M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 9, Episode 7 - Your Retention Please - full transcript
When an pushy retention officer comes to the camp to persuade staff to extend their terms of service, Klinger, distraught at his domestic situation, is persuaded to do so.
♪♪♪ (theme)
‐Yablonski.
‐Ho.
Hutchinson. Hey, Hutch,
this is your lucky day.
They finally forwarded this
from your old unit.
I'd glad I got it
before I go home.
Horner.
Klinger, Maxie. Mulcahy.
Maxie? Maxie. Maxie.
It's from Laverne.
Corporal, can I have
my letter, please?
Huh? Oh. Oh, yeah.
‐Yeah. Here, Father.
‐Oh.
Oh.
Good morning, Klinger.
Good morning, darling.
‐Come again, snookums?
‐Huh?
Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
It's a letter from Laverne.
Laverne, the ex‐missus
who left you high and dry
for that butcher boy?
Morty's a sausage maker.
That's below butcher in
the Toledo social register.
But everything's
changed now, sir.
Listen to what I read so far.
"Dear Maxie, You are much
in my mind these days.
"Taking up with Morty
was a terrible mistake.
The man's soul is made
of animal by‐products."
Guess that makes you feel
pretty happy, huh?
Seeing the sausage king
put through the old grinder.
It's more than that, sir.
Can't you read between the
lines? She wants me back.
Oh, that's music to my eyes!
Hold on, Mr. About‐face.
Is this the same woman
you described as a chippy,
a leech, and a vampire?
All lies to save face, sir.
You don't get over a goddess.
Well, what else does the little
Aphrodite have to say?
Let me see.
"Thank goodness for Gus.
He helped me realize
the error of my ways."
Oh! Good old Gus. I knew
I could count on him.
Who is this Gus cuss?
Gus Nagy, my best friend.
See, a while back,
he wrote me
Laverne and Morty
were having fights.
So I told him to do his best
to keep the fur flyin'.
‐Ah.
‐(Laughing)
"And so, dear Max,
"I wanted to let you know
"before you hear it
from anybody else.
I am marrying Gus Nagy."
I can't believe it.
I just lost my best girl
and my best friend
in one lousy sentence.
Now, pull yourself together,
son. You'll bounce back.
When you get home
to Toledo,
you'll find a new girl
and a new friend.
Toledo. I'll be
the laughingstock there.
It's like Nero Wolfe said,
you can't go home again.
(Helicopter Approaching)
I had one shot at true
happiness,
and now it's killed me.
I tell you what, Max.
After you're done in O. R.,
take the next 24 hours off.
That's Doc Potter's RX
for a broken heart: time.
‐CHARLES: Damn it.
Hold that book steady.
‐Sorry, Doctor.
B.J.: Charles,
just turn to the last page
and find out how
the operation comes out.
POTTER: Leave him alone,
Hunnicutt.
If he's reconstructing
nerves via library book,
the least you can do
is shh!
There must be an ellipsis.
It doesn't say how
to prevent scar tissue.
Doctor, you might try
wrapping the nerve endings
with tantalum foil.
‐That'll protect them.
‐I beg your pardon?
(clears throat)
I said you might try‐‐
I heard what you said.
Since when does
a noncommissioned amateur
presume to instruct
an officer and a physician
on proper surgical
technique? Clamp.
I know the procedure, sir.
Back in the States,
I observed Dr. Worsely
performing it.
‐Dr. David Worsely?
‐Yes.
Ho ho ho. He was a pioneer
in peripheral nerve surgery.
Hunnicutt, the fact that
they granted this neophyte
sightseeing privileges
does not qualify him
as a consultant.
I wasn't a sightseer.
I was a technician
on his surgical team
for over a year.
Why don't you listen
to Hutchinson, Charles?
What you're reading is history.
He was there when it was made.
POTTER: Winchester,
close the mouth
and open the mind.
Aha. A thought strikes me.
Hutchinson, what would you
say to tantalum foil here?
‐Good idea, sir.
‐Oh.
After all,
you're the doctor.
Hey, old‐timer, I'm lookin'
for Colonel Potter.
Could you speak up, sonny?
My bird and I are
a little hard of hearin'.
Sorry, sir.
Uh, I thought, uh,
Eh, that's okay, Sarge.
I'm subbin'
for my company clerk.
Now what can I do you for?
Sergeant Joe Vickers, sir.
Area retention officer.
I've got the names
of your enlistees
who are due for discharge.
I wanted to talk to them
about re‐upping.
I trust you brought
your portable torture kit.
(laughs)
No high pressure from me, sir.
I just wanna point out
the big picture.
You know, you remind me of
a feller
who once tried
to sell me a dead mule.
Said it'd be no problem
to feed and it didn't kick.
(laughing)
That's a good one, sir.
Uh, Oh, I have this, uh,
memo for you too, sir.
As, uh, C. O., you're obliged
to try to get your officers
to, uh, extend their tours.
You'd better talk
to the commander about that.
I'm just the company clerk.
(humming)
Oh, Charles.
Read any good books lately?
Yeah, Charles.
Professor Hutchinson
just came in.
Why don't you go over
and thank him
for that lesson
he taught you today?
Bandy your japes, apes.
But the reason I was chosen
to do that operation
is that I can read.
One might even say that I'm
the pick of the literate.
Evening, laddies.
Say howdy to Sergeant Vickers.
He's our friendly neighborhood
retention officer.
Too bad he didn't come
to a friendly neighborhood.
No offense. We just don't
like war‐to‐war salesmen.
Hey! You're a great
bunch of kidders.
Well, I like
a good joke myself.
In that case, may I
present Major Winchester?
Major Winchester.
You must be a career man.
I‐‐ (chortles)
(chortling continues)
Let me ask you
something, Sarge.
Doesn't it bother you
to sweet‐talk young kids
into risking their lives
all over again?
Hey, I'm just offering
a little free advice.
Like how to avoid old age.
Ah.
Nothing I like better
than the free exchange
of ideas.
That's Sergeant Hutchinson
over there.
He's on that short‐timers
list of yours.
Oh, yes. Excuse me.
Enjoyed shootin' the breeze.
‐Uh, but‐‐
‐Let the man be, Pierce.
We all got our little
tasks in life.
Incidentally, there's
a meeting in my office
‐tomorrow at 0900.
‐What about, Colonel?
I don't wanna let the kitty
out of the burlap.
VICKERS:
What's with you, buddy?
‐But rest assured‐‐
‐HUTCHINSON: Shut up!
...it'll be short and sour.
‐(chairs bumping)
‐(objects crashing)
‐Cut it out.
‐What are you talking about?
‐What did I say?
‐What's all the hugga‐mugga?
Don't ask me.
I was tellin' him about
army opportunities,
and he jumps me.
Don't give me
that "opportunities" bull.
I'm a registered nurse,
just like all
these women here.
But when they came
into the army,
they were made officers
automatically.
I should've been, too,
but they made me
a lousy private.
The army won't
recognize me as a nurse
because I'm a man,
so I spend half my time
pushing a stupid broom.
‐He's right, you know.
‐This man's army
is very discriminating.
You bet it is. You got
a lot of nerve, buddy.
Look, pal, I don't make
the rules around here.
If the service isn't
your cup of joe, fine.
I'm not here
to shanghai anybody.
Why bother? There are plenty
of other fish in the barrel.
Look, Captain, there's
a lot of get‐ahead guys
that think the army would
make a darn swell career.
Not for me, buddy. Forget it.
Hey, give me a chance.
You got character.
I don't make this offer
to just anybody.
Sarge, I got a great‐lookin'
gal to go home to,
not to mention my wife,
so it just ain't
in the cards.
Igor.
Another glass of cheer.
You think you got it rough?
Look at that guy.
‐♪♪♪ ("Harbor Lights")
‐(sighs)
Boy, he looks terrible.
What's his story?
He got a "Dear Maxie"
letter.
Says he's got
nothin' to go home to.
Oh, yeah?
Well, that's a shame.
Please. Allow me.
Some tune, huh?
The greatest.
For a certain little lady
and me, that was our song.
This drink's on me,
Maxie.
Please.
Don't call me Maxie.
Only Laverne called me that.
And‐‐
‐And‐‐
‐That's it, pal.
Get it off your chest.
Tell Joey all about it.
Yeah. You're right, Joey.
Who are you?
A buddy,
someone who cares.
Joey?
You ever have...
your best friend
stab you in the back?
Not since the army
became my best friend.
You ever...
suddenly feel
that you're lost,
that there's no place
left for you to go?
I used to.
That was before
the army became my home.
‐Oh. Really?
‐Sure.
Think about it.
The army feeds you,
clothes you,
gives you a place to sleep.
Every guy in khaki is family.
Oh, that's beautiful, Joey.
‐The army is beautiful.
‐To the army.
Max,
you've got character.
I wouldn't make this offer
to just anybody.
What kind of an offer?
What you need is an anchor,
something that won't
run out on you.
You know
what I'm talking about?
The army.
(chuckling) Hey.
You're way ahead of me, Max.
Did you ever think
about re‐enlisting?
Where do I sign?
Okay, I got
somethin' to tell ya,
and I don't wanna hear so much
as a titter, a snicker,
or a guffaw from anyone.
You hear that, Charles?
The subject of this meeting
is the army.
So far, so good.
I have been directed
to address you
on the possibility of making
the army your career.
(muffled whimper)
(laughing continues)
(Charles, laughing)
Army, career.
I'm sorry.
If I held that in,
my teeth would've exploded.
Come on.
You gotta be kidding.
Gentlemen, please,
it's impolite to laugh
at the senile.
What'd he say?
Loss of hearing
is the first sign.
Will you clowns keep quiet!
Some of us are interested
in what Colonel Potter
has to say. Go on, Colonel.
‐Why, thank you, Major.
‐(kissing noise)
You blow one more kiss,
Pierce,
and those lips
will never walk again.
Please. I'd like
to hear this, too.
(making kissing noises)
Oh, blow it
out your bugle!
Colonel,
please continue.
Gracias, Padre.
Now, I think you'll admit
the army presents
unique opportunities
that can't be had
anywhere else.
That's very true.
What other job
lets you die for a living?
Certainly a
once‐in‐a‐lifetime
opportunity.
The army provides
a chance to see the world.
Scenic tours of all
the great battlefields.
It provides a home.
Where even the buffalo
wouldn't roam.
Okay. That's it.
Lecture's over!
Class dismissed!
Except you, Pierce.
Since you insist
on behaving like a dunce,
you can cap it off
by staying after school.
Why me? They were bad too.
Yeah, but you're
the top Katzenjammer.
Since I gave Klinger
the day off,
you can fill in for him.
Here. File these.
Ah, the X‐rays.
I should've known
he'd file them under "E."
Good morning, Captain.
You people certainly
divide up the diddly work
democratically.
Well, that's
why we're over here,
to make the world
safe for diddly.
(chuckling) I'd like
to leave these for your C. O.
It's the names of all
the re‐enlistees.
How many pigeons
did you bag?
I signed up
two fine young men
who realize they have
a solid future
with Uncle Sam.
Let me see them.
I want to know who to untie.
"Rizzo, L." Mm.
"Klinger, M." Klinger?
That one was pure gravy.
Six years.
He wasn't even on the list.
I'm afraid the gravy's
on you, Vickers.
‐Klinger is strictly
a homing pigeon.
‐Huh?
You must have gotten
somebody else.
Nobody hates the army
more than Klinger.
He's spent his entire career
trying to get season tickets
to Section Eight.
Gee, I don't know.
This Klinger...
dark, hairy guy, big beak.
Let me see that.
(chuckles)
When I saw him
in the O Club,
crying in his beer over
some skirt named Laverne‐‐
(snap)
...it was all over
but the signing.
Vickers, you're a vulture.
Doctor, you operate your way.
I'll operate mine.
[clicks heels]
See ya.
‐♪♪♪ ("Harbor Lights" on jukebox)
‐Klinger, come on. Get up.
‐Huh?
‐Get up. The maid wants to put
fresh linen on the bar.
Oh, please. Didn't you read
the "Do Not Disturb The Dead"
sign?
‐This is no time to let
a sleeping drunk lie.
‐♪♪♪ (stops)
Oh! Don't! All I have left
of Laverne is that song.
Klinger, do you have any idea
what you did last night?
‐Last night?
‐Last night, yeah.
‐Last night.
‐Last night.
No. It's all one fuzzy blur.
That's great.
That's perfect. Okay.
I must have passed out
after I reenlisted.
‐What?
‐I said I passed out.
Why do you think
I was lying here?
You don't remember
what you did.
You didn't have any idea
what you were doing last night.
‐How could you?
‐But I did.
Give me a little credit,
Captain.
I may be a rummy,
but I'm no dummy.
The army provides you
with a home and a career.
This from the man
who built himself wings
and tried to flap his way
back to the States?
Now the army's my best friend.
I may get shot in the stomach,
but I won't get stabbed
in the back,
not the way I did
by that wife‐stealer Gus Nagy.
Oh. So, you mean‐‐
You mean Laverne and Gus‐‐
(bawling)
Oh, Laverne!
Klinger. Klinger.
Klinger, come here.
Get up. Look. Look.
You're gonna get over Laverne
in a little while,
but that's no reason
to throw away the best years
of your life.
‐I haven't.
‐What do you mean?
Well, it's not official
until I raise my right hand
and Col. Potter swears me in.
Ah! Yes, Virginia!
There is an escape clause.
Come here. Come on, come on.
You really had me going
there for a while,
you little devil, you.
Come on back.
You'll get changed.
You'll get all cleaned up.
Oh, good idea.
I'll do that.
Right after I see Col. Potter
and take the oath.
He was drunk.
He didn't know
what he was doing.
Sure, I did.
I was drinking.
Look, Vickers caught Klinger
with his heart down.
It'd be criminal of you
to swear him in now.
‐You just can't do it.
‐Slow down, Pierce.
The boy's not drunk now.
Let him have his say.
Face it. I'm a poor kid
off the streets.
The only real experience
I have is hustling pool.
But now I have a chance to
rise through the army's ranks
and make something of myself.
‐Pretty sober thoughts, Pierce.
‐Come on. He's crazy.
Nobody but an idiot
would ever reenlist.
I wonder if you can think
of any exceptions to that rule.
Take your time.
I can wait.
I'm going to be here
a while yet.
‐That's a hint, by the way.
‐Colonel, I didn't mean‐‐
Pierce! I've had it up to here
with your forever putting
the knock on the army!
The military has produced
some great men:
George Washington,
Andy Jackson,
Teddy Roosevelt.
And if Klinger
wants to re‐up,
I'll be proud
to swear him in.
‐Thank you, sir.
‐Oh, no.
After he's had
some time to cool off.
‐Thank you.
‐Oh, no.
Son, this is too big
to rush into.
Take some time. Think it
through and through.
You understand?
Yes, sir. The colonel
is very wise.
This is a major step,
and I shouldn't take it
in the heat of passion.
Smart lad. I'll be in here
when and if you're ready.
Now get going
and start thinking.
‐Colonel,
‐Pierce, you just get going.
Now, look, I want you
to go sort this out.
I'll keep doing your work
so you can give it
your full concentration.
Thank you, sir.
I'm gonna sort real hard.
‐POTTER: Come in.
‐Sir, I thought it out.
Well, I must say
you have a very nice
leg up on your recovery.
Gee, Doc, I don't know
how to thank you.
Actually, I wasn't alone.
Sergeant Hutchinson
here served as my foil.
‐Well, thank you, Doc.
‐Don't mention it.
One day, you'll be
proud to announce
that you had the honor
of observing the great
Dr. Winchester.
Anything I should know
from here on out?
‐Ask the expert.
‐Just keep a close watch.
If there's infection,
the tantalum acts
as a foreign body,
and you have to remove it.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to sweep out the lab.
It just doesn't seem fair.
He's as good a nurse
as any of us here.
♪♪♪ (Harbor Lights)
‐♪♪♪ (stops)
‐That's enough
from the hurt parade.
As long as the
"Harbor Lights" are on,
you're never gonna
see things clearly.
Oh, I see things very clearly.
That's why I'm writing Gus.
"Dear Scum."
I figured I'd start slow
and then really
let him have it.
Gus knew
I still loved Laverne.
I told him that
when I wrote him.
I don't understand
something.
If all this happened
because you wrote Gus
in the first place,
how were you gonna
make things better
by writing Gus
in the second place?
What do you want from me?
I can't just sit
and wallow in self‐pity.
Oh, Laverne! Laverne!
Klinger, listen to me.
You're yelling at him,
but you're crying for her.
If you wanna communicate
with Laverne,
why don't you
write Laverne?
Hey. Maybe you got
a point there.
You bet I do. Look,
I'll make it easy for you.
I'll be your personal
secretary.
You just talk.
Tell me what you want to say.
Ahem.
My dearest
precious flower.
Ah.
Thank you for your note
of October 16.
It's always good
to hear from you.
And how are things
in Toledo?
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not an application
for a car loan.
It's a love letter.
Let your heart do the talking.
Laverne...
this is gonna knock you
off your pins,
but I still love you.
Ah. All right. Okay.
When I give my heart away,
it's for good.
Good.
I even loved you when
you were married to me
and you cheated on me
with Morty.
After all,
you're only human.
I was thousands
of miles away,
and there was Morty
with his thriving
sausage business
to bring home the bacon.
Boy, that must have hurt.
You bet your life it did.
I have feelings, you know.
Don't tell me.
Tell Laverne.
Laverne, I have
feelings, you know.
I don't need you and Gus
to use my heartstrings
for a taffy pull.
‐Attaboy.
‐When we got married,
it was supposed to be
for better or worse.
Only I gave the better,
and you gave the worse.
What are you
gonna do about it?
I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do about it.
Laverne,
I'm washing my hands
of both of you!
You're rotten to the core!
You deserve each other!
Sign it John Hancock.
It's my Declaration of
Independence.
Okay! That's wonderful.
At last you're a free man.
You got your whole
life ahead of you.
‐I'm a free man!
‐Right.
I'm also an idiot.
What do you mean?
There's just one hitch,
and it lasts six years.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
I went to the colonel
and had him swear me in.
You mean, after all he said,
Colonel Potter
swore you in anyway?
Yeah, yeah. He even
welcomed me aboard.
Oh, I'm so stupid!
What have I done?
All right, all right.
Don't worry about it.
You're gonna be all right.
You just relax
and let hotter heads prevail.
I don't believe this.
You took advantage
of an emotional cripple.
That's no better
than Vickers.
Look, I had no choice.
Klinger came in here
all het up.
Said if I didn't swear him in,
he'd drive to I‐Corps
and find somebody who would.
What's the difference?
All you did was
save him a trip.
The difference is
that I had a chance
to hear those immortal words
"I, Maxwell Klinger,
do solemnly promise
"that I will faithfully
execute the office of Soldier
and will to the best
of my ability preserve"‐‐
Wait, wait.
"Office of Soldier"?
That doesn't sound
like the oath I took.
That's because you've
never been elected
President of the U. S. of A.
Huh?
Klinger didn't say
exactly what oath he wanted.
I figured he wouldn't
know the difference,
and it bought us
a little time.
I guess I've overstepped
the bounds
of common stupidity.
I owe you an apology.
Well, maybe now you'll realize
that olive drab and gray matter
don't necessarily clash.
Touché, Colonel.
Klinger's gonna be as relieved
to hear this as I am.
You mean he's done
an about‐face again?
He sure has. He's sitting
in his office now
thinking he's
a prisoner of war.
And you left him alone?
I knew it. That cuckoo's
flown the coop.
And I'm the one who
opened the cage for him.
I never should have made
him chief executive.
I'll get on the horn and
notify the constabulary.
Tell them to be gentle, Colonel.
They may not
respect the man,
but they must respect
the office.
All right. Listen up, folks.
Last couple of weeks,
we've all benefited
from the stateside savvy
of a crackerjack corpsman
Sergeant Barney Hutchinson.
However, due to matters
beyond our control,
the man is not getting
the recognition he deserves.
So our very own Major Houlihan
has come up with a brainstorm
that just might
even the score.
‐Major.
‐Oh.
Sergeant Hutchinson,
front and center.
Any news on Klinger?
No, but I've got a call in
to the White House.
These are my old
lieutenant's bars.
For your remaining
three weeks,
you shall have
the unofficial rank
of honorary first lieutenant.
‐Congratulations.
‐(Hawkeye laughing)
HUTCHINSON: What the‐‐
MAN: Hey!
It's Corporal Godiva.
Good grief. What is this
disgusting spectacle?
Oh, it's Klinger on Sophie,
and they're both naked.
What in the name
of George Armstrong Custer
do you think you're doing?
This demonstration
is intended to dramatize
that I am unfit
to wear any uniform.
I am incompetent.
I'm insubordinate.
And indecent.
This is a protest.
I was drafted behind my back.
So can I be discharged?
Discharged?
You're gonna be impeached.
Tell me,
Lieutenant Hutchinson,
how does it feel
to be a member
of the ruling class?
It feels terrific.
That's speaking
unofficially, of course.
If anyone says you're
not a real lieutenant,
they'll have to answer
to me.
(all chattering)
Just think.
Even if I didn't know it,
for a couple of hours there,
I was the leader
of the entire free world.
It just goes to prove
the American Dream
is not dead.
Any boy can grow up
to be First Lady.
♪♪♪ ("Harbor Lights")
Will you excuse me
for a moment please?
‐(scratch)
‐♪♪♪ (stops)
Any requests?
It's my nickel.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (theme)
‐Yablonski.
‐Ho.
Hutchinson. Hey, Hutch,
this is your lucky day.
They finally forwarded this
from your old unit.
I'd glad I got it
before I go home.
Horner.
Klinger, Maxie. Mulcahy.
Maxie? Maxie. Maxie.
It's from Laverne.
Corporal, can I have
my letter, please?
Huh? Oh. Oh, yeah.
‐Yeah. Here, Father.
‐Oh.
Oh.
Good morning, Klinger.
Good morning, darling.
‐Come again, snookums?
‐Huh?
Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
It's a letter from Laverne.
Laverne, the ex‐missus
who left you high and dry
for that butcher boy?
Morty's a sausage maker.
That's below butcher in
the Toledo social register.
But everything's
changed now, sir.
Listen to what I read so far.
"Dear Maxie, You are much
in my mind these days.
"Taking up with Morty
was a terrible mistake.
The man's soul is made
of animal by‐products."
Guess that makes you feel
pretty happy, huh?
Seeing the sausage king
put through the old grinder.
It's more than that, sir.
Can't you read between the
lines? She wants me back.
Oh, that's music to my eyes!
Hold on, Mr. About‐face.
Is this the same woman
you described as a chippy,
a leech, and a vampire?
All lies to save face, sir.
You don't get over a goddess.
Well, what else does the little
Aphrodite have to say?
Let me see.
"Thank goodness for Gus.
He helped me realize
the error of my ways."
Oh! Good old Gus. I knew
I could count on him.
Who is this Gus cuss?
Gus Nagy, my best friend.
See, a while back,
he wrote me
Laverne and Morty
were having fights.
So I told him to do his best
to keep the fur flyin'.
‐Ah.
‐(Laughing)
"And so, dear Max,
"I wanted to let you know
"before you hear it
from anybody else.
I am marrying Gus Nagy."
I can't believe it.
I just lost my best girl
and my best friend
in one lousy sentence.
Now, pull yourself together,
son. You'll bounce back.
When you get home
to Toledo,
you'll find a new girl
and a new friend.
Toledo. I'll be
the laughingstock there.
It's like Nero Wolfe said,
you can't go home again.
(Helicopter Approaching)
I had one shot at true
happiness,
and now it's killed me.
I tell you what, Max.
After you're done in O. R.,
take the next 24 hours off.
That's Doc Potter's RX
for a broken heart: time.
‐CHARLES: Damn it.
Hold that book steady.
‐Sorry, Doctor.
B.J.: Charles,
just turn to the last page
and find out how
the operation comes out.
POTTER: Leave him alone,
Hunnicutt.
If he's reconstructing
nerves via library book,
the least you can do
is shh!
There must be an ellipsis.
It doesn't say how
to prevent scar tissue.
Doctor, you might try
wrapping the nerve endings
with tantalum foil.
‐That'll protect them.
‐I beg your pardon?
(clears throat)
I said you might try‐‐
I heard what you said.
Since when does
a noncommissioned amateur
presume to instruct
an officer and a physician
on proper surgical
technique? Clamp.
I know the procedure, sir.
Back in the States,
I observed Dr. Worsely
performing it.
‐Dr. David Worsely?
‐Yes.
Ho ho ho. He was a pioneer
in peripheral nerve surgery.
Hunnicutt, the fact that
they granted this neophyte
sightseeing privileges
does not qualify him
as a consultant.
I wasn't a sightseer.
I was a technician
on his surgical team
for over a year.
Why don't you listen
to Hutchinson, Charles?
What you're reading is history.
He was there when it was made.
POTTER: Winchester,
close the mouth
and open the mind.
Aha. A thought strikes me.
Hutchinson, what would you
say to tantalum foil here?
‐Good idea, sir.
‐Oh.
After all,
you're the doctor.
Hey, old‐timer, I'm lookin'
for Colonel Potter.
Could you speak up, sonny?
My bird and I are
a little hard of hearin'.
Sorry, sir.
Uh, I thought, uh,
Eh, that's okay, Sarge.
I'm subbin'
for my company clerk.
Now what can I do you for?
Sergeant Joe Vickers, sir.
Area retention officer.
I've got the names
of your enlistees
who are due for discharge.
I wanted to talk to them
about re‐upping.
I trust you brought
your portable torture kit.
(laughs)
No high pressure from me, sir.
I just wanna point out
the big picture.
You know, you remind me of
a feller
who once tried
to sell me a dead mule.
Said it'd be no problem
to feed and it didn't kick.
(laughing)
That's a good one, sir.
Uh, Oh, I have this, uh,
memo for you too, sir.
As, uh, C. O., you're obliged
to try to get your officers
to, uh, extend their tours.
You'd better talk
to the commander about that.
I'm just the company clerk.
(humming)
Oh, Charles.
Read any good books lately?
Yeah, Charles.
Professor Hutchinson
just came in.
Why don't you go over
and thank him
for that lesson
he taught you today?
Bandy your japes, apes.
But the reason I was chosen
to do that operation
is that I can read.
One might even say that I'm
the pick of the literate.
Evening, laddies.
Say howdy to Sergeant Vickers.
He's our friendly neighborhood
retention officer.
Too bad he didn't come
to a friendly neighborhood.
No offense. We just don't
like war‐to‐war salesmen.
Hey! You're a great
bunch of kidders.
Well, I like
a good joke myself.
In that case, may I
present Major Winchester?
Major Winchester.
You must be a career man.
I‐‐ (chortles)
(chortling continues)
Let me ask you
something, Sarge.
Doesn't it bother you
to sweet‐talk young kids
into risking their lives
all over again?
Hey, I'm just offering
a little free advice.
Like how to avoid old age.
Ah.
Nothing I like better
than the free exchange
of ideas.
That's Sergeant Hutchinson
over there.
He's on that short‐timers
list of yours.
Oh, yes. Excuse me.
Enjoyed shootin' the breeze.
‐Uh, but‐‐
‐Let the man be, Pierce.
We all got our little
tasks in life.
Incidentally, there's
a meeting in my office
‐tomorrow at 0900.
‐What about, Colonel?
I don't wanna let the kitty
out of the burlap.
VICKERS:
What's with you, buddy?
‐But rest assured‐‐
‐HUTCHINSON: Shut up!
...it'll be short and sour.
‐(chairs bumping)
‐(objects crashing)
‐Cut it out.
‐What are you talking about?
‐What did I say?
‐What's all the hugga‐mugga?
Don't ask me.
I was tellin' him about
army opportunities,
and he jumps me.
Don't give me
that "opportunities" bull.
I'm a registered nurse,
just like all
these women here.
But when they came
into the army,
they were made officers
automatically.
I should've been, too,
but they made me
a lousy private.
The army won't
recognize me as a nurse
because I'm a man,
so I spend half my time
pushing a stupid broom.
‐He's right, you know.
‐This man's army
is very discriminating.
You bet it is. You got
a lot of nerve, buddy.
Look, pal, I don't make
the rules around here.
If the service isn't
your cup of joe, fine.
I'm not here
to shanghai anybody.
Why bother? There are plenty
of other fish in the barrel.
Look, Captain, there's
a lot of get‐ahead guys
that think the army would
make a darn swell career.
Not for me, buddy. Forget it.
Hey, give me a chance.
You got character.
I don't make this offer
to just anybody.
Sarge, I got a great‐lookin'
gal to go home to,
not to mention my wife,
so it just ain't
in the cards.
Igor.
Another glass of cheer.
You think you got it rough?
Look at that guy.
‐♪♪♪ ("Harbor Lights")
‐(sighs)
Boy, he looks terrible.
What's his story?
He got a "Dear Maxie"
letter.
Says he's got
nothin' to go home to.
Oh, yeah?
Well, that's a shame.
Please. Allow me.
Some tune, huh?
The greatest.
For a certain little lady
and me, that was our song.
This drink's on me,
Maxie.
Please.
Don't call me Maxie.
Only Laverne called me that.
And‐‐
‐And‐‐
‐That's it, pal.
Get it off your chest.
Tell Joey all about it.
Yeah. You're right, Joey.
Who are you?
A buddy,
someone who cares.
Joey?
You ever have...
your best friend
stab you in the back?
Not since the army
became my best friend.
You ever...
suddenly feel
that you're lost,
that there's no place
left for you to go?
I used to.
That was before
the army became my home.
‐Oh. Really?
‐Sure.
Think about it.
The army feeds you,
clothes you,
gives you a place to sleep.
Every guy in khaki is family.
Oh, that's beautiful, Joey.
‐The army is beautiful.
‐To the army.
Max,
you've got character.
I wouldn't make this offer
to just anybody.
What kind of an offer?
What you need is an anchor,
something that won't
run out on you.
You know
what I'm talking about?
The army.
(chuckling) Hey.
You're way ahead of me, Max.
Did you ever think
about re‐enlisting?
Where do I sign?
Okay, I got
somethin' to tell ya,
and I don't wanna hear so much
as a titter, a snicker,
or a guffaw from anyone.
You hear that, Charles?
The subject of this meeting
is the army.
So far, so good.
I have been directed
to address you
on the possibility of making
the army your career.
(muffled whimper)
(laughing continues)
(Charles, laughing)
Army, career.
I'm sorry.
If I held that in,
my teeth would've exploded.
Come on.
You gotta be kidding.
Gentlemen, please,
it's impolite to laugh
at the senile.
What'd he say?
Loss of hearing
is the first sign.
Will you clowns keep quiet!
Some of us are interested
in what Colonel Potter
has to say. Go on, Colonel.
‐Why, thank you, Major.
‐(kissing noise)
You blow one more kiss,
Pierce,
and those lips
will never walk again.
Please. I'd like
to hear this, too.
(making kissing noises)
Oh, blow it
out your bugle!
Colonel,
please continue.
Gracias, Padre.
Now, I think you'll admit
the army presents
unique opportunities
that can't be had
anywhere else.
That's very true.
What other job
lets you die for a living?
Certainly a
once‐in‐a‐lifetime
opportunity.
The army provides
a chance to see the world.
Scenic tours of all
the great battlefields.
It provides a home.
Where even the buffalo
wouldn't roam.
Okay. That's it.
Lecture's over!
Class dismissed!
Except you, Pierce.
Since you insist
on behaving like a dunce,
you can cap it off
by staying after school.
Why me? They were bad too.
Yeah, but you're
the top Katzenjammer.
Since I gave Klinger
the day off,
you can fill in for him.
Here. File these.
Ah, the X‐rays.
I should've known
he'd file them under "E."
Good morning, Captain.
You people certainly
divide up the diddly work
democratically.
Well, that's
why we're over here,
to make the world
safe for diddly.
(chuckling) I'd like
to leave these for your C. O.
It's the names of all
the re‐enlistees.
How many pigeons
did you bag?
I signed up
two fine young men
who realize they have
a solid future
with Uncle Sam.
Let me see them.
I want to know who to untie.
"Rizzo, L." Mm.
"Klinger, M." Klinger?
That one was pure gravy.
Six years.
He wasn't even on the list.
I'm afraid the gravy's
on you, Vickers.
‐Klinger is strictly
a homing pigeon.
‐Huh?
You must have gotten
somebody else.
Nobody hates the army
more than Klinger.
He's spent his entire career
trying to get season tickets
to Section Eight.
Gee, I don't know.
This Klinger...
dark, hairy guy, big beak.
Let me see that.
(chuckles)
When I saw him
in the O Club,
crying in his beer over
some skirt named Laverne‐‐
(snap)
...it was all over
but the signing.
Vickers, you're a vulture.
Doctor, you operate your way.
I'll operate mine.
[clicks heels]
See ya.
‐♪♪♪ ("Harbor Lights" on jukebox)
‐Klinger, come on. Get up.
‐Huh?
‐Get up. The maid wants to put
fresh linen on the bar.
Oh, please. Didn't you read
the "Do Not Disturb The Dead"
sign?
‐This is no time to let
a sleeping drunk lie.
‐♪♪♪ (stops)
Oh! Don't! All I have left
of Laverne is that song.
Klinger, do you have any idea
what you did last night?
‐Last night?
‐Last night, yeah.
‐Last night.
‐Last night.
No. It's all one fuzzy blur.
That's great.
That's perfect. Okay.
I must have passed out
after I reenlisted.
‐What?
‐I said I passed out.
Why do you think
I was lying here?
You don't remember
what you did.
You didn't have any idea
what you were doing last night.
‐How could you?
‐But I did.
Give me a little credit,
Captain.
I may be a rummy,
but I'm no dummy.
The army provides you
with a home and a career.
This from the man
who built himself wings
and tried to flap his way
back to the States?
Now the army's my best friend.
I may get shot in the stomach,
but I won't get stabbed
in the back,
not the way I did
by that wife‐stealer Gus Nagy.
Oh. So, you mean‐‐
You mean Laverne and Gus‐‐
(bawling)
Oh, Laverne!
Klinger. Klinger.
Klinger, come here.
Get up. Look. Look.
You're gonna get over Laverne
in a little while,
but that's no reason
to throw away the best years
of your life.
‐I haven't.
‐What do you mean?
Well, it's not official
until I raise my right hand
and Col. Potter swears me in.
Ah! Yes, Virginia!
There is an escape clause.
Come here. Come on, come on.
You really had me going
there for a while,
you little devil, you.
Come on back.
You'll get changed.
You'll get all cleaned up.
Oh, good idea.
I'll do that.
Right after I see Col. Potter
and take the oath.
He was drunk.
He didn't know
what he was doing.
Sure, I did.
I was drinking.
Look, Vickers caught Klinger
with his heart down.
It'd be criminal of you
to swear him in now.
‐You just can't do it.
‐Slow down, Pierce.
The boy's not drunk now.
Let him have his say.
Face it. I'm a poor kid
off the streets.
The only real experience
I have is hustling pool.
But now I have a chance to
rise through the army's ranks
and make something of myself.
‐Pretty sober thoughts, Pierce.
‐Come on. He's crazy.
Nobody but an idiot
would ever reenlist.
I wonder if you can think
of any exceptions to that rule.
Take your time.
I can wait.
I'm going to be here
a while yet.
‐That's a hint, by the way.
‐Colonel, I didn't mean‐‐
Pierce! I've had it up to here
with your forever putting
the knock on the army!
The military has produced
some great men:
George Washington,
Andy Jackson,
Teddy Roosevelt.
And if Klinger
wants to re‐up,
I'll be proud
to swear him in.
‐Thank you, sir.
‐Oh, no.
After he's had
some time to cool off.
‐Thank you.
‐Oh, no.
Son, this is too big
to rush into.
Take some time. Think it
through and through.
You understand?
Yes, sir. The colonel
is very wise.
This is a major step,
and I shouldn't take it
in the heat of passion.
Smart lad. I'll be in here
when and if you're ready.
Now get going
and start thinking.
‐Colonel,
‐Pierce, you just get going.
Now, look, I want you
to go sort this out.
I'll keep doing your work
so you can give it
your full concentration.
Thank you, sir.
I'm gonna sort real hard.
‐POTTER: Come in.
‐Sir, I thought it out.
Well, I must say
you have a very nice
leg up on your recovery.
Gee, Doc, I don't know
how to thank you.
Actually, I wasn't alone.
Sergeant Hutchinson
here served as my foil.
‐Well, thank you, Doc.
‐Don't mention it.
One day, you'll be
proud to announce
that you had the honor
of observing the great
Dr. Winchester.
Anything I should know
from here on out?
‐Ask the expert.
‐Just keep a close watch.
If there's infection,
the tantalum acts
as a foreign body,
and you have to remove it.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to sweep out the lab.
It just doesn't seem fair.
He's as good a nurse
as any of us here.
♪♪♪ (Harbor Lights)
‐♪♪♪ (stops)
‐That's enough
from the hurt parade.
As long as the
"Harbor Lights" are on,
you're never gonna
see things clearly.
Oh, I see things very clearly.
That's why I'm writing Gus.
"Dear Scum."
I figured I'd start slow
and then really
let him have it.
Gus knew
I still loved Laverne.
I told him that
when I wrote him.
I don't understand
something.
If all this happened
because you wrote Gus
in the first place,
how were you gonna
make things better
by writing Gus
in the second place?
What do you want from me?
I can't just sit
and wallow in self‐pity.
Oh, Laverne! Laverne!
Klinger, listen to me.
You're yelling at him,
but you're crying for her.
If you wanna communicate
with Laverne,
why don't you
write Laverne?
Hey. Maybe you got
a point there.
You bet I do. Look,
I'll make it easy for you.
I'll be your personal
secretary.
You just talk.
Tell me what you want to say.
Ahem.
My dearest
precious flower.
Ah.
Thank you for your note
of October 16.
It's always good
to hear from you.
And how are things
in Toledo?
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not an application
for a car loan.
It's a love letter.
Let your heart do the talking.
Laverne...
this is gonna knock you
off your pins,
but I still love you.
Ah. All right. Okay.
When I give my heart away,
it's for good.
Good.
I even loved you when
you were married to me
and you cheated on me
with Morty.
After all,
you're only human.
I was thousands
of miles away,
and there was Morty
with his thriving
sausage business
to bring home the bacon.
Boy, that must have hurt.
You bet your life it did.
I have feelings, you know.
Don't tell me.
Tell Laverne.
Laverne, I have
feelings, you know.
I don't need you and Gus
to use my heartstrings
for a taffy pull.
‐Attaboy.
‐When we got married,
it was supposed to be
for better or worse.
Only I gave the better,
and you gave the worse.
What are you
gonna do about it?
I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do about it.
Laverne,
I'm washing my hands
of both of you!
You're rotten to the core!
You deserve each other!
Sign it John Hancock.
It's my Declaration of
Independence.
Okay! That's wonderful.
At last you're a free man.
You got your whole
life ahead of you.
‐I'm a free man!
‐Right.
I'm also an idiot.
What do you mean?
There's just one hitch,
and it lasts six years.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
I went to the colonel
and had him swear me in.
You mean, after all he said,
Colonel Potter
swore you in anyway?
Yeah, yeah. He even
welcomed me aboard.
Oh, I'm so stupid!
What have I done?
All right, all right.
Don't worry about it.
You're gonna be all right.
You just relax
and let hotter heads prevail.
I don't believe this.
You took advantage
of an emotional cripple.
That's no better
than Vickers.
Look, I had no choice.
Klinger came in here
all het up.
Said if I didn't swear him in,
he'd drive to I‐Corps
and find somebody who would.
What's the difference?
All you did was
save him a trip.
The difference is
that I had a chance
to hear those immortal words
"I, Maxwell Klinger,
do solemnly promise
"that I will faithfully
execute the office of Soldier
and will to the best
of my ability preserve"‐‐
Wait, wait.
"Office of Soldier"?
That doesn't sound
like the oath I took.
That's because you've
never been elected
President of the U. S. of A.
Huh?
Klinger didn't say
exactly what oath he wanted.
I figured he wouldn't
know the difference,
and it bought us
a little time.
I guess I've overstepped
the bounds
of common stupidity.
I owe you an apology.
Well, maybe now you'll realize
that olive drab and gray matter
don't necessarily clash.
Touché, Colonel.
Klinger's gonna be as relieved
to hear this as I am.
You mean he's done
an about‐face again?
He sure has. He's sitting
in his office now
thinking he's
a prisoner of war.
And you left him alone?
I knew it. That cuckoo's
flown the coop.
And I'm the one who
opened the cage for him.
I never should have made
him chief executive.
I'll get on the horn and
notify the constabulary.
Tell them to be gentle, Colonel.
They may not
respect the man,
but they must respect
the office.
All right. Listen up, folks.
Last couple of weeks,
we've all benefited
from the stateside savvy
of a crackerjack corpsman
Sergeant Barney Hutchinson.
However, due to matters
beyond our control,
the man is not getting
the recognition he deserves.
So our very own Major Houlihan
has come up with a brainstorm
that just might
even the score.
‐Major.
‐Oh.
Sergeant Hutchinson,
front and center.
Any news on Klinger?
No, but I've got a call in
to the White House.
These are my old
lieutenant's bars.
For your remaining
three weeks,
you shall have
the unofficial rank
of honorary first lieutenant.
‐Congratulations.
‐(Hawkeye laughing)
HUTCHINSON: What the‐‐
MAN: Hey!
It's Corporal Godiva.
Good grief. What is this
disgusting spectacle?
Oh, it's Klinger on Sophie,
and they're both naked.
What in the name
of George Armstrong Custer
do you think you're doing?
This demonstration
is intended to dramatize
that I am unfit
to wear any uniform.
I am incompetent.
I'm insubordinate.
And indecent.
This is a protest.
I was drafted behind my back.
So can I be discharged?
Discharged?
You're gonna be impeached.
Tell me,
Lieutenant Hutchinson,
how does it feel
to be a member
of the ruling class?
It feels terrific.
That's speaking
unofficially, of course.
If anyone says you're
not a real lieutenant,
they'll have to answer
to me.
(all chattering)
Just think.
Even if I didn't know it,
for a couple of hours there,
I was the leader
of the entire free world.
It just goes to prove
the American Dream
is not dead.
Any boy can grow up
to be First Lady.
♪♪♪ ("Harbor Lights")
Will you excuse me
for a moment please?
‐(scratch)
‐♪♪♪ (stops)
Any requests?
It's my nickel.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (theme)