M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 8, Episode 14 - Stars and Stripes - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Okay, any more business?
Any gripes?

Yeah, I got gripes--
sour gripes.
I'm bored.

Bored, bored, bored, bored.

Uh-oh, man "overbored"!

Well, to illustrate
the depths of my own despair,

yesterday I came that close

to begging Klinger
for one brief glimpse

of the photos of his
Cousin Hakim's nuptials.

Oh, will you clowns
knock it off?

This happens
to be a staff meeting.



-Go ahead, Colonel.
Say something.
-Thank you, Major.

Always a ray of sunshine.

Look, folks, my thumbs are
twiddled down to the nubs too,

but I have some news here
that'll get a couple of
those chins off the floor.

It's a letter from
the American College
of Surgeons.

Aha! They're onto you, Pierce.

They're undoubtedly arresting
you for loitering in front of an
operating table.

Don't touch it, Pierce.

Now, Winchester, Hunnicutt,

you remember a patient
named Howser--

lad who came in here with
the air-conditioned colon?

Descending colon, right?

The one we had to mobilize
and exteriorize?

Yeah, yeah.
Tricky business, that.



I've often wondered
how the young man fared.

Says here, he's now at
Walter Reed and doing fine.

-[all exclaiming]
-In fact, some of
the muckety-mucks there

were quite impressed
with your plumbing reroute.

-Yeah?
-Yep.

Seems word got round
the medical grapevine

and, uh, well,

the College of Surgeons
wants Drs. Hunnicutt
and Winchester

to write a paper on the
operation for their journal.

-[cheering]
-That's incredible--

only the most prestigious
publication

in the entire medical
profession.

-Congratulations, boys.
That's quite a kudo.
-Thank you.

Yes. It's about time
somebody recognized

the kind of work
we do around here.

I'd like to offer my personal
standing ovation.

I'm olive drab with envy.

-Well, say something.
-Yeah. Don't just stand there.
Gloat.

It's nice. Certainly
nothing more than I deserve.

Oh, come on, Charles.
That's quite a feather
in your scalp.

Okay, boys.
The preliminary draft

has to go out in five days,
so get scribbling.

-Charles, looks like we've got
our work cut out for us.
-And not a moment to lose.

Wait till I tell
Peg about this.

Indeed. My father will be
so filled with pride
he may smile.

You guys probably
don't know this,

but I'm working on
a great, uh,

"Humor in Uniform" article
for Reader's Digest.

Here we are, Hunnicutt,
a bottle of my finest
12-year-old scotch

to celebrate this rather
auspicious occasion.

-Yeah. Remind me to be
auspicious more often.
-Hey, 12-year-old scotch!

-I'll get my six-year-old glass
and have a double.
-Sorry, Pierce.

Private soiree, authors only.

When you are invited
to write a paper,

you may join us.
Of course, by then--

[snickers]
it'll be 50-year-old scotch.

You know, I still
can't believe it--

the American
College of Surgeons.

Some college.
They don't even have
a decent football team.

Come, Hunnicutt, we shall
merge our brilliance

and forge our dreams
into reality.

-Dream forgery is
a felony, you know.
-Let us begin.

Good. I'll take notes.

-Surely you jest.
-Leave Shirley out of this.

I can help.
I'm a doctor, too.

Pierce, you are excused.

We will call on you should
we find ourselves in need
of inanities.

-Ah-ha-ha. Get him.
-Hey, Hawk, this is kind
of important, you know.

-Colonel Potter said
we had to hurry.
-Oh, I get it. I get it.

I don't qualify for
your little fraternity.

With your permission, Pierce,
we have work to do.

Oh, come on.
Every doctor in this camp

has done miraculous
things in O.R.

You two just got noticed.

Come on, Hawkeye.
Lay off, will ya?

Look, I don't have
to sit here and take this.

I can go anywhere in this camp
and be treated like dirt.

-Hi, Father.
-Oh, hi, Hawkeye.

-So, uh, what are you doing?
-I'm loading the jeep.

I'm off to the orphanage.

Say, that's a darn nice
jeep you got there.

[chuckles] Well, thank you.

I've been thinking of
getting one of these
beauties for myself.

-[kicking tire]
-They come in any other colors?

Hawkeye, do you mind?
I-- I'm in rather a hurry.

Oh, hey, why don't
I drive you?

Give me a chance to
road test this beauty.

Hawkeye, I-- I have a driver.

Oh. So you do.

-Okay.
-[engine starts]

So, uh, what kind
of mileage do you get?

Uh, Hawkeye, could we
talk about this later, huh?

-Oh, sure.
-Heh. Go ahead.

Good acceleration.

-Well, Scully!
-Hawkeye!

Thanks for the lift, Bradford.
I'll see you around.

Look what the lull dragged in.

Never miss a chance to visit
my favorite party town,
the 4077th.

What do you wanna
do first:

carouse, carry on,
rouse rabble?

I wanna do all of the above,
preferably at the same time.

I even borrowed a couple
of bottles of French wine.

I traded some
Chinese weapons for 'em.

Terrific! Ha-ha!
Terrific. I love it.

-I love this guy. Let's go.
-Uh, Hawkeye,

you're really cute,
and probably a
wonderful dancer,

but I didn't risk my neck
gettin' here so I could
waltz with you.

You mean Margaret?

You'd rather frolic with
a sultry, voluptuous blonde

than with a skinny,
pale brunette?

I'm just funny that way.

There's no accounting
for taste.

Just so I don't sue you
for breach of binge,

just have a drink
with me before you go.

-Hawkeye, I have things to do.
-Come on. Gimme a break.

One little drink.
I'll buy. Come on.

Under the best
of circumstances,

this condition is very
difficult to treat.

Hunnicutt, Hunnicutt,
Hunnicutt!

An opening sentence
should reach out,

grab the reader by the throat,

commanding him,

"Read me. Devour me.

Rush with me in headlong
flight to the conclusion."

Yours whimpers lamely,
"Wake me when it's over."

What do you suggest?
"The Charge of
the Light Brigade"?

No. Just a little originality
to keep the reader

from skipping over
to the forceps ads.

Here's just a random thought:

The hell of war
insinuated itself

through every fiber
of the operating room.

-That's certainly interesting.
-Thank you.

-It's forceful
but understated, I think.
-Not that.

-What?
-That. "Written by."
You listed your name first.

Well, someone has
to be listed first.

I mean, it doesn't make
any difference.

-Fine. Then put my name first.
-Are you mad?

Let's just get on
with the work.

As soon as
we settle this, fairly.

I suggest we list
the names alphabetically,

Winchester with a "W."

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I suggest
we list the names
by rank, Captain.

You outrank me as an officer,
not as a surgeon.

-Actually, I outrank you
especially as a surgeon.
-[laughs] Cute.

I still want to know
who it was that decided

that Charles Emerson
Winchester III goes first

and B.J. Hunnicutt
the first goes second.

The events decided it.
Corporal Howser was my patient.

-You merely assisted.
-What?

Look. By all rights,
that should read,

"Written by Dr. Charles Emerson
Winchester III, et al."

-And I'm "Al"?
-Among others.

Is that so?

Well, there are people here

who can describe
my contribution

to the Howser surgery
in minute detail.

-Is that so?
-Yes.

Then by all means,
let us seek them out.

It shouldn't take more
than a "minute," Al.

-[Charles, B.J. arguing]
-Will you please
stop bothering me?

I don't know,
and I don't care.

What Margaret is
so delicately saying is,

she doesn't
wanna take sides.

Let me refresh
your memory.

The man was in
desperate shape.

Hunnicutt said, "Well,
I'm afraid we're gonna
lose him."

I said, "Lose is
not in my vocabulary.

-This man shall be saved."
-Then you said, "Quick,
Hunnicutt, what will I do?"

You two yahoos think
you'll finish this article

before you reach puberty?

-[whistles]
-B.J.: Oh, ho, ho!

-Scully.
-Margaret.

It's great to see ya.

It's great to see you too,
especially in one piece.

Huh.

So, how about a nice game
of Simon Says?

Seems to be a lot of static
electricity around here.

Sergeant, how long
has it been

since you had your
shots records checked?

-It's been too long, I'm sure.
-Well, you better
get to it then.

This would be a terrible time
for this man to come down
with a case of lockjaw.

-Then, shall we go, Sergeant?
-Margaret, Can I ask you

one simple question
about the operation?

Of course.

Dedicated nurse,
that Major Houlihan.

You said it, Colonel.
She'll stay with that
patient day and night.

Now, as for you two,
I suggest you get back
to work P.D.Q.

Colonel, I wanna settle this.

I'm not gonna let
"Dr. Did-little"

rob me of
the credit I deserve.

One cannot rob an empty safe.

What's this?
Trouble in paradise?

Is Jeanette MacDonald stomping
on Nelson Eddy's Mountie hat?

Look, men,
this paper is important.

It could show
the folks back home

we're not just some Band-Aid
and baling wire outfit.

This kind of recognition
can benefit us all.

So park your carcasses
in the Swamp,

put those egos in neutral,

and write the damn paper!

-All right, Colonel.
I'll do my part.
-And I shall do mine.

And I'll make sure they don't
punch on the break.

Well, the minute
the shooting stopped,

I grabbed my stuff and
made tracks for your door.

-Well, I'm glad you did.
-Pour me a drink.

Sure.

[sighs]

[chuckles]
Boy, I can't tell you
what it's like

-to look at a face
that doesn't need a shave.
-[both laugh]

If we can't have peace,
here's to temporary lulls.

Oh,Jack.

Why don't I go wash off
some of the war?

That'll give you
a chance to--

how do they say it
in the movies--

slip into something
a little more comfortable.

You must have a nice sexy dress
in there somewhere.

Not really,Jack.
We don't have a lot of
cocktail parties here.

Yeah, I guess not.
It's just that a guy likes

to see his gal get
all dolled up for him.

-Well, we're not really
going anywhere.
-[chuckles]

I can buy that.

Here, I'll trade
you this for a towel.

Jack, you are the most
adorable man.

-Just look at you.
-What?

You were in such a rush
to get to see me,

you put on somebody
else's shirt.

Someone might think
you were nothing more
than a lowly private.

-I am a lowly private.
-What?

Some kid second looey

tried to tell me how
to deploy my men.

We disagreed,
so I punctuated my feelings

with a right cross
to his peach fuzz.

And they demoted you?
Tsk. How terrible.

It's only a couple
of stripes.

I'm not gonna lose
any sleep over it.

But,Jack, in the army,
rank means everything.

Oh, come on, Margaret.

My rank goes up and down
so much,

the C.O. calls me "Yo-yo."

-That's terrible.
-Doesn't change a thing.

When we're movin' up a ridge
with a Commie .30

tryin' to cut us in half,
it's me the guys follow--

and that includes
the lieutenants.

That's what I mean, Jack.
You're too good for this.

You're brave.
You're intelligent.

-You're officer material.
-Thanks, but no thanks.

I've been offered
battlefield commissions.
I turned 'em down.

-You what?
-I don't want that, Margaret.

If I were an officer,
I'd have to hang around
with 'em.

-I don't like officers.
-I'm an officer.

Well, that's not the same.
You're a nurse.

That's an honorary thing,
just so you can boss around
a bunch of nurses.

-But not men,
not real soldiers.
-Is that so?

Well, let me tell you
something, soldier.

I'm damn proud of these.

Nobody gave them to me.
I earned them.

And I'm just as much a major
as any other major.

You'll notice these
leaves come in gold,

-not pink for girls
and blue for boys.
-Hmm.

Oh. Well, you are a major--
a real, live tough one

just like the guy
I left back at the company.

You've got the brass
for it, all right.

No wonder it's
all khaki in here.

You know the old saying,
"The clothes make the man."

That's enough, Scully!

Permission to get the hell
out of here, sir.

And it was at this point
that Dr. Winchester

decided to mobilize
and exteriorize
the descending colon.

That does it! Winchester,
I've been letting you
glorify yourself

in order to get this thing done,
but enough is too much.

-Exteriorizing the colon
was my idea.
-Ha!

Festival of errors,
Hunnicutt.

It is I who have acquiesced
for the sake of expediency.

It was I who determined
that the colon be so treated

and it was I who performed
said procedure.

-Brilliantly, I might add.
-Ha, ha, ha.

Now you're telling me
it was an "I" operation--

"I" as in first person
insufferable.

Look, I've just about had it
with your snide effrontery,
"Hunni-twit."

-Oh, you-- you--
-I? You--

[laughing]

T-H-E-R-E-M on your "in."
"Theremin!"

That's one plus triple-letter
"H," is, uh, 13, 17, 27.

What's this?
You can't make up words.

I didn't make up a word.
"Theremin."

It's an electrical musical
instrument.

They use it in movies
all the time. It goes--
[whistling hum]

-Your turn.
-I don't wanna play anymore.

Aw, come on.

You're killin' me.
It's crazy.

My best word was "pig."
You only let me use one "G."

All right. Okay.
I lost my head, all right?

I made a mistake. You can use
all the G's you want.

You can use an "X"
if you've got it.

I quit.

Quit? You quit?

That's got a "Q" in it.
That's 10 points right there.

You don't even have
to have the letters.

Just saying it counts.

-Give me a beer, Igor.
-Margaret, you're alone.

Brilliant observation,
Sherlock.

Well, since there seems to be
a little break in the action,

I have the perfect way to
fill those empty minutes:
a Scrabble game.

No. I've played enough games
for one day, thank you.

Ah. The major
seems miffed.

You and Scully have
a little spat?

Scully is a creep,
a jerk and an ignoramus.

"Ignoramus"?
Margaret, do you realize

that's at least
a 15-point insult?

Let your hostility
work for you.

Oh, I could just kill
that man.

Well, he got
what he deserves.

-He should be a private.
-Scully is a private?

And then he has the gall
to be huffy with me

because my military career

is more important to me
than his is to him.

He has the most twisted sense
of values I've ever seen.

He doesn't know
a woman can be a woman

-and be a major
at the same time.
-Yeah, well--

And be damn good
at both of them.

Margaret, that's just Scully.

I mean, you knew what kind of
guy he was when you met him.

-Right. A typical man.
-Don't lump us all together.

Scully and I are completely
different kinds of guys,

but you and I didn't get along
so hot either.

That's exactly my point.
You different men are all alike.

Frank Burns, Donald--
my former unwedded husband--

you, and now this ninny.

Well, excuse us all
for not being perfect.

Perfect? Huh.
None of you even tried.

Margaret, it's not that easy
to become something else

that somebody
wants you to be.

Believe me. I spent a
lifetime not doing it.

I couldn't do it in med school
for the woman I loved,

and I won't do it now
for an army I hate.

You can't order people
according to your own
specifications.

You gotta take them as is.

People can change when
they mean enough to each other.

And that stubborn,
pigheaded,jackass Scully
has to learn that.

Look, why don't you just
chalk this up to experience

and forget about Scully?

Because I like him,
ya dummy!

Major, that is really you.

Don't give me that hooey.

How am I gonna knock
Scully's eyes out

if I look like a sack
of barley?

Patience, madam.
We can do wonders

with a little tuck here
and a ribbon there.

I have not yet begun
to alter.

Alter, schmalter.

We are a bit temperamental
today, aren't we?

Just relax and have faith.

You did the right thing
coming to me.

After all, I am Mr. Max,
couturier to the high-ranking.

Klinger, I need a dress
that shows I'm soft,
alluring and demure.

And if you don't help me,
I'm gonna break your cheeks.

Well, well, all's quiet
on the eastern front.

-Did I come in between rounds?
-We're each writing
our own paper.

Wearying of vituperation,
we have decided to let
Colonel Potter determine

whose version
represents the truth,

and whose version is
a vile and vulgar fraud.

You might stand a chance,
Charles, if Colonel Potter
accepts bribes.

-Boob! -Idiot!

Excuse me, Captain Boob,
Major Idiot.

-What's goin' on here?
-The Brothers Grimm

are writing their very own
separate papers.

-You get to grade them, teach'.
-I'm ready to put a dunce cap
on the both of them.

Hunnicutt, Winchester,
pencils up. Come over here.

I've been thinking
about all the people

who had a hand in
your little stitch-and-sew.

And you know what?
There were an awful lot of'em.

-Starting with--
-Starting with up on the line.

The combat medics
and evac people

did one hell of a job even
getting Howser to us alive.

-Wouldn't you agree,
Winchester?
-Yes.

And Margaret must've set
a camp record getting him
prepped. Right, Hunnicutt?

-Huh? Huh?
-Yeah, I guess so.

And don't forget, you were
the one who saw Howser

in triage and
got him right inside.

Right. And then we bounced
suggestions off one another,

everyone throwing in
their two cents' worth.

Everybody.

Just like we always do.
And how about you?

You took extra patients
so these two could double
their time on Howser.

I was just being indispensable.

And how about the folks
who took care of Howser
in post-op?

How about the people down at
the evac hospital in Seoul?

The medics in San Francisco?

-Walter Reed?
-Walter Reed? How about--

-I'm running out
of "how abouts."
-How about Howser himself?

How about him?
Damn brave kid.

I'm getting the impression
this was far

from an individual
accomplishment.

Aw, there. You see?
And all it took was a simple
clubbing over the head.

It would indeed seem
that this was a--
a team effort.

I, um-- I find myself somewhat
embarrassed

at having assumed more credit
than was actually my due.

Let's start writing
the paper again,

-beginning with who gets credit.
-Agreed.

Why don't we submit the paper
from the entire MASH 4077th?

-Et al.
-[chuckles]

Now you're talkin'.

-Let's do 'er.
-You big lugs.

Scully, I've been lookin' all
over for ya. Where ya been?

I was down at Rosie's
havin' five for the road.

Major Houlihan wants
to see ya--

something about signing
a transportation voucher

so you can go back
to your unit.

I don't need a voucher.
Just stick me on a truck.

Look, what do you want
from me?

We got a highly refined
system here.

She screams and I jump.

Yeah? Well, Scully
doesn't jump.

I scream and they jump.

Private, I am a corporal.

Don't make me
pull rank on you.

She says it's just routine--
a couple of general questions,
and you can go.

Fine. I've got a couple
of all-purpose answers
I'll be glad to give her.

-[knocks]
-It's Scully.

Come in.

[door closes]

I just needed to know a couple
of things for your voucher

like when you
have to leave.

Well, there's
a truck outside,

but it's, uh,
a little crowded.

Margaret, you look fantastic.

Thank you.

I found this under
an old uniform.

I wanted to see if
it still fit.

It still does.

No, I had to pin it up
here and there.

I've lost a little weight
since I've been here

maybe from throwing it
around too much.

That truck's gettin'
more and more crowded.

Why don't you just sit down
and wait for the next one?

Oh, I think the next two
or three are standing
room only.

[chuckles]
Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's the pins.

Why don't we make ourselves
more comfortable? Here.

-Hang this up. Do you mind?
-Oh, my pleasure.

Let's have another glass
of that wine.

You know what would be
fantastic?

If we could scrounge ourselves
up a hot plate.

-You make a good omelet?
-I love to cook,
when I get the chance.

You know how I like 'em?
With real Italian sausage.

-Later we'll try and find some.
-I try to stay away from
sausage.

You don't want start lettin'
that dress out again, right?

You can make yours without.

You want me
to make two omelets?

One for you and one for me?
I don't really have time
for one.

There's always time
for what counts.

And as soon as I fight my way
through a few of those pins

you're gonna start seein'
what counts and what doesn't.

You make it sound like
one afternoon with you,
and I'll be a new woman.

You won't recognize yourself.

What's the matter?

I thought if I changed myself
for you

-it would make some kind
of an impression.
-[liquid pouring]

It does. I love it.
Come here.

I dress myself up in this
costume for you,

and-- and all you want
is more.

No recognition that I've done
anything special to please you.

You take it for granted
that everything you want
is yours.

-What about what I want?
-[scoffs]

I've gotten used
to giving orders.

I guess deep down,
I'm really a sergeant.

What do you suppose
I am deep down?

Deep, deep down?

-A woman.
-Go a little deeper.

-A major.
-I'm me.

Sometimes a nurse,
sometimes a major,

sometimes a woman in love,

sometimes all three at once.

Sounds like it's crowded
in there.

And sometimes
it's lonely in there.

I'm not sure I can handle
a cast of thousands, Margaret.

I'm used to a simple chain of
command-- with me in command.

And me in chains.

[sucks teeth]
I think I feel a space
opening up on that truck.

I think I'm gonna miss you
more than you know.

Cooking eggs
and playing house

would make for
a fine afternoon,

and a couple of months ago,
that would have been enough.

But now I want more out
of my life than an afternoon.

Okay, Margaret.
Then I'll say good-bye.

Tell everybody in there
I said so long.

-Two beers.
-Thanks, I'm having scotch.

-They're both for me.
-Uh-huh.

Lovely drink, beer--

more fizz than whiz,

but a real quencher
in life's arid moments.

I didn't come in here
for conversation,

so take your beer talk
and can it.

Here you go, Margaret.
Put your torch out in that.

I don't have a torch, pal.
I've got smoldering embers.

I could have a bonfire,

if I didn't keep running
into guys

who only wanted
to get their hands warm.

Well, one day
you'll find Mr. Right.

Yeah, the latest
Mr. Right just left.

I've got the only heart
in Korea with a revolving door.

Well, no more, buddy-o.

From now on,
I check them first

to see they meet the minimum
standard requirements.

-And what are they?
-Twenty percent my father.

10% Scully.

-About 10% of you.
-Oh. Thank you.

Three percent
of Frank Burns.

And two percent
of my ex-husband.

-Mmm.
-One percent of my ex-husband.

Aha. Mmm.

Maybe you and I
are just too choosy.

We're both waiting
for a custom fit

in an off-the-rack world.

Sounds like a long wait.

Well, I have just the thing
to pass the time away.

-You ever played
double-solitaire Scrabble?
-Double solitaire?

Yeah. You make whatever
you can outta what you got,

and I make whatever
I can outta what I got.

And we don't score
off each other.

And if you need
any extra letters

like a "Y" for "sympathy,"

you can borrow one of mine.

How many points do I get

-if I find "L-O-V-E"?
-You win the game.

"Harknrf."

-Well, I guess I keep looking.
-[chuckles]

♪♪ [theme]

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