Mad Men (2007–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Marriage of Figaro - full transcript
Pete returns home from his honeymoon excited about his new marriage but conflicted about his past encounter with Peggy.
♪♪
Hey. Dick?
Richard Whitman?
Holy smokes, is that you?
Ha! As I live and breathe.
It's me. Larry.
Krisinski, L. Fort Sill?
Oh, of course.
Larry, look at you.
Yeah, and you.
Still haven't filled out.
You must be a bachelor.
No.
Where are you at? I'm
out of Waltham, Mass.
I'm just spending
a day in Armonk
with International
Business Machines.
I'm upstate.
Hey, I just saw Jerry Creighton.
Remember? Slept with
a sidearm in his bunk.
Almost blew his jaw off?
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, well...
Look, I should, uh...
Call me. We should catch up.
Absolutely.
Old Dick Whitman.
Ha! What are the chances?
Good morning, Hollis.
I mean, it's France. What
do they want with the bomb?
We must have given it to them.
No way the frogs came
up with it on their own.
Hey, it's the
honeymoon kid. Hey.
Here comes Romeo without
his roe, like a dried herring.
Do I seem different?
You do look depleted, Humps.
The wedding was great.
How was the rest of it?
You're talking
about my wife here.
Oh, she's already got you there?
Gentlemen never discuss this.
We're talking about you here:
the man who told us the
coat check girl from "21"
had tangerine panties.
Come on, buddy boy, spill.
I don't know.
Something happened
in the ceremony.
It's when he said that thing
about being new baptized.
I just felt this calm
come over me.
So what you're saying
is, uh, a lot of missionary?
Fine.
So she's laying there, right?
And she kept
looking at the maps,
talking about all the things
we were going to do...
but we never did.
Ladies Home Journal.
I can get that at Mom's.
Welcome back, Mr. Campbell.
Well, hey, there.
The ring, it's like catnip.
Did you know that 600,000 gallons
of water go over the Falls per second?
Per second!
Oh, look. He's back.
Good morning.
Congratulations. Welcome back.
Thanks, everybody.
When did this
place get so friendly?
I guess people missed you.
Welcome back,
Mr. Campbell. Hildy.
Close the door!
Close the door!
Who put the
Chinamen in my office?
Welcome back.
They paid an Oriental family
to be in Mr. Campbell's office.
Someone will finally
be working in there.
Mr. Romano,
Mr. Kinsey, and Mr. Crane
are here for your meeting.
Do you need a minute?
Do you need a minute? You must.
You keep moving the
Secor laxative discussion.
See what we did
to Campbell's office?
What do we have?
Let me remind you,
safe and reliable
would make me doze off
if I wasn't so blighted
by the scourge of constipation.
Well, what can I
say? I'm blocked.
I told you he wouldn't
think that was funny.
I got one.
How 'bout "Secor.
It's satisfeculant"?
Stay in the art department, Sal.
I'm just saying we can be funny,
like those Volkswagen people.
You see this yet?
I have.
I don't know what I
hate about it the most,
the ad or the car.
You know, they
did one last year.
Same kind of smirk.
Remember "Think small"?
It was a half-page
ad in a full-page buy.
You could barely
see the product.
I don't get it.
Elvis just got back
from West Germany.
Why not put him in it?
They must be getting results.
They keep going
back to the well.
I want the Chinamen out
of the building by lunch.
I'm still waiting on my shirts.
You've seen this?
I'm back now. I see that.
So...
I should be on the
list for the meeting.
Oh, I just...
I didn't know when
you were coming back.
Right.
Yeah, well, it's
today. Here I am.
They're all in there
already. You can go in.
Peggy...
When I came over that night,
you know, before.
I was there.
You know...
I'm married now.
I know.
So...
Pete...
I understand.
It never happened.
You want me to buzz you in?
The door looks
a little bit open.
Sorry about that. I took the
Chinese out of the building.
But I have a feeling in an hour
I'm gonna want to
take them out again.
Bernbach. He's a Jew.
If I were him,
I wouldn't want to help
reindustrialize Germany.
Everybody's got a price.
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
Honesty. It's a great angle.
No chrome, no horsepower,
foreign, ugly.
Guess they went
with their strengths.
It is funny. It is?
'Cause I think the joke's on us.
You're supposed to look at that
and say it's a great
car, not a great ad.
I laughed. I
think it's brilliant.
Brilliant.
I'll tell you what brilliance
in advertising is: 99 cents.
Somebody thought
of that, Campbell.
Well, say what you
want. Love it or hate it,
the fact remains we've
been talking about this
for the last 15 minutes.
And this is Playboy.
Of course, what we should
have been talking about
is Secor laxative,
unless, as it appears,
there is nothing to say.
I don't want to hear this.
We're on the case.
Part of this job
is doing things you
don't want to do.
Most of it.
It's good to be back,
Draper. I missed you.
Then it must not have
been much of a honeymoon.
I'm sorry. Welcome back.
How's married life?
It's pretty swell.
I was raised that men
don't wear jewelry.
I kind of like it.
Trudy's a lot funnier
than I thought.
I'm actually looking forward
to going home tonight.
Well, I look forward
to meeting her.
Hey, maybe one of these nights
we could get dinner together
with the, uh, wives.
Maybe we can.
You know, girls, we'd be
happy to bring you coffee.
I was on my way over anyways.
I have something of yours. Ooh.
Lady Chatterley's Lover.
I finished it last night.
Good to the last drop, right?
Well, I can see
why it got banned.
Well, you don't have
to be so shy about it.
It's literature.
That is a huge pocketbook, Joan.
Well, it's got a
change of clothing
and a toothbrush in it.
Ha ha. A hope chest.
Have you read this, Peggy?
I don't think
that's a good idea.
There's, um...
this word in it a lot.
I know the word, Joan.
Well, it's sad, really,
because even with its
reputation, men won't read it.
And they really should.
I don't care if
it's 500 years old.
It's another testimony to how
most people think marriage is a joke.
They rip a lot of clothing.
Yeah, it's a fantasy.
He's married, and she's married.
The desperate
passion of the forbidden.
Can I borrow it?
She's making it
sound better than it is.
There's a few
good parts, that's all.
And the book just opens
to those pages by itself.
Hey, don't read it on the train.
It'll attract the wrong element.
Bye. Bye.
So the doctor says to
him, "I hope you're happy.
"While you were out
finishing a round of golf,
"your wife was in
a horrible accident.
"She is gonna need
'round-the-clock care.
Bathing, toilet."
Then the doc looks
at him and says,
"I'm just kidding. She's dead.
Hey, what'd you shoot?"
initial research report
and what I think are some
very astute market observations.
Mr. Draper.
Pleased to see
you didn't disappear
the minute you cashed my check.
We appreciate your business.
Kenny, of course, you know.
Harry Crane, media.
And Mr. George Pelham over here,
who is from research,
and who has more degrees
than a Russian protractor.
That's quite an introduction.
From the other side
of the pond, I see.
We take his word for it.
So, uh, that is yours to keep.
But if you'd like
to follow along,
you'll see from the overview
our primary focus was Saks,
Henri Bendel, and Bonwit Teller.
Our research uncovered a variety
of options they utilize to attract
your desired customers.
One thing these
stores have in common
is a comfortable
shopping environment.
Spacious, open sales floors,
An almost conspicuous
lack of clutter.
Merchandise is minimal
and neatly presented on tables
and in display cases.
This "less is more" philosophy
is also evident in
the window displays.
For example, only one
sweater to a window,
as opposed to windows
stuffed with merchandise.
My father's going to love that.
Believe it or not, it even
applies to the mannequins.
Bendel's takes
the heads off theirs
so the shopper can
imagine them to be anyone.
Anyone without a head.
Along with these
cosmetic changes,
you'll also need to provide
what we call boutique extras.
A personal shopping service,
private fashion shows,
and designer collections.
This is comprehensive.
It's the lay of the land.
Just from holding it,
I feel more informed
about my competitors than ever.
And yet my store already has
a personal shopping service
and designer collections,
which makes me wonder if you
were so focused on my competitors
that you failed
to visit my store.
I've been away on my honeymoon.
I've been there a few times.
It's a beautiful old place.
Miss Menken, I can assure you
that no one at this table
has ever been to your store.
A wrong I will
personally correct
this afternoon.
It's right on 5th Avenue.
That's one big block over
and a dozen little blocks up.
It's been there for 30 years.
I'll walk you out. I've got it.
Harry.
What?
It was nice the way
you handled that.
It's hard to get
caught in a lie.
Well, it wasn't a lie.
It was ineptitude
with insufficient cover.
Something about the way you
talk always restores my confidence.
I have a deep voice.
This afternoon, then.
It's a date.
New junior exec.
Changing her store
could take six months...
Or a year, if I know
what's good for me.
What was that in there? What?
Don and Molly Goldberg.
Did you see that?
Yeah, I caught it.
What's your point?
I don't know. I mean,
everybody always jokes about it,
but I've never seen Draper
really turn that switch on before.
I guess he likes her.
What would you do?
Trying to quit.
You are really
putting the junior
in junior executive.
Look, you're
married now, all right?
I'm a part of that club,
too. Two very happy years.
But when I'm out in the world...
I don't know. I
don't do it much.
I'm not good at it...
The flirting, the
double entendres...
You mean something on the side?
No. I mean enjoying
the company of women
in the limited way
a married man can.
It's all we have, really.
I can't speak for everyone,
but it's plenty for me.
Same. I guess on some level,
I always thought Draper
was the same way.
Draper?
Who knows anything
about that guy.
No one's ever lifted that rock.
He could be Batman
for all we know.
Mr. Campbell, you
wife's on the phone.
There's bird shit on the couch.
That was priceless.
Hello, honey.
Dinner? Wow.
What do I want for dinner?
Hmm... I don't know.
Anything but chicken.
Yes, they missed me.
Uh, rib eye in the
pan with butter.
Ice cream.
I love you, too.
There's going to be dinner
waiting for me when I get home.
Yeah. How about that?
Mr. Kurland was
mitigating a skirmish
in our housewares section.
Why do I hire young girls?
Because they cost
practically nothing.
Costume change.
This is my closet.
The original tenants
laid the last brick
the day before the crash.
Boy, were they
in for a surprise.
As I hope you know by now,
our original store was
just off 7th Avenue.
It was just hosiery.
Then they started pulling
piecework from sweatshops.
By 1932, these
people had failed.
My father and uncle picked
this place up for a shekel.
Well, it is crowded.
But that might have
something to do with the sale,
which means that,
if we're successful,
you're gonna lose the
customers you have
in order to get the
customers you want.
I was gonna start
with raising prices.
Can you imagine
what my father said?
Well, you do have to
give them something
for their higher dollar count.
It's just awfully hard
to define what that is.
How may I help you?
I make them say that.
Carol, can we see
this tray right here?
Sea horses,
crowns,
lucky dice.
Medieval knights.
That's better. Hmm.
Thank you.
Let's take a look
at the second floor.
We're known for our service.
That's gotta be a tough job.
I know.
I've always liked
how quiet it is up here.
Well, that might explain
the lack of customers.
I can see the charm, but...
the room is too dark,
too old-fashioned.
The products look old.
But the people look wonderful.
It's a shame we're gonna
have to lop their heads off.
It'll ruin your favorite
part of the store.
It's not my favorite
part, actually.
The grand lot of us
are going to Lansky's.
Can you believe it?
Have a swell
time. I've got plans.
You look nice.
Hell.
Manhattan at your feet.
I can see the appeal.
The view's okay.
Now, this is my
favorite part of the store.
Hey there, Missy.
Hey.
I haven't seen you in a while.
Hey. How did they
get the penthouse?
They patrol.
It's the only way to make sure
there isn't anyone
hiding in the store at night.
Well, they know
I'm with you, right?
These two are Carla and Leona.
Not the originals,
but third generation,
and what every
generation of Menken dog
shall be named
until the end of time.
I made my father's
legal counsel add that
to the store's
by-laws when I was 9.
So even then you enjoyed
telling men what to do.
To be fair, the store
was practically home.
My father liked to work.
I used to come out
here and talk to them...
Well, the originals...
Every night.
For a little girl, a dog
can be all you need.
They protect you. They listen.
I had my sister, but
there weren't other kids.
And, of course, my
mother wasn't around.
Well, that's not
always a bad thing.
Who knows?
She died when she was having me.
Anyway, my sister
became my only company.
And frankly,
these bitches were
easier to handle.
What is this?
Don't try to convince me
that you were ever unloved.
I don't know what to say.
Listen...
I'm married.
I guess I didn't ask 'cause
I didn't want to know.
That shouldn't have happened.
Well, you couldn't
help yourself.
I knew what I wanted...
from the first time you
stormed out of our office.
You stormed out of your office.
I took you up here.
That was stupid.
I just so looked forward
to seeing you again.
Now I guess that's over.
I know you understand
I'd rather not have to
explain this to anyone.
The account stays.
I just want someone else on it.
Don't look at me like that.
What do you do, just
kiss women all the time?
Women you aren't married to?
Of course not.
Well, then, am I
supposed to live some life
running alongside yours?
I have some checks to sign.
Excuse me.
You dropped your paper.
Thank you.
Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
Wake up. It's my birthday.
It's my birthday! Raah!
It's my birthday!
It's not your birthday.
It's your party.
Don, the party's at 2:00.
You have to put together
the P-L-A-Y-H-O-U-S-E.
How am I going to
put together a pony?
A pony? I'm getting a pony?
Bobby, I'm getting a pony!
Great.
She'll forget all about it
when she sees the playhouse.
There's a bacon and egg
sandwich for you on the range.
It's got a red door like ours!
Daddy!
You are not supposed
to see this yet.
Why don't you run to the garage
and get me another beer?
Okay.
Capers?
You want to pick
those out of the rug?
Well, they look naked.
Well, the only thing this
one wants is raw hamburger.
What does that mean?
I think that's enough of that.
Well, how many are we?
Us, you...
Carlton's with the
kids. Make it quick.
The Darlings, Helen Bishop...
You didn't. I had to.
She saw me buying
balloons at the market.
Didn't seem right. So what?
I just brought her the pie,
got my dish back at the end.
Have you seen her
walking up Downtree Ridge?
Where the hell
is she walking to?
I don't know.
How old is her kid?
Kids.
The boy is 9.
I'm gonna say Gary, maybe Glen?
Mm-hmm. And the
baby is a 2-year-old.
She said she was
gonna try and get a sitter.
I would.
It's probably a
big event for her.
That man.
I know.
You didn't use the
powder room, did you?
It will appear untouched.
Everyone's gonna be here soon.
Why don't you go up
and take a shower?
Want company?
Mint juleps. It's
that time of year.
Wonderful. I'm
so thirsty lately.
Ready or not, here I come!
There's date nut
bread, cold turkey,
and Waldorf
salad for the adults.
And I just made peanut
butter sandwiches for the kids.
I know everybody eats that.
Thank you.
And in case
anybody's going to ask,
I did not get that clown.
Oh. Oh.
He got booked in some
off-Broadway show.
About clowns? I
think we saw that.
It's not the one
where they take
their clothes off, is it?
Who knew that could be boring?
Want something a little
stronger there, Carlton?
He'll manage.
We were thinking about you, Don.
We saw this thing on TV.
It was right in the middle
of the news. It was cute.
The guy flying with his hat on.
Did you do that
one? It was so cute.
I think the man looks exactly like
Henry. Except not as handsome.
I haven't seen that.
I'm going to go and
leave the kids' food out.
Let's not even bother
trying to get them to sit.
I'll co-pilot.
Heard a good one the other day.
No, Chet.
I'm gonna tell the joke.
Your wife and your
lawyer are drowning.
You have a choice to make:
you go to lunch or a movie?
It's good, right?
Hey, I'm missing the ball game.
I might as well have some fun.
Hey.
So how are things
on Mad Ave, Don?
Looks like they're
taking care of you.
We got it all, huh?
Yep, this is it.
Maybe it's his
obsession with sports,
but it's been hard for Jack.
Marilyn, I've been
watching Kevin,
and he gets around very well.
Hmm.
I bet he doesn't
know the difference.
He does.
He's very determined.
Jack really gets angry
anytime someone
mentions the vaccine,
and I tell him we
should be grateful.
First of all, it could
have been much worse.
It could have
gotten to his lungs.
Second of all, this can't
happen to other children.
They think they're athletes.
I want to say to Chet,
"I saw you play
football in high school.
Your son's going to be a
tackling dummy just like you."
According to Glen here,
when the door's
a little bit open,
you're supposed to come in.
Hello, Helen.
I hate to start with
a bunch of excuses,
but the babysitter was late,
and I still haven't
unpacked all the boxes,
so this was the only
paper I could find.
It should be Christmas all year
as far as I'm concerned.
A jury in New York City
is expected to receive
the tax evasion paper...
Opera's production
of Mozart's Marriage of Figaro,
with Robert Merrill
and Joan Sutherland.
Don, you have to pick
up the cake from Hightop.
Oh, and this is Helen Bishop
and Glen.
Nice to meet you all.
Don. He goes with me.
Then Carlton, Chet, and Jack.
Glen, I'm pretty sure there are
some peanut butter
sandwiches and a BB gun
out there in the backyard.
Why don't you come with me?
Don, can I speak with you?
Let's see, I told
you about the cake,
and... oh, can you take
some movies this time?
Of everyone or
just Chief Tiny Tim?
You bought that camera,
and you always forget.
Okay.
Ladies, ladies, this
is Helen Bishop.
This is Marilyn.
Nice to meet you.
And Nancy.
She seems scared, poor thing.
Trust me, those hens are
gonna peck her to death.
Do you see her running around
in that little Volkswagen?
That's kind of desperate.
That won't help her.
It's got no back seat.
She'll have to find
some midget hitchhiker.
Last time I saw one of those,
I think I was throwing
a grenade into it.
Yeah.
The problem with Easter break
is it's too long.
The doldrums.
We're thinking about
seven days, six nights,
in Boca Raton,
with mosquitoes as
big as a silver dollar.
And believe me, those
aren't the only giant noses
you'll have to deal with.
Francine.
Carlton and I went
there on our honeymoon,
and all I can say is
we were outnumbered.
It's uncomfortable.
You want to be able to relax.
We went to Bermuda
on our honeymoon.
Pink sand beaches.
Oh! Mmm!
Where did you go?
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
It's okay. I went to Paris.
Four years of Mount
Holyoke French.
Haven't used it since.
And I wouldn't give it back,
even being with Glen's father.
Is that your ex-husband?
Yes.
I went to Italy.
Not on my honeymoon,
but right after I
graduated from Bryn Mawr.
What a summer.
Three Coins in the Fountain.
It was right about that time.
You must have loved Paris.
It's all walking.
What do you mean?
Just that I've seen you
walking around the neighborhood.
I've seen you, too,
when I was driving.
I think I waved.
Where are you going
when you do that?
No place. I just like to walk.
But where?
Anywhere.
It just relaxes me
and clears my mind.
I heard on the radio
that Einstein did it.
Einstein? He's got his
hands into everything.
Sweetie.
Hi, Daddy!
♪♪
What are you, Frank Sinatra?
I was looking for Glen.
Bunch of them just ran through.
There are the boys.
How are we doing?
Ahem. It's, uh,
it's Helen, right?
I know your situation,
and my heart breaks
for that little boy.
I have a baby, too.
You can act strong,
but I just want to volunteer.
If you ever need someone
to throw the ball around
with him some Sunday,
take him to the beach.
That would be nice.
I'm sure eventually
I'd get so used to
your Sunday visits,
I'd join you at the beach,
just the four of us.
Then one night, you'd
drop us off at the house
and walk me in with an umbrella.
The kids would go to sleep,
and we'd laugh about
all the funny things
that happened at
the beach that day.
I don't want you
telling Francine
that I suggested
something that I didn't.
Well, I'm sorry if
I misunderstood.
♪♪
You dented the car.
I like sleeping on the couch.
I don't like your tone.
Take your shoes off.
Interesting crowd in there.
Same crowd out here.
How about the Einstein thing?
I wonder if old Albert
swung his hips like
that when he walked.
She probably got her
hair tips from him, too.
Glen is so quiet.
Not to mention wrinkled.
Maybe she hasn't
unpacked her iron, either.
Christmas paper? Please.
She works.
It has to be hard
to run a house, too.
Manning a counter
at a jewelry store?
It's not that demanding.
I don't know. I had a job in
sales before I was a mom.
Have you seen my mom?
No, honey. Maybe
she's in the dining room.
Betty.
What?
Don, will you please go to
Hightop and get the cake?
Hey. Don't run in the house.
What is going on in here?
Your kid knocked over a drink.
You need to tell him
this is not a jungle gym.
Ernie, did you hear
what Mr. Farrelly said?
Did you say you were sorry?
Do you want some more?
No. Come on. He heard me.
Go get your mother and
have her clean this up.
Okay. Thank you.
The woman at the bakery said
he picked up the cake
almost an hour ago.
Do you think he had an accident?
Let's go.
We haven't done birthday cake.
There's not going to be a cake.
Am I the only one
that knows that?
Don Draper, you
are a first class heel,
and I salute you.
Let's go.
Swell party. Food was delicious.
I might have a cake.
A Sara Lee in my freezer.
Well, could you go get it?
Please. That would be so great.
Yay! Yay!
Yay!
♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For Sally's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
Happy Birthday, little lady.
See you later, alligator.
Remember, the big
G stands for goodness.
Big G little O means "Go"
with the goodness of Cheerios!
You forgot something, Kid.
Right. More Cheerios.
I'll never smile again.
That's my line.
Daddy!
Mommy, Mommy, look!
Daddy got me a doggy!
I don't even know what to say.
I want to name her...
Polly! Polly doggy!
Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Happy birthday, baby.
♪ Nothing more for me to say ♪
♪ And so I'll close ♪
♪ But by the way ♪
♪ Everybody's thinkin' of you ♪
♪ P.S. I love you ♪
♪ Oo-oo-ooh ♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
Hey. Dick?
Richard Whitman?
Holy smokes, is that you?
Ha! As I live and breathe.
It's me. Larry.
Krisinski, L. Fort Sill?
Oh, of course.
Larry, look at you.
Yeah, and you.
Still haven't filled out.
You must be a bachelor.
No.
Where are you at? I'm
out of Waltham, Mass.
I'm just spending
a day in Armonk
with International
Business Machines.
I'm upstate.
Hey, I just saw Jerry Creighton.
Remember? Slept with
a sidearm in his bunk.
Almost blew his jaw off?
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, well...
Look, I should, uh...
Call me. We should catch up.
Absolutely.
Old Dick Whitman.
Ha! What are the chances?
Good morning, Hollis.
I mean, it's France. What
do they want with the bomb?
We must have given it to them.
No way the frogs came
up with it on their own.
Hey, it's the
honeymoon kid. Hey.
Here comes Romeo without
his roe, like a dried herring.
Do I seem different?
You do look depleted, Humps.
The wedding was great.
How was the rest of it?
You're talking
about my wife here.
Oh, she's already got you there?
Gentlemen never discuss this.
We're talking about you here:
the man who told us the
coat check girl from "21"
had tangerine panties.
Come on, buddy boy, spill.
I don't know.
Something happened
in the ceremony.
It's when he said that thing
about being new baptized.
I just felt this calm
come over me.
So what you're saying
is, uh, a lot of missionary?
Fine.
So she's laying there, right?
And she kept
looking at the maps,
talking about all the things
we were going to do...
but we never did.
Ladies Home Journal.
I can get that at Mom's.
Welcome back, Mr. Campbell.
Well, hey, there.
The ring, it's like catnip.
Did you know that 600,000 gallons
of water go over the Falls per second?
Per second!
Oh, look. He's back.
Good morning.
Congratulations. Welcome back.
Thanks, everybody.
When did this
place get so friendly?
I guess people missed you.
Welcome back,
Mr. Campbell. Hildy.
Close the door!
Close the door!
Who put the
Chinamen in my office?
Welcome back.
They paid an Oriental family
to be in Mr. Campbell's office.
Someone will finally
be working in there.
Mr. Romano,
Mr. Kinsey, and Mr. Crane
are here for your meeting.
Do you need a minute?
Do you need a minute? You must.
You keep moving the
Secor laxative discussion.
See what we did
to Campbell's office?
What do we have?
Let me remind you,
safe and reliable
would make me doze off
if I wasn't so blighted
by the scourge of constipation.
Well, what can I
say? I'm blocked.
I told you he wouldn't
think that was funny.
I got one.
How 'bout "Secor.
It's satisfeculant"?
Stay in the art department, Sal.
I'm just saying we can be funny,
like those Volkswagen people.
You see this yet?
I have.
I don't know what I
hate about it the most,
the ad or the car.
You know, they
did one last year.
Same kind of smirk.
Remember "Think small"?
It was a half-page
ad in a full-page buy.
You could barely
see the product.
I don't get it.
Elvis just got back
from West Germany.
Why not put him in it?
They must be getting results.
They keep going
back to the well.
I want the Chinamen out
of the building by lunch.
I'm still waiting on my shirts.
You've seen this?
I'm back now. I see that.
So...
I should be on the
list for the meeting.
Oh, I just...
I didn't know when
you were coming back.
Right.
Yeah, well, it's
today. Here I am.
They're all in there
already. You can go in.
Peggy...
When I came over that night,
you know, before.
I was there.
You know...
I'm married now.
I know.
So...
Pete...
I understand.
It never happened.
You want me to buzz you in?
The door looks
a little bit open.
Sorry about that. I took the
Chinese out of the building.
But I have a feeling in an hour
I'm gonna want to
take them out again.
Bernbach. He's a Jew.
If I were him,
I wouldn't want to help
reindustrialize Germany.
Everybody's got a price.
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
Honesty. It's a great angle.
No chrome, no horsepower,
foreign, ugly.
Guess they went
with their strengths.
It is funny. It is?
'Cause I think the joke's on us.
You're supposed to look at that
and say it's a great
car, not a great ad.
I laughed. I
think it's brilliant.
Brilliant.
I'll tell you what brilliance
in advertising is: 99 cents.
Somebody thought
of that, Campbell.
Well, say what you
want. Love it or hate it,
the fact remains we've
been talking about this
for the last 15 minutes.
And this is Playboy.
Of course, what we should
have been talking about
is Secor laxative,
unless, as it appears,
there is nothing to say.
I don't want to hear this.
We're on the case.
Part of this job
is doing things you
don't want to do.
Most of it.
It's good to be back,
Draper. I missed you.
Then it must not have
been much of a honeymoon.
I'm sorry. Welcome back.
How's married life?
It's pretty swell.
I was raised that men
don't wear jewelry.
I kind of like it.
Trudy's a lot funnier
than I thought.
I'm actually looking forward
to going home tonight.
Well, I look forward
to meeting her.
Hey, maybe one of these nights
we could get dinner together
with the, uh, wives.
Maybe we can.
You know, girls, we'd be
happy to bring you coffee.
I was on my way over anyways.
I have something of yours. Ooh.
Lady Chatterley's Lover.
I finished it last night.
Good to the last drop, right?
Well, I can see
why it got banned.
Well, you don't have
to be so shy about it.
It's literature.
That is a huge pocketbook, Joan.
Well, it's got a
change of clothing
and a toothbrush in it.
Ha ha. A hope chest.
Have you read this, Peggy?
I don't think
that's a good idea.
There's, um...
this word in it a lot.
I know the word, Joan.
Well, it's sad, really,
because even with its
reputation, men won't read it.
And they really should.
I don't care if
it's 500 years old.
It's another testimony to how
most people think marriage is a joke.
They rip a lot of clothing.
Yeah, it's a fantasy.
He's married, and she's married.
The desperate
passion of the forbidden.
Can I borrow it?
She's making it
sound better than it is.
There's a few
good parts, that's all.
And the book just opens
to those pages by itself.
Hey, don't read it on the train.
It'll attract the wrong element.
Bye. Bye.
So the doctor says to
him, "I hope you're happy.
"While you were out
finishing a round of golf,
"your wife was in
a horrible accident.
"She is gonna need
'round-the-clock care.
Bathing, toilet."
Then the doc looks
at him and says,
"I'm just kidding. She's dead.
Hey, what'd you shoot?"
initial research report
and what I think are some
very astute market observations.
Mr. Draper.
Pleased to see
you didn't disappear
the minute you cashed my check.
We appreciate your business.
Kenny, of course, you know.
Harry Crane, media.
And Mr. George Pelham over here,
who is from research,
and who has more degrees
than a Russian protractor.
That's quite an introduction.
From the other side
of the pond, I see.
We take his word for it.
So, uh, that is yours to keep.
But if you'd like
to follow along,
you'll see from the overview
our primary focus was Saks,
Henri Bendel, and Bonwit Teller.
Our research uncovered a variety
of options they utilize to attract
your desired customers.
One thing these
stores have in common
is a comfortable
shopping environment.
Spacious, open sales floors,
An almost conspicuous
lack of clutter.
Merchandise is minimal
and neatly presented on tables
and in display cases.
This "less is more" philosophy
is also evident in
the window displays.
For example, only one
sweater to a window,
as opposed to windows
stuffed with merchandise.
My father's going to love that.
Believe it or not, it even
applies to the mannequins.
Bendel's takes
the heads off theirs
so the shopper can
imagine them to be anyone.
Anyone without a head.
Along with these
cosmetic changes,
you'll also need to provide
what we call boutique extras.
A personal shopping service,
private fashion shows,
and designer collections.
This is comprehensive.
It's the lay of the land.
Just from holding it,
I feel more informed
about my competitors than ever.
And yet my store already has
a personal shopping service
and designer collections,
which makes me wonder if you
were so focused on my competitors
that you failed
to visit my store.
I've been away on my honeymoon.
I've been there a few times.
It's a beautiful old place.
Miss Menken, I can assure you
that no one at this table
has ever been to your store.
A wrong I will
personally correct
this afternoon.
It's right on 5th Avenue.
That's one big block over
and a dozen little blocks up.
It's been there for 30 years.
I'll walk you out. I've got it.
Harry.
What?
It was nice the way
you handled that.
It's hard to get
caught in a lie.
Well, it wasn't a lie.
It was ineptitude
with insufficient cover.
Something about the way you
talk always restores my confidence.
I have a deep voice.
This afternoon, then.
It's a date.
New junior exec.
Changing her store
could take six months...
Or a year, if I know
what's good for me.
What was that in there? What?
Don and Molly Goldberg.
Did you see that?
Yeah, I caught it.
What's your point?
I don't know. I mean,
everybody always jokes about it,
but I've never seen Draper
really turn that switch on before.
I guess he likes her.
What would you do?
Trying to quit.
You are really
putting the junior
in junior executive.
Look, you're
married now, all right?
I'm a part of that club,
too. Two very happy years.
But when I'm out in the world...
I don't know. I
don't do it much.
I'm not good at it...
The flirting, the
double entendres...
You mean something on the side?
No. I mean enjoying
the company of women
in the limited way
a married man can.
It's all we have, really.
I can't speak for everyone,
but it's plenty for me.
Same. I guess on some level,
I always thought Draper
was the same way.
Draper?
Who knows anything
about that guy.
No one's ever lifted that rock.
He could be Batman
for all we know.
Mr. Campbell, you
wife's on the phone.
There's bird shit on the couch.
That was priceless.
Hello, honey.
Dinner? Wow.
What do I want for dinner?
Hmm... I don't know.
Anything but chicken.
Yes, they missed me.
Uh, rib eye in the
pan with butter.
Ice cream.
I love you, too.
There's going to be dinner
waiting for me when I get home.
Yeah. How about that?
Mr. Kurland was
mitigating a skirmish
in our housewares section.
Why do I hire young girls?
Because they cost
practically nothing.
Costume change.
This is my closet.
The original tenants
laid the last brick
the day before the crash.
Boy, were they
in for a surprise.
As I hope you know by now,
our original store was
just off 7th Avenue.
It was just hosiery.
Then they started pulling
piecework from sweatshops.
By 1932, these
people had failed.
My father and uncle picked
this place up for a shekel.
Well, it is crowded.
But that might have
something to do with the sale,
which means that,
if we're successful,
you're gonna lose the
customers you have
in order to get the
customers you want.
I was gonna start
with raising prices.
Can you imagine
what my father said?
Well, you do have to
give them something
for their higher dollar count.
It's just awfully hard
to define what that is.
How may I help you?
I make them say that.
Carol, can we see
this tray right here?
Sea horses,
crowns,
lucky dice.
Medieval knights.
That's better. Hmm.
Thank you.
Let's take a look
at the second floor.
We're known for our service.
That's gotta be a tough job.
I know.
I've always liked
how quiet it is up here.
Well, that might explain
the lack of customers.
I can see the charm, but...
the room is too dark,
too old-fashioned.
The products look old.
But the people look wonderful.
It's a shame we're gonna
have to lop their heads off.
It'll ruin your favorite
part of the store.
It's not my favorite
part, actually.
The grand lot of us
are going to Lansky's.
Can you believe it?
Have a swell
time. I've got plans.
You look nice.
Hell.
Manhattan at your feet.
I can see the appeal.
The view's okay.
Now, this is my
favorite part of the store.
Hey there, Missy.
Hey.
I haven't seen you in a while.
Hey. How did they
get the penthouse?
They patrol.
It's the only way to make sure
there isn't anyone
hiding in the store at night.
Well, they know
I'm with you, right?
These two are Carla and Leona.
Not the originals,
but third generation,
and what every
generation of Menken dog
shall be named
until the end of time.
I made my father's
legal counsel add that
to the store's
by-laws when I was 9.
So even then you enjoyed
telling men what to do.
To be fair, the store
was practically home.
My father liked to work.
I used to come out
here and talk to them...
Well, the originals...
Every night.
For a little girl, a dog
can be all you need.
They protect you. They listen.
I had my sister, but
there weren't other kids.
And, of course, my
mother wasn't around.
Well, that's not
always a bad thing.
Who knows?
She died when she was having me.
Anyway, my sister
became my only company.
And frankly,
these bitches were
easier to handle.
What is this?
Don't try to convince me
that you were ever unloved.
I don't know what to say.
Listen...
I'm married.
I guess I didn't ask 'cause
I didn't want to know.
That shouldn't have happened.
Well, you couldn't
help yourself.
I knew what I wanted...
from the first time you
stormed out of our office.
You stormed out of your office.
I took you up here.
That was stupid.
I just so looked forward
to seeing you again.
Now I guess that's over.
I know you understand
I'd rather not have to
explain this to anyone.
The account stays.
I just want someone else on it.
Don't look at me like that.
What do you do, just
kiss women all the time?
Women you aren't married to?
Of course not.
Well, then, am I
supposed to live some life
running alongside yours?
I have some checks to sign.
Excuse me.
You dropped your paper.
Thank you.
Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
Wake up. It's my birthday.
It's my birthday! Raah!
It's my birthday!
It's not your birthday.
It's your party.
Don, the party's at 2:00.
You have to put together
the P-L-A-Y-H-O-U-S-E.
How am I going to
put together a pony?
A pony? I'm getting a pony?
Bobby, I'm getting a pony!
Great.
She'll forget all about it
when she sees the playhouse.
There's a bacon and egg
sandwich for you on the range.
It's got a red door like ours!
Daddy!
You are not supposed
to see this yet.
Why don't you run to the garage
and get me another beer?
Okay.
Capers?
You want to pick
those out of the rug?
Well, they look naked.
Well, the only thing this
one wants is raw hamburger.
What does that mean?
I think that's enough of that.
Well, how many are we?
Us, you...
Carlton's with the
kids. Make it quick.
The Darlings, Helen Bishop...
You didn't. I had to.
She saw me buying
balloons at the market.
Didn't seem right. So what?
I just brought her the pie,
got my dish back at the end.
Have you seen her
walking up Downtree Ridge?
Where the hell
is she walking to?
I don't know.
How old is her kid?
Kids.
The boy is 9.
I'm gonna say Gary, maybe Glen?
Mm-hmm. And the
baby is a 2-year-old.
She said she was
gonna try and get a sitter.
I would.
It's probably a
big event for her.
That man.
I know.
You didn't use the
powder room, did you?
It will appear untouched.
Everyone's gonna be here soon.
Why don't you go up
and take a shower?
Want company?
Mint juleps. It's
that time of year.
Wonderful. I'm
so thirsty lately.
Ready or not, here I come!
There's date nut
bread, cold turkey,
and Waldorf
salad for the adults.
And I just made peanut
butter sandwiches for the kids.
I know everybody eats that.
Thank you.
And in case
anybody's going to ask,
I did not get that clown.
Oh. Oh.
He got booked in some
off-Broadway show.
About clowns? I
think we saw that.
It's not the one
where they take
their clothes off, is it?
Who knew that could be boring?
Want something a little
stronger there, Carlton?
He'll manage.
We were thinking about you, Don.
We saw this thing on TV.
It was right in the middle
of the news. It was cute.
The guy flying with his hat on.
Did you do that
one? It was so cute.
I think the man looks exactly like
Henry. Except not as handsome.
I haven't seen that.
I'm going to go and
leave the kids' food out.
Let's not even bother
trying to get them to sit.
I'll co-pilot.
Heard a good one the other day.
No, Chet.
I'm gonna tell the joke.
Your wife and your
lawyer are drowning.
You have a choice to make:
you go to lunch or a movie?
It's good, right?
Hey, I'm missing the ball game.
I might as well have some fun.
Hey.
So how are things
on Mad Ave, Don?
Looks like they're
taking care of you.
We got it all, huh?
Yep, this is it.
Maybe it's his
obsession with sports,
but it's been hard for Jack.
Marilyn, I've been
watching Kevin,
and he gets around very well.
Hmm.
I bet he doesn't
know the difference.
He does.
He's very determined.
Jack really gets angry
anytime someone
mentions the vaccine,
and I tell him we
should be grateful.
First of all, it could
have been much worse.
It could have
gotten to his lungs.
Second of all, this can't
happen to other children.
They think they're athletes.
I want to say to Chet,
"I saw you play
football in high school.
Your son's going to be a
tackling dummy just like you."
According to Glen here,
when the door's
a little bit open,
you're supposed to come in.
Hello, Helen.
I hate to start with
a bunch of excuses,
but the babysitter was late,
and I still haven't
unpacked all the boxes,
so this was the only
paper I could find.
It should be Christmas all year
as far as I'm concerned.
A jury in New York City
is expected to receive
the tax evasion paper...
Opera's production
of Mozart's Marriage of Figaro,
with Robert Merrill
and Joan Sutherland.
Don, you have to pick
up the cake from Hightop.
Oh, and this is Helen Bishop
and Glen.
Nice to meet you all.
Don. He goes with me.
Then Carlton, Chet, and Jack.
Glen, I'm pretty sure there are
some peanut butter
sandwiches and a BB gun
out there in the backyard.
Why don't you come with me?
Don, can I speak with you?
Let's see, I told
you about the cake,
and... oh, can you take
some movies this time?
Of everyone or
just Chief Tiny Tim?
You bought that camera,
and you always forget.
Okay.
Ladies, ladies, this
is Helen Bishop.
This is Marilyn.
Nice to meet you.
And Nancy.
She seems scared, poor thing.
Trust me, those hens are
gonna peck her to death.
Do you see her running around
in that little Volkswagen?
That's kind of desperate.
That won't help her.
It's got no back seat.
She'll have to find
some midget hitchhiker.
Last time I saw one of those,
I think I was throwing
a grenade into it.
Yeah.
The problem with Easter break
is it's too long.
The doldrums.
We're thinking about
seven days, six nights,
in Boca Raton,
with mosquitoes as
big as a silver dollar.
And believe me, those
aren't the only giant noses
you'll have to deal with.
Francine.
Carlton and I went
there on our honeymoon,
and all I can say is
we were outnumbered.
It's uncomfortable.
You want to be able to relax.
We went to Bermuda
on our honeymoon.
Pink sand beaches.
Oh! Mmm!
Where did you go?
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
It's okay. I went to Paris.
Four years of Mount
Holyoke French.
Haven't used it since.
And I wouldn't give it back,
even being with Glen's father.
Is that your ex-husband?
Yes.
I went to Italy.
Not on my honeymoon,
but right after I
graduated from Bryn Mawr.
What a summer.
Three Coins in the Fountain.
It was right about that time.
You must have loved Paris.
It's all walking.
What do you mean?
Just that I've seen you
walking around the neighborhood.
I've seen you, too,
when I was driving.
I think I waved.
Where are you going
when you do that?
No place. I just like to walk.
But where?
Anywhere.
It just relaxes me
and clears my mind.
I heard on the radio
that Einstein did it.
Einstein? He's got his
hands into everything.
Sweetie.
Hi, Daddy!
♪♪
What are you, Frank Sinatra?
I was looking for Glen.
Bunch of them just ran through.
There are the boys.
How are we doing?
Ahem. It's, uh,
it's Helen, right?
I know your situation,
and my heart breaks
for that little boy.
I have a baby, too.
You can act strong,
but I just want to volunteer.
If you ever need someone
to throw the ball around
with him some Sunday,
take him to the beach.
That would be nice.
I'm sure eventually
I'd get so used to
your Sunday visits,
I'd join you at the beach,
just the four of us.
Then one night, you'd
drop us off at the house
and walk me in with an umbrella.
The kids would go to sleep,
and we'd laugh about
all the funny things
that happened at
the beach that day.
I don't want you
telling Francine
that I suggested
something that I didn't.
Well, I'm sorry if
I misunderstood.
♪♪
You dented the car.
I like sleeping on the couch.
I don't like your tone.
Take your shoes off.
Interesting crowd in there.
Same crowd out here.
How about the Einstein thing?
I wonder if old Albert
swung his hips like
that when he walked.
She probably got her
hair tips from him, too.
Glen is so quiet.
Not to mention wrinkled.
Maybe she hasn't
unpacked her iron, either.
Christmas paper? Please.
She works.
It has to be hard
to run a house, too.
Manning a counter
at a jewelry store?
It's not that demanding.
I don't know. I had a job in
sales before I was a mom.
Have you seen my mom?
No, honey. Maybe
she's in the dining room.
Betty.
What?
Don, will you please go to
Hightop and get the cake?
Hey. Don't run in the house.
What is going on in here?
Your kid knocked over a drink.
You need to tell him
this is not a jungle gym.
Ernie, did you hear
what Mr. Farrelly said?
Did you say you were sorry?
Do you want some more?
No. Come on. He heard me.
Go get your mother and
have her clean this up.
Okay. Thank you.
The woman at the bakery said
he picked up the cake
almost an hour ago.
Do you think he had an accident?
Let's go.
We haven't done birthday cake.
There's not going to be a cake.
Am I the only one
that knows that?
Don Draper, you
are a first class heel,
and I salute you.
Let's go.
Swell party. Food was delicious.
I might have a cake.
A Sara Lee in my freezer.
Well, could you go get it?
Please. That would be so great.
Yay! Yay!
Yay!
♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For Sally's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
Happy Birthday, little lady.
See you later, alligator.
Remember, the big
G stands for goodness.
Big G little O means "Go"
with the goodness of Cheerios!
You forgot something, Kid.
Right. More Cheerios.
I'll never smile again.
That's my line.
Daddy!
Mommy, Mommy, look!
Daddy got me a doggy!
I don't even know what to say.
I want to name her...
Polly! Polly doggy!
Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Happy birthday, baby.
♪ Nothing more for me to say ♪
♪ And so I'll close ♪
♪ But by the way ♪
♪ Everybody's thinkin' of you ♪
♪ P.S. I love you ♪
♪ Oo-oo-ooh ♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA