M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 9 - Mr. and Mrs. Who? - full transcript
After a drunken trip to Tokyo, Winchester is visited by his new wife. Meanwhile, the camp is hit with an outbreak of hemorrhagic fever that they don't know how to deal with.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [Asian]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Tonight's movie
is a don't-miss--
a captured Chinese
Communist musical:
The Imperialist Running Dog
and the Showgirl.
For those of you
who don't speak Chinese,
there are subtitles
in Korean.
♪♪ ["Happy Days
Are Here Again"]
I can't believe that breakfast
they served this morning.
-Now don't start.
-It was the first time
I've ever seen
orange juice labeled
"freshly killed."
Look, I had to drink it.
Do I have to hear the reviews?
And I'm sure that was
the same bacon
that wrote
Shakespeare's plays.
Welcome home, Charles.
Pull up a gutter
and fall down.
You look like you've come
for our free
introductory autopsy.
Leave me alone.
You can't die on us, Charles.
You haven't given us
our presents yet.
I brought you no presents.
I'd sooner pet
a bubonic rat. [groans]
Come on. Nobody goes to Tokyo
without buying presents.
I know. He's got 'em
hidden away in his suitcase.
What'd you bring us?
What'd you bring us?
Oh, sure--
bring back the empties.
-Where did those come from?
-I don't know, Charles.
You were supposed to be
at a medical seminar
at Tokyo General.
Probably had to do
an emergency operation--
saved some chorus girl
from sweating to death.
"Pink Parasol Nightclub
and Bathhouse."
A fine hospital,
famous for their
underwater appendectomies.
Am I to be spared nothing?
-Oh, look at this.
-What? What?
A boutonniere
with rice in it.
Come on, Charles.
Tell us what happened.
All we know so far is that you
were nowhere near a monastery.
Very well, gentlemen.
May I speak confidentially?
-Absolutely.
Man-to-man-to-man.
-Yeah.
Fine. I would like
to tell you
exactly what happened
last night in Tokyo--
Yeah?
but I haven't
the faintest idea.
I should have known better
than to turn for help
to you insensitive dolts.
I'm sorry, Charles.
We'll behave.
Don't you remember
anything at all?
I attended some sort
of party at the hospital
and fell victim to
the insidious blandishments
of a rowdy surgical staff.
That's it?
That's all you remember?
This morning,
when I checked
out of the hotel,
the manager sharply advised
that I stay away--
in perpetuity.
-[laughing]
-We gotta find out
what happened.
Look in that other bag.
See if there's anything
or anybody still in there.
Oh, look what I found.
Ah. Now we're
getting someplace.
-Give me those.
-Oh, no.
One picture is worth
a thousand dollars.
We can get 'em
developed in X-ray.
Now maybe we can find out
what goes in these stockings.
We can drop them on our way
to post-op. Come on, Charles.
Surely you jest.
I heard there were no
casualties during my absence.
There weren't, but have we
got a disease for you.
[laughs]
Are you mad?
I'm not getting off this cot
until the ground stops moving.
-Come on, Charles.
-Upsy-daisy.
Don't say upsy-- [groans]
Ah, Corporal Shaw.
Spending a little time
in the Good Book, are you?
Don't be embarrassed, son.
I often do the same thing
myself. Let's see.
"Thy thighs are like jewels.
"Thy navel
like a round goblet.
"Thy belly
like a heap of wheat.
Thy two bre--"
It's called
"The Song of Solomon."
Oh, yes. Yes.
Well, Solomon had a lot
to sing about.
In your condition,
I'd recommend
something a little less
inspirational.
Okay. Thanks, Father.
Well, is there anything else
I can do for you?
Could I have some water?
Let's see what your
card says here.
We're almost there, Charles.
Stagger this way.
Ah, Hawkeye.
We have a request
for water here.
No. Sorry, Shaw.
You're gonna have to wait.
-Come on.
-Corporal Shaw is
the proud owner
-of a case of Korean
hemorrhagic fever.
-No liquid.
His kidneys have shut down--
better known as phase two.
-He never forgets a phase.
-[chuckles]
So, this is
hemorrhagic fever.
[clears throat]
First case I've ever seen.
How are you feeling,
young man?
Okay, but I'd sure like
something to drink.
Please don't say "drink."
You got it too, doc?
No, my pain, regret--
regrettably,
is self-inflicted.
Not a pretty sight, is it?
Poor devil's the victim
of bottle fatigue.
Got it during an entire night
of hand-to-glass combat.
Don't worry, Shaw.
No matter how rotten you feel,
you're in better shape
than Major Disaster here.
Take it easy.
We'll see you later.
-He's a very sick
young man, isn't he?
-Yeah.
We got two more cases
warming up in the bull pen.
Couple more days, they're gonna
be in the same shape he's in.
Would it help to send
them down to Seoul?
I don't think so.
So far nobody's been able
to find an effective
treatment anywhere.
These kids' blood vessels
have weakened so much,
the trip alone
might kill them.
I see. Well,
since there seems to be
nothing to do but wait,
I shall seize the opportunity
to get some sleep.
-Gentlemen.
-Ah, nap time.
-We know just the place for it.
-Oh, no, I'm going--
Attention. Attention,
fellow colleagues.
Welcome to the 4077th
staff meeting.
It now gives me great
pleasure to introduce
our distinguished speaker
for the afternoon.
Klinger, can it.
I had 'em right in
the palm of my hand, sir.
I know.
You were knocking 'em dead.
Now shuffle off to Buffalo.
You've been a great audience.
Good night, ladies and germs.
All right, everybody.
Let's settle down.
-[groaning]
-Pierce, Hunnicutt,
nice of you
to bring along a cadaver.
[groaning]
You really do
look rotten, Major.
-Uh-huh.
-You think he looks bad,
you ought to see Tokyo.
Winchester, if you're
through mooing,
I'll get down
to brass tacks.
We're smack in the middle
of our semi-annual visit
from everybody's
favorite disease--
Korean hemorrhagic fever.
Major Houlihan and I have
the latest poop from H.Q.
It still does not appear
to be contagious.
The most likely causes
seem to be small insects--
chiggers or mites.
I just love the way
your nostrils flare
when you talk medical.
Doctor, pay attention.
I am, I am.
It might be mites.
At least they're positive
they're not sure.
About the only thing
they do know for sure
is that 10 to 20%
of the people who
get it are gonna die.
Surgeon General's office calls
that figure "significant."
My choice would be
"appalling."
And they've sent us a change
in the prescribed treatment
of patients in phase three.
Good timing.
We've got Shaw in there
warming up for
phase three right now.
Just to refresh our memories,
Colonel, if I may,
phase three
is characterized
by abnormally high
urinary output,
-delirium, sometimes coma--
-Thank you, Major.
-and severe loss of appetite--
-Thank you again, Major.
What do they want us
to do for Shaw?
Well, as soon as his
kidneys get back to work,
the latest word is
no intravenous salt solution.
No I.V. saline?
What are we supposed to give
them, hot chocolate?
Colonel, these kids are
gonna be putting out
huge amounts of fluids.
They're gonna be losing
sodium by the pound.
I know that, Hunnicutt,
along with potassium chloride
and everything
but their socks.
Are you getting
any of this, Winchester?
Hanging on every sock, sir.
Nonetheless, the directive
is very specific.
The procedure using an I.V.
solution of 5% salt
is discontinued.
Has to be.
These kids can't handle it.
In many cases, fluids
just fill up the lungs,
and the boys literally
drown internally.
Now all we need
is a cure for the cure.
According to H.Q.,
it's no saline.
Let the disease
run its course.
So what do we do? We just
stand around like dummies
and do nothing?
Surely, Colonel,
there is something we can do.
We are physicians,
not spectators.
Colonel, does that say
no saline at all?
That's right. At all.
I'd put that under the heading
of overcompensation.
You know the army, Beej.
A ton of prevention
for an ounce of cure.
Call it what you want.
I think they mean it, Pierce.
"Failure to follow the
procedure in this directive
"will be treated as
a court-martial offense
"and can result in automatic
loss of rank and pay
and dishonorable discharge."
¿Comprende?
-Oh.
-Army's going soft.
They left out the rack
and thumbscrews.
Sorry, doctors.
They need you in post-op.
Corporal Shaw has
reached phase three.
He's putting out urine
by the gallon.
I couldn't go for three days,
and now I can't stop.
Maybe I ought to sleep
in the latrine.
This means I'm getting
better, huh, doc?
-It sure looks that way.
-Even if I'm not,
I sure like going
more than not going.
Last few days I knew
what it felt like
to be Boulder Dam.
Well, you just take it easy.
You still need a lot of rest.
Gentlemen,
may I recommend
that we instruct
the duty nurses
to run urinary sodium levels
every 30 minutes
and when that goes up,
check plasma.
A surprisingly lucid idea,
Charles. Congratulations.
Hey, guys,
get a load of this!
I got Winchester's Tokyo
pictures. They're terrific.
-Hawk?
-What?
-Let's be fair.
-Oh. Oh, yeah.
-Wait just--
-Ah.
Charles, do you want to look
at your pictures now?
-Or do you want
to sleep some more?
-Mm?
What? [groans]
I can hardly wait.
[giggles]
[laughing]
That must have been
some party.
It's funny, Charles.
I never would have
figured you
for a lampshade-on-the-head
man.
Give me those, you vermin.
[Hawkeye laughing]
Good heavens.
Oh, my God.
Listen, don't feel bad,
Charles.
I think you look adorable
with smiles
painted on your knees.
Toulouse Lautrec
must have been there.
It's all just a blur.
It must have been
the sake punch.
How many did you have?
Oh, uh, two, three...
bowls.
Here you are dancing
with the back
of a very nicely
constructed lady.
I don't think that's dancing.
It's more like he's falling
and she's holding him up.
Uh-oh. The plot thickens.
The lady's back is
back again-- and again.
-Ho, ho.
-Unfortunately,
there aren't any pictures
showing her face.
Can you blame her?
She could be arrested
for contributing
to the delinquency of a major.
Are you serious
about this woman,
or is this just two ships
who pass out in the night?
Oh. I think he's serious,
Hawk. Look at that kiss.
Oh, wow!
And she's got a bouquet.
Here's one where she's
throwing the bouquet.
-[chatter]
-Get away. You'll see
no more of these.
Aw, come on. Charles,
it's just getting
interesting.
Don't worry. I got all
the negatives for you guys
and for the Boston Herald.
You swine.
My future's assured--
summers in
the south of France,
parole for my uncle.
-He wants to go to law school.
-That's nice.
Out! If you have a shred
of human decency left,
you'll let me
suffer in peace.
Oh, all right, Charles.
We'll go.
Listen, I know things must be
pretty grim for you right now,
but you just get
a little rest,
and you'll have smiles
on your knees in no time.
Here, look. These are Shaw's
last five plasma sodiums.
First two are okay,
but look at the next one.
-And the next one.
-Damn. It's dropping
like a stone.
He's pouring
his own life away.
Do you want a calm,
objective opinion?
I'm worried sick.
If he keeps putting out
salt at this rate,
we could lose him.
Major Winchester.
-Major Winchester!
-Huh?
I had to wake you, sir.
This is really important.
Klinger, unless my pants are
on fire, you are a dead man.
Major, you're in big trouble.
Oh, yeah?
What sort of big trouble?
You better take this
lying down, sir.
There was a call
for you from Seoul, a lady.
Said she'd be here
in two hours.
Oh, yeah?
She have a name?
She certainly did.
Mrs. Chuck Winchester III.
All right.
[soft groan]
We're getting nowhere.
All anybody knows for sure
is hemorrhagic fever
has two H's, two R's,
and no cure.
It's not all bad.
Says here under recommended
treatment, "See miracle."
Unprincipled little
blackmailer!
Doesn't fool me, you know,
not for a moment.
Gets me blotto
and then marries me--
with one beady
little eye on my name
and the other
on my inheritance.
Obviously a woman
of double vision.
She won't get away
with it, you know.
She's overlooked
one small detail--
the finest lawyer in the world
practices in Boston
and lives in my father's
vest pocket.
Sounds comfy.
She's lying. Ha, ha.
That's it.
How could I get married
and not remember?
What do you mean, how?
You forgot an entire Tuesday.
Probably dragged me off
to one of those sordid
instant-marriage parlors
like a common sailor.
Hey, Beej, according
to this Dr. Vester,
all anybody's ever tried
is increasing
the concentration
of the saline.
What if I'm
really married?
-What am I gonna do?
-Uh-oh, Dad.
Maybe it's time we had
that talk with the boy.
Doctors, Colonel Potter wants
you in post-op immediately.
-Shaw?
-He's in shock.
Okay, Charles.
Want to take your mind
off your troubles?
Come on into post-op
and help out.
Gladly. Might as well
help save one life.
Mine's certainly over.
How long has he
been like this?
Couple of minutes.
Came on him pretty quick.
-Still losing fluids?
-By the gallon.
What do the lab reports say
about his sodium level?
Let's talk about it outside.
Those boys on the aisle
don't need to know
about the coming attractions.
Look at this.
120? What do you think, Colonel?
I think if his sodium
drops another ten
points, he's had it.
Colonel, we gotta do
something to replace
it, and fast.
Can't chance it, Hunnicutt.
According to the directive,
any saline could kill him.
Wait a minute.
Listen.
-Beej, you remember
the Vester article?
-Yeah.
He said the treatment
has always been
high-saline concentrates--
-up to 5%.
-Right.
I use less salt
in popcorn.
-And nobody's ever
used low concentrates.
-Yeah.
Why don't we try isotonic
saline-- less than 1%?
Same sodium content as blood
plasma. Shaw can handle that.
Let's run this by
one more time.
If we try this idea
and it fails,
that boy could die
and we'd be criminally liable.
On the other hand,
if we don't do anything,
we know he's gonna die.
And we've got
two other boys in there
who are gonna be in the same
shape any time now.
I say we have no choice.
Go ahead.
Okay. Thanks, Colonel.
-Margaret?
-I'll prepare the I.V.
Lots of them.
Just a pinch of salt.
[vehicle approaching]
Now who in San Juan Hill
is that?
Uh, I have a feeling
this may be for you, Chuck.
You remember--
the wife of the party?
What are you boys
talking about?
It's an acquaintance
of mine, Colonel.
She's here
for a short visit.
Well, excuse me for not
observing the amenities.
I've got to get inside.
If she wants
to stay the night,
you can put her
in the V.I.P. tent.
She won't be staying.
Suit yourself.
But you're out of your mind.
Chuck!
Chuck, here I am.
Oh, please, no.
Look, Chuck,
we can handle Shaw.
Why don't you go
meet the missus?
If we have any problems,
we'll call you.
And if you have
any problems, call us.
-[snickering]
-Go. Go.
Hello.
Oh. I guess you didn't expect
to see me again so soon.
Your visit is somewhat
of a surprise, yes.
I had to go to a meeting
in Seoul,
and I knew you were
stationed near Seoul,
so I just hitched a ride.
Could we talk somewhere
a little more private?
Hmm. You read my mind.
-Oh, charming.
-Yeah.
Now then, dear lady,
as you can imagine,
I am somewhat taken aback
by your presence here.
You're angry with me.
Well, not exactly.
I don't blame you.
I don't blame you.
I know
when we said good-bye,
you didn't expect me
to show up the very next day.
I am surprised, yes.
Well, you did invite me,
you know.
I did?
It wasn't invited, really.
It was more like...
"Come live with me
and be my love
and we will
all the pleasures prove."
Good heavens. That is me.
How could a girl resist
a line like that, hmm?
Yeah. How indeed?
[laughs]
-How indeed?
-Especially from a man
with chip dip on his head
and cute little smiles
painted on his kneecaps?
Yes, I did let my hair
down...as it were.
As it were.
Well, I was swept up
in the joy of the evening.
Who could forget
our jolly excursion
into the Pink Parasol
Nightclub and Baths?
Wasn't that place wild?
Don't I know it.
You looked so funny
dancing with that
Japanese chef,
singing ♪ If you knew sushi
like I know sushi ♪
I'm known
for my seafaring songs.
-Oh, no. You sing wonderfully.
-No.
No, you do. If it hadn't been
for your "Oh Promise Me,"
the wedding wouldn't have
been any fun at all.
Ah! The wedding. Yes.
Let's, uh, talk
about the wedding.
All right.
Was that in the Parasol
Baths as well?
Oh, no, you big lug.
At the party.
Remember, you got up on the--
You don't remember!
Well, it was
such a full evening.
There are certain little
gaps in my memory.
I can't be expected
to remember every
detail. Please go on.
-The whole thing was your
idea from the beginning.
-It was?
-Yes!
You kept
walking around saying,
"I can't keep my hands
off this angel.
Somebody marry us
before it's too late."
Mako Nakamura married us
just to shut you up.
Mako Nakamura? Ha ha.
What was he,
one of those tawdry
backstreet Marrying Sams?
No, actually.
A highly respected bartender
at the hotel
where we had the party.
A bartender
performed the ceremony?
It was a toss-up
between him and the doorman,
but the doorman was busy
hailing a rickshaw.
[stuttering]
We weren't--
We aren't a-a-actually--
[laughing] No!
Well. Well.
In that event,
you wouldn't mind
answering an extremely
personal question.
Of course not.
What is your name?
How's he doing?
No sign of fluid
in his lungs.
What did you find out
in the lab?
So far so good. His sodium
is beginning to move up.
-You think we're on
to something here?
-I don't know.
What we're doing
is so simple.
So was the wheel.
I hear that's
catching on pretty well.
If there was only something
we could stitch or rebuild--
a piece of something
we could take out.
[sighs] This is agony.
It's a strange feeling,
isn't it?
Inside this kid's body
there are microscopic armies
fighting a war
bigger than Korea.
And we can't even
get in it.
-[both laughing]
-And then-- Wait.
Then you walked up
to the winning sumo wrestler
and said, "Get
into some shorts, tubbo.
There are ladies present."
Why, the sight of those
two gargantuan bottoms
locked in mortal combat
is hardly as culturally
uplifting as, say, The Mikado.
Maybe not, but if that man
had understood English,
I'd now be known
as the Widow Winchester.
[chuckles] On only one other
occasion in my life
did I even approach
that level of inebriation.
-And when was that?
-That was the night after
I graduated
from Harvard med school.
I distinctly remember
attempting to swim the Charles
River in cap and gown,
reasoning that, since it
was named after me,
-it was my river.
-Well, of course.
Did you get married then too?
No. Got pneumonia.
How come you remember that
and you don't remember me?
Donna, my dear,
I'm scarcely likely
to make that mistake again.
I'm simply grateful that,
even in a moment
of total inebriation,
I had the sense and good taste
to propose to you.
You give the longest
compliments I've ever heard.
Then let me
be more succinct.
-Morning, Hunnicutt.
-Mmm?
Can't fool me.
If it's morning,
where's the sun?
Not up yet-- kind of
like Pierce there.
I'm up. I'm just laying here
having a dream.
It's terrible.
I'm going over Niagara Falls
in a specimen bottle.
How's Corporal Shaw?
Any change yet, Beej?
Well, he's stable.
Lab report shows his sodium
rising nicely, thank you.
Attaboy, Shaw.
Hang in there, son.
We'll take over here.
Why don't you two get some rest?
What a terrific idea--
sleeping without
getting up every hour.
Here, Margaret,
take the chair.
It's got smaller lumps
than the bed.
Come on, Hawk.
Let's see if we can find home.
I'm wide awake.
I'll probably toss and turn
for two, maybe three minutes.
Hey, doc.
Did you say something?
Say you said something.
What do I have to do to get
something to eat around here?
He's hungry!
He's hungry!
[both laughing]
Hey,
that's not so bad, huh?
There's one war
with a happy ending.
[laughing]
We are gathered here
in conclave met--
[hiccup]
Thank you. For two reasons.
One, to celebrate Corporal
Shaw's first night out.
[all cheering]
And B,
to officially dissolve
the ersatz marriage
of Mr. and Mrs.
Chuck Winchester.
Cuddles. Cuddles.
Cuddles.
[all laughing]
-Father--
-Ah.
I realize that this ceremony
will not be in line
with the basic tenets
of your religion--
I-- I didn't know
t-tennis was a religion.
[laughter]
No ecclesiastical
conflict, Hawkeye.
The bartender who
married them was a Druid.
Father, if you'll just
get ready to play
"So Long, It's Been
Good To Know You."
Is the flower girl ready?
Absolutely--
a bouquet of Four Roses.
And now, to perform
the ceremony
The "irreverend"
J.B. Honeydew.
-[cheers]
-Thank you, everyone.
[chatter]
-Hit it, Father.
-All right.
-♪♪ [piano]
-Do you, Chuck Emerson
Winchester III,
take this lovely
if gullible young woman
as your unlawful
unwedded unwife?
-I undo.
-[giggling]
And do you, Donna Marie
Parker Winchester III,
take this pickled amnesiac
as your unlawful
unwedded unhubby?
I undo too.
Then, by the power
invested in me
by the state of intoxication,
I hereby pronounce you
man and woman.
-Ah!
-You may now ignore the bride.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [Asian]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Tonight's movie
is a don't-miss--
a captured Chinese
Communist musical:
The Imperialist Running Dog
and the Showgirl.
For those of you
who don't speak Chinese,
there are subtitles
in Korean.
♪♪ ["Happy Days
Are Here Again"]
I can't believe that breakfast
they served this morning.
-Now don't start.
-It was the first time
I've ever seen
orange juice labeled
"freshly killed."
Look, I had to drink it.
Do I have to hear the reviews?
And I'm sure that was
the same bacon
that wrote
Shakespeare's plays.
Welcome home, Charles.
Pull up a gutter
and fall down.
You look like you've come
for our free
introductory autopsy.
Leave me alone.
You can't die on us, Charles.
You haven't given us
our presents yet.
I brought you no presents.
I'd sooner pet
a bubonic rat. [groans]
Come on. Nobody goes to Tokyo
without buying presents.
I know. He's got 'em
hidden away in his suitcase.
What'd you bring us?
What'd you bring us?
Oh, sure--
bring back the empties.
-Where did those come from?
-I don't know, Charles.
You were supposed to be
at a medical seminar
at Tokyo General.
Probably had to do
an emergency operation--
saved some chorus girl
from sweating to death.
"Pink Parasol Nightclub
and Bathhouse."
A fine hospital,
famous for their
underwater appendectomies.
Am I to be spared nothing?
-Oh, look at this.
-What? What?
A boutonniere
with rice in it.
Come on, Charles.
Tell us what happened.
All we know so far is that you
were nowhere near a monastery.
Very well, gentlemen.
May I speak confidentially?
-Absolutely.
Man-to-man-to-man.
-Yeah.
Fine. I would like
to tell you
exactly what happened
last night in Tokyo--
Yeah?
but I haven't
the faintest idea.
I should have known better
than to turn for help
to you insensitive dolts.
I'm sorry, Charles.
We'll behave.
Don't you remember
anything at all?
I attended some sort
of party at the hospital
and fell victim to
the insidious blandishments
of a rowdy surgical staff.
That's it?
That's all you remember?
This morning,
when I checked
out of the hotel,
the manager sharply advised
that I stay away--
in perpetuity.
-[laughing]
-We gotta find out
what happened.
Look in that other bag.
See if there's anything
or anybody still in there.
Oh, look what I found.
Ah. Now we're
getting someplace.
-Give me those.
-Oh, no.
One picture is worth
a thousand dollars.
We can get 'em
developed in X-ray.
Now maybe we can find out
what goes in these stockings.
We can drop them on our way
to post-op. Come on, Charles.
Surely you jest.
I heard there were no
casualties during my absence.
There weren't, but have we
got a disease for you.
[laughs]
Are you mad?
I'm not getting off this cot
until the ground stops moving.
-Come on, Charles.
-Upsy-daisy.
Don't say upsy-- [groans]
Ah, Corporal Shaw.
Spending a little time
in the Good Book, are you?
Don't be embarrassed, son.
I often do the same thing
myself. Let's see.
"Thy thighs are like jewels.
"Thy navel
like a round goblet.
"Thy belly
like a heap of wheat.
Thy two bre--"
It's called
"The Song of Solomon."
Oh, yes. Yes.
Well, Solomon had a lot
to sing about.
In your condition,
I'd recommend
something a little less
inspirational.
Okay. Thanks, Father.
Well, is there anything else
I can do for you?
Could I have some water?
Let's see what your
card says here.
We're almost there, Charles.
Stagger this way.
Ah, Hawkeye.
We have a request
for water here.
No. Sorry, Shaw.
You're gonna have to wait.
-Come on.
-Corporal Shaw is
the proud owner
-of a case of Korean
hemorrhagic fever.
-No liquid.
His kidneys have shut down--
better known as phase two.
-He never forgets a phase.
-[chuckles]
So, this is
hemorrhagic fever.
[clears throat]
First case I've ever seen.
How are you feeling,
young man?
Okay, but I'd sure like
something to drink.
Please don't say "drink."
You got it too, doc?
No, my pain, regret--
regrettably,
is self-inflicted.
Not a pretty sight, is it?
Poor devil's the victim
of bottle fatigue.
Got it during an entire night
of hand-to-glass combat.
Don't worry, Shaw.
No matter how rotten you feel,
you're in better shape
than Major Disaster here.
Take it easy.
We'll see you later.
-He's a very sick
young man, isn't he?
-Yeah.
We got two more cases
warming up in the bull pen.
Couple more days, they're gonna
be in the same shape he's in.
Would it help to send
them down to Seoul?
I don't think so.
So far nobody's been able
to find an effective
treatment anywhere.
These kids' blood vessels
have weakened so much,
the trip alone
might kill them.
I see. Well,
since there seems to be
nothing to do but wait,
I shall seize the opportunity
to get some sleep.
-Gentlemen.
-Ah, nap time.
-We know just the place for it.
-Oh, no, I'm going--
Attention. Attention,
fellow colleagues.
Welcome to the 4077th
staff meeting.
It now gives me great
pleasure to introduce
our distinguished speaker
for the afternoon.
Klinger, can it.
I had 'em right in
the palm of my hand, sir.
I know.
You were knocking 'em dead.
Now shuffle off to Buffalo.
You've been a great audience.
Good night, ladies and germs.
All right, everybody.
Let's settle down.
-[groaning]
-Pierce, Hunnicutt,
nice of you
to bring along a cadaver.
[groaning]
You really do
look rotten, Major.
-Uh-huh.
-You think he looks bad,
you ought to see Tokyo.
Winchester, if you're
through mooing,
I'll get down
to brass tacks.
We're smack in the middle
of our semi-annual visit
from everybody's
favorite disease--
Korean hemorrhagic fever.
Major Houlihan and I have
the latest poop from H.Q.
It still does not appear
to be contagious.
The most likely causes
seem to be small insects--
chiggers or mites.
I just love the way
your nostrils flare
when you talk medical.
Doctor, pay attention.
I am, I am.
It might be mites.
At least they're positive
they're not sure.
About the only thing
they do know for sure
is that 10 to 20%
of the people who
get it are gonna die.
Surgeon General's office calls
that figure "significant."
My choice would be
"appalling."
And they've sent us a change
in the prescribed treatment
of patients in phase three.
Good timing.
We've got Shaw in there
warming up for
phase three right now.
Just to refresh our memories,
Colonel, if I may,
phase three
is characterized
by abnormally high
urinary output,
-delirium, sometimes coma--
-Thank you, Major.
-and severe loss of appetite--
-Thank you again, Major.
What do they want us
to do for Shaw?
Well, as soon as his
kidneys get back to work,
the latest word is
no intravenous salt solution.
No I.V. saline?
What are we supposed to give
them, hot chocolate?
Colonel, these kids are
gonna be putting out
huge amounts of fluids.
They're gonna be losing
sodium by the pound.
I know that, Hunnicutt,
along with potassium chloride
and everything
but their socks.
Are you getting
any of this, Winchester?
Hanging on every sock, sir.
Nonetheless, the directive
is very specific.
The procedure using an I.V.
solution of 5% salt
is discontinued.
Has to be.
These kids can't handle it.
In many cases, fluids
just fill up the lungs,
and the boys literally
drown internally.
Now all we need
is a cure for the cure.
According to H.Q.,
it's no saline.
Let the disease
run its course.
So what do we do? We just
stand around like dummies
and do nothing?
Surely, Colonel,
there is something we can do.
We are physicians,
not spectators.
Colonel, does that say
no saline at all?
That's right. At all.
I'd put that under the heading
of overcompensation.
You know the army, Beej.
A ton of prevention
for an ounce of cure.
Call it what you want.
I think they mean it, Pierce.
"Failure to follow the
procedure in this directive
"will be treated as
a court-martial offense
"and can result in automatic
loss of rank and pay
and dishonorable discharge."
¿Comprende?
-Oh.
-Army's going soft.
They left out the rack
and thumbscrews.
Sorry, doctors.
They need you in post-op.
Corporal Shaw has
reached phase three.
He's putting out urine
by the gallon.
I couldn't go for three days,
and now I can't stop.
Maybe I ought to sleep
in the latrine.
This means I'm getting
better, huh, doc?
-It sure looks that way.
-Even if I'm not,
I sure like going
more than not going.
Last few days I knew
what it felt like
to be Boulder Dam.
Well, you just take it easy.
You still need a lot of rest.
Gentlemen,
may I recommend
that we instruct
the duty nurses
to run urinary sodium levels
every 30 minutes
and when that goes up,
check plasma.
A surprisingly lucid idea,
Charles. Congratulations.
Hey, guys,
get a load of this!
I got Winchester's Tokyo
pictures. They're terrific.
-Hawk?
-What?
-Let's be fair.
-Oh. Oh, yeah.
-Wait just--
-Ah.
Charles, do you want to look
at your pictures now?
-Or do you want
to sleep some more?
-Mm?
What? [groans]
I can hardly wait.
[giggles]
[laughing]
That must have been
some party.
It's funny, Charles.
I never would have
figured you
for a lampshade-on-the-head
man.
Give me those, you vermin.
[Hawkeye laughing]
Good heavens.
Oh, my God.
Listen, don't feel bad,
Charles.
I think you look adorable
with smiles
painted on your knees.
Toulouse Lautrec
must have been there.
It's all just a blur.
It must have been
the sake punch.
How many did you have?
Oh, uh, two, three...
bowls.
Here you are dancing
with the back
of a very nicely
constructed lady.
I don't think that's dancing.
It's more like he's falling
and she's holding him up.
Uh-oh. The plot thickens.
The lady's back is
back again-- and again.
-Ho, ho.
-Unfortunately,
there aren't any pictures
showing her face.
Can you blame her?
She could be arrested
for contributing
to the delinquency of a major.
Are you serious
about this woman,
or is this just two ships
who pass out in the night?
Oh. I think he's serious,
Hawk. Look at that kiss.
Oh, wow!
And she's got a bouquet.
Here's one where she's
throwing the bouquet.
-[chatter]
-Get away. You'll see
no more of these.
Aw, come on. Charles,
it's just getting
interesting.
Don't worry. I got all
the negatives for you guys
and for the Boston Herald.
You swine.
My future's assured--
summers in
the south of France,
parole for my uncle.
-He wants to go to law school.
-That's nice.
Out! If you have a shred
of human decency left,
you'll let me
suffer in peace.
Oh, all right, Charles.
We'll go.
Listen, I know things must be
pretty grim for you right now,
but you just get
a little rest,
and you'll have smiles
on your knees in no time.
Here, look. These are Shaw's
last five plasma sodiums.
First two are okay,
but look at the next one.
-And the next one.
-Damn. It's dropping
like a stone.
He's pouring
his own life away.
Do you want a calm,
objective opinion?
I'm worried sick.
If he keeps putting out
salt at this rate,
we could lose him.
Major Winchester.
-Major Winchester!
-Huh?
I had to wake you, sir.
This is really important.
Klinger, unless my pants are
on fire, you are a dead man.
Major, you're in big trouble.
Oh, yeah?
What sort of big trouble?
You better take this
lying down, sir.
There was a call
for you from Seoul, a lady.
Said she'd be here
in two hours.
Oh, yeah?
She have a name?
She certainly did.
Mrs. Chuck Winchester III.
All right.
[soft groan]
We're getting nowhere.
All anybody knows for sure
is hemorrhagic fever
has two H's, two R's,
and no cure.
It's not all bad.
Says here under recommended
treatment, "See miracle."
Unprincipled little
blackmailer!
Doesn't fool me, you know,
not for a moment.
Gets me blotto
and then marries me--
with one beady
little eye on my name
and the other
on my inheritance.
Obviously a woman
of double vision.
She won't get away
with it, you know.
She's overlooked
one small detail--
the finest lawyer in the world
practices in Boston
and lives in my father's
vest pocket.
Sounds comfy.
She's lying. Ha, ha.
That's it.
How could I get married
and not remember?
What do you mean, how?
You forgot an entire Tuesday.
Probably dragged me off
to one of those sordid
instant-marriage parlors
like a common sailor.
Hey, Beej, according
to this Dr. Vester,
all anybody's ever tried
is increasing
the concentration
of the saline.
What if I'm
really married?
-What am I gonna do?
-Uh-oh, Dad.
Maybe it's time we had
that talk with the boy.
Doctors, Colonel Potter wants
you in post-op immediately.
-Shaw?
-He's in shock.
Okay, Charles.
Want to take your mind
off your troubles?
Come on into post-op
and help out.
Gladly. Might as well
help save one life.
Mine's certainly over.
How long has he
been like this?
Couple of minutes.
Came on him pretty quick.
-Still losing fluids?
-By the gallon.
What do the lab reports say
about his sodium level?
Let's talk about it outside.
Those boys on the aisle
don't need to know
about the coming attractions.
Look at this.
120? What do you think, Colonel?
I think if his sodium
drops another ten
points, he's had it.
Colonel, we gotta do
something to replace
it, and fast.
Can't chance it, Hunnicutt.
According to the directive,
any saline could kill him.
Wait a minute.
Listen.
-Beej, you remember
the Vester article?
-Yeah.
He said the treatment
has always been
high-saline concentrates--
-up to 5%.
-Right.
I use less salt
in popcorn.
-And nobody's ever
used low concentrates.
-Yeah.
Why don't we try isotonic
saline-- less than 1%?
Same sodium content as blood
plasma. Shaw can handle that.
Let's run this by
one more time.
If we try this idea
and it fails,
that boy could die
and we'd be criminally liable.
On the other hand,
if we don't do anything,
we know he's gonna die.
And we've got
two other boys in there
who are gonna be in the same
shape any time now.
I say we have no choice.
Go ahead.
Okay. Thanks, Colonel.
-Margaret?
-I'll prepare the I.V.
Lots of them.
Just a pinch of salt.
[vehicle approaching]
Now who in San Juan Hill
is that?
Uh, I have a feeling
this may be for you, Chuck.
You remember--
the wife of the party?
What are you boys
talking about?
It's an acquaintance
of mine, Colonel.
She's here
for a short visit.
Well, excuse me for not
observing the amenities.
I've got to get inside.
If she wants
to stay the night,
you can put her
in the V.I.P. tent.
She won't be staying.
Suit yourself.
But you're out of your mind.
Chuck!
Chuck, here I am.
Oh, please, no.
Look, Chuck,
we can handle Shaw.
Why don't you go
meet the missus?
If we have any problems,
we'll call you.
And if you have
any problems, call us.
-[snickering]
-Go. Go.
Hello.
Oh. I guess you didn't expect
to see me again so soon.
Your visit is somewhat
of a surprise, yes.
I had to go to a meeting
in Seoul,
and I knew you were
stationed near Seoul,
so I just hitched a ride.
Could we talk somewhere
a little more private?
Hmm. You read my mind.
-Oh, charming.
-Yeah.
Now then, dear lady,
as you can imagine,
I am somewhat taken aback
by your presence here.
You're angry with me.
Well, not exactly.
I don't blame you.
I don't blame you.
I know
when we said good-bye,
you didn't expect me
to show up the very next day.
I am surprised, yes.
Well, you did invite me,
you know.
I did?
It wasn't invited, really.
It was more like...
"Come live with me
and be my love
and we will
all the pleasures prove."
Good heavens. That is me.
How could a girl resist
a line like that, hmm?
Yeah. How indeed?
[laughs]
-How indeed?
-Especially from a man
with chip dip on his head
and cute little smiles
painted on his kneecaps?
Yes, I did let my hair
down...as it were.
As it were.
Well, I was swept up
in the joy of the evening.
Who could forget
our jolly excursion
into the Pink Parasol
Nightclub and Baths?
Wasn't that place wild?
Don't I know it.
You looked so funny
dancing with that
Japanese chef,
singing ♪ If you knew sushi
like I know sushi ♪
I'm known
for my seafaring songs.
-Oh, no. You sing wonderfully.
-No.
No, you do. If it hadn't been
for your "Oh Promise Me,"
the wedding wouldn't have
been any fun at all.
Ah! The wedding. Yes.
Let's, uh, talk
about the wedding.
All right.
Was that in the Parasol
Baths as well?
Oh, no, you big lug.
At the party.
Remember, you got up on the--
You don't remember!
Well, it was
such a full evening.
There are certain little
gaps in my memory.
I can't be expected
to remember every
detail. Please go on.
-The whole thing was your
idea from the beginning.
-It was?
-Yes!
You kept
walking around saying,
"I can't keep my hands
off this angel.
Somebody marry us
before it's too late."
Mako Nakamura married us
just to shut you up.
Mako Nakamura? Ha ha.
What was he,
one of those tawdry
backstreet Marrying Sams?
No, actually.
A highly respected bartender
at the hotel
where we had the party.
A bartender
performed the ceremony?
It was a toss-up
between him and the doorman,
but the doorman was busy
hailing a rickshaw.
[stuttering]
We weren't--
We aren't a-a-actually--
[laughing] No!
Well. Well.
In that event,
you wouldn't mind
answering an extremely
personal question.
Of course not.
What is your name?
How's he doing?
No sign of fluid
in his lungs.
What did you find out
in the lab?
So far so good. His sodium
is beginning to move up.
-You think we're on
to something here?
-I don't know.
What we're doing
is so simple.
So was the wheel.
I hear that's
catching on pretty well.
If there was only something
we could stitch or rebuild--
a piece of something
we could take out.
[sighs] This is agony.
It's a strange feeling,
isn't it?
Inside this kid's body
there are microscopic armies
fighting a war
bigger than Korea.
And we can't even
get in it.
-[both laughing]
-And then-- Wait.
Then you walked up
to the winning sumo wrestler
and said, "Get
into some shorts, tubbo.
There are ladies present."
Why, the sight of those
two gargantuan bottoms
locked in mortal combat
is hardly as culturally
uplifting as, say, The Mikado.
Maybe not, but if that man
had understood English,
I'd now be known
as the Widow Winchester.
[chuckles] On only one other
occasion in my life
did I even approach
that level of inebriation.
-And when was that?
-That was the night after
I graduated
from Harvard med school.
I distinctly remember
attempting to swim the Charles
River in cap and gown,
reasoning that, since it
was named after me,
-it was my river.
-Well, of course.
Did you get married then too?
No. Got pneumonia.
How come you remember that
and you don't remember me?
Donna, my dear,
I'm scarcely likely
to make that mistake again.
I'm simply grateful that,
even in a moment
of total inebriation,
I had the sense and good taste
to propose to you.
You give the longest
compliments I've ever heard.
Then let me
be more succinct.
-Morning, Hunnicutt.
-Mmm?
Can't fool me.
If it's morning,
where's the sun?
Not up yet-- kind of
like Pierce there.
I'm up. I'm just laying here
having a dream.
It's terrible.
I'm going over Niagara Falls
in a specimen bottle.
How's Corporal Shaw?
Any change yet, Beej?
Well, he's stable.
Lab report shows his sodium
rising nicely, thank you.
Attaboy, Shaw.
Hang in there, son.
We'll take over here.
Why don't you two get some rest?
What a terrific idea--
sleeping without
getting up every hour.
Here, Margaret,
take the chair.
It's got smaller lumps
than the bed.
Come on, Hawk.
Let's see if we can find home.
I'm wide awake.
I'll probably toss and turn
for two, maybe three minutes.
Hey, doc.
Did you say something?
Say you said something.
What do I have to do to get
something to eat around here?
He's hungry!
He's hungry!
[both laughing]
Hey,
that's not so bad, huh?
There's one war
with a happy ending.
[laughing]
We are gathered here
in conclave met--
[hiccup]
Thank you. For two reasons.
One, to celebrate Corporal
Shaw's first night out.
[all cheering]
And B,
to officially dissolve
the ersatz marriage
of Mr. and Mrs.
Chuck Winchester.
Cuddles. Cuddles.
Cuddles.
[all laughing]
-Father--
-Ah.
I realize that this ceremony
will not be in line
with the basic tenets
of your religion--
I-- I didn't know
t-tennis was a religion.
[laughter]
No ecclesiastical
conflict, Hawkeye.
The bartender who
married them was a Druid.
Father, if you'll just
get ready to play
"So Long, It's Been
Good To Know You."
Is the flower girl ready?
Absolutely--
a bouquet of Four Roses.
And now, to perform
the ceremony
The "irreverend"
J.B. Honeydew.
-[cheers]
-Thank you, everyone.
[chatter]
-Hit it, Father.
-All right.
-♪♪ [piano]
-Do you, Chuck Emerson
Winchester III,
take this lovely
if gullible young woman
as your unlawful
unwedded unwife?
-I undo.
-[giggling]
And do you, Donna Marie
Parker Winchester III,
take this pickled amnesiac
as your unlawful
unwedded unhubby?
I undo too.
Then, by the power
invested in me
by the state of intoxication,
I hereby pronounce you
man and woman.
-Ah!
-You may now ignore the bride.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]