M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 22 - Dreams - full transcript
During a hectic non-stop rush of wounded that is overcrowding the camp, the staff's brief naps have disturbing dreams in which the war is an never-ending intrusion.
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Waltz a little faster, folks.
New shipment of wounded
in 15 minutes.
[groans]
Haven't had wounded
for at least half an hour.
What is this? Anyway?
We better take shifts.
Margaret,
why don't you grab a nap?
I think I'd better.
-There's this little rest--
-[wind blows]
...little restaurant
in Sausalito
where a seagull
sits on the windowsill.
You can tell by his expression
he doesn't have any idea that
people shoot at each other.
When I get outta here,
I'm going there every day
until I get that same
expression on my face.
I don't think we'll
ever get out of here.
They've tattooed our brains
with this ugliness,
and we'll never get it off.
Well, I'm gonna
escape right now
for exactly two hours.
-Sweet dreams, Margaret.
-That's what I'm planning on.
-You wanna make it
a double feature?
-No.
You sure you don't wanna
see my selected shorts?
I don't even wanna hear
your Looney Tunes.
-[wind blowing]
-Chilly.
Mm.
[groans]
[wind gusting]
[heart beating]
[heart beating faster]
[heart stops beating]
[heart beating]
[wind whistling]
[heart beating fades,
wind whistling continues]
Abdominal wound.
Where do you want him?
No place. We haven't got
a pair of hands free.
-Hold it. U-turn.
-Where is the 8063rd
during all this?
Why aren't they taking
some of this heat for us?
They bugged out, Colonel.
Well, eventually, they have
to "disembug" themselves.
Find out where
they're bugging to,
and we'll send them a few
neatly wrapped packages.
Meanwhile, call for some
ambulances and clear out
post-op.
We're getting
too many customers.
I think it's time
to take down the sign
that says
"No cover, no minimum."
I'll be back before you
can say "baba ghanoush."
Damn. I can't make
my fingers work.
Slight case
of surgeon's cramp.
-Somebody take over for him.
-I'm fine.
Connie, how'd
you like to close?
I thought you'd never ask.
-Move.
-Come on.
It's just a temporary spasm.
Then take
a temporary hike.
Sure, push a guy around.
Boy, if I could make a fist,
I'd be shaking it
in the air right now.
Have yourself
a nice long rest
and be back here
in 12 minutes.
Hi.
You come here often?
Band's not great,
but some of these kids
can really cut a rug.
Good night, Peg.
Oh, don't be jealous.
It's just my wife.
♪♪ [waltz]
♪♪ [waltz continues]
♪♪ [waltz continues]
♪♪ [waltz continues]
No ambulances, Colonel.
Some lieutenant at Battalion
says he signed out for them,
and he won't send them up here
where they're liable
to get shot at.
I think he's
a very new lieutenant.
Pierce, get somebody
on this patient.
Right. Charles?
I think not.
Suture. After this,
I am taking a nap.
Who's gonna work on
that patient over there?
I presume, as you are
chief surgeon,
chiefly you.
Lieutenant,
with all due respect,
what are you using for brains,
chopped liver?
Colonel, I personally signed
out for those ambulances.
If they get blown up,
it'll be coming out
of my paycheck
for as long as I live.
You ninny,
the army expects them
to be destroyed.
That's what they
give them to us for.
That's not what
they told me, Colonel.
Why don't you give me a call
when the shooting
lightens up a bit.
Lieutenant, I am gonna
go over your head
just barely over your head,
so you better hang on
to your skull.
Klinger,
get me General Imbrie.
[sighs]
I'm too old for this.
I've got children telling me
I can't play with their toys.
[horse nickers]
[horse nickers]
[hoofbeats clomping]
WOMAN:
Sherman! Sherman Potter!
Dinnertime. Dinner!
Colonel, Colonel,
things are getting worse.
General Imbrie is doing
bar duty in Tokyo,
and I can't reach him.
The guy with the ambulances
won't even answer the phone.
And post-op is so jammed,
they're piling
the wounded in my office.
I don't know what to do.
We can't put 'em outside
because the thermometer
just took another nosedive.
Sorry I had to
wake you, Colonel.
I wish you could have
given me one more minute.
It's been a long time
since I tasted one of
her home-baked muffins.
MAN: Okay, put him down
right here. Easy. Easy.
[chattering]
[whistles]
-[all exclaiming]
-Bravo!
-Oh, me.
-Oh, let me put some in.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
[gasping]
[patient gasping]
[silence]
Ohh!
Damn.
[shudders]
Oh, over here, Father.
-Oh!
-Let's see how cold they are.
Ooh, that's frozen.
If we put this stuff
in those kids' veins,
it would jolt them
right off the table.
-Yeah, you're right.
-Here.
Let's start 'em on these.
I'll heat up a new batch.
Klinger, you're
a warm human being.
It's the code of the desert,
Father. Share the heat.
All right.
Be gentle with me.
No rude shocks.
[shudders] A little
coolness is all right,
but nothing sudden.
Ready?
[gasping, shuddering]
Ohh! Ohh!
[hammering]
Hey. Hey!
What the hell kind of hotel
are you guys running here?
-Tie that other
side down, will ya?
-Sure.
Haven't been able to sleep
since I got here.
Sorry, General.
This time of year,
we get a lot of
convention business.
You like a room with a view?
We can put you up top.
I want to see
your commanding officer.
Yeah, well, right now
he's operating.
We'll send him in
as soon as he wakes up.
-[hammering]
-Sorry.
I don't want
anyone else to hear
my confession, Father.
If I talk like this,
can you hear me?
Oh, certainly, son.
Go right ahead.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It's been six months
since my last confession.
And since that time,
I've committed three sins
against
the Sixth Commandment.
The first occasion
was a bar in Seoul
in which I trove sobbert
in farley quince
to civilar falamaries
with closive infilches
and depationary farven.
Then, about a month later,
we'd been up on the line
for 28 days.
Everybody was
real fatigued.
We all wanted to go out
and just try to forget,
you know.
So, of course,
we started drinking,
and then I--
I sorgen staven
in tusiflia thurgis.
In frawl with
sagullery purchel.
But franges are gurvel,
you know.
Iskeep perobic tondo.
[continues, fading]
[birds twittering]
♪♪ [church organ]
[cheering]
[cheering continues]
[cheering stops]
[chattering]
[chattering continues]
MMARGARET:
Watch the sponge count.
Father?
Father.
Oh, I'm sorry, son.
I haven't slept for two days.
Do I have to say
all that again?
Well, you can
skip the details
and just give me
the highlights.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
How are you feeling,
General?
I'd feel better if
I had a little privacy.
Sorry, General. Right now,
privacy is anything less
than three to a bunk.
There's no reason these boys
have to be crowded together.
Why can't you evacuate
some of them?
Because down at Battalion,
some yahoo of
a first lieutenant
won't send us
any ambulances.
Why the hell not?
He says there's a lot
of shooting going on
and he doesn't want
the ambulances to get hurt.
Damn jackass.
If I had 30 seconds with
that pimple-headed lieutenant,
I'd boil his bars for him.
Well, I think
we can put that through,
person-to-pimple.
-Lieutenant?
-Yes, sir.
Get Klinger in here.
We got a call to make.
Right away, sir.
[train clacking]
[train whistle blows]
MAN:
Toledo. Toledo, next stop.
[train slowing, clanking]
[train stops, hisses]
[wind blowing]
Klinger! Klinger!
Klinger! You better
run a phone line
to post-op in
the next two minutes,
or you're in big trouble.
Oh, thank you, Lieutenant.
Those are the sweetest words
I've ever heard.
I'm alive. I'm alive!
Oh, Lieutenant-- Mmm!
Lieutenant, I'm sure
you have a very sound reason
for not sending those
ambulances into combat.
-Yes, sir.
-So why don't you come up here
right now, in the flesh,
-and tell me what it is.
-I-In the flesh, sir?
Or what's left of it...
Lieutenant?
They're on their way
up now, sir.
That's fine, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
You see, Colonel?
He'll let us have
those ambulances.
He just wants
to save his caboose.
[laughs]
Thank you, General.
Well, it's over.
211 patients in 33 hours.
Well, it's good to know
we could do it.
Why couldn't they
just choose up sides
and thumb wrestle?
A couple of good manicurists
could handle the whole thing.
Mornin', cousins.
How y'all?
Well, you came
through it all right...
for a dead man.
Are you kidding?
I thrive on collapse.
Air-conditioning your meat?
No, I'm deciding
whether or not to eat it.
I think not. I've seen
one too many livers today.
Is this liver,
or am I changing a tire?
Why don't you go on back
to the Swamp and go to sleep?
I don't know.
That sounds like
too much trouble.
Now then, Dr. Pierce...
how do you reattach a limb?
I'm sorry.
I was-- I was sleeping.
Did we cover that?
Your left arm, please.
Twist it.
Pull.
May I have it?
This young man
wants his arm back.
Do you know the procedure?
I was sleeping. I don't know.
[water splashes]
Your right arm, please.
If you would.
[thudding, scraping]
[helicopter approaching]
No!
[helicopters approaching]
[chatter]
Well, it's been
a miserable, grueling,
rotten couple of days.
A little shut-eye
would go down great
right about now.
You can say that again.
Even my teeth are dozing off.
Compared
to the way I feel,
Rip Van Winkle
was an insomniac.
Well, good night, folks.
If you need me,
I'll be unconscious.
Ah, to sleep,
perchance to dream.
On the other hand, maybe I'll
have another cup of coffee.
-Good idea.
-Help keep us warm.
-I'll pour.
-A big shot of that, Father.
[chatter]
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Waltz a little faster, folks.
New shipment of wounded
in 15 minutes.
[groans]
Haven't had wounded
for at least half an hour.
What is this? Anyway?
We better take shifts.
Margaret,
why don't you grab a nap?
I think I'd better.
-There's this little rest--
-[wind blows]
...little restaurant
in Sausalito
where a seagull
sits on the windowsill.
You can tell by his expression
he doesn't have any idea that
people shoot at each other.
When I get outta here,
I'm going there every day
until I get that same
expression on my face.
I don't think we'll
ever get out of here.
They've tattooed our brains
with this ugliness,
and we'll never get it off.
Well, I'm gonna
escape right now
for exactly two hours.
-Sweet dreams, Margaret.
-That's what I'm planning on.
-You wanna make it
a double feature?
-No.
You sure you don't wanna
see my selected shorts?
I don't even wanna hear
your Looney Tunes.
-[wind blowing]
-Chilly.
Mm.
[groans]
[wind gusting]
[heart beating]
[heart beating faster]
[heart stops beating]
[heart beating]
[wind whistling]
[heart beating fades,
wind whistling continues]
Abdominal wound.
Where do you want him?
No place. We haven't got
a pair of hands free.
-Hold it. U-turn.
-Where is the 8063rd
during all this?
Why aren't they taking
some of this heat for us?
They bugged out, Colonel.
Well, eventually, they have
to "disembug" themselves.
Find out where
they're bugging to,
and we'll send them a few
neatly wrapped packages.
Meanwhile, call for some
ambulances and clear out
post-op.
We're getting
too many customers.
I think it's time
to take down the sign
that says
"No cover, no minimum."
I'll be back before you
can say "baba ghanoush."
Damn. I can't make
my fingers work.
Slight case
of surgeon's cramp.
-Somebody take over for him.
-I'm fine.
Connie, how'd
you like to close?
I thought you'd never ask.
-Move.
-Come on.
It's just a temporary spasm.
Then take
a temporary hike.
Sure, push a guy around.
Boy, if I could make a fist,
I'd be shaking it
in the air right now.
Have yourself
a nice long rest
and be back here
in 12 minutes.
Hi.
You come here often?
Band's not great,
but some of these kids
can really cut a rug.
Good night, Peg.
Oh, don't be jealous.
It's just my wife.
♪♪ [waltz]
♪♪ [waltz continues]
♪♪ [waltz continues]
♪♪ [waltz continues]
No ambulances, Colonel.
Some lieutenant at Battalion
says he signed out for them,
and he won't send them up here
where they're liable
to get shot at.
I think he's
a very new lieutenant.
Pierce, get somebody
on this patient.
Right. Charles?
I think not.
Suture. After this,
I am taking a nap.
Who's gonna work on
that patient over there?
I presume, as you are
chief surgeon,
chiefly you.
Lieutenant,
with all due respect,
what are you using for brains,
chopped liver?
Colonel, I personally signed
out for those ambulances.
If they get blown up,
it'll be coming out
of my paycheck
for as long as I live.
You ninny,
the army expects them
to be destroyed.
That's what they
give them to us for.
That's not what
they told me, Colonel.
Why don't you give me a call
when the shooting
lightens up a bit.
Lieutenant, I am gonna
go over your head
just barely over your head,
so you better hang on
to your skull.
Klinger,
get me General Imbrie.
[sighs]
I'm too old for this.
I've got children telling me
I can't play with their toys.
[horse nickers]
[horse nickers]
[hoofbeats clomping]
WOMAN:
Sherman! Sherman Potter!
Dinnertime. Dinner!
Colonel, Colonel,
things are getting worse.
General Imbrie is doing
bar duty in Tokyo,
and I can't reach him.
The guy with the ambulances
won't even answer the phone.
And post-op is so jammed,
they're piling
the wounded in my office.
I don't know what to do.
We can't put 'em outside
because the thermometer
just took another nosedive.
Sorry I had to
wake you, Colonel.
I wish you could have
given me one more minute.
It's been a long time
since I tasted one of
her home-baked muffins.
MAN: Okay, put him down
right here. Easy. Easy.
[chattering]
[whistles]
-[all exclaiming]
-Bravo!
-Oh, me.
-Oh, let me put some in.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
[gasping]
[patient gasping]
[silence]
Ohh!
Damn.
[shudders]
Oh, over here, Father.
-Oh!
-Let's see how cold they are.
Ooh, that's frozen.
If we put this stuff
in those kids' veins,
it would jolt them
right off the table.
-Yeah, you're right.
-Here.
Let's start 'em on these.
I'll heat up a new batch.
Klinger, you're
a warm human being.
It's the code of the desert,
Father. Share the heat.
All right.
Be gentle with me.
No rude shocks.
[shudders] A little
coolness is all right,
but nothing sudden.
Ready?
[gasping, shuddering]
Ohh! Ohh!
[hammering]
Hey. Hey!
What the hell kind of hotel
are you guys running here?
-Tie that other
side down, will ya?
-Sure.
Haven't been able to sleep
since I got here.
Sorry, General.
This time of year,
we get a lot of
convention business.
You like a room with a view?
We can put you up top.
I want to see
your commanding officer.
Yeah, well, right now
he's operating.
We'll send him in
as soon as he wakes up.
-[hammering]
-Sorry.
I don't want
anyone else to hear
my confession, Father.
If I talk like this,
can you hear me?
Oh, certainly, son.
Go right ahead.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It's been six months
since my last confession.
And since that time,
I've committed three sins
against
the Sixth Commandment.
The first occasion
was a bar in Seoul
in which I trove sobbert
in farley quince
to civilar falamaries
with closive infilches
and depationary farven.
Then, about a month later,
we'd been up on the line
for 28 days.
Everybody was
real fatigued.
We all wanted to go out
and just try to forget,
you know.
So, of course,
we started drinking,
and then I--
I sorgen staven
in tusiflia thurgis.
In frawl with
sagullery purchel.
But franges are gurvel,
you know.
Iskeep perobic tondo.
[continues, fading]
[birds twittering]
♪♪ [church organ]
[cheering]
[cheering continues]
[cheering stops]
[chattering]
[chattering continues]
MMARGARET:
Watch the sponge count.
Father?
Father.
Oh, I'm sorry, son.
I haven't slept for two days.
Do I have to say
all that again?
Well, you can
skip the details
and just give me
the highlights.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
How are you feeling,
General?
I'd feel better if
I had a little privacy.
Sorry, General. Right now,
privacy is anything less
than three to a bunk.
There's no reason these boys
have to be crowded together.
Why can't you evacuate
some of them?
Because down at Battalion,
some yahoo of
a first lieutenant
won't send us
any ambulances.
Why the hell not?
He says there's a lot
of shooting going on
and he doesn't want
the ambulances to get hurt.
Damn jackass.
If I had 30 seconds with
that pimple-headed lieutenant,
I'd boil his bars for him.
Well, I think
we can put that through,
person-to-pimple.
-Lieutenant?
-Yes, sir.
Get Klinger in here.
We got a call to make.
Right away, sir.
[train clacking]
[train whistle blows]
MAN:
Toledo. Toledo, next stop.
[train slowing, clanking]
[train stops, hisses]
[wind blowing]
Klinger! Klinger!
Klinger! You better
run a phone line
to post-op in
the next two minutes,
or you're in big trouble.
Oh, thank you, Lieutenant.
Those are the sweetest words
I've ever heard.
I'm alive. I'm alive!
Oh, Lieutenant-- Mmm!
Lieutenant, I'm sure
you have a very sound reason
for not sending those
ambulances into combat.
-Yes, sir.
-So why don't you come up here
right now, in the flesh,
-and tell me what it is.
-I-In the flesh, sir?
Or what's left of it...
Lieutenant?
They're on their way
up now, sir.
That's fine, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
You see, Colonel?
He'll let us have
those ambulances.
He just wants
to save his caboose.
[laughs]
Thank you, General.
Well, it's over.
211 patients in 33 hours.
Well, it's good to know
we could do it.
Why couldn't they
just choose up sides
and thumb wrestle?
A couple of good manicurists
could handle the whole thing.
Mornin', cousins.
How y'all?
Well, you came
through it all right...
for a dead man.
Are you kidding?
I thrive on collapse.
Air-conditioning your meat?
No, I'm deciding
whether or not to eat it.
I think not. I've seen
one too many livers today.
Is this liver,
or am I changing a tire?
Why don't you go on back
to the Swamp and go to sleep?
I don't know.
That sounds like
too much trouble.
Now then, Dr. Pierce...
how do you reattach a limb?
I'm sorry.
I was-- I was sleeping.
Did we cover that?
Your left arm, please.
Twist it.
Pull.
May I have it?
This young man
wants his arm back.
Do you know the procedure?
I was sleeping. I don't know.
[water splashes]
Your right arm, please.
If you would.
[thudding, scraping]
[helicopter approaching]
No!
[helicopters approaching]
[chatter]
Well, it's been
a miserable, grueling,
rotten couple of days.
A little shut-eye
would go down great
right about now.
You can say that again.
Even my teeth are dozing off.
Compared
to the way I feel,
Rip Van Winkle
was an insomniac.
Well, good night, folks.
If you need me,
I'll be unconscious.
Ah, to sleep,
perchance to dream.
On the other hand, maybe I'll
have another cup of coffee.
-Good idea.
-Help keep us warm.
-I'll pour.
-A big shot of that, Father.
[chatter]
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]