M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 4 - Good-Bye Radar: Part 1 - full transcript
As Radar returns from leave, the camp struggles with a total loss of electricity due to a malfunctioning generator and a stolen backup.
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Chicken noodle soup.
It's an instant soup,
but don't bad-mouth that.
A work of sorcerers,
that radio.
Here we are on the other
side of the world,
and we can listen
to Arthur Godfrey.
CHARLES:
Placing us among that elite
group of surgeons
privileged to operate
by ukulele.
HAWKEYE: Our radio station
back home once held a contest
to guess how many
freckles he has.
B.J.: The decision of the
dermatologist is final.
Comin' through!
Comin' through!
Who ordered a casualty?
Right here, camel breath.
With all due respect, sir,
better to breathe
like a camel
-than look like one.
-[mock chuckle]
How are ya? How are ya?
How are ya?
Oh, suck it
up your snout.
This is a tough audience
for you, Klinger.
You're right. I gotta
get out of these lounges
and start playing
the big rooms.
Let's take a look in there.
Give me the rib spreader.
Rib spreader.
-[all exclaiming]
-What is it? Again?
Come on with the lights!
-POTTER: Get some
lanterns in here!
-Ow! Margaret
you've caught my finger
in the spreader!
-Jeez!
-I'm sorry, Doctor!
I can't see!
I thought that damn generator
was supposed to be fixed.
Klinger, where are you?
KLINGER:
Hiding from you, sir.
Triple-time
out to that contraption
and see what's going on.
If it's kaput,
crank up the auxiliary.
KLINGER: I'll fix it.
It knows the sting of my boot.
How's the digit, Pierce?
Throbbing along nicely,
thank you.
MARGARET: I said I was
sorry, Dr. Martyr.
This doesn't surprise me
with you running
the maintenance
section, Zale.
Probably the first time
you've seen the inside
of one of these.
Don't get too close,
Klinger.
You'll catch your nose
in the driveshaft.
You wouldn't know where
to find the driveshaft.
You keep crowdin' me,
I'll know where to find it!
I'll start the backup
generator.
Why don't you do that?
Good ol' Zale.
The army's first career chimp.
Oh, no, no, no!
Great! Terrific! Just dandy!
Hey, Bonzo, the auxiliary
generator is missing!
What? You think
somebody stole it?
No. It made electricity
and walked out under
its own power.
Shine it right
in the gory stuff, son.
Carolina cow pies!
What are they doin'?
Stringin' Christmas lights
out there?
Damn! I'll be glad
when Radar gets back.
B.J.: Will you
center that light?
I've lost a clamp in there.
What's the matter,
Hunnicutt?
Don't you like playing
"blind surgeon's bluff"?
-HAWKEYE: Retractor.
-Retractor.
Aah! Margaret,
you're gonna have to
hold that back for me.
It hurts that badly?
No. I always keep both
eyes in the same socket.
I'm really sorry.
It's not your fault.
We should've used
the rib spreader
with the night light on it.
- Suction here.
- Suction's out, Colonel.
Oh, yeah.
Well, pack in some sponges.
Come on, Klinger!
I'm a romantic,
but soft lights and surgery
just don't mix.
Okay.
I think she's ready.
Turn it on!
Okay. I'll turn it on.
[motor whirring fitfully]
Yeah, yeah. This baby's
just like my wife.
You know, you give her
a little extra attention
once in a while
-and she purrs like a kitten.
-[engine sputters, stops]
-[grumbles]
-Your wife's a lemon, Zale.
-[sparking]
-I don't like the sound of
that sizzle. Turn it off!
You turn it off!
Here's how I see it, Zale.
On the way over
to tell Colonel Potter,
maybe we'll get lucky
and step on a land mine.
Hey, listen. If I'm
not back to my unit
by oh-noon-hundred,
I'm gonna be AWOL
without leave.
My heart bleeds,
but I've gotta bump ya.
General Imbrie needs that seat
to carry his likeness.
-His what?
-A five-foot cardboard
cutout he made of himself.
It's his Christmas
present to his troops.
It's not even near Christmas.
When you're a general,
you can have Christmas
any time you want.
The bigger they are,
the weirder they are.
Well, it's not fair.
Nobody should be allowed
to take up two seats,
no matter how many
of 'em he is.
First time I ever seen anybody
in a hurry to get to Korea.
Relax. There's another
flight in six hours.
Six hour--
-Hey, Mac?
-The name's Olsen.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Olsen?
How'd you like to make
a little green stuff, huh?
How much?
I got four bucks
that ain't doin' nothin'.
Get me that seat,
and they're all yours.
Scram.
Two now.
Two when you deliver.
Get lost.
Boy, some guys
just can't be bought.
Hello.
I wasn't staring
at you, honest.
I was just-- I was lookin'
at the garbage can.
-That's a good one. Oh, boy.
-[laughs]
-Where are you headed?
-Me? Korea. The war.
I'm company clerk
at the 4077th MASH.
I run things.
-You work in a MASH?
-Mm-hmm.
I volunteered for a MASH,
but it never came through.
I spent my whole tour
at Tokyo General.
I'm Patty Haven.
Oh, you are?
Oh, I'm Walter O'Radar--
I mean, I'm Walter O'Reilly.
But you can call me Radar
or Corporal.
-So you're a nurse?
-Yeah. Right.
I love nurses--
respect-wise, I mean.
The nurses back at the 4077th
are really tops.
I mean, they put in
more hours than the doctors.
They never complain or nothin'
although Major Houlihan
would kill 'em if they did.
-I bought 'em perfume.
-Oh!
Yeah. It's French.
It's made by a little
Japanese guy on the Ginza.
Good stuff. Smells good.
That's very
thoughtful of you.
So which where
are you headed to?
Home.
Oh.
Lancaster, Missouri.
Lancaster?
Wow. That's only about 100
miles from where I'm from--
Ottumwa, Iowa.
You're from Ottumwa?
Yeah.
Gee, isn't that amazing?
Boy, I sure am glad
that general screwed me over.
Give him a quarter gram
of morphine.
♪ Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
♪ It's off to work we go
♪♪ [humming melody]
♪ Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho
-Hello.
-Who are you?
Young Dr. Pierce,
better known as The Shadow...
specializing in surgery
and lurking in the dark.
-How long am I gonna
hurt like this?
-Two or three days...
and then the pain'll subside.
Think of it as a typical weekend
in Cleveland. You can make it.
Ow!
Just what I need:
10% off on my fingers.
Pierce and anybody else
who might be out there.
Hi, Colonel. When are we gonna
get back to the 20th century?
We're not talkin'
chipped beef here.
Generators are mighty scarce.
It'd be easier to find
a buffalo in Times Square.
Colonel, can you grope your
way down here for a minute?
-That you, Hunnicutt?
-Mm-hmm.
Keep talkin'. I'll find ya.
Ah, Padre. We sure could use
some of your enlightenment
around here.
I'd say a special prayer,
but we've never come up with
a patron saint of electricity.
Got a distended abdomen here.
I need some gastric suction.
You're right. You wanna
evac him over to the 8063rd?
I don't think
he'd enjoy the ride.
Well, when the chips
are down,
you go back to the basics.
We'll whomp up
a good old-fashioned,
hand-operated
Wangensteen suction.
Wangensteen?
Those things went out
with rumble seats.
I've never even
heard of that.
It's a thingamabob
dreamed up in the '30s
by a Dr. Owen Wangensteen.
I'll go over to the lab
and get what we need.
Forget the lab. We gotta
go Wangensteen one bigger.
What we need's
in the kitchen.
Anything but the food.
That kid's sick enough
already.
I know it's 6:00
in the morning, Lieutenant,
but I've got to talk
to General MacArthur.
Just tell him
Max Klinger's on the phone.
Yeah. He knows me.
I've been sending him
love letters for a year.
Hello? Hello!
See if he gets
my vote for dictator.
You get one, Klinger?
Sir, I have gone
through this whole book.
I even tried to reach
a North Korean unit.
If there's an extra
generator in Asia,
nobody's talking about it.
Pigeon pellets!
Get on the track
and go it again.
And while you're at it,
make arrangements
with the 8063rd
to babysit our more
serious patients.
Then find out where we
can store our blood
and perishable drugs.
Got it?
I got it, sir.
Right after breakfast.
Now, Klinger. Move it.
Right, sir. Famine is fun.
Klinger, I didn't mean
to hurt your fe--
Nobody wants Radar
back more than me, sir.
Move it!
-You know what I
miss the most?
-Uh-uh.
Curling up in front
of a fireplace
during a rainstorm.
-Oh, yeah.
-And after it's over,
the hay smells so sweet,
you wanna fight the animals
for a taste of it.
I like the rain too.
'Cept I'm usually sweeping
mud off the porch for days.
-You like grape Nehi?
-I adore grape Nehi.
-No kidding?
-Yeah.
Wow! Hey, maybe when
the snack bar opens,
we could split one, huh?
I'd love it.
So what are you gonna do
when you get out
of the service, Radar?
Well, I don't really
know for sure yet.
I do know I want
to stay around Ottumwa.
That's where
all my family is--
my mom and my uncle Ed.
It's been sort of
real rough on 'em,
trying to run
the farm alone.
I mean, my mom's health
is only fair,
and Uncle Ed isn't
as young as me anymore.
You'd like my Uncle Ed though.
He knows every joke that's ever
been told.
Couple of'em are even funny.
-Maybe someday I'll meet him
and your mom.
-Yeah. Sure.
-Yeah.
-OLSEN: Hey, buddy!
You! Lover boy.
I got you on a cargo
flight to Kimpo.
Uh, no, thanks. I'll wait.
It's warmin' up right now.
Hangar number 4.
Uh, look, I appreciate it,
but no thanks anyhow.
I'll just wait
for my regular flight.
Listen, bub.
I held up a footlocker
to make room for you.
Get out there.
I'll give you four bucks
to forget the whole thing.
Get out there.
Two now and--
Damn. I mean, shoot.
I was even gonna buy you
breakfast and everything.
I'm glad I met you, Radar.
Yeah. But it was only
for less than an hour.
Lancaster's only
100 miles from Ottumwa.
Hey, yeah. And I could
drive my Uncle Ed's
Studebaker there
as long as I stop for water
every 10 minutes.
Romeo, it's time to hit
the wild blue yonder.
Listen. Let's look
for each other
back home, okay?
Promise.
Promise.
POTTER: Get it before
it rots, people.
This is the last
fresh food you'll have
till we find a new generator.
He wants some more meat loaf.
She'll have another
slab of liver.
A good breakfast'll
stick to your ribs.
I think I can live
with no electricity
and even with boiling
my instruments,
but I draw the line
at liver hanging
from my ribs.
How can you expect me
to eat all this?
I can't even lift it.
Come on, Margaret.
I can always count
on you to pack it away.
What?
Yet somehow you still manage
to keep that girlish figure.
-That's better.
-Just a roll
and two pats of that lard
you're passing off
as butter, if you will.
And a side
of everything else.
Lean heavy on
the halibut patties.
No. Colonel, no. I--
I despise halibut patties.
You'll love these,
and that's an order.
I'll never forget you
for this. [groans]
Colonel,
the Koreans are here.
Fine. Have 'em belly up
to the buffet.
ZALE: Okay, people.
Come on in now.
Hey, hey! Single file.
No buttin' in.
POTTER: Now,
don't be shy, folks.
I know you're guests,
but this has all got to go.
So don't be afraid to ask
for seconds-- even tenths!
Would you care for an aperitif?
Could I interest you in some
halibut patties?
Perhaps for your ox?
There's one advantage to having
a bum finger: I can't pick up
the fork.
You don't have to.
This food comes when
you call it.
The sad thing is,
one man's poison
is another man's meat.
RADAR: Hey, could you
please kind of step on it?
I'm about 20 miles
an hour too late.
Take it easy, mac.
Boy, for a guy
who just got off R&R,
you sure are
a nervous Nellie.
Well, I'm sorry.
I had a rough life
the last two weeks.
You should've seen
how they crushed me
into the back
of that cargo plane.
Crunched me
in the back seat of a jeep
that was lyin' on its side.
I was gettin' carsick
and airsick at the same time.
I wouldn't have minded so much
if I was squeezed in there
with Patty.
Who?
My gal.
I had to leave her behind.
You know it is.
SOLDIER:
Hey, it's LaGrow.
Sarge,
this is your big chance
to save Uncle Sam
three pairs of boots.
How lucky can I get?
Okay, you clowns, come on.
Hey, fellas, you know what?
I don't think there's enough
room for all of us in here.
Hey, who's this?
Guy from a MASH.
I'm givin' him a lift. Come on.
Uh, look. One guy
could just wait
for a jeep, you know.
There'll be one passin' by
pretty soon, I'm sure.
You know, like, one guy
could wait right there.
What the heck.
I was the first one on.
Figures I oughta be
the first one off.
I had part of a ride,
anyway.
Could you give me
my duffel bag, please?
Sure.
Hey, be careful!
[grunts]
Oh, now you got it
full of broken perfume!
Well, there she is:
Dr. Wangensteen's
magic suction machine.
Why do I feel as though we've
hooked him up to a still?
Colonel, how on earth
does this thing work?
Simple, really. The pickle
jar here is empty.
The mustard jug
has fluid in it.
When it's turned up like this
and I release this clamp,
the fluid flows through here,
causes the suction
in the nasogastric tube,
and the aspirated material
collects down here
in the chipped beef can.
Remarkable.
And very handy
if we wanna put him
on intravenous hotdogs.
Normally you'd use
I.V. bottles, but the jugs
are bigger,
and they give it a homey touch.
Colonel, permission
to let you down.
I don't wanna hear it.
Then I'll just cry
on your buttons.
There's not a generator
to be had anyplace.
Please.
Just label me a failure
and let me live out
my life in peaceful shame.
I haven't been this moved
since Heidi.
Okay, Joe. You're home.
RADAR: Home?
Oh, boy.
Ooh! Jeez. I've had it.
Oh, you have hurt neck.
I fix for you.
Oh, no, no, no, no! Thanks.
I know a lot of doctors here.
Oh, I'm much better.
Hold still.
-[crack]
-Ooh.
How's that, sir?
Better. Different.
Good.
That'll be four bucks.
NURSE: Hey, look!
It's Radar! Radar is back!
[all clamoring]
Hey, don't push,
okay, guys? I gotta--
Radar! Ha-ha!
-Welcome back, son.
-Thank you, sir.
I think I missed you even more
than I miss Mildred.
Whoo! Get a whiff of him!
We're standing around
in a coal mine,
and he's been wrestling
with every woman in Tokyo.
It was four guys
that got me
to smell like this.
-Uh-huh.
-As long as you
had a good time.
What happened to you?
Huh? Oh, that's
just a reminder
that my finger
is sprained.
You got back
in the nick of time.
While you were away, both
our generators went AWOL.
Absent without
electricity.
Oh, jeez. I should've
stayed at the airport.
KLINGER:
Radar, Radar, Radar!
You've come back to me!
Ah, thank you, thank you!
Let me carry you
to your office.
The phone awaits.
-You even smell wonderful.
-Ow!
Now, wait just
a doggone minute!
I just got back,
for criminy sakes!
I want to get somethin'
to eat and take a shower.
No time for the shower,
son.
And the only grub
we got is C-rations.
We'll deliver 'em to ya.
Colonel,
I'm tired and I'm hungry,
and I smell like my cow
Betsy before a show.
Wow. If he wants
to take a shower,
it must be an emergency.
[all chattering]
I don't know what
the big deal is anyway.
A generator's only
a three-call finagle.
I mean, a couple boxes
of toilet paper here,
a canned ham there,
there'll be all kinds of trucks
rollin' in with generators.
Well, if it's that easy,
no sense putting it off.
-Oh, gee.
-Come on.
-Okay, Klinger.
-[all cheering]
Just pay attention
for a second, Klinger,
and this--
Oh, my gosh.
Oh! Look what you've
done to this place!
You shamble-ized it!
I didn't get a chance
to tidy this morning.
Get out of here, Klinger!
But Colonel Potter said
for me to watch y--
Go! Go! Get away from me
before I get physically
emotional.
Okay, okay.
Boy, you sure don't act
as sweet as you smell.
-Out!
-I'm out!
[sighs] Jeez, you go away
for a little R&R,
and this place goes to heck
in a handbasket.
Hello? Hi, Sparky.
Sparky, it's Radar.
Yes, I'm back.
I wish I wasn't.
Huh? Hu--
You're telling me!
You should see the way
he left this place.
What do you expect? He's one
of those big-city yokels.
Yeah. Well, I guess it's
a bear we all gotta cross.
Sparky, listen. We could
use a generator here.
Well, I could let you have
an inflatable wading pool.
I got a neat collection
of Spike Jones records
with a lot of burps
and [gulps] on 'em.
Yeah? And guess what.
I can give you a really
sexy-smelling duffel bag.
Huh?
Well, is it a deal?
What do you mean, no?
Well, there's gotta be a
generator around somewhere.
Hey, hey! There he is!
Welcome, kid.
It's not often we get
a savior in the place.
Oh, knock it off one time,
will ya, Klinger?
Sorry about the mess.
I cleaned it for two hours.
There was another mess
under it.
So tell me. How did you
finally get the generator?
-I didn't.
-Come on.
I'm tellin' ya.
I couldn't get one.
What? You failed?
Grape Nehi.
Hold the straw.
Kid, I'm sorry.
Don't worry though.
You'll bounce back.
You're young.
You got a lot of talent.
-Oh, ick. It's warm!
-Sure it is.
The recipe for ice
is water and electricity.
Oh, boy. One break.
I can't catch one lousy break.
I have a cruddy time in Tokyo.
Then I meet a girl
for the first time
in our lives,
and I get dragged
away from her.
Then I nearly die
on the way home here,
and then when I get here,
I let everybody down.
To top it all off,
my Nehi's warm!
Go ahead.
Spill your guts out, soldier.
That's what I'm here for.
My finger looks like it belongs
on Mickey Mouse's hand.
I think it looks just swell.
This could be a serious
injury, you know.
There could be broken
blood vessels in there,
loss of circulation.
When are your parents
coming for you?
Does it look blue to you?
No. It seems just as happy
as the other fingers.
Either of you seen Radar?
Last I saw him, he was
in the Officers Club
having a touch of the grape.
Why? What's wrong?
Plenty.
I just got a wire
from the boy's mother in Iowa.
Radar's uncle Ed passed away.
Oy.
Yeah. Oy.
Join the army
and see the dawn.
[jets roar overhead]
There go the milkmen.
What'd your mom
say, Radar?
Mostly that she's okay.
Uncle Ed's funeral
is tomorrow.
Everybody in Ottumwa
is gonna be there.
Except me.
Our neighbor Mr. Whitsett said
he would look after the farm
till everything's settled.
Then Mom can take over
for herself.
She says it's about time
she gets off her fat
you-know-what anyway.
It's not gonna be easy
for her, though, is it?
As I remember, the lady has
some high blood pressure.
Yep. A little arthritis
when it rains, too.
But she says she's fine.
Quite a woman,
your mother.
Yeah. I know.
Takes after her son.
How about you, Radar?
You all right?
Huh? Yeah. I'm okay.
I mean, I don't wanna be,
but I guess I have to be.
I'm the man
of the family now.
That's right, son.
And you're going home.
Go get yourself a DA-7
hardship discharge
and type your name on it.
I'm goin' home, sir?
Radar, Lord knows your mother
is a strong woman,
but she won't make it alone.
You oughta be there with her.
You heard him right, Radar.
Your time has come.
I'll notify the Red Cross,
and they'll have I-Corps
process you tout de suite.
You should be home in time
for Sunday night supper.
Save some leftovers
for us.
Home. I'm going home?
Where you belong.
Just like that.
Yep. Just like that.
Radar,
I'm very happy for ya.
Yeah. I'm happy for me too.
I guess.
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Chicken noodle soup.
It's an instant soup,
but don't bad-mouth that.
A work of sorcerers,
that radio.
Here we are on the other
side of the world,
and we can listen
to Arthur Godfrey.
CHARLES:
Placing us among that elite
group of surgeons
privileged to operate
by ukulele.
HAWKEYE: Our radio station
back home once held a contest
to guess how many
freckles he has.
B.J.: The decision of the
dermatologist is final.
Comin' through!
Comin' through!
Who ordered a casualty?
Right here, camel breath.
With all due respect, sir,
better to breathe
like a camel
-than look like one.
-[mock chuckle]
How are ya? How are ya?
How are ya?
Oh, suck it
up your snout.
This is a tough audience
for you, Klinger.
You're right. I gotta
get out of these lounges
and start playing
the big rooms.
Let's take a look in there.
Give me the rib spreader.
Rib spreader.
-[all exclaiming]
-What is it? Again?
Come on with the lights!
-POTTER: Get some
lanterns in here!
-Ow! Margaret
you've caught my finger
in the spreader!
-Jeez!
-I'm sorry, Doctor!
I can't see!
I thought that damn generator
was supposed to be fixed.
Klinger, where are you?
KLINGER:
Hiding from you, sir.
Triple-time
out to that contraption
and see what's going on.
If it's kaput,
crank up the auxiliary.
KLINGER: I'll fix it.
It knows the sting of my boot.
How's the digit, Pierce?
Throbbing along nicely,
thank you.
MARGARET: I said I was
sorry, Dr. Martyr.
This doesn't surprise me
with you running
the maintenance
section, Zale.
Probably the first time
you've seen the inside
of one of these.
Don't get too close,
Klinger.
You'll catch your nose
in the driveshaft.
You wouldn't know where
to find the driveshaft.
You keep crowdin' me,
I'll know where to find it!
I'll start the backup
generator.
Why don't you do that?
Good ol' Zale.
The army's first career chimp.
Oh, no, no, no!
Great! Terrific! Just dandy!
Hey, Bonzo, the auxiliary
generator is missing!
What? You think
somebody stole it?
No. It made electricity
and walked out under
its own power.
Shine it right
in the gory stuff, son.
Carolina cow pies!
What are they doin'?
Stringin' Christmas lights
out there?
Damn! I'll be glad
when Radar gets back.
B.J.: Will you
center that light?
I've lost a clamp in there.
What's the matter,
Hunnicutt?
Don't you like playing
"blind surgeon's bluff"?
-HAWKEYE: Retractor.
-Retractor.
Aah! Margaret,
you're gonna have to
hold that back for me.
It hurts that badly?
No. I always keep both
eyes in the same socket.
I'm really sorry.
It's not your fault.
We should've used
the rib spreader
with the night light on it.
- Suction here.
- Suction's out, Colonel.
Oh, yeah.
Well, pack in some sponges.
Come on, Klinger!
I'm a romantic,
but soft lights and surgery
just don't mix.
Okay.
I think she's ready.
Turn it on!
Okay. I'll turn it on.
[motor whirring fitfully]
Yeah, yeah. This baby's
just like my wife.
You know, you give her
a little extra attention
once in a while
-and she purrs like a kitten.
-[engine sputters, stops]
-[grumbles]
-Your wife's a lemon, Zale.
-[sparking]
-I don't like the sound of
that sizzle. Turn it off!
You turn it off!
Here's how I see it, Zale.
On the way over
to tell Colonel Potter,
maybe we'll get lucky
and step on a land mine.
Hey, listen. If I'm
not back to my unit
by oh-noon-hundred,
I'm gonna be AWOL
without leave.
My heart bleeds,
but I've gotta bump ya.
General Imbrie needs that seat
to carry his likeness.
-His what?
-A five-foot cardboard
cutout he made of himself.
It's his Christmas
present to his troops.
It's not even near Christmas.
When you're a general,
you can have Christmas
any time you want.
The bigger they are,
the weirder they are.
Well, it's not fair.
Nobody should be allowed
to take up two seats,
no matter how many
of 'em he is.
First time I ever seen anybody
in a hurry to get to Korea.
Relax. There's another
flight in six hours.
Six hour--
-Hey, Mac?
-The name's Olsen.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Olsen?
How'd you like to make
a little green stuff, huh?
How much?
I got four bucks
that ain't doin' nothin'.
Get me that seat,
and they're all yours.
Scram.
Two now.
Two when you deliver.
Get lost.
Boy, some guys
just can't be bought.
Hello.
I wasn't staring
at you, honest.
I was just-- I was lookin'
at the garbage can.
-That's a good one. Oh, boy.
-[laughs]
-Where are you headed?
-Me? Korea. The war.
I'm company clerk
at the 4077th MASH.
I run things.
-You work in a MASH?
-Mm-hmm.
I volunteered for a MASH,
but it never came through.
I spent my whole tour
at Tokyo General.
I'm Patty Haven.
Oh, you are?
Oh, I'm Walter O'Radar--
I mean, I'm Walter O'Reilly.
But you can call me Radar
or Corporal.
-So you're a nurse?
-Yeah. Right.
I love nurses--
respect-wise, I mean.
The nurses back at the 4077th
are really tops.
I mean, they put in
more hours than the doctors.
They never complain or nothin'
although Major Houlihan
would kill 'em if they did.
-I bought 'em perfume.
-Oh!
Yeah. It's French.
It's made by a little
Japanese guy on the Ginza.
Good stuff. Smells good.
That's very
thoughtful of you.
So which where
are you headed to?
Home.
Oh.
Lancaster, Missouri.
Lancaster?
Wow. That's only about 100
miles from where I'm from--
Ottumwa, Iowa.
You're from Ottumwa?
Yeah.
Gee, isn't that amazing?
Boy, I sure am glad
that general screwed me over.
Give him a quarter gram
of morphine.
♪ Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
♪ It's off to work we go
♪♪ [humming melody]
♪ Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho
-Hello.
-Who are you?
Young Dr. Pierce,
better known as The Shadow...
specializing in surgery
and lurking in the dark.
-How long am I gonna
hurt like this?
-Two or three days...
and then the pain'll subside.
Think of it as a typical weekend
in Cleveland. You can make it.
Ow!
Just what I need:
10% off on my fingers.
Pierce and anybody else
who might be out there.
Hi, Colonel. When are we gonna
get back to the 20th century?
We're not talkin'
chipped beef here.
Generators are mighty scarce.
It'd be easier to find
a buffalo in Times Square.
Colonel, can you grope your
way down here for a minute?
-That you, Hunnicutt?
-Mm-hmm.
Keep talkin'. I'll find ya.
Ah, Padre. We sure could use
some of your enlightenment
around here.
I'd say a special prayer,
but we've never come up with
a patron saint of electricity.
Got a distended abdomen here.
I need some gastric suction.
You're right. You wanna
evac him over to the 8063rd?
I don't think
he'd enjoy the ride.
Well, when the chips
are down,
you go back to the basics.
We'll whomp up
a good old-fashioned,
hand-operated
Wangensteen suction.
Wangensteen?
Those things went out
with rumble seats.
I've never even
heard of that.
It's a thingamabob
dreamed up in the '30s
by a Dr. Owen Wangensteen.
I'll go over to the lab
and get what we need.
Forget the lab. We gotta
go Wangensteen one bigger.
What we need's
in the kitchen.
Anything but the food.
That kid's sick enough
already.
I know it's 6:00
in the morning, Lieutenant,
but I've got to talk
to General MacArthur.
Just tell him
Max Klinger's on the phone.
Yeah. He knows me.
I've been sending him
love letters for a year.
Hello? Hello!
See if he gets
my vote for dictator.
You get one, Klinger?
Sir, I have gone
through this whole book.
I even tried to reach
a North Korean unit.
If there's an extra
generator in Asia,
nobody's talking about it.
Pigeon pellets!
Get on the track
and go it again.
And while you're at it,
make arrangements
with the 8063rd
to babysit our more
serious patients.
Then find out where we
can store our blood
and perishable drugs.
Got it?
I got it, sir.
Right after breakfast.
Now, Klinger. Move it.
Right, sir. Famine is fun.
Klinger, I didn't mean
to hurt your fe--
Nobody wants Radar
back more than me, sir.
Move it!
-You know what I
miss the most?
-Uh-uh.
Curling up in front
of a fireplace
during a rainstorm.
-Oh, yeah.
-And after it's over,
the hay smells so sweet,
you wanna fight the animals
for a taste of it.
I like the rain too.
'Cept I'm usually sweeping
mud off the porch for days.
-You like grape Nehi?
-I adore grape Nehi.
-No kidding?
-Yeah.
Wow! Hey, maybe when
the snack bar opens,
we could split one, huh?
I'd love it.
So what are you gonna do
when you get out
of the service, Radar?
Well, I don't really
know for sure yet.
I do know I want
to stay around Ottumwa.
That's where
all my family is--
my mom and my uncle Ed.
It's been sort of
real rough on 'em,
trying to run
the farm alone.
I mean, my mom's health
is only fair,
and Uncle Ed isn't
as young as me anymore.
You'd like my Uncle Ed though.
He knows every joke that's ever
been told.
Couple of'em are even funny.
-Maybe someday I'll meet him
and your mom.
-Yeah. Sure.
-Yeah.
-OLSEN: Hey, buddy!
You! Lover boy.
I got you on a cargo
flight to Kimpo.
Uh, no, thanks. I'll wait.
It's warmin' up right now.
Hangar number 4.
Uh, look, I appreciate it,
but no thanks anyhow.
I'll just wait
for my regular flight.
Listen, bub.
I held up a footlocker
to make room for you.
Get out there.
I'll give you four bucks
to forget the whole thing.
Get out there.
Two now and--
Damn. I mean, shoot.
I was even gonna buy you
breakfast and everything.
I'm glad I met you, Radar.
Yeah. But it was only
for less than an hour.
Lancaster's only
100 miles from Ottumwa.
Hey, yeah. And I could
drive my Uncle Ed's
Studebaker there
as long as I stop for water
every 10 minutes.
Romeo, it's time to hit
the wild blue yonder.
Listen. Let's look
for each other
back home, okay?
Promise.
Promise.
POTTER: Get it before
it rots, people.
This is the last
fresh food you'll have
till we find a new generator.
He wants some more meat loaf.
She'll have another
slab of liver.
A good breakfast'll
stick to your ribs.
I think I can live
with no electricity
and even with boiling
my instruments,
but I draw the line
at liver hanging
from my ribs.
How can you expect me
to eat all this?
I can't even lift it.
Come on, Margaret.
I can always count
on you to pack it away.
What?
Yet somehow you still manage
to keep that girlish figure.
-That's better.
-Just a roll
and two pats of that lard
you're passing off
as butter, if you will.
And a side
of everything else.
Lean heavy on
the halibut patties.
No. Colonel, no. I--
I despise halibut patties.
You'll love these,
and that's an order.
I'll never forget you
for this. [groans]
Colonel,
the Koreans are here.
Fine. Have 'em belly up
to the buffet.
ZALE: Okay, people.
Come on in now.
Hey, hey! Single file.
No buttin' in.
POTTER: Now,
don't be shy, folks.
I know you're guests,
but this has all got to go.
So don't be afraid to ask
for seconds-- even tenths!
Would you care for an aperitif?
Could I interest you in some
halibut patties?
Perhaps for your ox?
There's one advantage to having
a bum finger: I can't pick up
the fork.
You don't have to.
This food comes when
you call it.
The sad thing is,
one man's poison
is another man's meat.
RADAR: Hey, could you
please kind of step on it?
I'm about 20 miles
an hour too late.
Take it easy, mac.
Boy, for a guy
who just got off R&R,
you sure are
a nervous Nellie.
Well, I'm sorry.
I had a rough life
the last two weeks.
You should've seen
how they crushed me
into the back
of that cargo plane.
Crunched me
in the back seat of a jeep
that was lyin' on its side.
I was gettin' carsick
and airsick at the same time.
I wouldn't have minded so much
if I was squeezed in there
with Patty.
Who?
My gal.
I had to leave her behind.
You know it is.
SOLDIER:
Hey, it's LaGrow.
Sarge,
this is your big chance
to save Uncle Sam
three pairs of boots.
How lucky can I get?
Okay, you clowns, come on.
Hey, fellas, you know what?
I don't think there's enough
room for all of us in here.
Hey, who's this?
Guy from a MASH.
I'm givin' him a lift. Come on.
Uh, look. One guy
could just wait
for a jeep, you know.
There'll be one passin' by
pretty soon, I'm sure.
You know, like, one guy
could wait right there.
What the heck.
I was the first one on.
Figures I oughta be
the first one off.
I had part of a ride,
anyway.
Could you give me
my duffel bag, please?
Sure.
Hey, be careful!
[grunts]
Oh, now you got it
full of broken perfume!
Well, there she is:
Dr. Wangensteen's
magic suction machine.
Why do I feel as though we've
hooked him up to a still?
Colonel, how on earth
does this thing work?
Simple, really. The pickle
jar here is empty.
The mustard jug
has fluid in it.
When it's turned up like this
and I release this clamp,
the fluid flows through here,
causes the suction
in the nasogastric tube,
and the aspirated material
collects down here
in the chipped beef can.
Remarkable.
And very handy
if we wanna put him
on intravenous hotdogs.
Normally you'd use
I.V. bottles, but the jugs
are bigger,
and they give it a homey touch.
Colonel, permission
to let you down.
I don't wanna hear it.
Then I'll just cry
on your buttons.
There's not a generator
to be had anyplace.
Please.
Just label me a failure
and let me live out
my life in peaceful shame.
I haven't been this moved
since Heidi.
Okay, Joe. You're home.
RADAR: Home?
Oh, boy.
Ooh! Jeez. I've had it.
Oh, you have hurt neck.
I fix for you.
Oh, no, no, no, no! Thanks.
I know a lot of doctors here.
Oh, I'm much better.
Hold still.
-[crack]
-Ooh.
How's that, sir?
Better. Different.
Good.
That'll be four bucks.
NURSE: Hey, look!
It's Radar! Radar is back!
[all clamoring]
Hey, don't push,
okay, guys? I gotta--
Radar! Ha-ha!
-Welcome back, son.
-Thank you, sir.
I think I missed you even more
than I miss Mildred.
Whoo! Get a whiff of him!
We're standing around
in a coal mine,
and he's been wrestling
with every woman in Tokyo.
It was four guys
that got me
to smell like this.
-Uh-huh.
-As long as you
had a good time.
What happened to you?
Huh? Oh, that's
just a reminder
that my finger
is sprained.
You got back
in the nick of time.
While you were away, both
our generators went AWOL.
Absent without
electricity.
Oh, jeez. I should've
stayed at the airport.
KLINGER:
Radar, Radar, Radar!
You've come back to me!
Ah, thank you, thank you!
Let me carry you
to your office.
The phone awaits.
-You even smell wonderful.
-Ow!
Now, wait just
a doggone minute!
I just got back,
for criminy sakes!
I want to get somethin'
to eat and take a shower.
No time for the shower,
son.
And the only grub
we got is C-rations.
We'll deliver 'em to ya.
Colonel,
I'm tired and I'm hungry,
and I smell like my cow
Betsy before a show.
Wow. If he wants
to take a shower,
it must be an emergency.
[all chattering]
I don't know what
the big deal is anyway.
A generator's only
a three-call finagle.
I mean, a couple boxes
of toilet paper here,
a canned ham there,
there'll be all kinds of trucks
rollin' in with generators.
Well, if it's that easy,
no sense putting it off.
-Oh, gee.
-Come on.
-Okay, Klinger.
-[all cheering]
Just pay attention
for a second, Klinger,
and this--
Oh, my gosh.
Oh! Look what you've
done to this place!
You shamble-ized it!
I didn't get a chance
to tidy this morning.
Get out of here, Klinger!
But Colonel Potter said
for me to watch y--
Go! Go! Get away from me
before I get physically
emotional.
Okay, okay.
Boy, you sure don't act
as sweet as you smell.
-Out!
-I'm out!
[sighs] Jeez, you go away
for a little R&R,
and this place goes to heck
in a handbasket.
Hello? Hi, Sparky.
Sparky, it's Radar.
Yes, I'm back.
I wish I wasn't.
Huh? Hu--
You're telling me!
You should see the way
he left this place.
What do you expect? He's one
of those big-city yokels.
Yeah. Well, I guess it's
a bear we all gotta cross.
Sparky, listen. We could
use a generator here.
Well, I could let you have
an inflatable wading pool.
I got a neat collection
of Spike Jones records
with a lot of burps
and [gulps] on 'em.
Yeah? And guess what.
I can give you a really
sexy-smelling duffel bag.
Huh?
Well, is it a deal?
What do you mean, no?
Well, there's gotta be a
generator around somewhere.
Hey, hey! There he is!
Welcome, kid.
It's not often we get
a savior in the place.
Oh, knock it off one time,
will ya, Klinger?
Sorry about the mess.
I cleaned it for two hours.
There was another mess
under it.
So tell me. How did you
finally get the generator?
-I didn't.
-Come on.
I'm tellin' ya.
I couldn't get one.
What? You failed?
Grape Nehi.
Hold the straw.
Kid, I'm sorry.
Don't worry though.
You'll bounce back.
You're young.
You got a lot of talent.
-Oh, ick. It's warm!
-Sure it is.
The recipe for ice
is water and electricity.
Oh, boy. One break.
I can't catch one lousy break.
I have a cruddy time in Tokyo.
Then I meet a girl
for the first time
in our lives,
and I get dragged
away from her.
Then I nearly die
on the way home here,
and then when I get here,
I let everybody down.
To top it all off,
my Nehi's warm!
Go ahead.
Spill your guts out, soldier.
That's what I'm here for.
My finger looks like it belongs
on Mickey Mouse's hand.
I think it looks just swell.
This could be a serious
injury, you know.
There could be broken
blood vessels in there,
loss of circulation.
When are your parents
coming for you?
Does it look blue to you?
No. It seems just as happy
as the other fingers.
Either of you seen Radar?
Last I saw him, he was
in the Officers Club
having a touch of the grape.
Why? What's wrong?
Plenty.
I just got a wire
from the boy's mother in Iowa.
Radar's uncle Ed passed away.
Oy.
Yeah. Oy.
Join the army
and see the dawn.
[jets roar overhead]
There go the milkmen.
What'd your mom
say, Radar?
Mostly that she's okay.
Uncle Ed's funeral
is tomorrow.
Everybody in Ottumwa
is gonna be there.
Except me.
Our neighbor Mr. Whitsett said
he would look after the farm
till everything's settled.
Then Mom can take over
for herself.
She says it's about time
she gets off her fat
you-know-what anyway.
It's not gonna be easy
for her, though, is it?
As I remember, the lady has
some high blood pressure.
Yep. A little arthritis
when it rains, too.
But she says she's fine.
Quite a woman,
your mother.
Yeah. I know.
Takes after her son.
How about you, Radar?
You all right?
Huh? Yeah. I'm okay.
I mean, I don't wanna be,
but I guess I have to be.
I'm the man
of the family now.
That's right, son.
And you're going home.
Go get yourself a DA-7
hardship discharge
and type your name on it.
I'm goin' home, sir?
Radar, Lord knows your mother
is a strong woman,
but she won't make it alone.
You oughta be there with her.
You heard him right, Radar.
Your time has come.
I'll notify the Red Cross,
and they'll have I-Corps
process you tout de suite.
You should be home in time
for Sunday night supper.
Save some leftovers
for us.
Home. I'm going home?
Where you belong.
Just like that.
Yep. Just like that.
Radar,
I'm very happy for ya.
Yeah. I'm happy for me too.
I guess.
♪♪ [theme]