M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 25 - April Fools - full transcript
Spit and polish Colonel Tucker visits the camp at the worst time during April Fool's Day. Klinger, egged on by Sergeant Rizzo, uses reverse psychology to try to get out of the Army.
♪♪ [theme]
This war has definitely
lost its allure.
[groans]
My "sediments" exactly.
If we didn't have such
a terrific union here,
I'd put in my
two-week notice.
But I'm too weak.
My dogs only barked this bad
once before, back
in the cavalry.
I got blottoed and did the
Charleston with a Shetland pony.
Colonel, don't tempt me.
I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse--
saddle, rider and all.
Which is undoubtedly better
than what's awaiting us now
in the Mess Tent--
ptomaine au gratin.
Take heart,
famished friends.
I brought in
after-surgery snacks.
-Actual edibles from Peg.
-Ah, brownies! Dibs! Dibs!
And homemade fruit cocktail
for our peach of a colonel.
Ah, sweet cubes of delight.
♪ At last I've found you
What else? Pralines!
Ah, pralines!
The South's
only contribution
to civilization.
-Don't be shy, Charles.
-[shouts]
[laughing]
Hey, Charles, beware
the perils of praline.
-Brilliant, Doctor.
-Dagnabit!
You two should be
ashamed of yourselves.
What's next, whoopee cushions
on the wheelchairs?
The true cruelty
of this lame jest
is that there are no pralines.
[Margaret screams]
-Did you--
-[screams]
All right. Who left the
dead minnows in my pocket?
They were alive when
I put them there.
You've killed them!
[laughing]
-Et tu, Winchester?
-Go ahead and laugh, guys.
There are plenty
of minnows in the sea.
-A Houlihan never forgets.
-"Et three," Margaret?
-What's going on here?
-'Tis the season
to be silly, Colonel.
-April one-eth is at hand.
-Bushwa!
My Farmer's Almanac
says it's still March.
Oh, but Colonel, I mean,
the festive spirit
of April Fool
can scarcely be contained
within a mere 24-hour period.
And there are only
a few joking days left.
Okay, okay.
But just include me out.
"Understandez" vous?
Colonel, how could
you even think it?
-Your persona is truly hallowed.
-And don't you forget it.
Besides which,
I've seen 'em all.
Okay, Sparky, I got it.
Ah, the early bird colonel
gets the words.
TWX for you, sir.
-Surgeon General's Office,
8th Army.
-Thank you.
Sir, I must protest the rash
of mindless pranks
being perpetrated
around here.
Good morning, Padre.
Or should I say "Padress"?
Colonel, there's
no humor in this.
While I was showering,
somebody stole my robe
and left me this...
this... house frock!
Better not take it off, Father.
You'll be a defrocked priest.
Klinger, how would you like
to get the last rites...
and a few lefts?
Holster thy knuckles, Padre.
This, too, shall pass.
It better.
-[wolf whistles]
-Oh, shut up!
Now that Gorgeous George
is gone, can we get back to--
Holy hemostat!
-We're in for it now.
-For what, sir?
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker,
lord high executioner
of the surgeon general's
office,
is coming to observe
our medical setup.
Observe doesn't
sound too scary.
This fella can observe
you to smithereens.
From what I hear, he's a
fire and brimstone doctor
with a three-second fuse.
A stickler's stickler.
Quotes army medical
regs by memory
especially the part
on courts-martial.
Uh, sir, about that three-day
pass I just decided to ask for.
Nix on passes.
This is an A-1,
four-alarm,
red, white
and blue alert.
Allah be praised I was
too stupid to get
into med school.
Yeah, well, you got
enough smarts to shape
up these files.
He's gonna examine everything
from "A" to "Z" and then some.
And medical supplies.
Order everything you can order,
including order forms.
But, sir, I'm already
drowning in paperwork.
Well, hold onto your honker and
tread water if you have to,
just do it!
KLINGER: Let's go!
Let's go!
-Mayday! Mayday!
-Hey.
Big meeting in
the colonel's office.
Everybody up.
Somebody kill
that man, quietly.
I got a million
other things to do.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's get up.
All right. But only long enough
to push your ears together.
Klinger, did you see
anybody else lurking
around here earlier?
No. Oh, yeah! I think I saw
Major Houlihan leaving. Why?
Because there's something
besides my foot in my boot.
And from the size of the lumps,
I'd say it was oatmeal.
Word is, this Tucker hombre
is tougher than beef jerky
and harder to swallow.
We're talking about a man
who picks his teeth
with a rusty nail.
So, for the sake of me
and my eagles
which I worked
so hard to get
there will be no, I repeat,
nada in the way of larks
antics or shenanigans
while he's here.
-Got it?
-Got it.
Loud and-or clear, sir.
-Pierce?
-Thanks for the
room service, Margaret.
I always did like
breakfast in boot.
I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
-Don't worry about me, sir.
-I owe you one.
Wait a minute.
Pierce, are you "deef"?
I'm giving your hijinks
the heave-ho, post haste.
I'm the boss here!
I can do that!
-I heard you, Colonel.
-And?
And I'll follow your
instructions to the letter.
Fine, fine. I knew you wouldn't
let your revered leader down.
But just in case, check your
joy buzzers at the door.
Dismissed.
-She who laughs last--
-Yeah.
[chuckles]
I'm gonna get her.
Pierce, you are "deef."
Didn't you hear what
Potter said?
All he said was no jokes
while Tucker's here.
Well, Tucker's
not here yet,
so how long you think
it would take us to
fire Margaret
out of a canon?
-[chuckling]
-That's such a good idea.
-What? What?
-Uh, no more.
I don't want to get Potter
in hot water.
-What?
-No more.
Pierce, let's call
a temporary cease prank.
Oh, so I'm on my own, huh?
No help will be forthcoming
from the guy who had "Kilroy"
painted on his head
while he slept.
Or the fire breathing fellow
who found Tabasco
in his mouthwash.
All courtesy of
Margaret the menace.
Maybe one more.
-[chuckling]
-Oh, good.
Rizzo.
Rizzo.
Wake up, Rizzo.
Why? Is it lunch time?
-Good, I could use a break.
-No, no, no.
Unfortunately,
some colonel's coming
to look us over,
so I'll need your help
in post-op.
Post-op?
Great.
They got real beds
over there.
Boy, nothing gets to you,
does it?
Why should it?
I got a good life.
Room, board,
16 hours of sleep a day.
But this place stinks.
Hey, Klinger,
you got it all wrong.
Step into my office, son.
Look, the Army is a breeze...
once you get the hang
of the Luther Rizzo
secret of military success.
What is it?
-Never smile.
-Huh?
The Army hates
to see a man grin.
It makes 'em think
they've failed somehow.
But moan and groan
and carry on,
they'll leave you all
to your lonesome.
Long as they know you're
miserable, they're happy.
-You're kidding.
-If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
You can do anything
you want in the Army.
Just act like
you don't want to do it.
I'm livin' proof.
Hey, play your cards right,
and some day, Klinger,
all this can be yours.
-That's it.
-What?
-Reverse psychology.
-Huh?
-The army always does
the opposite.
-That's it!
If a guy wants out,
he should act like
he wants to stay in.
Yeah! Want out?
Is your hat on too tight?
Where else can you be a bum
and get paid for it?
-I've been doing it all wrong.
-Yeah.
-I'll be the world's
greatest soldier.
-Right.
-Make 'em think
I love the Army.
-Right.
Then, and only then,
I'll pull the old switcheroo.
-All right!
-Rizzo, you're a genius!
-I know, I know.
-Listen, you stay here.
I'll get somebody else
to help in post-op.
Good. And have 'em send
me over a pillow, huh?
[gasps]
Those weasels! Oh!
Oh, this time,
they've gone too far!
Just--Pierce, get up,
you tent napper!
-[screams]
-[laughing]
Good, Margaret.
Very good.
[laughing continues]
-Where is my tent?
-We pitched it somewhere.
-You crumbs! You crumbs!
-Margaret!
-Where is my tent?
-We gave it to a dog.
-Now it's a pup tent.
-You idiot!
Ah, don't hit a pillow
when it's down!
[shouting, laughing]
-What's going on here?
-Uh--
-These crumbs stole my tent.
-Now, Margaret, let's try
to be accurate.
I'm the only crumb here.
He's a schmo, and he's an idiot.
-No, he's the idiot,
and he's the schmo.
-This is disgraceful.
-Absolutely disgraceful.
-You know, you're right.
They just don't make pillows
the way they used to.
Please forgive our antics, sir.
A bit of harmless fun.
Uh--Uh, I, uh--
I take it our, uh, feathers
don't tickle your fancy.
I am Colonel
Daniel Webster Tucker,
8th Army,
Surgeon General's Office
here to observe your
medical staff in action.
Now, who in the hell
are you people?
-Actually, we're just
the medical staff.
-How are we doing so far?
I want to see your
commanding officer immediately.
I hope he at least is
a responsible professional.
What in the name of
Marco Blessed Polo
is going on here?
Oh. How do? Uh--
You would have to be
Colonel Tucker, right?
And you would have to be
Colonel Potter.
My God, Potter, what kind of
place are you running here?
Don't you have one
competent person here?
Colonel Tucker, sir.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
reporting.
Aide-de-campe
to top brass everywhere.
Sir, your quarters have been
prepared with fresh linen,
fresh fruit and
fresh air.
Also present,
a record player complete
with five
John Philip Sousa albums
several rum-soaked,
precut Cuban cigars
and your favorite
liquid refreshment,
a shot and a beer.
And here, sir, is today's copy
of Stars and Stripes.
Well, this is more like it.
If you're ready, sir,
your tent is over there.
Fine, Corporal.
I will turn in now.
And I'll see you and your people
tomorrow morning, Colonel.
[yawns]
I am kind of sleepy myself.
-I think I'll hit
the old sackeroo.
-CHARLES: Capital idea.
Halt! About face!
Oh, you're a peck
of pips, all right.
Despite my direct orders,
you just had to put
"Be stupid" first
on your list of things
to do today!
-We're very sorry, Colonel.
-I'm not sorry!
-You're the jackasses
who did this!
-[overlapping dialog]
Silencio!
The senior inspecting officer
from the whole Far East
medical command
comes in here at full boil
so you jokers
have to turn up the heat.
Guarantees we'll all be wearing
his boot prints tomorrow
no matter how spiffy
we carry on!
Thank you all very much!
Good grief, Margaret.
Where in the name of
Carrie's corset is your tent?
POTTER: Well, Colonel,
didn't take long for you
to get a chance to see
our people in action.
TUCKER:
I saw them in action
last night, Colonel.
-Carry on.
-KLINGER: Good morning, sir.
Sorry you were
out of your tent
before I could
serve your breakfast.
However,
I did leave the figures
for this week's wounded,
a map I drew up
of the camp,
and discount coupons for
the Officers Club on your bed.
Which I made.
With hospital corners. Sir.
BJ: Klinger,
you're groveling
without a license.
TUCKER: You foul balls
could take a lesson from
this fine trooper.
KLINGER: I'd blush, sir,
but I don't have the time.
Idle hands are
the devil's workshop.
MARGARET: Sir,
I'm really sorry about
what happened last night.
TUCKER: As well
you should be, Major.
CHARLES: Ah-ha.
Voila.
Nice work, Charles.
For a foul ball, you sure
know your way around
the old chest cavity.
[laughs]
Thank you, Hunnicutt.
Yes, it was rather
exceptional work.
-Would you agree, Colonel?
-What do you want, a medal?
Hey, he just saved
this kid's life.
Isn't that the general
idea here, Doctor?
HAWKEYE:
What's the matter, Colonel?
Get up on the wrong side of
the world this morning?
You concentrate
on your patient.
Try to give him
the same attention
you give your pillow fights.
POTTER: Colonel,
I'll admit
we've got a full rack of
eight balls here,
but when it comes to cutting,
these people are the real McCoy.
I should hope so.
I assume they've all been
to medical school.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I should give the good doctors
a round of applause
for doing their jobs.
Hear, hear, Doctors.
Hear, hear.
Here we are, sir.
Our post-operative unit.
Now, if you'll
excuse me, sir,
I must fill out daily reports
and deliver mail.
Oh, my stars!
I've been meaning to lube
and oil the colonel's jeep.
Permission to lube
and oil, sir.
Permission granted.
-That man's a jewel.
-There he is, our very own
ray of sunstroke.
Notice how his sneer
lights up the room?
Well, what do you
expect from him
after the impression
we made last night?
-Are you tired, Captain?
-As a matter of fact, I am.
I was up very early
performing surgery.
You were also up very
late performing idiocy.
Lieutenant, is there an order
for an I.V. after this one?
-No, sir. But Captain Pierce--
-I'll handle this, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
Can I help, Colonel?
Just having a little look-see,
Doctor. That's all.
This is my patient.
You have any questions, ask me.
Why, Doctor, you don't have
anything to hide, do you?
Only my outrage. You know,
you really are a sanctimonious--
Hawk, no, let me--
Colonel, I really must voice
my resentment concerning
your attitude.
No, you mustn't.
What you really must do
is keep your mouth shut.
-I beg your--
-Sir, we all know
that you're really just trying
to do a very difficult job--
-Don't patronize me, Major.
-I was trying to support you.
-I hardly need
the support of a woman.
-[gasps] Wh--
I've had it up to here
with all you people.
I'm gonna go clear my throat
with a shot and a beer.
Uh, Colonel,
I wonder if we could have
a four-letter word with you
outside the hospital zone?
Fine.
I'm a reasonable man.
-No fists, no fists.
-Save your hands, Pierce.
Use a rock.
[chuckles]
Tell you what, Colonel.
I'll make a deal with you.
We'll stop breaking pillows,
and you stop breaking our butts.
-How about it?
-I don't make deals.
-Then how about
just acting human?
-Better watch it, Captain.
Yeah. Be careful, Hunnicutt.
It's against protocol
to inform a superior officer
that he is inferior.
This man would have to
work his way up to inferior.
Get this: I'm gonna
shape this place up
and I can't think
of a better way to start
than barring all of you
from medical service.
[laughs] Golly gee, boys
and girls, are we in Dutch.
The colonel's gonna make us
stand in a corner of Korea.
And go to bed
without supper.
For which, Colonel,
I shall be eternally grateful.
[chuckles] Yeah.
You people think you're
very funny, don't you?
Well, I've had it
with you screwballs.
As of right now you're
all on report
for gross insubordination
conduct unbecoming officers,
and anything else
I can think of.
I can't believe that.
You better
believe it, Major.
If I have my way,
you'll all be court-martialed.
And since I'm the man
who makes those decisions,
I always get my way.
Let me see you laugh
that one off, gang.
Klinger, I want you
to find me a cop--
At your service, sir.
What the hell's
going on here?
Well, I'm doing
the daily reports,
Colonel Potter's
correspondence--
I'm not talking about that.
How could I be
so stupid, sir?
You're worried about
your lube job.
I don't understand.
Is there gonna be
a costume party?
Oh, I hope not.
I don't have a thing to wear.
Corporal, are you
feeling all right?
Not really, sir.
It's this desert heat.
-Even the Sphinx is sweating.
-They've broken you.
The only decent soldier here.
They've broken you!
This is tragic.
It's tragic.
You need a long rest
far away from this place.
I dearly hope you're
not talking discharge, sir.
I'd sooner die.
I know it breaks
your heart, soldier,
but trust me,
it's the only way.
With due respect, sir...
as you can plainly see,
I wasn't born yesterday.
You're talking
Section Eight.
How could you
shame me like that?
I'll be the laughingstock
of the Nile!
You're ill, son. Deluded.
Now, you lay down
over here and rest.
It's not your fault.
I know how hard you've tried
to set an example here.
Of course I tried
to set an example.
I am queen of Egypt.
You fought the good fight,
soldier. Now you must rest.
When I leave tomorrow,
you're going with me.
I'm gonna personally see
that your case is expedited.
You'll be stateside
in 72 hours.
Klinger, what
the hell is this?
All hail mighty Caesar.
You look like a furry
Claudette Colbert.
-Get up from there!
-Easy, Potter.
This young trooper has
finally cracked under pressure.
You mean you're
buying this malarkey?
Last time,
he was Snow White.
You let me worry
about this young lad.
You worry about
your medical staff.
I'm bringing them
up on charges.
Hold on there, Colonel.
Let's talk this out
in my office.
There's nothing to talk about.
I'm gonna hang the lot of them.
I just thought of something.
There is not one more free than
someone with nothing to lose.
Catchy, but irrelevant.
Pierce, a truly rational man
does not wax philosophic
when his address is about
to be changed to Leavenworth.
Oh, my God.
That's in Kansas.
Look, we're already getting
busted for insubordination,
so why don't we go out
in a blaze of glory?
-Let the crime
fit the punishment.
-I love it.
-Let's get that twerp.
-Charles?
Pierce,
that is a childish,
totally immature and
petulant suggestion.
When do we nail the swine?
-Yes? Yes?
-What? What?
He's coming with Potter.
They just left the Mess Tent.
Good. Okay, he had dinner.
Now he's gonna get
his just deserts.
I still say we
should wait
until he's sleeping and
glue his feet together.
I prefer more
colorful action.
Perhaps something
involving a cattle prod.
Nice. Nice touch.
-Okay. Come on, Rizzo.
-What?
-We need the table now.
-Why? Is it suppertime?
-Yeah.
-Good. I could use a break.
Oh, boy,
is this gonna be great!
-Oh, there's a table, Colonel.
-Good.
I'll have a shot and a beer.
What'll you have, Colonel?
Uh, Colonel Potter,
can we see you a minute?
Uh, excuse me.
Be back in a minute.
-Something's come up.
-What?
-Tucker's number.
-What?
-Here we are, sir.
One shot of whiskey.
-I ordered a shot and a beer!
-Where's my beer?
-Beer's on you, Colonel.
[laughter]
Bull's-eye, Pierce.
Excellent marksmanship.
[laughter continues]
You jackasses!
Pierce, you imbecile!
Did you know you squish
when you walk?
Nobody does this
to Daniel Webster Tuck--
-What is it? What's wrong?
-It's his heart!
[people gasping]
-Look out. Let me help.
-You get the hell away, Pierce!
-Haven't you done enough?
-Get some blankets!
-Get a cardiac kit!
-Come on, man. Hang in there.
-Pierce--Pierce--
-He's saying something.
-He's asking for you.
-Pierce--
-What is it? I can't hear you.
-Is that you, Pierce?
-Yeah. What is it?
-Just one thing.
April Fool.
What?
[laughing]
I gotcha, Pierce!
I got all of you April fools.
-I got you, got you, got you.
-[Tucker laughing]
I even got that hairy cuckoo.
If he thinks he's
got his Section Eight,
he's really crazy.
You were marvelous, Dan.
A regular Lionel Barrymore.
I loved that line:
"What do you want, a medal?"
It was like shooting
fish in a barrel.
"Hey, you want to step outside
for a little four-letter word?"
I can't believe this!
-You mean the whole--
-We set this up weeks ago.
I knew if Dan pushed
you hard enough
you'd pull a
stupid trick like this.
-You went for it like
a school of hungry carp.
-[all laughing]
I feel the perfect fool.
Fellow jokers, we are in
the presence of greatness.
-Whew!
-We have been royally had.
-Have a beer.
-Have a real one.
So don't feel bad, folks.
You really didn't stand
a snowball's chance
in Guam.
Sherm and I have been doing
this for three wars now.
Of course, things didn't
always work out so good.
Remember the time
we slipped
the rubber hamburgers
into the chow line?
Yeah. Trouble was,
nobody noticed.
HAWKEYE:
You guys must have been
the life of the foxhole.
Come on, Colonel.
I want to get home
to see my mummy.
What's so funny?
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]
This war has definitely
lost its allure.
[groans]
My "sediments" exactly.
If we didn't have such
a terrific union here,
I'd put in my
two-week notice.
But I'm too weak.
My dogs only barked this bad
once before, back
in the cavalry.
I got blottoed and did the
Charleston with a Shetland pony.
Colonel, don't tempt me.
I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse--
saddle, rider and all.
Which is undoubtedly better
than what's awaiting us now
in the Mess Tent--
ptomaine au gratin.
Take heart,
famished friends.
I brought in
after-surgery snacks.
-Actual edibles from Peg.
-Ah, brownies! Dibs! Dibs!
And homemade fruit cocktail
for our peach of a colonel.
Ah, sweet cubes of delight.
♪ At last I've found you
What else? Pralines!
Ah, pralines!
The South's
only contribution
to civilization.
-Don't be shy, Charles.
-[shouts]
[laughing]
Hey, Charles, beware
the perils of praline.
-Brilliant, Doctor.
-Dagnabit!
You two should be
ashamed of yourselves.
What's next, whoopee cushions
on the wheelchairs?
The true cruelty
of this lame jest
is that there are no pralines.
[Margaret screams]
-Did you--
-[screams]
All right. Who left the
dead minnows in my pocket?
They were alive when
I put them there.
You've killed them!
[laughing]
-Et tu, Winchester?
-Go ahead and laugh, guys.
There are plenty
of minnows in the sea.
-A Houlihan never forgets.
-"Et three," Margaret?
-What's going on here?
-'Tis the season
to be silly, Colonel.
-April one-eth is at hand.
-Bushwa!
My Farmer's Almanac
says it's still March.
Oh, but Colonel, I mean,
the festive spirit
of April Fool
can scarcely be contained
within a mere 24-hour period.
And there are only
a few joking days left.
Okay, okay.
But just include me out.
"Understandez" vous?
Colonel, how could
you even think it?
-Your persona is truly hallowed.
-And don't you forget it.
Besides which,
I've seen 'em all.
Okay, Sparky, I got it.
Ah, the early bird colonel
gets the words.
TWX for you, sir.
-Surgeon General's Office,
8th Army.
-Thank you.
Sir, I must protest the rash
of mindless pranks
being perpetrated
around here.
Good morning, Padre.
Or should I say "Padress"?
Colonel, there's
no humor in this.
While I was showering,
somebody stole my robe
and left me this...
this... house frock!
Better not take it off, Father.
You'll be a defrocked priest.
Klinger, how would you like
to get the last rites...
and a few lefts?
Holster thy knuckles, Padre.
This, too, shall pass.
It better.
-[wolf whistles]
-Oh, shut up!
Now that Gorgeous George
is gone, can we get back to--
Holy hemostat!
-We're in for it now.
-For what, sir?
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker,
lord high executioner
of the surgeon general's
office,
is coming to observe
our medical setup.
Observe doesn't
sound too scary.
This fella can observe
you to smithereens.
From what I hear, he's a
fire and brimstone doctor
with a three-second fuse.
A stickler's stickler.
Quotes army medical
regs by memory
especially the part
on courts-martial.
Uh, sir, about that three-day
pass I just decided to ask for.
Nix on passes.
This is an A-1,
four-alarm,
red, white
and blue alert.
Allah be praised I was
too stupid to get
into med school.
Yeah, well, you got
enough smarts to shape
up these files.
He's gonna examine everything
from "A" to "Z" and then some.
And medical supplies.
Order everything you can order,
including order forms.
But, sir, I'm already
drowning in paperwork.
Well, hold onto your honker and
tread water if you have to,
just do it!
KLINGER: Let's go!
Let's go!
-Mayday! Mayday!
-Hey.
Big meeting in
the colonel's office.
Everybody up.
Somebody kill
that man, quietly.
I got a million
other things to do.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's get up.
All right. But only long enough
to push your ears together.
Klinger, did you see
anybody else lurking
around here earlier?
No. Oh, yeah! I think I saw
Major Houlihan leaving. Why?
Because there's something
besides my foot in my boot.
And from the size of the lumps,
I'd say it was oatmeal.
Word is, this Tucker hombre
is tougher than beef jerky
and harder to swallow.
We're talking about a man
who picks his teeth
with a rusty nail.
So, for the sake of me
and my eagles
which I worked
so hard to get
there will be no, I repeat,
nada in the way of larks
antics or shenanigans
while he's here.
-Got it?
-Got it.
Loud and-or clear, sir.
-Pierce?
-Thanks for the
room service, Margaret.
I always did like
breakfast in boot.
I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
-Don't worry about me, sir.
-I owe you one.
Wait a minute.
Pierce, are you "deef"?
I'm giving your hijinks
the heave-ho, post haste.
I'm the boss here!
I can do that!
-I heard you, Colonel.
-And?
And I'll follow your
instructions to the letter.
Fine, fine. I knew you wouldn't
let your revered leader down.
But just in case, check your
joy buzzers at the door.
Dismissed.
-She who laughs last--
-Yeah.
[chuckles]
I'm gonna get her.
Pierce, you are "deef."
Didn't you hear what
Potter said?
All he said was no jokes
while Tucker's here.
Well, Tucker's
not here yet,
so how long you think
it would take us to
fire Margaret
out of a canon?
-[chuckling]
-That's such a good idea.
-What? What?
-Uh, no more.
I don't want to get Potter
in hot water.
-What?
-No more.
Pierce, let's call
a temporary cease prank.
Oh, so I'm on my own, huh?
No help will be forthcoming
from the guy who had "Kilroy"
painted on his head
while he slept.
Or the fire breathing fellow
who found Tabasco
in his mouthwash.
All courtesy of
Margaret the menace.
Maybe one more.
-[chuckling]
-Oh, good.
Rizzo.
Rizzo.
Wake up, Rizzo.
Why? Is it lunch time?
-Good, I could use a break.
-No, no, no.
Unfortunately,
some colonel's coming
to look us over,
so I'll need your help
in post-op.
Post-op?
Great.
They got real beds
over there.
Boy, nothing gets to you,
does it?
Why should it?
I got a good life.
Room, board,
16 hours of sleep a day.
But this place stinks.
Hey, Klinger,
you got it all wrong.
Step into my office, son.
Look, the Army is a breeze...
once you get the hang
of the Luther Rizzo
secret of military success.
What is it?
-Never smile.
-Huh?
The Army hates
to see a man grin.
It makes 'em think
they've failed somehow.
But moan and groan
and carry on,
they'll leave you all
to your lonesome.
Long as they know you're
miserable, they're happy.
-You're kidding.
-If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
You can do anything
you want in the Army.
Just act like
you don't want to do it.
I'm livin' proof.
Hey, play your cards right,
and some day, Klinger,
all this can be yours.
-That's it.
-What?
-Reverse psychology.
-Huh?
-The army always does
the opposite.
-That's it!
If a guy wants out,
he should act like
he wants to stay in.
Yeah! Want out?
Is your hat on too tight?
Where else can you be a bum
and get paid for it?
-I've been doing it all wrong.
-Yeah.
-I'll be the world's
greatest soldier.
-Right.
-Make 'em think
I love the Army.
-Right.
Then, and only then,
I'll pull the old switcheroo.
-All right!
-Rizzo, you're a genius!
-I know, I know.
-Listen, you stay here.
I'll get somebody else
to help in post-op.
Good. And have 'em send
me over a pillow, huh?
[gasps]
Those weasels! Oh!
Oh, this time,
they've gone too far!
Just--Pierce, get up,
you tent napper!
-[screams]
-[laughing]
Good, Margaret.
Very good.
[laughing continues]
-Where is my tent?
-We pitched it somewhere.
-You crumbs! You crumbs!
-Margaret!
-Where is my tent?
-We gave it to a dog.
-Now it's a pup tent.
-You idiot!
Ah, don't hit a pillow
when it's down!
[shouting, laughing]
-What's going on here?
-Uh--
-These crumbs stole my tent.
-Now, Margaret, let's try
to be accurate.
I'm the only crumb here.
He's a schmo, and he's an idiot.
-No, he's the idiot,
and he's the schmo.
-This is disgraceful.
-Absolutely disgraceful.
-You know, you're right.
They just don't make pillows
the way they used to.
Please forgive our antics, sir.
A bit of harmless fun.
Uh--Uh, I, uh--
I take it our, uh, feathers
don't tickle your fancy.
I am Colonel
Daniel Webster Tucker,
8th Army,
Surgeon General's Office
here to observe your
medical staff in action.
Now, who in the hell
are you people?
-Actually, we're just
the medical staff.
-How are we doing so far?
I want to see your
commanding officer immediately.
I hope he at least is
a responsible professional.
What in the name of
Marco Blessed Polo
is going on here?
Oh. How do? Uh--
You would have to be
Colonel Tucker, right?
And you would have to be
Colonel Potter.
My God, Potter, what kind of
place are you running here?
Don't you have one
competent person here?
Colonel Tucker, sir.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
reporting.
Aide-de-campe
to top brass everywhere.
Sir, your quarters have been
prepared with fresh linen,
fresh fruit and
fresh air.
Also present,
a record player complete
with five
John Philip Sousa albums
several rum-soaked,
precut Cuban cigars
and your favorite
liquid refreshment,
a shot and a beer.
And here, sir, is today's copy
of Stars and Stripes.
Well, this is more like it.
If you're ready, sir,
your tent is over there.
Fine, Corporal.
I will turn in now.
And I'll see you and your people
tomorrow morning, Colonel.
[yawns]
I am kind of sleepy myself.
-I think I'll hit
the old sackeroo.
-CHARLES: Capital idea.
Halt! About face!
Oh, you're a peck
of pips, all right.
Despite my direct orders,
you just had to put
"Be stupid" first
on your list of things
to do today!
-We're very sorry, Colonel.
-I'm not sorry!
-You're the jackasses
who did this!
-[overlapping dialog]
Silencio!
The senior inspecting officer
from the whole Far East
medical command
comes in here at full boil
so you jokers
have to turn up the heat.
Guarantees we'll all be wearing
his boot prints tomorrow
no matter how spiffy
we carry on!
Thank you all very much!
Good grief, Margaret.
Where in the name of
Carrie's corset is your tent?
POTTER: Well, Colonel,
didn't take long for you
to get a chance to see
our people in action.
TUCKER:
I saw them in action
last night, Colonel.
-Carry on.
-KLINGER: Good morning, sir.
Sorry you were
out of your tent
before I could
serve your breakfast.
However,
I did leave the figures
for this week's wounded,
a map I drew up
of the camp,
and discount coupons for
the Officers Club on your bed.
Which I made.
With hospital corners. Sir.
BJ: Klinger,
you're groveling
without a license.
TUCKER: You foul balls
could take a lesson from
this fine trooper.
KLINGER: I'd blush, sir,
but I don't have the time.
Idle hands are
the devil's workshop.
MARGARET: Sir,
I'm really sorry about
what happened last night.
TUCKER: As well
you should be, Major.
CHARLES: Ah-ha.
Voila.
Nice work, Charles.
For a foul ball, you sure
know your way around
the old chest cavity.
[laughs]
Thank you, Hunnicutt.
Yes, it was rather
exceptional work.
-Would you agree, Colonel?
-What do you want, a medal?
Hey, he just saved
this kid's life.
Isn't that the general
idea here, Doctor?
HAWKEYE:
What's the matter, Colonel?
Get up on the wrong side of
the world this morning?
You concentrate
on your patient.
Try to give him
the same attention
you give your pillow fights.
POTTER: Colonel,
I'll admit
we've got a full rack of
eight balls here,
but when it comes to cutting,
these people are the real McCoy.
I should hope so.
I assume they've all been
to medical school.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I should give the good doctors
a round of applause
for doing their jobs.
Hear, hear, Doctors.
Hear, hear.
Here we are, sir.
Our post-operative unit.
Now, if you'll
excuse me, sir,
I must fill out daily reports
and deliver mail.
Oh, my stars!
I've been meaning to lube
and oil the colonel's jeep.
Permission to lube
and oil, sir.
Permission granted.
-That man's a jewel.
-There he is, our very own
ray of sunstroke.
Notice how his sneer
lights up the room?
Well, what do you
expect from him
after the impression
we made last night?
-Are you tired, Captain?
-As a matter of fact, I am.
I was up very early
performing surgery.
You were also up very
late performing idiocy.
Lieutenant, is there an order
for an I.V. after this one?
-No, sir. But Captain Pierce--
-I'll handle this, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
Can I help, Colonel?
Just having a little look-see,
Doctor. That's all.
This is my patient.
You have any questions, ask me.
Why, Doctor, you don't have
anything to hide, do you?
Only my outrage. You know,
you really are a sanctimonious--
Hawk, no, let me--
Colonel, I really must voice
my resentment concerning
your attitude.
No, you mustn't.
What you really must do
is keep your mouth shut.
-I beg your--
-Sir, we all know
that you're really just trying
to do a very difficult job--
-Don't patronize me, Major.
-I was trying to support you.
-I hardly need
the support of a woman.
-[gasps] Wh--
I've had it up to here
with all you people.
I'm gonna go clear my throat
with a shot and a beer.
Uh, Colonel,
I wonder if we could have
a four-letter word with you
outside the hospital zone?
Fine.
I'm a reasonable man.
-No fists, no fists.
-Save your hands, Pierce.
Use a rock.
[chuckles]
Tell you what, Colonel.
I'll make a deal with you.
We'll stop breaking pillows,
and you stop breaking our butts.
-How about it?
-I don't make deals.
-Then how about
just acting human?
-Better watch it, Captain.
Yeah. Be careful, Hunnicutt.
It's against protocol
to inform a superior officer
that he is inferior.
This man would have to
work his way up to inferior.
Get this: I'm gonna
shape this place up
and I can't think
of a better way to start
than barring all of you
from medical service.
[laughs] Golly gee, boys
and girls, are we in Dutch.
The colonel's gonna make us
stand in a corner of Korea.
And go to bed
without supper.
For which, Colonel,
I shall be eternally grateful.
[chuckles] Yeah.
You people think you're
very funny, don't you?
Well, I've had it
with you screwballs.
As of right now you're
all on report
for gross insubordination
conduct unbecoming officers,
and anything else
I can think of.
I can't believe that.
You better
believe it, Major.
If I have my way,
you'll all be court-martialed.
And since I'm the man
who makes those decisions,
I always get my way.
Let me see you laugh
that one off, gang.
Klinger, I want you
to find me a cop--
At your service, sir.
What the hell's
going on here?
Well, I'm doing
the daily reports,
Colonel Potter's
correspondence--
I'm not talking about that.
How could I be
so stupid, sir?
You're worried about
your lube job.
I don't understand.
Is there gonna be
a costume party?
Oh, I hope not.
I don't have a thing to wear.
Corporal, are you
feeling all right?
Not really, sir.
It's this desert heat.
-Even the Sphinx is sweating.
-They've broken you.
The only decent soldier here.
They've broken you!
This is tragic.
It's tragic.
You need a long rest
far away from this place.
I dearly hope you're
not talking discharge, sir.
I'd sooner die.
I know it breaks
your heart, soldier,
but trust me,
it's the only way.
With due respect, sir...
as you can plainly see,
I wasn't born yesterday.
You're talking
Section Eight.
How could you
shame me like that?
I'll be the laughingstock
of the Nile!
You're ill, son. Deluded.
Now, you lay down
over here and rest.
It's not your fault.
I know how hard you've tried
to set an example here.
Of course I tried
to set an example.
I am queen of Egypt.
You fought the good fight,
soldier. Now you must rest.
When I leave tomorrow,
you're going with me.
I'm gonna personally see
that your case is expedited.
You'll be stateside
in 72 hours.
Klinger, what
the hell is this?
All hail mighty Caesar.
You look like a furry
Claudette Colbert.
-Get up from there!
-Easy, Potter.
This young trooper has
finally cracked under pressure.
You mean you're
buying this malarkey?
Last time,
he was Snow White.
You let me worry
about this young lad.
You worry about
your medical staff.
I'm bringing them
up on charges.
Hold on there, Colonel.
Let's talk this out
in my office.
There's nothing to talk about.
I'm gonna hang the lot of them.
I just thought of something.
There is not one more free than
someone with nothing to lose.
Catchy, but irrelevant.
Pierce, a truly rational man
does not wax philosophic
when his address is about
to be changed to Leavenworth.
Oh, my God.
That's in Kansas.
Look, we're already getting
busted for insubordination,
so why don't we go out
in a blaze of glory?
-Let the crime
fit the punishment.
-I love it.
-Let's get that twerp.
-Charles?
Pierce,
that is a childish,
totally immature and
petulant suggestion.
When do we nail the swine?
-Yes? Yes?
-What? What?
He's coming with Potter.
They just left the Mess Tent.
Good. Okay, he had dinner.
Now he's gonna get
his just deserts.
I still say we
should wait
until he's sleeping and
glue his feet together.
I prefer more
colorful action.
Perhaps something
involving a cattle prod.
Nice. Nice touch.
-Okay. Come on, Rizzo.
-What?
-We need the table now.
-Why? Is it suppertime?
-Yeah.
-Good. I could use a break.
Oh, boy,
is this gonna be great!
-Oh, there's a table, Colonel.
-Good.
I'll have a shot and a beer.
What'll you have, Colonel?
Uh, Colonel Potter,
can we see you a minute?
Uh, excuse me.
Be back in a minute.
-Something's come up.
-What?
-Tucker's number.
-What?
-Here we are, sir.
One shot of whiskey.
-I ordered a shot and a beer!
-Where's my beer?
-Beer's on you, Colonel.
[laughter]
Bull's-eye, Pierce.
Excellent marksmanship.
[laughter continues]
You jackasses!
Pierce, you imbecile!
Did you know you squish
when you walk?
Nobody does this
to Daniel Webster Tuck--
-What is it? What's wrong?
-It's his heart!
[people gasping]
-Look out. Let me help.
-You get the hell away, Pierce!
-Haven't you done enough?
-Get some blankets!
-Get a cardiac kit!
-Come on, man. Hang in there.
-Pierce--Pierce--
-He's saying something.
-He's asking for you.
-Pierce--
-What is it? I can't hear you.
-Is that you, Pierce?
-Yeah. What is it?
-Just one thing.
April Fool.
What?
[laughing]
I gotcha, Pierce!
I got all of you April fools.
-I got you, got you, got you.
-[Tucker laughing]
I even got that hairy cuckoo.
If he thinks he's
got his Section Eight,
he's really crazy.
You were marvelous, Dan.
A regular Lionel Barrymore.
I loved that line:
"What do you want, a medal?"
It was like shooting
fish in a barrel.
"Hey, you want to step outside
for a little four-letter word?"
I can't believe this!
-You mean the whole--
-We set this up weeks ago.
I knew if Dan pushed
you hard enough
you'd pull a
stupid trick like this.
-You went for it like
a school of hungry carp.
-[all laughing]
I feel the perfect fool.
Fellow jokers, we are in
the presence of greatness.
-Whew!
-We have been royally had.
-Have a beer.
-Have a real one.
So don't feel bad, folks.
You really didn't stand
a snowball's chance
in Guam.
Sherm and I have been doing
this for three wars now.
Of course, things didn't
always work out so good.
Remember the time
we slipped
the rubber hamburgers
into the chow line?
Yeah. Trouble was,
nobody noticed.
HAWKEYE:
You guys must have been
the life of the foxhole.
Come on, Colonel.
I want to get home
to see my mummy.
What's so funny?
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]