M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 9, Episode 14 - Oh, How We Danced - full transcript
When Winchester goes to inspect the sanitary conditions at another camp, the failing mark he gives the commander is met with physical violence. Meanwhile, the gang comes up with a surprise for B.J. on his anniversary.
♪♪♪ (theme)
Off with the white clothes.
On with the green clothes.
(grunts) I always feel
very patriotic
when I come out of O. R.
My whites are
covered with red,
and it gives me the blues.
Well, at least
you boys are free
to relax before dinner.
Tomorrow's the first.
I want to get a leg up on
the monthly medical reports.
So, "paysanos,"
until chow, ciao.
April's over.
Where did it go?
See how time flies
when you're having
a good holocaust?
My wedding anniversary
is May 23.
This may sound
weird to you,
but Peg and I have
sort of made it a custom
to be together
on that day.
Well, look at the bright side.
At least you have me.
You'll have to shave.
I need some help.
This man just walked in here
carrying the boy.
I am Key Yong Lu.
Could you help my grandson?
‐We'll take a look.
‐What happened?
Enemy shell come.
Soon Chi fall in ditch.
‐Looks like a fracture.
‐Better get some X‐rays.
I'll take care of it.
Lieutenant,
get him into X‐ray.
I'll meet you there.
‐Yes, doctor.
‐You live nearby?
No. Up north.
Enemy destroy our village.
We come south.
I guess the
military's strategy
is to get rid of the kids
and the old people first,
then the rest of the war
will be easy.
(sighs deeply)
Off with the green clothes.
On with the white clothes.
I'd love to do something
special for B. J., but what?
I don't know. I never had
a wedding anniversary.
Well, don't look at me.
If we all put our heads
together,
we ought to be able
to come up with something.
But what's the point?
Dreams of a banquet
only make a starving man
all the more hungry
and miserable.
‐Evening, folks.
‐Hi, Colonel.
Charles has this
wonderful way of getting
to the heart of a matter
and then sticking
a knife in it.
What's the debate
all about?
B.J.'s wedding anniversary
is coming up,
and everybody who's anybody
is trying to figure out a way
to make it bearable for him.
Do you have any
suggestions, Colonel?
No brainstorms right off,
but there's time yet.
‐Don't forget,
it's gotta be a surprise.
‐First things first.
We got I‐Corps business
to attend to.
A combat unit's
been deployed near us.
We need an M.D.
to give them their
sanitation inspection.
Not my turn.
I went last time.
I know that, Pierce.
I keep track of these things.
Hunnicutt went before you,
and you went the time
before Hunnicutt.
It seems there's one name
conspicuously missing
from the list.
Every time it
pops to the top,
that fellow comes down
with some mysterious malady.
(coughing)
The Winchester version
of yellow fever.
Major, Doc Potter's got
just the prescription
for what ails you:
a nice day in the country.
‐Doctor,
he will be all right?
‐He'll be just fine.
But this leg is gonna
keep him here a few days.
Thank you very much.
I am forever grateful.
I'm sorry,
but you can't stay here.
I cannot leave him.
His mother has been killed
by enemy soldier.
His father
is fighting in army,
if he still lives.
He's the boy's next of kin.
Let him stay next to his kin.
‐Fine, doctor.
‐(Soon Chi groans)
‐What was his blood pressure?
‐110 over 70, Doctor.
(speaking Korean)
What's he saying?
He asked for his,
uh, mouth music?
‐Mouth‐‐a harmonica?
‐Yes, yes. Harmonica.
I don't think anyone
would object to
a little mouth music.
When he awake,
I must tell him it was
lost when attack came.
‐Aw.
‐A gift from G.I.
Only thing he can carry
from village to village.
That's tough.
You'd better get some sleep.
You've made your floor,
now you oughta lie on it.
Oh, thank you.
CHARLES: The morning air
is crisp and still.
In mere moments,
I embark upon a
military mission
which may mark
my final hours
on this planet.
Therefore,
I leave you with these
few parting thoughts.
To my dear father,
I grant you
power of attorney
for the disposition
of all my real estate.
To my devoted mother,
I bestow upon you my proxy
with the single proviso
that it never be used
to vote for Cousin Alfred.
To my gentle sister Honoria,
I bequeath my
butterfly collection.
I know you
probably don't want it,
but Cousin Alfred does.
Farewell, Cape Cod.
Farewell, Harvard Yard.
Farewell, baked scrod.
‐Bravo! Bravo!
‐Yay!
‐Anthropoid boors.
‐What a touching farewell
to Cod, Yard and scrod.
Gentlemen,
I don't much care
for you, either,
but if you were about
to meet your Maker
I could find it
in my heart
‐to leave you alone.
‐(yelps)
Charles, it's only
a routine inspection tour.
Pork Chop Hill's
already been taken!
Ah, and one more thing,
Mumsie dearest:
If I don't
come back alive,
I would like to be cremated
and have my ashes
scattered over
Robert Taft.
Colonel,
any word from Charles?
I'm already an hour
into his shift.
Nope. I guess his inspection
went into overtime.
‐How's our little
Korean guest doing?
‐Physically, fine,
but his spirits could
sure use a shot in the arm
with a harmonica.
Klinger, that should be
right up your alley.
Gee, I don't know.
From what I hear,
that's a pretty hot
ticket.
Is this the Sultan
of Scrounge I hear talking?
You've got a tongue
that could fertilize
40 acres.
Of course I do. That kid'll
be playing that harmonica
before you can whistle
"Desert Song."
(grumbles)
‐Well, if it isn't
the Inspector Major.
‐(grumbles)
Here. This is what
I risked my life for.
We didn't know if
you were late, Charles,
or the late Charles.
We thought you'd been shot
and were trying to figure out
which side did it.
Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.
My, my, Major.
This is quite a report.
I've been to barbecues
where the heifer of honor
wasn't raked over the coals
as bad as this unit.
These people would've been
right at home at a barbecue.
They were pigs.
In case you haven't heard,
there's a war on.
Nobody's living in
the lap of luxury.
Even a man of
your personal habits
would've been appalled.
The proximity of the mess area
to the latrine was scandalous.
The garbage facilities
seemed to be anywhere
they feel like it.
They live by the credo
"Uncleanliness is next
to everything."
You left camp
toting an awful big
chip on your shoulder.
You sure you ain't
exaggerating just a mite?
Absolutely not.
I made that perfectly clear
to the commanding officer,
Major... Finch.
If you will excuse me,
I've had a perfectly
revolting day.
I'm gonna go back to
my quarters,
get out of these
grubby clothes and relax.
Sorry, Charles.
You're on duty in post‐op.
Is there no just‐‐ Hunnicutt,
dear friend,
do you think you could
find it in your heart
to take my shift for me?
‐Oh, you know, I have
something very important to do.
‐Oh, yeah? What?
Go back to my quarters,
get out of these grubby
clothes and relax.
Of course, we'd dance.
We've always done that.
On our last anniversary,
Peg was eight months pregnant.
Made for some
very interesting steps and
very little jitterbugging.
I guess that's why it's
so tough to miss out on
this one.
‐Our first anniversary
with Erin.
‐Yeah, that is tough.
‐It's the little things
I miss most, you know.
‐Like what?
Watching Peg
give Erin a bath.
Seeing her blow the bubbles
off her little hand.
‐Why are you asking me
this stuff, anyway?
‐I'm interested.
I've never had
an anniversary.
Come to think of it,
I've never had a bath.
So come on.
What else would you do?
Where would you eat?
Oh, I don't know.
Little place
in Sausalito, maybe.
Better still,
a candlelight dinner at home.
(yawning)
(indistinct whispering)
Wonderful.
A post‐op pajama party.
‐Major Winchester.
‐Yes? What is it?
Major Finch. Well,
it's comforting to know
they're still enforcing
the 15‐drink limit
at the Officers Club.
Well, after that
inspection you gave us,
I‐‐ I was feelin'
pretty rotten.
‐I guess I had a few.
‐Well, you needn't guess.
There's no doubt about it.
Well, then I got to thinking
that I could come over here
and get you to reconsider.
I don't think that
that rating was fair.
Well, you're absolutely
right, but what can I do?
There's no number
lower than zero.
Doc, I really
got on their butts,
and my men are gonna
fix up most of that stuff
the way you wanted it.
Splendid. I'm sure
whoever succeeds you
as commanding officer
will be favored with
a much higher rating.
Oh, come on, Major.
It wasn't that bad.
Well, perhaps not to a man
who looks at the world
through
rose‐colored eyeballs.
Look. Why don't you
just stagger on back
to your compost
where you are indeed
top of the heap?
So that's it, huh?
You're gonna be
real gung ho about this?
‐Gung ho? Who?
‐You, you big bag of wind!
Well, I see you are as clever as
you are clean.
‐Okay. How does this hit you?
‐(grunts)
(groans)
Come on,
you big chicken!
Let's see how clever
you are, huh?
(grunts)
(snorts)
Okay.
Now, don't worry, Charles.
Every clout
has a silver lining.
You just put that tooth
under your pillow tonight,
and by morning
the Winchester fortune will
have increased by a dime.
Please shut up, Pierce.
Oh, yeah?
You wanna make me?
‐Can you just let me
bleed in peace?
‐Or in pieces.
I presume that when your mouth
gets back in working order,
you're gonna press charges
against Major Finch.
I would just as soon forget
the entire sordid incident.
Within the week, I will
have my tooth replaced.
That'll be that.
Why, Charles,
turning the other lip?
Believe me. I would like
nothing better
than to be cheerleader
at the firing squad
following his court martial.
It would just be
too humiliating to explain
how the little pipsqueak
knocked my block off.
So what?
Being a bouncer
in a waterfront dive
just isn't your style.
I'm grateful
for the feeble attempt
to comfort me, Pierce,
but the significance
of this event
goes rather deeper
than a missing tooth.
What are you talking about?
Well, it is one thing
to actively seek
physical confrontation.
‐Yeah.
‐It is another matter
altogether
to shrink from
one's own defense.
Tonight I demonstrated
nothing more than
an acute command
of the manly art
of self‐collapse.
Aren't you being
a little hard on yourself?
Just facing a painful
truth, Pierce.
Shakespeare said it best:
Cowards die many times
before their death.
The valiant taste of death
but once."
Begging your pardon,
doctor,
but I could not help
overhear what you say.
Perhaps I could be
of assistance in this area.
Ho!
Come now, my wizened friend.
What could you possibly do?
‐(yells)
‐Oh.
That is indeed
a most impressive trick.
It is no trick, Major.
It is use of mind
in harmony with body.
Are you not familiar
with karate?
It is most ancient art
of self‐defense.
I could teach you first steps
in very short time.
Oh‐ho. That's intriguing,
but, alas, I'm a surgeon.
My hands are needed
for the saving of lives,
not the ha‐ha‐ha
manufacture of kindling.
Aha! Hands are but one
weapon on body. (yelling)
Do you, uh,
charge by the hour?
‐Evening, mein Kapitans.
‐Evening.
‐I'll have a beer.
‐Ditto.
Two heads are
better than one.
How goes the harmonica hunt?
So far,
nothing but sour notes.
So listen, you think
it'll rain tomorrow, Beej?
‐Huh?
‐You think it'll
rain tomorrow?
I really haven't given it
much thought. Why?
I don't know. I've just
always liked weather.
Rain can be refreshing.
Sleet can be good too.
Fog is nice. I understand
there's a lot of fog
in San Francisco.
Oh, yeah. Sometimes,
in the late afternoon,
the fog rolls in,
covers the Golden Gate.
Suddenly we're talkin'
about San Francisco again.
‐How come?
‐Well, I already know
all about my home.
I used to live there a lot.
I just‐‐
I'm curious about yours.
What do you wanna know?
What do you do
first thing in the morning?
Wha‐‐ Wait a minute.
Did I miss a step here?
You want to know
about my home,
so you ask what I do
in the morning?
Oh, did I say "home"?
I'm sorry.
No, I meant the people‐‐
people in the home.
I mean, what's a home
without people?
Just a big house
with a dog in it.
Don't let me interrupt
you. Go ahead.
What do you do first
thing in the morning?
I open my eyes.
That is generally followed
by yawning
and getting out of bed.
Now stop me if this is getting
too exciting for you.
No, no. This is great.
What do you do then?
I go downstairs,
and Peg pours me a damn cup
of coffee and I drink it.
What difference does it make
what I do in the morning?
You're right. I've been
running that subject
into the ground.
‐Let's just drop it.
‐Good.
What do you do
in the afternoon?
(karate yell)
‐(karate yell)
‐Very good, Major.
You have learned much
in a week.
Uh, begging
the doctor's pardon,
but you've been
acting very strangely
ever since you got these
snazzy new pajamas.
Klinger, I am dealing
with metaphysical matters
far beyond
your limited scope.
Ooh! Believe me,
I plan to keep my scope
and the rest of me as far
beyond you as possible.
What are you doing?
At the moment,
I'm visualizing...
my foot totally
severing that two‐by‐four.
‐What two‐by‐four?
‐I am also visualizing that.
(karate yells)
Hey, hey. Who told you
you could play through?
Oh, excuse me, Bantam Ben.
I'm afraid I have to report
there is no joy
or harmonicas in Mudville.
Lift your feet.
Mighty Klinger
has struck out.
Come on. How hard can it
be to dig up a harmonica?
The only harmonicas here
‐are brought over by G. I. s.
‐So?
The Korean kids
love 'em.
They snatch 'em up
as fast as they can.
‐All of 'em?
‐Well, there are a few
in combat units.
Get one of those.
Those guys
wouldn't give those up
without an order
or a fight.
What's the big deal
about a harmonica?
Did you ever try jumping
from foxhole to foxhole
with a tuba in your pocket?
All right. So who do we know
with a little extra muscle
in a combat unit?
(Charles yelling)
Well, a major, who shall
remain shoeless,
holds the career of
a certain infantry commander
in the palm of his hand.
Are you kidding?
Major Winchester
is not about to ask
Finch for a favor.
So who needs Winchester?
(imitating Charles)
And I am sure,
my pugnacious Major Finch,
that you are cognizant
that a military tribunal
does not look favorably
upon the felonious assault
of an officer!
I think I hurt my tongue.
Of course I plan
to press charges!
Your pugilistic exhibition
was both lugubrious
and sedacious.
"Sedacious"?
I just made that up.
What does he know?
I intend to demand
the gallows!
Hey, can you do
Jimmy Stewart?
Reconsider?
Reconsider?
You must be crazed.
However, now that
you've broached the subject,
there is one thing that
could secure your freedom.
I want an harmonica.
You heard me!
An harmonica.
If you can't locate one
in your unit, look elsewhere.
You have 24 hours. 'kyou.
Bravo!
‐Terrific!
‐Gentlemen.
And let's see. This goes
around under here, and then...
There is man who strike
Major Winchester.
Ah. Would you folks
string along without me
for a minute?
Major Finch, I'm
Major Winchester's
associate,
Captain Hunnicutt.
Did you bring
the harmonica?
Well, yeah, I did,
but, uh, it wasn't easy.
That's great.
Major Winchester's
busy right now,
but I'll be sure he knows
you brought it.
Thanks very much.
See you around.
What's so important
about a crummy harmonica?
You just watch. Soon Chi.
Here's a little something
for you to play with.
Well, go on.
It's not gonna bite back.
♪♪♪
(speaking Korean)
This is
best medicine of all.
‐For me too.
‐(clears throat) This means
I'm square with
Winchester, right?
Right. We appreciate
your bringing it.
Consider the noose open
and the case closed.
Ah‐ha‐ha!
So you've returned to the
scene of the crime, have you?
Well, you've played
right into my hands,
you feisty little
pipsqueak.
This time I'm prepared!
Charles, it's okay.
It's okay.
Out of the way, Hunnicutt.
I can handle this
quite well, thank you.
‐Major, I don't understand.
‐Oh, of course not.
You came here expecting to see
your favorite punching bag
cowering in
a corner, whimpering,
didn't you, huh? Huh?
Didn't you?
Let's step outside, Mac.
Look,
I don't want any trouble.
‐He doesn't want any trouble.
‐Of course not.
Not now that you see
my entire body
is a steel spring ready
to unleash the pent‐up‐‐
Oh, hell. Can you help me
with this? Thank you very much.
Pent‐up fury of a dozen
common men. (yells)
Let me give you
just a small sample of
what's in store for you.
(yells)
(growls)
At least I was drunk!
What the hell's your excuse?
(yelps)
Thanks, but no, thanks.
I'm fine.
Yeah. Well, in many countries,
anniversaries are celebrated
by sitting around
throwing darts.
Come on. Let me take you
to the O Club.
‐I'll buy.
‐Nah.
I'll even drink it for you.
Come on. One lousy drink.
How long are you
gonna sit and mope?
Just till I get it right.
Hey, guys.
We're in for it now.
‐HAWKEYE: What's the matter?
‐Oh, it's a long, ugly story.
You know that harmonica
Major Finch got us?
Well, it seems he stole it
from one of his men.
So the guy got ticked off
and decided to press
charges against Finch.
So Finch claimed that
Winchester called him up
and blackmailed him.
So I‐Corps called
Colonel Potter,
who in turn
called in Winchester,
who denied knowing anything
about the phone call.
So Potter says,
"If you didn't make
the phone call, who did?
Why am I asking?
Get Pierce and Hunnicutt
over here right now."
I knew things were
going too well.
Colonel,
this is ridiculous.
‐Surprise!
‐Surprise!
Hey, everybody, I really
appreciate the thought.
It's just that‐‐
Beej, trust me.
This is not your average,
everyday anniversary party.
Come here.
I know you'd like to be
with the little woman today,
but that's something
we just couldn't pull off.
So we did
the next best thing.
Please, B. J., have a seat.
‐Come on.
‐Come on.
‐You all set here, Winchester?
‐Roger, Colonel.
Klinger, lights.
(projector whirring)
PEG: Hi, darling.
More than anything,
I wish we could be
together today.
And I know
you feel the same.
Your wonderful friends
obviously know, too.
‐So with the help of Dad‐‐
‐Did we surprise you?
...rented equipment,
and a little tape recording
Hawkeye sent me,
here's how this day might be
if you were here.
MARGARET:
Oh, isn't she adorable?
B.J.: Peg's always up first,
changing Erin, nursing her.
‐Got ya, huh?
‐Except now she's on
regular food.
I can't believe
it's almost a year.
MARGARET: Darling.
HAWKEYE: Hello, Erin.
‐Hi, baby.
‐(Margaret laughs)
I go downstairs,
and Peg pours me
a damn cup of coffee,
‐and I drink it.
‐(laughter)
Sometimes, if I close my eyes
and think hard enough,
I can picture Peg
and Erin so clear,
it's almost like
I'm back home.
‐MARGARET: Oh, B. J.
‐(Hawkeye laughs)
MARGARET: Ohh! (chuckling)
‐HAWKEYE: Look at that face!
‐MARGARET: Isn't she darling?
Just seeing Peg
give her a bath,
watching her blow the little
bubbles off her hand.
MARGARET:
B.J., she's adorable.
Oh.
After we put Erin to bed,
the rest of the evening
would belong to us.
Peg would put on
her very best dress.
I'd be waiting for her
at the bottom of the stairs.
HAWKEYE:
Where would you eat?
B.J.: Little place
in Sausalito, maybe.
Better still,
a candlelight dinner at home.
PEG: Then we'd dance and talk
and hold each other.
B.J., I know that
some film and tape
can't actually replace
the real thing.
but this particular
anniversary
will always be special to me.
Don't be sad, darling.
Even though
I can't be with you,
the thought of you
and the love I hear
in your voice
makes me realize
how wonderful it'll be
when we're together again.
10,000 miles can never
separate us from
the love we share.
Happy anniversary, darling.
(mouthing words)
All right, son.
Play it the way
I taught you.
♪♪♪ ("Anniversary Waltz")
B.J., I know I'm not Peg,
but will I do?
♪♪♪ (continues)
‐Good‐bye, doctor.
‐Good‐bye.
Soon Chi and I
will always be grateful.
You're more than welcome.
You and Soon Chi
brought a little sunshine
and music into our lives.
‐(whispering)
‐Oh.
Oh‐ho‐ho!
Thank you! Thank you!
You have a good trip
home now. (chuckles)
‐Just a minute.
‐Excuse me, Dr. Puny.
Oh‐ho.
Uh, hold on there, fellas.
Let me have a crack at it.
(yells)
You study with Key Yong?
Nope. I learned that from
a mule I once owned.
♪♪♪ (theme)
Off with the white clothes.
On with the green clothes.
(grunts) I always feel
very patriotic
when I come out of O. R.
My whites are
covered with red,
and it gives me the blues.
Well, at least
you boys are free
to relax before dinner.
Tomorrow's the first.
I want to get a leg up on
the monthly medical reports.
So, "paysanos,"
until chow, ciao.
April's over.
Where did it go?
See how time flies
when you're having
a good holocaust?
My wedding anniversary
is May 23.
This may sound
weird to you,
but Peg and I have
sort of made it a custom
to be together
on that day.
Well, look at the bright side.
At least you have me.
You'll have to shave.
I need some help.
This man just walked in here
carrying the boy.
I am Key Yong Lu.
Could you help my grandson?
‐We'll take a look.
‐What happened?
Enemy shell come.
Soon Chi fall in ditch.
‐Looks like a fracture.
‐Better get some X‐rays.
I'll take care of it.
Lieutenant,
get him into X‐ray.
I'll meet you there.
‐Yes, doctor.
‐You live nearby?
No. Up north.
Enemy destroy our village.
We come south.
I guess the
military's strategy
is to get rid of the kids
and the old people first,
then the rest of the war
will be easy.
(sighs deeply)
Off with the green clothes.
On with the white clothes.
I'd love to do something
special for B. J., but what?
I don't know. I never had
a wedding anniversary.
Well, don't look at me.
If we all put our heads
together,
we ought to be able
to come up with something.
But what's the point?
Dreams of a banquet
only make a starving man
all the more hungry
and miserable.
‐Evening, folks.
‐Hi, Colonel.
Charles has this
wonderful way of getting
to the heart of a matter
and then sticking
a knife in it.
What's the debate
all about?
B.J.'s wedding anniversary
is coming up,
and everybody who's anybody
is trying to figure out a way
to make it bearable for him.
Do you have any
suggestions, Colonel?
No brainstorms right off,
but there's time yet.
‐Don't forget,
it's gotta be a surprise.
‐First things first.
We got I‐Corps business
to attend to.
A combat unit's
been deployed near us.
We need an M.D.
to give them their
sanitation inspection.
Not my turn.
I went last time.
I know that, Pierce.
I keep track of these things.
Hunnicutt went before you,
and you went the time
before Hunnicutt.
It seems there's one name
conspicuously missing
from the list.
Every time it
pops to the top,
that fellow comes down
with some mysterious malady.
(coughing)
The Winchester version
of yellow fever.
Major, Doc Potter's got
just the prescription
for what ails you:
a nice day in the country.
‐Doctor,
he will be all right?
‐He'll be just fine.
But this leg is gonna
keep him here a few days.
Thank you very much.
I am forever grateful.
I'm sorry,
but you can't stay here.
I cannot leave him.
His mother has been killed
by enemy soldier.
His father
is fighting in army,
if he still lives.
He's the boy's next of kin.
Let him stay next to his kin.
‐Fine, doctor.
‐(Soon Chi groans)
‐What was his blood pressure?
‐110 over 70, Doctor.
(speaking Korean)
What's he saying?
He asked for his,
uh, mouth music?
‐Mouth‐‐a harmonica?
‐Yes, yes. Harmonica.
I don't think anyone
would object to
a little mouth music.
When he awake,
I must tell him it was
lost when attack came.
‐Aw.
‐A gift from G.I.
Only thing he can carry
from village to village.
That's tough.
You'd better get some sleep.
You've made your floor,
now you oughta lie on it.
Oh, thank you.
CHARLES: The morning air
is crisp and still.
In mere moments,
I embark upon a
military mission
which may mark
my final hours
on this planet.
Therefore,
I leave you with these
few parting thoughts.
To my dear father,
I grant you
power of attorney
for the disposition
of all my real estate.
To my devoted mother,
I bestow upon you my proxy
with the single proviso
that it never be used
to vote for Cousin Alfred.
To my gentle sister Honoria,
I bequeath my
butterfly collection.
I know you
probably don't want it,
but Cousin Alfred does.
Farewell, Cape Cod.
Farewell, Harvard Yard.
Farewell, baked scrod.
‐Bravo! Bravo!
‐Yay!
‐Anthropoid boors.
‐What a touching farewell
to Cod, Yard and scrod.
Gentlemen,
I don't much care
for you, either,
but if you were about
to meet your Maker
I could find it
in my heart
‐to leave you alone.
‐(yelps)
Charles, it's only
a routine inspection tour.
Pork Chop Hill's
already been taken!
Ah, and one more thing,
Mumsie dearest:
If I don't
come back alive,
I would like to be cremated
and have my ashes
scattered over
Robert Taft.
Colonel,
any word from Charles?
I'm already an hour
into his shift.
Nope. I guess his inspection
went into overtime.
‐How's our little
Korean guest doing?
‐Physically, fine,
but his spirits could
sure use a shot in the arm
with a harmonica.
Klinger, that should be
right up your alley.
Gee, I don't know.
From what I hear,
that's a pretty hot
ticket.
Is this the Sultan
of Scrounge I hear talking?
You've got a tongue
that could fertilize
40 acres.
Of course I do. That kid'll
be playing that harmonica
before you can whistle
"Desert Song."
(grumbles)
‐Well, if it isn't
the Inspector Major.
‐(grumbles)
Here. This is what
I risked my life for.
We didn't know if
you were late, Charles,
or the late Charles.
We thought you'd been shot
and were trying to figure out
which side did it.
Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.
My, my, Major.
This is quite a report.
I've been to barbecues
where the heifer of honor
wasn't raked over the coals
as bad as this unit.
These people would've been
right at home at a barbecue.
They were pigs.
In case you haven't heard,
there's a war on.
Nobody's living in
the lap of luxury.
Even a man of
your personal habits
would've been appalled.
The proximity of the mess area
to the latrine was scandalous.
The garbage facilities
seemed to be anywhere
they feel like it.
They live by the credo
"Uncleanliness is next
to everything."
You left camp
toting an awful big
chip on your shoulder.
You sure you ain't
exaggerating just a mite?
Absolutely not.
I made that perfectly clear
to the commanding officer,
Major... Finch.
If you will excuse me,
I've had a perfectly
revolting day.
I'm gonna go back to
my quarters,
get out of these
grubby clothes and relax.
Sorry, Charles.
You're on duty in post‐op.
Is there no just‐‐ Hunnicutt,
dear friend,
do you think you could
find it in your heart
to take my shift for me?
‐Oh, you know, I have
something very important to do.
‐Oh, yeah? What?
Go back to my quarters,
get out of these grubby
clothes and relax.
Of course, we'd dance.
We've always done that.
On our last anniversary,
Peg was eight months pregnant.
Made for some
very interesting steps and
very little jitterbugging.
I guess that's why it's
so tough to miss out on
this one.
‐Our first anniversary
with Erin.
‐Yeah, that is tough.
‐It's the little things
I miss most, you know.
‐Like what?
Watching Peg
give Erin a bath.
Seeing her blow the bubbles
off her little hand.
‐Why are you asking me
this stuff, anyway?
‐I'm interested.
I've never had
an anniversary.
Come to think of it,
I've never had a bath.
So come on.
What else would you do?
Where would you eat?
Oh, I don't know.
Little place
in Sausalito, maybe.
Better still,
a candlelight dinner at home.
(yawning)
(indistinct whispering)
Wonderful.
A post‐op pajama party.
‐Major Winchester.
‐Yes? What is it?
Major Finch. Well,
it's comforting to know
they're still enforcing
the 15‐drink limit
at the Officers Club.
Well, after that
inspection you gave us,
I‐‐ I was feelin'
pretty rotten.
‐I guess I had a few.
‐Well, you needn't guess.
There's no doubt about it.
Well, then I got to thinking
that I could come over here
and get you to reconsider.
I don't think that
that rating was fair.
Well, you're absolutely
right, but what can I do?
There's no number
lower than zero.
Doc, I really
got on their butts,
and my men are gonna
fix up most of that stuff
the way you wanted it.
Splendid. I'm sure
whoever succeeds you
as commanding officer
will be favored with
a much higher rating.
Oh, come on, Major.
It wasn't that bad.
Well, perhaps not to a man
who looks at the world
through
rose‐colored eyeballs.
Look. Why don't you
just stagger on back
to your compost
where you are indeed
top of the heap?
So that's it, huh?
You're gonna be
real gung ho about this?
‐Gung ho? Who?
‐You, you big bag of wind!
Well, I see you are as clever as
you are clean.
‐Okay. How does this hit you?
‐(grunts)
(groans)
Come on,
you big chicken!
Let's see how clever
you are, huh?
(grunts)
(snorts)
Okay.
Now, don't worry, Charles.
Every clout
has a silver lining.
You just put that tooth
under your pillow tonight,
and by morning
the Winchester fortune will
have increased by a dime.
Please shut up, Pierce.
Oh, yeah?
You wanna make me?
‐Can you just let me
bleed in peace?
‐Or in pieces.
I presume that when your mouth
gets back in working order,
you're gonna press charges
against Major Finch.
I would just as soon forget
the entire sordid incident.
Within the week, I will
have my tooth replaced.
That'll be that.
Why, Charles,
turning the other lip?
Believe me. I would like
nothing better
than to be cheerleader
at the firing squad
following his court martial.
It would just be
too humiliating to explain
how the little pipsqueak
knocked my block off.
So what?
Being a bouncer
in a waterfront dive
just isn't your style.
I'm grateful
for the feeble attempt
to comfort me, Pierce,
but the significance
of this event
goes rather deeper
than a missing tooth.
What are you talking about?
Well, it is one thing
to actively seek
physical confrontation.
‐Yeah.
‐It is another matter
altogether
to shrink from
one's own defense.
Tonight I demonstrated
nothing more than
an acute command
of the manly art
of self‐collapse.
Aren't you being
a little hard on yourself?
Just facing a painful
truth, Pierce.
Shakespeare said it best:
Cowards die many times
before their death.
The valiant taste of death
but once."
Begging your pardon,
doctor,
but I could not help
overhear what you say.
Perhaps I could be
of assistance in this area.
Ho!
Come now, my wizened friend.
What could you possibly do?
‐(yells)
‐Oh.
That is indeed
a most impressive trick.
It is no trick, Major.
It is use of mind
in harmony with body.
Are you not familiar
with karate?
It is most ancient art
of self‐defense.
I could teach you first steps
in very short time.
Oh‐ho. That's intriguing,
but, alas, I'm a surgeon.
My hands are needed
for the saving of lives,
not the ha‐ha‐ha
manufacture of kindling.
Aha! Hands are but one
weapon on body. (yelling)
Do you, uh,
charge by the hour?
‐Evening, mein Kapitans.
‐Evening.
‐I'll have a beer.
‐Ditto.
Two heads are
better than one.
How goes the harmonica hunt?
So far,
nothing but sour notes.
So listen, you think
it'll rain tomorrow, Beej?
‐Huh?
‐You think it'll
rain tomorrow?
I really haven't given it
much thought. Why?
I don't know. I've just
always liked weather.
Rain can be refreshing.
Sleet can be good too.
Fog is nice. I understand
there's a lot of fog
in San Francisco.
Oh, yeah. Sometimes,
in the late afternoon,
the fog rolls in,
covers the Golden Gate.
Suddenly we're talkin'
about San Francisco again.
‐How come?
‐Well, I already know
all about my home.
I used to live there a lot.
I just‐‐
I'm curious about yours.
What do you wanna know?
What do you do
first thing in the morning?
Wha‐‐ Wait a minute.
Did I miss a step here?
You want to know
about my home,
so you ask what I do
in the morning?
Oh, did I say "home"?
I'm sorry.
No, I meant the people‐‐
people in the home.
I mean, what's a home
without people?
Just a big house
with a dog in it.
Don't let me interrupt
you. Go ahead.
What do you do first
thing in the morning?
I open my eyes.
That is generally followed
by yawning
and getting out of bed.
Now stop me if this is getting
too exciting for you.
No, no. This is great.
What do you do then?
I go downstairs,
and Peg pours me a damn cup
of coffee and I drink it.
What difference does it make
what I do in the morning?
You're right. I've been
running that subject
into the ground.
‐Let's just drop it.
‐Good.
What do you do
in the afternoon?
(karate yell)
‐(karate yell)
‐Very good, Major.
You have learned much
in a week.
Uh, begging
the doctor's pardon,
but you've been
acting very strangely
ever since you got these
snazzy new pajamas.
Klinger, I am dealing
with metaphysical matters
far beyond
your limited scope.
Ooh! Believe me,
I plan to keep my scope
and the rest of me as far
beyond you as possible.
What are you doing?
At the moment,
I'm visualizing...
my foot totally
severing that two‐by‐four.
‐What two‐by‐four?
‐I am also visualizing that.
(karate yells)
Hey, hey. Who told you
you could play through?
Oh, excuse me, Bantam Ben.
I'm afraid I have to report
there is no joy
or harmonicas in Mudville.
Lift your feet.
Mighty Klinger
has struck out.
Come on. How hard can it
be to dig up a harmonica?
The only harmonicas here
‐are brought over by G. I. s.
‐So?
The Korean kids
love 'em.
They snatch 'em up
as fast as they can.
‐All of 'em?
‐Well, there are a few
in combat units.
Get one of those.
Those guys
wouldn't give those up
without an order
or a fight.
What's the big deal
about a harmonica?
Did you ever try jumping
from foxhole to foxhole
with a tuba in your pocket?
All right. So who do we know
with a little extra muscle
in a combat unit?
(Charles yelling)
Well, a major, who shall
remain shoeless,
holds the career of
a certain infantry commander
in the palm of his hand.
Are you kidding?
Major Winchester
is not about to ask
Finch for a favor.
So who needs Winchester?
(imitating Charles)
And I am sure,
my pugnacious Major Finch,
that you are cognizant
that a military tribunal
does not look favorably
upon the felonious assault
of an officer!
I think I hurt my tongue.
Of course I plan
to press charges!
Your pugilistic exhibition
was both lugubrious
and sedacious.
"Sedacious"?
I just made that up.
What does he know?
I intend to demand
the gallows!
Hey, can you do
Jimmy Stewart?
Reconsider?
Reconsider?
You must be crazed.
However, now that
you've broached the subject,
there is one thing that
could secure your freedom.
I want an harmonica.
You heard me!
An harmonica.
If you can't locate one
in your unit, look elsewhere.
You have 24 hours. 'kyou.
Bravo!
‐Terrific!
‐Gentlemen.
And let's see. This goes
around under here, and then...
There is man who strike
Major Winchester.
Ah. Would you folks
string along without me
for a minute?
Major Finch, I'm
Major Winchester's
associate,
Captain Hunnicutt.
Did you bring
the harmonica?
Well, yeah, I did,
but, uh, it wasn't easy.
That's great.
Major Winchester's
busy right now,
but I'll be sure he knows
you brought it.
Thanks very much.
See you around.
What's so important
about a crummy harmonica?
You just watch. Soon Chi.
Here's a little something
for you to play with.
Well, go on.
It's not gonna bite back.
♪♪♪
(speaking Korean)
This is
best medicine of all.
‐For me too.
‐(clears throat) This means
I'm square with
Winchester, right?
Right. We appreciate
your bringing it.
Consider the noose open
and the case closed.
Ah‐ha‐ha!
So you've returned to the
scene of the crime, have you?
Well, you've played
right into my hands,
you feisty little
pipsqueak.
This time I'm prepared!
Charles, it's okay.
It's okay.
Out of the way, Hunnicutt.
I can handle this
quite well, thank you.
‐Major, I don't understand.
‐Oh, of course not.
You came here expecting to see
your favorite punching bag
cowering in
a corner, whimpering,
didn't you, huh? Huh?
Didn't you?
Let's step outside, Mac.
Look,
I don't want any trouble.
‐He doesn't want any trouble.
‐Of course not.
Not now that you see
my entire body
is a steel spring ready
to unleash the pent‐up‐‐
Oh, hell. Can you help me
with this? Thank you very much.
Pent‐up fury of a dozen
common men. (yells)
Let me give you
just a small sample of
what's in store for you.
(yells)
(growls)
At least I was drunk!
What the hell's your excuse?
(yelps)
Thanks, but no, thanks.
I'm fine.
Yeah. Well, in many countries,
anniversaries are celebrated
by sitting around
throwing darts.
Come on. Let me take you
to the O Club.
‐I'll buy.
‐Nah.
I'll even drink it for you.
Come on. One lousy drink.
How long are you
gonna sit and mope?
Just till I get it right.
Hey, guys.
We're in for it now.
‐HAWKEYE: What's the matter?
‐Oh, it's a long, ugly story.
You know that harmonica
Major Finch got us?
Well, it seems he stole it
from one of his men.
So the guy got ticked off
and decided to press
charges against Finch.
So Finch claimed that
Winchester called him up
and blackmailed him.
So I‐Corps called
Colonel Potter,
who in turn
called in Winchester,
who denied knowing anything
about the phone call.
So Potter says,
"If you didn't make
the phone call, who did?
Why am I asking?
Get Pierce and Hunnicutt
over here right now."
I knew things were
going too well.
Colonel,
this is ridiculous.
‐Surprise!
‐Surprise!
Hey, everybody, I really
appreciate the thought.
It's just that‐‐
Beej, trust me.
This is not your average,
everyday anniversary party.
Come here.
I know you'd like to be
with the little woman today,
but that's something
we just couldn't pull off.
So we did
the next best thing.
Please, B. J., have a seat.
‐Come on.
‐Come on.
‐You all set here, Winchester?
‐Roger, Colonel.
Klinger, lights.
(projector whirring)
PEG: Hi, darling.
More than anything,
I wish we could be
together today.
And I know
you feel the same.
Your wonderful friends
obviously know, too.
‐So with the help of Dad‐‐
‐Did we surprise you?
...rented equipment,
and a little tape recording
Hawkeye sent me,
here's how this day might be
if you were here.
MARGARET:
Oh, isn't she adorable?
B.J.: Peg's always up first,
changing Erin, nursing her.
‐Got ya, huh?
‐Except now she's on
regular food.
I can't believe
it's almost a year.
MARGARET: Darling.
HAWKEYE: Hello, Erin.
‐Hi, baby.
‐(Margaret laughs)
I go downstairs,
and Peg pours me
a damn cup of coffee,
‐and I drink it.
‐(laughter)
Sometimes, if I close my eyes
and think hard enough,
I can picture Peg
and Erin so clear,
it's almost like
I'm back home.
‐MARGARET: Oh, B. J.
‐(Hawkeye laughs)
MARGARET: Ohh! (chuckling)
‐HAWKEYE: Look at that face!
‐MARGARET: Isn't she darling?
Just seeing Peg
give her a bath,
watching her blow the little
bubbles off her hand.
MARGARET:
B.J., she's adorable.
Oh.
After we put Erin to bed,
the rest of the evening
would belong to us.
Peg would put on
her very best dress.
I'd be waiting for her
at the bottom of the stairs.
HAWKEYE:
Where would you eat?
B.J.: Little place
in Sausalito, maybe.
Better still,
a candlelight dinner at home.
PEG: Then we'd dance and talk
and hold each other.
B.J., I know that
some film and tape
can't actually replace
the real thing.
but this particular
anniversary
will always be special to me.
Don't be sad, darling.
Even though
I can't be with you,
the thought of you
and the love I hear
in your voice
makes me realize
how wonderful it'll be
when we're together again.
10,000 miles can never
separate us from
the love we share.
Happy anniversary, darling.
(mouthing words)
All right, son.
Play it the way
I taught you.
♪♪♪ ("Anniversary Waltz")
B.J., I know I'm not Peg,
but will I do?
♪♪♪ (continues)
‐Good‐bye, doctor.
‐Good‐bye.
Soon Chi and I
will always be grateful.
You're more than welcome.
You and Soon Chi
brought a little sunshine
and music into our lives.
‐(whispering)
‐Oh.
Oh‐ho‐ho!
Thank you! Thank you!
You have a good trip
home now. (chuckles)
‐Just a minute.
‐Excuse me, Dr. Puny.
Oh‐ho.
Uh, hold on there, fellas.
Let me have a crack at it.
(yells)
You study with Key Yong?
Nope. I learned that from
a mule I once owned.
♪♪♪ (theme)