M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 9, Episode 18 - Blood Brothers - full transcript
Father Mulcahy is not acting like himself at all. An upcoming visit by his superior, Cardinal Reardon, has the good padre behaving like a petty, competitive child. On the eve of the biggest oration of his career, Hawkeye calls Father Mulcahy away from his sermon writing to the bedside of Pvt. Gary Sturgis (Patrick Swayze). Sturgis wants to remain at the 4077th, to watch over his unconscious buddy; and if compatible, he wants to be a donor for his friend. On Sunday morning, feeling unprepared to deliver his sermon, Father Mulcahy stands up in his bathrobe and quietly, tells a real life parable: the story of two men.
♪♪♪ (theme)
(jet passing overhead)
Park him right there, Kellye.
Sturgis, since you
called ahead,
this one will be yours.
A bed with a view
of your buddy.
Thanks a lot, doc.
Thank you.
He's not as bad
as he looks, is he?
Think he's gonna be okay.
It's a little early
to tell for sure.
Well, you guys are great
with the "no‐answer" answers.
Only when that's
all we have.
Then let me give
you the answer.
Dan's gonna make it.
He's not cashing it in over
some hill with a number on it.
Hold on to those
good thoughts.
I just hope I can stay awake.
I'd like to be the first person
he sees when he comes to.
You just rest easy.
And remember, the bathroom
is one flight down.
‐Sturgis' friend,
what's his name?
‐Lowry.
Lowry. He doesn't
look too good, huh?
His pressure's down,
his pulse and respiration
are both rapid
and his temperature's
spiked at 102.
They don't sound
like words to live by.
He's still losing blood.
I can't go in while that
infection's still there.
Just have to keep
an eye on him and hope.
HAWKEYE:
We won't be the only ones.
‐(knocking)
‐The welcome mat is lit.
Klinger said you wanted
to see me, Colonel.
Indeed I do.
I've got some good news,
and I want to deliver it
person to parson.
Ah, good news.
Well, what can it be?
Just a few minutes ago
I got a call from Command.
Does the name James Reardon
cause anything
to ring in your belfry?
James...
Cardinal Reardon?
The very same.
The honcho padre himself.
Well, I heard he was
touring Korea.
Did you also hear that
the 4077 was on his agenda?
What a wonderful
stroke of luck!
‐When?
‐Sunday morning.
Sunday morning?
What rotten luck!
Padre,
you can strip your gears
changing into reverse
that fast.
You oughta be
pleased as punch.
The cardinal will be
able to feast his ears
on one of your
whiz‐bang sermons.
Colonel Potter, that's
only two days from now!
Any sermon I could possibly
come up with that fast
won't be a whiz‐banger.
Nonsense. The first commandment
for being a good padre
is having a little
faith in yourself.
I'm sure you'll come
up with something
that'll knock the cardinal's
cassock off.
But there are so many other
things to think about!
This isn't just some
run‐of‐the‐mill monsignor.
Oh, if only you'd given me
this two‐day notice
a couple of weeks ago.
Hold onto your
hosannas, Father.
I'll have Klinger make sure
everything is perfecto
for the cardinal's arrival.
RIZZO: Come on, baby.
Roll 'em right.
Rizzo's gonna win tonight.
‐Come on, patsies.
‐(men grumbling)
Deposit your legal tenders
in the Bank of Rizzo.
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, roll' em.
Bring those bones out.
Howdee‐do, boys.
Ain't this a wonderful
happenstance?
Here I am with the padre,
and there you boys are
down on your knees.
Don't worry, sir.
The rest of these pigeons
ain't got a prayer.
Rizzo, this sort of
thing just won't do!
We're just having
a little crap game.
For cryin' out loud,
it's payday.
But the cardinal is coming!
No problem there.
His money's as good
as the next man's.
Colonel, would
you do something?
All right, boys, you know
this is against regs.
Sergeant, I'm ordering you
and your motor pool mafia
to put this floating
crap game into drydock.
(sighs)
Whatever you say, sir.
The first thing I'm gonna
do when we get home
is take that Merc
down off the blocks.
We're gonna go cruisin'
right over to Green Bay
and pick up a couple
of waitresses
at the all‐you‐can‐eat
place. Right, Dan?
I knew you'd remember that.
Oh, hi, docs.
Hey, you know what?
It seemed like his lightbulb
went on there for a second.
That's a good sign, huh?
For some people,
waking up is a good sign.
For others, going to sleep is.
Why don't you turn in?
Well, if Dan comes to,
you make sure you wake me.
We'll drum reveille
on your cast.
Wish I could be as optimistic
as his buddy is.
We're still getting blood
through the N. G. Tube.
You gonna go in again?
I think I'll wait another day.
Right now neither of us
has the stomach for it.
‐(chatter)
‐RIZZO: Yahoo!
Holy chitlins. It's a raid.
Rizzo! I can't
express the depth
of my disappointment!
Colonel Potter made it
perfectly clear
he didn't want to see
another game.
Mmm.
That's why we moved in here.
All I'm asking is that
you put a stop to it
for a couple of days.
Father, please,
try and see my side of it.
What if peace
is declared tomorrow
and they ship us all home
before I have a chance
to shear these sheep?
Rizzo,
what's at stake here
is more than a few
crummy dollars.
We're talking about
enrichment of the soul.
Father Mulcahy's a good man.
The least we can do is
put away our petty vices.
Thank you, Corporal.
‐RIZZO: Hey, Klinger.
‐Let's go, Father.
Where's that five bucks
from this morning's game?
Ohh!
His temperature's
down a degree, doctor.
Better, but still
in the tropical zone.
‐How's the hematocrit?
‐Still low. 28.
‐Margaret, set up another unit.
‐Okay.
‐Better make that a double.
‐Hey, what's going on?
Nothing much. We're just
gonna give your friend
another transfusion.
If you're looking for blood,
you're in the right place.
Dan and I
are both A‐positive.
Sorta makes us
blood brothers.
‐What do you think?
‐Why not? Let's do a C. B. C.,
and if he can afford it, we'll
take a pint and gift‐wrap it.
You can sign the card.
‐(chatter, laughter)
‐♪♪♪ (jazz)
Evening, Father.
Can I get you
a little Bible belt?
(laughing)
I'm afraid
I'm not in the mood
for jocularity, Igor.
I have a favor to ask.
Ask, and ye shall receive.
Do you suppose,
on this one occasion
you might do me the courtesy
of removing that, uh...
that pulchritudinous display?
Father, are you kidding me?
You take down Mona, and I
could get court martialed.
Worse yet, I could
get my teeth kicked in.
Where's Colonel Potter?
Over in the corner.
So the girl said
to the third guy,
"You must be the Boy Scout,
because you're the one
who helped me across
the street."
(laughs) Boy, that ain't
the way I heard it.
I don't want to hear it
the way you heard it,
and neither does the padre.
Padre?
Ahh! Father Mulcahy.
Pull up a pew
and have a few.
Look at this place.
It's a den of iniquity.
Don't think of it
as a den, Father.
Think of it more
as a rec room.
You promised to make sure
everyone behaved themselves
like civilized
human beings.
Yesterday was payday,
Padre.
Folks need to let
off a little steam.
The cardinal won't be here
until tomorrow.
By then, there'll be nothing
to ruffle his feathers.
The morning services
will be a shambles.
Everyone'll be hung over,
reeking with liquor,
unshaven, unkempt...
Hold your ponies, Padre.
I'm way ahead of you.
I already set a 12:00
curfew for this evening,
to be followed
by a bed check.
I saw that. You dealt
off the bottom.
Nobody calls me a cheat!
(shouting)
Stop this at once!
You should all be ashamed!
Is it asking so much
that you control yourselves
for two lousy days?
Instead, you seem to be
going out of your way
to make things
miserable for me!
Well, you're all a bunch of...
stinkers!
Down to 99.8.
Mm‐hmm.
Lungs are clearing up.
Sturgis, I think your
buddy's gonna be just fine.
Didn't I tell you
he was gonna pull through?
And I got you guys
to thank for it.
Hey, all we did was
give him the medicine.
You talked him
into getting better.
Now I can stop whatever
bleeding is still going on
and give him a final fill‐up.
So what are you
waiting for?
Like I said,
I got plenty on tap.
Dr. Pierce is cross‐matching
your blood right now.
Great!
Good news, Hawk.
Lowry's turned a corner.
He's in the slow lane,
but he's gonna be fine.
That's great. Good.
What's the matter?
Take a look.
‐Is that Sturgis?
‐Yeah.
What's the count?
Over a hundred thousand.
You can look as
long as you want.
It's still gonna
be leukemia.
Oh, God.
What the hell
do I tell him?
Maybe, uh...
Maybe if he knows,
he can get more out
of the time he has left.
Yeah, or it could take the life
out of the time he has left.
If it were you,
would you want to know?
Would you want to tell me?
I don't know.
Where you goin'?
I don't even know the answer
to that question.
You awake, Sturgis?
Oh, hi, doc.
‐How are you feeling?
‐You tell me.
The nurse has been
in here five times
taking blood samples.
When I ask her why,
she starts tap‐dancing
about it being
"standard procedure."
No, just cross‐matching.
Pretty soon my dipstick's
gonna come up dry,
and I won't have anything
left for Dan.
We just wanted
to run some tests.
Since when do you run blood
tests for a broken arm?
What kind of place is this?
Well, happily, you won't
have to put up with us
too much longer.
We're sending you
to Tokyo General.
Tokyo General? What for?
Oh, you'll love it.
They got nurses that'll give
you such a sponge bath,
you'll have to take
a cold shower afterwards.
I don't want to go
to Tokyo General.
I want to stay here with Dan,
and I want
to give him my blood.
Dan's gonna be just fine.
We got all the blood we need.
But you said I
could give him some.
What's going on here?
Look, Gary...
Gary?
All of a sudden we're on
a first‐name basis, huh?
Doc, uh...
is there something
wrong with me?
We found a problem
with some of your blood tests
and we‐‐ we want to
double‐check it in Tokyo.
Oh, can't you guys
ever give anybody
a straight answer?
What the hell is this
all about?
We're not sure.
We think you
may have leukemia.
God Almighty.
Leukemia?
Look, first of all, we're
not positive you have it.
If you do, I'm
not gonna kid you,
your chances aren't too good.
But you're in
the first stages.
There's always
the possibility of remission.
(whispers)
Leukemia.
They're doing research
on this all the time.
Research? Fat lot of
good that'll do me.
They'll find the cure
in 20 years af‐after I'm‐‐
I don't know what else
there is to say.
I asked you to
tell me, didn't I?
Look, you're leaving
first thing in the morning
for Tokyo.
If‐‐ If you...
If you wanna talk,
or if there's...
(stammers)
anything you need...
just call me, okay?
Sure.
(vehicle approaching)
‐(brakes squeak)
‐Oh, my goodness.
(sighs)
Your Eminence.
And you must be
Father Mulcahy.
Y‐Yes, Your Eminence.
My apologies for
the early arrival.
I was forced
to revise our plans.
Evidently, this is what happens
when one makes an itinerary
without consulting
the North Koreans.
No inconvenience at all,
Your Eminence.
Ah, good.
I'm the protocol officer
Captain Bratton.
Uh, sorry I didn't have
time to get dressed,
but I figure a man like you
would be used to robes.
(laughing)
May I introduce our company
commander Colonel Potter
and our company clerk
Corporal Klinger?
‐Cardinal.
‐Corporal.
‐Captain.
‐Chaplain. Corporal.
‐Captain.
‐Colonel.
‐Cardinal.
Corporal, show the cardinal
to his quarters.
I thought that,
before retiring,
we might visit
your Officers Club.
Oh? Well, unfortunately,
that establishment is
closed for the evening.
Oh.
So our personnel
might spend their time
in more contemplative
pursuits.
I still don't get
Potter's joke.
I think the old bird is
finally losing his marbles.
Well, let's get it straight
from the old bird's mouth.
Colonel, see if
I've got this right.
This farm girl invites three
guys over to her house‐‐
a‐a‐a Boy Scout...
a lumberjack and a‐‐
I still don't get it.
Can I assume from this
that the Officers Club
has now reopened?
However, I'm afraid
refreshments are out
of the question.
He's our bartender.
Klinger, show Captain
Bratton his bunkhouse
And then sweep up here.
Right away, Your Birdness.
We have accommodations
for you
in the VIP tent,
Your Eminence.
And besides the mass
tomorrow morning,
I'll be conducting our usual
nondenominational service.
It would be
a great honor
if you would
say a few words.
Oh, of course.
Had some cardinals show up
during the big wars.
It's nice to know you come out
for police actions too.
(laughs) Well, Cardinal,
here's your roost.
(blows)
Be sweet. Be sweet.
Papa needs...
a lawyer.
(sigh)
This camp is full of
inconsiderate boobs
and rummies.
I've just been
publicly disgraced
before His Eminence
himself
by Rizzo and his
crap‐shooting grease monkeys.
I know the cardinal
must be thinking
I'm doing a rotten job.
How would you feel
if you were in my shoes?
Well, are you going
to just sit there
drinking your coffee?
I'm sorry, Father.
I don't really feel
much like talking.
I just had to tell
a patient he has leukemia.
Good heavens.
That must have been
very difficult for you.
I didn't want to tell him,
but he wouldn't let me
off the hook.
(sighs)
I'm a doctor, and, uh...
the guy looks to me
for answers,
and all I can tell him
is "You've got this
terrible disease
and there's nothing
I can do about it."
Can't blame this on the war.
Can't blame it on anything.
Including yourself.
I wish I could believe
I did the right thing.
A doctor is still
just a human being.
All you can do is
follow your instincts.
My instincts
are to cure him.
(sighs)
(murmuring, coughing)
(chuckles)
Streets are never
gonna be the same.
(laughing)
Oh, good morning, doc.
Oh, hello, Hawkeye.
I see you two have
gotten acquainted.
Yeah, Father and I have
been talking all night.
‐How you doing?
‐A little better.
You know, Tokyo's
a pretty spiffy town.
You don't wanna go there
in that outfit.
It looks like
it's been slept in.
Uh, doc, if
it's okay with you
I'd like to stay here
a couple more days with Dan.
Otherwise, he's gonna
wonder when I went,
and I don't want him
to worry about me.
No, the sooner the doctors
at Tokyo General
get a look at you,
‐the better.
‐Why?
So they can start
treating you right away.
Right away? What for?
There's always a chance.
Who you trying to kid?
I don't know much
about leukemia,
but I know there's no cure.
There are new therapies
being developed all the time.
They have a fully
equipped hospital.
There are hematologists there
who are specialists
in this area.
No kind of "ologist"
is going to help me.
And Dr. Hunnicutt
himself told me
that my being here
is helping Dan.
It seems to me
I've got a right to do
what I want with
the time I've got left.
‐Look, Gary...
‐Hawkeye, could I have a word
with you, please?
‐Not right now, Father.
‐Hawkeye!
Excuse me.
Hawkeye, you're a doctor.
I know how difficult
it is to admit
that there's nothing
you can do.
But I think sending
that boy to Tokyo now
is only going to make
you feel better, not him.
Gary's not the only one who's
going to have to accept this.
Father!
What are you doing here?
What is it, Corporal?
Everybody's waiting
for the Sunday service,
and nobody's there
to make the delivery.
Oh, my goodness. The cardinal.
It completely slipped my mind.
We just got word from Tokyo.
The entire city's all full up.
They said to call back
in a couple of days.
There might be an opening.
(chatter)
(chatter quiets)
Uh, once again let me say
how nice it is
to see you all here
for this special service
honoring His Eminence
Cardinal Reardon.
Oh, uh, speaking of services,
here's our own
beloved Father Mulcahy.
Good morning.
Well, uh, here we are.
Uh, it's, uh, Sunday again.
I'm sure you've all come
expecting to hear a sermon.
Well, I...
I have to admit,
I'm not as prepared
as I'd like to be.
In fact, I'm not even
dressed as I'd like to be.
Y‐You see...
I... I was working
on my sermon...
which I hoped would be
a particularly
inspirational one
in honor of Cardinal Reardon.
But I was called away, and...
well, to be honest...
I never got back to it.
So, uh...
if you'll just
bear with me, I‐‐
I'd like to share
with you the reason why.
I want to tell you
about two men,
each facing his own crisis.
The first man you
know rather well.
The second is
a patient here.
Well, the first man thought
he was facing a crisis.
But what he was really doing
was trying to impress someone.
He was looking
for recognition,
encouragement,
a pat on the back.
And whenever that recognition
seemed threatened,
he reacted rather childishly.
Blamed everyone for
his problems but himself
because he was thinking
only of himself.
But the second man
was confronted
by the greatest crisis
mortal man can face:
the loss of his life.
I think you'll agree
that the second man
had every right
to be selfish.
But instead he chose
to think not of himself
but of a brother...
a brother.
And when the first man
saw the‐‐
the dignity
and the selflessness
of the second man...
he realized how petty
and selfish he had...
(gasps)
I... I...
I had been.
It made me see
something more clearly
than I've ever seen it before.
God didn't put us here
for that pat on the back.
He created us so He
could be here Himself,
so that He could exist...
in the lives
of those He created...
in His image.
Well, I‐‐ I know
you didn't come here
to listen to me.
It‐‐ It gives me great,
great pleasure...
to introduce His Eminence...
Cardinal Reardon.
If I do say so, Father,
you're a tough act
to follow.
It's been a pleasure and
an honor, Your Eminence.
Yes, for me too. My stay here
has been very inspirational.
Well, we tried to make your
visit as pleasant as possible.
Even had the mess sergeant
hold off on the chipped beef
until tomorrow.
Good‐bye, Father,
and keep up the good work.
Good‐bye, Your Eminence.
And thank you for coming.
‐Bless you.
‐(engine starts)
‐Good‐bye, all!
‐Good‐bye, sir!
You did it, Padre!
Keep it up,
and before you know it,
you'll make monsignor.
(laughs)
You're all invited
to the Officers Club.
The drinks are on me.
♪♪♪ (theme)
(jet passing overhead)
Park him right there, Kellye.
Sturgis, since you
called ahead,
this one will be yours.
A bed with a view
of your buddy.
Thanks a lot, doc.
Thank you.
He's not as bad
as he looks, is he?
Think he's gonna be okay.
It's a little early
to tell for sure.
Well, you guys are great
with the "no‐answer" answers.
Only when that's
all we have.
Then let me give
you the answer.
Dan's gonna make it.
He's not cashing it in over
some hill with a number on it.
Hold on to those
good thoughts.
I just hope I can stay awake.
I'd like to be the first person
he sees when he comes to.
You just rest easy.
And remember, the bathroom
is one flight down.
‐Sturgis' friend,
what's his name?
‐Lowry.
Lowry. He doesn't
look too good, huh?
His pressure's down,
his pulse and respiration
are both rapid
and his temperature's
spiked at 102.
They don't sound
like words to live by.
He's still losing blood.
I can't go in while that
infection's still there.
Just have to keep
an eye on him and hope.
HAWKEYE:
We won't be the only ones.
‐(knocking)
‐The welcome mat is lit.
Klinger said you wanted
to see me, Colonel.
Indeed I do.
I've got some good news,
and I want to deliver it
person to parson.
Ah, good news.
Well, what can it be?
Just a few minutes ago
I got a call from Command.
Does the name James Reardon
cause anything
to ring in your belfry?
James...
Cardinal Reardon?
The very same.
The honcho padre himself.
Well, I heard he was
touring Korea.
Did you also hear that
the 4077 was on his agenda?
What a wonderful
stroke of luck!
‐When?
‐Sunday morning.
Sunday morning?
What rotten luck!
Padre,
you can strip your gears
changing into reverse
that fast.
You oughta be
pleased as punch.
The cardinal will be
able to feast his ears
on one of your
whiz‐bang sermons.
Colonel Potter, that's
only two days from now!
Any sermon I could possibly
come up with that fast
won't be a whiz‐banger.
Nonsense. The first commandment
for being a good padre
is having a little
faith in yourself.
I'm sure you'll come
up with something
that'll knock the cardinal's
cassock off.
But there are so many other
things to think about!
This isn't just some
run‐of‐the‐mill monsignor.
Oh, if only you'd given me
this two‐day notice
a couple of weeks ago.
Hold onto your
hosannas, Father.
I'll have Klinger make sure
everything is perfecto
for the cardinal's arrival.
RIZZO: Come on, baby.
Roll 'em right.
Rizzo's gonna win tonight.
‐Come on, patsies.
‐(men grumbling)
Deposit your legal tenders
in the Bank of Rizzo.
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, roll' em.
Bring those bones out.
Howdee‐do, boys.
Ain't this a wonderful
happenstance?
Here I am with the padre,
and there you boys are
down on your knees.
Don't worry, sir.
The rest of these pigeons
ain't got a prayer.
Rizzo, this sort of
thing just won't do!
We're just having
a little crap game.
For cryin' out loud,
it's payday.
But the cardinal is coming!
No problem there.
His money's as good
as the next man's.
Colonel, would
you do something?
All right, boys, you know
this is against regs.
Sergeant, I'm ordering you
and your motor pool mafia
to put this floating
crap game into drydock.
(sighs)
Whatever you say, sir.
The first thing I'm gonna
do when we get home
is take that Merc
down off the blocks.
We're gonna go cruisin'
right over to Green Bay
and pick up a couple
of waitresses
at the all‐you‐can‐eat
place. Right, Dan?
I knew you'd remember that.
Oh, hi, docs.
Hey, you know what?
It seemed like his lightbulb
went on there for a second.
That's a good sign, huh?
For some people,
waking up is a good sign.
For others, going to sleep is.
Why don't you turn in?
Well, if Dan comes to,
you make sure you wake me.
We'll drum reveille
on your cast.
Wish I could be as optimistic
as his buddy is.
We're still getting blood
through the N. G. Tube.
You gonna go in again?
I think I'll wait another day.
Right now neither of us
has the stomach for it.
‐(chatter)
‐RIZZO: Yahoo!
Holy chitlins. It's a raid.
Rizzo! I can't
express the depth
of my disappointment!
Colonel Potter made it
perfectly clear
he didn't want to see
another game.
Mmm.
That's why we moved in here.
All I'm asking is that
you put a stop to it
for a couple of days.
Father, please,
try and see my side of it.
What if peace
is declared tomorrow
and they ship us all home
before I have a chance
to shear these sheep?
Rizzo,
what's at stake here
is more than a few
crummy dollars.
We're talking about
enrichment of the soul.
Father Mulcahy's a good man.
The least we can do is
put away our petty vices.
Thank you, Corporal.
‐RIZZO: Hey, Klinger.
‐Let's go, Father.
Where's that five bucks
from this morning's game?
Ohh!
His temperature's
down a degree, doctor.
Better, but still
in the tropical zone.
‐How's the hematocrit?
‐Still low. 28.
‐Margaret, set up another unit.
‐Okay.
‐Better make that a double.
‐Hey, what's going on?
Nothing much. We're just
gonna give your friend
another transfusion.
If you're looking for blood,
you're in the right place.
Dan and I
are both A‐positive.
Sorta makes us
blood brothers.
‐What do you think?
‐Why not? Let's do a C. B. C.,
and if he can afford it, we'll
take a pint and gift‐wrap it.
You can sign the card.
‐(chatter, laughter)
‐♪♪♪ (jazz)
Evening, Father.
Can I get you
a little Bible belt?
(laughing)
I'm afraid
I'm not in the mood
for jocularity, Igor.
I have a favor to ask.
Ask, and ye shall receive.
Do you suppose,
on this one occasion
you might do me the courtesy
of removing that, uh...
that pulchritudinous display?
Father, are you kidding me?
You take down Mona, and I
could get court martialed.
Worse yet, I could
get my teeth kicked in.
Where's Colonel Potter?
Over in the corner.
So the girl said
to the third guy,
"You must be the Boy Scout,
because you're the one
who helped me across
the street."
(laughs) Boy, that ain't
the way I heard it.
I don't want to hear it
the way you heard it,
and neither does the padre.
Padre?
Ahh! Father Mulcahy.
Pull up a pew
and have a few.
Look at this place.
It's a den of iniquity.
Don't think of it
as a den, Father.
Think of it more
as a rec room.
You promised to make sure
everyone behaved themselves
like civilized
human beings.
Yesterday was payday,
Padre.
Folks need to let
off a little steam.
The cardinal won't be here
until tomorrow.
By then, there'll be nothing
to ruffle his feathers.
The morning services
will be a shambles.
Everyone'll be hung over,
reeking with liquor,
unshaven, unkempt...
Hold your ponies, Padre.
I'm way ahead of you.
I already set a 12:00
curfew for this evening,
to be followed
by a bed check.
I saw that. You dealt
off the bottom.
Nobody calls me a cheat!
(shouting)
Stop this at once!
You should all be ashamed!
Is it asking so much
that you control yourselves
for two lousy days?
Instead, you seem to be
going out of your way
to make things
miserable for me!
Well, you're all a bunch of...
stinkers!
Down to 99.8.
Mm‐hmm.
Lungs are clearing up.
Sturgis, I think your
buddy's gonna be just fine.
Didn't I tell you
he was gonna pull through?
And I got you guys
to thank for it.
Hey, all we did was
give him the medicine.
You talked him
into getting better.
Now I can stop whatever
bleeding is still going on
and give him a final fill‐up.
So what are you
waiting for?
Like I said,
I got plenty on tap.
Dr. Pierce is cross‐matching
your blood right now.
Great!
Good news, Hawk.
Lowry's turned a corner.
He's in the slow lane,
but he's gonna be fine.
That's great. Good.
What's the matter?
Take a look.
‐Is that Sturgis?
‐Yeah.
What's the count?
Over a hundred thousand.
You can look as
long as you want.
It's still gonna
be leukemia.
Oh, God.
What the hell
do I tell him?
Maybe, uh...
Maybe if he knows,
he can get more out
of the time he has left.
Yeah, or it could take the life
out of the time he has left.
If it were you,
would you want to know?
Would you want to tell me?
I don't know.
Where you goin'?
I don't even know the answer
to that question.
You awake, Sturgis?
Oh, hi, doc.
‐How are you feeling?
‐You tell me.
The nurse has been
in here five times
taking blood samples.
When I ask her why,
she starts tap‐dancing
about it being
"standard procedure."
No, just cross‐matching.
Pretty soon my dipstick's
gonna come up dry,
and I won't have anything
left for Dan.
We just wanted
to run some tests.
Since when do you run blood
tests for a broken arm?
What kind of place is this?
Well, happily, you won't
have to put up with us
too much longer.
We're sending you
to Tokyo General.
Tokyo General? What for?
Oh, you'll love it.
They got nurses that'll give
you such a sponge bath,
you'll have to take
a cold shower afterwards.
I don't want to go
to Tokyo General.
I want to stay here with Dan,
and I want
to give him my blood.
Dan's gonna be just fine.
We got all the blood we need.
But you said I
could give him some.
What's going on here?
Look, Gary...
Gary?
All of a sudden we're on
a first‐name basis, huh?
Doc, uh...
is there something
wrong with me?
We found a problem
with some of your blood tests
and we‐‐ we want to
double‐check it in Tokyo.
Oh, can't you guys
ever give anybody
a straight answer?
What the hell is this
all about?
We're not sure.
We think you
may have leukemia.
God Almighty.
Leukemia?
Look, first of all, we're
not positive you have it.
If you do, I'm
not gonna kid you,
your chances aren't too good.
But you're in
the first stages.
There's always
the possibility of remission.
(whispers)
Leukemia.
They're doing research
on this all the time.
Research? Fat lot of
good that'll do me.
They'll find the cure
in 20 years af‐after I'm‐‐
I don't know what else
there is to say.
I asked you to
tell me, didn't I?
Look, you're leaving
first thing in the morning
for Tokyo.
If‐‐ If you...
If you wanna talk,
or if there's...
(stammers)
anything you need...
just call me, okay?
Sure.
(vehicle approaching)
‐(brakes squeak)
‐Oh, my goodness.
(sighs)
Your Eminence.
And you must be
Father Mulcahy.
Y‐Yes, Your Eminence.
My apologies for
the early arrival.
I was forced
to revise our plans.
Evidently, this is what happens
when one makes an itinerary
without consulting
the North Koreans.
No inconvenience at all,
Your Eminence.
Ah, good.
I'm the protocol officer
Captain Bratton.
Uh, sorry I didn't have
time to get dressed,
but I figure a man like you
would be used to robes.
(laughing)
May I introduce our company
commander Colonel Potter
and our company clerk
Corporal Klinger?
‐Cardinal.
‐Corporal.
‐Captain.
‐Chaplain. Corporal.
‐Captain.
‐Colonel.
‐Cardinal.
Corporal, show the cardinal
to his quarters.
I thought that,
before retiring,
we might visit
your Officers Club.
Oh? Well, unfortunately,
that establishment is
closed for the evening.
Oh.
So our personnel
might spend their time
in more contemplative
pursuits.
I still don't get
Potter's joke.
I think the old bird is
finally losing his marbles.
Well, let's get it straight
from the old bird's mouth.
Colonel, see if
I've got this right.
This farm girl invites three
guys over to her house‐‐
a‐a‐a Boy Scout...
a lumberjack and a‐‐
I still don't get it.
Can I assume from this
that the Officers Club
has now reopened?
However, I'm afraid
refreshments are out
of the question.
He's our bartender.
Klinger, show Captain
Bratton his bunkhouse
And then sweep up here.
Right away, Your Birdness.
We have accommodations
for you
in the VIP tent,
Your Eminence.
And besides the mass
tomorrow morning,
I'll be conducting our usual
nondenominational service.
It would be
a great honor
if you would
say a few words.
Oh, of course.
Had some cardinals show up
during the big wars.
It's nice to know you come out
for police actions too.
(laughs) Well, Cardinal,
here's your roost.
(blows)
Be sweet. Be sweet.
Papa needs...
a lawyer.
(sigh)
This camp is full of
inconsiderate boobs
and rummies.
I've just been
publicly disgraced
before His Eminence
himself
by Rizzo and his
crap‐shooting grease monkeys.
I know the cardinal
must be thinking
I'm doing a rotten job.
How would you feel
if you were in my shoes?
Well, are you going
to just sit there
drinking your coffee?
I'm sorry, Father.
I don't really feel
much like talking.
I just had to tell
a patient he has leukemia.
Good heavens.
That must have been
very difficult for you.
I didn't want to tell him,
but he wouldn't let me
off the hook.
(sighs)
I'm a doctor, and, uh...
the guy looks to me
for answers,
and all I can tell him
is "You've got this
terrible disease
and there's nothing
I can do about it."
Can't blame this on the war.
Can't blame it on anything.
Including yourself.
I wish I could believe
I did the right thing.
A doctor is still
just a human being.
All you can do is
follow your instincts.
My instincts
are to cure him.
(sighs)
(murmuring, coughing)
(chuckles)
Streets are never
gonna be the same.
(laughing)
Oh, good morning, doc.
Oh, hello, Hawkeye.
I see you two have
gotten acquainted.
Yeah, Father and I have
been talking all night.
‐How you doing?
‐A little better.
You know, Tokyo's
a pretty spiffy town.
You don't wanna go there
in that outfit.
It looks like
it's been slept in.
Uh, doc, if
it's okay with you
I'd like to stay here
a couple more days with Dan.
Otherwise, he's gonna
wonder when I went,
and I don't want him
to worry about me.
No, the sooner the doctors
at Tokyo General
get a look at you,
‐the better.
‐Why?
So they can start
treating you right away.
Right away? What for?
There's always a chance.
Who you trying to kid?
I don't know much
about leukemia,
but I know there's no cure.
There are new therapies
being developed all the time.
They have a fully
equipped hospital.
There are hematologists there
who are specialists
in this area.
No kind of "ologist"
is going to help me.
And Dr. Hunnicutt
himself told me
that my being here
is helping Dan.
It seems to me
I've got a right to do
what I want with
the time I've got left.
‐Look, Gary...
‐Hawkeye, could I have a word
with you, please?
‐Not right now, Father.
‐Hawkeye!
Excuse me.
Hawkeye, you're a doctor.
I know how difficult
it is to admit
that there's nothing
you can do.
But I think sending
that boy to Tokyo now
is only going to make
you feel better, not him.
Gary's not the only one who's
going to have to accept this.
Father!
What are you doing here?
What is it, Corporal?
Everybody's waiting
for the Sunday service,
and nobody's there
to make the delivery.
Oh, my goodness. The cardinal.
It completely slipped my mind.
We just got word from Tokyo.
The entire city's all full up.
They said to call back
in a couple of days.
There might be an opening.
(chatter)
(chatter quiets)
Uh, once again let me say
how nice it is
to see you all here
for this special service
honoring His Eminence
Cardinal Reardon.
Oh, uh, speaking of services,
here's our own
beloved Father Mulcahy.
Good morning.
Well, uh, here we are.
Uh, it's, uh, Sunday again.
I'm sure you've all come
expecting to hear a sermon.
Well, I...
I have to admit,
I'm not as prepared
as I'd like to be.
In fact, I'm not even
dressed as I'd like to be.
Y‐You see...
I... I was working
on my sermon...
which I hoped would be
a particularly
inspirational one
in honor of Cardinal Reardon.
But I was called away, and...
well, to be honest...
I never got back to it.
So, uh...
if you'll just
bear with me, I‐‐
I'd like to share
with you the reason why.
I want to tell you
about two men,
each facing his own crisis.
The first man you
know rather well.
The second is
a patient here.
Well, the first man thought
he was facing a crisis.
But what he was really doing
was trying to impress someone.
He was looking
for recognition,
encouragement,
a pat on the back.
And whenever that recognition
seemed threatened,
he reacted rather childishly.
Blamed everyone for
his problems but himself
because he was thinking
only of himself.
But the second man
was confronted
by the greatest crisis
mortal man can face:
the loss of his life.
I think you'll agree
that the second man
had every right
to be selfish.
But instead he chose
to think not of himself
but of a brother...
a brother.
And when the first man
saw the‐‐
the dignity
and the selflessness
of the second man...
he realized how petty
and selfish he had...
(gasps)
I... I...
I had been.
It made me see
something more clearly
than I've ever seen it before.
God didn't put us here
for that pat on the back.
He created us so He
could be here Himself,
so that He could exist...
in the lives
of those He created...
in His image.
Well, I‐‐ I know
you didn't come here
to listen to me.
It‐‐ It gives me great,
great pleasure...
to introduce His Eminence...
Cardinal Reardon.
If I do say so, Father,
you're a tough act
to follow.
It's been a pleasure and
an honor, Your Eminence.
Yes, for me too. My stay here
has been very inspirational.
Well, we tried to make your
visit as pleasant as possible.
Even had the mess sergeant
hold off on the chipped beef
until tomorrow.
Good‐bye, Father,
and keep up the good work.
Good‐bye, Your Eminence.
And thank you for coming.
‐Bless you.
‐(engine starts)
‐Good‐bye, all!
‐Good‐bye, sir!
You did it, Padre!
Keep it up,
and before you know it,
you'll make monsignor.
(laughs)
You're all invited
to the Officers Club.
The drinks are on me.
♪♪♪ (theme)