a little shake.

It's kind of a fluff and fold
technique that I do...

gradually.

There we go.

They are fluffed, and now they are...

folded.

I didn't see that coming.

Hold this.

Okay. See, I think
that the individual sheets are too small.

And sometimes I wish...
I could just, like...

snuggle up in...

all this...

freshness, you know,
just make a giant blanket.

If it's okay, I might as well use...

Everything. Yeah.

Great, great...

Mmm.
I just say, "Ding, dong magic,"

- and look, it kind of makes a blanket.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Much better blanket, right?
- It is.

- Isn't that nice? Here.
- Yes, I love it.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, splurge a little bit.

Wow. That is so cool.

Even when annoying things happen
at the laundromat,

I try not to let it bum me out.
Like, I ran the dryer too long.

- Uh-oh.
- Okay?

- Uh-huh.
- It was one of my favorite pairs.

See, I love this.

- This is my cozy, red hooded...
- Right.

You know, over-drying means that
too much moisture was taken out.

Right.

You hang the shrunken item
onto a coat hanger.

- Okay.
- We'll zip it up here.

- And... okay.
- Okay.

I use the... the hamper here.

Just give it a spritz.

- Just... just spray it?
- Yeah.

Perfect. That's good.
I'll just give it a little shake here.

There we go.

Look at that.

Back to full size.

Oh, yeah, now feel that.

- It's got that perfect... texture.
- Oh!

It's very subtle, but...

- It smells good.
- Yeah, it does.

Yeah. Thanks, man.

How's it going?

I'm good. You?

- Justin. I'm good.
- Martin.

You're on Trick Questions.

- For real?
- For real.

I'm gonna show you a trick.
You gotta watch close,

'cause I'm going to ask you a question.
Ready?

Mm-hmm.

A deck of cards...

contains 52 cards.

Name any card.

Um...

- Ace of clubs.
- Ace of clubs.

- Yeah.
- By the way. You like my necklace?

It's alright.

It's a little plain?

- Yeah a little bit.
- Alright.

Ace of clubs.

Damn.

That's crazy.

- For real. Crazy.
- Here.

My gift to you.

Whoa. Thank you so much.

Damn! Drip.

Here's your question: Stephen Hawking,
Neil deGrasse Tyson, Albert Einstein...

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I didn't even ask the question... yet.

Oh.

Trick questions!

Doing laundry can get stains
out of your clothes.

But if you wanna get stains out of
your mind, you're gonna need therapy.

However, it takes trained therapists
years to identify people's issues.

Well, luckily...

I am not a trained therapist.

You need some therapy today?

- Oh, don't we all?
- We do all.

You had therapy before?

- Never.
- This will be your first therapy session?

My first time.

You should know, I'm an amateur therapist.
I'm a professional magician.

But I'm pretty good.

Hey, as long as you're listening to me,
I'm good,

because when you get old, people...

- You ever heard of a Rorschach test?
- No.

Basically, it's ink blotted around
in a random pattern,

then they show you and say
"What do you see?

- Yeah?
- Based on what you say,

they kind of infer different diagnoses.

What do you see?

I see... I see babies.

It's weird.

- Almost like a tiger face.
- Okay.

What do you see?

Blocks of ink.

- Blobs of ink?
- Yep.

- Not a butterfly or anything like that?
- No.

- How about here? What do you see?
- Just ink, man. Blo...

It's just ink... on a paper.

Doesn't remind you of my father?

No, I don't even know your father.

Neither do I.

I'd like to try a custom Rorschach,
just for you, Blair.

Ooh, sure.

Instead of trying to figure out
what the ink is saying,

the ink's gonna figure out
what you're saying.

- Oh my. Fun.
- Hold onto that ink

and just think about something
that's been on your mind lately.

I'm gonna, uh...

get a fresh sheet out for you.

Oh, my god.

This is your blank mind at the moment.

Oh, boy.

The ink...

has become one with your psyche.

I'll take it.

And all it takes is a few drops here.

Feeling liberal with the ink today.

Okay.

Blair...

what's been on your mind?

Honestly? Ghosts.
I've been thinking about ghosts.

Why thinking about ghosts?

Because I'm moving to a really old
apartment building in Echo Park

that I think is full of ghosts.

Let's see if the ink picked up on that.

- Just give it a good squeeze.
- I'm nervous.

Whoa.

Whoa. Oh, my god.

- What do you see?
- It's there.

A little family of ghosts.

- They look friendly, though.
- Aw!

I'm glad I signed that lease now.

Tell me.

What's stressing you out?

Student loan debt.

- Student loan debt.
- Yes.

So, money stuff.

- Money stuff.
- Let's see...

if the ink was able
to pick up on that here.

Ooh.

- That's so crazy.
- What do you see?

Dollar signs.

All I see is, like, ovaries
and Fallopian tubes.

Yeah, you can kind of see that too.

But, like... the dollar signs
definitely stick out.

What is it that's bothering you?

- You can tell me.
- Old age, man.

- Old age?
- Yeah.

Let's see if the ink knows.

Oh.

A tombstone.

Motherscratcher.

Motherscratcher, indeed.

Is that "RIP"?

Yeah.

What the hell?

Yeah, and what the ink is telling me

- is that you don't need to worry about...
- 'Cause I'll be dead soon.

- That's not where I was heading.
- Okay.

I don't freaking believe it.

Healing is a big part of self-care.

And, as we all know,
there is no greater healer than time.

You know the phrase
"time heals all wounds"?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

You've heard that?

- It wasn't just my mom?
- No, it was every mom.

"Time heals all wounds"?

She doesn't have any wounds.
She has a charmed life.

Wow.

I think, "Yeah, time heals all wounds,
but who's got the time?"

I found the time.

Oh, did you?

I get it.

Get what?

Would you hold that?

- Yes.
- Um...

- I'm gonna make a fresh wound...
- Oh!

Right.

- Oh, gosh.
- Oh, no.

...using this screwdriver.

- This highly dangerous...
- Do I have to?

highly sharp screwdriver.
Feel the tip of that.

Let's make a new wound.

- Oh, my god. I'm scared.
- Oh, god.

Oh, gosh.

I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
There we go.

There we go.

There we go.

There we go.

No, it's good.

No, don't worry. We've got the thyme.

Keep that thyme close.
Keep that thyme close.

Keep that thyme close.

Okay.

Okay... have we made a good wound?

Okay.

Sprinkle it, sprinkle it, sprinkle it...

Keep going. A little more.

You've just gotta take that thyme.

And you've gotta rub that thyme in there.

Just rub in the thyme.

Look at that. Check it out.

- That looks good.
- No puncture wounds.

- No incisions.
- What?

- Perfect pizza.
- Like a well-marinated steak.

It can heal wounds on the inside.

- Okay.
- For example, here...

Oh! What the...?

What?

- A light bulb. Check it out.
- Okay.

Make sure it's legit.

- Just a light bulb?
- Yeah.

Good stuff, right?

Yeah. No, it's great.

Oh, "thyme" heals all wounds.

- I don't know what you're saying.
- Does it?

You're quick.

Light bulb?

Okay.

You just find a...

big, sharp piece...

and... yeah.

Give it a little crunch-aroo.

What?

Wait. What?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Pretty good.

Okay.

Thyme also works with... insults.

It protects the ears.

Oh... Okay. Yep.

- Can you help me?
- All right.

- That's good. Gosh. It tickles.
- I got it in there.

- Okay, good.
- Okay.

Now...

hurl an insult at me.
Give me your best shot.

Something that would really hurt me.

- It's okay, because I'm protected.
- Both of us?

- Yeah. Go for it. What you got?
- Okay.

You're ugly!

God, you're short.

You're not very bright.

Jawline could be a little better too.

You've got kind of big ears. Yeah.

You're not that yoked. It's fine.

It didn't work.

Aww!

No, come back. No.

- I thought thyme would heal the wounds.
- Thyme didn't help.

I am yoked.

- How are you doing?
- Good, how are you?

Question...

- You wanna see some close-up magic?
- Let's see it.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Close-up magic.

Close-up Magic!

- How's it going?
- Good. You?

- Good. Just want to make my breath fresh.
- Wish I woulda done the same.

- Didn't know we were gonna get close.
- Sorry I didn't offer you a piece.

- Let's just get into it, okay?
- Let's get into it.

Imagine a deck of cards.

Okay.

Think of one of the 52 cards.

Okay.

- Got one?
- Got it.

What card are you thinking of?

Five of diamonds.

Five of diamonds.

Watch the Doublemint.

Wow.

That was wild.

You can have that.

I... That was crazy.

That was real close-up magic.

Boop.

I like to "boop"
at the end of Close-up Magic.

Okay.

Boop!

- This is fun.
- This is fun.

The gym
is one of the easiest ways

we can take care of ourselves.

At least that's what they told me
when they sold me my membership.

For me, the only easy part
is finding an excuse not to go.

But today, I am out of excuses.

It is time to get my money's worth.

Good set, good set.

Oh, that's good.

- Yeah?
- I like to do a rep.

I believe in quality, not quantity.

- What do they call these things?
- Russian twists.

- Russian twists?
- Yeah.

Why do they call them Russian twists?

I don't know, I guess...

in Russia they... twist.

Yeah.

- This is my kind of workout equipment.
- Mm-hmm?

You jump rope?

Not really.

What I like to do is instead of...

- jumping over the rope...
- Mm-hmm.

I have fun jumping through the rope.

- Jeeze.
- Right?

Through the body, that's how I get cut.

I actually do it in slow motion too.
You just kind of...

Oh, jeez.

Oh, gosh, it's kinda...

Oh, my god.

- Painful, right? Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Don't try that.
- Yeah. I don't want to.

- I normally bench, like 225, 230...
- Oh, word?

Three o'clock. It depends
what time I get into the gym.

You know.

Sometimes with magic,

- you can obviously gain power...
- Yeah.

but you can also use magic
to remove power.

How so?

Just look at me, if it's okay

I'll take away your power,
then give it back.

- It'll be temporary. Just look.
- Okay.

How's that feel?

You're weak now.

- I am?
- Yeah. You're weak.

Here, take a card out.

- Any?
- Yeah, take it.

Take the card and kind of, uh,
tear it in half.

- Tear it in half?
- Yeah.

Okay.

You're weak. I told you.

Hold on, let me help.

Sometimes it's tough that way.

Why don't you just try smaller pieces?
Smaller pieces.

- Try it with a smaller piece.
- Alright.

- Okay.
- Really try, though.

Alright.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, that's not budging.

- Yeah.
- Hold up.

- How did you...
- It's not you. You're weak...

Want your power back?

Yeah.

You're strong.

- Rip it now?
- If you can.

Okay, good. See?

Now you're strong,
want to play tug of war?

For sure.

When was the last time
you played?

- A long time ago.
- We're trying to get a game together.

- I'm down.
- You're down?

- Okay. Here, come on.
- I'm down.

I like to cap off my workouts
old-school...

with a game of tug of war.

- Alright.
- Look at that.

How about Justin versus all of y'all?

Tug of war, right here, right now.

- Bring it.
- Alright.

Let's do it.

That's the middle line there.

Where? Oh.

The only line on the ground.

- Okay.
- This one?

You got your hold?

- Oh, yeah.
- Alright.

There's one thing
I didn't mention, though.

I have a secret weapon...

a powerful tool on my side.

The power of the almond.

If you have an almond,
you can pop one.

Oh, you didn't bring one?
Oh, that's too bad.

You guys ready?

Yeah. Are you ready?

Oh, I'm ready.

Here we go.

Oh, I feel that almond kicking in.

Ready...

set...

war!

- Ha! What? Wait.
- Come on, almond!

Come on, come on,
where's that almond power?

Come on.

Come on. I need you, almond.

I need that almond more than ever.

Wait. Come on!

Hold on. I feel it kicking in.

I feel it.

Oh, yeah. Come on, almond power.

Come on. Bring it home.

That's right. I can do it.

I can do it.

Come on, guys. Come on.

Is that all you got?

By the power of the almond,

I will win the war.

Yo, what y'all doing
over there?

I got it.

I got it.

That's an... Almost there.

Yes!

Yes.

No way!

Ooh, that hurt.

- I'm pretty strong, so...
- I thought we had him.

I thought we were
about to take him over,

and the next thing I know,
I'm over the line.

Right?

Kind of mind-blowing.

Certainly magical, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. Crazy.

- I've got to lay down.
- Alright.

I've got to lay down.

Oh, my god.

Wow.

I feel great.

I guess when it comes to self care,

it doesn't really matter how you do it,
as long as you do it.

Whether it's getting a spa treatment,

therapy...

Motherscratcher.

...or rope burn,

if it makes you feel good,

you should find the time.

♪ Thinking 'bout my ♪

♪ Thinking 'bout my ♪

♪ Thinking 'bout my
Thinking 'bout my ♪

♪ Thinking 'bout my self ♪

♪ Need some affection ♪

Absolutely.