Mad Dogs (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

All: Ahh!

[Airplane engine roaring]

_

Why have you come to Belize?

I've been asking myself that same question.

Seemed like a good idea.

Four days of peace and quiet.

[Telephone ringing]

Drink de rum.

Have de party.

Dance at de...



[without accent] Just hang out.

[Telephone ringing]

I couldn't believe it, a free vacation.

- Uh!
- Jesus Christ.

- Hey, Cobi.
- Nice ass.

Hey, buddy, how you doing, good?

- Hey, Joel.
- Hey, Cobi, hey.

Hey, Gus is right behind me.

I don't know where he is, but...

Did you guys fly in together?

Uh, yeah... well, same
connection from Dallas.

I flew from Indianapolis.

He came from Grand Rapids.

What the hell you doing up there?



- Chasing a dream, bro.
- Oh, yeah?

- They have those up there?
- Yeah, they have them.

I didn't say I didn't know where it was.

I said it's not where I thought it was.

Where did you think it was?

I don't know, some island in
the Caribbean or something.

- We're in Central America.
- I know that now.

They promised that my bag will arrive

with the next flight,
and they'll deliver it.

Oh, somebody's wearing the same clothes

till they get home.

[Scoffs] Still the funny guy.

Man, we're good on maracas,
man. Thank you. I don't get it.

If he can live anywhere he wants to,

why would he choose to live here?

Well, isn't this place
supposed to be, like,

party fucking central,
girls gone wild and shit?

Doubt that. We're on the mosquito coast.

It's all about the taxes.

He's here for a tax break?

The rich retirees he sold the properties to

moved here for the tax breaks,

and now he's staying
here for the tax breaks.

- How do you know?
- Dude, I'm a financial consultant.

I spend all day on this stuff.

If someone told me 20 years ago that people

would entrust Cobi with
their life savings...

I can hear you. I'm right there.

Wow.

- _
- Oh, okay.

You got to be kidding me.

[Chuckles] It's kind of funny.

Who the fuck is he calling a loser anyway?

Look both ways, gentlemen, both ways.

Is this a fully stocked bar I see?

- Nice, look at this.
- Got one for each.

- Nice bag.
- Nice leather.

Didn't know where Belize was, huh?

Take this map. That's for you.

Mango. Fresh mango.

Mango for you.

Here's one for me: "I
need fi buy some draws."

- Draws?
- "I'd like to buy some underwear."

"Dis da where the kruffy bathe nekkid?"

"Where is the nearest nudist beach?"

[Laughter] "Dat deh gal sick."

"She has AIDS."

Oh, man.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, boo.

- Check that out.
- Hell, yes.

- Yeah, all right.
- Really gonna be doing that?

- Yes, we are.
- I'm doing that.

This has got to be worth seeing, right?

- Yeah.
- Fuck you.

- Sign me up.
- Fuck you.

I'd rather go on my own anyway, so...

- Hey, nice gift, Milo, right?
- We all got one of those?

Come on, Lex, flash me some
ass for old times' sake.

You know what? Excuse me.

Can we pull over to a
Starbucks or something?

Yeah, man, a latte would be great.

[People chattering, laughing]

Is it legal to just have your
cock out on the street like that?

- [Laughter]
- I'm serious.

[Horn honks]

Where the hell is this place?

[Electronic chime]

Hey, Milo!

We're here!

Wow.

That's got to be worth 3 million.

Yeah, but your money
goes further down here.

- It's still in the millions.
- Beautiful.

- Oh, man.
- Are you kidding?

[Laughs] That's ridiculous.

Milo.

Welcome to Belize.

Holy fucking shit.

- Oh, hell yeah.
- [Laughs]

- Wow.
- Hell yeah.

Ooh!

Oh, man.

It's unbelievable.

Look at that.

Great to see you.

All right, all right, when do I move in?

This is pretty impressive.

Of all my friends' beachfront villas,

this is definitely my favorite.

[Laughter]

How's he get to retire at his age?

Apparently he got this
amazing offer for the company

right out of the blue.

24 hours later, boom, sold, just like that.

How do you know?

He called me about three weeks ago

when he was trying to decide what to do.

Why didn't he call me?

An amazing offer out of the blue.

Always was a lucky son of a bitch.

Milo always had smarts. Give him that.

There's no artistry in
selling real estate, Gus.

It's about timing. Anyone could do it.

- Why didn't you do it?
- Exactly.

Yeah, right, like that's me.

Okay.

You got, like, a soda or something?

- Yeah, just inside on the left.
- There you go.

Nice.

You're my first guests.

Good call.

That's what I'm saying.

To old friends.

To Milo,

happy retirement, you lucky bastard,

and for flying us all down here.

You always had a big heart, bro.

- Yeah. Hear, hear.
- Cheers.

Thank you.

Oh, shit.

I told Helena that I'd
call her when I got here.

- Damn it.
- How is Helena?

Uh, fine, says hi.

You get a signal here, Milo?

No, the mountains screw it up,
but you know where you get it?

You see that palm tree over there,

the one that's bending down?

Top of that, sometimes you get a signal.

Oh, all right.

So what are we looking at
here, your own private beach?

Uh, yeah, actually.

You can only get to it by boat.

Closest neighbor is 4 miles that way.

You don't want to walk it, though,

'cause it turns into mangrove swamp.

[Grunting]

- There is no signal, is there?
- Uh, no.

[Laughter]

Got to go higher.

[Grunting]

Keep going.

[Laughs]

All: Oh.

Hey, assholes!

Sorry, man, my bad.

Hut! Hut! Hut!

[Indistinct chatter]

Oh, yeah. What?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

[Exotic music]

♪

Oh!

Oh!

Get your ass in the water.

Really, you fuckers?

[Laughter]

Oh!

- All: Cheers.
- Yeah.

Losers, are we? Huh?

Take it.

Gus, you're not gonna change?

Hilarious.

You done good, kid.

At least one of us fucking clowns

finally cracked it, right?

Look,

still buddies.

Don't you think that's pretty special?

Yeah, I do.

I just wish you would have come down here

when I started the business.

You'd have been a great right-hand man.

Lord knows I could have used your help.

Man, if I'd have come
down here three years ago

when you started, right now,

I'd be lying in some skanky dope
house with a pipe in one hand

and some strung-out
beach bunny in the other.

Actually, that sounds pretty good, right?

[Electronic chime]

[Sighs]

- Time to go.
- All right.

Whatever you want, it's on me.

Why don't you let us treat you, Milo?

No, you hold on to your money.

It's not like we can't afford it.

No, really, he's owed me
10 grand for two years.

If he'd just acknowledge it
occasionally, not that I need it.

- I'll order for everyone.
- Or we could order ourselves.

I think we know how the system works:

Waitress, notepad.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- Good to see you again.
- Come here. Meet my friends.

This is Lex.

We grew up, like, two
blocks away from each other,

which means he knows far too much about me.

All the filthy secrets.

Don't listen to a word he says.

This is Joel,

absolutely the smartest,
possibly the kindest guy I know.

- Oh, really?
- And this is Gus, recently divorced,

- so if there's anyone you know who's...
- I'm fine.

- Thank you.
- I've never seen this man before in my life.

Please have him removed from the building.

His name is Cobi, actually,

and he's one of my best friends,

almost was my business partner.

Things get any better

with the kids since you moved?

Not really.

I thought I'd just leave
them alone for a while,

let them come to me when they're ready.

I'm still waiting.

[Sniffs]

[Laughs]

- What?
- Is it good?

It's free.

Thinking about a move to
the east coast, you know,

maybe find a position in a
college there teaching still,

new start, you know, clean break.

Thank you, you too.

You buy this shit?

- What?
- The house,

- retirement, Belize.
- Whenever you're ready.

You think it's legit?

Why? Don't you?

He's different, you know?

The motherfucker got an accent now?

[Laughs]

You still doing construction?

Me and this guy I know are
trying to flip some houses.

That can be lucrative.

Yeah, except right now,
he's doing the flipping,

and I'm hanging the drywall.

Oh, they ought to warn
you when you graduate:

Here's your diploma.

All that "reach for your dreams",

you can achieve anything"
commencement speech,

it's horseshit.

- The deck is stacked.
- Yeah, but it shouldn't be,

you know? We're male.

We're educated-ish.

- We're white.
- Ish.

What the fuck is he talking about?

- Sorry.
- You know what I say we do?

Fuck it. Let's go do some clubbing.

Yeah, me and those places
don't exactly mix anymore.

Come on, guys, let's go
out and show some younguns

how to really do the running man, huh?

[Laughter]

Come on. Let's go. Come on. Come on.

Lawrence, I was hoping to run into you.

Did you get my messages?

Yes. Yes, I did.

'Cause I didn't hear back from you,

so I... you understand, right?

I got the offer for the business,

and the timing was just
too good to pass up.

Of course I understand.

You've made your money, and
now you're gonna fuck off

and sit by your pool.

Or maybe you think that's
the way things work down here:

Cash in, check out.

You suggest I owe you something?

Seems a bit ungrateful.

I'm gonna send over a package to you,

and then I'm gonna call you,

and I'm gonna tell you
where I want you to take it.

♪ we have a truck on the road ♪

♪ ya better link me
for a croc on the road ♪

♪

♪ ya better link me
for a croc on the road ♪

♪ on the road on the road ♪

♪ on the road

♪ ya better link me for a croc ♪

♪ we on the road with
the wickedest trucks ♪

♪ we have the big bad sound
system and the wickedest box ♪

♪ and the gal and dem that we
know got the wickedest box ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ ah

♪ I don't know why

♪ anymore

♪ oh, no, so

All: * come on, feel the noise *

♪ girls, rock your boys

♪ we get wild, wild, wild

♪ we get wild, wild

[techno music]

♪

[thunder]

[All cheering]

- Oh, man.
- Haven't done that in years.

Yeah, we could tell, man.

- I think I herniated something.
- [Laughs]

I'm serious.

So are we, like, middle-aged now?

How does that happen?

One minute, you're looking
forward to everything,

and the next, you're looking
back over your shoulder.

Every time you get a headache,

you think it's a fucking brain tumor.

[Laughter]

- What?
- I'm serious.

Man, whatever.

If something ever happens to me,

this place, this villa,

it's yours.

I don't have any family, so
I left it to the four of you.

True.

No, I...

it's all settled. I talked
to the lawyers and everything.

In case I choke on an oyster or something,

I'd rather you had it than

some corrupt local official.

I told you I'd find the way back.

Is that Junior?

Did he make it back?

Hey, guys.

[Sighs]

Oh, this is Angel.

She's from Belmo...

- Belmopan.
- Belmopan.

Uh, she gave me a ride home,

so I invited her in for a nightcap.

My house is your house.

Thank you.

[Laughter]

Good night, everybody.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[Chuckles]

Think we should... we
should say something, right?

Say something like what, Joel?

Like, "the guy's married."

"We were best men at his wedding."

- And?
- He doesn't know what he's doing.

- I think he has a pretty good idea.
- Joel. Joel.

- Cobi.
- Joel.

Cobi.

Yo.

What are you doing?

Having a drink.

[Laughs]

What are you doing?

Rocking place.

Thank you.

[Mellow music]

♪

It's actually my buddy's place,

but I get to use it whenever I fly down.

Are we gonna make dem porno?

Holy shit. That is my favorite film genre.

You want to see this?

Hello.

- Hello.
- [Laughs]

Yeah.

Strip for me, then, boy.

- [Laughs]
- All right.

Yes.

So me like it.

Yes, yes, take off that.

Oh, yes.

Oh, man.

[Bed creaking]

Shit.

[Both murmuring]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Want me to do it like that?

[Creaking continues]

Yes. Yes.

[Laughs]

- Shh.
- Don't look at me.

Yes! [Moaning loudly]

- Shh.
- Me can't be quiet.

Me can't be quiet.

Oh, yes, Jesus. Mmm!

Dig it up. Dig it up.

Dig it up. Dig it up. Dig it up.

Dig what up?

It's kind of tragic, though.

What was she, like, 20?

- He could be her dad.
- Yeah, right there.

I don't think he could be her dad.

[Laughs]

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

I can blackmail his ass.

Why do you want to blackmail him?

Many reasons, Lex. Many fucking reasons.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- [Moans loudly]

Oh, yes!

[Telephone rings]

Who's calling you at 3:00 in the morning?

Business.

I thought you...

I thought he retired.

Hey. He's leaving us the
villa? What was that about?

That was strange.

Oh, yes, Jesus! Aah!

Look, Lawrence.

You are the Don Dada!

- [Continues shouting]
- And I already told you

- that I don't owe you anything.
- Ah!

There's always a next time and a next...

That's-a right, that's-a right!

- Just like that.
- Oh!

Oh, yes. Jesus Christ!

This has never been my...

that's not my...

You approached me!

- [Shouts]
- [Grunts]

Okay.

- Because I'm out.
- Yes!

- Oh, yes, yes, yes!
- Mick... listen...

Oh, yes, that's right!

Give it to me, take my body!

Come, come, come, come!

- Whoo!
- [Gasps]

I don't know what I was drinking,

but when I woke up, I
thought I was in Belize.

[Chuckles]

Do you know what cowboys
used to eat to cure hangovers?

Rabbit turds.

Please don't tell me you tried it.

Maybe.

Milo, the whole trip has been worth it

just to see Joel dancing.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Care for some coffee?

No.

Please, can someone open the gate?

Me want to go home.

Sure. Cobi.

Yeah.

Be a gentleman. Let your friend out.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, sorry, be right down.

You boys was pretty mash up last night

with your crazy dancing.

Me not know which part you learn to dance.

How are you?

I am good.

Good.

Hi.

You all behave yourselves, now.

Okay if I make some breakfast?

Yeah.

What are you making?

I'm gonna wing it, see
what he's got in here.

Look at that. The man's got skills.

Got to be more than the
hash slinger in my position.

What position?

Divorced. I got two teenage daughters.

I got to prove that I can
do everything their mom can,

only better.

What's it like being single again?

Who says I'm single?

Oh, nice. Who is she?

I'm single.

[Coughs]

Ugh.

Milo.

There's something on
the bottom of your pool.

You think it just fell in?

As opposed to what?

It was taking a dip, and it got a cramp?

Go and get it, Cobi.

- Why do I have to do it?
- 'Cause I asked you.

There's shovels in the garage.

Bury it behind those trees over there.

Why don't you bury it?

'Cause I've got to arrange for
someone to disinfect my pool.

Aw, man.

God damn it,

why am I always the fucking guy?

I mean, seriously, I'm always the guy.

- You're the man, Cob.
- Why don't you help out?

I'm coming. I'm coming.

You know, every time I go
on vacation, this happens.

Oh, God!

- Does that make you horny?
- Shut the fuck up.

Ugh.

- Why are we doing this?
- You're not, Joel. I am.

You think he'd have a groundskeeper

or something to take care
of this kind of stuff.

Oh, yeah, you're nothing in Belize

unless you have your own goat burier.

Get out of here.

You realize what's happening, right?

We're all beholden to him now.

Why, because he paid for the trip?

Oh, that's right. You weren't there.

- He said he's leaving us the villa.
- Shoo.

Go away.

- What?
- Yeah.

When did he say that?

When you were balls deep in a tween.

I mean, really, Cobi,

how are we supposed to
look Helena in the eye?

I can't think of reason
why you'd need to look her

in the eye, Joel, but, you
know, thanks for caring. Wait.

He's giving us the villa?

He said if anything happens
to him, he'd leave it to us.

You don't think he's
sick or anything, do you,

and that's why he's got us all here?

He got us here to show off. It's obvious.

- Joel's jealous.
- [Grunts]

Asshole.

- My new glasses.
- You want to fight?

Don't fucking touch me, man.

Nice house.

Oh, listen, a friend of
mine offered us his boat.

I figured we'd go pick up some supplies,

go fishing, motor up the coast.

Guatemala's two hours that way.

Sure you don't want us to stay here

and dig another hole for you?

I'll see you downstairs in half an hour.

Bring your bathing suits.

Hey.

What's up with the box?

It's paperwork.

It has to do with the sale of the company.

Ah, hey, the guys told me
what you said last night

about leaving us the villa.

Yeah, it's yours, man.

Well, obviously, I hope it never is,

but, I mean, I appreciate the gesture.

Is everything okay?

You know, you should
bring Helena down here.

What?

Oh.

Uh, yeah, she'd love it.

You ever think about her and Joel,

how they used to date?

20 years ago?

Yeah, but he really loved her.

You ever wonder if they keep in touch?

Guatemala.

You said it was, what,
two hours away from here?

- Are you happy, Cobi?
- Yeah.

Why wouldn't I be?

I just wondered if you ever regretted

not getting involved with this, with me

when you had the chance.

You really didn't want to take
that risk, though, did you?

I don't know. I guess...

I don't really think about it.

Maybe you should.

Maybe you should next time you're

sitting in your little office

with its vertical blinds and its

fluorescent lighting and its lunch hours.

I'm just busting your balls.
Come here. You did good.

- Yeah.
- You did all right.

Yeah.

At least you're not
bullshitting us like Gus, right?

Gus.

Eh.

Downstairs in 20, yeah?

Okay.

[Laughter]

Yeah!

- Oh, that's nice.
- Oh, faster, faster.

- [Laughs]
- Yeah.

Only grab essentials.

- Is that heavy?
- No, I'm good.

- Need me to help?
- No.

No?

- This one?
- Uh-uh.

This?

Holy shit!

[Rock music]

♪

Whoo!

- Yeah.
- Cobi.

[Laughter]

Oh, man.

Two against one.

Yeah, so I started playing golf.

[Laughs] No.

It's great for taking clients out.

- You any good?
- Nah, you don't want to be.

- You got to let them win.
- Jesus, listen to you guys.

Don't any of you have any ambition left?

Maybe we're happy with who we are.

Where's the fire in your belly, huh?

- Cobi?
- What?

You don't know about fire in your belly,

but I'll tell you what,
you're gonna find fire

in your cock, aren't you?

Yeah.

"Here, Helena, I brought you
a present back from Belize:"

- "Gonorrhea."
- Easy.

Guess you better hope that
Joel doesn't go tell her.

Fuck's sake, man.

So, Milo, this boat dude,

is he, like, a good buddy or what?

Not really.

To be honest, most of them
down here are total cunts.

The place attracts them.

Then why'd he lend you the boat?

He didn't.

Someone put a goat in my pool.

Are you saying we stole this boat?

Milo, that doesn't sound smart, bro.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- Just take it easy.

I'm just flexing a little muscle.

You do remember how to
do that, don't you, Joel?

You just implicated us in piracy!

Jesus Christ, Milo.

I cannot believe I chose you guys

to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with me.

No, no, no, some of us
have responsibilities, man.

I have a business. I have kids, bro.

Look, I don't know
what's going on down here,

but can we just...

- Take us back now!
- Do it, Milo.

Just take us back.

Or what?

You do it.

Assuming you can navigate
the reefs and the mud flats,

help yourself.

- No?
- Why you being such a prick?

No, you don't get to call me that, see,

'cause I'm the captain.

[Engine turns]

Captain Prick.

Don't worry. We're not really stealing it.

We're just gonna leave it someplace

where it'll be difficult
for the owner to find.

It's schoolyard rules around here.

Somebody pushes, you push back; That's all.

You know what? I really don't give a fuck.

If you're gonna pull shit
like that, tell us first.

Jump off, Joel.

Where?

- Jump off.
- You serious?

There's nothing to walk on.

- Careful.
- Fuck.

[Swamp creatures buzzing, chirping]

Jesus Christ.

Catch.

Ah! Ow.

You fucking ass.

- You broke my glasses.
- Tie us off, will you?

The only pair I have.

I got it. Go ahead.

Which way?

Straight ahead. Walk for daylight.

[Insects buzzing]

[Beep]

[Insect buzzes]

So, like, where do we go to get a cab, man?

A cab?

We hike, amigos.

Hey, Milo,

when you eventually tell this
guy where the boat is, you know,

you don't need to mention, like, us, right?

Gus was telling me that
you're lonely, Joel,

- that you're going inside your shell?
- What'd he say?

He thinks you might be
clinically depressed.

He says you have this inability

- to form meaningful relationships.
- That's bullshit.

I said no such thing.

Ah, it's probably for the best.

I mean, look at him.

Wife's taken him to the cleaner's.

What makes you think that?

Who got the house?

Oh, fuck.

- God damn it.
- You all right?

- You okay?
- Can we slow the fuck up?

I'm wearing loafers, for Christ's sake.

I honestly think he's gone completely nuts.

I think he's been living alone too long.

Motherfucker went all
Colonel Kurtz on our asses.

Oh, great.

Just what I wanted, melanoma.

- All right, I'm leaving.
- How?

Get on a plane.

- You're just gonna go?
- Why not?

Well, he'll probably
never speak to you again

- for one thing.
- Perfect.

I think he's in trouble.

Yeah, something's going on.

Yeah, isn't that the time
we need to be there for him?

Yeah, but if he is in trouble,

do we really want to be dragged into it?

If he needs our help, yeah.

Why can't any of you stand up to him?

Like, you're so in awe just 'cause

he has a big fucking house.

Hey, come on, Joel, we're a team.

- We're best buds.
- No, we're not.

[Laughs] We don't even like each other.

I'll tell you something.
If you were in trouble,

he'd be there for you in a fucking minute.

Bullshit, Lex.

The only thing we have
in common is the fact

we knew each other back in the day.

I mean, I'm a grown man. I have a life.

I don't have to have
loyalty to him or any of you.

Wow,

thank you, man. Jesus.

If that's the way you feel, why the
fuck did you even come down here?

You want to know why? Because Gus

said he wouldn't come unless
I came. I'm sorry, Gus.

I didn't want to be the reason
that he didn't get a vacation.

No, don't turn this shit around on me, bro.

You didn't want to come either?

I wasn't sure if I was
gonna be able to come.

The man just willed us his villa.

If you believe that, you're a moron.

Maybe he just got overexcited

because we're all here.

We're going home.

So if you could... if you
could call us a ride...

You all want to go?

If you do, that's fine.

It's just that Joel has a habit
of speaking for all of you.

- He can't help it. It's his inner-teacher.
- Naw...

we all want to split.

All right,

the flight's at 11:00.
I'll make sure you're on it.

Can I make a suggestion, though?

Stay for dinner?

Let me explain today.

Your ride will come in time

to get you to your flight.

Fair enough?

All right.

I'm sorry.

I know I pissed you guys off,

and if there's any way
I can make it right...

- I guess I misjudged...
- Us,

yes.

You know, that's not really
what I was about to say,

but thank you for interrupting me, Joel.

[Soft slurping]

- You sure you want all that?
- Mm-hmm.

Yes, I am, but thank you, mom.

Can I

- speak honestly to you all about something?
- I doubt it.

- Would you just fuck right off?
- Joel... Milo,

- just say what you were gonna
say. I mean, no, forget it.

Wait for your cab, and
then go home, would you?

When you gonna get out there again, huh?

Out where?

Dating.

Oh. [Laughs]

I hadn't really given
that a lot of thought.

Hey, remember that French chick

you used to see before Lindsay? Um...

Uh, Kehme.

She was batshit crazy.

[Laughter]

- Mind you, they're the best in bed.
- The French?

- The lunatics.
- [Laughter]

Can't beat low self-esteem in the sack.

They're up for anything.

Your Kayla was probably
like that, wasn't she, Lex?

- Why would you say that?
- 'Cause she tried to cut her wrists.

- Can't get lower self-esteem than that. What?
- That's off limits.

No. If you're gonna do it, you do it.

- Could you not talk about that, please?
- For, like, the next 45 minutes?

What else should we talk about?

How about how Joel is
still in love with Helena?

Why do you keep bringing her up?

I don't need to listen to this,

and thank you for including me,

but I don't want any part of your villa.

- You don't want it?
- No.

No. Of course you don't. You know why?

Because you always thought
you were better than me,

more deserving, and for the life of you,

you cannot figure out why I have all this,

and you got... What?

How ironic that the
person who has everything

- is so desperately unhappy.
- You are so ecstatic.

You have five fucking bedrooms,
but you still can't sleep.

"I want my Helena back"?

Why don't you go back to
your midwestern duplex, Joel,

and mark off the days
until you got the balls

to take the overdose.
And, Cobi, what are you?

You're like some puffed-up,
low-level accountant?

[Slams] I'm a financial consultant.

Jesus Christ, Milo, you know,

you've been on my case
since I fucking got here!

Just... you know what? Just spew it out,

because you clearly got a bug
up your ass about something.

You think you are this
big fish in a small pond...

- Okay.
- And that is what you are...

- you are pond life.
- Whatever, fine.

Lexi, I love you, bro, but you are a loser,

and what pisses me off
more than anything else

is how comfortable you are with that,

so you go back to whoever's
couch it is you're crashing on

or weekend drum circle, and, Gus...

- I've been waiting for this all day.
- You are a fraud.

You are living this
gigantic lie in your suit

with your fucking fountain
pen, and you lie to us,

and what's worse is you lie
to yourself, and about what?

Because you can't face the
fact that you fucked up?

That you had it all? You lost it.

You made your choices.

I made mine.

Now, get the fuck out of my house.

A cat just walked in.

[Accented man] Where is the boat?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Gunshot]

Open your mouth.

[Whimpering]

Don't bother with the police.

We are the police.

24 hour.

Bring us that boat...

Or...

Puhh!

Milo.

He's dead, Joel.

You can't die on us.

Half his head came apart.

- Where's the... we got to call the police.
- He is the police.

The police don't go
around in fucking cat masks

- shooting people!
- He left in a police boat!

- We'll go to the embassy and explain.
- No, you don't get it.

He blew Milo's head off

because we took the boat.

They'll have a 24-hour
emergency line or someth...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Ow. Ow.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Uh, what do you think their 911 is?

- I'll try 911.
- Put the down the phone!

Motherfucker took my DNA.

He can use that to place
the black guy from Chicago

in any crime scene he wants,

so you can't call the police, Joel.

- There'll be an investigation.
- We want an investigation!

By a third world police force?

Milo just left us this villa, man,

his four broke-ass friends.

We turn up, and then this?

I'm being framed for murder.

- By who?
- I don't know!

- Let's go. Let's just go.
- If we run,

they will track us down.

- The cat?
- Yes, Lex, the cat,

who may or may not be the fucking police.

Does Belize have an extradition...

You would know that.
You were a lawyer. You...

Corporate. I did tax fraud.

Well, maybe that'd come up in your class?

Maybe it did! How the fuck would I know?

- Then Google it!
- If you do that,

there will be an online record of us

searching for extradition,
which makes us more guilty!

Listen.

He would have killed us
if he wanted to, right?

He just wants his boat back,

so that's what we do.

We get rid of the body

in case somebody shows up.

We clean this place up,

and then we bring the
boat back to the marina.

Then we get the...

Fuck out of here.

We go home,

get on with our lives.

We don't have to

see each other or talk
about this ever again.

Ugh.

[Splash]

[Clank]

[Sobbing]

[Sighs]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, is Mr. Milo at home?

Uh, no. He's away.

- Oh, I didn't know.
- Yeah, he's not here.

We're house-sitting, so...

- Ay! You hurt your arm.
- Oh, right, it was

too many beers.

Or maybe you were fighting?

American men, you love to fight, no?

So, right, you don't need to clean today,

'cause we had a party last night, and

so we already cleaned
up. It's... it's clean.

- Why?
- We didn't think it would be nice

to leave you with a big mess.

Oh, no, I mean, why did you have a party?

Oh...

- It was my birthday.
- We're having a reunion.

- Well, it was his birthday.
- And a reunion.

Both.

Ah.

So why don't you just...

you can take the day off. I mean, it's...

[Woman giggles]

Actually, I'm not your housekeeper.

We're looking for a boat

that has been stolen,

and we thought maybe Mr. Milo
could help with our investigation.

He's where?

Guatemala.

He's, um, showing a property.

He'll be back...

Uh, what is it... the day after tomorrow.

Oh, okay.

I'll come back then.

Excuse me, um,

why would Milo know
anything about a stolen boat?

I don't know. Maybe he doesn't.

Whoever took it must be crazy.

It belongs to a man named Jesus.

He's very dangerous, a psychopath.

When people cross him,

he cuts off their hands and their feet,

so

I'm sure it will appear.

Okay, bye.

I'm getting out of here.

Jesus fucking Christ!

- Lex, I need some pants.
- What?

I burned my suit. I need some pants.

- I burned my pants.
- Wait.

I'm getting back to
Chicago if I've got to walk

- through fucking Mexico!
- Stop. Wait.

Joel, I can't get on a plane without pants.

- I left my camera on the boat.
- You got any cash?

The camera, I left it on the boat!

All right, who gives a
shit? You can have mine then.

I filmed us!

It shows us calling each other by name

on the boat. It even
shows us in here with Milo.

It's like a fucking episode
of America's Most Wanted!

Sorry.

[Upbeat bluesy music]

♪ yeah ♪

♪ all right ♪

♪ the line I shoot, I never miss ♪

♪ I can make love to you, baby ♪

♪ you can't resist ♪

♪ 'cause I'm a man ♪

♪ a man of all men ♪

♪ that's spelled m ♪

♪ that's spelled a-n ♪

♪ man ♪

♪ a man ♪

♪ a man ♪

♪ a man ♪

♪