M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 9 - Baby, It's Cold Outside - full transcript
When the temperature falls to new lows, the camp suffers. The wounded come in with low temperatures and frostbite. Winchester gets a winter suit from his parents and generously gives the gloves to Margaret, a gesture he immediately regrets and tries to undo.
[theme music playing]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
Here's a sampling of world temperatures.
Miami Beach, a warm 85.
Majorca, a balmy 79.
Santiago-- chilly?
Not today! 94 degrees.
And closer to home,we can expect a warming trend.
Our midday temperaturesreaching puberty levels,
13 to 16 degrees.
-I'm not in your way, am I?-No.
I'd like to be.
Ah, swell,
the fire's dying down.
There's a dead logwe can throw on the fire.
Look at him. Charles,why aren't you freezinglike the rest of us?
Because I have yoursuffering to keep me warm.
He's cold.
He's got to be cold.
He's just doingthe hot act to spite us.
Actually, gentlemen, I am
not altogether unaffected
by this arctic blast,
but I refuse to huddle
around a fire
like you two
cringing pack wolves.
Pack wolves?
I've never beenso insulted in my life.
-[barking]
-[snarling]
Attention! Supply truck entering compound.
The faster we help unload,
the faster we'll get
out of the cold
and back into
our freezing tents.
[groaning]
-Lovely day,
isn't it, Margaret?
-MARGARET: Ohh!
The sun is shining,
the breeze is blowing.
Just listen to those birdsdropping off the trees.
How could it get this cold?
Margaret, it's quite simple.
Actually, you're only as coldas your mind allows you to be.
It's a philosophical problem.
Philosophical!
My hands are so frozen,
I'll have to chisel themout of these gloves.
-Is there a Major
Winchester here?
-Unfortunately.
Package for you.Special delivery.
Oh, it's from Mom and Dad.
They worry about me
so unnecessarily.
You're still their
little punishment
from heaven, Charles.
Ah! It's a polar suit!
They shouldn't have...
but then again.
-Planning a trip to Mars?-Ah!
Just what you needed,Mr. Mind-Over-Matter.
How could Mumsie and Dad
send you one and forget me?
Don't stay out too long,children.
Come in before it gets cold.[chuckles]
Polar suit.
It will look wonderfulon you, Charles.
Wear it in good health.
Tonight, we poison his food.
Got a film for you here.
It being winter
in the army,
I'll guess
Nanook of the North.
Close. Sonja Henie
skating her guts out
in Sun Valley Serenade.
You save the seats.
I'll get the Eskimo pies.
Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.
All medical teams
are instructed
to button up
their overcoats.
The heat's on at last.
POTTER: Chest wound.
Type and cross two unitsof whole blood right now.
Frostbite, left hand.Put some warm towels on it.
Make sure the temperature's
between 100 and 110.
Need some more
warm compresses here.
MARGARET: On their way!
Doc, I can't feel my foot.
Don't worry,here comes the spring thaw.
What about that?Can you feel that?
-I don't know.
-Give it a minute.
Hey, it hurts.
Good, that's your circulationcoming back.
-Um...
-It's okay,you can thank me later.
Morphine, ten milligrams.
We've got to keep these boysplenty warm warm tonight.
You'll have to take someheaters from the tents again.
Sir, the last time
I did that,
they hid my glasses
in the meatloaf.
Then do it when we're in O.R.
Good thinking.
They don't give you the bigbird for being handsome.
CHARLES: All right, people,attention here, please.
Attention here.This is the last of them.
I'll be the son
of Princess Papooli.
What the hell is that?
It's Charles modeling
his new winter home.
How can you wearthat big, thick suit
in front of all thesefrostbite patients?
It's a little bulky,but I think I can manage.
Besides, what possible good
would it do them now?
Nurse, my harpoon.
-Hawkeye.
-Yeah?
What's up?
A very rapid pulse,but it's difficult to count
because it's so weak.
He's so cold, it's
not even registering.
Hypothermia?
Must be about 85°.
Probably saved him, though.
Cold slowed down
his metabolism.
Otherwise, he might
have bled to death.
Start warming him here,
and get him into O.R.
-I'll take him first thing.-Right.
All right, Good Humor men,let's scrub up.
I hope you melt in that thing.
[chuckles]So do I.
HAWKEYE:
I don't believe it.
Will you look at this guy?
He's ice cold.
Must have been inthe freezer section for hours.
What's his temp?
It's still not registering.
B.J.:Dying in a winter wonderland.
CHARLES: Nurse,could you snap it upjust a bit, please?
I'd like to slip outof this abdomen
and back intomy nice warm suit.
Sponge.
What I really need
is ice tongs.
-Rough going, son?-Cleaned out his wound,
but he's so cold,
he can't get a rise
out of his thermometer.
Suture.
Is there anything more
I can do?
Yeah, see if kissing this manwill get his temperature up.
Doctor...
Or kiss me and seewhat you can do for mine.
Pierce, before
the major tells me
to tell you to shut up,
shut up.
Snitch.
Look, get a pan
of hot water.
Let's try warming the bloodas it goes through the tubing.
-Maybe that will help
bring him out of it.
-Yes, Doctor.
[knocking]
Coming!
-Oh!
-Major.
-Oh, Admiral Byrd.
-You look cold.
-You noticed.
-Yes, right away.
Margaret, I've been thinking.It just isn't fair
for me wearingthis comfortable suit
while you're working upa sweat to stay warm.
I'd like to rectify that.
-Gloves?
-Fur-lined.
They came with the suit.You were complainingabout your hands.
I'd like to propose a trade--your thin gloves for these.
I'd like to prove that
I'm just as hardy
as the next man.
In this case, you.
Gloves. Big deal.
If you want to prove
how tough you are,
why don't you give me
your jacket?
Margaret, be practical.
Take it or leave it.
Very well.
-Major!
-Hmm?
It's very thoughtful of you.Thank you.
Just doing what little I can.
Ain't it the truth.
[Hawkeye moaning]
I don't believe
it's getting colder.
Believe it!
The mercury went underfor the third time.
How do you like
that little Fahrenheist?
He's stealing
our stove again!
This time, I'm hiding
his glasses in the latrine!
While he's wearing them!
[all moaning]
Why is it so cold in here?
Has the stove gone out?
Right out the door.
What happened to it?
Radar moved the stoves
into post-op.
Where they're shorton polar suits.
My hands--I can't exposethem to this kind of cold.
Stick them under your armpits,Charles, and play us a tune.
[chuckles]
Very funny.
Never mind, gentlemen.
I've come prepared.
I've already taken
measures that are--
[fabric ripping]
-Absolutely useless!-Fits you like a glove.
The mess tent.
There's a heater in there.
Let's go with him.
You go first, Charles,and bring around the sled.
-Mush.
-Get out of my way!
-[wind howling]
-[groaning]
I think we can do it
if we hold our breath.
If you don't make it,can I have your wool socks?
[both screaming]
Baby, it's cold outside.
Close that door!
ALL: Close the door!
Radar's been busy.
Shall we mingle
and break the ice?
Well, you all have
the right idea here.
But as a doctor,
I can assure you
we'll be a lot warmer
if we press
our bodies together.
So let's line up here.
Girl, boy, girl,
the rest of you
are on your own.
Margaret,about the gloves.
Oh, yes, I do love them,
Charles.
-They're so warm.
-Are they?
Why aren't you
wearing mine?
Actually,I don't need them.
I was concerned becauseI was making you wear those
during the painfulbreaking-in period.
-Breaking-in period?
-Yes, of course.
You see,in a glove such as this,
there's usually a twoto three-day break-in period
during which the glovemay be too tight--
But these aren't.
-Or too loose.
-No, no, no.
I haven't the right to ask youto go through that.
But you have the right.
I don't want the right,I want the gloves.
Margaret, it couldbe very dangerous.
I live for thrills.
HAWKEYE: All right,let's take it from the top.
One, two, three--
♪ We're having a heat wave♪
♪ A tropical heat wave♪
Good. Men only.
♪ The temperature's rising♪
♪ It isn't surprising♪
Nurses!
♪ She certainly can can-can♪
Good. Ladies who will meet melater in my tent, let's hear it.
You certainly know howto kill a party, don't you?
You don't think this is
the proverbial hell freezingover, do you, Father?
Oh, no, no. I'm sureI'd have been informed
if anything that bigwere on the agenda.
[crowd booing]
Uh, Colonel Potter, sir,
all the heaters
that you ordered
are in post-op
as per you orders, sir.
[booing]
Don't let it
bother you, Radar.
Help yourself to a cup
of hot chocolate.
I'd like to, sir,
but chocolate makes
my face break out.
Who's going to know?
Why me?
Why ain't I back in Toledo
lounging in some
deserted junkyard?
Oh, that's good,
talking to yourself.
You really are a wacko.[chuckles]
Yeah, but try and convinceanybody who counts.
[shells explode]
Hey! Hey! Enemy attack!
-Radar, stay back!
-What is it?
What the hell's going on?Klinger, are you all right?
-Shelling!-Where's it coming from?
-[shell explodes]
-That a way.
Sir, would you mindgetting off my foot?
Radar, I'm petrified.You'll have to wait.
-[shell explodes]
-What's out there?
-It's our mine field.
-Ours?
They shouldn't go off like thatuntil we tell them to.
They'll be popping all night.I've seen it before.
The frost in ice
contracts the ground.
The pressure sets them off.
-Stop!
-It's okay, Klinger.
-It's our mine field.
-They're shelling!
-Friendly explosions.-He's really shaken up.
Let's get him insideand give him something.
He can have what I'm having.
He's wearing
his entire closet.
Here. This will clear outthe moths.
Hold on tight. He's liableto inhale your arm.
Hey! Hey, you trying
to kill me?
This from a man who brusheshis teeth with raw garlic.
-You feel better now?
-What?
You feel better now?
Don't do that.
That's not funny.
What's not funny?
Quit kidding around,
you guys.
Talk to me.
Make some sounds.
We are making sounds.
-Can't you hear us?
-I can't hear.
-What?
-What?
I can see your mouth moving,but I can't hear any words.
I can't even hear myself.
Klinger, deafness willget you out of the army,
but if this is a scam,I'll nail your sorry hide.
[loud clank]
Inner ear concussion?
Those mines will find youone way or the other.
What are you saying?
You're talking,
and I can't hear you!
-We know!-Take it easy, Klinger.
There's a chance
it'll clear up.
What? What? What!
There's a chanceit'll clear itself.
Doctor, could you takea look at Sergeant Dovolio?
His temperature'sdropping.
I'm on my way.
Keep your eyes on his ears.
Am I saying anything?
I can't see myself talk.
-Let me see myself.
-Here.
-Stay with him.
-Yeah.
Hello. Hello.
I've never seena hypothermia case this bad.
Would more blanketsor a hot water bottle help?
He's got enough on him now
to melt Siberia.
Let's try something
more drastic.
Put a tube down
in his stomach
and lavage him
with warm "D" and "W."
Start some warm water enemas.
If that doesn't work,we'll send for Gypsy Rose Lee.
Max, it's me.
Max Klinger.
Oh, Max.
How I yearn for the soundof your voice.
What's the good word?
"Heat,"
which he's lacking.
No change?
We're in the fourth quarterof a tight ball game, Colonel.
I think it's time to go in
for the big play.
Okay. You call it.
Immerse him in warm water.
It won't do much
for his complexion,
but it may just
keep him alive.
We've got to raise
his temperature.
Immersing could kill him,
and what aboutpost-op infection?
That water's gonna migratealong those silk sutures.
He'll have seepageinto the wounds.
Okay, you got several points.
Let's just give hima little more time.
I'll stay here
and watch him for a while.
Oh, I was hopingyou'd say that.
I've got Sonja Heniewarming up in the projector.
I never thanked herfor the autographed herring.
They say skating's
in the thighs.
You ever notice
Sonja Henie thighs?
Not me. I'm only
interested in her mind.
In my younger days,I used to dream aboutskating away with her
down a frozen fjord in Norway.
Yeah, I really fell for her
again and again and again.
I can't believe it.
Look at me. I'm deaf!
Why the hell couldn't they
leave me in Toledo?
I wasn't bothering anyone.
Wait a minute.
Boy, you take things
for granted, don't you?
All the beautiful sounds
I'll never hear again.
The sizzle of
a Hungarian hot dog.
The kiss of an eight ball.
The wail of police sirens
and the cops yelling...
"Hey, you, camel nose!
Up against the wall!"
-Can you hear all this?-Mm-hmm.
The sweet "thwack"
of a cue stick
breaking over
some guy's head.
Gone. It's all gone.
Oh, please,
let me hear again!
Now, Klinger, this is gonnamake you feel better.
Just like a shotin the arm.
What do you mean
you're gonna stick
that in my ear?
You think I can't
read lips?
Nurse,a little help here.
You get away from me
with that.
This is just
a little sedative
-to help you sleep.
-Oh, no, no.
-Oh, yes.
-Now, B.J. No, no.
B.J., oh, no! No, no!
[moaning]
Okay, easy, easy.
[sighs]
Very nice. Okay.
There you go.
Good night,
sweet prince.
[slurring] Oh, no.
I can't see, either.
♪ [classical]
MARGARET: Oh, my.
Just look how graceful
they are.
POTTER: Ha ha!I'm loving this.
CHARLES: It's quite
an amusing little film,
isn't it, Margaret?
No, you can'thave your gloves.
I thought I'd
buy them from you
or lease them
if you prefer.
They're not for saleor lease.
$45 is a fair price.
Watch the movie.
55 is my last offer.
And this is my last no.
Shh!
POTTER:
Radar, now watch this.
This one will be a real doozy.
RADAR: Ooh. Boy,
how does she do thatwithout throwing up?
You know, Father,
watching Sonja Henie
makes you believe
in a supreme being.
You don't create somethinglike that by accident.
Yes. He must have beenpaying very close attention
to His work that day.
I tell you what.
Why don't you give me
those gloves now,
and I'll have Mom send
two pair from home
next week?
I don't care if she sends mea full house. No.
You'll be hearing
from my attorney.
Shh! And that's an order!
POTTER:I haven't seen such precision
since Radio City Music Hall.
Boy, those Rockettes.
Ever see the Rockettes, Radar?
Just on the Fourth
of July, sir.
Right.
Margaret--
Are you still at it?
Margaret, settle down.
I merely want to apologize
for my behavior.
This bitter weather's turnedme into an absolute cad.
You can say that again.
Can you ever forgive me,
Margaret?
-Oh, of course.
-Ooh...
Oh, that's warm.
Get Colonel Potter.
-Now?
-Right now.
[music playing]
Here's the part I've beenwaiting for--the big finale.
This is supposed to bewhere she does a triple-axle
and ends up in a split.
Oh, wouldn't you know?
Now I'll never get
to see it.
His body temperature'sstill about 85 degrees.
His pulse is irregular.
-Okay, we immerse him.
-No argument from me.
I suppose you've figured
out what we're going
to immerse him in.
Sure. B.J.?
Thank you. Let's see...The sink's too small.
-What about a tent canvas?-Too awkward.
Colonel? Colonel,
you should have seen
the end of the movie.
-Not now, Radar.-It was no Song of Bernadette,
but it had some fine moments.
Radar, we've got to dunk
Dovolio in hot water.
What have you got
that's big enough
to hold him?
-You mean all of 'em?
-A sink?
Sorry,that's already been sunk.
The bubble off oneof the choppers.
How are you gonna
get it off?
I'm not.It's a lousy idea.
Radar?
No. You're gonna
think it's funny.
-What? What?-Come on, son, tell us.
Okay, you promiseyou won't think it's weird?
I promise.
I promise.
What about a coffin?
Radar, that's weird.
But it's a great idea.
Can you dig one up?
Yeah, there's one
in the supply room.
Yeah, we were shooting crapson it a couple of nights ago.
It could be linedwith ponchos.
Yeah, come on, Radar,
let's get it.
It will be nice
putting a coffin
to good use for a change.
-Where is it, Radar?
-I don't know.
"Standard snow boot,
model L51-g."
Radar, why weren't thesesnow boots distributed?
They're not exactly
regulation.
60 pair are like that?
No, some have straps.
-There's our box--uh, tub.-Yeah.
Listen, Father,you mind if I take that end?
'Cause walking backwardsalways makes me nauseous.
By all means, Radar.
Holy cow, is this heavy.Wait a minute.
Let me get a better grip,Father.
[groaning]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Hey, I know what's in here--I mean, who'sin there.
I mean, I don't know whowho,but I know what who.
Radar,
get a hold of yourself.
There's a whatchamacallitin there.
-No, there isn't!
-Yes, there is!
Oh, no!Father, don't do that!
-Look!
-Oh, no! You look!
-Radar.
-Oh! Oh, my gosh!
Father, put it back on him!
Radar...
the dear departed snow boots.
You can forget what it is,this makes a real nice bathtub.
You bathe in it.
It's like a scene
from "Esther WilliamsMeets Dracula."
Fifteen more minutes,
he's got the world's record
for backstroke in a coffin.
His heartbeat
is really irregular.
We're losing him.
[gasping]
[exhales]
Uh-oh, I've lost it.
Cardiac arrest.
-Get him out of here.
-Clear that gurney.
HAWKEYE:
Ambu bag!
POTTER: Calciumand two amps of bicarb!
I'll get up on top of him.
-Ambu bag.-Get some calcium and bicarb.
POTTER:
Okay, I'm doing it.
Get any pulse?
Nothing.
Keep it up, Hawk.
Anything?
Yeah, fairly regular and strong.
He's breathingon his own.
Set up some oxygen,eight liters per minute.
You were right
about the shock.
Yeah, but he's
a lot warmer.
I think we got it.
Let's get him to back bedand continue as before.
That hot bath
turned the trick.
Looks like your suggestionsaved his life, Radar.
Oh, yeah.
Of course, those guyshelped a little too.
Anybody want to buy
a used coffin?
Not on your life.
Hey, what's the ruckus?
You people are really rude.
Can't a guy geta little sleep?
I can hear.I can hear!
Well, come on,say something now!I can hear!
[chattering]
"Congratulations, Klinger,""Saints be praised"
"Proud of you, son,""Atta boy,"
"Hey, that's great."I heard every word! Ha ha!
You're lucky, son.
Oh, I can hear you.
I can hear everything.
♪ I hear music
♪ Mighty fine music
I think liked him better
the other way.
I heard that!
I heard that!
Too bad, son.Loss of hearingwas a perfect out.
That's right. You can't hear,you can't be in the army.
-We do have our standards.-I can't believe my ears.
Sorry, Klinger.
Maybe next time.
-What was that, sir?
-All right, Klinger.
What did you say, sir?It's gone again.
-I can't hear now.
-It's too late, son.
They?
Knock it off!
It won't work!
All right, already.You don't have to yell.
What do you think I am, deaf?
Father, before we drinkthis blessed soup,
would you like to bless it?
Oh, yes.
Well, looks like I'm on.
Dear Lord, for what we
are about to receive,
we thank Thee.
And in reference to our
conversation of yesterday,
it's still rather nippy
down here.
There. How's that?
Oh--Amen.
ALL: Amen.
Okay, Father, you blessed it,you taste it.
Might as well
go all the way.
Well?
Meh...
Klinger, do the honors,will you?
[crowd clamoring]
Here you are, Margaret.
No point in both of uswaiting in that line.
-How considerate.
-De nada.
-Oh, thank you!
-Thank you.
[theme music playing]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
Here's a sampling of world temperatures.
Miami Beach, a warm 85.
Majorca, a balmy 79.
Santiago-- chilly?
Not today! 94 degrees.
And closer to home,we can expect a warming trend.
Our midday temperaturesreaching puberty levels,
13 to 16 degrees.
-I'm not in your way, am I?-No.
I'd like to be.
Ah, swell,
the fire's dying down.
There's a dead logwe can throw on the fire.
Look at him. Charles,why aren't you freezinglike the rest of us?
Because I have yoursuffering to keep me warm.
He's cold.
He's got to be cold.
He's just doingthe hot act to spite us.
Actually, gentlemen, I am
not altogether unaffected
by this arctic blast,
but I refuse to huddle
around a fire
like you two
cringing pack wolves.
Pack wolves?
I've never beenso insulted in my life.
-[barking]
-[snarling]
Attention! Supply truck entering compound.
The faster we help unload,
the faster we'll get
out of the cold
and back into
our freezing tents.
[groaning]
-Lovely day,
isn't it, Margaret?
-MARGARET: Ohh!
The sun is shining,
the breeze is blowing.
Just listen to those birdsdropping off the trees.
How could it get this cold?
Margaret, it's quite simple.
Actually, you're only as coldas your mind allows you to be.
It's a philosophical problem.
Philosophical!
My hands are so frozen,
I'll have to chisel themout of these gloves.
-Is there a Major
Winchester here?
-Unfortunately.
Package for you.Special delivery.
Oh, it's from Mom and Dad.
They worry about me
so unnecessarily.
You're still their
little punishment
from heaven, Charles.
Ah! It's a polar suit!
They shouldn't have...
but then again.
-Planning a trip to Mars?-Ah!
Just what you needed,Mr. Mind-Over-Matter.
How could Mumsie and Dad
send you one and forget me?
Don't stay out too long,children.
Come in before it gets cold.[chuckles]
Polar suit.
It will look wonderfulon you, Charles.
Wear it in good health.
Tonight, we poison his food.
Got a film for you here.
It being winter
in the army,
I'll guess
Nanook of the North.
Close. Sonja Henie
skating her guts out
in Sun Valley Serenade.
You save the seats.
I'll get the Eskimo pies.
Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.
All medical teams
are instructed
to button up
their overcoats.
The heat's on at last.
POTTER: Chest wound.
Type and cross two unitsof whole blood right now.
Frostbite, left hand.Put some warm towels on it.
Make sure the temperature's
between 100 and 110.
Need some more
warm compresses here.
MARGARET: On their way!
Doc, I can't feel my foot.
Don't worry,here comes the spring thaw.
What about that?Can you feel that?
-I don't know.
-Give it a minute.
Hey, it hurts.
Good, that's your circulationcoming back.
-Um...
-It's okay,you can thank me later.
Morphine, ten milligrams.
We've got to keep these boysplenty warm warm tonight.
You'll have to take someheaters from the tents again.
Sir, the last time
I did that,
they hid my glasses
in the meatloaf.
Then do it when we're in O.R.
Good thinking.
They don't give you the bigbird for being handsome.
CHARLES: All right, people,attention here, please.
Attention here.This is the last of them.
I'll be the son
of Princess Papooli.
What the hell is that?
It's Charles modeling
his new winter home.
How can you wearthat big, thick suit
in front of all thesefrostbite patients?
It's a little bulky,but I think I can manage.
Besides, what possible good
would it do them now?
Nurse, my harpoon.
-Hawkeye.
-Yeah?
What's up?
A very rapid pulse,but it's difficult to count
because it's so weak.
He's so cold, it's
not even registering.
Hypothermia?
Must be about 85°.
Probably saved him, though.
Cold slowed down
his metabolism.
Otherwise, he might
have bled to death.
Start warming him here,
and get him into O.R.
-I'll take him first thing.-Right.
All right, Good Humor men,let's scrub up.
I hope you melt in that thing.
[chuckles]So do I.
HAWKEYE:
I don't believe it.
Will you look at this guy?
He's ice cold.
Must have been inthe freezer section for hours.
What's his temp?
It's still not registering.
B.J.:Dying in a winter wonderland.
CHARLES: Nurse,could you snap it upjust a bit, please?
I'd like to slip outof this abdomen
and back intomy nice warm suit.
Sponge.
What I really need
is ice tongs.
-Rough going, son?-Cleaned out his wound,
but he's so cold,
he can't get a rise
out of his thermometer.
Suture.
Is there anything more
I can do?
Yeah, see if kissing this manwill get his temperature up.
Doctor...
Or kiss me and seewhat you can do for mine.
Pierce, before
the major tells me
to tell you to shut up,
shut up.
Snitch.
Look, get a pan
of hot water.
Let's try warming the bloodas it goes through the tubing.
-Maybe that will help
bring him out of it.
-Yes, Doctor.
[knocking]
Coming!
-Oh!
-Major.
-Oh, Admiral Byrd.
-You look cold.
-You noticed.
-Yes, right away.
Margaret, I've been thinking.It just isn't fair
for me wearingthis comfortable suit
while you're working upa sweat to stay warm.
I'd like to rectify that.
-Gloves?
-Fur-lined.
They came with the suit.You were complainingabout your hands.
I'd like to propose a trade--your thin gloves for these.
I'd like to prove that
I'm just as hardy
as the next man.
In this case, you.
Gloves. Big deal.
If you want to prove
how tough you are,
why don't you give me
your jacket?
Margaret, be practical.
Take it or leave it.
Very well.
-Major!
-Hmm?
It's very thoughtful of you.Thank you.
Just doing what little I can.
Ain't it the truth.
[Hawkeye moaning]
I don't believe
it's getting colder.
Believe it!
The mercury went underfor the third time.
How do you like
that little Fahrenheist?
He's stealing
our stove again!
This time, I'm hiding
his glasses in the latrine!
While he's wearing them!
[all moaning]
Why is it so cold in here?
Has the stove gone out?
Right out the door.
What happened to it?
Radar moved the stoves
into post-op.
Where they're shorton polar suits.
My hands--I can't exposethem to this kind of cold.
Stick them under your armpits,Charles, and play us a tune.
[chuckles]
Very funny.
Never mind, gentlemen.
I've come prepared.
I've already taken
measures that are--
[fabric ripping]
-Absolutely useless!-Fits you like a glove.
The mess tent.
There's a heater in there.
Let's go with him.
You go first, Charles,and bring around the sled.
-Mush.
-Get out of my way!
-[wind howling]
-[groaning]
I think we can do it
if we hold our breath.
If you don't make it,can I have your wool socks?
[both screaming]
Baby, it's cold outside.
Close that door!
ALL: Close the door!
Radar's been busy.
Shall we mingle
and break the ice?
Well, you all have
the right idea here.
But as a doctor,
I can assure you
we'll be a lot warmer
if we press
our bodies together.
So let's line up here.
Girl, boy, girl,
the rest of you
are on your own.
Margaret,about the gloves.
Oh, yes, I do love them,
Charles.
-They're so warm.
-Are they?
Why aren't you
wearing mine?
Actually,I don't need them.
I was concerned becauseI was making you wear those
during the painfulbreaking-in period.
-Breaking-in period?
-Yes, of course.
You see,in a glove such as this,
there's usually a twoto three-day break-in period
during which the glovemay be too tight--
But these aren't.
-Or too loose.
-No, no, no.
I haven't the right to ask youto go through that.
But you have the right.
I don't want the right,I want the gloves.
Margaret, it couldbe very dangerous.
I live for thrills.
HAWKEYE: All right,let's take it from the top.
One, two, three--
♪ We're having a heat wave♪
♪ A tropical heat wave♪
Good. Men only.
♪ The temperature's rising♪
♪ It isn't surprising♪
Nurses!
♪ She certainly can can-can♪
Good. Ladies who will meet melater in my tent, let's hear it.
You certainly know howto kill a party, don't you?
You don't think this is
the proverbial hell freezingover, do you, Father?
Oh, no, no. I'm sureI'd have been informed
if anything that bigwere on the agenda.
[crowd booing]
Uh, Colonel Potter, sir,
all the heaters
that you ordered
are in post-op
as per you orders, sir.
[booing]
Don't let it
bother you, Radar.
Help yourself to a cup
of hot chocolate.
I'd like to, sir,
but chocolate makes
my face break out.
Who's going to know?
Why me?
Why ain't I back in Toledo
lounging in some
deserted junkyard?
Oh, that's good,
talking to yourself.
You really are a wacko.[chuckles]
Yeah, but try and convinceanybody who counts.
[shells explode]
Hey! Hey! Enemy attack!
-Radar, stay back!
-What is it?
What the hell's going on?Klinger, are you all right?
-Shelling!-Where's it coming from?
-[shell explodes]
-That a way.
Sir, would you mindgetting off my foot?
Radar, I'm petrified.You'll have to wait.
-[shell explodes]
-What's out there?
-It's our mine field.
-Ours?
They shouldn't go off like thatuntil we tell them to.
They'll be popping all night.I've seen it before.
The frost in ice
contracts the ground.
The pressure sets them off.
-Stop!
-It's okay, Klinger.
-It's our mine field.
-They're shelling!
-Friendly explosions.-He's really shaken up.
Let's get him insideand give him something.
He can have what I'm having.
He's wearing
his entire closet.
Here. This will clear outthe moths.
Hold on tight. He's liableto inhale your arm.
Hey! Hey, you trying
to kill me?
This from a man who brusheshis teeth with raw garlic.
-You feel better now?
-What?
You feel better now?
Don't do that.
That's not funny.
What's not funny?
Quit kidding around,
you guys.
Talk to me.
Make some sounds.
We are making sounds.
-Can't you hear us?
-I can't hear.
-What?
-What?
I can see your mouth moving,but I can't hear any words.
I can't even hear myself.
Klinger, deafness willget you out of the army,
but if this is a scam,I'll nail your sorry hide.
[loud clank]
Inner ear concussion?
Those mines will find youone way or the other.
What are you saying?
You're talking,
and I can't hear you!
-We know!-Take it easy, Klinger.
There's a chance
it'll clear up.
What? What? What!
There's a chanceit'll clear itself.
Doctor, could you takea look at Sergeant Dovolio?
His temperature'sdropping.
I'm on my way.
Keep your eyes on his ears.
Am I saying anything?
I can't see myself talk.
-Let me see myself.
-Here.
-Stay with him.
-Yeah.
Hello. Hello.
I've never seena hypothermia case this bad.
Would more blanketsor a hot water bottle help?
He's got enough on him now
to melt Siberia.
Let's try something
more drastic.
Put a tube down
in his stomach
and lavage him
with warm "D" and "W."
Start some warm water enemas.
If that doesn't work,we'll send for Gypsy Rose Lee.
Max, it's me.
Max Klinger.
Oh, Max.
How I yearn for the soundof your voice.
What's the good word?
"Heat,"
which he's lacking.
No change?
We're in the fourth quarterof a tight ball game, Colonel.
I think it's time to go in
for the big play.
Okay. You call it.
Immerse him in warm water.
It won't do much
for his complexion,
but it may just
keep him alive.
We've got to raise
his temperature.
Immersing could kill him,
and what aboutpost-op infection?
That water's gonna migratealong those silk sutures.
He'll have seepageinto the wounds.
Okay, you got several points.
Let's just give hima little more time.
I'll stay here
and watch him for a while.
Oh, I was hopingyou'd say that.
I've got Sonja Heniewarming up in the projector.
I never thanked herfor the autographed herring.
They say skating's
in the thighs.
You ever notice
Sonja Henie thighs?
Not me. I'm only
interested in her mind.
In my younger days,I used to dream aboutskating away with her
down a frozen fjord in Norway.
Yeah, I really fell for her
again and again and again.
I can't believe it.
Look at me. I'm deaf!
Why the hell couldn't they
leave me in Toledo?
I wasn't bothering anyone.
Wait a minute.
Boy, you take things
for granted, don't you?
All the beautiful sounds
I'll never hear again.
The sizzle of
a Hungarian hot dog.
The kiss of an eight ball.
The wail of police sirens
and the cops yelling...
"Hey, you, camel nose!
Up against the wall!"
-Can you hear all this?-Mm-hmm.
The sweet "thwack"
of a cue stick
breaking over
some guy's head.
Gone. It's all gone.
Oh, please,
let me hear again!
Now, Klinger, this is gonnamake you feel better.
Just like a shotin the arm.
What do you mean
you're gonna stick
that in my ear?
You think I can't
read lips?
Nurse,a little help here.
You get away from me
with that.
This is just
a little sedative
-to help you sleep.
-Oh, no, no.
-Oh, yes.
-Now, B.J. No, no.
B.J., oh, no! No, no!
[moaning]
Okay, easy, easy.
[sighs]
Very nice. Okay.
There you go.
Good night,
sweet prince.
[slurring] Oh, no.
I can't see, either.
♪ [classical]
MARGARET: Oh, my.
Just look how graceful
they are.
POTTER: Ha ha!I'm loving this.
CHARLES: It's quite
an amusing little film,
isn't it, Margaret?
No, you can'thave your gloves.
I thought I'd
buy them from you
or lease them
if you prefer.
They're not for saleor lease.
$45 is a fair price.
Watch the movie.
55 is my last offer.
And this is my last no.
Shh!
POTTER:
Radar, now watch this.
This one will be a real doozy.
RADAR: Ooh. Boy,
how does she do thatwithout throwing up?
You know, Father,
watching Sonja Henie
makes you believe
in a supreme being.
You don't create somethinglike that by accident.
Yes. He must have beenpaying very close attention
to His work that day.
I tell you what.
Why don't you give me
those gloves now,
and I'll have Mom send
two pair from home
next week?
I don't care if she sends mea full house. No.
You'll be hearing
from my attorney.
Shh! And that's an order!
POTTER:I haven't seen such precision
since Radio City Music Hall.
Boy, those Rockettes.
Ever see the Rockettes, Radar?
Just on the Fourth
of July, sir.
Right.
Margaret--
Are you still at it?
Margaret, settle down.
I merely want to apologize
for my behavior.
This bitter weather's turnedme into an absolute cad.
You can say that again.
Can you ever forgive me,
Margaret?
-Oh, of course.
-Ooh...
Oh, that's warm.
Get Colonel Potter.
-Now?
-Right now.
[music playing]
Here's the part I've beenwaiting for--the big finale.
This is supposed to bewhere she does a triple-axle
and ends up in a split.
Oh, wouldn't you know?
Now I'll never get
to see it.
His body temperature'sstill about 85 degrees.
His pulse is irregular.
-Okay, we immerse him.
-No argument from me.
I suppose you've figured
out what we're going
to immerse him in.
Sure. B.J.?
Thank you. Let's see...The sink's too small.
-What about a tent canvas?-Too awkward.
Colonel? Colonel,
you should have seen
the end of the movie.
-Not now, Radar.-It was no Song of Bernadette,
but it had some fine moments.
Radar, we've got to dunk
Dovolio in hot water.
What have you got
that's big enough
to hold him?
-You mean all of 'em?
-A sink?
Sorry,that's already been sunk.
The bubble off oneof the choppers.
How are you gonna
get it off?
I'm not.It's a lousy idea.
Radar?
No. You're gonna
think it's funny.
-What? What?-Come on, son, tell us.
Okay, you promiseyou won't think it's weird?
I promise.
I promise.
What about a coffin?
Radar, that's weird.
But it's a great idea.
Can you dig one up?
Yeah, there's one
in the supply room.
Yeah, we were shooting crapson it a couple of nights ago.
It could be linedwith ponchos.
Yeah, come on, Radar,
let's get it.
It will be nice
putting a coffin
to good use for a change.
-Where is it, Radar?
-I don't know.
"Standard snow boot,
model L51-g."
Radar, why weren't thesesnow boots distributed?
They're not exactly
regulation.
60 pair are like that?
No, some have straps.
-There's our box--uh, tub.-Yeah.
Listen, Father,you mind if I take that end?
'Cause walking backwardsalways makes me nauseous.
By all means, Radar.
Holy cow, is this heavy.Wait a minute.
Let me get a better grip,Father.
[groaning]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Hey, I know what's in here--I mean, who'sin there.
I mean, I don't know whowho,but I know what who.
Radar,
get a hold of yourself.
There's a whatchamacallitin there.
-No, there isn't!
-Yes, there is!
Oh, no!Father, don't do that!
-Look!
-Oh, no! You look!
-Radar.
-Oh! Oh, my gosh!
Father, put it back on him!
Radar...
the dear departed snow boots.
You can forget what it is,this makes a real nice bathtub.
You bathe in it.
It's like a scene
from "Esther WilliamsMeets Dracula."
Fifteen more minutes,
he's got the world's record
for backstroke in a coffin.
His heartbeat
is really irregular.
We're losing him.
[gasping]
[exhales]
Uh-oh, I've lost it.
Cardiac arrest.
-Get him out of here.
-Clear that gurney.
HAWKEYE:
Ambu bag!
POTTER: Calciumand two amps of bicarb!
I'll get up on top of him.
-Ambu bag.-Get some calcium and bicarb.
POTTER:
Okay, I'm doing it.
Get any pulse?
Nothing.
Keep it up, Hawk.
Anything?
Yeah, fairly regular and strong.
He's breathingon his own.
Set up some oxygen,eight liters per minute.
You were right
about the shock.
Yeah, but he's
a lot warmer.
I think we got it.
Let's get him to back bedand continue as before.
That hot bath
turned the trick.
Looks like your suggestionsaved his life, Radar.
Oh, yeah.
Of course, those guyshelped a little too.
Anybody want to buy
a used coffin?
Not on your life.
Hey, what's the ruckus?
You people are really rude.
Can't a guy geta little sleep?
I can hear.I can hear!
Well, come on,say something now!I can hear!
[chattering]
"Congratulations, Klinger,""Saints be praised"
"Proud of you, son,""Atta boy,"
"Hey, that's great."I heard every word! Ha ha!
You're lucky, son.
Oh, I can hear you.
I can hear everything.
♪ I hear music
♪ Mighty fine music
I think liked him better
the other way.
I heard that!
I heard that!
Too bad, son.Loss of hearingwas a perfect out.
That's right. You can't hear,you can't be in the army.
-We do have our standards.-I can't believe my ears.
Sorry, Klinger.
Maybe next time.
-What was that, sir?
-All right, Klinger.
What did you say, sir?It's gone again.
-I can't hear now.
-It's too late, son.
They?
Knock it off!
It won't work!
All right, already.You don't have to yell.
What do you think I am, deaf?
Father, before we drinkthis blessed soup,
would you like to bless it?
Oh, yes.
Well, looks like I'm on.
Dear Lord, for what we
are about to receive,
we thank Thee.
And in reference to our
conversation of yesterday,
it's still rather nippy
down here.
There. How's that?
Oh--Amen.
ALL: Amen.
Okay, Father, you blessed it,you taste it.
Might as well
go all the way.
Well?
Meh...
Klinger, do the honors,will you?
[crowd clamoring]
Here you are, Margaret.
No point in both of uswaiting in that line.
-How considerate.
-De nada.
-Oh, thank you!
-Thank you.
[theme music playing]