M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 20 - C*A*V*E - full transcript
A hurried relocation to a cave is complicated by Hawkeye revealing he has claustrophobia.
[theme music playing]
Here you go.
Bigelow? Give Lovettanother unit of whole blood.
And keep your eye
on that drainage, okay?
Yes, Doctor.
-Do you get off at dawn?-Yes, Doctor.
Same here. You wanna
meet in the supply tent
and take stock
of each other?
Absolutely not, Doctor.
A simple yes
would've sufficed.
-Hey, Hawk?
-Yes.
Give me a hand here,
will ya?
Hold this tension.
When are you gonna learn
to pull your ownweight around here?
Just be a second. He usedto work on a chain gang.
[explosion]
Shelling?
Couldn't be.The angels are bowling.
Sounded like one
of our 105s.
-[explosion]
-How do you know?
-I'm in the army.
-[explosions continue]
That one's comingfrom the other direction.
Great. We're ina cross fire. Hurry up.
[All Chattering]
All right. Take it easy.I'm sure they don't mean it.
We're safe as long as theykeep aiming at us.
How about
if we get some coffee?
Good idea.I'm getting sleepy.
[explosion]
Nothing to worry about.
Happens all the time.
Yeah, this'll all blow over.
Reassuring.
Very reassuring.
-What the hell's going on?-And from every direction.
Shut up, both of you.I'm trying to raise I-Corps.
Should we tell him he doesn'thave a phone in his hand?
Colonel, you don't havea phone in your hand.
KLINGER:
Hello? I-Corps?
Just a second!
Here, sir.
Klinger, you got room
for two more?
No. I'm wearing a full skirt.
Hello. Colonel Sherman Potter.
Get me the Artillery FireDirection Center.
[explosions continuing]
Yeah, I guess you couldcall this an emergency!
-We surrender already!
-Boy, if I had a stick
with a white handkerchief
on it, I'd show them.
Maybe if we stoodon the roof
-and put up our hands.-Hello, Major?
Colonel Sherman Potter,MASH 4077.
Stop the shelling!
Stop it! Stop it!
You gotta reason with them.
Colonel, we're runningthree different battles here.
I don't have time to chat.
You're where? Ouijongbu?
Yes! We're engaging a Chinesebattery two miles south.
You're what? You can't be.
4077th MASHis 12 miles to the east.
In your hat. We were therefor two days three weeks ago.
'Cause we're mobile,
that's why.
What do you think
the big M stands for?
Did you forget
to file your DOA-63/A,
notifying H.Q. about that?
Major, and I'm usingthat title for the moment,
we are in your line of fire!
Tell him
money is no object.
All right, let's assumeyou made a mistake
and you are out there.
According to procedure,I need to know you're you.
Authenticate a Victor Zuluaccording to the S.O.I.
Klinger, where's
the code book?
It's not under here.
Find it. Find it.
[explosions continue]
Radar's got nothing in here
but National Geographicsabout Tahiti and New Guinea.
Yeah? Take 'em back
to the Swamp.
What about "Signal
Operating Instructions"?
S.O.I.! That's it!
[loud explosion]
Victor..."Victor Mature.
Victor Zulu."
Victor Zulu.
And I respond,
uh, "Eskimo Pie."
Sorry. That is incorrect.
Obviously, you havea superseded code book,
Colonel Potter,
if that's who you are.
What do you mean,"if that's who you are"?
Look, you dunderhead,
I'm me! But I'm notgonna be me much longer
if you don't squirt the battle
in another direction!
I'm sorry, Colonel.
Without the properauthorization response,
we have no wayof knowing who you are.
Look, if you are one of us,
get out of there.
You're in danger.
And if you're one of them,
stay right where you are,and we'll get to you, comrade.
[explosions continue]
He thinks I'm Chinese.
I don't see it myself.
Why don't we justcall the people
that are doingthe actual shooting?
That could be anybody.
This whole thing
is probablyover somebody's wife.
I'll call General Imbrie.
He knows my voice.
He'll identify me.
KLINGER: I'm way ahead
of you, Colonel.
There's only one thing wrong.
The phone's kaput.
[all shouting]
We gotta do something.
We're sitting
in a future crater.
All right,
a senior staff meeting
in the mess tent
in five minutes.
Last one thereis a dead duck.
I'm coming with you!
[loud explosion]
Then again,
why do you need me?
Well, folks, the way I see it,
we're in the middle
of a boxing ring
between two
blindfolded fighters.
What you aresaying, Colonel,
in your inimitablyfolksy style,
is thatwe are doomed.
It soundedso much betterwhen he said it.
[loud explosion]
Now there's
a wicked left hook.
Sorry I'm late.
I forgot where I'd
put my steel pot.
Then I remembered I used itto plant azaleas.
It still smells of mulch.
But, as they say,
any pot in a storm.
What a wonderful pun,Father.
You can replant thoseazaleas on my grave.
Oh, I'm sure He'll protect us.
-Here, Father. Sit by me.-Thank you.
Padre, I was just saying
-our situation
looks desperate.
-Right.
-But not hopeless.
-Wrong.
Apparently, neither sideknows we're here.
A major move under
these conditions
would be more dangerousthan staying,
but there's no time
to dig bunkers.
Now tell us the bad news.
Well, I've done some checking,
and we do have
an alternative.
Dig a holeand come up in Kansas.
-Actually, you're not far off.-California?
About a half mile
west of here,
there's an abandoned cave
that the North Koreansused as an aid station.
A cave? There must bea better place than a cave.
I think it's a brilliant
idea. Let's go.
At least we'll beunder some cover.
-Exactly. Let's go!-Wait a minute, wait a minute.
We can't geteverybody in there.
I believe we can.
It'll be a tight fit,
but if we just take
the bare necessities,
we should make it.
We'll enter according
to rank, sir.
-Let's go.
-Just a second.
You want to move patientsto a damp cave with no heat?
We'll take a few
space heaters.
Just moving them is risky.
I got a chest case in therejust came out of O.R.
Fine. You stay here
with your patient.
I'm sure
he'll be very grateful
when the shells start
falling around you.
-Hold it. Listen.
-[silence]
-[loud explosion]
-That's it. We move.
-ALL: [chattering]-HAWKEYE: Wait a second.
MMARGARET: Take out the I.V.Before you load him up.
It's gonna be awfully
crowded in there.
Kellye? Come on.
If we miss this ride,we'll have to thumb.
-Doctor?
-Yeah.
There's still a fair
amount of bloody drainage.
Could be a small bleeder.I'll check him on the bus.
Enjoy the ride, kid. It'sthe only way to see Korea.
Help you acrossthe street, ma'am?
I'm used to it. I got my familythrough nine evictions.
This neighborhood'scertainly falling apart.
Wait a minute. Put him down.I'm losing tension.
Easy, O'Malley.We'll get you out of here.
We're gonna have
to rig up something
so he can travel.
-Doc--
-Uh, just take it
easy, O'Malley.
We're working on it.
How about a couple
of crutches?
-Not for a couple of months.-No, no.
You could set 'em on eitherside and use it as a splint.
Then tie the ends together,use it as a fulcrum,
and then adjust the tension.
Yeah. Yeah,
that should work.
Sort of like a Thomas splint.
You're really
something, O'Malley.
Is there anything
you don't know?
Yeah, how to duck.
[explosions continue]
Is that it?
Yeah, unless we left
the bathtub running.
Colonel, I've been thinking.It might be worth it
to leave somebody hereto keep an eye on the place.
Pierce, these caves havebeen around for centuries.
They're perfectly safe.
It wouldn't be
any trouble.
I'll just surround
myself with sandbags
and say "Who goes
there?" a lot.
We're going to the cave.Get on.
-[explosions continue]
-Transfer, please.
All right, Klinger.Turn it over.
You mind if I
put the top up, sir?
It might deflect the shells.
Nah, it's too nice
an evening.
Wagons ho!
[engine starts]
Wait! Stop! Klinger,
stop that jeep!
Where do you thinkyou're going?
He was about to leave
without you, sad sack.
Drop that junk and get in.
Junk? These are mybarest necessities.
I'm not leavingwithout them.
Drive on, Klinger.
Klinger! Wait!
Aah!
[distant explosions]
MARGARET:
Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Hurry!
-Let's go! Let's go!
Step it up, huh?
-Be careful.
Okay. Go.
Extra blankets
for every patient.
It's all rock here,
and everything's wet.
-There you go. Got it?
-Got it.
Oh, yeah, there's home.
Just how I pictured it:a vine-covered hole.
-How's it doing, O'Malley?-Feels fine. Not much pain.
Lucky for him he wasaround to help himself.
It looks awfully low in there.
Come on. I need helpsetting up a pulley inside.
-I'll stay out here
and direct traffic.
-You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.Why do you ask?
Nothing. I've just never
seen you this brave before.
No, I'm fine, really.Save me a stalagmite.
-Anything left out here?-Just me.
Before I go in, sir,I demand
you send out a patrolto rescue my wardrobe.
Into the cavewith the rest of the bats.
All right, Pierce.
Everyone's in. Let's go.
Uh-huh.
[explosions continue]
Here I am, going in.
And here I am, coming out.
Pierce,
what are you doin'?
Do you have anythingin a larger size?
Look, son, I don't know
what's gotten into you,
but as your commander,
I can't go in until
you go in, so in you go.
I don't think so, Colonel.
I don't breathetoo well in there.
You know what I mean?
Claustrophobia?
[exhales]Ever since I was a kid.
People used to thinkI kept my clothes in a pilebecause I was a slob.
It's just that I couldn'tstep into a walk-in closet.
Look, I know there's
plenty of air in there
and the walls aren't
gonna cave in,
but that's what's gonna happen,so let's just forget it.
I wish I'd known before, son,
but I don't know what elsewe could've done.
What else was there to do?I couldn't jeopardizethe whole unit
on account of my stupid,irrational fears
which happen to be real.
Easy now. Nobody's
gonna force you
to do what you can't do.
If you have to stay
outside,
then keep close
to the entrance,
where it's a little safer.
-All right?
-All right.
-All right.
-All right.
[explosions continue]
[incoming shells]
Hi, honey! I'm home!
[explosions continue]
Hello. Just stay calm.
Everybody make room
for each other.
Breathe slowly. Save someair for the next person.
I'm sure there's
plenty for everybody.
Don't panic just 'causethe walls are closing in.
Make a hole.
Comin' through.
Hello, Hawkeye.
Kind of cozy,
isn't it? Excuse me.
Father, whatever you'regoing out for, I'll get it.
I wasn't going out.
I'll get it anyway.
POTTER: Make room.Make room.
How're you holding up?
Fine. Great. Fantastic.
-Get me outta here.
-What's the matter?
He's got a littleclaustrophobia.
Oh, dear. Well,
you shouldn't be here.
Father, you have a realgrasp of the obvious.
-May I be excused?-Right. Comin' through!
Right. Let him through!
Let him through!
I'm gettin' out
and goin' for coffee!
[explosions continue]
Easy, son. Easy.
We need a sentry
here anyway.
It'll be all right,Hawkeye.
If you'd liketo talk about it,
I'm working downat the other end.
Uh... Oh, well.
Right now I just need
a little room, okay?
Ah-ha.
Nice of the North Koreansto leave us this hook.
They probably used it
for the same thing.
Don't be silly.
They used itto hang themselves
after spending an hourin here.
This caveis a terrible idea.
One direct hiton the entrance,
we'll be sealedin here for eternity.
A little louder,you could start a stampede.
-I haven't evenmentioned the dampness.-Don't.
Oh, sure. You don't havesinus trouble.
I hope you're notsubject to pneumonia,because that's next.
When they finallyfind our skeletons,
they won't be ableto tell who's who
because the dog tagswill all be rusted over.
Listen, Gloom Hilda,
will you keep it down.
There are a lot of
frightened people here.
And I'm one of them,so I will say what I please.
I don't think you need
the other sandbag.
-What?
-The second sandbag...
it's too much weight.
Charles, I checked the X-ray.
I want more tension on the leg.The weight is perfect.
Fine. Fine. Brilliant.
Too bad it's all academic.
We're gonna be buriedin here anyway.
Winchester, I know we'rein kind of a tough spot here.
Nerves are a little raw.People are kind of anxious.
Make one more doomsday remark,
you're gonna need splints
for all your teeth.
To answer you in your owndead-end parlance,
"Youse and whom else?"
-Just "mese."
-You know, boys,
these modern caveshave terrific acoustics.
You can hear everything10 times. So shut up.
I still say this caveis a terrible idea.
I heard that.
[explosions continue]
Hi, Lovett.
Where did they get you?
Don't talk like that
to your blood bank.
How do my corpuscles feel,
by the way? Warm, I bet.
I'm a warm-blooded guy.
My desert heritage.
How much do I need?
Don't worry. Whatever
it is, I can spare it.
Besides, there's more
where I came from.
Father Mulcahy
and Major Winchester
have the same type
blood as me,
except one's a little purer
and one's a little bluer.
How's it going,
Klinger?
Major, I was justtelling Lovett here
that you and me have
the same blood type.
That is not funny,
Klinger.
It's in the records.
Ironic, huh? Us two,
brothers under the skin?
That's as demoralizinga thought
as I have ever encountered.
Klinger, stop talkingto the patient, please.
It's bad enough he hasto have you in his veins,
let alone his ears.
Some brother.
CHARLES:
I heard that.
[explosions continue]
Where are you going?
Down to the corner to buya paper and a larger room.
No, no, no.
Stay here. Come on.
I'll sit with you.
Do you believein reincarnation?
What?
Looking in theremakes me think
of all the things I wouldn'twant to come back as:
a snail, an oyster,a turtle.
[chuckles] Can youimagine me as a turtle?
Afraid to getinto my own shell.
I'd die of embarrassment,
all the other turtles laughingat me in my underwear.
[sighs] I wish I was strongand brave like you.
Ha! That's a laugh.
As much as you want
to get out of this cave,
that's how much
I want to stay in.
Oh? You like suffocation?
With you,
it's closed-in places.
With me, it's loud noises.
I've always been
oversensitive to them.
-Trains, a car backfiring---[loud explosion]
Shellfire.
I hate shellfire.
So naturally,you joined the army.
To be a nurse.
Every time a shell goes off,
I have to practically
nail my feet to the floor
to keep myself
from running away.
[explosion]
Don't worry about that.That wasn't close.
-[loud explosion]
-Aah!
Now that's close.
Boy, I can't leave you twoin the backseat of anything.
We're just sitting underthe rockets' red glare,
sharing our favoriteunreasonable fears.
I see it hasn't helped.
This probably won't,
either,
but at least it's warm.
-Here.
-Thanks.
This is every nightmareI've ever had coming true.
Hang on. The shelling
can't last much longer.
-We'll be out of here soon.-What do you mean?
There's all that surplusammo from World War II
they haven't used yet.
I don't know how muchmore of this I can stand.
You'll stand it
as long as I do.
Thank heavens none of us
has to stand it alone.
I know, and that'sa great comfort,
as long as I'msitting near an opening.
Hawkeye,
Private Lovett's
blood pressure's dropping.
-Stay put. I'll get it.-Thanks.
No. Wait a minute.
I'm a doctor,and he's my patient.
Let me try.
-A-Are you sure?
-Of course not.
Stay with me,
but not too close.
You don't feel it,do you?
Pulse rapid.Skin clammy.
I don't know who'swhiter, him or me.
Excuse me.
Hawk, we're gonnahave to go back in.
But it's dark in there.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
He's bleeding into his belly.It's out of control.
[panting]
Ohh!
Pump the rest ofthat blood in fast.
Hawk,
I'll take care of it.
It's gonna be awfully tough
finding a bleederat the bottom of that well
with no generator,no suction,
and, as an extra addeddistraction, no anesthesia.
I know. But I know
a place where we
got all that stuff.
So do I. I'm the closestone to it.
Are you sure? You're
not exactly yourself.
I will be as longas I stay out of there.
At least I'll have somethingreal to be afraid of.
You know best.
I'll tell Potter.
I'm gonna needone of your nurses.
I'll get my helmet.
Margaret, stay here.It's a lot quieter.
I know, I know.
I'm crazy,
and I'll probably
never forgive myself.
But I'm also
the head nurse.
And I'll be damned
if I'll send someone
else out there
to face what terrifies me.
You're a better nursethan I am, Gunga Din.
-[explosions]
-[sighs]
Keep those headlights off,
and don't rush
to get back there.
Above all, if the shellinggets too close,
for heaven's sake,
pull off the road.
Not too fast. I want to readthe Burma Shave signs.
Well, good luck
to both of you.
What you're doing
takes a lot of guts.
-And no brains.-Don't pick up any hitchhikers.
Can we just get outta here?
Thanks fora wonderful evening.
We'll have you folksover real soon.
Remember, keep the helmets on
and the lights off.
[explosion]
Be careful.
[distant explosion]
-More suction. I can't see.-Suction.
[incoming shell,
loud explosion]
Sounds like they're
getting closer.
Keep that suction coming.
-[explosion]
-I swear they're
getting closer.
I think I found the bleeder.Retractor.
Retractor.
Okay. Pull that back.
You know, with Klingerand Mulcahy's blood in him,
this kid'll wake up singing"Ave Maria" in Lebanese.
Margaret, that wassupposed to be funny.
You're not helping meby not laughing.
There's nothing funny
about any of this.
All right. Okay, okay.
Let's try something else.A game. 20 Questions.
-You're crazy.
-No. It works.
My father used toplay that with us
when we wenton family drives.
Kept our mindsoff throwing up.
Okay. You think of somebodyfamous, living or dead,
and I have to guesswho it is.
I can't play any games.
Think of somebody.
Winston Churchill.
Don't tell me.
Think of somebody else,and keep it to yourself.
[explosion]
-You got somebody?
-No.
Well, get somebody.
Boy, you are reallylousy at this game.
All right, all right.
I'm ready.
Okay.
Now, first question.
Are you busy Saturday night?
[sighs] What?
Well, I guessthat rules me out.
-[loud explosion]
-[screams]
Is he a she, or is she a he?
She's a woman.
All right. It's eitherEleanor Roosevelt
or Marilyn Monroe.
-This is stupid.
-[explosion]
Stop! Give me
another question.
-Is she living or dead?-[explosion]
That's a dumb question.Is she vegetable or mineral?
-Are you gonna play or not?-All right, all right.
-She's dead.
-Dead.
Uh, uh, more thana hundred years?
-Yes.
-500?
-Yes.-Boy, she must look awful.
-Is she married?
-[explosions stop]
-Wait a minute.
-Separated?
No, shh! Listen.
Come on, Margaret.We're doing so well.
No, no. Listen.
It's stopped.
The shelling's stopped.
Well, hold on.
They may just be reloadingthe cotton in their ears.
No, no, no. It's over.
We made it.
Boy, we are really brave.
Yeah. Well, let's just keep
thinking that. [panting]
Um...
Joan of Arc.
How did you know?
It's easy. Who elsewould you be thinking of
in the last five minutes?
[both laughing]
[vehicle approaching]
[brakes squeal]
POTTER: Look for Pierceand Houlihan.
Careful, careful!
[chatter]
Easy through the doorway.
Sir, there's life,
barely.
I don't know about them,but he's okay.
Aw, let 'em sleep.
They deserve it.
-They're home.
-Oh, good.
-We better help.
-Right.
[moan]
[theme music playing]
Here you go.
Bigelow? Give Lovettanother unit of whole blood.
And keep your eye
on that drainage, okay?
Yes, Doctor.
-Do you get off at dawn?-Yes, Doctor.
Same here. You wanna
meet in the supply tent
and take stock
of each other?
Absolutely not, Doctor.
A simple yes
would've sufficed.
-Hey, Hawk?
-Yes.
Give me a hand here,
will ya?
Hold this tension.
When are you gonna learn
to pull your ownweight around here?
Just be a second. He usedto work on a chain gang.
[explosion]
Shelling?
Couldn't be.The angels are bowling.
Sounded like one
of our 105s.
-[explosion]
-How do you know?
-I'm in the army.
-[explosions continue]
That one's comingfrom the other direction.
Great. We're ina cross fire. Hurry up.
[All Chattering]
All right. Take it easy.I'm sure they don't mean it.
We're safe as long as theykeep aiming at us.
How about
if we get some coffee?
Good idea.I'm getting sleepy.
[explosion]
Nothing to worry about.
Happens all the time.
Yeah, this'll all blow over.
Reassuring.
Very reassuring.
-What the hell's going on?-And from every direction.
Shut up, both of you.I'm trying to raise I-Corps.
Should we tell him he doesn'thave a phone in his hand?
Colonel, you don't havea phone in your hand.
KLINGER:
Hello? I-Corps?
Just a second!
Here, sir.
Klinger, you got room
for two more?
No. I'm wearing a full skirt.
Hello. Colonel Sherman Potter.
Get me the Artillery FireDirection Center.
[explosions continuing]
Yeah, I guess you couldcall this an emergency!
-We surrender already!
-Boy, if I had a stick
with a white handkerchief
on it, I'd show them.
Maybe if we stoodon the roof
-and put up our hands.-Hello, Major?
Colonel Sherman Potter,MASH 4077.
Stop the shelling!
Stop it! Stop it!
You gotta reason with them.
Colonel, we're runningthree different battles here.
I don't have time to chat.
You're where? Ouijongbu?
Yes! We're engaging a Chinesebattery two miles south.
You're what? You can't be.
4077th MASHis 12 miles to the east.
In your hat. We were therefor two days three weeks ago.
'Cause we're mobile,
that's why.
What do you think
the big M stands for?
Did you forget
to file your DOA-63/A,
notifying H.Q. about that?
Major, and I'm usingthat title for the moment,
we are in your line of fire!
Tell him
money is no object.
All right, let's assumeyou made a mistake
and you are out there.
According to procedure,I need to know you're you.
Authenticate a Victor Zuluaccording to the S.O.I.
Klinger, where's
the code book?
It's not under here.
Find it. Find it.
[explosions continue]
Radar's got nothing in here
but National Geographicsabout Tahiti and New Guinea.
Yeah? Take 'em back
to the Swamp.
What about "Signal
Operating Instructions"?
S.O.I.! That's it!
[loud explosion]
Victor..."Victor Mature.
Victor Zulu."
Victor Zulu.
And I respond,
uh, "Eskimo Pie."
Sorry. That is incorrect.
Obviously, you havea superseded code book,
Colonel Potter,
if that's who you are.
What do you mean,"if that's who you are"?
Look, you dunderhead,
I'm me! But I'm notgonna be me much longer
if you don't squirt the battle
in another direction!
I'm sorry, Colonel.
Without the properauthorization response,
we have no wayof knowing who you are.
Look, if you are one of us,
get out of there.
You're in danger.
And if you're one of them,
stay right where you are,and we'll get to you, comrade.
[explosions continue]
He thinks I'm Chinese.
I don't see it myself.
Why don't we justcall the people
that are doingthe actual shooting?
That could be anybody.
This whole thing
is probablyover somebody's wife.
I'll call General Imbrie.
He knows my voice.
He'll identify me.
KLINGER: I'm way ahead
of you, Colonel.
There's only one thing wrong.
The phone's kaput.
[all shouting]
We gotta do something.
We're sitting
in a future crater.
All right,
a senior staff meeting
in the mess tent
in five minutes.
Last one thereis a dead duck.
I'm coming with you!
[loud explosion]
Then again,
why do you need me?
Well, folks, the way I see it,
we're in the middle
of a boxing ring
between two
blindfolded fighters.
What you aresaying, Colonel,
in your inimitablyfolksy style,
is thatwe are doomed.
It soundedso much betterwhen he said it.
[loud explosion]
Now there's
a wicked left hook.
Sorry I'm late.
I forgot where I'd
put my steel pot.
Then I remembered I used itto plant azaleas.
It still smells of mulch.
But, as they say,
any pot in a storm.
What a wonderful pun,Father.
You can replant thoseazaleas on my grave.
Oh, I'm sure He'll protect us.
-Here, Father. Sit by me.-Thank you.
Padre, I was just saying
-our situation
looks desperate.
-Right.
-But not hopeless.
-Wrong.
Apparently, neither sideknows we're here.
A major move under
these conditions
would be more dangerousthan staying,
but there's no time
to dig bunkers.
Now tell us the bad news.
Well, I've done some checking,
and we do have
an alternative.
Dig a holeand come up in Kansas.
-Actually, you're not far off.-California?
About a half mile
west of here,
there's an abandoned cave
that the North Koreansused as an aid station.
A cave? There must bea better place than a cave.
I think it's a brilliant
idea. Let's go.
At least we'll beunder some cover.
-Exactly. Let's go!-Wait a minute, wait a minute.
We can't geteverybody in there.
I believe we can.
It'll be a tight fit,
but if we just take
the bare necessities,
we should make it.
We'll enter according
to rank, sir.
-Let's go.
-Just a second.
You want to move patientsto a damp cave with no heat?
We'll take a few
space heaters.
Just moving them is risky.
I got a chest case in therejust came out of O.R.
Fine. You stay here
with your patient.
I'm sure
he'll be very grateful
when the shells start
falling around you.
-Hold it. Listen.
-[silence]
-[loud explosion]
-That's it. We move.
-ALL: [chattering]-HAWKEYE: Wait a second.
MMARGARET: Take out the I.V.Before you load him up.
It's gonna be awfully
crowded in there.
Kellye? Come on.
If we miss this ride,we'll have to thumb.
-Doctor?
-Yeah.
There's still a fair
amount of bloody drainage.
Could be a small bleeder.I'll check him on the bus.
Enjoy the ride, kid. It'sthe only way to see Korea.
Help you acrossthe street, ma'am?
I'm used to it. I got my familythrough nine evictions.
This neighborhood'scertainly falling apart.
Wait a minute. Put him down.I'm losing tension.
Easy, O'Malley.We'll get you out of here.
We're gonna have
to rig up something
so he can travel.
-Doc--
-Uh, just take it
easy, O'Malley.
We're working on it.
How about a couple
of crutches?
-Not for a couple of months.-No, no.
You could set 'em on eitherside and use it as a splint.
Then tie the ends together,use it as a fulcrum,
and then adjust the tension.
Yeah. Yeah,
that should work.
Sort of like a Thomas splint.
You're really
something, O'Malley.
Is there anything
you don't know?
Yeah, how to duck.
[explosions continue]
Is that it?
Yeah, unless we left
the bathtub running.
Colonel, I've been thinking.It might be worth it
to leave somebody hereto keep an eye on the place.
Pierce, these caves havebeen around for centuries.
They're perfectly safe.
It wouldn't be
any trouble.
I'll just surround
myself with sandbags
and say "Who goes
there?" a lot.
We're going to the cave.Get on.
-[explosions continue]
-Transfer, please.
All right, Klinger.Turn it over.
You mind if I
put the top up, sir?
It might deflect the shells.
Nah, it's too nice
an evening.
Wagons ho!
[engine starts]
Wait! Stop! Klinger,
stop that jeep!
Where do you thinkyou're going?
He was about to leave
without you, sad sack.
Drop that junk and get in.
Junk? These are mybarest necessities.
I'm not leavingwithout them.
Drive on, Klinger.
Klinger! Wait!
Aah!
[distant explosions]
MARGARET:
Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Hurry!
-Let's go! Let's go!
Step it up, huh?
-Be careful.
Okay. Go.
Extra blankets
for every patient.
It's all rock here,
and everything's wet.
-There you go. Got it?
-Got it.
Oh, yeah, there's home.
Just how I pictured it:a vine-covered hole.
-How's it doing, O'Malley?-Feels fine. Not much pain.
Lucky for him he wasaround to help himself.
It looks awfully low in there.
Come on. I need helpsetting up a pulley inside.
-I'll stay out here
and direct traffic.
-You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.Why do you ask?
Nothing. I've just never
seen you this brave before.
No, I'm fine, really.Save me a stalagmite.
-Anything left out here?-Just me.
Before I go in, sir,I demand
you send out a patrolto rescue my wardrobe.
Into the cavewith the rest of the bats.
All right, Pierce.
Everyone's in. Let's go.
Uh-huh.
[explosions continue]
Here I am, going in.
And here I am, coming out.
Pierce,
what are you doin'?
Do you have anythingin a larger size?
Look, son, I don't know
what's gotten into you,
but as your commander,
I can't go in until
you go in, so in you go.
I don't think so, Colonel.
I don't breathetoo well in there.
You know what I mean?
Claustrophobia?
[exhales]Ever since I was a kid.
People used to thinkI kept my clothes in a pilebecause I was a slob.
It's just that I couldn'tstep into a walk-in closet.
Look, I know there's
plenty of air in there
and the walls aren't
gonna cave in,
but that's what's gonna happen,so let's just forget it.
I wish I'd known before, son,
but I don't know what elsewe could've done.
What else was there to do?I couldn't jeopardizethe whole unit
on account of my stupid,irrational fears
which happen to be real.
Easy now. Nobody's
gonna force you
to do what you can't do.
If you have to stay
outside,
then keep close
to the entrance,
where it's a little safer.
-All right?
-All right.
-All right.
-All right.
[explosions continue]
[incoming shells]
Hi, honey! I'm home!
[explosions continue]
Hello. Just stay calm.
Everybody make room
for each other.
Breathe slowly. Save someair for the next person.
I'm sure there's
plenty for everybody.
Don't panic just 'causethe walls are closing in.
Make a hole.
Comin' through.
Hello, Hawkeye.
Kind of cozy,
isn't it? Excuse me.
Father, whatever you'regoing out for, I'll get it.
I wasn't going out.
I'll get it anyway.
POTTER: Make room.Make room.
How're you holding up?
Fine. Great. Fantastic.
-Get me outta here.
-What's the matter?
He's got a littleclaustrophobia.
Oh, dear. Well,
you shouldn't be here.
Father, you have a realgrasp of the obvious.
-May I be excused?-Right. Comin' through!
Right. Let him through!
Let him through!
I'm gettin' out
and goin' for coffee!
[explosions continue]
Easy, son. Easy.
We need a sentry
here anyway.
It'll be all right,Hawkeye.
If you'd liketo talk about it,
I'm working downat the other end.
Uh... Oh, well.
Right now I just need
a little room, okay?
Ah-ha.
Nice of the North Koreansto leave us this hook.
They probably used it
for the same thing.
Don't be silly.
They used itto hang themselves
after spending an hourin here.
This caveis a terrible idea.
One direct hiton the entrance,
we'll be sealedin here for eternity.
A little louder,you could start a stampede.
-I haven't evenmentioned the dampness.-Don't.
Oh, sure. You don't havesinus trouble.
I hope you're notsubject to pneumonia,because that's next.
When they finallyfind our skeletons,
they won't be ableto tell who's who
because the dog tagswill all be rusted over.
Listen, Gloom Hilda,
will you keep it down.
There are a lot of
frightened people here.
And I'm one of them,so I will say what I please.
I don't think you need
the other sandbag.
-What?
-The second sandbag...
it's too much weight.
Charles, I checked the X-ray.
I want more tension on the leg.The weight is perfect.
Fine. Fine. Brilliant.
Too bad it's all academic.
We're gonna be buriedin here anyway.
Winchester, I know we'rein kind of a tough spot here.
Nerves are a little raw.People are kind of anxious.
Make one more doomsday remark,
you're gonna need splints
for all your teeth.
To answer you in your owndead-end parlance,
"Youse and whom else?"
-Just "mese."
-You know, boys,
these modern caveshave terrific acoustics.
You can hear everything10 times. So shut up.
I still say this caveis a terrible idea.
I heard that.
[explosions continue]
Hi, Lovett.
Where did they get you?
Don't talk like that
to your blood bank.
How do my corpuscles feel,
by the way? Warm, I bet.
I'm a warm-blooded guy.
My desert heritage.
How much do I need?
Don't worry. Whatever
it is, I can spare it.
Besides, there's more
where I came from.
Father Mulcahy
and Major Winchester
have the same type
blood as me,
except one's a little purer
and one's a little bluer.
How's it going,
Klinger?
Major, I was justtelling Lovett here
that you and me have
the same blood type.
That is not funny,
Klinger.
It's in the records.
Ironic, huh? Us two,
brothers under the skin?
That's as demoralizinga thought
as I have ever encountered.
Klinger, stop talkingto the patient, please.
It's bad enough he hasto have you in his veins,
let alone his ears.
Some brother.
CHARLES:
I heard that.
[explosions continue]
Where are you going?
Down to the corner to buya paper and a larger room.
No, no, no.
Stay here. Come on.
I'll sit with you.
Do you believein reincarnation?
What?
Looking in theremakes me think
of all the things I wouldn'twant to come back as:
a snail, an oyster,a turtle.
[chuckles] Can youimagine me as a turtle?
Afraid to getinto my own shell.
I'd die of embarrassment,
all the other turtles laughingat me in my underwear.
[sighs] I wish I was strongand brave like you.
Ha! That's a laugh.
As much as you want
to get out of this cave,
that's how much
I want to stay in.
Oh? You like suffocation?
With you,
it's closed-in places.
With me, it's loud noises.
I've always been
oversensitive to them.
-Trains, a car backfiring---[loud explosion]
Shellfire.
I hate shellfire.
So naturally,you joined the army.
To be a nurse.
Every time a shell goes off,
I have to practically
nail my feet to the floor
to keep myself
from running away.
[explosion]
Don't worry about that.That wasn't close.
-[loud explosion]
-Aah!
Now that's close.
Boy, I can't leave you twoin the backseat of anything.
We're just sitting underthe rockets' red glare,
sharing our favoriteunreasonable fears.
I see it hasn't helped.
This probably won't,
either,
but at least it's warm.
-Here.
-Thanks.
This is every nightmareI've ever had coming true.
Hang on. The shelling
can't last much longer.
-We'll be out of here soon.-What do you mean?
There's all that surplusammo from World War II
they haven't used yet.
I don't know how muchmore of this I can stand.
You'll stand it
as long as I do.
Thank heavens none of us
has to stand it alone.
I know, and that'sa great comfort,
as long as I'msitting near an opening.
Hawkeye,
Private Lovett's
blood pressure's dropping.
-Stay put. I'll get it.-Thanks.
No. Wait a minute.
I'm a doctor,and he's my patient.
Let me try.
-A-Are you sure?
-Of course not.
Stay with me,
but not too close.
You don't feel it,do you?
Pulse rapid.Skin clammy.
I don't know who'swhiter, him or me.
Excuse me.
Hawk, we're gonnahave to go back in.
But it's dark in there.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
He's bleeding into his belly.It's out of control.
[panting]
Ohh!
Pump the rest ofthat blood in fast.
Hawk,
I'll take care of it.
It's gonna be awfully tough
finding a bleederat the bottom of that well
with no generator,no suction,
and, as an extra addeddistraction, no anesthesia.
I know. But I know
a place where we
got all that stuff.
So do I. I'm the closestone to it.
Are you sure? You're
not exactly yourself.
I will be as longas I stay out of there.
At least I'll have somethingreal to be afraid of.
You know best.
I'll tell Potter.
I'm gonna needone of your nurses.
I'll get my helmet.
Margaret, stay here.It's a lot quieter.
I know, I know.
I'm crazy,
and I'll probably
never forgive myself.
But I'm also
the head nurse.
And I'll be damned
if I'll send someone
else out there
to face what terrifies me.
You're a better nursethan I am, Gunga Din.
-[explosions]
-[sighs]
Keep those headlights off,
and don't rush
to get back there.
Above all, if the shellinggets too close,
for heaven's sake,
pull off the road.
Not too fast. I want to readthe Burma Shave signs.
Well, good luck
to both of you.
What you're doing
takes a lot of guts.
-And no brains.-Don't pick up any hitchhikers.
Can we just get outta here?
Thanks fora wonderful evening.
We'll have you folksover real soon.
Remember, keep the helmets on
and the lights off.
[explosion]
Be careful.
[distant explosion]
-More suction. I can't see.-Suction.
[incoming shell,
loud explosion]
Sounds like they're
getting closer.
Keep that suction coming.
-[explosion]
-I swear they're
getting closer.
I think I found the bleeder.Retractor.
Retractor.
Okay. Pull that back.
You know, with Klingerand Mulcahy's blood in him,
this kid'll wake up singing"Ave Maria" in Lebanese.
Margaret, that wassupposed to be funny.
You're not helping meby not laughing.
There's nothing funny
about any of this.
All right. Okay, okay.
Let's try something else.A game. 20 Questions.
-You're crazy.
-No. It works.
My father used toplay that with us
when we wenton family drives.
Kept our mindsoff throwing up.
Okay. You think of somebodyfamous, living or dead,
and I have to guesswho it is.
I can't play any games.
Think of somebody.
Winston Churchill.
Don't tell me.
Think of somebody else,and keep it to yourself.
[explosion]
-You got somebody?
-No.
Well, get somebody.
Boy, you are reallylousy at this game.
All right, all right.
I'm ready.
Okay.
Now, first question.
Are you busy Saturday night?
[sighs] What?
Well, I guessthat rules me out.
-[loud explosion]
-[screams]
Is he a she, or is she a he?
She's a woman.
All right. It's eitherEleanor Roosevelt
or Marilyn Monroe.
-This is stupid.
-[explosion]
Stop! Give me
another question.
-Is she living or dead?-[explosion]
That's a dumb question.Is she vegetable or mineral?
-Are you gonna play or not?-All right, all right.
-She's dead.
-Dead.
Uh, uh, more thana hundred years?
-Yes.
-500?
-Yes.-Boy, she must look awful.
-Is she married?
-[explosions stop]
-Wait a minute.
-Separated?
No, shh! Listen.
Come on, Margaret.We're doing so well.
No, no. Listen.
It's stopped.
The shelling's stopped.
Well, hold on.
They may just be reloadingthe cotton in their ears.
No, no, no. It's over.
We made it.
Boy, we are really brave.
Yeah. Well, let's just keep
thinking that. [panting]
Um...
Joan of Arc.
How did you know?
It's easy. Who elsewould you be thinking of
in the last five minutes?
[both laughing]
[vehicle approaching]
[brakes squeal]
POTTER: Look for Pierceand Houlihan.
Careful, careful!
[chatter]
Easy through the doorway.
Sir, there's life,
barely.
I don't know about them,but he's okay.
Aw, let 'em sleep.
They deserve it.
-They're home.
-Oh, good.
-We better help.
-Right.
[moan]
[theme music playing]