M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 7 - They Call the Wind Korea - full transcript

[theme music playing]

♪ [whistling "Mona Lisa"]

Colonel, can I interruptyour creative painting?

Not when I'm workingwith the fine tip, Radar.

I think you're gonna wannahear this when I tell you why.

-Okeydokey.-Okay. I-Corps called and--

-What do you think?
-Hmm?

Oh, uh, that's you, sir.

The only thing in camp
I haven't painted yet.

I just wish I could find someonewith healthy cuticles.

-Okay. What's the poop?-Yeah.



I-Corps reportsthat there's a big storm

on the way down
from Manchuria,

and it should be here tonight.

We could expect heavy windsand temperatures closeto freezing.

All right. We've gottabatten everything down.

-Let's make out a checklist.-I made out a checklist.

-Good boy.What about the water tower?-There's the water tower.

Uh-huh. All right,
get a bunch of people
to reinforce it.

In a storm, that thing swaysout there like Little Egypt.

-Now, what about--
-The tent flaps need
to be secured.

-Aha!
-What?

I gotcha!

I was gonna say nail downthe windows in post-op.

-Rats.
-[chuckling]



Colonel, where--

Colonel, where is
my chopper to Seoul?

You got me.Did you look under your bunk?

-[chuckles] That's a good one.-[Charles clears throat]

Colonel, I have wasted
an entire hour

of my first vacation
from hell

waiting for my propellered
chariot to freedom.

Will you call--please--
call the dispatcher

and find out what's
holding up that goofball?

-Major, can I drop these?-Yes!

-[loud clatter]
-Gently! You idiot.

My guess is your chopperain't comin', Major.

There's a big windexpected from the north.

-Seoul probably groundedeverything in its path.
-No, no! No!

They can't do this to me.I have reservations in Tokyo.

I have a suite
with a king-size bed,
my own bathroom!

That's why you packed
all the magazines.

-Don't let it cometo tears, Major. Radar.-Yes, sir?

-Sign him out a jeep to Seoul.-Right away, sir.

If you can beat the storm,the Japan shuttle may stillbe flying.

Yes, of course!
Inspired, Colonel.

Klinger, get the bags.
You'll drive.

Hey, wait a minute.
I ain't crazy.

If like--You didn't hear that, sir.

If I drive you to Seoul,

that means I gotta comeback in the storm. Uh-uh.

Klinger, we are wasting time.

Twenty dollars.
It's my final offer.

-No.
-All right. 300.

Klinger, get him
out of my hair,

and you can stay in Seoulovernight.

Now you're talking.

I can finally pick upthose Junior Miss patterns.

-Whatever.
-I'll drive.

There is a God.

Come on, Klinger.
Get packing.

-Thanks, Colonel.
-Wait a minute.

Nah. Too hairy.

That takes care of the stakes.

HAWKEYE:Don't bring 'em in yet.

I haven't made the coleslaw.

Are you gonna come
out here and help?

I can't. I'm hiding undera giant paperweight.

You're gonna be sorry.

I only tied down my halfof the tent.

Don't knock yourself out.

Beej, relax, enjoy yourself.

This windstormis nature's cease-fire.

The war will be calledon account of bad weather.

-They still give rain checks.
-[knocking]

You can huff, you can puff,

-but you'll never--
-Come in.

-Hi there, guys.-Ah! Bigelow, step on in.

Beej, I'm ready to facethe storm. Secure me to her.

I've only got a second.Major Houlihan's got me
on a detail.

And she's a stickler
for details.

Hawkeye, I'm planninga little get-together later.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows.Would you like to come by?

-Oh, let me see.
Who else is invited?
-No one.

Your kind of crowd.

I'll be there with bells on.You'll love me in bells.

Shall we say about 8:00?

7:30. I like a half hourto warm up.

[chuckling]
Gotta run.

I envy her tonight.

Bigelow!

Major, I was just about--

About to go on report,
Lieutenant!

I put you on a detail
to help secure this camp.

Oh, Major.

We're preparing for
a crisis, Lieutenant!

That is the worst time
to "Oh, Major" me.

My nurses are gonna pull theirweight through this.

Is that understood?
Good! Then move!

Oh, Margaret, it's you.

I thought it was the storm.

[grunts]

CHARLES: Klinger,

we are not on our wayto Grandmother's house.

-Cook it!-Major, there's a reason

why you never see these thingsracing at Indianapolis.

Don't give me excuses.Give me speed.

-We gotta make time.
-What do you want?

I'm doing 25,
and my foot's bleeding.

Coward.

How could we possiblybe speeding?

You gentlemen
on your way to Seoul?

No. Chicago![forced laugh]

What seems to bethe problem?

If you stay on this road,

you're gonna have to
follow a large convoy

that just went through.

You better allow yourselfthree hours.

[shrieks]

Don't mind him. He just losthis reason for living.

I can give you
an alternate route.

We'll go by jungle vine.What is it?

-You wanna write this down?-No, no, no, no, no.

We gotta make time.Gotta make time.

Okay. Go back about a mile,make a right.

Continue on until you hita cluster of huts.

Make another right.Keep going until you cometo a fork.

Bear left around the mountain.

On the other side
of the mountain,you pick up a main road.

Take you right into Seoul.
Got it?

Right. Now, where
do we go from here?

Any truck stops
along the way

where we can grab
something to eat?

-Klinger!
-Gotta make time.
Gotta make time.

Don't let this
scare you, guys.

Just think of it
as getting dark early.

Come on, Babette.Will you give me a break once?

Bongo, can't you
quiet her down?

[sighs]
Okay.

Okay. I know, I know.
Come on.

♪ Rock-a-bye, Babsie

♪ On the treetop

♪ When the wind blows

♪ The cradle will rock

♪ When the bough breaks

-♪ The cra--
-Radar!

You know the rest.

Radar, can you help mestrike the bulletin boards?

I'd hate to see anyof my bingo announcements

-blow into the wrong hands.-Oh, sure, Father.

Father, uh, you think
they'll be okay?

Well, uh,let's make sure, huh?

[murmuring In Latin]

[chuckles]
That ought to do it.

See you Sunday.

Major, we're lost, as in

"Officer,
have you seen my mommy?"

Klinger, why didn't youlisten to the directions?

Me? You're the one who said
"I got it, I got it."

Come on now. We're gonna
get caught in the storm.

-Let's turn back.
-Turn back?

Klinger, if you utter tho--Keep your eyes on the road!

If you utter those wordsone more time,

I will place you under arrest.Drive on.

We should be rollingup to those huts anytime now.

Yeah, if we don't fall offthe edge of the Earth first.

[wind blowing]

Looks like we're infor a quiet evening, Sheriff.

Yep, a real "Doc Holiday."

Well, how's Private Yeagerin his semi-private room?

[loud crash]

-What's that?
-I don't know.

Our quiet night.

[chatter]

-Set him down over there, boys.-I think we got everybody.

POTTER: All right, Hernandez,we'll close that up

-with a couple of stitches.-Pretty shocky.

Whole blood
and get him into O.R.

He was on top of that thingwhen it gave.

-Hawk!-What do you have, Margaret?

-It's Bigelow.
Take a look, please!

-Oh, God.
-Hi, Hawkeye.

Hi, yourself. What were youdoing out there?

I detailed her
and some of the nurses
to help out on the tower.

They were handing up ropes--

All right, Margaret.She's gonna be all right.

-[groans]
-HAWKEYE: Where?

-My left side.
-Her left side.

-My left shoulder.
-Her left shoulder.

-Thank you.
-[groaning]

-All right. Take it easy.-[groans]

She's bleeding internally.We're gonna have to operate.

-I think it's a rupturedspleen. Let's prep her.-I'm assisting you.

Right. Play hard to get.

Major, this wind is blowingright up my skirt.

Keep moving!

I'd turn back if I knew
which way that was.

A hut! Is that a hut?

No, it can't be.What is that?

What on earth is that thing?

-That's a six-by.-Oh, that's what it is.Keep going.

-Wait a minute.-[man shouts, indistinct]

-I think I hear someone.
-[shouting continues]

[sighs]Go ahead.

Major! There's three guys backhere, and they're hurt!

Of course. What else?

-There's another one up here!-[groaning]

-[groaning]-They're not Americans.

-[speaking foreign language]-Sounds like Greek to me.

Don't they know how to drive?

I'm gonna help this guy
up front.

That's a swell idea.

Aw, this is great.
We're lost...

there's a freezing stormon its way...

and no one knows
we're missing.

We'll be lucky if we make itthrough the night.

How wonderful it isto travel with you.

[breathing heavily]

All right. This shouldmake you more comfortable,

if you overlook the fact

that none of us aregonna see our homes again.

[speaking Greek]

Do you by chance speak oneof the Romance languages?

[Greek]

All right, I'm coming.
Klinger?

That's the lastof your luggage, sir.

Will you be changingfor dinner?

Ah, wonderful.

All the years of travel,training, education.

Where do I spendmy final hours? In a truck.

Major, you can't just give up.

Sure, right now, things looka little bad, lousy maybe.

Okay, hopeless.
But you can't give up.

Klinger, come here.
Displaced shoulder.

-Hold him down.This is gonna be painful.-Oh, gotcha.

-Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.-Okay.

-[screams, gasping]
-Okay, pal. Okay.

There we go.Easy, easy. Easy, easy.

All right, Klinger, I willplay your little charade.

-[soldier groaning]
-Everything is going
to be just grand.

-[continues groaning]-Good Lord. What's this?

-What's wrong?
-[gasping]

Traumatic chest.
Possible pneumothorax.

-What?
-Chest wound.

We may need a chest tube.

-Help me raise him.
-I'm here, sir.

-Come on, son.
-[groaning]

That's it. Easy, easy.
Good Lord.

What I wouldn't giveto be back

in that little cheese boxof an operating room.

This guy's shoulder
is cut pretty bad.The bleeding isn't stopping.

All right. Give me
the second-largest
alligator valise.

-With "C.E.W."
embossed in gold?
-That's the one.

A far cry from my setof matched shopping bags.

-All right.
-[groaning]

We'll make bandages
out of my shirts.
Bind his shoulder.

That should hold himuntil we're found--Hah!And other dreams.

Oh, sir! 100% silk!
Could I keep a swatch?

All right, Klinger,I'm gonna close my eyes now.

I want you to rip those shirts
into bandage strips.

[yelps, groans]

-Sorry, sir.
-Go ahead.

-I'll be all right.
-Oh, boy.

-Major, you know, I'm thinking.-[shirt ripping]

-Maybe I should go out
and find some help.
-Bad idea.

No. Absolutely not.

You're much better staying here,helping me through this ordeal.

You see, I'm afraid, Klinger.

Okay, yes, there it is,out in the open for all to hear.

I'm afraid. Never had to dealwith anything like this before.

Here, another strip.
No, no. You stay here.

I was hoping
you'd say that, sir.

It's okay, everybody.It's just me.

Oh, yeah, I know. I know.

It'll be all rightin the morning.

I'm just doin'a bed check now.

Babette, where are you?

Oh, my gosh! Bongo,how did this cage get open?

Oh, gee! Okay, don't worryabout it. I'll get her.

Babette! Babette!

Here, Babsy!
[whistles]

Babsy? Babsy!

It's closing time.

That was a pretty-good-sizebleeder there, Bigelow,

but I think we got you
under control.

-You can relax now, Margaret.-Set up another pint of blood!

-Get some A.B.D.s for bandages.-You're reading my mind.

Margaret, your nurse
is gonna pull through,

but you have to let me
be the doctor.

You're right. I guessI'm just a little edgy.

-No problem. Scis--
-Scissors!

RADAR: Excuse me! Sirs?Have any of you seen
my guinea pig?

I went out to check her cage,

and he wasn't there.
And he's a she.

Whoa, Radar,
slow down, will you?

You're making less
sense than usual.

My guinea pig Babsyis missing.

-Babsy?-It's short for Babette.

That's different. Margaret,has anything crawled up your leg

in the last few minutes?

That animal better not
be in here!

It'll contaminate everything!

Contaminate?
I bathe her every day.

She's cleaner than me.

-What isn't?-Radar, relax, will ya?

She's probably hidingin some nice warm cornerdoing her nails.

Okay, but listen.If you see her,let me know, will ya?

Geez, you feed 'em,you raise 'em,

and then, one day,they're just gone.

My guess is Babette's
looking for a judge

to have her name changed.

There you are, pal.

You and your leg are all set.

If you'll stop by thegift shop on your way out,

you can pick up yourcomplimentary fountain pen.

Okay, time to bandage,
Margaret.

Excuse me, Doctor.

Finish up here,
will ya, Kell?

-Are you all right?
-I'm fine.

-Try again.
-[sighs]

-[vehicle arrives]
-I'm sorry.

It's just that I never hadone of my nurses hurt before.

-Margaret, she's gonna be okay.-[vehicle door slams]

-[sighs]
-P.S. Thanks to you.

Oh, no. Hey, come on.
You gotta be kidding.

Just came in. A chopper pilotand his spotter.

They went down in the wind.

The question is what werethey doing up in the wind?

Seems the Greeks
lost a troop truck.

They went out scanning.

-Let's scrub up again.
-Let's get to it.

Look, it could be worse.

We could be stuck in Tokyolike Charles.

Right now, that poor
guy's probably lying

in a steaming geisha bath.

[wind howling]

You know, Major, it's funny.

Here we are, two guys clingingtogether for dear life,

and we don't know a singlething about each other.

Except that we're both
about to die.

Glad I brought it up.

I was born in my grandmama'shouse on Beacon Hill.

Oh, yeah."The Battle of."

That was Bunker Hill,
quiz kid.

I was talking
about Beacon Hill,

where, at one time,

you would not have been
allowed to walk.

Natch.

My parents were wonderful.

Gave me everything
a child could need.

Nannies,
boarding schools...

stock portfolio.

I was always
an inquisitive child.

-You were, huh?
-Mm-hmm.

By the age of seven, I wasalready dissecting frogs.

-Well, every kid does that.-Ah.

I could
put them back together.

No wonder I graduated

first in my med-school
class from Harvard.

-Hmm. Some life.
-Mm-hmm.

Now would you liketo hear about mine?

Not particularly.

Oh.

I was always
a voracious reader.

[loud gasp]

-[gasping]-Oh, he sounds pretty bad.

Thank you, Klinger.
That's very perceptive.

[gasping, groaning]

Oh, damn!Tension pneumothorax.

-The whole lung has collapsed.-Can you do anything?

No. I would have to suckthe air out of the chest cavity.

give the lung a chanceto re-expand.

-So do it!-Out here in the middleof nowhere, with nothing?

-You got no choice.-Klinger, you don't understand.

-I don't have the proper
instruments.
-[speaking Greek]

-Very complicated
situation here.
-Let's do it, Major.

[gasping, groaning]

Give me the biggest needleand syringe you've got.

-Here you are, sir.-I feel like an auto mechanic.

You'll pull him through.You're gifted.
You can do anything.

Yes, I am cursed.Get in there! Get in there!

-Get in there!
-[gasping]

[speaking Greek]

This thing isn't big enough.Klinger, look back in that kit.

See if there isn't anythingresembling a tube.

I got a catheter and a--
and a clamp, sir.

-Good. Give me those.
-Here you are, sir.

-And the sharpest cuttingedge you can find.
-Yes, sir.

-Sharpest... [muttering]-Come on, Klinger!

-Ah! Pocketknife.
-Good.

There you are, sir.
What are you gonna do?

Well, we'll need an incisionin the chest cavity.

-[screams]
-We'll give him room
to breathe.

-[groaning]
-Hold him!

Got him, sir.
Made it across, Major!

-Take the knife.Take this clamp, please.-Yes, sir.

All right. Mmm!

All right,give me a syringe--anything to suck air.

All right, sir.
Uh, syringe, syringe.

-I've got one, sir.
-Good.

Pinch the skin around
the end of the tube.

I'm gonna need that clampback in a moment. Hold it.

This isn't gonna work.

This can't work.

How can anyone be
expected to operate

under conditions like this?

[gasping subsides]

-Good heavens!
-What's the matter?

I think it's working.

This thing is sucking air.

[breathing eases]

He's doing better.
He's breathing easier.

Indeed he is. Stay with me,old man. Steady on.

Steady, steady.

-Klinger, give me
some tape, please.
-Yes, sir.

[speaking Greek]

You did it, Major!
You did it!

More than that, Klinger.

I did it here.

HAWKEYE:Korea, land of surprises.

Snipers, shelling. Just whenyou think you've seen it all...

along comes a lovely,
destructive Manchurian
windstorm.

Trulyan enchanted land.

Yeah, maybe Mildred and Iwill retire here.

-Scalpel.
-Scalpel.

MULCAHY: Colonel?

We've got a villager whose hutcollapsed around him,

and-- [sighs]--

a young boy who chasedhis frightened livestock

into a minefield.

-Dear God.
-He's been alerted.

-I'll take the boy, Father.-Right away.

HAWKEYE: Margaret,
get out of my light.I can't see the patient.

POTTER: Father,get 'em to crank up thatemergency generator, pronto.

MULCAHY:Soon as I can find the door.

-[door clatters]
-Found it.

B.J.: Colonel,
I'd like to complainabout the working conditions.

-Quiet, Hunnicutt.
-It wasn't me.Somebody that looked like me.

MARGARET:
I don't believe this.

B.J.: Anyone for a quick
game of charades?

Come on already!

Boy, you're some commander.

Bad news, Major.
We're still here.

From the soundof that wind last night,

I was certainwe'd be in Oz by now.

[groans] Nothing likea good two-minute sleep

to prepare you foranother glorious day hereat Camp Who Knows Where.

I'd say... that direction.
Yeah.

So would I. Why?

Because you're going
for help, Klinger.

You might be able
to get your bearings

from the top of that
ridge over there.

Me? But last night,

you said you were afraidto be left alone.

Last night is over.We've lived through the storm.

Now it's time to get out ofhere, and we're gonna make it.

-I know we are.-Good. Then why don't you go?

Me? Someone has tolook after these Greeks,

and I think I proved last nightwho the qualified party is.

-All right, all right.
I'll go. I'll go.
-Marvelous idea.

But if I don't come back,you're gonna have to callmy parents.

And they're gonna hatehearing that I'm dead.

[muttering]

[imitating chittering]
Come on, honey.

Come on. It's Radar.

Why don't you help me outand get found?

-[smacking lips]
-No luck, huh, Radar?

It's been about eight hours,sir. I'm a wreck.

Why don't you crawl
into your hutch
and get some rest?

There's no time.I gotta find her.

Listen, I know how much
she meant to you, but--

you know, I mean,
means to you.

You just may have to facesome not-too-pleasant facts.

Sir, I've kept her alive
through a whole war.

I'm not gonna give up now.

Babette? Here, honey.[imitating chittering]

-Bigelow.
-Major.

I brought you a few things.

I--I thought you mightwant to repair your face.

Major.That's very sweet of you.

Just get better.
We need you.

Good morning, ladies and germs.

The ambulance stoppedwith a jerk, and I got off.

Will you serious up!

You're absolutely right.Let's be serious.

Pulse 96?

Nurse, pull
his corpuscles over

and give them a ticket
for speeding.

-[laughing]
-[giggling]

Now, you're gonna say
you're a kid who's had
all the bad breaks.

We'll, we cleaned and tightenedthose brakes,

but you're gonna have to stayin the garage until Tuesday.

-[laughing]
-[laughing]

Imagine the laughs I'd getif he could understand English.

Hello, young lady.

I just stopped by to tell youI stop at nothing.

[laughing]

I have a wonderful recovery
program planned for you.

Plenty of rest, exercise,
fresh air...

and a visit from me
after every meal...

and one before bedtime.

-[excited squealing]-What--What--What is this?

-[Bigelow laughing]-Well, hello there, miss.

Your name wouldn't happento be Babette, would it?

-[chittering]
-I thought so.

-[laughing]
-He loves a class act.

[muttering]

He's gonna be sorry
when I'm lost forever.

No, he won't.

Oh, no! No!

It can't be!

KLINGER:We've been riding in circles.

We almost froze to death
in our own backyard.

Oh, Major!

Major...

I got a little surprisefor you.

Looks like we had a wild partyhere last night.

-All the damagewithout any of the fun.-[horn honking]

-Look at this.
-[honking]

-B.J.: Charles is back.-HAWKEYE: And he broughtsouvenirs.

B.J.:What you got here, Charles?

Don't stand there.Get these men into pre-op.

What happened to you,Winchester?

Klinger took a wrong turn.He got us hopelessly lost.

I was obliged to savethese wounded sons of Greece

during one of the most brutal
nights imaginable.

-End of report.
-Uh, Major,
you forgot to mention

we were only 200 yards
from the camp.

-200 yards?-I hit the high points,Klinger.

Charles, you were
in the neighborhood,

you didn't drop by?
Shame on you.

Klinger, you look like you wentthrough a mop squeezer.

-Why don't you get some rest?-Thank you, O CompassionateKingpin.

Winchester, I guessyou'll be on your way

while you've stillgot some R & R left.

Precisely.

Where are you goin'?

Be it ever so crumbled,there is no place like home.

[theme music playing]