M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 21 - Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys - full transcript

[theme music playing]

I bid one club.Did you hear that, Pierce?

One club, I know whatthat means. You wannaknow what I got.

-Pierce.-All right, reading fromleft to right, I have--

Winchester, get a deck
and start warming up.

I can play from here.

Your bid, Mr. Pak.

One club to me.

I bid one no-trump.

[speaking Korean, chuckles]

Well, you got 'emon the run now, Pierce.



Your bid, swifty.

I'm reminded of a story.

You've probably heard it.

The king and queen
of this country

were playing golf
with five clubs.

Their son Jackremarked how strange it was

that they only hadtwo hearts between them.

And just then,his sister Little Deucey

and her dog Trey
started singing

♪ Four diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪

Whereupon the whole family
beat her to death

and buried her
with two spades.

-Did you get it?
-Everybody did.

Well, I didn't. What do I bid?



ALL: Two clubs.

No prompting, please.
I bid two clubs.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention all personnel. Ambulances on their way.

Maintenance crews remove all drunks from the middle of the road.

You guys are lucky.We had a grand slam going.

-We got one coming.-Bridge night. It never fails.

Until next week, gentlemen.

Same time, different partners.

[chattering]

Shrapnel in his thigh.Superficial.

Doc, could you check on myfriend Elverson over there?

He's hit bad.

Sure. We alwaystake requests.

Look at this. He could
start his own scrapyard.

I'll take him first.

Unconscious. Pupils fixedand fairly dilated.

-No sense wasting time on him.-Wait. What?

Wait a second. Wait a minute.Let me see that.

Charles, he shows
some pupil reaction.

Could be a subdural
hematoma.

It's worth putting in
a bur hole.

I'll take him first.
Put him ahead of him.

Pierce, you can drilluntil you hit oil.

-It will do no good.-Thanks for the encouragement.

-O.R., and step on it.-How dare you contradict me!

Hey, hold it. He's a Commie.
That's North Korean.

-What's he doing
ahead of my buddy?
-Dying.

That person has no rightto go into O.R. first,

particularlyahead of one of ours.

Charles, when they
come in here,

the uniforms come off.

We can save him if we gethim in there right now.

What's going on here?That gook tried to kill us,

and now you're gonna
save him?

Yeah, the whole thing'sridiculous, isn't it?

[chatter]

Wipe.

Keep that suction up.

Somebody fix this damnlight so I can see.

Is it possible, Pierce,

that your two-hour
detour into North Korea

has vitiated your efficiencywith other patients?

Quiet, Winchester.

Shoehorn a little tight,
Achilles?

I don't usually take sides,but quiet, Winchester.

Lucky you. You'll be atCaptain Hunnicutt's table.

Steady nerves. Great hands.

And best of all,he's a surgeon.

Anybody but that Commie lover.

Paging Dr. Pierce.

Good to see you
again, comrade.

-Not letting him work
on our boys, are you?-Put him under, Margaret.

Okay. Just close your eyes
and breathe deep.

Hey. My buddy better notdie on account of you.

Margaret, will you keep
that thing over him?

I'm trying to, doctor,

but he's got an awfullybig mouth.

You guys are so
high and mighty.

You sit back here.
You're playing God.

-You don't care.
-Somebody shut him up.

Yeah, shut me up!
Go ahead, shut me up!

So I won't tell anybody howyou save your gook friends!

-Hold that. Hey!
-Pierce!

I don't have to takethat kind of garbage.

Now shut your mouth before Icome over and clamp it shut!

Pierce, get back there.

Will you put him
under already?

Hawk, what's
the matter with you?

-Get back in your corner.-Pierce,

there goes your
Good Conduct Medal.

Aw, pony pucks.

Don't you knockwhen you enter a room?

Flagg, how did you
get in here?

That's classified.

-Radar!
-Yes, sir?

Hey! I was just sitting--

-How did you get in here?-Not from above.

Let's talk about
your camp, Potter.

And don't play dumb.You're not as goodat it as I am.

What is it this time, Flagg?Fluoride in the soup?

-I think I'd better leave.-Freeze, Mr. Vatican.

Nobody goes till I do,and I never do.

Potter, you've got a woundedNorth Korean officer here,

and, as usual,you failed to report it.

Oh, no, no.
We did report it.

You mean I workedover my informant

just for the fun of it?

Oh, my Lord!

Good cover, but who are you?

Never mind. I'll getto you in a minute.

You... get out.

Thank you, sir.

I understandyour Captain Pierce

saved that pinko'smiserable skin.

Not to mention his life.

And that was his big mistake.

Now, I want to questionboth of them.

Flagg, you don't go
near anyone

without my permission.

What's this?

Your permission.

Right.

I'll be around.

So will you.

Quick, who sang
"Toora, Loora, Loora"

in Going My Way?

-Uh, Bing and Barry.
-Okay.

You're clear... for now.

Well, that'scounterintelligence

if I ever saw it.

How's that patientI almost put in the hospital?

Fine.
You can't talk to him.

Look, I won't evenraise my voice.

I know. You want to apologizefor yelling at him,

for being unprofessional.

Believe me,
it'll just cause trouble.

You have a lot of faithin me, don't you?

Better let me
tell him for you.

My thermostat's set
lower than yours.

In other words,I can't handle myself?

I thought I just said that.

Must be wonderfulbeing as perfect as you.

I didn't say that.

I just mean
it wasn't necessary

for you to have blown upat him the way you did.

Oh, sure. You would'vejust gone over to him

and thanked himfor the kind words.

You want me to apologize

for being more rational
than you are?

[long exhale]

Excuse me.I feel a tantrum coming on.

-Pierce.
-[gasps]

I'm gonna give you a chance.Why did you do it?

-Oh, I don't know.Why does anybody do it?-Now you've done it.

Well, you'll have
to clean it up.
I'm in a hurry.

I've got youdead to rights, Ivan.

You saved thatCommie crumb-bum. Why?

Well, it was something to do.Besides, he was dying.

I'm on to you, Pierce.

Now you took a yellow Redbefore a white American,

which is pretty pinko.

You're even boring
in Technicolor.

You're a Communist dupe.

I've waited a long timefor this. You're mine.

Your butt is in my sling.

All right.
Take me, I'm yours.

I knew it.You're one of those, too.

When I dig up the proof,real or otherwise,

that you're the traitorthat I know you are,

then I'll know itand you'll know it too.

It was nice talking
to you again.

What is this? It lookslike quicksand.

It is. A fly just
walked on it and sank.

I threw it a noodle,
but it was too late.

Gentlemen.
May I join you?

You can't charm your wayback into my heart, Charles.

-Have a seat.-Always the peacemaker.

Pierce, I see no point
in holding a grudge.

As chief surgeon you didwhat you felt was best.

I can appreciate
your motives.

Well, thank you, Charles.

For that,
I'll give you my food.

If he'll swallow his pride,

he'll swallow anything.

You know,
you probably were right

to take the North Korean
over the American.

If the North Korean
had died,

you would merely
have been a fool.

If the American had died,

you would have been
a scoundrel.

Since they both lived,
you are the lucky stiff.

-Up, Charles.
-Mm?

Get up. Up, over and out.

I have had a long,
miserable day,

and the last thing I needis your Boston bull.

So beat it!

And this is how you
accept an apology?

Out! Out!

Wanna go over and make upwith that guy in post-op now?

FLAGG:
Major?

Major.

Not funny,
whoever you are.

Whoever I am is me,Colonel Flagg.

Hello. Good-bye.

Hold it, Major. Don't make memake you listen to this.

Aren't you the tyrant?

I've got a proposition.

Pierceis hiding something.

Find out what it is,and name your price.

One, you cannot
afford my price,

and two, what are you
talking about?

Don't kid with me.I have no sense of humor.

You could've fooled me.

Pierce is the rottenest applein this sleazy barrel.

I've always thought he wasa Communist sympathizer

and this businesswith the North Korean

proves that he'sa Comm-symp or worse.

Problem isI don't have the proof.

You're his bunky. Get it.

For a man with no
sense of humor,

you are awfully funny.

Do you believe thatI can break your leg

with this finger?

Strangely enough,
I--I do.

Bright boy.

Colonel, the very notion
of Pierce being a spy

let alone a sympathizer,
is absurd.

Pierce has a big mouth.

He's always butting intoother people's business

but that makes
him obnoxious, not a spy.

Doesn't wash.I'm obnoxious and I'm a spy.

Touché.

Just a couple of nurses.

They appear to be American.
Shall we tail them?

Colonel?

Col--Colonel?

Shh.

Of course.

You are undercover.

I've checked up on you.

Fact: you want out of Korea.

Fact: everybody does.

Cooperate with me,and I'll get you out.

Thank you, Tin Man.I'll get to Tokyo on my own.

-I meant to Boston.
-Massachusetts?

Ft. Devens, 9 to 5.Make that 4:30.

And then it's homeevery evening to Wellesley,

where you still livewith your mom and dad

and your sister Honorrhea.

That's Honoria.

-And how did you know---It's my business.

-In or out?
-Boston.

Well, I guarantee you
that Pierce is no spy,

but if all you want
are a couple of
his innocent letters,

why not?

Winchester,you're a real American so far.

It's a pleasure
doing business with you.

I'm going to talk
to Colonel Potter now

about getting you
better quarters.

MAN: See you later.

What is that?

Pierce.

How do people...

Eureka!

"Dearest Hawkeye, Thatidyllic weekend in Bangor"--

[chuckles]"Cozy fireplace, fur rug...

warm hands, warm bodiesdrawing ever closer..."

-Charles.
-Pierce.

Pierce! [nervous chuckle]

A love letter?

This? No, it's just
financial stuff.

Right. A love letter.

Testing, one, two, three.Testing.

Don't do thatfor my benefit, Pierce.

I'm already convinced
that you are mad.

Not mad,justifiably paranoid.

It's calledthe "Flagg Syndrome."

Whenever that guyshows up around here,

I start lookingfor hidden microphones.

Aren't you exaggeratingjust a wee bit?

He may be a mite overzealous,but he's no Mata Hari.

That guy would turn inhis own mother forpassing along a recipe.

You don't like
the fella, do you?

No, I've never beentoo fond of a guy

who would bring youa wounded prisoner

and beg you to fix him up

just so he could take him outand shoot him.

That bad, hmm?

I don't see anything here.

I think I'll go sing "Carmen"in the latrine.

The echo will kill him.

[laughs]

Hey, doc, can I talk to you?

I wouldn't be surprised.

From what I hear,
I'm really a terrific guy.

Hey, listen,when I'm evac-ed tomorrow,

I want you to fix itso my buddy goes with me.

Basgall, I can fix anythingfrom flat tires to poodles,

but that's out of my hands.He's Hawkeye Pierce's patient.

but that's whatI'm worried about.

I want him taken care ofby someone who's gonnatake care of him.

Look, whether you like it
or not, Pierce saved your
friend's life.

Oh, sure whenhe got around to it,

thanks to my pushing him.

[exhales]
Basgall, listen to me.

Captain Pierce is just
about the best surgeon

we've got in this place.

What he says is right forElverson is right for him.

You're going to have
to believe that.

You guys allstick together, don't ya?

Lights out, soldier.

Hey, wait a minute.That's my line.

Don't you know these
things are bad for you?

Oh, that poor cigar.

Winchester,
you're 12 seconds late.

Oh, Colonel Flagg. Sorry.

I didn't recognize you
without your garbage can.

Don't you have a dark one
for evening?

Did you bring me something?

Yes, I did.
My resignation.

I will criticize Pierce,
I will ridicule him,

I will even humiliate him,

-but I will not spy on him.-You won't do it?

-Gad, what intuition.-Then he's your friend?

Friend? I have no friends
in Asia. Only in Newport.

A few in Martha's Vineyard.

Winchester, you don't
seem to recognize

the gravity
of this situation.

At this point,
if Pierce is tried

and you haven't proven
noncomplicity with him

by complying with me,

you'll be tried
for complicity with him.

You wouldn't dare.

You'll just disappear.

Ten years from now, Mummywill be sitting in Newport

trying to rememberwho you were.

Who cares about the Red Sox?

No more money.

I believe you'd do it.

For laughs.

All right.

I'll try and find yousomething,

and I hope you choke on it.

You're a real weasel.

I knew
I could count on you.

Come in.

No, you don't understand,Basgall.

We're supposed to makethe rounds.

I won't beat
around the bush, Doc.

Either Elverson is evac-ed
with me tomorrow,

or I put you away now.

You make your choice.

Um, I gotta warn you.

I'm very bad at snap decisions.

How about a third alternative?

Your going back to bedleaps to mind.

I'm not kidding!

I don't want you around him.

Look, I've talked to you
doctor-to-patient.

Now I'm going
to ask you nicely
captain-to-corporal.

Get back to post-op
before we're both sorry.

What do I have to doto convince you?

You don't care about us.If you did,

you would've taken himahead of that North Korean.

Now, this time, we're gonnado it my way and quick!

Basgall! What the helldo you think you're doing?

I oughta break your neck!

Beej, hold it! Hold it!

Basgall, I'm sorry.

I want out of here.

Here. Here,
let me help you.

No! I'll make it by myself.

Hey, Goldman.

-Get him to post-op.
-Yes, sir.

[exhales forcefully]

Well.
[exhales loudly]

I notice I don't
practice what I preach.

Yeah, and thank you.

Major, how'sthe North Korean doing?

Well,his condition is stable,

but I'm afraid he'sstill not out of danger.

In other words, he could
answer some questions?

Colonel,much as I admire your work,

I'm afraid I cannotlet you bother him.

Doctor, I don't need
your permission.

Some time we must talkabout your toilet training.

Look at him.

Resting comfortably
in an American cot.

By all rights,
he should be dead.

Well, we can't lose them all.

All right, Red Rover.
Lie at attention.

Start taking notes,
four-eyes.

We'll start
with something simple.

Name, troop number,

infantry division,
and where they're located.

I don't thinkhe understands you, sir.

He understands.
They all do.

All right, comrade.

Here's the story.

You give me what I need,I'll give you what you need.

Hey! Now, wait just a minute!

Hey, listen,I don't care who you are.

You can't come in herethreatening someone's blood.

Who's gonna stop me?

Well, uh, somebody.

Why don't you just shoo,Corporal? I'll handle this.

Yes, sir. Boy!

We would allappreciate it, Colonel,

if you just stuckto thumbscrews.

Hello. What have we here?

That's for me,
whatever it is.

Perhaps it's a notefrom his superiors

excusing him fromfurther questioning.

It's a diagram of a camp.

Looks like this camp.

Looks like this camp.

There's a circle aroundmy quarters.

Pierce's quarters.

Ah-so. A little rendezvous.

What's this at the bottom?

A circle with
two arrows in it.

A clock.

A clock.

10:00.

10:00.

Yes, I think I can fit that
into my schedule.

Not a word about this,
you understand?

Who, me?I work for you, remember?

Talk about your nerve.

He's even setting outrefreshments.

Probably every stinking spyin the area will be here.

Is that the guy we nab?

You just arrest everybodywho goes in that tent...

except us.

[whistling]
Hello there.

Get down.

Hmm?

Oh, I see.
You're staking out.

What fun!
[laughs]

-Winchester, there's no room.-Yes, there is.

-Let me tuck around here.-Be careful.

FLAGG: The guests of dishonor.Ever seen them before?

Yes, come to think of it,I have. A number of times.

-You know their names?
-[Jeep drives away]

No, we've never beenformally introduced.

Why don't we call themMr. X and Mr. Y?

FLAGG: It doesn't matter.They won't need names for long.

They're sitting down.

All right. I'm convinced.

[cocks gun]

Let's move in. Hold it.

Why, it's
Colonel Potter.

Caramba.Mr. Big himself.

The fish stinks
from the head down.

I don't believe it.

We better wait and seeif MacArthur shows up.

After tonight,

every kid in America
will wish he were me.

Move out.

Watch it you two. You're askingfor big trouble tonight.

-[chuckling]
-All right. Cards up,
and drop those hands.

What the Sam Hill?

I was going to askwho was dummy.

-Grab those cards.
It's evidence.
-[speaking Korean]

-Speak English.
-I'll speak English.

-What is this idiocy about?-Your spy ring.

-Spy ring?
-Very clever.

Hiding under
a house of cards

while you plot the overthrowof the free world.

He's got us, guys.We might as well confess.I'm Joe Stalin.

Mao Tse-tung, Marshall Tito,and you already know Lenin.

What can I say? We couldn'tget a room in the Kremlin.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pierce.Didn't know you had company.

Colonel Potter, we go now.

Freeze, friend. This piece
has a hair trigger,

and I've got
an itchy finger.

Flagg, put that thing down.

I don't know howyour nimble brain

cooked up this goofy plot,

but you just bought yourselfa peck of trouble.

Says the ringleader.

Do you have any ideawho these two gentlemen are?

I'll get to that
when I'm ready.

All right. Who are you?

-I am Doo Pak.-The Mayor of Ouijongbu.

And this is his baby brotherHung Pak, Chief of Police.

Oh, that's right.

I remember now.
That's who they are.

Colonel, I think you've madea little mistake.

I never make
little mistakes.

You're gonna loseyour magic decoder ring

for this one, Flagg.

Sorry, folks. Let's go.

We should've known.

Another one ofColonel Flagg's red herrings.

It doesn't add up. I mean,
that map, the evidence.

You of all people should knownever to trust a North Korean.

Flagg, you'll pay for this

right throughyour twitchy nose.

I got a lot of big
contacts at I-Corps.

They'll fix your wagon.

I see it now.

This is bigger
than all of you.

This is a major conspiracy,

and I'll getto the bottom of this

even if I have to goright to the top.

POTTER: Flagg, you nut!

HAWKEYE: Colonel, now'sour chance. Switch decks.

Get a light on!

-He's gone.
-I don't think
he was ever here.

Just a bad dream we all had.

My apologies to both of you.

Can you imagine that rubethinking we were a spy ring?

[chuckles]

Charles, you didn'thave anything to dowith this, did you

Me? Not a chance.
Wouldn't waste my time.

Unless, of course, I couldget a good laugh out of it.

[snickering]

You did! You set him up![laughing]

I don't get it.

The major will explain
while he plays.

-While he plays?
-That's right, Pierce.

I want a partner with
something up his sleeve.

Thank you, Colonel.

[clears throat]

Gentlemen,it was an amazing story.

The moment I set eyeson Colonel Flagg,

I knew what had to be done.

I had to find his weak spot.

I did-- right above his neck.

I'm telling you, B.J.Works for me every time.

I guess it's worth a try.

There's nothing so relaxing

as whomping the daylightsout of something.

Better something
than someone.

It's easy once you getthe rhythm.

There, go ahead.Try it.

-Okay.
-[air hissing]

Oh, gee,
I'm sorry, Father.

That's all right.

Maybe you shouldtry needlepoint.

[theme music playing]