Mad About You (1992–1999): Season 3, Episode 11 - Our Fifteen Minutes - full transcript
PBS asks the Buchmans to film themselves in their apartment for 15 minutes with no cuts for a 'slice of life' documentary.
* Tell me why
I love you like I do
* Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you
* Let's take each other's hand
* As we jump into
the final frontier
* I'm mad about you, baby
* Yeah!
(PHONE RINGING)
PAUL: Honey,
could you get that?
Did you put
the machine on?
Honey, could
you get that?
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Oh, boy.
Hello!
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PHONE)
What?
I'm not sure
what you're saying,
but I'm going to answer
Chicken a la King!
All right,
I'm obviously wrong.
Hold on. Hold on.
(PHONE DISCONNECTING)
Hi.
Thank you very much
for waiting.
Aw, Murray, no, I told you,
we're making a film here.
Save it for when
the cameras are rolling.
(WHINES)
(GROANS)
Play me like a fiddle.
(MURRAY BARKING)
Go get it.
All right. All right.
You got all the rules,
right?
It's just our lives.
That's all they want to see.
Fifteen minutes of our lives
straight through.
No interruptions,
no cuts, no nothing.
Just you--you and me and...
I'm talking to nothin' here.
Here. Take these.
What did you do?
Take these.
Look, did you steal from
their fire escape again?
I borrowed them.
You pulled them
out of the pot?
I did not.
I'm lookin' at roots.
I just want
the apartment
to look nice.
Okay. But you understand
it's a documentary, right?
So?
So, I mean, they want it
to look honest and real.
You knew nothing
about this?
I knew nothing.
They just called me
this morning!
I told you
as soon as they told me.
And that's all that they said?
That's all they told me.
It's a PBS special.
They're having six different
documentary filmmakers
turn the cameras
on themselves.
Why couldn't they
give us some warning?
Who knows?
They want it to be
a slice of life.
Why can't it be
a slice of life
with some warning?
They want it
to be spontaneous.
Why can't it be
a spontaneous slice...
Because they're PBS!
Who knows?
They're-- They're smarter
than us.
Well, I'm not giving them
any money this year.
We never give them money.
Well, I'm not gonna feel
guilty this year.
(LAUGHS)
Fine. We ready?
I'm too fat.
You're so not fat.
You see, if you'd given me
a little notice,
I would have gone to the gym
and got my bangs trimmed.
What did I just explain?
It's very easy
for you to say.
You got a haircut
on Tuesday.
You look great.
Oh, God!
Relax. You look so good.
Don't worry.
All right, here...
Leave--Leave the socks.
For what?
For the film.
It's our little
splash of color.
There.
There what?
It's like-- it's like the girl
in the little red coat
in Schindler's List.
Like that.
Yeah.
You know, it's funny.
It's exactly like that.
It is.
I don't need
the whole world
knowing we're slobs.
But we are slobs.
No. You're a slob,
I just got tired.
Yeah, but it's real.
All right, fine. You know,
it's not like your mother's
gonna watch this,
see the socks on the bed,
and be here every day
straightening up.
All right.
Just joking.
You know what, Murray?
I'm all fetched out.
All right. Go on.
Go get it.
Go get it.
Why do you
teach him things?
He's a dog.
It's the kind of thing
they enjoy.
You ready?
We have to wait
for Fran.
For what?
She's bringing over
her Mulwah.
I beg your pardon?
Her Mulwah,
it's an original.
Fran has
an original Mulwah?
Mmm-hmm.
Philip Mulwah,
the Dadaist.
So it's a Mulwah Dada.
Yes, it is.
Used to be at MoMA.
So it's a Mulwah Dada
from the MoMA.
That's exactly right.
Okay. See, I don't know
what we're saying.
Fran is bringing over
a painting
to class up the joint.
Thank you.
Was that so difficult?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Can I call you back?
He did?
Why did you yell
"Chicken a la King"
at my sister?
(LAUGHING) I didn't know
that was her.
Why would you yell
Chicken a la King
at anyone?
I was talking
with my foot.
Is that...
Is that yours or me?
Okay, I'll call you back.
Hey.
Hello.
Since when do we read
Scientific American?
Yes. Mr. Walcott,
actually, I'm looking
at your file right now.
Never seen
Scientific American
in this house, ever.
Okay. You know what?
Look, I'm just gonna
check with my staff
and put you on hold
for one minute.
You want the world to know
the only thing we read
is TV Guide
and the Victoria's Secret
catalog?
Yes, yes.
If it's honest,
yes, I do.
Well, they just assured me
it's gonna be ready
first thing Monday.
Mmm-hmm. I'm devoting
the whole weekend to it.
Okay. Bye-bye.
It's honest enough.
Sweetie...
I went to Yale.
It could happen.
All right, fine.
We read Scientific American.
We ready?
Not especially.
(MURRAY WHINING)
Murray, what did I say?
We're busy...
Aw, all right.
Ready? Come on.
Go long.
Yes!
He's gonna be
looking for that thing
till Labor Day.
Hey, where's--
where's my thing?
What thing?
The remote
for all the cameras.
The thing with
the little thing.
This thing?
There you go.
All right. Come on.
Let us make a movie.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You ready?
Okay. Uh, what do you
want me to do?
Nothin'.
The only rule,
be yourself.
Be yourself
for 15 minutes.
Then I'm ready.
You sure?
Yes.
Okay.
And...
No.
No.
Okay.
Really?
Let's do it.
Yes. Okay.
Fifteen minutes.
Okay.
All right.
And action!
So...
So...
It's a nice day.
Isn't it?
Yes.
Not raining.
No.
They said it might.
Rain?
Yes.
It didn't.
No.
Cut!
Oh, my God.
This is not...
Maybe--Maybe talking is
the wrong way to go here.
What do you mean?
Because film is visual.
It's-- It's a visual medium.
Supposed to be visual?
Exactly.
What does that mean?
Dancing?
No, just doing, doing.
Doing whatever we do.
Uh-huh. What do we do?
We do stuff.
I could work.
See? That's honest.
Good. Yes.
What are you
gonna do?
I'll do what I do.
All right.
All right?
Okay, here we go.
And action.
Sweetie?
Hmm?
This is already
the most boring movie
ever made.
I'm sorry!
Cut!
Well, maybe we're just
not interesting enough.
We're very interesting.
We're plenty interesting.
Otherwise, why would they
have picked us?
All right, who else?
What?
Who else did they pick?
Oh.
Ken Burns,
Seymour Looch.
Andre Duquette is
doing one of these.
The Yee Brothers.
The Yee Brothers?
The Yee brothers.
I'm tellin' you, this thing
is like the dream team.
So what do
their wives do?
Who, the Yee Brothers?
Yeah.
The Yee Brothers
are gay.
Both of them?
Can you keep a secret?
They're not
so much brothers.
Okay, see, already,
they're more interesting.
So them,
Andre Duquette...
Now, where do you get that
Andre Duquette is already
more interesting than you?
He's French.
French-Canadian.
Oh.
Is he married?
Yes.
Is his wife
more interesting?
Will you stop that?
Well, what does she do?
Andre... Actually,
his wife's a junkie.
Hello!
They met in prison.
How do you expect me
to compete with that?
I don't expect you
to compete. I just want you
to be yourself.
But they're all so gay
or foreign or gritty.
Well, let's do it.
Here?
Yes. Let's do it
right here.
Are we in here?
Mmm-hmm.
Then that's where
we're gonna do it.
This is good.
It's like two people
in our kitchen,
only it's us.
We're all set. Ready?
(CLEARS THROAT)
And... Rolling. Sorry.
All right.
Action.
So...
So...
I need a cigarette.
What?
I need a cigarette.
I thought, uh...
I was under the impression
that you stopped smoking.
Yeah, well,
there's a lot about me
you don't know.
Okay, I see.
(CHUCKLES)
You know what this smoke
reminds me of?
What's that?
This biker bar
where I used to hang out.
The one you hung out at?
Yeah.
The biker bar?
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
What was that called?
Bikes and Things.
It sounds tough.
You have no idea.
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
I got it. I got it.
Who is it?
Ira!
Ira, my cousin?
No, no. Gershwin!
Will you open up?
Hey.
Hey.
What's with the suit?
I don't know.
I was just on my way down
to Buchman's Sporting Goods
at 18th and Broadway.
So?
So, you know,
we've been so busy with
all our reasonable prices,
unparalleled service...
You are so caught up
in all that.
In what?
Business, competition,
the whole thing,
just like everybody else
in this city.
I mean, look at them
down there,
rushing around,
and for what?
Scurry along, little ants!
Back to your holes!
Well...
Maybe they're rushing to
Buchman's Sporting Goods.
Because they know that
we will not be undersold.
All right. Cut. Cut.
We're not
doing a commercial.
And, you, we're not
doing Barfly.
Oh, well...
Fine. Would you look
at your dog, please?
Oh, Murray,
what're you doing?
Murray,
that's my toothbrush!
So?
So I'm not
as gritty as you.
That's disgusting.
Do me a favor?
Get out of here.
Why?
Just go. We're trying
to be real.
What? I'm real.
Ah, not really.
Just go.
Seriously, get out of here.
Come on, I got a suit
made for this.
(SIGHS)
All right, sit there,
wear your suit.
Excuse me, Courtney Love
over there.
Button up, please.
You know what?
Just excuse me
for having a dark side.
Sit on the couch.
Sit on the couch.
No dark side, all right?
No dark side.
Dress regular, all right?
No, we're not doing
dark side. We're not doing
"Come on down."
We're just... We're people,
regular people.
We're in a regular house.
We're sitting on
a regular couch,
all right?
All right.
You got it.
All right.
Here we go.
And...
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right. And action.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, good.
FRAN: James!
Hi.
Look, honey, it's Fran,
my best friend
and business partner.
I see.
I brought the Mulwah.
PAUL: Great.
It's gonna be perfect
for the...
Charity drive?
No. For the...
Garage sale?
What are you
talking about?
Oh.
Is it on?
Uh-huh.
(GIGGLES)
Okay. Okay, so, Fran,
what's-- what's new?
(GIGGLES)
Okay.
Hey, you know, Fran,
you know what I was thinking?
Something like this
must be very hard for you,
being a single mother
in New York
in the '90s.
I mean, what is--
what is that like?
Cut, cut, cut it, cut it.
What? What? What?
Because she looks
like an idiot.
No, she doesn't.
Fran, it's okay.
It's off now.
Oh. How was I?
You were brilliant.
Oh, good.
Did I ever tell you
about the time
when I was five
and my father's cousin
got us on Wonderama,
and they picked me
to tell a joke
to Sonny Fox?
And nobody laughed,
so I threw up
all over my brother.
And ever since then...
I was good?
You were so good.
Ira.
What?
Take her out, celebrate
how good she was.
You payin'?
Yes, I'm payin'.
Let's go.
I was good.
Yes, you were.
Okay. Can we just do this,
please?
Hold on.
What are you doing?
How about her?
For what?
For me.
What're you talking about?
I'm hiring someone
to play your wife.
For the documentary?
Mmm-hmm.
For that very honest look
at our lives.
Ooh!
She did Our Town
and three
Breck commercials.
Sweetie...
Look at her.
She could kick the crap
out of the Yee Brothers.
Listen to me.
I just want this
to be right for you.
It'll be right.
We just have to
be ourselves.
How about her?
How about you?
I'm not available.
Yes, you are.
Look, you keep talking
about honesty.
Let's be honest.
For the next
15 minutes,
wouldn't you rather
be married to Uma Thurman
or some hop head...
First of all,
I would never be married
to anybody named Uma.
Oh, you know...
Seriously.
...I think you might
get used to it.
No, I couldn't.
You know why?
'cause every morning
at breakfast,
you got to yell out,
"Uma, the toast is ready!"
"Uma, eggs!"
Who wants to say, "Uma, eggs,"
every day of their life?
Listen...
I just wish you'd
given me some notice.
There was no notice
to give.
My hair is poofy.
Yeah, but you know what?
It's a good poofy.
It's a good poofy.
The Yee Brothers
will be envious.
They don't have poofy hair.
Come on, how many--
how many times...
I'll bet you the Yee Brothers
are done already.
They're finished.
All right.
All right, fine.
Let's just do it.
Let's do it.
Yeah, 15 minutes
straight through.
Straight through.
Yeah.
No matter what happens.
No matter what happens.
All right.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Here we go.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
No matter what happens.
No matter what happens.
All right.
And action.
I'm going to
make some coffee.
Okay.
I will, uh...
I'll help you.
I'll, uh... I'll fill up
the pot.
I will get the coffee.
All right.
Did you buy filters?
Uh, oh.
Didn't you?
No. Didn't you?
Um, no.
All right.
Honey.
Yeah, baby.
Cut.
Cut some cake to go
with the coffee.
Sure.
Honey...
No matter
what happens.
I can't believe
you didn't get
my little joke.
What?
Like I'm really gonna
take a coffee filter
out of the trash
and use it again?
It's a little joke.
Get it?
So, we're not
having coffee. Okay?
All right.
Look, honey,
it's Murray,
our dog.
What's he got this time?
(LAUGHING) Oh, hey, Murray.
How many times do I tell you,
don't go into
Mommy's drawers.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. No.
Those aren't mine.
Yes. Sure they are.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
All right, cut.
Some cake to go
with your underwear?
Okay.
Good boy, Murray.
That's funny
what you did.
Okay, go.
Get it. Go! Good boy.
Thank you very much
for calling me back.
I mean, it's not like
I'm in crisis or anything.
And my shrink went skiing
and wouldn't give me
the number.
Anyway, there's
that tape I borrowed.
Lisa?
Hey, remember that meat packer
Daddy told me
to stay away from?
So I make a date with him
last night, right,
since Dennis' wife
is back in town
and what am I supposed to do?
Sit at home alone
playing Hello Kitty?
Oh, God!
What am I doing
with him in the first place?
I mean, it's not like
he's so great or anything.
I mean, how many times
can you fake it?
"Oh, Dennis.
"Oh, Dennis.
"Oh, yeah, Dennis.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
"Right there, baby, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You're the king.
"Here I go. Wow."
(SCREAMING)
I mean,
give me a break.
Lisa, Lisa...
And--And meanwhile,
he's so loud,
my neighbors
keep threatening
to tell the landlord
I'm an illegal sublet.
Lisa...
Wait, wait, wait.
So the doorbell rings.
I'm thinking
it's meat packer,
and it's Dennis,
threatening to
blow up the mayor again
if I go out
with anyone else.
So I say,
"Do it, do it.
"I'll help you,
if it'll get you
off my back!"
Then he starts crying,
and I give him
some leftover Percodan
I still have from when
Mom got her facelift.
Next thing I know,
meat packer comes in,
sees this,
cops an attitude.
So I tell him,
"It's my brother."
He says, "Cool."
We go out for cannolis,
and actually, he turns out
to be a pretty hot guy,
even if he does have
ties to the mob.
I'm meeting him
for brunch.
Wish me luck.
Look, honey,
Roman Holiday.
You lent that to her?
So?
I've been looking
for this tape
for three years.
She brought it back.
You know, when we bought this?
After we were talking
about going to Europe.
Why didn't we
ever do that?
Europe? 'Cause it's
all the way over there
in Europe.
Honey.
What?
What is this?
What? Oh.
That's, uh, nothing.
That's just, uh...
Just some work stuff
for whatever.
You want some coffee?
Looks like a receipt.
Huh? Something,
whatever, anyway...
Yeah, for film equipment.
I--I'm going to try
that--that mochaccino.
You told me you just
found out about
this film today?
Yeah, so?
So why is the date
on that receipt
from two weeks ago?
Oh, you know,
they do that sometimes.
Yeah, they do that
when you rent it
two weeks ago.
Yeah, oh, you know what?
I forgot,
we don't have filters.
I'll just...
I'll run down
and I'll get...
When did you find out
about this film?
What?
When did you find out
about this film?
What difference
does that make?
Ira had a suit made
for this thing, didn't he?
He's little.
How long could that take?
You've been teaching
Murray tricks.
No. Well...
Okay, so you told Murray,
and you told Ira.
Maybe Murray told Ira.
You don't know.
I can't believe
you lied to me
like that.
You know what, sweetie?
Let's talk about this later.
What, did you think
I didn't want to do it?
No, honey, later. Seriously.
No. You keep talking
about honesty.
Let's be honest.
Okay. All right.
I'm just saying
I would honestly
like to talk
about this later.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, fine.
What, seriously.
(CLEARING THROAT)
What--What are
you doing now?
Opening our mail.
What did we get?
I didn't see it today.
Ahem.
Anything good?
Nothing for me?
Hey, did we win
a million dollars?
No such luck, huh?
Okay, all right.
Here's the truth.
I--I didn't tell you
because I knew-- I knew
that you would get
all crazy
and over prepared.
And then it
wouldn't be real.
I wanted it...
I want this
to be honest.
Hmm, so you lied.
I may-- I may have
misrepresented myself.
You are unbelievable!
Oh, and what are you,
you're like Agnes
from Truthville?
What?
I made it up.
You get the gist.
Yes, compared to you,
I am.
Okay,
how about this?
That's completely
different.
How?
Because it is.
Because it is.
How? How?
Because it...
I rest my case!
All right, fine.
You want honesty?
Yes?
Excuse me.
There.
You see these?
Yes.
They're yours.
Oh.
You happy now?
Like I'm so impressed.
Excuse me.
W-W-Wait one second.
All right.
You see these?
Yes.
They're mine.
I bought them,
I wear them.
And they make me feel
very special.
Okay? There you go.
Oh, big deal.
Do you want to see
Fran's Mulwah?
No. No, I certainly do not.
Okay, okay, now,
come here, come here.
Let's be honest.
Let's be really honest
about the whole thing.
Okay, there we go.
All right. Hey, ma,
you see these?
This is how we live.
Excuse me. I don't read
Scientific American.
Okay, these are capped
right here.
My middle name is Eunice.
Excuse me.
I tape Baywatch. Okay?
I have a tattoo.
I once-- I once fell asleep
i-i-in the middle of sex.
Okay, that's actually true.
He did.
No, no, no.
Say something
about yourself.
It doesn't make me
look very good either.
All right. That's true.
Okay.
I directed
Hooter Vacation
under a pseudonym.
Mr. Walcott,
you know how I said
I was working
on your proposal
this weekend?
I don't think so.
I... I thought
your middle name is Karen.
I lied.
Hooter Vacation?
It was years ago.
All right, now you know.
It was years ago.
You know what?
I feel better.
Yes. Me, too.
And why?
Honesty.
Honesty. Yes. That's
the only way to do this.
Let's clean this up.
I'm gonna get some flowers.
BOTH: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
So.
So.
Lisa called.
Your sister.
My older sister,
Lisa.
Yeah.
From Connecticut.
Where you grew up.
The Nutmeg State.
All right, cut.
It is!
Nah, nah.
I love you like I do
* Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you
* Let's take each other's hand
* As we jump into
the final frontier
* I'm mad about you, baby
* Yeah!
(PHONE RINGING)
PAUL: Honey,
could you get that?
Did you put
the machine on?
Honey, could
you get that?
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Oh, boy.
Hello!
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PHONE)
What?
I'm not sure
what you're saying,
but I'm going to answer
Chicken a la King!
All right,
I'm obviously wrong.
Hold on. Hold on.
(PHONE DISCONNECTING)
Hi.
Thank you very much
for waiting.
Aw, Murray, no, I told you,
we're making a film here.
Save it for when
the cameras are rolling.
(WHINES)
(GROANS)
Play me like a fiddle.
(MURRAY BARKING)
Go get it.
All right. All right.
You got all the rules,
right?
It's just our lives.
That's all they want to see.
Fifteen minutes of our lives
straight through.
No interruptions,
no cuts, no nothing.
Just you--you and me and...
I'm talking to nothin' here.
Here. Take these.
What did you do?
Take these.
Look, did you steal from
their fire escape again?
I borrowed them.
You pulled them
out of the pot?
I did not.
I'm lookin' at roots.
I just want
the apartment
to look nice.
Okay. But you understand
it's a documentary, right?
So?
So, I mean, they want it
to look honest and real.
You knew nothing
about this?
I knew nothing.
They just called me
this morning!
I told you
as soon as they told me.
And that's all that they said?
That's all they told me.
It's a PBS special.
They're having six different
documentary filmmakers
turn the cameras
on themselves.
Why couldn't they
give us some warning?
Who knows?
They want it to be
a slice of life.
Why can't it be
a slice of life
with some warning?
They want it
to be spontaneous.
Why can't it be
a spontaneous slice...
Because they're PBS!
Who knows?
They're-- They're smarter
than us.
Well, I'm not giving them
any money this year.
We never give them money.
Well, I'm not gonna feel
guilty this year.
(LAUGHS)
Fine. We ready?
I'm too fat.
You're so not fat.
You see, if you'd given me
a little notice,
I would have gone to the gym
and got my bangs trimmed.
What did I just explain?
It's very easy
for you to say.
You got a haircut
on Tuesday.
You look great.
Oh, God!
Relax. You look so good.
Don't worry.
All right, here...
Leave--Leave the socks.
For what?
For the film.
It's our little
splash of color.
There.
There what?
It's like-- it's like the girl
in the little red coat
in Schindler's List.
Like that.
Yeah.
You know, it's funny.
It's exactly like that.
It is.
I don't need
the whole world
knowing we're slobs.
But we are slobs.
No. You're a slob,
I just got tired.
Yeah, but it's real.
All right, fine. You know,
it's not like your mother's
gonna watch this,
see the socks on the bed,
and be here every day
straightening up.
All right.
Just joking.
You know what, Murray?
I'm all fetched out.
All right. Go on.
Go get it.
Go get it.
Why do you
teach him things?
He's a dog.
It's the kind of thing
they enjoy.
You ready?
We have to wait
for Fran.
For what?
She's bringing over
her Mulwah.
I beg your pardon?
Her Mulwah,
it's an original.
Fran has
an original Mulwah?
Mmm-hmm.
Philip Mulwah,
the Dadaist.
So it's a Mulwah Dada.
Yes, it is.
Used to be at MoMA.
So it's a Mulwah Dada
from the MoMA.
That's exactly right.
Okay. See, I don't know
what we're saying.
Fran is bringing over
a painting
to class up the joint.
Thank you.
Was that so difficult?
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Can I call you back?
He did?
Why did you yell
"Chicken a la King"
at my sister?
(LAUGHING) I didn't know
that was her.
Why would you yell
Chicken a la King
at anyone?
I was talking
with my foot.
Is that...
Is that yours or me?
Okay, I'll call you back.
Hey.
Hello.
Since when do we read
Scientific American?
Yes. Mr. Walcott,
actually, I'm looking
at your file right now.
Never seen
Scientific American
in this house, ever.
Okay. You know what?
Look, I'm just gonna
check with my staff
and put you on hold
for one minute.
You want the world to know
the only thing we read
is TV Guide
and the Victoria's Secret
catalog?
Yes, yes.
If it's honest,
yes, I do.
Well, they just assured me
it's gonna be ready
first thing Monday.
Mmm-hmm. I'm devoting
the whole weekend to it.
Okay. Bye-bye.
It's honest enough.
Sweetie...
I went to Yale.
It could happen.
All right, fine.
We read Scientific American.
We ready?
Not especially.
(MURRAY WHINING)
Murray, what did I say?
We're busy...
Aw, all right.
Ready? Come on.
Go long.
Yes!
He's gonna be
looking for that thing
till Labor Day.
Hey, where's--
where's my thing?
What thing?
The remote
for all the cameras.
The thing with
the little thing.
This thing?
There you go.
All right. Come on.
Let us make a movie.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You ready?
Okay. Uh, what do you
want me to do?
Nothin'.
The only rule,
be yourself.
Be yourself
for 15 minutes.
Then I'm ready.
You sure?
Yes.
Okay.
And...
No.
No.
Okay.
Really?
Let's do it.
Yes. Okay.
Fifteen minutes.
Okay.
All right.
And action!
So...
So...
It's a nice day.
Isn't it?
Yes.
Not raining.
No.
They said it might.
Rain?
Yes.
It didn't.
No.
Cut!
Oh, my God.
This is not...
Maybe--Maybe talking is
the wrong way to go here.
What do you mean?
Because film is visual.
It's-- It's a visual medium.
Supposed to be visual?
Exactly.
What does that mean?
Dancing?
No, just doing, doing.
Doing whatever we do.
Uh-huh. What do we do?
We do stuff.
I could work.
See? That's honest.
Good. Yes.
What are you
gonna do?
I'll do what I do.
All right.
All right?
Okay, here we go.
And action.
Sweetie?
Hmm?
This is already
the most boring movie
ever made.
I'm sorry!
Cut!
Well, maybe we're just
not interesting enough.
We're very interesting.
We're plenty interesting.
Otherwise, why would they
have picked us?
All right, who else?
What?
Who else did they pick?
Oh.
Ken Burns,
Seymour Looch.
Andre Duquette is
doing one of these.
The Yee Brothers.
The Yee Brothers?
The Yee brothers.
I'm tellin' you, this thing
is like the dream team.
So what do
their wives do?
Who, the Yee Brothers?
Yeah.
The Yee Brothers
are gay.
Both of them?
Can you keep a secret?
They're not
so much brothers.
Okay, see, already,
they're more interesting.
So them,
Andre Duquette...
Now, where do you get that
Andre Duquette is already
more interesting than you?
He's French.
French-Canadian.
Oh.
Is he married?
Yes.
Is his wife
more interesting?
Will you stop that?
Well, what does she do?
Andre... Actually,
his wife's a junkie.
Hello!
They met in prison.
How do you expect me
to compete with that?
I don't expect you
to compete. I just want you
to be yourself.
But they're all so gay
or foreign or gritty.
Well, let's do it.
Here?
Yes. Let's do it
right here.
Are we in here?
Mmm-hmm.
Then that's where
we're gonna do it.
This is good.
It's like two people
in our kitchen,
only it's us.
We're all set. Ready?
(CLEARS THROAT)
And... Rolling. Sorry.
All right.
Action.
So...
So...
I need a cigarette.
What?
I need a cigarette.
I thought, uh...
I was under the impression
that you stopped smoking.
Yeah, well,
there's a lot about me
you don't know.
Okay, I see.
(CHUCKLES)
You know what this smoke
reminds me of?
What's that?
This biker bar
where I used to hang out.
The one you hung out at?
Yeah.
The biker bar?
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
What was that called?
Bikes and Things.
It sounds tough.
You have no idea.
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
I got it. I got it.
Who is it?
Ira!
Ira, my cousin?
No, no. Gershwin!
Will you open up?
Hey.
Hey.
What's with the suit?
I don't know.
I was just on my way down
to Buchman's Sporting Goods
at 18th and Broadway.
So?
So, you know,
we've been so busy with
all our reasonable prices,
unparalleled service...
You are so caught up
in all that.
In what?
Business, competition,
the whole thing,
just like everybody else
in this city.
I mean, look at them
down there,
rushing around,
and for what?
Scurry along, little ants!
Back to your holes!
Well...
Maybe they're rushing to
Buchman's Sporting Goods.
Because they know that
we will not be undersold.
All right. Cut. Cut.
We're not
doing a commercial.
And, you, we're not
doing Barfly.
Oh, well...
Fine. Would you look
at your dog, please?
Oh, Murray,
what're you doing?
Murray,
that's my toothbrush!
So?
So I'm not
as gritty as you.
That's disgusting.
Do me a favor?
Get out of here.
Why?
Just go. We're trying
to be real.
What? I'm real.
Ah, not really.
Just go.
Seriously, get out of here.
Come on, I got a suit
made for this.
(SIGHS)
All right, sit there,
wear your suit.
Excuse me, Courtney Love
over there.
Button up, please.
You know what?
Just excuse me
for having a dark side.
Sit on the couch.
Sit on the couch.
No dark side, all right?
No dark side.
Dress regular, all right?
No, we're not doing
dark side. We're not doing
"Come on down."
We're just... We're people,
regular people.
We're in a regular house.
We're sitting on
a regular couch,
all right?
All right.
You got it.
All right.
Here we go.
And...
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right. And action.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, good.
FRAN: James!
Hi.
Look, honey, it's Fran,
my best friend
and business partner.
I see.
I brought the Mulwah.
PAUL: Great.
It's gonna be perfect
for the...
Charity drive?
No. For the...
Garage sale?
What are you
talking about?
Oh.
Is it on?
Uh-huh.
(GIGGLES)
Okay. Okay, so, Fran,
what's-- what's new?
(GIGGLES)
Okay.
Hey, you know, Fran,
you know what I was thinking?
Something like this
must be very hard for you,
being a single mother
in New York
in the '90s.
I mean, what is--
what is that like?
Cut, cut, cut it, cut it.
What? What? What?
Because she looks
like an idiot.
No, she doesn't.
Fran, it's okay.
It's off now.
Oh. How was I?
You were brilliant.
Oh, good.
Did I ever tell you
about the time
when I was five
and my father's cousin
got us on Wonderama,
and they picked me
to tell a joke
to Sonny Fox?
And nobody laughed,
so I threw up
all over my brother.
And ever since then...
I was good?
You were so good.
Ira.
What?
Take her out, celebrate
how good she was.
You payin'?
Yes, I'm payin'.
Let's go.
I was good.
Yes, you were.
Okay. Can we just do this,
please?
Hold on.
What are you doing?
How about her?
For what?
For me.
What're you talking about?
I'm hiring someone
to play your wife.
For the documentary?
Mmm-hmm.
For that very honest look
at our lives.
Ooh!
She did Our Town
and three
Breck commercials.
Sweetie...
Look at her.
She could kick the crap
out of the Yee Brothers.
Listen to me.
I just want this
to be right for you.
It'll be right.
We just have to
be ourselves.
How about her?
How about you?
I'm not available.
Yes, you are.
Look, you keep talking
about honesty.
Let's be honest.
For the next
15 minutes,
wouldn't you rather
be married to Uma Thurman
or some hop head...
First of all,
I would never be married
to anybody named Uma.
Oh, you know...
Seriously.
...I think you might
get used to it.
No, I couldn't.
You know why?
'cause every morning
at breakfast,
you got to yell out,
"Uma, the toast is ready!"
"Uma, eggs!"
Who wants to say, "Uma, eggs,"
every day of their life?
Listen...
I just wish you'd
given me some notice.
There was no notice
to give.
My hair is poofy.
Yeah, but you know what?
It's a good poofy.
It's a good poofy.
The Yee Brothers
will be envious.
They don't have poofy hair.
Come on, how many--
how many times...
I'll bet you the Yee Brothers
are done already.
They're finished.
All right.
All right, fine.
Let's just do it.
Let's do it.
Yeah, 15 minutes
straight through.
Straight through.
Yeah.
No matter what happens.
No matter what happens.
All right.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Here we go.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
No matter what happens.
No matter what happens.
All right.
And action.
I'm going to
make some coffee.
Okay.
I will, uh...
I'll help you.
I'll, uh... I'll fill up
the pot.
I will get the coffee.
All right.
Did you buy filters?
Uh, oh.
Didn't you?
No. Didn't you?
Um, no.
All right.
Honey.
Yeah, baby.
Cut.
Cut some cake to go
with the coffee.
Sure.
Honey...
No matter
what happens.
I can't believe
you didn't get
my little joke.
What?
Like I'm really gonna
take a coffee filter
out of the trash
and use it again?
It's a little joke.
Get it?
So, we're not
having coffee. Okay?
All right.
Look, honey,
it's Murray,
our dog.
What's he got this time?
(LAUGHING) Oh, hey, Murray.
How many times do I tell you,
don't go into
Mommy's drawers.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. No.
Those aren't mine.
Yes. Sure they are.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
All right, cut.
Some cake to go
with your underwear?
Okay.
Good boy, Murray.
That's funny
what you did.
Okay, go.
Get it. Go! Good boy.
Thank you very much
for calling me back.
I mean, it's not like
I'm in crisis or anything.
And my shrink went skiing
and wouldn't give me
the number.
Anyway, there's
that tape I borrowed.
Lisa?
Hey, remember that meat packer
Daddy told me
to stay away from?
So I make a date with him
last night, right,
since Dennis' wife
is back in town
and what am I supposed to do?
Sit at home alone
playing Hello Kitty?
Oh, God!
What am I doing
with him in the first place?
I mean, it's not like
he's so great or anything.
I mean, how many times
can you fake it?
"Oh, Dennis.
"Oh, Dennis.
"Oh, yeah, Dennis.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
"Right there, baby, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You're the king.
"Here I go. Wow."
(SCREAMING)
I mean,
give me a break.
Lisa, Lisa...
And--And meanwhile,
he's so loud,
my neighbors
keep threatening
to tell the landlord
I'm an illegal sublet.
Lisa...
Wait, wait, wait.
So the doorbell rings.
I'm thinking
it's meat packer,
and it's Dennis,
threatening to
blow up the mayor again
if I go out
with anyone else.
So I say,
"Do it, do it.
"I'll help you,
if it'll get you
off my back!"
Then he starts crying,
and I give him
some leftover Percodan
I still have from when
Mom got her facelift.
Next thing I know,
meat packer comes in,
sees this,
cops an attitude.
So I tell him,
"It's my brother."
He says, "Cool."
We go out for cannolis,
and actually, he turns out
to be a pretty hot guy,
even if he does have
ties to the mob.
I'm meeting him
for brunch.
Wish me luck.
Look, honey,
Roman Holiday.
You lent that to her?
So?
I've been looking
for this tape
for three years.
She brought it back.
You know, when we bought this?
After we were talking
about going to Europe.
Why didn't we
ever do that?
Europe? 'Cause it's
all the way over there
in Europe.
Honey.
What?
What is this?
What? Oh.
That's, uh, nothing.
That's just, uh...
Just some work stuff
for whatever.
You want some coffee?
Looks like a receipt.
Huh? Something,
whatever, anyway...
Yeah, for film equipment.
I--I'm going to try
that--that mochaccino.
You told me you just
found out about
this film today?
Yeah, so?
So why is the date
on that receipt
from two weeks ago?
Oh, you know,
they do that sometimes.
Yeah, they do that
when you rent it
two weeks ago.
Yeah, oh, you know what?
I forgot,
we don't have filters.
I'll just...
I'll run down
and I'll get...
When did you find out
about this film?
What?
When did you find out
about this film?
What difference
does that make?
Ira had a suit made
for this thing, didn't he?
He's little.
How long could that take?
You've been teaching
Murray tricks.
No. Well...
Okay, so you told Murray,
and you told Ira.
Maybe Murray told Ira.
You don't know.
I can't believe
you lied to me
like that.
You know what, sweetie?
Let's talk about this later.
What, did you think
I didn't want to do it?
No, honey, later. Seriously.
No. You keep talking
about honesty.
Let's be honest.
Okay. All right.
I'm just saying
I would honestly
like to talk
about this later.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, fine.
What, seriously.
(CLEARING THROAT)
What--What are
you doing now?
Opening our mail.
What did we get?
I didn't see it today.
Ahem.
Anything good?
Nothing for me?
Hey, did we win
a million dollars?
No such luck, huh?
Okay, all right.
Here's the truth.
I--I didn't tell you
because I knew-- I knew
that you would get
all crazy
and over prepared.
And then it
wouldn't be real.
I wanted it...
I want this
to be honest.
Hmm, so you lied.
I may-- I may have
misrepresented myself.
You are unbelievable!
Oh, and what are you,
you're like Agnes
from Truthville?
What?
I made it up.
You get the gist.
Yes, compared to you,
I am.
Okay,
how about this?
That's completely
different.
How?
Because it is.
Because it is.
How? How?
Because it...
I rest my case!
All right, fine.
You want honesty?
Yes?
Excuse me.
There.
You see these?
Yes.
They're yours.
Oh.
You happy now?
Like I'm so impressed.
Excuse me.
W-W-Wait one second.
All right.
You see these?
Yes.
They're mine.
I bought them,
I wear them.
And they make me feel
very special.
Okay? There you go.
Oh, big deal.
Do you want to see
Fran's Mulwah?
No. No, I certainly do not.
Okay, okay, now,
come here, come here.
Let's be honest.
Let's be really honest
about the whole thing.
Okay, there we go.
All right. Hey, ma,
you see these?
This is how we live.
Excuse me. I don't read
Scientific American.
Okay, these are capped
right here.
My middle name is Eunice.
Excuse me.
I tape Baywatch. Okay?
I have a tattoo.
I once-- I once fell asleep
i-i-in the middle of sex.
Okay, that's actually true.
He did.
No, no, no.
Say something
about yourself.
It doesn't make me
look very good either.
All right. That's true.
Okay.
I directed
Hooter Vacation
under a pseudonym.
Mr. Walcott,
you know how I said
I was working
on your proposal
this weekend?
I don't think so.
I... I thought
your middle name is Karen.
I lied.
Hooter Vacation?
It was years ago.
All right, now you know.
It was years ago.
You know what?
I feel better.
Yes. Me, too.
And why?
Honesty.
Honesty. Yes. That's
the only way to do this.
Let's clean this up.
I'm gonna get some flowers.
BOTH: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
So.
So.
Lisa called.
Your sister.
My older sister,
Lisa.
Yeah.
From Connecticut.
Where you grew up.
The Nutmeg State.
All right, cut.
It is!
Nah, nah.