MacGyver (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Scissors - full transcript

Look, we all know Christmas is

the most special time of the year.

Families come together to
celebrate their own traditions

in their own special way.

And they're all wrong.

Because the only right
way to celebrate Christmas

is with pastrami.

Pastrami? On Christmas?

- Is that even a thing?
- Is it even a...

Does Rudolph have a red nose?

I guess I missed the part where Frosty



fires up the smoker.

Snark all you want, Miss Grinch,

but your heart is gonna grow three sizes

once you experience the
world's best pastrami.

Now, pay attention.

I'm about to drop some
serious meat knowledge,

which is...

it's all about the rub.

I call it

"seasonings tidings."

What's up, Ms. Davis?

Something's messing with
your Christmas mojo.

Seriously, though, what's going on?

I don't know.



Christmas is just tough, you know?

Everyone's walking around smiling,

drinking peppermint lattes,
pretending life is great.

You know, when I was a kid,
I actually believed in miracles.

And then real life happened.

My dad bugged out.

Things got bad for my mom.

I was arrested and sent to prison,
and now it's just...

Damn, Ebenezer, maybe,
uh, pump the brakes

on the "bah humbug" mobile.

I'm sorry, it's just...

this time of year reminds me
that life isn't that great.

Miracles don't happen,

and December 25th is just another day.

Mom used to say a white Christmas meant

the coming year would
be better than the last.

I guess I'm still
waiting on one of those.

Well, then consider the
wait officially over.

I mean, look, you probably won't
be seeing a white Christmas

in sunny So. Cal., but I'm gonna make sure

you have yourself a
merry little Christmas.

You'll celebrate it right here

with me, Mac and Jack, all right?

And we do Christmas right.

Does that mean I have to
get you guys presents?

I mean, Mac's easy...
Paper clips and duct tape.

But what do you get Jack?
Another black T-shirt?

Don't worry, I'll help you find
the perfect gift for everyone,

including me... hashtag Xbox One.

Noted.

All right, let me get this
beautiful brisket going.

First step to a perfect Christmas:

keep stirring the sauce.

Will you?

Yes.

Now, that's the spirit.

Appreciate it. I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Now, usually a brisket has
to grill for hours and hours,

but Mac worked his magic on our grill,

so now it only takes 30 minutes,

when it doesn't
suddenly burst into flames.

Which it doesn't anymore.

Mostly.

Whew!

All right.

Riley.

Where'd you go? Hey, Riley. Riley.

Riley?

- Do what now?
- ...outside using your super-grill

- when I hear the smoke detector.
- No.

No, she would never
do something like that.

...my sauce is burning and Riley's gone.

Now, I know I'm new
to this whole spy thing,

but that's not normal behavior, right?

Are you sure?

- She didn't say anything?
- Nothing.

But we were talking about the holidays.

Kind of a touchy subject for our girl,

so maybe she got upset and went home?

I don't know.

She has been in a weird place
the past couple of weeks.

Quiet, withdrawn, distracted.

Yeah.

I sent agents to Riley's place.

- It's been tossed.
- What?

Yeah, her hard drives have
been drilled and destroyed.

She left her phone,
which isn't a good sign.

They ran trace on it and
found an encrypted text

from a blocked number.

They opened it, and a virus
shut down the phone completely.

Something on that text made her run.

Yeah.

Thornton needs us... now.

We don't have much time.

Oh, frosted glass.

It's about to get real in here, Boze.

Seven hours ago, this was posted online.

This is a copy of an executive order

giving the NSA the go-ahead

to attack China with a cyber weapon.

China responded by sending
their entire submarine fleet

into attack position in the Pacific.

Are you kidding me?

This imagery is live.

Means these subs will be within

attack range of our west
coast within 24 hours.

China's message is clear.

We hit them with a cyber weapon,

they'll hit us back with
a conventional one.

And we haven't called off

the cyber attack because...?

We can't. This attack was unauthorized.

This executive order is a fake.

Have we tried telling China that?

Yes, but they don't believe us.

But we're not really gonna attack them,

so they're just racking up a
lot of frequent mariner miles?

I wish it was that simple.
A few hours before

the fake attack order was leaked,

someone hacked the NSA and
downloaded 200 gigs of data.

We don't even know
what exactly was taken.

But you think someone
stole a cyber weapon

and is now using it to start a war?

Any idea who was

behind the hack?

Unfortunately, I do.

What?

No. Riley? No.

You can't possibly
think she's behind this.

Come on, Patti. Riley's one of us now.

Last I checked, none of us
spent time in prison for hacking.

But I'm telling you I have
known her for a long time.

She would never do something like this.

I don't want to believe this either, but
Riley's disappearance on the same day

that the NSA gets hacked...

that's suspicious.

Well, I'll admit the timing is suspicious,

but if that's all you
have to go on, then...

It's not. There's more.

Riley was sent to supermax
for trying to hack the NSA.

And does the NSA consider her a suspect?

They called an hour ago
asking for her whereabouts.

I told them she was off the
grid on a deep-cover op.

But there's only so long

I can keep them at bay.

It won't be long until
every agency in the country

is hunting her down.

That's why we have to find her first.

And when we do, we're
gonna clear her name.

- If she didn't do it.
- She didn't do it.

But if she did, then
the only people I trust

to bring her in alive are in this room.

Find Riley,

figure out what was stolen from the NSA,

and get it back before this
turns into World War Three.

You got it.

Jack...

No, no, no. Stop.

I can tell by that look in your eye,

I know what you're thinking,
but Riley isn't Nikki.

Okay, she would never
do something like this.

Yeah, exactly what I said
about Nikki, remember?

What if it's all true?

If Riley's been planning
this the whole time?

Planning on us springing
her from federal prison?

Risking her life, dragging
her halfway around the world?

All the while biding her time

to hack into the NSA a second time,

starting World War Three.

Come on, man, she's smart,
but she ain't Nosferatu.

The German vampire?

No, the guy who predicts stuff.

I think you mean Nostradamus.

- Guys!
- Whatever.

- You know who I'm talking about.
- Guys, wait up.

Wait up. I'm coming with you.

Absolutely not, Bozer.

This is dangerous stuff here, man.

Riley's in trouble. I want to help.

We don't have time to debate this.

I'm sorry, but you're
staying. You hear me?

Fine.

I won't come as a field agent.

I'll come as your informant.
I mean, unless you know

someone else who knows how to find Riley.

Riley destroyed her laptop
and went off the grid.

So if she did hack the...

...you-know-who agency,

she'd need a new rig, right?

You saying you know where
she might have gotten one?

Yes.

Where?

Back when I was doing CG on my movie,

she hooked me up with this dude.

Said he was the only guy she trust

to build custom high-performance hardware.

Mm-hmm.

And this dude...
You know where to find him?

I take that smile as a yes.

And you're not gonna tell us

unless we bring you with us.

All right, fine.

Do you know martial arts?

- No.
- Ever use a gun?

No, but I have in my movies.

- They can't hear you.
- Yeah, I know.

I can't stand this migraine-inducing,

lazy-ass robo-rock.

I mean, is it too much
to ask for some lyrics? Huh?

It takes three dudes to deliver a pizza?

Looking for Jaden.

And some aspirin, but Jaden first.

Who are you guys?

We're in the market
for some new hardware.

Jaden knows me. It's cool.

We got a Geek Squad problem,

and they're busy.

So we came to you, Cheech.

Wait, you-you think we're tech support?

Yeah.

What up? Jaden! How you doing, man?

We have some questions,

so unless you like sucking
your food through a straw,

you're gonna have some answers.

I'd do what he says.

Hey, I remember you.

The Michael Bay wannabe who
didn't know the difference

between a CPU and a GPU.

Really not something people
are embarrassed about, bro.

And what are you two, wannabe cops?

No, I "wanna be" punching
people. That's my thing.

Well, lay a hand on me,
Kewpie Doll, and I'll sue.

"Kewpie Doll"?

- Well, I mean, your hair is kind of...
- What's wrong with my hair?

Look,
we're just trying to find Riley.

Do you know where she is?

Riley? No.

And even if I had seen her,
I'd never rat out my girl.

You dated Riley? Please!

You look like you haven't bathed

since there was only three
Indiana Jones movies.

What can I say?
Riley likes bad boys

who know their way around a motherboard.

- Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
- Relax.

- Relax. Relax.
- I'm sorry, man,

But if you tell us what you know,

I won't have to use this transformer

to send 2,000 volts into
the rest of your gear.

- Please.
- Okay.

Okay.

Riley came to me a few weeks ago.

She wanted a new rig
with a custom hard drive.

Where is she?

I don't know, but I could find out.

She had me build a tracker into the laptop.

Turn it on. Find out where she is.

Why would Riley put a tracking device

in her computer unless
she wanted us to find her?

- Or lead us into a trap.
- A trap?

Whatever, man. I'm sure Riley

will be able to explain everything

when we catch up to her in...

Canada?

There. That's all I know, I swear.

Now please stop zapping my stuff.

Okay.

Riley tracker pings every five minutes,

and the last four pings
showed her heading this way.

Means all we can do is wait,

keep an eye out,
hope that when we do find her,

she's got a damn good explanation.

Mm-hmm.

You all right, man? You look tense.

I'm not tense. You're tense.

Got to side with Mac on this one.

You're the very definition of tense.

If she was in trouble,

why wouldn't she come to us for help?

Because, Jack,

I mean, trust is hard for Riley.

- But once she gets...
- Respectfully,

Bozer, you've known the
real Riley about a week.

Okay, I've known her since she was 12.

Riley and I met because
I was dating her mom.

As weird as that sounds,

it was going pretty good.

Till that drunk of a dad
started to come back around.

Now, he come by one night
all wasted and pissed off

and throw his ex around for
old time's sake, so...

I threw him around for old time's sake.

Damn, Jack.

For years, I tried to
gain that kid's trust.

I bent over backwards
to connect with her.

And all I ever wanted was...

to be that person she could
come to if she had a problem.

You know?

And no matter how hard I pushed,

she wasn't having it.

After a while, it put a real strain

on her mother and I.

- Is that why you two broke up?
- Yeah.

After a while, I just figured

best thing I could do for
both of them was get lost.

In a hurry.

I understand if she doesn't like

the guy dating her mom for
its own sake, but...

this is different.

This job,

trust is everything.

If I can't trust her
and she can't trust me,

we can't work together.
Even if we managed to keep her

out of prison...

Guys. Guys!

Riley. Look.

It's okay.

I'm here.

It's okay.

- Diane?
- Hey.

- You know her?
- Yeah.

Of course I do. This is Riley's mom.

This is your mom?

Yeah.

That's why you hacked the NSA.

They were gonna kill her.

I didn't have a choice.

It's all right. We're here now.

Mac.

- Take a look at this.
- Oh, my God.

- Mom!
- Come here, Mac.

- Mom!
- Take a look at this.

Mom! Mom!

Stay with me.

It's okay.

- Mac?
- I'm trying.

It's not working. I...

I need some leverage to
cut through the wire.

Bozer, come with me!

Diane, listen to me.
You keep breathing.

You hear me?

- Keep breathing!
- Stay with me!

Hurry, now!

Mom, it's okay. It's okay.

I'm sorry, Mom, I'm trying.

- Come on, Mac!
- Okay!

Mom, stay with me!

Mac, we're gonna lose her!

Mac, hurry up!

Come on, Mac!

All right, everybody, hold still.

I got you.

"You have defied us before.

You will not defy us again.

You will break into NSA's

Tailored Access Operations Group,

and obtain the source code
for the following programs."

You did this all to save your mother.

About three years ago,

I was contacted by this group
known as The Collective.

They traffic in stolen data.

I know who they are.

They have quite the reputation
for state-sponsored hacking.

The kind of people that would stand to gain

if two superpowers were at war.

And I made good money
with them for a while.

Jobs are questionable,

but I was always able to sleep at night.

Then they told me to hack the NSA.

I said no.

They said they'd kill my mom.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I hacked the NSA... badly.

Made sure I got myself caught
before I completed the hack.

You wanted to go to jail.

'Cause you couldn't hack
anything from supermax.

And it worked.

The Collective backed off, let my mom go.

I set her up with a new identity

off the grid in Vancouver.

She was safe.

And I thought The Collective
was just a bad memory.

Until two weeks ago.

I got an encrypted
message with that video.

"This time, if you get caught,

we'll kill your mother anyway."

I did what I had to do.

Look, I know you guys thought I
was pulling a Nikki. I wasn't.

No, you weren't, but unfortunately,

"I did it for mommy"

is not a defense for treason, Riley.

I need to know

what you stole from the NSA.

Cyber weapon called Cannibal.

It allows the user

to take control

of modern cars and drive them remotely.

Wait, if that's all that
was stolen from the NSA,

then let's just call China and tell them

to call off their subs.

Bozer's right. The Chinese must
be expecting their nuclear plants

to start melting down.

Worst case scenario,
they're gonna have an increase

in fender benders and weekend traffic.

Well, actually, it's
worse than that, Jack.

With Cannibal, the user
could alter the code

to take control of any
number of other systems.

So really you have no idea

what The Collective plans to do with it.

And any deployment could quickly
turn into the Chinese subs

firing their missiles at the West Coast.

Actually, while I was working with
them, I managed to hack

one of their servers.
I don't know what they're planning,

but something's going down
in a building in Shanghai.

16 hours from now.

Okay. That's where you're headed.

Stop them from getting into the building.

Copy that.

- Not you, Bozer.
- We're off to save the...

You should have never been in
the field in the first place.

You're gonna return to the Phoenix

with Riley and her mother. Is that clear?

Copy. We're on the next plane.

I'm going with you guys.

I made this mess,
I'm gonna help you fix it.

Hey. Get Diane back
to the Phoenix safely.

Hold up. What am I supposed to
say to the big bad boss lady

when she asks why Riley's not with us?

- Improvise.
- Improvise.

Riley.

Are you sure you want to go?

Is this going to be dangerous?

Of course it is.

Not what any mother wants to hear,

but I can't do anything about it, can I?

So, when you get back,

you are going to start from the
beginning and tell me everything

I clearly missed.

I can't.

Top secret. Remember?

Love you, baby.

I love you, too, Mom.

So, when you told me you were
a bathroom tile salesman,

- you were...
- Yeah, I was... I was lying.

You're a liar.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

Hmm.

Look, it's a long story,

Diane, but I work for a secret
U.S. government organization.

And, uh, well, I guess

it's not that long of a story, huh?

How does Riley fit in to this?

We recruited her,

got her out of prison.

Hmm.

I guess I should thank you for that.

And for saving my life.

But it seems that you've dragged Riley

into a very dangerous line of work.

Builds character.

Do you remember the first time
I let you watch Riley for me?

Remember what I said?

Yeah, you said if I ever
let anything happen to her,

that, uh...

you would end me.

You watch out for my little girl,

or I'll make good on that promise, Jack.

Well, whatever's inside that building,

it's got a lot of security.

Riley, you got eyes inside yet?

No, I don't.

Unless I miss my guess, this
place is one giant Faraday cage.

Specialized shielding means
no signals get in or out.

So, what do we think's in there?

Whatever it is,
we have less than

an hour to figure out a
way to stop The Collective

from using Cannibal,
taking it through those doors

and deploying it.

Well, if I can't get eyes inside,
how about eyes outside?

A nice close-up on the front door

should help us keep an eye
out for The Collective.

Sorry, man. Thanks.

You know, at some point, we need to talk

about why you didn't ask
for any help earlier.

- We're a team, you know.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was

the whole "we'll kill your
mom if you tell anyone" thing.

- But good talk. Thanks.
- Come on, Riley,

- I'm serious.
- I'm serious, too, Jack.

Maybe you never really cared
about her, but I do.

What do you mean I didn't... Riley,

what did I ever do to you,
huh, to make you just assume

- the worst about me all the time?
- Hey, guys,

how about we hold off on the family stuff

till after we stop the
cyber weapon's deployment?

Guys, we got a problem.

Yeah, we got a big problem.
Problem is you running around here...

Jack, a real problem.

Cannibal's already in the building.

This is from ten minutes ago.

Guy dressed up as a guard

marched my laptop right past security.

So we got to get in there right now.

How? This place is a fortress.

Metal detectors, reinforced doors,

a ton of guards... If we get caught

trying to sneak in, they'll throw us

in a holding room and call the cops.

Riley, that's a great idea.
I'll be back in five.

There are certain sounds

that are recognizable everywhere you go.

One of the most recognizable
isn't that hard to make.

All you need is one tube
spinning inside of another

with some holes to chop up the air,

and you got yourself
an air raid siren

that puts everyone on high alert.

Uh...

One.

Thanks.

We're tourists from Cleveland.

Hi.

So, me, my fiancé and his dad

are here on vacation, and
we're looking for Shanghai Tower.

Is this it?

No.

Really? I... could've sworn it was.

Yeah, that's not what the
map thingy on my phone says.

- Maybe I should go upstairs and check.
- Hey!

This building is now on lockdown.

You will have to come with me.

Hey, you can't just take
me wherever you want, okay?

I'm an American citizen.

I have rights. I demand to speak

to whoever's in charge immediately.

This is officially the
worst vacation ever!

Well, maybe next time
you'll come to me when you need

- help planning a trip, you little baby.
- Don't tell me what to do.

- I hate when you tell me what to do.
- Little baby.

- A baby?!
- Wah, wah, wah.

- Really?
- What do you guys call them?

Pacifiers, binkies?

Oh, so you need...

Like a dobby? Dobby...

You will be free to go when

we figure out what is going on.

For now...

...you will be comfortable here.

Yeah, I bet.

Hey, we need a distraction now.

I told you,

we should've asked for directions

- at Nanjing Road.
- What?

This is all your fault!

Nothing is my fault here, sweetheart.

- Sweetheart?!
- Yeah.

Hey, you're not my dad!

Whoa. Uh, dad?

- Your dad?
- Yeah, you're not my dad!

Hey, are
we playing or is this real?

- I don't...
- Ma'am.

We will have you out of
here as soon as we can.

Just stay calm.

Yeah, stay calm.

Dang, don't hold
anything back there, Riley.

Good news is we have a way out now.

Well, I'm guessing there's bad
news, other than me being

- slapped around in here.
- Yeah.

I know what building we're in.

You guys notice

the computer technicians,

rooms full of high-end servers,
the Chinese special forces?

All adds up to one thing.

This is Chinese central command.

No, wait a minute,
you're trying to tell me

that we just wandered into the heartbeat

of the Chinese military here?

Really?

Wait, Riley...

can Cannibal be used to hack
any other kind of vehicle?

Like I said,

they'd have to tweak the code, but...

with some simple changes,

Cannibal can be used to
control any number of...

Submarines?

That was The Collective's
plan the whole time.

To threaten the Chinese to get them

to move their submarines
within range of the West Coast,

then remotely take control
of those submarines

and attack the United States?

Oh, God.

World War Three starts
the minute my laptop's plugged in.

We got to go stop that from happening.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

Naval operation servers
are where they'd go

to deploy Cannibal.

It'll be on a restricted level.

Whatever doesn't light up is it.

Looks like it's on the 30th floor.

As usual, you might
want to hurry up there, bud.

I don't think this is gonna work.

It won't.

We're gonna need an RFID

from one of those techs
we've been hiding from.

Well, don't worry. I got this.

I'll just gently grab the next one

that walks by and kindly persuade him

to step on the elevator.

And then what?

I don't know.

We can't risk taking a hostage

or leaving an unconscious
tech behind, Jack.

She's right.

I got a better idea.

Jack, you're lookout.

Riley, you're with me.

This is important.
Hold on to that for me, please.

So... things between
you and Jack are weird.

It's just been a long day.

Come on. Things have been tense

between you two ever since we
broke you out of that supermax.

So we both know it goes
back way longer than that.

It's nothing, okay?

It's nothing.

It's not
exactly nothing to Jack.

He thinks you hate him.

Of course I don't hate him.

I mean, yeah,

there's that annoying swag he has

and his long-winded
stories and that accent.

And what grown man wears
a leather wrist cuff?

This is you trying to tell
me you don't hate him?

I don't.

Seriously, I don't. It's just...

Just been kind of sick
of him the last 14 years.

Yeah, look, I know
Jack says a lot of stuff...

Yeah. A lot of things
I wish I could un-hear.

But every now and again,

some actual wisdom pops out.

Hard to believe.

One thing he says that's actually true:

"Trust is everything.

We can't work together if
we don't trust each other."

Wait, so he's been telling you

he doesn't think he can work with me?

No, he never said that.

He... What I meant was...

Look.

What I'm trying to say is

whatever's going on between you two,

we just need to... work through it.

Together.

Look, I-I appreciate
what you're trying to do.

I do.

But some things you just can't fix
with duct tape and paper clips.

So, we done here? Can we go?

Uh...

Yeah.

Took you long enough.

That a teleportation device?

No.

And, by the way, that headline you saw

was about quantum teleportation.

Only works on individual atoms.

The elevator only moves if the
RFID fob is near the reader.

This is a range extender,
it'll boost the signal

of any fob nearby.

Okay, so we don't need to get

someone with the key fob onto
the elevator, just near it.

Exactly.

How close do we need to be?

Uh, 20 feet.

Okay. You two get on the elevator

and be ready.

I got this.

Excuse me.

Do you speak English?

Very... little.

That's perfect.

Don't worry. I'm only
doing it to prevent a war.

So if you could just take a few
steps closer to the elevator

so that my friends... who, if
you saw them, would make you

totally freak out and sound the alarms...

Could steal the signal off
that fob clipped to your pocket

and...

You just helped save the world.

Okay, thanks.

Bye!

I give him 15 minutes, tops,

before he sends someone to look for me.

Nice work.

Just not nice enough

for you to want to keep
working with me, huh?

No, Jack, I get it.

Makes perfect sense.

Even after everything we've been through,

you still don't trust me
enough to want me around.

I don't trust you?

Riley, we wouldn't be in this mess

if you'd have trusted me enough

- to ask for help when you needed it.
- Guys,

I know I probably started
this, but maybe now's not...

No. No, no, no.

Actually, this is a great time, man.

We've been sitting on this long enough.

Let's get it out in the open.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but weren't you the one that said,

"It's all Jack's fault"?

Hmm?

Oh, don't be shy now.

Come on. You've been wanting to
get into it with me for a while.

You're the one who solves problems

with violence, remember?

Is this about your dad, hmm?

Look, I'm sorry I had to
kick his ass, all right?

But you don't know the
whole story behind that.

You really don't think
I know the whole story?

I don't think you know

- the whole story.
- Do you really think I'm that stupid?

That I couldn't hear my dad
screaming and breaking things?

That I didn't know he was hurting my mom?

Um...

I'm not mad because you beat up my dad.

I'm mad because you
basically were my dad...

Closest thing I ever had...

And then you just left.

Wait. Riley, right over here.

Cannibal's still running.

I think I can stop it.

Can you stop the missiles?

All of 'em.

Huh.

Except one.

So I have some bad news.

Is it about the Chinese
missile carrying four

independent warheads toward
the West Coast at Mach 25?

If it isn't, I'm busy.

How long until impact?

Ten minutes if we're lucky.

Can you hack it, bring
it down in the ocean?

I'm trying, but I can't even talk to it.

Missiles like this are
designed to be unstoppable.

After launch, the only
signals it'll even listen to

are pings from GPS satellites.

Oh, God.

All those people, and all because of me.

It's not because of you, Riley.

All right? We're gonna fix this together.

Besides, Mac already has a plan.

Don't you, Mac?

Actually, yeah, I think I do.

Really? You just figured
out how to stop a missile

halfway around the world
from hitting California?

Yeah.

How?

We just got to move the Earth.

- This. This metal mesh.
- What are you doing?

That's what we're looking for.
That's what's blocking

the wireless signals from coming
in and out of the building.

- Oh.
- But we're gonna use it

to send one, so I need you to cut

a piece of it out of the wall,
and then bend it.

I need you to hack the Chinese
GPS network. We need to find out

which satellites are guiding
that missile towards the U.S.

All right. Now that I can do.

What, uh...?

What are we making here?

Well,

GPS chips, just like
the one in your phone,

calculate your location

using signals from satellite dishes.

Four or more.

Now, those satellites dishes are

12,500 miles away in orbit.

That missile's only 3,000 miles away,

so, if we can build a...

...stronger, closer satellite dish...

we might be able to
aim it at that missile

and trick its GPS into thinking

that California isn't where
it thought it was, and...

Move the Earth.

Riley, which way is west?

Uh...

Perfect. Jack, the window.

That I understand.

Once you access the GPS satellites,

find the one furthest
away and mimic its signal.

Yeah.

The Pentagon's 60 seconds from
launching a counterstrike,

and there's not a damn
thing I can do about it,

so if you're gonna do something,
now is the time.

All right, this should do it,
but the dish isn't transmitting.

Oh, we need power.

I need something to hold it,
like a binder clip or a stapler.

Or a Jack Dalton.

Whoa!

Hang on!

We're transmitting.

Whatever you're doing, don't stop.

Detonation in five, four,

three...

Detonation!

We have detonation.

The missile's been destroyed.

We did it!

You all right?

Yeah.

I'll be damned.

Did we just pull off a
genuine Christmas miracle?

Stop! Stop!

I don't suppose either one of you

has another miracle up your sleeve?

Hey!

When I heard y'all were
stuck in a Chinese prison,

I called Santa,

pulled some strings with the elves,

and got Christmas Eve
rescheduled for tonight, so,

I'm breaking out the eggnog
'cause we got some

- celebrating to do, people!
- All right.

Yay!

Hi. Good to see you. Merry Christmas.

Miss you.

And some of that.

- Merry Christmas.
- I miss you.

Yeah, get some of that.

Ah.

Took some serious wrangling
of the Chinese government,

but I got you something.

Well, you and the NSA.

Now I feel bad,

'cause all I got you was
a box of paper clips.

Oh.

And two dozen arrests.

As of this morning,

all the members of The Collective

have been tracked down
and taken into custody.

The organization has been neutralized.

Oh, that's a hell of a stocking stuffer.

Yeah, yeah, that's all great and all,

but you want to hear
the really good news?

My world famous

pastrami's ready.

Follow me.

It's actually good.

I don't see any mistletoe.

I see my daughter.

That's enough.

I love that little girl.

I always have. You know that.

How did we go wrong?

Well, for starters,
I lied to you the whole time

about what I do for a living.
That ain't good.

Yes, there's that.

And just so you know,
I left for her sake.

I didn't want to screw her up.
You know how I can get.

No.

Well, at least that's
what I told myself,

but now I think I realize

that I can see how much I
was starting to mean to her,

and freaked me out a little bit.

Didn't think I was man enough
for the job, you know?

And I've never thought
I was a good enough man

for a woman like you, Diane.

If Riley chose you,

you were more than good enough.

For both of us.

Thanks.

Maybe it's not too late.

Yeah, maybe.

And that's all yours.

See? I tell you we do
Christmas right around here.

Thank you.

Ah.

Your present.

You earned it.

"129." What...?

- These are your last three digits?
- Mm-hmm.

- This is the rest of your number?
- Text me anytime.

Well, maybe not when I'm sleeping,

but let's try to keep it
during business hours, okay?

Girl, you're gonna be
getting so many cat memes.

Bozer, do not make me regret this.

I'm gonna go get my phone.

I'm gonna text you.

Ah.

Hey.

You just made his Christmas.

Yeah.

Look.

I guess this goes without saying, but...

You're glad I'm not another psycho hacker

hell-bent on ending the world?

- Yeah. That.
- Mm.

But, Riley,
I will admit, I had my doubts.

He never did, though.

He never thought you turned.

Not even for an instant.

Hey.

Is that your present from Mac?

Yeah. Yeah, don't tell
him, but... I peeked.

What is it?

It's a... a Snuggie.

Oh.

Yeah.

But it's a Dallas Cowboys
Snuggie, so, you know,

um, I'll probably wear it.

Nice.

Yeah.

I guess we should probably
talk about everything, huh?

No. We're good.

Ah.

This is the best gift
I could get right here.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. What is this?

Whoa. Whoa.

What?

Bozer said you never
had a white Christmas,

so I decided I had to fix that.

Thanks, Mac.

Merry Christmas.

- Nice work, buddy.
- You like it?

Nice work.