MacGyver (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 1 - Honest Abe - full transcript
A man in security guard uniform, carrying a briefcase, enters a hangar alone. There is a helicopter. The man enters the code that opens a storage room door. Inside the room, he steals a book that says "Stealth Helicopter Operating Manual - Top Secret" and a key-card that opens the helicopter. He replaces the fire extinguisher in the copter with one in his briefcase. Finally, he just flies away in the copter. Elsewhere, MacGyver meets his Jewish godson Jeffrey, who's bar mitzvah is going to be on the following day. Jeffrey's father isn't on the best of terms with his own father, but Jeffrey is convinced that his grandfather will attend the bar mitzvah. Jeffrey entrusts the picking up of his grandfather to MacGyver. Granpa tells MacGyver he has to pick up Jeffrey's present from the post office. He sees a man in a suit, wearing an earpiece, standing in guard outside the post office. He asks MacGyver to pick up the packet that is waiting there, addressed to an alias... There is a tracker inside the envelope, so the suits can see that it is moving. When MacGyver exits the post office, the suit pulls a gun on him... what is going on?
No, no, you'll
damage the chopper.
ID the perp.
It had to be that
temp working security.
- The old rumpled guy?
- Right.
B.n. For Mr. Harding.
B.n.?
Bad news.
Call the tower. We'll
track him on radar.
Wilco.
B.n. For Mr. Harding?
God, what a Turkey.
I asked you to
send lox, not locks.
Lox, the kind you put on
bagels with cream cheese.
No, no, no, no,
it's not for my store.
It's for my son's bar mitzvah.
You figure it out
and call me back.
- Philip?
- MacGyver!
My friend.
- My friend, you look good.
- You, too.
Hey, Jeffrey, your
gentile godfather is here.
- Dudesky!
- Jeffrey!
You've grown.
He's a man now.
Not yet, pops, the cool bar
mitzvah's not till tomorrow.
Uh, traditionalists.
Real sticklers for detail.
Yeah, uh, speaking
of the bar mitzvah,
what am I supposed to do there?
You sit. You listen.
Maybe say, mazel tov
when it's over. Not to worry.
Yeah. I'm the one who
had to learn all the Hebrew.
So, MacGyver, did
you hear the latest?
My father said he's
coming to the bar mitzvah.
Come on, pop. He'll be there.
Yeah, like he was for me. Tell him,
MacGyver, tell him what it was like
when I was growing up.
Philip, we didn't
meet until we were 18.
And I was already in therapy,
because my father was never there
for me when I was a kid. Tell him.
Yes, you were seeing a
psychologist. I remember that.
A-And Abe was a liar to boot.
He was?
You don't remember
his excuses for missing
All the important events
in my college career?
How he was charged by
a rhinoceros in Bangkok,
how he was caught in a
monsoon in the Sahara?
Some life for a tuba
salesman, let me... T-Tell him.
Philip, he... he
made the graduation.
He was probably
suffering from jet lag
and got confused or he never would
have shown just like he won't show for...
Tell him, so he doesn't get
disappointed. Tell him, MacGyver.
He'll be there. He's
already on the bus.
And how do you know, son?
Because I called
the bus company.
Mr. Smarty pants.
This wouldn't be the first time
Abe came to town without visiting.
- Am I right? Speaking of lox.
MacGyver, just... just in
case, could you pick up Abe?
Um, he gets into
the station at 2:30.
Yep, you bet.
And make sure he gets
to the bar mitzvah, please?
Jeffrey, he'll be
there, I promise.
Thanks!
Yeah, you're welcome.
Abe! Abe!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, let me get a look at
you. Oh, you look good, son.
I mean, hey...
Been a long time, huh?
Oh, too long, way too long.
How long's it been, anyway?
Uh, college graduation.
Hey, don't tease me like that.
I saw you on new year's.
- No, I don't think so.
- Okay, maybe it was a few years back,
It was definitely new year's.
- Abe, I think you got me...
- So how's Jeffrey doing?
And how's that lovely
wife of yours, Cheryl, or...
Carol.
That's... that's
Philip's wife. Your son.
Who are you?
I'm Philip's friend, MacGyver.
It has been a long time.
Yeah.
I'm here for my grandson's bar
mitzvah. Jeffrey, you know him?
Yeah, I'm his godfather,
I'm here for the same reason.
Hey, what a lucky break for me!
How about a lift
to the post office
so I can pick up Jeffrey's
bar mitzvah present?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, you know, Philip had a
friend in college named MacGyver.
Ever heard of him?
Nice little fellow.
Tall, good looking,
never took a haircut.
But what a sweetheart he was, we
liked him, good with his hands, you know?
He could build
anything that you say...
You set out to tell him
something, this kid could do it.
I liked him very, very much.
Back in a jiffy.
Uh, say, MacGyver,
do an old man a favor.
What's that?
I got this bum knee
that's acting up,
- I wonder if you could pick up the package for me?
- Yeah, sure.
It's under the name
of Allen Dulles.
Dulles, like, um,
the old CIA director?
Say, you really
know your history.
Yeah, well, I used
to be in the business.
No. Wait a minute,
you're MacGyver,
western tech, the dxs,
The Phoenix
foundation. How are you?
I feel like this is the third time
we've met in the last 20 minutes.
Hey, it's really great
to see you, MacGyver.
You, too, Abe.
So, uh, why the
name, uh, Dulles?
Well, it's kind of complicated.
I guess I'm a
history nut myself.
Oh.
Well, back in a minute.
No problema.
Major sneed on walkie-talkie:
Lamanna, our bag is mobile.
Our bag is mobile. Over.
Our bag is mobile. Read me?
Yeah.
Say again. Our bag
is mobile. Read me?
I read you, major sneed.
Turkey.
Lamanna, the bag's
coming out the door.
Repeat, coming out the door.
Make like a statue, chump.
What?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. What do you want?
The flight bag.
Flight bag?
What, you got wax in your
ears? The flight bag, give it to me.
Hop in!
Are they following us?
I don't see
anybody. Slow down, Abe.
Oh, no, can't do that.
They're gonna be on
our tail or something.
We got to keep the pedal
to the metal, so to speak.
Do you mind telling
me what's going on?
Those guys were shooting at us.
I know that!
They're after some flight bag.
Is that what's in
here, a flight bag?
Flight bag? No, no!
It's, uh,
sheet music, yeah,
that's it, tools of the trade.
That's... that's it.
I thought it was Jeffrey's
bar mitzvah present.
Present,
ha! No, oh, yeah, that's...
Actually, i... i just got... I... i
got confused. It's sheet music.
It's definitely,
uh, sheet music.
Who were those guys, Abe?
Well, they're
competitors, you know.
They're... they're
fellow tuba salesmen.
Tuba salesmen?
Abe! Stop the car!
Hey, give me the keys back.
No! I'm driving.
You think you can drive better?
- Safer, definitely!
- What if those tuba salesmen pick up our trail?
Yeah. Who are they, Abe?
- What are they after?
- They're... they're...
Gee, MacGyver, I
really don't... don't know.
- Get in the car.
- Where are we going?
The sheriff's station.
- No, big mistake, big mistake.
- Why?
Well, it's kind of complicated.
Not good enough, Abe.
Okay, okay, i'm... i'm...
I'm not a tuba salesman.
No.
I work for the CIA.
Get in the car.
- Didn't you hear what I just said?
- I heard. Get in.
You don't believe me, huh?
Next you're gonna tell me it's a
matter of national security, right?
Actually, it's more like a
matter of international security.
As a patriot, you owe it to
your country to hear me out.
All right, Abe.
Huh?
- Once and for all, the truth.
- You'll get the truth, yeah.
Who were those guys?
They're security men
for Harding aeronautics.
Good start. Why
are they after you?
- I guess they want their chopper back.
- What chopper?
The one I stole from
Harding aeronautics.
Get in the car, Abe.
MacGyver, you've been in
the intelligence game yourself!
You know how it is
when you work in the field.
You go in with a game plan,
but then things go
wrong, and it gets kind of...
Complicated.
Complicated!
Isn't it funny
how you... The point is,
I needed to acquire the
chopper to complete my mission.
What is so important
about this chopper?
It's stealth, as in quiet.
The latest piece of
military hardware.
All right, Abe.
Yeah?
Maybe you do work for the CIA.
Yeah, sure, I do.
Maybe this is part of
some covert operation.
But if it is, you've got to contact
your people and tell them to call it off.
I'd like to, but, well,
it-it's kind of complicated.
Go figure.
Yeah, well, see,
the thing is... see I...
I'm what they call persona
non grata with the company.
Officially, that is. Oh, they're
still... They're behind me 100%.
It's just that what
I'm doing is, uh,
Kind of, uh, illegal, see.
How illegal?
Oh, you see, well, I... You know,
a lot of people don't know this,
but we're not supposed
to operate in this country.
- Abe!
- Yeah?
- Illegal or not...
- Yeah.
- People are shooting guns at each other.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's obviously out of hand.
You've got to call it quits.
Not only that, you promised
Jeffrey you'd be at the bar mitzvah.
And I promised
I'd have you there.
You're right.
When you're right, you're right.
Let the CIA finish the
operation without me.
Good answer. Get in.
- I'm still driving.
- Yeah, you're driving.
You're on empty.
- So we'll get gas.
- We'll get gas.
Yes,
Mr. Harding, that's affirmative.
I couldn't agree more, sir.
You're exactly right.
Let me do the talking.
Officer, can you tell me
where the sheriff might be?
Well, he's in, uh,
court right now.
I'm Duke Luke. I'm the deputy.
Then you're in charge.
Oh, well, I guess I am.
You're the one
I need to talk to.
Elliot, FBI.
FBI? All right!
We're looking for two men
reported to be in this area.
I must impress onto you, this is
a matter of vital national security.
Oh, national
security. All right.
Can you organize a dragnet?
Hey, I'm your guy.
Elliot, lamanna,
privileged interface.
- What'd he say?
- Government talk.
Excuse us, please.
Privileged interface. All right.
Hey, Elliot, I got
to hand it to you.
Posing as an FBI agent,
great scamarino. Va bene.
Thanks, lamanna.
I just spoke to Mr. Harding.
What'd he say?
Terminate the old
man and MacGyver.
Terminate?
Terminate, with
extreme prejudice.
No, I can't do
it, I just can't do it.
- Give me the keys.
- No, no.
No, no. No, this isn't right.
Hey, give me those keys!
MacGyver, trust me.
I've got to get to
sutter's mine. It's crucial.
So what? That's where
you hid the helicopter?
Boy, you're good. You're good.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Why do you need
this chopper, anyway?
It's the only thing that'll help
me complete my mission, that...
What mission?
Keep... keep your voice down.
What mission?
Bringing peugot to justice.
Peugot?
Marcel peugot, president of
San Rochelle in the Caribbean.
The grand terrorist himself.
- The most maniacal, evil, despicable, the scourge...
- All right, all right.
Abe, Abe, Abe! I get the point.
The... the... the thing is, there's
a federal warrant for his arrest,
but since we have no extradition
treaty with San Rochelle,
- officially we can't touch him, you see...
- All right, Abe, Abe...
- So we can't even...
- Abe!
I can understand
trying to arrest peugot.
But going outside the law and risking
innocent lives is not the way to do it.
- Well, you may be right.
- So call it off.
- I would, but it's kind of complicated.
- Complicated.
We're in too deep. My
own people would disavow
their association
with me, and you.
We're sitting ducks.
And I got no official
safe house to go to.
The only way out is
to finish the mission.
- No, no.
- Yeah, yeah.
I can provide a safe house.
What do you got in mind?
The Phoenix foundation.
We fly the chopper
there, we're safe.
Say, that's not bad.
Yeah.
And if we're lucky, we might
be able to make the bar mitzvah,
- what do you say?
- Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, plan b.
Yeah, Phoenix foundation.
No problema from here on out.
No problema.
Big problema.
Big, big problema.
Maybe I left this key
out in the sun too long.
Yeah, well, that'd do it.
You know, we've got an
amazing piece of technology here.
You don't know the half of it.
These speakers
put out sound waves
that neutralize the
pitch of the rotor,
the effect is something
we call black sound.
Noise. Black noise.
Noise, sound,
whatever. It's quiet.
Especially when it's not
running, then it's real quiet.
You've never read
this manual, have you?
MacGyver, I can fly the crates
these things are shipped in,
I don't read manuals.
You don't need a key.
Take a look.
Yeah. See this sensor here?
It says it talks to the
onboard computer
which controls all the
functions of the craft.
Yeah, but who
talks to the sensor?
Uh, a laser.
We don't have a laser.
Right.
Maybe a flashlight in close
range would do the trick.
MacGyver, please,
computers make me nervous.
What are you doing?
- No, no, come on. It's simple.
- Simple.
It's like, uh, morse code.
Let's see if...
To access,
flash dit, dit, dah,
Dit, dah.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey,
let me, let me see that.
Whew. Well, hey, hey.
This... hey, this is great!
"To pilot, just
flash dit-dit." Dit-dit.
Surveillance is dit-dah.
Oh. And here's arms.
"To get in, dah-dah,
"then just choose your weapons.
"dit-dit for guns,
dah-dah for rockets,
"dit-dah for knockout gas."
This is easier than setting a VCR.
A child could do it.
Great.
Like I said, no problema.
Phoenix foundation,
here we come.
Well, let's not forget
to put on our helmets.
Oh, there's another
one in back of the seat.
Sorry, MacGyver.
Good morning.
It is?
What happened?
Knockout gas.
The same kind the chopper uses.
That's how I'm
going to get peugot.
Gas?
Abe! Abe!
MacGyver, what can I say?
Welcome to San Rochelle.
We had an agreement.
We did, MacGyver, we did. But,
well, you see, it got kind of complicated.
Simplify it!
You know all those
subversive publications
that say the CIA financed
peugot and put him in power?
Yeah.
It's true. I spearheaded
the whole operation.
Great. Iran-contra.
Noriega. Now this.
Tell me something, is there
anybody you guys didn't finance?
The democrats.
Look, we feel terrible.
I feel terrible. I feel responsible.
I want to make things right.
Abe, answer me this.
How is gassing and kidnapping
me in a stolen helicopter
gonna make things right?
Well, it's kind of complicated.
- Abe!
- I'll... I'll simplify it.
Harding aeronautics had this stealth
chopper. Perfect bait for peugot.
I planned to borrow it,
but found something amiss.
What?
There were two of them.
Two what?
Choppers.
Not only did Harding build the prototype
contracted to the defense department,
He built a copy to sell under
the table to arms dealers.
I think it was
major sneed's idea.
Okay. All right. Harding
and sneed are crooks.
How does their
crime justify yours?
- Well, isn't it obvious?
- No.
Harding's no patriot.
- So what's your point?
- Don't you see?
He'd sooner kill me
than loan me a helicopter.
That's it?
That's the complicated
explanation?
Well, what else could I do?
Report Harding
to the authorities.
But then peugot wouldn't
be brought to justice.
Well, get a helicopter
from someplace else.
This is the only
one of its kind,
or at least, it's the only
one of two of its kind.
I told you it was complicated!
Here we are, MacGyver,
the garden spot of the Caribbean.
Trust me, MacGyver, it's
smooth sailing from here on out.
All we do now is call peugot,
Take him up for a little ride, give
him a little gas, and no problema.
Welcome to San Rochelle.
Fritz, you old sack of
thumbtacks, how are you?
You will come
with me, gentlemen.
Abe, mon ami, it is very
good to see you again.
Oh, my pleasure, mon president.
You are not curious how I know it
was you approaching my humble abode?
Well, yeah, how-how'd you know?
It is said I am a
practitioner of the black arts.
Who are you?
MacGyver.
Wait. Do not utter a word.
Your name is macgeever.
That's incredible.
You are two days early, mon ami,
and you have brought company.
Pourquoi?
Is everything kosher
with you and the CIA?
I have heard rumors.
Is there something
I should know?
No, no. I was just so excited
About that piece of equipment I
alluded to in my letter, I came early.
Aren't you curious what it is?
Don't tell me.
It is a tank, no?
No, but that's a very good
guess. Isn't it, MacGyver?
Close.
Some people got it, some don't.
Wait.
They don't call this baby
"stealth" for nothing, mon president,
But there's much, much more.
She's got your 3,400 mile range,
your 500 miles
per hour top speed,
Your concealed
multiple weapons port.
She can be a
remote-controlled drone,
Or she can operate
on manual mode.
Great for crowd control, they'll
never hear you coming. Why?
Because you're stealth.
And, hey, what about this?
Tune these speakers
to the right frequency
and you could start an
avalanche, that's right.
Rain down tons of dirt
and debris on your enemies.
An avalanche?
No.
Y-Yes! Right, MacGyver?
Yeah, yeah.
And of course, there's that
old standby, the sneak attack.
You'll be the terror
of the hemisphere.
I am sold. I am sold!
Say no more. How much?
Wait a while, wait a while.
You want me to quote a
price without a test drive?
Mais Oui. How much?
He said Oui.
You can't quote a price.
Why not? I mean, no, I can't.
Not until the president
sees how this baby handles.
Right! You got to see how this
baby handles. Come on, climb aboard.
Will you let me drive?
Let's get her off the
ground, then we'll see.
What do you say?
I say...
Oui. Mais Oui.
That was a yes.
Yeah.
Good choice, mon president.
Here we go.
It is so quiet in here.
I could take a nap.
That's the idea, mon president.
Oh, I'm sure your men
have it under control.
Let's just take off.
No! Shut it off!
Who are you?
Major sneed.
Major sneeze?
Sneed.
Elliot.
Lamanna.
Harding aeronautics,
security detail.
Harding who?
We built this chopper.
And these washouts stole it.
But Abe works for the CIA, no?
No, Mr. President,
This Abe sherman was booted
out of the CIA six months ago.
He's just a lowly security
guard who got greedy.
If you buy hot
goods from this man,
you'll be the laughingstock
of the international community.
Laughingstock?
Like "ha-ha" laughingstock?
That kind of laughingstock.
You'll be mocked in every
capital, scorned in every port.
Non! Pas possible!
Total humiliation.
Abe sherman,
get out of there right now!
You, too, macgeever.
Now...
now, we go back a long way,
if I could have
one word in private.
No! J'accuse!
I would have been
scorned in every mock.
For this, mon ami, you must pay.
By the power vested in me by,
Moi, I sentence both of you
to hang by your neck until...
Until long after you are dead,
until vultures peck
your eyeballs out.
Gee, MacGyver,
I really feel bad.
If I'd just done what you said,
we'd be at the Phoenix
foundation right now,
getting ready to go to
Jeffrey's bar mitzvah.
Don't remind me.
Got any ideas how
to get out of here?
Oh, let's face it, I was
a failure as a father,
I'm no better as a grandfather.
- Maybe.
- What do you mean, "maybe"?
I did the best I could.
A lifetime of
fighting communism.
If not for people like me,
we'd all be named Vladimir.
What are you talking about?
You said "maybe".
Maybe I've got an idea on
how to get us out of here.
Oh, good.
Say again.
Abe sherman's what?
MacGyver works for who?
What are you doing?
Well, this is an old monastery.
I get a feeling this is where
the monks aged their Brandy.
What's that?
Almost pure alcohol now.
MacGyver, this is no
time to be hitting the sauce.
I'm not hitting the sauce,
Abe, I'm thinking. Hold that.
Oh, oh, good, good.
Hmm?
Hey, let's go already, huh?
Andiamo.
Where's the yutz major?
Change of plan.
We've got to rescue
Abe and MacGyver.
That's not funny, Elliot.
What's that?
It's a fuse.
Oh, good.
Here's the thing.
You know that FBI act I pulled
on the deputy back in Fillmore?
Now that was funny. Molto bene.
I hate to blow my cover,
but that was no act. I am FBI.
We've been investigating
Harding aeronautics.
We're going to bust
Mr. Harding and major sneed
for bilking the government
out of this chopper.
Whoa!
If you help, I can
offer immunity.
No need. I'm undercover, too.
Office of budget and management.
We've been conducting a
secret audit of Harding's operation.
Boy, you talk about the left hand not
knowing what the right hand's doing.
We don't even
know what our own feet are doing.
Government humor.
But isn't it kind of dangerous
to rescue Abe and MacGyver?
They're common criminals.
No?
They're undercover, too?
I just got off the
horn with Washington.
Abe's still CIA.
Deep cover. And MacGyver.
MacGyver's with the
Phoenix foundation.
Oh, whoa!
I'm telling you,
lamanna, this is a turn of events
That will put Washington
on its ear. Believe me.
Okay, paesano, what's the plan?
I want you to create
a diversion here
while I get in position to
grab peugot and sneed,
And after I force 'em to release Abe and
MacGyver, I'll signal you to set it off.
Oh, this is good, yeah.
Then we'll all waltz to the
chopper and fly out of here.
Abe! Come on.
This ought to do it.
Oh, this is going on
my expense account.
Wait. Don't tell me.
The king of diamonds.
That's amazing,
Mr. President, that's incredible.
How... how do you do that?
Pick another.
Uh, take two.
Two?
This is a gift, Mr. President.
This is really extraordinary
that any human could do this.
Freeze! FBI!
Drop it.
Let's go.
See?
No problema.
You are wrong, mein herr.
I'm afraid you have
a very big problema.
Very good.
Prepare for the hanging.
The minute I found
out who you guys were,
We immediately went
to a diversion plan.
Yeah.
Only it backfired.
Nice job, fellas.
Thanks.
Silence, mes amis.
Uh, Mr. President,
How about a last request?
No.
I thought so.
And what is that
supposed to mean?
Oh, all you fly-by-night
dictators are the same.
I am not a
fly-by-night dictator,
you peon.
Now, tell me you are sorry.
I just wanted to shave.
You what?
If I'm gonna meet my maker,
I want to be presentable.
You have a certain
je ne sais quoi.
Uh, what if I
Grant this request?
Will you apologize?
Yes. Yeah.
Bon. Sergeant. Razor.
What are you up to?
Just get ready to
hold your breath.
Huh?
I don't
like this, Mr. President.
MacGyver's an environmentalist.
You can't trust those people.
You dare to question
my judgment?
And maybe you would
care to join them, monsieur?
No thanks, not today.
You did not think I
would be so stupid
As to give you a blade, did you?
No, no, that'll
be fine, just fine.
Yeah. Thank you.
Could I, uh, borrow your mirror?
Merci.
Hurry up. You are
worse than a woman.
Sorry.
That is it!
I do not want an
apology anymore.
I want a hanging.
All right, all right, just,
uh, one last thing here.
What?
This.
The helicopter!
It has caught fire!
Sergeant. Do something!
What do you think?
I think they're asleep.
So, MacGyver,
you know what to
do at a bar mitzvah?
Sit. Listen.
Maybe say mazel
tov when it's over.
Face it, Jeffrey,
Abe's not coming.
What about MacGyver?
He's always dependable.
That's true. But
he's with Abe now.
It's... it's a whole
new ball game, son.
Okay. Let-let's go in.
Cantor, rabbi,
everyone, let's go in.
We'll start the bar mitzvah
now. Honey? Come.
They made it! They're here!
You were going to start
without the grandfather?
And godfather?
What's that all about?
I knew you'd make it.
Thank you, MacGyver.
What am I, chopped liver?
Thanks for being here, pop.
Did you have any
doubts? Don't answer that.
Mazel tov. Mazel tov, son.
So, gramps, w-what kept you?
Well, we ran into some
Colleagues of mine,
uh, tuba salesmen.
Tuba salesmen?
Come on, pop, tell the
truth for once in your life.
Okay, okay, they
weren't tuba salesmen.
S-S-So, what happened?
Uh... MacGyver?
What?
Huh?
Oh, uh, well, it's...
It's kind of complicated.
damage the chopper.
ID the perp.
It had to be that
temp working security.
- The old rumpled guy?
- Right.
B.n. For Mr. Harding.
B.n.?
Bad news.
Call the tower. We'll
track him on radar.
Wilco.
B.n. For Mr. Harding?
God, what a Turkey.
I asked you to
send lox, not locks.
Lox, the kind you put on
bagels with cream cheese.
No, no, no, no,
it's not for my store.
It's for my son's bar mitzvah.
You figure it out
and call me back.
- Philip?
- MacGyver!
My friend.
- My friend, you look good.
- You, too.
Hey, Jeffrey, your
gentile godfather is here.
- Dudesky!
- Jeffrey!
You've grown.
He's a man now.
Not yet, pops, the cool bar
mitzvah's not till tomorrow.
Uh, traditionalists.
Real sticklers for detail.
Yeah, uh, speaking
of the bar mitzvah,
what am I supposed to do there?
You sit. You listen.
Maybe say, mazel tov
when it's over. Not to worry.
Yeah. I'm the one who
had to learn all the Hebrew.
So, MacGyver, did
you hear the latest?
My father said he's
coming to the bar mitzvah.
Come on, pop. He'll be there.
Yeah, like he was for me. Tell him,
MacGyver, tell him what it was like
when I was growing up.
Philip, we didn't
meet until we were 18.
And I was already in therapy,
because my father was never there
for me when I was a kid. Tell him.
Yes, you were seeing a
psychologist. I remember that.
A-And Abe was a liar to boot.
He was?
You don't remember
his excuses for missing
All the important events
in my college career?
How he was charged by
a rhinoceros in Bangkok,
how he was caught in a
monsoon in the Sahara?
Some life for a tuba
salesman, let me... T-Tell him.
Philip, he... he
made the graduation.
He was probably
suffering from jet lag
and got confused or he never would
have shown just like he won't show for...
Tell him, so he doesn't get
disappointed. Tell him, MacGyver.
He'll be there. He's
already on the bus.
And how do you know, son?
Because I called
the bus company.
Mr. Smarty pants.
This wouldn't be the first time
Abe came to town without visiting.
- Am I right? Speaking of lox.
MacGyver, just... just in
case, could you pick up Abe?
Um, he gets into
the station at 2:30.
Yep, you bet.
And make sure he gets
to the bar mitzvah, please?
Jeffrey, he'll be
there, I promise.
Thanks!
Yeah, you're welcome.
Abe! Abe!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, let me get a look at
you. Oh, you look good, son.
I mean, hey...
Been a long time, huh?
Oh, too long, way too long.
How long's it been, anyway?
Uh, college graduation.
Hey, don't tease me like that.
I saw you on new year's.
- No, I don't think so.
- Okay, maybe it was a few years back,
It was definitely new year's.
- Abe, I think you got me...
- So how's Jeffrey doing?
And how's that lovely
wife of yours, Cheryl, or...
Carol.
That's... that's
Philip's wife. Your son.
Who are you?
I'm Philip's friend, MacGyver.
It has been a long time.
Yeah.
I'm here for my grandson's bar
mitzvah. Jeffrey, you know him?
Yeah, I'm his godfather,
I'm here for the same reason.
Hey, what a lucky break for me!
How about a lift
to the post office
so I can pick up Jeffrey's
bar mitzvah present?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, you know, Philip had a
friend in college named MacGyver.
Ever heard of him?
Nice little fellow.
Tall, good looking,
never took a haircut.
But what a sweetheart he was, we
liked him, good with his hands, you know?
He could build
anything that you say...
You set out to tell him
something, this kid could do it.
I liked him very, very much.
Back in a jiffy.
Uh, say, MacGyver,
do an old man a favor.
What's that?
I got this bum knee
that's acting up,
- I wonder if you could pick up the package for me?
- Yeah, sure.
It's under the name
of Allen Dulles.
Dulles, like, um,
the old CIA director?
Say, you really
know your history.
Yeah, well, I used
to be in the business.
No. Wait a minute,
you're MacGyver,
western tech, the dxs,
The Phoenix
foundation. How are you?
I feel like this is the third time
we've met in the last 20 minutes.
Hey, it's really great
to see you, MacGyver.
You, too, Abe.
So, uh, why the
name, uh, Dulles?
Well, it's kind of complicated.
I guess I'm a
history nut myself.
Oh.
Well, back in a minute.
No problema.
Major sneed on walkie-talkie:
Lamanna, our bag is mobile.
Our bag is mobile. Over.
Our bag is mobile. Read me?
Yeah.
Say again. Our bag
is mobile. Read me?
I read you, major sneed.
Turkey.
Lamanna, the bag's
coming out the door.
Repeat, coming out the door.
Make like a statue, chump.
What?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. What do you want?
The flight bag.
Flight bag?
What, you got wax in your
ears? The flight bag, give it to me.
Hop in!
Are they following us?
I don't see
anybody. Slow down, Abe.
Oh, no, can't do that.
They're gonna be on
our tail or something.
We got to keep the pedal
to the metal, so to speak.
Do you mind telling
me what's going on?
Those guys were shooting at us.
I know that!
They're after some flight bag.
Is that what's in
here, a flight bag?
Flight bag? No, no!
It's, uh,
sheet music, yeah,
that's it, tools of the trade.
That's... that's it.
I thought it was Jeffrey's
bar mitzvah present.
Present,
ha! No, oh, yeah, that's...
Actually, i... i just got... I... i
got confused. It's sheet music.
It's definitely,
uh, sheet music.
Who were those guys, Abe?
Well, they're
competitors, you know.
They're... they're
fellow tuba salesmen.
Tuba salesmen?
Abe! Stop the car!
Hey, give me the keys back.
No! I'm driving.
You think you can drive better?
- Safer, definitely!
- What if those tuba salesmen pick up our trail?
Yeah. Who are they, Abe?
- What are they after?
- They're... they're...
Gee, MacGyver, I
really don't... don't know.
- Get in the car.
- Where are we going?
The sheriff's station.
- No, big mistake, big mistake.
- Why?
Well, it's kind of complicated.
Not good enough, Abe.
Okay, okay, i'm... i'm...
I'm not a tuba salesman.
No.
I work for the CIA.
Get in the car.
- Didn't you hear what I just said?
- I heard. Get in.
You don't believe me, huh?
Next you're gonna tell me it's a
matter of national security, right?
Actually, it's more like a
matter of international security.
As a patriot, you owe it to
your country to hear me out.
All right, Abe.
Huh?
- Once and for all, the truth.
- You'll get the truth, yeah.
Who were those guys?
They're security men
for Harding aeronautics.
Good start. Why
are they after you?
- I guess they want their chopper back.
- What chopper?
The one I stole from
Harding aeronautics.
Get in the car, Abe.
MacGyver, you've been in
the intelligence game yourself!
You know how it is
when you work in the field.
You go in with a game plan,
but then things go
wrong, and it gets kind of...
Complicated.
Complicated!
Isn't it funny
how you... The point is,
I needed to acquire the
chopper to complete my mission.
What is so important
about this chopper?
It's stealth, as in quiet.
The latest piece of
military hardware.
All right, Abe.
Yeah?
Maybe you do work for the CIA.
Yeah, sure, I do.
Maybe this is part of
some covert operation.
But if it is, you've got to contact
your people and tell them to call it off.
I'd like to, but, well,
it-it's kind of complicated.
Go figure.
Yeah, well, see,
the thing is... see I...
I'm what they call persona
non grata with the company.
Officially, that is. Oh, they're
still... They're behind me 100%.
It's just that what
I'm doing is, uh,
Kind of, uh, illegal, see.
How illegal?
Oh, you see, well, I... You know,
a lot of people don't know this,
but we're not supposed
to operate in this country.
- Abe!
- Yeah?
- Illegal or not...
- Yeah.
- People are shooting guns at each other.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's obviously out of hand.
You've got to call it quits.
Not only that, you promised
Jeffrey you'd be at the bar mitzvah.
And I promised
I'd have you there.
You're right.
When you're right, you're right.
Let the CIA finish the
operation without me.
Good answer. Get in.
- I'm still driving.
- Yeah, you're driving.
You're on empty.
- So we'll get gas.
- We'll get gas.
Yes,
Mr. Harding, that's affirmative.
I couldn't agree more, sir.
You're exactly right.
Let me do the talking.
Officer, can you tell me
where the sheriff might be?
Well, he's in, uh,
court right now.
I'm Duke Luke. I'm the deputy.
Then you're in charge.
Oh, well, I guess I am.
You're the one
I need to talk to.
Elliot, FBI.
FBI? All right!
We're looking for two men
reported to be in this area.
I must impress onto you, this is
a matter of vital national security.
Oh, national
security. All right.
Can you organize a dragnet?
Hey, I'm your guy.
Elliot, lamanna,
privileged interface.
- What'd he say?
- Government talk.
Excuse us, please.
Privileged interface. All right.
Hey, Elliot, I got
to hand it to you.
Posing as an FBI agent,
great scamarino. Va bene.
Thanks, lamanna.
I just spoke to Mr. Harding.
What'd he say?
Terminate the old
man and MacGyver.
Terminate?
Terminate, with
extreme prejudice.
No, I can't do
it, I just can't do it.
- Give me the keys.
- No, no.
No, no. No, this isn't right.
Hey, give me those keys!
MacGyver, trust me.
I've got to get to
sutter's mine. It's crucial.
So what? That's where
you hid the helicopter?
Boy, you're good. You're good.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Why do you need
this chopper, anyway?
It's the only thing that'll help
me complete my mission, that...
What mission?
Keep... keep your voice down.
What mission?
Bringing peugot to justice.
Peugot?
Marcel peugot, president of
San Rochelle in the Caribbean.
The grand terrorist himself.
- The most maniacal, evil, despicable, the scourge...
- All right, all right.
Abe, Abe, Abe! I get the point.
The... the... the thing is, there's
a federal warrant for his arrest,
but since we have no extradition
treaty with San Rochelle,
- officially we can't touch him, you see...
- All right, Abe, Abe...
- So we can't even...
- Abe!
I can understand
trying to arrest peugot.
But going outside the law and risking
innocent lives is not the way to do it.
- Well, you may be right.
- So call it off.
- I would, but it's kind of complicated.
- Complicated.
We're in too deep. My
own people would disavow
their association
with me, and you.
We're sitting ducks.
And I got no official
safe house to go to.
The only way out is
to finish the mission.
- No, no.
- Yeah, yeah.
I can provide a safe house.
What do you got in mind?
The Phoenix foundation.
We fly the chopper
there, we're safe.
Say, that's not bad.
Yeah.
And if we're lucky, we might
be able to make the bar mitzvah,
- what do you say?
- Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, plan b.
Yeah, Phoenix foundation.
No problema from here on out.
No problema.
Big problema.
Big, big problema.
Maybe I left this key
out in the sun too long.
Yeah, well, that'd do it.
You know, we've got an
amazing piece of technology here.
You don't know the half of it.
These speakers
put out sound waves
that neutralize the
pitch of the rotor,
the effect is something
we call black sound.
Noise. Black noise.
Noise, sound,
whatever. It's quiet.
Especially when it's not
running, then it's real quiet.
You've never read
this manual, have you?
MacGyver, I can fly the crates
these things are shipped in,
I don't read manuals.
You don't need a key.
Take a look.
Yeah. See this sensor here?
It says it talks to the
onboard computer
which controls all the
functions of the craft.
Yeah, but who
talks to the sensor?
Uh, a laser.
We don't have a laser.
Right.
Maybe a flashlight in close
range would do the trick.
MacGyver, please,
computers make me nervous.
What are you doing?
- No, no, come on. It's simple.
- Simple.
It's like, uh, morse code.
Let's see if...
To access,
flash dit, dit, dah,
Dit, dah.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey,
let me, let me see that.
Whew. Well, hey, hey.
This... hey, this is great!
"To pilot, just
flash dit-dit." Dit-dit.
Surveillance is dit-dah.
Oh. And here's arms.
"To get in, dah-dah,
"then just choose your weapons.
"dit-dit for guns,
dah-dah for rockets,
"dit-dah for knockout gas."
This is easier than setting a VCR.
A child could do it.
Great.
Like I said, no problema.
Phoenix foundation,
here we come.
Well, let's not forget
to put on our helmets.
Oh, there's another
one in back of the seat.
Sorry, MacGyver.
Good morning.
It is?
What happened?
Knockout gas.
The same kind the chopper uses.
That's how I'm
going to get peugot.
Gas?
Abe! Abe!
MacGyver, what can I say?
Welcome to San Rochelle.
We had an agreement.
We did, MacGyver, we did. But,
well, you see, it got kind of complicated.
Simplify it!
You know all those
subversive publications
that say the CIA financed
peugot and put him in power?
Yeah.
It's true. I spearheaded
the whole operation.
Great. Iran-contra.
Noriega. Now this.
Tell me something, is there
anybody you guys didn't finance?
The democrats.
Look, we feel terrible.
I feel terrible. I feel responsible.
I want to make things right.
Abe, answer me this.
How is gassing and kidnapping
me in a stolen helicopter
gonna make things right?
Well, it's kind of complicated.
- Abe!
- I'll... I'll simplify it.
Harding aeronautics had this stealth
chopper. Perfect bait for peugot.
I planned to borrow it,
but found something amiss.
What?
There were two of them.
Two what?
Choppers.
Not only did Harding build the prototype
contracted to the defense department,
He built a copy to sell under
the table to arms dealers.
I think it was
major sneed's idea.
Okay. All right. Harding
and sneed are crooks.
How does their
crime justify yours?
- Well, isn't it obvious?
- No.
Harding's no patriot.
- So what's your point?
- Don't you see?
He'd sooner kill me
than loan me a helicopter.
That's it?
That's the complicated
explanation?
Well, what else could I do?
Report Harding
to the authorities.
But then peugot wouldn't
be brought to justice.
Well, get a helicopter
from someplace else.
This is the only
one of its kind,
or at least, it's the only
one of two of its kind.
I told you it was complicated!
Here we are, MacGyver,
the garden spot of the Caribbean.
Trust me, MacGyver, it's
smooth sailing from here on out.
All we do now is call peugot,
Take him up for a little ride, give
him a little gas, and no problema.
Welcome to San Rochelle.
Fritz, you old sack of
thumbtacks, how are you?
You will come
with me, gentlemen.
Abe, mon ami, it is very
good to see you again.
Oh, my pleasure, mon president.
You are not curious how I know it
was you approaching my humble abode?
Well, yeah, how-how'd you know?
It is said I am a
practitioner of the black arts.
Who are you?
MacGyver.
Wait. Do not utter a word.
Your name is macgeever.
That's incredible.
You are two days early, mon ami,
and you have brought company.
Pourquoi?
Is everything kosher
with you and the CIA?
I have heard rumors.
Is there something
I should know?
No, no. I was just so excited
About that piece of equipment I
alluded to in my letter, I came early.
Aren't you curious what it is?
Don't tell me.
It is a tank, no?
No, but that's a very good
guess. Isn't it, MacGyver?
Close.
Some people got it, some don't.
Wait.
They don't call this baby
"stealth" for nothing, mon president,
But there's much, much more.
She's got your 3,400 mile range,
your 500 miles
per hour top speed,
Your concealed
multiple weapons port.
She can be a
remote-controlled drone,
Or she can operate
on manual mode.
Great for crowd control, they'll
never hear you coming. Why?
Because you're stealth.
And, hey, what about this?
Tune these speakers
to the right frequency
and you could start an
avalanche, that's right.
Rain down tons of dirt
and debris on your enemies.
An avalanche?
No.
Y-Yes! Right, MacGyver?
Yeah, yeah.
And of course, there's that
old standby, the sneak attack.
You'll be the terror
of the hemisphere.
I am sold. I am sold!
Say no more. How much?
Wait a while, wait a while.
You want me to quote a
price without a test drive?
Mais Oui. How much?
He said Oui.
You can't quote a price.
Why not? I mean, no, I can't.
Not until the president
sees how this baby handles.
Right! You got to see how this
baby handles. Come on, climb aboard.
Will you let me drive?
Let's get her off the
ground, then we'll see.
What do you say?
I say...
Oui. Mais Oui.
That was a yes.
Yeah.
Good choice, mon president.
Here we go.
It is so quiet in here.
I could take a nap.
That's the idea, mon president.
Oh, I'm sure your men
have it under control.
Let's just take off.
No! Shut it off!
Who are you?
Major sneed.
Major sneeze?
Sneed.
Elliot.
Lamanna.
Harding aeronautics,
security detail.
Harding who?
We built this chopper.
And these washouts stole it.
But Abe works for the CIA, no?
No, Mr. President,
This Abe sherman was booted
out of the CIA six months ago.
He's just a lowly security
guard who got greedy.
If you buy hot
goods from this man,
you'll be the laughingstock
of the international community.
Laughingstock?
Like "ha-ha" laughingstock?
That kind of laughingstock.
You'll be mocked in every
capital, scorned in every port.
Non! Pas possible!
Total humiliation.
Abe sherman,
get out of there right now!
You, too, macgeever.
Now...
now, we go back a long way,
if I could have
one word in private.
No! J'accuse!
I would have been
scorned in every mock.
For this, mon ami, you must pay.
By the power vested in me by,
Moi, I sentence both of you
to hang by your neck until...
Until long after you are dead,
until vultures peck
your eyeballs out.
Gee, MacGyver,
I really feel bad.
If I'd just done what you said,
we'd be at the Phoenix
foundation right now,
getting ready to go to
Jeffrey's bar mitzvah.
Don't remind me.
Got any ideas how
to get out of here?
Oh, let's face it, I was
a failure as a father,
I'm no better as a grandfather.
- Maybe.
- What do you mean, "maybe"?
I did the best I could.
A lifetime of
fighting communism.
If not for people like me,
we'd all be named Vladimir.
What are you talking about?
You said "maybe".
Maybe I've got an idea on
how to get us out of here.
Oh, good.
Say again.
Abe sherman's what?
MacGyver works for who?
What are you doing?
Well, this is an old monastery.
I get a feeling this is where
the monks aged their Brandy.
What's that?
Almost pure alcohol now.
MacGyver, this is no
time to be hitting the sauce.
I'm not hitting the sauce,
Abe, I'm thinking. Hold that.
Oh, oh, good, good.
Hmm?
Hey, let's go already, huh?
Andiamo.
Where's the yutz major?
Change of plan.
We've got to rescue
Abe and MacGyver.
That's not funny, Elliot.
What's that?
It's a fuse.
Oh, good.
Here's the thing.
You know that FBI act I pulled
on the deputy back in Fillmore?
Now that was funny. Molto bene.
I hate to blow my cover,
but that was no act. I am FBI.
We've been investigating
Harding aeronautics.
We're going to bust
Mr. Harding and major sneed
for bilking the government
out of this chopper.
Whoa!
If you help, I can
offer immunity.
No need. I'm undercover, too.
Office of budget and management.
We've been conducting a
secret audit of Harding's operation.
Boy, you talk about the left hand not
knowing what the right hand's doing.
We don't even
know what our own feet are doing.
Government humor.
But isn't it kind of dangerous
to rescue Abe and MacGyver?
They're common criminals.
No?
They're undercover, too?
I just got off the
horn with Washington.
Abe's still CIA.
Deep cover. And MacGyver.
MacGyver's with the
Phoenix foundation.
Oh, whoa!
I'm telling you,
lamanna, this is a turn of events
That will put Washington
on its ear. Believe me.
Okay, paesano, what's the plan?
I want you to create
a diversion here
while I get in position to
grab peugot and sneed,
And after I force 'em to release Abe and
MacGyver, I'll signal you to set it off.
Oh, this is good, yeah.
Then we'll all waltz to the
chopper and fly out of here.
Abe! Come on.
This ought to do it.
Oh, this is going on
my expense account.
Wait. Don't tell me.
The king of diamonds.
That's amazing,
Mr. President, that's incredible.
How... how do you do that?
Pick another.
Uh, take two.
Two?
This is a gift, Mr. President.
This is really extraordinary
that any human could do this.
Freeze! FBI!
Drop it.
Let's go.
See?
No problema.
You are wrong, mein herr.
I'm afraid you have
a very big problema.
Very good.
Prepare for the hanging.
The minute I found
out who you guys were,
We immediately went
to a diversion plan.
Yeah.
Only it backfired.
Nice job, fellas.
Thanks.
Silence, mes amis.
Uh, Mr. President,
How about a last request?
No.
I thought so.
And what is that
supposed to mean?
Oh, all you fly-by-night
dictators are the same.
I am not a
fly-by-night dictator,
you peon.
Now, tell me you are sorry.
I just wanted to shave.
You what?
If I'm gonna meet my maker,
I want to be presentable.
You have a certain
je ne sais quoi.
Uh, what if I
Grant this request?
Will you apologize?
Yes. Yeah.
Bon. Sergeant. Razor.
What are you up to?
Just get ready to
hold your breath.
Huh?
I don't
like this, Mr. President.
MacGyver's an environmentalist.
You can't trust those people.
You dare to question
my judgment?
And maybe you would
care to join them, monsieur?
No thanks, not today.
You did not think I
would be so stupid
As to give you a blade, did you?
No, no, that'll
be fine, just fine.
Yeah. Thank you.
Could I, uh, borrow your mirror?
Merci.
Hurry up. You are
worse than a woman.
Sorry.
That is it!
I do not want an
apology anymore.
I want a hanging.
All right, all right, just,
uh, one last thing here.
What?
This.
The helicopter!
It has caught fire!
Sergeant. Do something!
What do you think?
I think they're asleep.
So, MacGyver,
you know what to
do at a bar mitzvah?
Sit. Listen.
Maybe say mazel
tov when it's over.
Face it, Jeffrey,
Abe's not coming.
What about MacGyver?
He's always dependable.
That's true. But
he's with Abe now.
It's... it's a whole
new ball game, son.
Okay. Let-let's go in.
Cantor, rabbi,
everyone, let's go in.
We'll start the bar mitzvah
now. Honey? Come.
They made it! They're here!
You were going to start
without the grandfather?
And godfather?
What's that all about?
I knew you'd make it.
Thank you, MacGyver.
What am I, chopped liver?
Thanks for being here, pop.
Did you have any
doubts? Don't answer that.
Mazel tov. Mazel tov, son.
So, gramps, w-what kept you?
Well, we ran into some
Colleagues of mine,
uh, tuba salesmen.
Tuba salesmen?
Come on, pop, tell the
truth for once in your life.
Okay, okay, they
weren't tuba salesmen.
S-S-So, what happened?
Uh... MacGyver?
What?
Huh?
Oh, uh, well, it's...
It's kind of complicated.