M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 8 - Private Finance - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Two down,
bottom of the 9th,

American Legion
Championships,

tie game.

The Toledo Tires need
a run.

"Spikes" Klinger comes
to the plate.

Was this before
your unassisted triple play?

Don't interrupt.
Don't interrupt, all right?

The count's three and two.
I get my pitch.

I lace a screechin' liner
into left center.

I know, I know!
A homer to win the game!



No, it wasn't a homer,
wise guy.

It was a stand-up triple.

-Then I stole home.
-[laughing]

KLINGER:
Ha ha, yourself.

Now she can pitch
on my team any day.

I will buy you drink, Joe?

No, no. I mean,
you will buy me drink.

Well, well.
What do we have here?

We have me.

I am looking for funny time.

Okay, Joe?

Park it here, toots.
Come on.

Thank you very much.

Oksun Li, is that you?



Oh, Corporal Klinger.

Yeah. What are you doing here?

Beat it, Klinger.
She's mine!

Take it easy, Crosetti.
She's just a kid.

She don't look like
no kid to me, do you, sweetie?

Hey, Crosetti,
leave her alone, will ya?

She's not what you think.
She's our laundry girl.

Terrific!
She can do my shirts too.

I'm tellin' you.
Lay off, Crosetti!

This is gonna be fun.

I haven't made oatmeal outta
anybody in three days.

Bye-bye, Klinger.

Let that be a lesson to ya,
Crosetti!

Come on.
Let's get outta here.

The bum doesn't know
how lucky I am.

Why you do that?
Now they will not like me.

Oksun Li,
what are you doing here?

I did nothing.
You stopped me.

You bet I stopped you!

I'm not gonna let you
ruin your life!

But I have to get money,
Klinger.

What's the matter?

Doesn't the laundry job
pay enough?

No. Too many of us
doing laundry.

Not enough shirts
to go around.

Well, I'm not gonna let you
hang around bars!

I'm your friend.

You need money,
come to me.

And I'll try to get
the guys to throw

some more underwear
your way.

[shouting in Korean]

-Mother!
-Oh.

[speaking Korean]

Mother say I have
disgraced her.

Uh, don't worry, Mrs. Li.

She didn't do anything.
I stopped her.

[speaking Korean]

This? Oh, no.
No, you got it all wrong.

See, this is gift,
a present.

-[shouting in Korean]
-Uh-oh. Oh!

Oksun Li, talk to her!

Tell her she's after
the wrong guy!

-Ooh, ooh.
-OKSUN: Umma!

[speaking Korean]

Go hit Crosetti,
he won't feel it.

And for God's sake,
don't tell him I sent ya!

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

All personnel,
places, please,

for the hospital number.

I'm saved! Ooh!

Look, Oksun, I gotta go.
Ouch!

Okay. Mama,
it was nice meeting you.

-[shouting in Korean]
-We gotta do it again sometime.

POTTER: It's about time
you showed up.

We got wounded here.

KLINGER: I know, sir.
I was almost one of 'em.

-BJ: How ya doin', pal?
-MAN: Hurts like hell, doc.

BJ: Ah, you're lucky.
A lot of these guys
can't feel anything.

Let's get him to X-ray!

-Leave me alone.
-Okay.

-Leave me alone!
-Don't fight me.

-You're hurt.
-What's the matter?

He's got a belly wound,
going into shock,

and he won't let me
get near him.

All right, let me try
my roadside manner.

Hi there.
Pierce is the name,

but you can call me Doctor.

How am I doin', Doc?

I'm not gonna be able
to tell

unless I look
at your gut.

-What's your name?
-Eddie Hastings.

Okay, Eddie Hastings,
I promise not to tickle.

WOMAN: Major Houlihan,
over here, please!

Go ahead, Margaret.
I can handle him.

Fine, Doctor.

Believe me, nothing
in there will surprise me.

-Hastings, you surprise me.
-It's my money belt, sir.

You didn't have to do that.
We would've billed ya later.

I have to keep it with me.

Look. I gotta get it off.

You're hit right under
your savings account.

Don't worry.
I only steal hubcaps, okay?

-[groans]
-I'll take that as a yes.

Hey, Doc, do me a favor,
will you?

What? Litter!

Will you make sure
that money gets to my folks

if I don't make it?
They could use it.

Get this guy into O.R.,
fast!

Hold it!

I'm not goin' anywhere
till I get that promise.

All right, just calm down.
Take it easy, all right?

-Do I have your word on it?
-Yeah, all right,
I'll do what you want.

-Okay.
-Get him inside, fast!

-Klinger!
-KLINGER: Yo!

Take good care of this.

-Probably his life savings.
-You got it.

Now we just
gotta save his life.

-Hey, Beej!
-BJ: Yeah.

Come on, we got
a real rush order here,

a definite four-hander.
Come on.

POTTER:
I don't like the sound
of that quiet over there.

-What's goin' on?
-Spleen's ruptured

and his liver looks like
an open zipper.

BJ: Look at that bowel.

They couldn't have done
more damage if they had a map.

Blood pressure's dropping,
doctors.

Give him another unit.

Come on, Eddie,
hang in there.

BJ: Do we have time
to reconstruct, Margaret?

-HAWKEYE: Huh?
-MARGARET: Pressure's
down to 70 over 40.

Pulse rapid and
irregular, doctors.

Can't you pump any faster?

Start another unit
with a larger needle.

We'd need a garden hose.

-Did you try a second line in?
-Four CCs, fast.

I've lost the pulse,
doctor.

I'm gonna pump his chest.
Come on.

BJ: I'll ventilate him.

We've lost him, Doctors.

I didn't hear that.

It's over, Hawk.

-BJ: Hawk, it's over!
-[panting]

MARGARET:
We did everything we could.

I know, I know.

[breathing heavily]

When are we gonna find
a cure for the common war?

Come on, troops.
Let's grab a cup of coffee.

We saved 22 boys today.

The only action Eddie Hastings
should've been in

was with a cheerleader

in the backseat
of his father's Buick.

What was he doin' here?
What are we all doin' here?

A question for which
there is no clear answer,
Hunnicutt.

I'd recommend a stiff drink,
some shut-eye--

come out sluggin' tomorrow.

You'll just have to put
that boy out of your mind.

Yeah. There's plenty more
where he came from.

Excuse me, sirs.
We gotta talk for a minute.

The kid with the money belt,
Hastings?

-I heard he didn't make it.
-No.

Too bad.

-He had a lot to live for.
-They all do.

Well, Hastings had
a little more.

His money belt was
all shot up, right?

So I decided to put his cash
in my little file box.

-But it wouldn't fit.
-Look at that.

There must be three--four
thousand dollars here.

8,873 simoleans.

-This stuff's worth a fortune!
-[whistles]

No wonder he was so worried

about sending that
to his parents.

Let me see that wampum.

They're paying enlisted men
more than I thought.

It's all U.S. currency.

Every bill's got
a president.

What's he doin'
with real money?

The army I'm in, you get
paid in military scrip.

That's right. Anybody
with greenbacks around here

probably got 'em
under the table.

Me thinks something's rotten
in the state of Ouijongbu.

My guess is
we're lookin' at

a fistful
of ill-gotten gains.

Nah, there must be
some other explanation.

That kid was so clean
he squeaked.

No matter. We better
lock up this bonanza
for safekeeping.

Klinger, let's go.

Mind if I fondle it
for a little while, sir?

-In the safe, Klinger.
-In the safe, Colonel. Yeah.

How can he be so sure?
How do we know that kid

didn't win it playing poker
or shooting craps?

Hawk, we play a lotta poker.
All our pots together

wouldn't add up to that much,
and it's all cash.

Gentlemen,
it occurs to me

that were I curious
about Corporal Hastings,

I would make inquiry
of his comrades-in-arms,

who are now recuperating
in our own post-operative ward.

You must be absolutely
exhausted, Charles.

You're making sense.

Klinger!
[speaking Korean]

-I must talk to you.
-I have to make a call,

but I'm glad you washed
your face.

You must listen.
Mother is very angry at you.

Yes, I know.
Somewhere out there,

there's a broom
with my name on it.

This is not for joking,
Klinger.

I told her you did
not shame me,

but she will not listen.

She seek revenge.
You are in danger.

Don't worry.

I'll talk to her,
turn on the charm.

I have a way with older women.

[speaking Korean]

Ooh! Madame,
it's against the rules

to fold, spindle or perforate
military personnel!

-[shouting]
-Whoa! Whoa!

Couldn't we go back
to the broom?

How about a vacuum cleaner?

Colonel, would you mind
dropping everything

and coming out here fast?

What the hell is going--

Put that thing down, lady!
This is no hayride!

Now, what in the name of
Beelzebub is goin' on here?

-[speaking Korean]
-Sir, it's all a mistake.

I'm clean as a whistle.
See--

Hold it down!

That's more like it.

Klinger, this lady seems
a little cranky.

Actually, sir,
it's very amusing.

Then how come
Madame Pitchfork
isn't laughing?

This is Mrs. Li.
She thinks I was
playin' footsies

with her daughter here.

-This child?
-Yes, sir.

Gimme that fork.

Ooh! Uh, sir, believe me,
it's not the truth.

It's a terrible
misunderstanding.

You're swarthy,
aren't you?

Hot-blooded and all that?

[speaking Korean]

Don't worry, ma'am.
I'll check this whole thing out.

Little lady,
you take your mother

and her salad fork home.

Yes, sir.

[speaking Korean]

I understand perfectly.

I've got a daughter
of my own,

and if he ever laid
a hand on her,

I'd have him baled
and stacked in a flash.

-[shouting in Korean]
-Ooh!

[speaking Korean]

Thank you, sir.

Klinger, you better make
peace with that lady

before she serves you up
as a hairy shish kebab.

Hello. I'm your friendly

neighborhood
scrap-metal collector.

I'd like to thank you

for this morning's
generous contribution.

-BJ: Hey, Hawk?
-Yeah?

Some people here
I'd like you to meet.

Don't run off.
I'll be right back.

-Yeah?
-Corporals Dolan and Vitello.

They're from
Eddie Hastings's outfit.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, we've known him
since Basic.

Yeah, what about him?

I'm afraid it's bad news.
He didn't make it.

Oh, yeah? Who got him,
their side or ours?

Look, maybe I didn't
make myself clear.
Hastings is dead.

Doc, if you're lookin'
for somebody to cry over him,

you came to the wrong guys.

-He's got no friends here.
-What did he ever do to you?

That crud was the world's
biggest thief.

You name it,
he was into it.

Crooked gambling, black market,
loan sharkin'--

At 100 percent interest.

Word was out that
if you didn't pay him back,

he had a couple of
Korean buddies

who'd rearrange
your kneecaps for you.

He'd steal
his own mother's shoes

if he thought he could
make a buck on 'em.

Are you sure about this?

That kid's face was straight
off a Norman Rockwell cover.

Maybe that was his cover.

Doc, you see,
back there in Basic,

Eddie was just like he looked.
He was okay.

Then he started hangin' around

with some of the real crumbs
in the outfit.

And he learned fast.

Next thing you know,
he was stealin' everybody blind.

Thanks, guys.
You get some rest now.

DOLAN: See ya, doc.

I wonder if Normal Rockwell
ever did a most wanted poster.

Yeah, thank you, Major.

Criminal Investigation Division
says Hastings has no record,

no current warrants
or complaints against him.

So far,
that's the nicest thing

we've heard about the boy.

I guess they never talked to
his two ex-buddies in post-op.

Well, you gotta admit,

if Eddie was a crook,
he was pretty good at it.

So all that money goes

to the proper authorities
down at "I" Corps.

"I" Corps?
All they'll do with it is
gold plate their brass.

I say we put it in
the company fund.

Then we'll have
a company fund.

Wait a minute, I think
you're forgetting something.

I promised to send that money
to Eddie's parents.

Now let's be careful,
Pierce.

If anything turns up later,
that could be a mistake.

Yeah, but what do we
really know about him?

So far it's all hearsay.

All right,
it's overwhelming hearsay.

Pierce,
there's no legal way

a corporal could make
those kind of garbanzos.

Look, Hastings was
a little shifty.

So what?

The fact is he told me
his parents needed the money,

and I promised
to send it to them.

Now I say let them have it.

It's small compensation
for a dead son.

If it's a choice
between "I" Corps

and that kid's parents,
there's no contest.

Okay, Klinger,

make out a money order
and send it to his folks.

-Yes, sir.
-Thank you.

It's an awful lot of money,
Pierce.

A letter of explanation
should go along with it.

Yeah, I know.

A very delicately phrased
letter, I would say.

I hope you're good
at tap-dancing
around the truth.

I'll just sign it
"Yours truly, Fred Astaire."

This is impossible!
What do I say to these people?

"Enclosed please find almost
$9,000 and a pack of lies"?

Pierce, I can understand
why that letter is

so difficult
for you to write.

It requires taste, tact,
and sensitivity.

You have all but three
of those qualities.

How do I explain
the huge bank roll?

Eddie had a really good
paper route, Asia.

Then there was
the lemonade stand

at the corner of
38th and parallel.

He made a killing
in the market.

The black one.

I was doing better alone.

We got a problem!

Uh, sorry, Mrs. Patton.
George isn't here.

-You guys gotta hide me!
-That shouldn't be too hard.

You're certainly quiet
and inconspicuous.

I'm not kidding here, sir.
This is serious!

Oh, Klinger,
I had hoped we'd seen

the last of
the buttons and bows.

You have.
This is just camouflage.

A disguise.
Protective cleavage,
so to speak.

I'm not thinking too loud
for you guys, am I?

Are you still hiding
from that harmless old woman?

Harmless? She tried to
hack her way through my door
with an ax!

Getting in or getting out?

Oh. Oh, please.

-Let me stay here tonight.
-Absolutely not.

Get out there.
Let that dear old lady

have a fair chance
at you.

-Please!
-Okay, everybody, I give up!

I'm gonna take a walk.

Maybe I can find a nice
quiet artillery barrage.

-Bye.
-Well?

No.

No.

Good!
That makes it unanimous.

Having trouble with
your "Dear Parents" letter?

I get as far as
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hastings,"

and after that
it gets tough.

Don't be so critical
of yourself, Hawkeye.

After all, this isn't the
ordinary letter of condolence.

Why don't you read me
what you've written so far?

All right.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hastings,

"by now you've heard
of the loss of your son.

"I was with him when he died,

and his last thoughts
were of you."

-Not bad.
-Uh-huh.

Now for the hard part.

"Nothing can make up
for Eddie's loss,

"but it might comfort you
to know that your son

"was an enterprising,
resourceful person.

"In fact, some of
his buddies commented

"that they were
forever in his debt.

"Eddie's talents
enabled him to accumulate

"a tidy nest egg which
he wanted you to have.

"He asked me
to send it to you.

"I only wish I could
say more than I'm sorry.

Sincerely, Dr. Benjamin
Franklin Pierce."

Hawkeye,
I'm--I'm impressed.

-Yeah? Really?
-No, I am, indeed.

You know, you would make
a fine priest.

Oh, well, thanks, Father.

I don't think
it would work out.

I like Sundays off.

Besides, the only Latin
I know is Xavier Cugat.

MARGARET: Colonel,
you won't be sorry you said
I could come along.

POTTER: I don't recall
saying you could come along,
Major.

Then you won't be sorry.

I'm sure I can talk
some sense into Mrs. Li.

After all,
we're fellow women.

It's worth a try.

I can't get any work done

with my clerk hiding
under a desk,

especially when
it's mine.

Well, looks like this place
has been redecorated

a couple of times
by the War Department.

-Yoo-hoo.
-[knocking]

Colonel Potter.
Thank you for coming here.

When it's important,
I still make house calls.

And I brought along a friend,
Major Houlihan.

Oh, we've met, sir,
when she picks up my laundry.

Oh, yes, lady with
tiger-skin underwear.

-Why don't we go in?
-Enter, please.

If you see a glint of steel,
hit the deck.

-Hi, Mrs. Li.
-Howdy, Mrs. Li.

How about this weather, huh?

Please, sit.

-Whoa.
-What?

Ah, this couch has got
a loose spring.

[speaking Korean]

Mother says to
state purpose.

All business.
I like that.

I questioned Corporal Klinger
quite extensively,

gave him third, fourth,
and fifth degrees,

had him under a bare bulb,

used everything
but a rubber hose.

I am convinced he did nothing
to harm your little girl.

[speaking Korean]

[speaking Korean]

Mother says soldiers
protect each other.

That's a stubborn woman.

Mother hate all soldiers.

They take my father to fight,

and now he is dead.

My brother is also soldier,
and he is missing.

[speaking Korean]

Fine looking family.

Oksun Li, tell your mother
I'm very sorry.

I hate this war
as much as she does.

Soldiers have destroyed
our farm.

Americans, Chinese,

North Korean,
South Korean.

Each time we rebuild,

they come back
to make more war.

You're all she's got left,
Oksun Li.

You've gotten to her,
Margaret.

Now you can see
why I brought you along.

Go ahead,
talk turkey with her.

I most certainly will.

Oksun Li,
tell your mother

I have the utmost respect
and admiration for her

and that I'm right
behind her all the way.

-What?
-This woman is fighting

for the survival
of her family.

Fine, but Klinger
is not threatening her family.

I'm not so sure about that.

Klinger can be pretty
strange, Colonel.

Major, I told you
to talk turkey,

not cook Klinger's goose.

Her actions are understandable.
They are heroic.

She doesn't just stand there,
she fights back.

[speaking Korean]

Easy, Mother.

Margaret,
don't you think this lady

is getting
a little bit excited?

She has every right
to be excited.

She feels threatened!

Well, how do you think
I feel?

She's the one with
all the farm implements.

Now stay calm, sir.

I am calm!
Talk to her!

Yes, sir.

Mrs. Li,
please excuse the Colonel.

He's a man, and you know
how they are.

-[stomps]
-She knows.

Damn it, Margaret!

Get to the point!
Whose side are you on?

Colonel, there are two sides
to every issue.

Yeah, and you seem
to be on both of 'em!

Please! Please stop!
It is all my fault.

I needed money,

and Klinger was trying
to help me.

At Rosie's,
he made me stop.

Well, I'm glad he did.
You're a nice girl.

You shouldn't do things
like that.

I know.
I am ashamed.

But I know no other way
to get money

so I can take my mother
away from here.

Where would you go?

My mother's sister
live in Pusan

where the fighting is over.

We could stay with her,

and I could find
honorable work.

Colonel, isn't there
something we can do?

Gee, Margaret,
I--I don't know. Uh--

Oksun Li,
tell your mother

we'll try to figure
something out.

And while you're at it,

will you see
if you can get her

to stop threatening to let
the air out of Klinger?

♪♪ [tune played poorly]

Well, so much for Nola.

Now, let's pay a little
musical call on Marie.

♪♪

Every time he tickles
those ivories,

an entire elephants'
graveyard turns over.

Folks, the libations
are on yours truly.

I am celebrating.

It's been six whole days

since anyone tried
to subdivide my skull.

You look like
a new man,

which beats last week when
you looked like an old woman.

It's when your life
is threatened

you begin to
appreciate things.

The simple beauty of
a leaf, a bird,

a really well turned
pool cue.

The congrats
go to Margaret.

She's the one who disarmed
Granny the Ripper.

I'm glad Klinger's
off the hook.

I just wish we could do
more for the Lis.

So do I.
I wanna get that family

down to Pusan as much
as you do, Margaret.

Klinger, what's the latest
report on the finance committee?

Well, I got the Oksun
laundry service

doing everything but
the enemy's socks,

and I'm working on
a deal for those.

But even with passing
the helmet,

we've got a long way to go.

I don't believe this!

I can't get away
from these people!

First the son,
now the parents.

This is the happy hour.
Angry hour starts at 10.

-I thought I had this settled!
-Thought you had what settled?

Eddie Hastings.

I went through
all that pain

and tap-dancing
for nothing.

A kid who knew him here
got sent home months ago

and went and told
his parents

everything Eddie
had been doing here.

So then I get
this infuriating,

intimidating,

extremely touching letter.

Listen to this.

"Dear Doctor"--
[mumbling]

And so on, so on--

"We don't know what
happened to change Eddie,

"but something did.

"We are a simple Christian
family, Dr. Pierce.

"We would rather remember
Eddie the way he was.

"The money you sent us
came from

"an Eddie we never knew.

You seem to be an honest,
trustworthy man"--

Well, you know--

"and we are confident
that you can find a way

"to use Eddie's money
to help someone there

"so we are returning
it to you.

Bless you, Matthew
and Betty Hastings."

Who am I,
the Community Chest?

What the hell
am I gonna do with this?

Put that 500 bucks

in a safe place
the minute you get to Pusan.

And thank you
for doing business

with the Sherman Potter
Travel Agency.

And the Save the Klinger
Foundation.

We will always be grateful
for your kindness.

Good luck, Oksun Li.
We'll miss you.

And we will miss you.

It was all because of you,
Klinger.

Oh, what the heck.

[chuckles]

Did I tell you I have
a way with older women?

No sweat. All you gotta do
is figure out

how to spend 8,000 bucks
and change.

Why fight it?
It's kismet.

We'll have a giant party.

We'll buy Tokyo
and have it delivered.

If you're looking for
a truly noble cause,

why don't you finance
a visit to this hog wallow

by the Boston
Symphony Orchestra?

Terrific.
"Dear Mrs. Hastings,

"your son didn't die
in vain.

The Beethoven was swell.
Thank you."

How about if we get
China drunk

and take advantage
of them?

No, no, no,
Colonel Potter was right.

We gotta give it
to the Red Cross.

What about the
U.S.S. Hope?

What about the U.S.S.O.?

-What about the A.S.P.C.A.?
-I got a whole list here!

All right! Okay!
Enough!

We give it to everybody.

All right! That's it.

-Yep.
-There you are.

Eddie, wherever you are,

whether you know it or not,
you did good.

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]