Magic for Humans (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Terrifying Tech - full transcript

[siren wailing]

- What's going on?
- How are you?

- Nice to meet you.
- I'm Kellan.

Is there anything that terrifies you?

- I hate spiders, that's for sure.
- Yeah?

Give me your phone.

- I'm just going to look something up.
- All right.

Relax. So...

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Not a fan?

- Look at how cute he is.
- No, it's not.



- Look at that.
- Not even a little bit.

Want to see something cool?

- ****
- He's cute and furry.

Can I have my phone?

No, no, no. Kill it!

Hey, Alexa.

- Introduce the show for me, please.
- My pleasure.

This episode of Magic For Humans is about
how terrifying technology is becoming

and how, if it isn't stopped,
humans will become...

obsolete.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched.

Not by a person,
but by the phone in my pocket.

Our phones listen to everything we say.
They track everywhere we go,

and then they upload all that information
to retailers whose mind-reading algorithms



know what we want to buy before we even
know we want to buy it. It's terrifying.

And also convenient.

Excuse me!
Are you guys going to get your package?

- That's not ours.
- You haven't seen these?

- Are you flying that?
- No.

- Do you shop?
- Yeah.

Online or in person?

- Online sometimes.
- Online?

It's interesting. They get to know you
so well that they're able

to send you stuff now, before you even know that you
want it, which is convenient and also super scary.

- You shop for him sometimes online?
- Yeah.

So is there something that you maybe would
need to buy for him in the near future?

- Yeah.
- What?

Maybe some batteries.

- Batteries? You're really living the life.
- Yeah!

That's the most boring thing
to buy online.

Is there something that you want to buy
for yourself online?

- Yeah.
- What?

I would buy myself
flowers for the house, yeah.

Well, this must be for you.
Come on in here.

Oh, no!

You've got to be kidding me.

- Batteries and flowers?
- Yeah.

How did he know?

No!

No!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my goodness!

Is there anything you've been
wanting to buy?

- Tomatoes mostly.
- Tomatoes?

Yeah.

- Fresh tomatoes.
- Fresh tomatoes?

Yeah, organic.

Part of being a vegan.

- Oh, man.
- Fresh tomatoes, you say?

- Yeah.
- Reach in there.

- Oh!
- No way!

What?!

Your LED bulb.

- What?!
- Grab it.

- That's crazy.
- That's for you.

- How did you know that?
- It's not me.

Seriously, who are you?

Robots. They're stronger than us,
they're smarter than us,

and they're going to destroy us.

Or worse, take our jobs.

Despite the danger of mass outsourcing,

mad scientists like Dennis Hong at UCLA
keep working happily

towards their own unemployment.

If I'm going to stop the robot takeover,

I need to see
exactly what we're up against.

We might have some time.

So everything
is fully-- fully autonomous.

He's looking for a red ball. Kick it!
There you go!

What happens if you do sleight of hand
and make it disappear?

My name is THOR-RD:
tactical hazardous operations robot.

[Justin]
I think he's giving me the finger.

Oh, you're worried about robots
taking over your job--

I'm worried about robots
taking over my job.

- Robots doing magic.
- Should I be worried?

I haven't seen a robot
doing magic tricks just yet.

- Yet.
- Yet.

- I challenge you, Dennis Hong...
- Yeah?

...to make a robot that does magic.

- One week.
- One week?

- Let's do it.
- All right, cool.

To be continued...

- I'm Justin.
- Anna.

Anna, nice to meet you.
You're on my show, Trick Questions.

I show you a trick
and then ask you a question.

- I have a playing card.
- Okay.

It's my prediction.
It's the card you're about to think of.

Think of any card. You got one?

- I got one.
- What's the card?

- The king of hearts.
- The king of hearts.

Not the queen of spades?

- The king of hearts?
- Yeah.

Okay. Cool.

- The king of hearts?
- Yes.

- Now, here's your question.
- Okay.

How many Bitcoins does it take to get
some goddamn respect in this town?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Hey. Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Justin.
- Lindsey.

We're shooting
a little virtual reality demo.

You're gonna put these on,
and it's going to really look and feel

- like you're levitating yourself.
- What?

You're going to feel like a real magician
levitating in this parking lot.

- Are you ready to be magical?
- Totally.

Okay.

All right. Now, feet on the ground.
Inhale. Exhale.

[Justin] And I'm going to play it.

You're going to feel the sensation

of actually levitating off of the earth.

Do you feel it?

- Wow.
- Does it feel real?

Yes.

And you'll experience the VR sensation
right now... of levitating.

How does it feel?

It's pretty cool.

On a scale of one to 100,
one being just lame, nothing's happening,

100 being actually levitating,
where are you on that scale?

- Eighty.
- Eighty, okay.

On a scale from one to 100,
I would say about 20.

All right.

And I can even accentuate it
a little bit here.

Feel that?

- Does it feel like flying in the clouds?
- Yeah.

Look up. You can see the clouds?

Yeah.

And if you look down, you can see
that it looks like you're floating,

many, many feet above.

How realistic is it?

- Yeah, it's pretty realistic.
- Doesn't feel like you're floating at all?

- Not really.
- Shall we bring you in for landing?

- Yes.
- Okay.

It'll create the illusion
that you're actually now

- just slowly floating back down.
- Yes.

Just slowly floating back...

...until you're firmly planted
on the earth. Do you feel it?

Yes.

- Did it feel real?
- Wow, that was crazy.

Take it off. Was it great?

- That was crazy. I felt like I was flying.
- Was it cool?

How was it?

- Can I take off the goggles?
- Yeah.

- It was cool.
- It was cool?

It was cool.

Just cool?

I mean, it definitely didn't...
It felt cool,

but it would've been cooler
if I was actually levitating.

The resolution on my phone
is getting better,

but the resolution on my face is not.

Luckily for me,
there's a new exercise program

that promises to make my selfies
look young again.

Hello! Welcome to face yoga class.
Please have a seat.

So face yoga is a really great exercise.
So let me show you how to do a warm-up.

This activates all the facial muscles
and improves better circulation.

[shushes]

Like this.

All the facial muscles!
The center of the nose.

And then...

One... two... three...

four... five... six... seven.

[grunts]

Inhale.

Inhale.

And slowly come back.

Guys, I want to introduce
my friend, Justin. He's a magician.

You've inspired me, Koko,
to take face yoga

- and combine it with magic.
- Oh, what do you mean?

- Face magic.
- Face magic?

Would you like to see some face magic?

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.

Okay. Have to relax the face to begin.
Okay.

You see one of these? A Rubik's Cube.

Everybody kind of twist it up a few times.

Yeah, mix it up.

Put it in the mouth? Isn't it too big?
Can you?

Okay. Face yoga.

Oh, my God!

That is incredible.

- What?
- Mind is blown.

Open your mouth
to make sure that there's nothing inside.

Think my mouth's big enough
to hold two?

I'm going to try something
with the popcorn. Is that okay?

I'm going to use a kernel.

Actually... There we go.

Okay.

Just do some face yoga moves here
to move it up a little bit.

Let me get...
I'm aiming for a certain spot.

There we go.

Yeah, yeah.

Hold out your hand.

[all exclaiming]

Oh, my goodness!

Wow, that's crazy.

- I'm Justin.
- Jasmine.

Hi, Jasmine.
You're on my show, Trick Questions.

- Hello.
- I'm going to show you a trick,

- then ask you a question. Are you ready?
- Yes.

Pencil. Touch the tip.

- Sharp.
- Yes.

Nose. Touch the tip.

Not sharp.

Oh, my God. Oh!

Here's your question.
What's your favorite OJ Simpson movie?

Uh...

Well, it's been a week

since I tasked Dennis Hong
and his army of virgins

to build a magic robot
that could make my career obsolete.

There's only one way to find out.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the world's very first magic battle,

human against machine.

On this corner, the world famous magician,
Justin Willman!

All right!

Good luck.

And in this corner,
the world's very first magic robot, Magi!

[Magi] You are going down, Justin Willman.

All right, let's do this.

All right, Magi.

Little bottle of Coke...

to one and a half liters.

Boom.

All right. Take it away, Magi.

Behold, a pile of cards.

Ding-dong, magic.

- The playing card house.
- Yeah!

Yeah!

- Okay.
- Magi!

All right. Okay.

Oreos.

You want one, Hong?

You've got a glass of milk?

- Double stuffed.
- Yeah!

That's what I thought.

Magi, what have you got?

- Behold, a cup and ball.
- Classic.

Ding-dong, magic.

Yeah!

- Yes, queen.
- That's pretty impressive.

You in the UCLA shirt...

- Okay.
- Name a playing card.

Two of spades.

- Two of spades. That's a good card.
- Okay.

I like the two of spades.
I like the two of spades so much,

before I left the house,
I put on my two of spades T-shirt.

- What?
- Written in code. Check it out.

- Hey, check that.
- It is. Google it. It is.

I'll decode it for you.
Here, will you hit the decode button?

Perfect. There we go.

[man] That was good.

Last trick.

All right.

Behold, an empty pan.

Observe, as I place the lid on the pan.

Ding-dong, magic.

Surprise! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yes, queen!

All right. The world's very first magic
battle, human against machine.

And the winner is...

Justin Willman! Yeah!

- Great job.
- Thank you.

- That was a worthy battle.
- Justin, thank you.

I guess robots are nothing
to be scared of... for now.

If you really need nightmare fuel,
have you ever heard of the government?

Every time government technology advances,

paranoid conspiracy theories
advance to match.

Shooting a documentary
about the florist business in Los Angeles.

I'm lying. We're shooting a documentary
about the NSA.

Okay.

I've always been amazed at how quickly
people believe the craziest stuff.

The government's using chemtrails
to make white people bad dancers.

I did not know that,
but that explains a lot.

True story. What's your favorite flower?

Yeah. No, Build-A-Bear Workshop is lacing
the water with fluoride

to make our penises smaller.

That's terrible.

One of my favorite conspiracy theories

is that the government is implanting
microchips into ordinary people.

- Have you been chipped?
- I don't think so.

Come check out our floral selection.

I'll meet you inside.

- Luring them into the van was easy enough.
- Oh, wow.

Let's see if I can turn
conspiracy theory...

into conspiracy reality.

Take a seat. I believe that we're getting
chipped by the government.

Not potato chip.
I mean like implanted chip.

- Have you gotten surgery in the States?
- Yes, I have.

Do you mind if I just check you out
with my chip detector?

- Please.
- Okay.

I'm sure this doctor was fantastic,

but sometimes you'll get a chip
that's implanted.

Sometimes the doctor is under the control
of the government.

- The doctor will unknowingly--
- To be honest with you,

the doctors that I have, they would never
do anything like that. Trust me.

That's what I know, but maybe I'm wrong.

So far, so good

If it does detect a chip,

what it does is it sucks a little bit
of power from that chip

in order to kind of make the light blink
just the smallest amount. Oh.

Oh, my.

I felt something there.

Are you telling me
that there is a chip in me?

Did you feel that?

You're in luck.
I have a system that I've pioneered

that enables me to remove the chip.
Can I try it?

Sure, if it's there.

Now that they were on board,
it was time to take it to the next level.

Okay, arm out of the way.

- So much for us having our freedom.
- Yeah. We never had our freedom.

This might appear to be intrusive,
but it is entirely painless.

Okay.

- Feel that pressure?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I see that mark.

- Oh, yeah. See it bulging up a little bit?
- Yeah, I do.

We should be able to get a clean removal.

- Right there.
- Whoa.

Yeah, I see it.

- No pain?
- Not really.

Oh, here we go.

Release.

How about that? Yeah, that's a good one.

Hold out your hand...

and check that puppy out.

I'm not having surgery again
any time soon.

Does it say something on it?
Sometimes they say things.

Grand Junction, Colorado.

- Does it say that?
- That's where I had surgery.

Son of a bitch.

Hold on a second.
How that chip got in me, though?

Hold still.

Wow.

Just pop it in there.

I thought no way I could pull a chip
out of someone's arm

without them calling BS, but every
single person believed it was real,

and that might be
the scariest thing of all.

Glad I could help.

Thank you. I really...
Well, you know what?

I really appreciate it a lot
because now... I don't know what to say.

I'm very shocked. I mean...

- It's a scary thing.
- It is scary.

If the government is doing
these kinds of things...

Just imagine what we don't know about.

Thank you.

- Nice meeting you.
- Yeah, you too.

- Thank you.
- You can keep the glasses.

Oh, thanks.

Hey...

- Thank you.
- Have a good one.

Have a good day.

Flowers.

Technology. It can read our minds,
create false reality.

Ultimately, it will take our place
as masters of the Earth.

And if it is our destiny to be replaced...

I, for one, am going to go down swinging.