M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 17 - Heal Thyself - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Morning, troops.
And troopess.

How's the cuisine?

May God have mercy
on these eggs.

Our cook should be stoned
to death with his own pancake.

Well, discretion being

the better part
of food poisoning,

I thought I'd just stick with
the powdered orange juice.

Pulverized citrus.

These maniacs
will stop at nothing.

Ohh.



We forgot to warn you
about the powdered pits.

No, it's nothin'.
The gullet's just
a little rusty this a.m.

You said the same thing
last night, sir.

I'd better have
a look at these glands.

I'm just fine,
I tell ya-- Ow! Ow!

These glands
are like grapefruit.

Don't tell the army.
They'll powder 'em.

And you have a fever.

-Nonsense.
I'm just hot-blooded.
-Doctor.

Uh-huh. Colonel, you might
find this hard to swallow,

but 8:00 to 5:00
says you've got the mumps.

You picked the worst time
to be right, Hunnicutt.

Oh, dear. I feel
responsible for this.

Nonsense, Padre.
You didn't know we were all



walking into a mumps festival
at the orphanage.

Gee, I just thought
those kids were doing

great Charles Laughton
impressions.

As of right now,
I'm off-limits
to all personnel,

who didn't have the good sense

to catch 'em
when they were kids.

With all due respect to your
high ranking glands, Colonel,

their timing stinks.

Tomorrow we're supposed to be
up to our mumps in casualties.

Keep a cool caboose,
Hunnicutt.

I'm way ahead of ya.
Klinger!

You bellowed,
O top o' the heap?

Yeah, and I wish I hadn't.

It looks like I've got
the mumps and--

The mumps?
Command me from a distance,

my weak and withering leader.

I have never mumped,
and I'm too old to start.

Stand tall, doughboy.

You've gotta get
on the gabber

and find us
a fill-in surgeon.

Put the G.I.
red tape in the drawer

and leave no corner uncut.

Substitute sawbones,
comma, one each, coming up.

Let me help you
to your tent, sir.

I'd better warn you, Major.

I get mighty crotchety
when I'm battling a bug.

And I make one ornery
patient.

Well, I make one ornery nurse.
Take it easy.

Excuse me. Uh-- Colonel,

isn't it a bit early in
the day to be, um--

how shall I put it--
bagged?

It's not booze that's got me
in this shape, Winchester,

it's mumps.

[laughs] I--
Forgive me, Colonel.

It's just that it's a bit silly
to find a childhood malady

afflicting a man
of your advanced years.

Step aside, Major.

What's next for you, Colonel?
Unsightly teenage blemishes?

Ah, between you and
the mumps, Winchester,

I'd prefer the mumps.

At least I know
they're going to go away.

We best be going,
Colonel.

Come on. Easy.

-Uh, Charles?
-Hmm?

You're being kind of cheeky

for a guy who says he's
never had the mumps.

I have nothing to fear.
The superiority of the
Winchester genes

has rendered me immune.

I have been exposed to mumps
countless times.

I have always
emerged unswelled.

-I'm sure. His butler
got them for him.
-[both laugh]

Anything else I can
do for you, sir?

One thing.
You've been here all day.

-Leave me alone!
-You don't have to shout.

Yes, I do.
I would never hit a woman.

Look, we can do this easy,
or we can do this hard.

Why can't we just
not do it at all?

Because you are the patient.
I am the nurse.

And I am gonna gently
see you back to health.

Margaret, I know you're
tryin' to help me,

and God knows there
isn't a pillow around

that could go
the distance with ya,

but you'd bring a smile
to this swollen face

if you'd just leave me alone.

-Colonel--
-And don't let the door

hit ya on the fanny
on the way out.

Good-bye, Major.

[knocking]

I am sleeping,
Major Houlihan.

Hi, Colonel. We got a really
swell surprise for ya.

Go away, Pierce.
And take Hunnicutt with you.

We wanted to bring you
something to cheer you up.

But what can you
give a man

who has everything,
including the mumps?

His very own roomie!

So here he is now,

Charles Emerson Winchester
the puffed.

Well, well.
A childhood malady

in a man of your
advanced weight?

Now don't be unkind,
Colonel.

Poor Charles was caught
with his genes down.

-I just want to go to sleep.
-Not so fast.

This is a private room.
Go someplace else.

There is no place else.

The V.I.P. tent is bulging
with sick nurses.

-Who are also bulging.
-Well, so's this tent.

It has a capacity of one.
That's me.

Colonel, I assure you--
excuse me--

the prospect of, uh,
sharing this veritable Elbe,

displeases me much more
than it does you-- ooh!

You're too modest, Winchester.

Don't underestimate your power
to be a pain in the buns.

Pierce, please, the bed.
I feel delirious.

-Where should I put it?
-Anywhere outside.

Just a moment, uh,
gentlemen, please.

Well-- [groans]
Colonel, your, um--

yours does not appear to be

a standard army issue
folding canvas cot.

It isn't.

This is a genuine Sears
Super Slumber mattress.

Plenty comfy too.

Yeah. And it's
so spacious.

Sure is!

Several hundred of the finest
geese who ever honked,

gave their all so I could
snooze in comfort-- solo.

Yes, but, Colonel--

Don't even think it,
Winchester.

[growls]

There's the bed.

The bed! Put it down!

Let's go, Hawk.
I think they'd like to be alone.

Bye!

Be right with you, sir.

Keep firing, soldier.
Commies are everywhere.

I'm disinfecting the place.

We got mumps here,
and I gotta be careful.

If you get 'em as a kid,
you don't get 'em as an adult,

but if you get 'em as an adult,
you don't get kids.

Take that,
you little home-wreckers!

Good work, Corporal.
Don't take any prisoners.

In the meantime, would you
tell me where my billet is?

I'd like to put my stuff away.

Oh, you must be
the replacement surgeon.

In the flesh.
Newsome, Steven J.

Klinger, Maxwell Q.
Welcme,sir.

Boy they got you here
just in the nick of time.

Says a lot for the power
of positive begging.

Come on, I'll show you
to your quarters.

Here we are, sir.

Our finest accommodations,
complete with cell mates.

Gentlemen,
I give you Dr. Newsome.

-Hi! He's B.J., I'm Hawkeye.
-Oh, that's catchy.

My name's just plain Steve.

Just Plain, I can't tell you
how glad we are to see you.

[laughs]
21-15.

-How'd you get him
here so fast?
-It's a secret.

But if he asks you where the
beach is, change the subject.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I must continue evicting
those little mumpettes.

They can run,
but they can't hide.

Doctor, your opportune arrival
calls for a celebration.

You, uh, make your own?

Yeah. We call it
Moonshine Over Korea.

Mm-- Oh!

Now I know what the corporal
is spraying the office with.

This is quite a lovely
spot you have here.

It's not much, but we
like to call it hell.

We just came for a weekend.
Now we may never leave.

You're probably here
on the American plan.

Now, see here, Newsome,

that remark shows a complete
lack of respect,

for this man's army
and all that it stands for.

And I resent the fact
that you beat me to it.

So do I.
Where are you stationed?

H.Q. Company, Tokyo.

Ah, Tokyo--
hotbed of combat.

Working your fingers
down to the manicure.

Yeah, it's a cushy job,
but somebody's gotta do it.

I specialize
in geisha girls myself.

I'm a highly regarded
eye, ear, and leg man.

Hawk, I think we got
a new guy for the act.

We could put a sign
out in front of O.R.--

Three Stooges, No Waiting.

MAN [over P.A.]: Attention,
people. Choppers.

Don't think it's
presents from home.

Let's go, Steve. Another
come as you're hurt party.

You don't give a fella
much of a chance

to freshen up, do you?

Sorry.
Happy minute just ended.

-Major, can you close?
-Of course, Doctor.

By the way, my name
is Margaret Houlihan.

HAWKEYE: Don't you
love it when she drools?

I'll get this one down here.

We may have a new candidate
for rookie of the war.

B.J.: Usually takes
the new guys two weeks
just to stop fainting.

Well, this isn't
exactly new to me.

I got my first taste
of combat surgery

in the Pusan Perimeter.

Pusan Perimeter?

Newsome, you've been
holding out on us.

I've heard horror
stories about that.

Well, there are not
a lot of people around
to talk about it.

Our regiment had 16,000
casualties in 18 months.

Retract, please.

Guys were dropping
as fast as we could catch 'em,

mostly in pieces--
Keep that pressure up.

Yeah, I remember once

we had dead men
stacked up like cordwood.

HAWKEYE: Never
a dull moment, huh?

No, not in those days.

Seems like we were
always bugging out.

Oh, once...I remember...

I had to operate
in a moving jeep

in the middle of the night.

Kid had about 12 pounds
of shrapnel in his leg.

I stretched him out across the
back with a local anesthetic.

Brand-new P.F.C. driver.

About one minute ahead
of the North Koreans. Oh--

Anyway, I'm cutting,
kid is screaming,

a leg is bleeding,

the driver's yelling
"Where are we?"

It was a hell of a ride.

-How'd it turn out?
-Okay.

Kid kept his leg.
We found the battalion.

I stole a bottle of gin
and got drunk.

My driver...
asked for a transfer.

99.4.
Up another tenth.

Then hurry up and discard

before the Grim Reaper
comes marching in.

Oh, very well.

Gin.

Again?

Colonel, it hardly requires

an advanced degree in
differential calculus

to master the numerical
sequence of ace, deuce, trey.

54 points. Record.

Oh, shut up and deal.

I can't remember
the last hand I won.

Oh, really?
Having won so few,

I should think they'd
stand out in your memory.

On second thought,

I think I'll read a little
and then turn in.

Some Zane Grey, maybe.

Ah, Zane Grey.

Tolstoy with spurs.

He happens to be
a great writer!

Colonel, what gin rummy
is to games of skill

Zane Grey is to literature.

Therefore, I shall counter
with something civilized--

Caruso.

En-riko Caruso? The singer?

Why, yes,
I do believe he sings.

Nix on that. I hate opera!

Colonel, a closed mind
is an empty mind.

All I ask is that you listen,
and I assure you

you will be carried away
on majestic clouds
of musical rapture.

♪♪

♪♪ [Caruso Singing
In Italian]

That guy sounds like
a banshee in a bear trap.

Sir! This man is one of
the giants of serious music.

If I want music--

I'll send for
my Tex Ritter 78s.

If I want a giant,
I'll send for Mel Ott!

Well, I don't know
Mr. Ott's work,

but cowboy crooners,

even one so noteworthy
as ol' Tex,

can hardly be mentioned
in the same breath

with the immortal
Enrico Caruso!

Oh, yeah? If you want
to match windpipes,

can that Caruso guy yodel?

Not even at gunpoint!

Yoo-hoo. I just want to see

how my sick little
soldiers are doing.

-Oh, peachy dandy.
-Wonderful.

Who's the, uh,
tall stranger?

This is Dr. Steve Newsome.
He's our replacement surgeon.

Dr. Steve, meet Colonel Potter
and Major Winchester.

-Nice to meet you, Colonel.
-Pleasure's mine.

Word is you've made
quite an impression

on the folks in these parts.

Oh, he's wonderful, sir.

I mean, we don't even
miss you and Charles.

-What the--
-I mean-

No explanation
is necessary, Major.

We're lucky to have such
a first-rate pinch-hitteer.

Ah, indeed.
Most, uh, reassuring.

[grunts, groans]

Tell me, uh, Captain,
what is your background?

From whence do you hail?

Well, I was born
and raised in Chicago.

Ah, Chicago,
that toddlin' town.

Hog butcher to the world.
[chuckles]

Where were you educated,
Al Capone State?

Well, that's a good guess.

I did my undergraduate
work there.

For medical school,
I went to Johns Hopkins.

Jo-- Hop--
Of course you did!

I can spot-- [groans]--

spot a man
of quality instantly.

While the major
pulls his tootsies
out of his yapper,

how do you like it here
at the 4077th?

Oh, I love it, sir.

I just hope I get a chance
to use the beach.

[Margaret cackles]

MAN [over P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Rise and whine.
More wounded coming in.

Don't make any plans for
the weekend. Or the week.

-Oh, no.
-So soon?

It's a rude enemy. They never
call before shooting.

Possible fractured mandible.
Get him into X-ray.

Sorry to spoil your first
night in town, Newsome,
but carnage will out.

Ah, this is like old times.
Get him on plasma.

It's like riding a bike.
You never forget.

B.J.:
God knows I try.

We'll take him first.

Okay, see you in O.R.
under the big clock.

I'll be the one wearing
the white suit.

HAWKEYE: Okay, let's go.
Get him inside.

HAWKEYE:
Uh, Newsome! Party of one.

Your table's waiting.

[crickets chirping]

Ah, walking in your sleep.

Good way to get rest
and exercise at the same time.

Just a little insomnia.

But I'm not gonna
lose any sleep over it.

Another great job
in O.R. last night.

Oh, thanks.

I'll tell you, though.

This place of yours
is not a whole lot
better than Pusan.

[gargling]

Winchester!

Oh, you're up.

I would never have taken you
for an early riser.

You used to be right.
I don't believe you.

First you skunk me
in gin rummy,

then you bust my eardrums
with that Neapolitan coyote...

and now it's gargling at--

Good grief!

It's 0600
in the blessed a.m.!

- Couldn't sleep.
- How could anybody
with all that gargling going on?

Well, you see, sir,
a most...

distressing thought
has been nagging at me.

[groans]
It's--

-I can't talk about it.
-Fine. Good night.

Then on the other hand,
it would be

very good for me
to get this off my chest.

[sighs]

All right, out with it.
But give me the abridged
version.

Right. Well, you see,
sir, it's just that

the mumps can,
in some instances

render a man incapable
of certain parental
opportunities.

Oh, I get it. You don't wanna
be going to the father and son
banquet by your lonesome.

Sir, I will never be whole.

I will not have fulfilled
my family obligation

until I have sired an offspring.

The dread thought that Charles
Emerson Winchester III

would also be Charles Emerson
Winchester the last--

Look, you've got
a mild infection.

You're getting plenty
of sack time.

You've had a buttful
of gamma globulin.

The odds are you'll
wind up in a house

filled with
little roman numerals.

All right, boys and girls,
we're really shorthanded

so let's try to work a full
90 minutes out of every hour.

You're not gonna believe this.
Two more nurses just reported
to sick call.

I'm drafting Klinger
and Father Mulcahy.

-All right, men, into your
white stockings.
-Coming up.

Stick with me, Father.
I've got matching pumps
for both of us.

Another long session in O.R.

At least the other doctors
have something to do.

The only activity
I am allowed is talking.

Winchester,
the artistic temperament

is a delicate thing.

So clam up, you yahoo!

I do not understand

why you are allowed
your pleasures

and I am not allowed mine!

Because my pleasures
are a little more
on the quiet side!

Ah! That is either
a horse

or the RCA building.

It's a horse. I'm about
to paint his back end.

Fortunately, I have
a live-in model.

Ha! Ha, ha-ha, ha!

If only your talent
matched your callousness.

-Winchester,
go about your business.
-I have no business.

-Take a nap.
-I'm not sleepy!
[clears throat]

Just listen to
yourself yammer.

That'll snap those eyelids
shut in a flash.

Even the most
despicable convict

is allowed the basic
pleasures of life.

But not I.

Don't rile me, Winchester.

My face gets any redder,
somebody's gonna get whupped.

Threaten all you want,
I can't take any more.

I demand my rights.
I'm going to play my music.

Don't touch that dial.

I need this music
to nourish my fading hope

that truth and beauty
still exist.

Viva Caruso-- [gags]

I'm warning you.
Eighty-six that Italian!

I have nothing
left to lose!

♪♪ [Caruso]

-That tears it!
-What are you gonna do?

I'll decide
when I get there.

No, Colonel.

-Oh, no!
-POTTER: Oh,yes!

Klinger, how many out there?

I can't count
that high. Sorry.

-MARGARET: He's sorry.
-How long is this gonna go on?

-There are some
questions we don't ask.
-Or answer.

Oh, damn. Look at this leg.

Can you reconstruct,
Doctor?

I, uh-- I'm not sure.

There's so much
vascular damage. I, uh--

No. Prepare to amputate.

No, don't!

-Uh-- Um--
-Doctor?

There's so many, um,
arms and legs, you see--

-Dr. Pierce?
-Not now, Margaret.

I'm about to go steady with
this kid's small intestine.

Pierce, please!

Watch his pressure.

NURSE:
I have him, Doctor.

Dr. Newsome? Steve?

We'll try to save it, Major.

Tell you what. Just to
keep things interesting,

why don't we play
musical patients?

You take mine,
and I'll take yours.

Oh, all right. Good idea.

-Hey!
-Where's he going?

-I'll find out.
Finish closing for me.
-Yes, sir.

Drag him in here.
He's very popular.

In fact, I'm not sure these
kids can live without him.

Just relax, pal.
Take a few deep breaths.

Oh, sure, okay.

-You gonna be all right?
-Oh, yeah.

I just haven't
seen this for a while,

and now there's so much of it.

Yeah, I know.
Look, take a minute.

Collect yourself.
But not too long.

We're really gonna
need ya in there

if we're gonna pull
this one out. Okay?

-Okay?
-Okay.

-HAWKEYE: Where is he?
-He's okay. He's just
getting some air.

You take my patient,
I've got his.

-No rest for the woozy.
-MARGARET: This is brutal.

If it's brutal for us,
think what it's like
for these kids.

Got another bad one.
Who's got dibs?

B.J.: Dr. Newsome.
He'll be back in a minute.

This kid just came in.
The lieutenant said
he can't wait.

HAWKEYE: My God!
Where the hell is Newsome?

Father, go tell
Dr. Newsome recess is over.

He's gotta get
back here now!

-I'll be very persuasive.
-Get him under.

Why didn't we
get two replacements
when we ordered one?

HAWKEYE: This can't be real.
Come on, all you guys.

Sit up and say
"April Fool." Please!

Newsome isn't out there!

What do you mean?
Where is he?

I have no idea.

He picked a hell of a time
to go for a stroll.

-Find him!
-I'll do my best.

-Something's gotta
be wrong, Hawk.
-Maybe he got sick.

I'll find him, sir.
If anybody can sniff
him out, I can.

Margaret,
prepare to amputate.

Isn't there any chance
we can reconstruct?

No, the artery's gone.
I haven't got time.

I save this leg,
I lose that life.

-Any luck?
-He's not in
the Officers Club.

I just checked
the mess tent.
Nobody's seen him.

Newsome's
not in the Swamp,

but his clothes
are still there.

He better have one damn
good reason for what he did.

What the hell's
he doing, hiding?

He's not in the supply room.

I'll go check the Motor Pool.

There must be
an explanation.

Why, after all, the man's
a responsible surgeon.

Pierce, Hunnicutt,

if you're looking for
your missing surgeon,

he's in here.

-All right, Newsome,
what happened--
-Easy, Pierce.

He just wandered in
and sat down.

Steve?

Steve, it's Hawkeye.

The blood won't come off.

No matter what I do,
it just stays there.

Just take it easy.

See what I mean?
Look at that.

Never gonna go away.

No matter how hard
I scrub or--

how much I wash,

it's gonna stay there.

Where do they come from?

What do they--

What do they
expect me to do?

I can't.

I can't.

Shouldn't we put him
on the bed or something?

Let's just let him
rest there for a while.

This is a little out
of our ballpark, Pierce.

Why don't you fellas
call Dr. Freedman?

Yeah, okay.

Ask him what
we oughta do.

[exhales]

He was as strong
as any of us.

That's what scares me.

♪♪ [Caruso holding note]

Bravo! Bravissimo!

A virtuoso performance.

There's a lesson.
Never insult seven men

when all you're
packing is a six-gun.

[chuckles]
Colonel, what a delight.

Since we worked out
our differences,

the remainder
of our quarantine

shall be passed
in peace and harmony.

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]