Mad About You (1992–1999): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Good, the Bad and the Not-So-Appealing - full transcript

MM...

MMM...

OW, OW, OW.

MM...

♪ TELL ME WHY... ♪

♪ I LOVE YA LIKE I DO ♪

♪ TELL ME WHO... ♪

♪ CAN STOP MY HEART
AS MUCH AS YOU ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE EACH OTHER'S HAND ♪

♪ AS WE JUMP INTO
THE FINAL FRONTIER ♪

♪ MAD ABOUT YOU, BABY ♪



♪ YEAH ♪♪

WE'LL ZIP OVER TO 8th STREET
FOR THE DRY CLEANERS,

WE'LL SWING OVER
TO 6th FOR THE SHIRTS,

JUMP OVER TO UNION
SQUARE FOR GROCERIES,

THEN WE'LL, UH... SCOOT.

SCOOT. THANKS.

WE'LL SCOOT TO 14th
STREET FOR THE SHOE GUY.

GLAD IT'S THE WEEKEND?

WELCOME TO LIFE
IN THE BIG CITY...

WORK ALL WEEK LIKE A DOG...

[WOOF] THAT'S A
FIGURE OF SPEECH...

SO SATURDAY YOU CAN CARRY
YOUR PANTS FOR 30 BLOCKS.

WE'RE NOT LEAVING UNTIL
WE MAKE A GROCERY LIST.

COME ON. WE'LL JUST
GO. WE'LL PERUSE.



THAT'S HOW WE GET INTO TROUBLE.

WHAT TROUBLE?

HEARTS OF PALM?

I JUST WANTED TO
KNOW WHAT THAT WAS.

WRITE DOWN MILK.

MILK. GOT TO HAVE MILK.

COOKIES.

GOES RIGHT WITH THE MILK.

CHICKEN.

HEY, HOW ABOUT VEAL?

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER VEAL.

BECAUSE IT'S SO CRUEL
HOW THEY RAISE THEM.

THAT'S RIGHT.

CHICKENS... WHAT, DO YOU THINK
THEY TAKE THEM DANCING FIRST?

WRITE DOWN EGGS.

WHICH COMES FIRST,
CHICKEN OR EGGS?

YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

I'M WRITING "EGGS."
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

HI, SYLVIA.

REALLY?

NOONISH.

NO.

O.K., WE'LL BE THERE. BYE-BYE.

UNLESS POSSIBLY YES.

SHE'S HAVING A THING.

A THING?

A LUNCH.

WE HAVE NO TIME.

WE GOT SCOOTING, WE GOT ZIPPING,

AT SOME POINT, I HAVE
TO CALL MY EDITOR.

I HAVE TO LISTEN TO SALMON.

I'M SORRY?

FOR THAT FISH MOVIE.

DID YOU KNOW SALMON
ACTUALLY SING TO EACH OTHER?

WHAT... WHAT DO THEY SING?

IRONICALLY, SHOW TUNES.

WELL, SHE NEEDS A
PLATE WE BORROWED.

A PLATE? A DISH.

A DISH?

ARE YOU 90 YEARS OLD?

A FARBERWARE DISH.
SHE NEEDS IT BACK.

OH, ARE YOU BLIND.

WHAT?

MY MOTHER HAS, LIKE,
6,000 FARBERWARE DISHES.

FARBER CALLS HER FOR DISHES.

THIS IS... THIS IS A TRICK.

I WANT TO SEE HER. SO WHAT?

EXCUSE ME?

SHE'S GOING TO BE OUR
CHILDREN'S GRANDMOTHER.

I'D LIKE TO TRY TO CULTIVATE
SOME SORT OF RELATIONSHIP.

CAN WE CULTIVATE ANOTHER DAY?

WE'RE IN SERIOUS
ERRAND-RUNNING TROUBLE.

I'M DOWN TO A THONG
AND TUBE SOCKS.

I BELIEVE THAT'S MY THONG.

THEN I'M DOWN TO A
PAIR OF TUBE SOCKS.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER?

I VERY MUCH CARE.

BUT I ALSO KNOW THE
REALITY OF THE SITUATION.

NOBODY CULTIVATES A
RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER.

EITHER SHE CULTIVATES YOU,

OR YOU JUST DON'T PLANT
ANYTHING THAT YEAR.

I'M NOT BELIEVING THAT.

OH, YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW.

COME ON. WE'LL
WHIZ TO 23rd STREET

AFTER HOPPING OVER TO 6th.

MURRAY, COME ON.

[WOOF] LOBBY FULL OF POODLES.

WHY DO YOU LIE TO HIM?

WHAT?

WHAT DO WE LIKE?

"I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT'S NOT BUTTER"

OR "YOU'RE A JACKASS IF
YOU THINK IT'S MARGARINE"?

NOT ON THE LIST.

SUCH CONFIDENCE IN THAT LIST.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ME, I GO ON HUNCHES.

FORGET IT.

IT'S 100 CONES.

YOU FORGOT THE LIST, DIDN'T YOU?

MAYBE I DID... DOG FOOD.

HE HATES THIS DRY STUFF.

IT'S LOW SODIUM.

WHAT'S IT MEAN WHEN YOUR DOG

AND YOUR FATHER
ARE ON THE SAME DIET?

SOON, MURRAY WILL BE
WEARING WHITE PANTS.

FUNNY.

YAMS.

YAMS.

I THINK I'LL TELL SYLVIA TODAY.

OH, DON'T.

WHY NOT?

WHY WOULD... WHY START TROUBLE?

SHE SHOULD KNOW WE'RE
TRYING TO GET PREGNANT.

WHY SHARE THAT WITH PEOPLE?

IT'S NOT "PEOPLE." IT'S FAMILY.

WELL, WHY NOT... LET'S
WAIT TILL WE'RE PREGNANT.

WE CAN PRESENT
IT AS A DONE DEAL.

"HEY, EVERYBODY, NOT
ONLY ARE WE TRYING...

WE'RE SUCCEEDING."

I THINK SHE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.

WHAT'S YOUR BIG FANTASY THERE?

YOU THINK SHE'S GOING TO GIVE YOU
A BIG HUG AND BE YOUR BEST FRIEND?

NO.

YOU THINK SHE'LL
GIVE YOU A BIG HUG...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH A BIG HUG?

IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

I SAY THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

FINE.

REALLY FINE OR KISS-MY-ASS FINE?

REALLY FINE.

ALL... RIGHT.

YOU O.K. THERE, TIGER?

NEVER HAD MORE FUN THAN THIS.

HEY. HEY. HEY.

HEY... [WOOF] MURRAY SAYS "HEY."

WHAT, YOU RUNNING ERRANDS?

NO. WE'RE BEDOUINS NOW.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS STUFF?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOUR MOTHER...

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

OH, GOOD. YOU'RE HERE.

WE BROUGHT YOUR DISH.

WHAT DISH?

SEE WHY IT'S FOOLISH
TO EVER DOUBT ME?

OH, THE DISH. I FORGOT.

THANK YOU.

YEAH, O.K.

WHAT'S GOING ON.
WHAT'S THE TRICK?

THERE'S NO TRICK.

THANK GOD... THE DISH.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

NO TRICK.

I WAS LISTENING TO TELEVISION.
YOU KNOW MARTHA STEWART?

VERY STURDY GIRL.

ISN'T SHE GREAT?

SHE COULD USE A STIFF DRINK.

BUT SHE HAD AN
INTERESTING THING FOR ME.

FOR YOU?

SHE SUGGESTED I
SHOULD GATHER THE FAMILY

AND DECIDE WHO
WILL GET WHAT OF MINE

AFTER I GO OVER.

GO OVER?

PASS ON.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PASS
ON. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.

ANYWAY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.

IS SOMETHING GOING ON?

NO, NO. I FIGURE 30 YEARS.

NO WAITING TILL THE LAST MINUTE.

EXACTLY.

YOU TRICKED US.

I TRICKED YOU.

SO YOU'RE A BIG DETECTIVE.

CAN WE GO NOW?

NO.

I THINK IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.

GOOD, HONEY.

LOOK, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

MARTHA TOLD ME IT WOULD
PREVENT FIGHTS AFTER I'M GONE.

WHAT WOULD YOU
CARE? YOU'LL BE GONE.

MAYBE YOU COME BACK.

IF I'M GOING TO BE REINCARNATED,

I DON'T WANT
AGGRAVATION ON TOP OF IT.

IT WOULDN'T BE A
PICNIC FOR US, EITHER.

DON'T BE CUTE.

PAUL, BLUE STICKERS ARE FOR YOU,

UH, YELLOW ARE FOR DEBBIE,

AND RED IS FOR SHARON,
ORANGE IS FOR IRA,

AND HERE'S A COUPLE FOR HER.

MAYBE SHE'LL FIND
SOMETHING RUSTIC.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

MM, WHAT A GOOD CHIN.

ISN'T HER CHIN NICE?

SHE'S A DELIGHT.

O.K., NOW CAN WE GO?

IT'LL MAKE HER HAPPY.

FOR HOW LONG?

45 MINUTES.

O.K. 45 MINUTES OF HAPPY.

SHE CARRIED YOU FOR NINE MONTHS.

OH, I PAID THAT BACK YEARS AGO.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'LL GET IT. IT'S SHARON.

SHE KNOWS WHO IT IS BY THE RING.

USED TO SCARE ME.
NOW I THINK IT'S CUTE.

HI, PAULIE.

YOU, TOO?

I CALLED TO WARN YOU.

HOW DID WE BOTH
WALTZ INTO THIS TRAP?

HELLO.

HI, SHARON.

FIRST OF ALL,

EVERYTHING TAGGED OVER
THE PHONE DOESN'T COUNT.

NO FIGHTING.

WE'RE NOT FIGHTING.
HERE'S WHY...

WE NEVER DISCUSSED THIS.

ONE WEEKEND IN THE FALL

YOU WAKE UP AND DECIDE
YOU'RE INHERITING MOM'S CHINA?

STOP BEING SO HARD ON HER.

STOP SPOILING HER.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHE'S SEPARATED.

BECAUSE SHE'S SPOILED.

STEVE ALWAYS COMPLAINED
HOW SHE SULKED.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU.

THAT STEVE IS NO PRIZE.

NO ONE WE MARRY'S A PRIZE.

NOT A FIRST PRIZE.

IF SHE WANTS SOMETHING,

LET HER GET HER BIG ASS
OUT OF BED AND GET IT.

YES, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

SEE, WITH MOM'S PLAN, THERE'S
NO FRICTION, NO FIGHTING.

HOW YA DOIN', DEB?

GREAT.

CAN I TELL HER?

WHAT? WHAT?

YOU KNOW. THE THING.

THE PERSONAL THING?

THE BIG SENSITIVE THING
THAT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS YET?

GO AHEAD.

PAUL AND I ARE TRYING.

YOU'RE KIDDING!

OH, GOOD FOR YOU.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I'M THINKING OF
TELLING YOUR MOTHER.

WHY?

WHAT, NOBODY
TAGGED THE COUCH YET?

I'M NOT SURE THIS
COUCH IS REALLY "US."

IT COULD BE US.

THE WAY YOU DECORATE,
NOTHING DOESN'T GO.

WHAT DO THEY CALL THAT?

ECLECTIC.

SHE MEANT THAT GOOD.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S A NICE COUCH.

IF YOU'RE IN FRED
SANFORD'S HOUSE.

WE STILL DON'T KNOW
WHAT COLOR THIS COUCH IS.

SHE'S GOT THREE GENERATIONS
OF SLIP COVERS ON THERE.

YOU CAN TELL WHAT
DECADE SOMETHING'S FROM

BY WHAT SLIP COVER IT'S BETWEEN.

LIKE RINGS OF A TREE.

HEY, MURRAY'S NOT EATING.

IT'S LOW SODIUM.

OH.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
PLAIN SLICED CHICKEN, HUH?

YA PUT A LITTLE LEMON
ON IT, IT'S NOT SO TERRIBLE.

I'M WATCHING THE
SUNSHINE BOYS HERE.

HEY.

YOU'RE LATE. I GOT COFFEE.

YOU BOUGHT COFFEE? YEAH.

I HAVE COFFEE.
NOW YOU HAVE MORE.

DON'T BE CUTE.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

I LOVE MARTHA STEWART.

WHAT?

SHE'S CUTE, AND SHE
KNOWS EVERYTHING.

LOOK AT THESE.

OH, BOY.

YOUR LITTLE FEET
FIT RIGHT IN HERE?

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T
WALK UNTIL I WAS 7 1/2.

THOSE ARE NOT TAGGABLE.

OKEY-DOKEY.

HOW ABOUT THIS BEAUTY?

WHAT'S THAT?

THIS IS HOW THEY USED TO
FEED THE MILLS BROTHERS.

WHO WANTS THIS SHAMPOO?

HUH?

SHAMPOO?

DAD, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

I THINK MARTHA INTENDED
THE BIG ITEMS TO GO.

NEVER OPENED, FROM THE HYATT.

WHICH I THINK... NO.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.
THIS WASN'T MY IDEA.

HEY, DID MURRAY EAT?

OH, LIKE AN ANIMAL.

SAY, I WANT TO TALK.

CAN IT WAIT? I GOT
TO CALL MY EDITOR.

I HAVE TO LISTEN
TO AN AUDIO TRACK.

A WHAT?

A TRACK. IN THIS CASE, IT'S
SALMON THAT, LIKE, SING.

SMOKED SALMON?

IT'S... I'M GOING TO USE
THE PHONE FOR A SECOND.

I GOT US COFFEE.

MORE COFFEE? OH, JEEZ...

WHO BUYS COFFEE? TAKE IT.

YOU GET THE SALAMI? YEAH.

AH, GREAT.

HEY. NO SALT. [DOG BARKS]

HEY, MURRAY, NO SALT.

I'LL GET THAT. COME HERE.

WHAT DID WE SAY?
MURRAY, DROP THAT.

HOW YOU DOING, BURT?

IN THE END, YOU KNOW
WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO?

WE BUY TOO MUCH CRAP.

I, UM, KIND OF WANTED
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

TELL ME SOMETHING?

PAUL AND I ARE
TRYING TO HAVE A BABY.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?

NO, NO. WE'RE FINE.

YOU SURE? I'M SURE.

I WANT TO TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO.

WHAT IF HE'S A SHE?

I'LL... I'LL TAKE THEM BOTH,

THEN WE'LL HAVE ICE CREAM.

THAT'D BE GREAT.

UNLESS ICE CREAM'S BAD...

NO. A LITTLE'S O.K.

A LITTLE IS PLENTY.

I'M THINKING OF TELLING SYLVIA.

WHY?

WHAT IS WITH YOU?

WHAT?

HOW STUPID IS IT
THAT YOU'RE HERE?

WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?

A SCARF.

A SCARF.

A FANCY SCARF WITH
A COACH AND HORSES.

IT'S FOR MY MA.

YOU CHEAP BASTARD.
BUY HER SOMETHING.

SHE THINKS SHE LEFT IT HERE.

ACTUALLY, SHE THINKS SYLVIA
BORROWED IT AND NEVER RETURNED IT.

WHEN WAS THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

SUPPOSEDLY HAPPY ROCKEFELLER
TRIPPED ON IT AT A RALLY.

HOW YOU DOING?

I'M O.K.

SO... PAUL AND I HAVE SOME NEWS.

NO.

WHAT?

YOU JUST STARTED TRYING.

YOU TOLD HIM?

I TOLD HIM 'CAUSE IT'S HIM.

YOU'RE PREGNANT?

NO, NO. WE'RE TRYING.

WELL, POINT IS,
YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

DOING OUR BEST.

TOLD SYLVIA? CONSIDERING IT.

WHY?

I HAVE THIS WONDERFUL
FREEZER BAG SEALING SYSTEM.

KEEPS SOUP FOR SIX YEARS.

STILL UNTAGGED.

STILL UNTAGGED?

THOUGHT IT'D GO FIRST.

SYLVIA... YOU WANT
THE SEALER SYSTEM?

SURE. IT'S YOURS.

THERE'S 5,000 PLASTIC
BAGS IN THE CLOSET.

I'LL GO GET THEM.

LET'S GO FREEZE STUFF RIGHT NOW.

UH, SYLVIA... WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

CAN I JUST TALK TO
YOU FOR A SECOND?

OF COURSE.

HOW YA DOIN'?

FINE.

GOOD.

WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

YES. UM...

PAUL AND I HAVE SOME
WONDERFUL NEWS.

AND WHAT'S THAT, HONEY?

WE'RE TRYING.

TRYING.

WE'RE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT.

OH.

GOOD FOR YOU.

I'LL GET THE BAGS.

WHO COULD HAVE
SEEN THAT ONE COMING?

THAT'S IT. I GIVE UP.

"CULTIVATE A RELATIONSHIP."
WHAT WAS I THINKING?

SWEETIE... IF SHE
WEREN'T YOUR MOTHER...

THEN WHAT? THEN SOMETHING...

VERY, VERY BAD.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

IT'S YOUR EDITOR.

HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?

NOBODY KNOWS.

DON'T GET THAT. LISTEN...

I'M NOT SPEAKING ILL OF HER.

I'M SAYING SHE'S NEEDY.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
NEEDINESS LIKE THAT?

HAVE YOU? HAVE YOU?

HAVE YOU?

NO.

NO.

AND OVERSENSITIVE
AS A RABBIT'S EYE.

ALL RIGHT.

HELLO?

MEANTIME, NOBODY'S
EATING MY LOX.

PUT A TAG ON IT.

THEY'LL HAVE IT
WHEN YOU GO OVER.

ALL RIGHT, MR. METZGER,

LET ME HEAR THEM FISHIES SING.

METZGER! GIANTS'
SHORTSTOP. ROGER METZGER.

NUMBER 8.

ACTUALLY ON THE
PHONE, RIGHT HERE.

WHERE IS SHE,
HIDING IN THE KITCHEN?

YOU COULD MAKE A LITTLE
EFFORT WITH HER, MOM.

I MADE A TREMENDOUS
EFFORT WITH HER.

YOU NEVER MADE AN EFFORT,

SAME WITH GARY
AND SAME WITH STEVE.

I MADE AN EFFORT WITH
GARY. CERTAINLY WITH STEVE.

YOU MADE NO EFFORT WITH STEVE.

EVERYBODY MAKE AN EFFORT
MORE QUIETLY. THANK YOU.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

ASK DAD. FISH.

A PHONE IN THE
BEDROOM FOR $6 A MONTH

WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.

IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU
TO GO TALK TO HER.

STOP TELLING ME WHAT'LL KILL ME.

SHOULD I GO TALK TO HER?

IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU.

YOU HAD SALAMI.

YOU WOULDN'T THINK A FISH
WOULD KNOW ALL OF GUYS AND DOLLS.

CAN WE TALK, OR ARE YOU
WAITING FOR A SHARK TO YODEL?

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

HERE'S WHAT.

YOU SEE, PAULIE, WHEN YOU
AND YOUR SISTERS WERE SMALL,

I DID WHAT A FATHER DOES.

I BOUGHT SOME
STOCKS, SOME SHARES,

SOME... SOME SHARES OF THINGS.

YOU BOUGHT SOME STOCKS?

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

YOUR SISTER SHARON'S
STOCKS... MERCK...

GOD BLESS IT, WHAT A COMPANY.

THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH. THEN DEBBIE'S STOCKS...

McDONNELL DOUGLAS... FFFFZZZ...

LIKE A ROCKET, WHICH
THEY MAKE, BY THE WAY.

GREAT, HUH?

GOOD FOR DEBBIE.

NOW, YOUR STOCK...
U.S. CYCLAMATES...

O.K.

WHO KNEW?

TAB WAS ONLY ONE CALORIE.

FAT WOMEN THOUGHT THEY
WERE SEEING THE HAND OF GOD.

WHO COULD BLAME THEM?

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING
FOR YOU TO MAKE IT UP.

THAT'S SILLY.

IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.

NO, NO.

PLEASE, IT'S JUST SILLY.

HERE.

WHAT IS THIS?

MY DAD GAVE ME THAT MONEY CLIP
WHEN HE CAME BACK FROM THE WAR.

O.K. YOU BOUGHT THIS.

HUH?

I WAS WITH YOU WHEN
YOU BOUGHT THIS.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING
YOU CAN GIVE TO YOUR SON.

WELL, FAIR ENOUGH. O.K.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

NO MATTER WHEN I DIE,

IT'S GOING TO PISS ME OFF.

HEY, ME, TOO.

IS EVERYBODY TAGGING?

WE'RE TAGGING. YEAH,
YEAH... EXCUSE ME.

HOW YOU DOING? LET'S JUST GO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU'RE RIGHT. THERE'S NO POINT.

YOUR MOTHER AND I
WILL NEVER BE PALS.

THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS. SHE WINS.

O.K. THAT'S IT.

I'M TALKING TO HER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I DON'T LIKE HER MAKING
YOU FEEL LIKE THIS.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

WHAT WILL YOU SAY?

I KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOU'RE MY WIFE,
THE WOMAN I LOVE.

IT'S TIME FOR HER TO
TREAT YOU LIKE THAT.

AND THE GRANDCHILD THING. YEAH.

YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE BIRTH
TO HER FLESH AND BLOOD.

ENOUGH OF THESE GAMES.

THE COLDNESS. THAT, TOO.

WHAT ABOUT IT? NO COLDNESS.

I'LL SAY, "NO MORE COLDNESS."

NO CRITICISM AS A MOTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU DO IT, BECAUSE...

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO
SOMEONE YOU CAN'T TALK TO?

SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

THAT'S TYPICAL.

I'M DYING,

AND WE SPEND THE DAY
WORRYING ABOUT HER.

YOU'RE NOT DYING.

WELL, THE SECOND PART.

WHY MUST I WALK ON
EGGSHELLS WITH HER?

YOU DON'T.

JUST GO TALK TO HER.

THERE'S A SIDE OF
YOU THAT I DON'T LIKE.

BURT.

DON'T TELL YOUR
MOTHER WHAT TO DO.

THANK YOU.

JUST WALK IN THERE
AND TALK TO HER.

SO I'M GOING.

[THEME FROM THE GOOD,
THE BAD, AND THE UGLY PLAYS]

I'M GOING TO GO
PLAY IN THE BEDROOM.

SO... HOW ARE YOU?

FINE. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE. GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW... BLUE.

THIS ISN'T THE COUCH WE ORDERED.

LOOK AT THIS.

"KENNEDY TO FLY TO DALLAS."

LOOK. MA'S SCARF.
COACHES AND HORSES.

YOU SEE THAT? MOM
DIDN'T BORROW IT.

SHE SAT ON IT.

I STAND CORRECTED.

JUST TELL ME WHAT I
HAVE TO DO TO REACH YOU.

HOW DO I GET THROUGH TO YOU?

DO YOU WANT ME TO BEG?

I'M BEGGING. OKAY?

DO YOU WANT ME TO
CRAWL? I'M CRAWLING.

SHOULD I CHANGE THE WAY I TALK?

O.K., I'LL CHANGE
THE WAY I TALK!

CHANGE THE WAY I DRESS?

FINE, FINE.

I'M JUST GOING TO
CHANGE THE WAY I DRESS.

WANT ME TO CHANGE MY HAIR?

I'M GOING TO CHANGE
THE WAY MY HAIR LOOKS.

I'M GONNA CUT IT RIGHT NOW.

I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL!

THOSE ARE NOT THE
RIGHT SCISSORS, DARLING.

WELL, I TRIED. I REALLY TRIED.

YOU TALKED TO HER.

I HUMILIATED MYSELF.
IT WAS HUMILIATION.

I HAD SUCH MODEST
GOALS FOR TODAY.

PICK UP SOME SHIRTS, GET
SOME FOOD, FIX SOME SHOES.

THAT WAS TRULY THE
EXTENT OF MY EXPECTATIONS.

OH, GOOD.

WHAT'D SHE GIVE YOU?

300 HARD-BOILED EGGS,

LIKE I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DO THAT.

A MILLION BAGELS SO I
DON'T LET YOU WITHER AWAY.

ENOUGH LOX FOR
THE NEXT 111 YEARS.

PICTURE THIS...

♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT... ♪♪

THIS IS WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

HEY.

WHAT?

LOOK AT THIS.

DID YOU TAKE THIS?

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH.

DO YOU SEE WHAT SHE DOES?

I HAVE TO CALL HER.

IF YOU'VE LEARNED ONE THING
TODAY, WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU.

DO WHAT YOU MUST.

SYLVIA?

IT'S JAMIE.

BUCHMAN.

MURRAY, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

TODAY WAS A VERY DIFFICULT DAY,

BUT WHATEVER I SAID
ABOUT YOUR MOTHER,

THERE'S NO REFLECTION ON YOU.

YOU ARE ALWAYS
WELCOME IN MY HOUSE.

[BARKS] GOOD.

NOW, GET OFF THE COUCH. [GROWLS]