M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 2 - Peace on Us - full transcript
After hearing the Army has upped the ante on credits for a discharge, Hawkeye Pierce becomes enraged. He throws a huge tantrum, steals a Jeep and races up to the peace talks to try and convince them, in his own unique way, of why they should speed it up and end the cursed war.
[theme music playing]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
This is absolutely the final call for morning formation.
Those survivors of last night's three-day party
who have not already fallen,
please fall in.
Margaret,you know the regulations.
What are you doing out here
with clean clothesand no beard?
Enjoying the most beautifulmorning I've seen in weeks.
Where?
Oh, the sun's gonna
ruin my comb-out.
Just what this country needs:a good 1-cent cigar.
-[whistle blows]
-[all groaning]
-[grumbling]
-Radar.
You'll get it backafter the war.
Company, ten-hut!
Thank you, Major.
As you were.
Good morning, people.
Two announcements. First...
-Yes, Pierce?-I move for adjournment.
Of course you do.
First, now that we'vemoved the gasoline
next to the latrine,
there will beno smoking in there.
Anyone caught will get what'sleft of his butt kicked.
Safety first.
And now this cheery bitof news.
For the lastcouple of weeks,
it looked like we mightbe getting a break
in the peace talks,
that we mightall be going home.
No such luck.
Those red-tape wormsup at Panmunjom
are stuck again.We're back at square 1.
-[grumbling]-It's never gonna stop!
[murmuring]
All right, I know,
but remember, nobody'shere for the duration.
When you've got enoughservice points,
the armywill rotate you home.
In the meantime,let's pull together,
do the best we can...
and, uh... Aw, you knowthe rest of the song.
-Radar, let 'em go.
-Yes, sir.
Company, ten-hut!
Dismissed.
I love it. Peace talks.
They talk,and we get blown to pieces.
Ah, these shortsighted men
of great vision.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Do you naive little boys
really think
that all the parties
concerned have to do
is shake hands
and make nice?
It's futile, children.
Stamping your little feet
is not gonna help.
You're right, Charles.
Heck, it's a big, bright,beautiful world we live in.
[jet passes overhead]
Margaret, what's with all thisgood cheer? There's a war on.
What happened
to "Let a snarl
be your umbrella?"
Well, it just so happens
that I have a datenext Saturday
with my husband in Tokyo.
Good. You two can
finally fight in person.
I know, I know.We've had some problems.
We know, we know.We heard the yelling.
Well,it's all behind us now.
Donald and I have decided
that there's nothingwe can't settle
if we can just sit downand discuss it.
At least your peace talks
show some promise.
-[knocking]
-Yeah! Come!
-Yes, Corporal?
-Uh, Major, ma'am,
before I give you thistelegram I'm gonna give you,
I just want you to know
it's not my fault.
Now, listen! I'm just
a messenger here,
so don't
take it out on me
not that you would,
but you always do.
Can I see it?
Remember,
I had nothing to do--
Oh, I'm a dead man.
Radar, why are you
worried about this?
Why should this upset me?
You mean you're not mad
that your colonel-husband
can't meet you?
Of course not.He's only been transferred
to San Francisco for a week.
It's an emergency.
Yeah, but you had plans.
You were going to Tokyo.
So we'll meetwhen he gets back.
There'll be other weekends.
The important thing is we'retrying to work things out.
You mind if I, uh,
just take another lookat this message, ma'am?
-You sure you're noteven gonna slug me once?-[laughs]
Attention! Attention,
all personnel.
Incoming choppers.
On the double, folks.
-Hup. Let's go.-Wow! I must've been scared.
I didn't even hear 'em.
Choppers!
B.J.: Look at this guy.
It's gonna take me
half an hour
just to figure out
what goes where.
I'd like to see
the peace delegates
negotiate
over that table.
Headline: "Korean War ends.
"Both sides capitulate
to Captain Benjamin'Holier Than Thou' Pierce."
Charles, you're
walking a steep ledge
in a hurricane.
Oh, come off it, Pierce.
You have more rotation
points than any of us.
You have the leastcause to gripe.
Look, Doctor, the four
or five eternities
I've spent putting
these kids back together
gives me every right I need
to complain about thislousy, stinking, rotten war.
And if that still doesn't passthe Winchester Review Board,
why don't we settle thisoutside, man to victim?
You'd love that,wouldn't you, Mr. Pacifist?
You bet I would.
Boys, please! We have enoughbloodshed in here already.
Father, just turn
your cheek, huh?
All right. Shut it off.
I'm in this kid's bellyup to my elbows.
I'm not about
to pull you people
off each other's throats,understood?
And the next time someone jumpson the father,
they're gonna answerto a higher authority: me!
Thank you, Colonel, but that'sreally not necessary.
What do you mean
it's not necessary?
Don't you tell me
what's not necessary!
Whoops.
[exhales]Sit down, all of you.
-Actually, I prefer--
-Sit down!
Of course.
I don't like the way thingsare shaping up in this camp.
Everybody's growling.
It's ugly.
I'm afraid
to walk home at night.
This used to besuch a good neighborhood.
Well, there'll besome changes made today.
See this smile?
You're all gonna wear
one just like it.
Hopefully, it'll catch on.
-Surely you don't think---Quiet!
Smile!
And now for you two.
The whole camp
follows your lead.
That's why-- and remember,
I'm a colonel--
I want you
to play the game.
You don't have
to love it here.
Just tolerate it
an awful lot.
That's impossible.
The best I can do
is despise the place.
Call it an order!
That's what I like to hear.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
You might want to shave
and put on a new uniform.
I'm too exhausted.
Maybe the next war.
Do it!
Boy, will you feel dandy.
He's right, you know.
You look awful.
Lieutenant Colonel
Donald Penobscott.
I want to know exactly when
he's coming back
from San Francisco.
It should be
some time next week.
Then look for it.
Clod.
That's right. Penobscott.
What do you mean
he's not due back?
He's been assigned therepermanently?
Are you sure?
Who's the jackasswho requested that?
He did?
Himself?
He requested it himself?
[whistling]
I see.You've been very helpful.
Good-bye.
Gee, ma'am.
Thanks a lot
for keeping your
call within time.
I sure do
appreciate that.
Did you find out when your
colonel's coming back?
Yes. Yes, I found outeverything.
That's great.
You know something?
I really was surprised
the way you took
that telegram before.
And pardon me
for saying so,
but you're really a nice
person when you're nice.
[chuckles]
Hey. Feel that.Smoother than a baby's bottom.
Yeah, a baby baboon.
When are you gonna shaveoff that cheesy mustache?
Never. I like a littlerebellion on my face.
Rebellion is one thing.That's revolting.
Well, I happen to love it.Don't we, Charles?
Nurse Carvelli has
a better-looking mustache.
So the truth comes out.Neither of you has any taste.
-Beej, I'm aghast.
-Okay.
I can understand that
about him, but me?
I'm the snappiest dresserin this camp.
You? You better changebefore somebody rolls you up
and throws you in the backof the laundry truck.
I get the message.
Will you be happy
if I put on a tie?
Remember, stripesclash with blood spots.
Look at this bilious
schmatte.
Everything here is green.I'm so sick of green.
You know why they dress usthis way, don't you?
So we'll blend
into the background.
Nobody matters 'cause
we all look alike.
Just once I'd like to see
some other color.
Like red, for instance.
Not this kind of red.
Red that's rosy.
Red that's cheery.
I'm not asking much.
A red handkerchief.
Red fringe.
I don't know. A little redalligator on the pocket.
Something to break things up.
Like a mustache?
Don't get carried away.
Excuse the interruption,
but is the bar open?
Do I have to change
you myself?
I'm working on it.
And when are you gonna getrid of that cheesy mustache?
Never! It's either this
or I wear a caterpillarunder my nose.
I'd court-martial him.
So would I, but I
hate the paperwork.
Then shoot him. Humph.
Getting close to that.
Look, I'm in no mood
to argue.
Keep it, Hunnicutt.
Good.I hate caterpillars.
You wanted a drink, Colonel?
We'd all better have one.
Uh-oh.I hear the bell tolling again.
This is gonna hit
everybody hard,
especially you, Hawkeye.
With the war trudging on,
the army is having a tough
time replacing surgeons.
-So be advised that--
-Don't say it!
They upped
the rotation points.
Instead of 36 points
to get out of here,
you now need 45.
I protest!
We've been had! Again!
-Son, I'm really--
-[crash]
...sorry.
45 points!
Why not 50? 60?
Why not a million?
-[grunts]
-Outta my way, Pierce!
I'm gonna kick every
can in this camp!
I don't know what--
Hey, hey!
I don't know
what set you off,
but I'm not
in the mood!
Of course not.It means nothing to you
that my husband got
himself transferred
back to San Francisco
for good!
Margaret, they changed
the rules on us again!
He ran out on me!
We'll be here forever!
We'll be here longer
than forever!
What do you mean,
he ran out on you?
He lied to me.
He kept saying we couldwork things out.
And then to prove it,
he went sneaking off.
He couldn't even face me,the dirty, miserable weasel!
What are you gonna do?
Get a divorce, that's what!
[crying]Get a divorce.
[crying continues]
Margaret, I'm sorry.
It's my fault.[Sniffles]
Look at the placeI picked to have a marriage!
This damn war.
We're helpless here.
We just gotta sit here
and take it.
This has gotta stop.
This has gotta stop
right now.
Today. This minute!
What are you doing?Where are you going?
-I'm going to Panmunjom.-What?
I'm going to the peace talks.
The peace talks? Why?
To stop the war!
You can't do that!Are you crazy?
Officer, I'm looking for thepeace talks. Can you help me?
Would you state your
business here, sir?
You're kidding.You mean you don't know?
Know what, sir?
That there's a very,very sick man up here.
I'm Dr. Benjamin FranklinPierce, MASH 4077.
I was told to reportto the peace talks immediately.
We just came on,but we weren't notified
of anyone needing
medical help.
Look, I don't knowwhat the story is,
but I just ran every red lightin Korea to get here.
Nothing in the log
about it.
Fellas, they said it wasa matter of life and death.
How about it?
I'll ride up there with himand check this out.
Fine. Get in.
And you'll get
the toll, won't you?
Then let me go after him!
No way, José!
You don't leave my sight.
Did you get throughto Panmunjom yet?
No. I'm still waitingfor Sparky to clear a line.
Radar,offer him anything
except my 20-year-oldbottle of Scotch.
-Uh-oh.
-Swell.
Colonel, I wish a wordwith you in private.
Major, I heard,
and I wanna have a long talkwith you about your problem,
but right now I've gottacut that wild Indianoff at the pass.
Shall we stepinto your office?
Right behind you,
but just for a minute.
All right, Margaret, shoot.
Well, Colonel, as you know,I've decided to divorce
that rotten, no-good excusefor a husband of mine.
I know.How can I help?
You can tell me that I'm doingthe right thing.
I need you to reassure methat I've suffered enough.
Oh, I hate to seeany marriage go kablooey.
But in this case,I'd dump him.
Dump him?
What a terrible thing to say!
But you just finished saying--
After all,
it's not a love affair.
It's a marriage.
That's not something
you just throw away.
No. No, you don't.
-Maybe you should call him.-Call him?
I will not!
Why should I?
I was ready to talk,
and he went crawling
off to San Francisco
like a frightened worm!
-Yeah. That's what he did.-You bet that's what he did!
Maybe I'm being too hasty.
Should I give him
another chance?
Margaret, let meask you something.
How do you feel about itright here, down in your gut?
That's always beenmy final yardstick.
What do your insidestell you?
My insides just don't know!
-Colonel, Panmunjom is on.-Yeah. In a moment.
Come on, Margaret. From yourgut, what do you want to do?
-Divorce him.
-Then do it!
I will!
Yeah. Panmunjom?
Right.
Uh, I got
the guard gate.
Yeah. This is
the 4077th MASH.
-Right. How are you, Guard?-Radar, they're fine.
-Ask 'em about Pierce!
-Right.
We're looking for
a Captain Benjamin Pierce.
Uh, he's a doctor.
He's in a jeep.
He's wearing doctor stuff.
Yeah. You've seen him?
They've seen him.
-And? And?
-Oh. Oh, yeah. Right.
And?
No kidding? He left there.
-[exhales deeply]
-Whew! To go on ahead.
I don't believe it.
He got in?
35 years in the army,I thought I'd seen it all.
It's okay, men. I've arrived.Everything's gonna be fine.
-Did somebody up here
call for a doctor?
-Doctor?
Why am I the only onewho knows what's going on here?
Somebody in thereis sick and sent for me.That's all I know.
It's probablyGeneral Tomlin.
He's always complaining
how this placegives him gastritis.
Gastritis. See?
Which one is Tomlin?
The fat one with his
hand on his belly.
Right. Thanks.
[Guard] Next time,
I wish they'd call ahead.
[Exhales deeply]
Hey. What is this?
Take it easy, General.
Everything's
gonna be all right.
Well,
what are you doing?
I'm a doctor. I'm here foryour gastritis. Sit down.
Well, uh,
I'm feeling a little
better today.
Mm-hmm.
Who called you?
And just in time too.
You sticking to boiled chickenand poached eggs?
Yes.
And lots of buttermilk?
Well, some.
Oh, please, don't
let me stop you.
You people have a lotof work to do, you know.
-Ahem.-And you're falling behind.
It's a real mess out there,in case you haven't noticed.
Mind if I give you
a little hint?
Excuse me. This willjust take a second. Relax.
What you people haveto do here is help each other.
"How do we help each other?"
You ask, huh?
Hey, first you gottaget to know each other,
and you don't, do you?
Listen, um,
let me break the ice.
How many of you here
are from out of town?
How many of you here are here?
Come on. You can tell me.I'm your doctor!
I think that's
quite enough.
Easy, General. It's goingboom, boom, boom.
-Oh?
-I got a great idea.
Why don't we all take hands?
Come on. Join hands.
Everybody.
Join hands and say howdy.
Come on!
Everybo-- Howdy!
[Speaking Korean]
Howdy?
That's it! You got it!
Okay. All right.
Now, everybody! Howdy!
Come on. Come on!It's just one little word.
You mean you can't
even get together
on one little word?
What's the matter here?I don't understand.
You know what to do.Why can't you just do it?
People are dying out there!
You gotta stop it!
You can't wait anymore!You can't!
Now get back to work,
and don't make me
come here again!
It's okay, fellas.
I was just leaving.
General, don't forget.
Buttermilk,
lots of buttermilk.
You know, I feel
better already.
The nerve of that Pierce.
His patient. He picks my oneday off to play Don Quixote.
I hope they hang himfrom the highest windmill.
That's right, Charles.We all know
he went up there justto inconvenience you.
Well, at least that's
a legitimate reason.
Here are more X-rays.
Ignore the spot in the lungit's my thumb.
-Any news of Hawkeye, Father?-No,
but like the prodigal son,
I'm sure he'll return.
Must you always spout
Scripture, Father?
[chuckles] Well, I'm afraidit's an occupational hazard.
The whole camp is crowdedinto Radar's office
waiting for news.
Good Lord. You'd think
Lindbergh was
landing in Paris.
Let's hopeHawkeye's as lucky.
Gents, we can rest easy.
Pierce talked
to the delegates,
and he's on his way back.
Oh-ho-ho! He did it!I don't believe it!
Seems he spoke his pieceand hot-footed it out of there.
Looks like he's home free.
Ha!
Submoronic fruitcake.
Colonel, permission to throwthat fruitcake a party.
The biggest, wildestwelcome home ever.
Permission granted.
The camp may neverbe the same, Colonel.
I'm counting on it.
Yoo-hoo! I'm home!
Howdy, stranger. New in town?
-Beej, is that you?
-How do you like it?
You think the red socks
are too much?
What are you doing?Where is everybody?
Waiting for their peace
delegate, of course.
If you'll follow me
What's withthe Red Skelton look?
What red? It's not red.
It's anti-green.
You wanted things
rosy and cheery,
so we're making you
a little present.
-[lounge jazz music playing]-In your honor,
we've designed
a new uniform,
right down to the hair.
-[laughing]
-He's back!
-[cheering]
-I do dream in color!
-[cheering continues]
Ah. Welcome home, son!
[laughing]
Congratulations.
What are you laughing at?
This is supposed
to cheer you up!
I love it! It's-- It's insane.
Exactly!
Good heavens!
Get the man a drink!
-I'll have the red wine.-Right.
Okay, I'll pour.
-[drunkenly] Pierce.
-Yes.
-Pierce.
-Yes.
-Pierce!
-Uh-huh.
Oh, there you are. Pierce,
I have never said thisabout anyone but myself.
You are a great human being.
Careful, Curly. You'll hateyourself in the morning.
-Oh, I do now.
-[laughing]
Margaret!
Welcome home,
you crazy galoot!
I did it! I told them all!
You should have seen me.I was terrific.
Hey, listen,about your divorce,
if there's anythingI can do to help--
Best thing that ever
happened to me.
The weight of the world
is off my shoulders.
I feel like a new woman!
It's all coming back--
the spirit,
the confidence.
Oh, that's great!That's fantastic.
That's just what Iwanted to hear.
I'm proud of you,Margaret.
Oh, my God,
I need a drink.
-Here you go, son.
-[laughing]
Boy, you made the boneheadplay of all time.
Ha ha! But you sure didsomething for this motley crew.
Hey, you know, folks,
I can't put my finger
on just who it is,
but somebody around here
looks out of place.
-CROWD: Ohh!
-Oh, wait!
You're not gonna
do that to me!
Wait! Wait a minute! Whoa!
There's no waiting.
I'll look like a tallIrish setter!
[laughs]
Any last words?
We who are about
to dye salute you!
[cheering]
Stop it right here, Corporal.
[distant cheering]
I'll be a few minutes.
You can use the latrineif you want.
Nah. I think I'll hold on.
Sounds like they'reall in there.
[guffawing] That's
the worst-looking
dye-job of the bunch.
What are you talking about?I look great.
-[laughing]
-Rhonda Fleming,
eat your heart out.
[laughter continues]
-What the hell
-Excuse me?
Why does everybodygot red hair?
Ohh. You noticed.
[chuckles]
It does sort of
stand out, doesn't it?
I'm looking fora Colonel Sherman Potter.
He's over there--
the one drinking
with both hands.
Colonel Potter,I'm Major Dean Goss, I-Corps.
Colonel Sherman Potter!
Who are you?
My name is Goss, I-Corps.
I'm here from Panmunjomto see your Captain Pierce.
Oh, you are?
I assume this
has something to do
with the earlier incident
that took place up there
today, uh, earlier.
Yes, it does. Now whereis your Captain Pierce?
Yeah, he's the one
with the red hair.
What are you gonna
do with him?
He's innocent, and you'renot taking him no place.
-Margaret.
-You stay out of this
and shut up.
-[chatter]-Come on, people. Settle down.
-Look, Major, let me explain--
-Quiet, Pierce.
At least let meexplain what I had--
Stand back, son.
You're probablyin enough hot water already.
Major, I'll grant you
his going up
to the peace talks
wasn't the brightest
thing to do,
but it had some damn goodresults back here.
B.J.:
You tell him, Colonel.
All of these peoplehave been in this thing
for a long, long time.
Doing the kind of workthey do
day after daywith no end in sight,
it has to get to them.
What Pierce did todaywas let a few people know
we're tiredand we want to go home.
-That's right.-It was a shot in the arm
for all of us.
-The defense rests.
-Yeah.
You people are
really something.
-We sure are.-Actually, Captain Pierce,
I didn't come here
to haul you away.
Why not? I mean, really?
I came here to deliver
a personal message
from General Tomlin.
My gastritis patient.
The general would like youto know, for the record,
that if he catches youwithin 20 miles of Panmunjom,
he will, and I quote,
"toss you into the stockadeand throw away the key."
Oh, yeah?
Now, off the record,
he wishes he were
a crazy doctor
so he could get away
with what you did.
One more thing.
The general would like youto write a diet he can follow
to get him through
these sessions.
The pressure's killing him.
The best thing I can prescribe
is a quick end to the war.
-Pierce.
-All right.
I'll have somethingfor you before you leave.
Fine. In the meantime,
it looks like you'rehaving a little party here.
Would you care
to join us?
Well, I don't know.
Do you think I fit in?
[laughter]
I don't believe it.
-Today I believe it!
-Take one of these.
That's great.Where'd you get that done?
[off-key music playing]
Take roll call,
Radar.
Sorry, sir. Ahem.
Colonel Potter, Sherman!
Radar, I'm here.
Ahem. Corporal O'Reilly,
Walter!
So are you!Get on with it!
Yes, sir.
Major Houlihan-Penobscott,
Margaret!
That's just Houlihan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, Major Winchester,
Charles, E.!
Here, obviously. Cretin.
Captain Pierce,
Benjamin F.!
Hey, Hawkeye?
Shh. You'll wake him.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Captain Hunnicutt, B.J.!
Yo! Oh-ho. Ohh.
Lieutenant Mulcahy,
Francis, Father!
In spirit only.
Corporal Klinger, Max!
Here. Always here.
-[helicopters whirring]-Corporal--Uh-oh.
All right, people.
Here comes the war.
[theme music playing]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
This is absolutely the final call for morning formation.
Those survivors of last night's three-day party
who have not already fallen,
please fall in.
Margaret,you know the regulations.
What are you doing out here
with clean clothesand no beard?
Enjoying the most beautifulmorning I've seen in weeks.
Where?
Oh, the sun's gonna
ruin my comb-out.
Just what this country needs:a good 1-cent cigar.
-[whistle blows]
-[all groaning]
-[grumbling]
-Radar.
You'll get it backafter the war.
Company, ten-hut!
Thank you, Major.
As you were.
Good morning, people.
Two announcements. First...
-Yes, Pierce?-I move for adjournment.
Of course you do.
First, now that we'vemoved the gasoline
next to the latrine,
there will beno smoking in there.
Anyone caught will get what'sleft of his butt kicked.
Safety first.
And now this cheery bitof news.
For the lastcouple of weeks,
it looked like we mightbe getting a break
in the peace talks,
that we mightall be going home.
No such luck.
Those red-tape wormsup at Panmunjom
are stuck again.We're back at square 1.
-[grumbling]-It's never gonna stop!
[murmuring]
All right, I know,
but remember, nobody'shere for the duration.
When you've got enoughservice points,
the armywill rotate you home.
In the meantime,let's pull together,
do the best we can...
and, uh... Aw, you knowthe rest of the song.
-Radar, let 'em go.
-Yes, sir.
Company, ten-hut!
Dismissed.
I love it. Peace talks.
They talk,and we get blown to pieces.
Ah, these shortsighted men
of great vision.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Do you naive little boys
really think
that all the parties
concerned have to do
is shake hands
and make nice?
It's futile, children.
Stamping your little feet
is not gonna help.
You're right, Charles.
Heck, it's a big, bright,beautiful world we live in.
[jet passes overhead]
Margaret, what's with all thisgood cheer? There's a war on.
What happened
to "Let a snarl
be your umbrella?"
Well, it just so happens
that I have a datenext Saturday
with my husband in Tokyo.
Good. You two can
finally fight in person.
I know, I know.We've had some problems.
We know, we know.We heard the yelling.
Well,it's all behind us now.
Donald and I have decided
that there's nothingwe can't settle
if we can just sit downand discuss it.
At least your peace talks
show some promise.
-[knocking]
-Yeah! Come!
-Yes, Corporal?
-Uh, Major, ma'am,
before I give you thistelegram I'm gonna give you,
I just want you to know
it's not my fault.
Now, listen! I'm just
a messenger here,
so don't
take it out on me
not that you would,
but you always do.
Can I see it?
Remember,
I had nothing to do--
Oh, I'm a dead man.
Radar, why are you
worried about this?
Why should this upset me?
You mean you're not mad
that your colonel-husband
can't meet you?
Of course not.He's only been transferred
to San Francisco for a week.
It's an emergency.
Yeah, but you had plans.
You were going to Tokyo.
So we'll meetwhen he gets back.
There'll be other weekends.
The important thing is we'retrying to work things out.
You mind if I, uh,
just take another lookat this message, ma'am?
-You sure you're noteven gonna slug me once?-[laughs]
Attention! Attention,
all personnel.
Incoming choppers.
On the double, folks.
-Hup. Let's go.-Wow! I must've been scared.
I didn't even hear 'em.
Choppers!
B.J.: Look at this guy.
It's gonna take me
half an hour
just to figure out
what goes where.
I'd like to see
the peace delegates
negotiate
over that table.
Headline: "Korean War ends.
"Both sides capitulate
to Captain Benjamin'Holier Than Thou' Pierce."
Charles, you're
walking a steep ledge
in a hurricane.
Oh, come off it, Pierce.
You have more rotation
points than any of us.
You have the leastcause to gripe.
Look, Doctor, the four
or five eternities
I've spent putting
these kids back together
gives me every right I need
to complain about thislousy, stinking, rotten war.
And if that still doesn't passthe Winchester Review Board,
why don't we settle thisoutside, man to victim?
You'd love that,wouldn't you, Mr. Pacifist?
You bet I would.
Boys, please! We have enoughbloodshed in here already.
Father, just turn
your cheek, huh?
All right. Shut it off.
I'm in this kid's bellyup to my elbows.
I'm not about
to pull you people
off each other's throats,understood?
And the next time someone jumpson the father,
they're gonna answerto a higher authority: me!
Thank you, Colonel, but that'sreally not necessary.
What do you mean
it's not necessary?
Don't you tell me
what's not necessary!
Whoops.
[exhales]Sit down, all of you.
-Actually, I prefer--
-Sit down!
Of course.
I don't like the way thingsare shaping up in this camp.
Everybody's growling.
It's ugly.
I'm afraid
to walk home at night.
This used to besuch a good neighborhood.
Well, there'll besome changes made today.
See this smile?
You're all gonna wear
one just like it.
Hopefully, it'll catch on.
-Surely you don't think---Quiet!
Smile!
And now for you two.
The whole camp
follows your lead.
That's why-- and remember,
I'm a colonel--
I want you
to play the game.
You don't have
to love it here.
Just tolerate it
an awful lot.
That's impossible.
The best I can do
is despise the place.
Call it an order!
That's what I like to hear.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
You might want to shave
and put on a new uniform.
I'm too exhausted.
Maybe the next war.
Do it!
Boy, will you feel dandy.
He's right, you know.
You look awful.
Lieutenant Colonel
Donald Penobscott.
I want to know exactly when
he's coming back
from San Francisco.
It should be
some time next week.
Then look for it.
Clod.
That's right. Penobscott.
What do you mean
he's not due back?
He's been assigned therepermanently?
Are you sure?
Who's the jackasswho requested that?
He did?
Himself?
He requested it himself?
[whistling]
I see.You've been very helpful.
Good-bye.
Gee, ma'am.
Thanks a lot
for keeping your
call within time.
I sure do
appreciate that.
Did you find out when your
colonel's coming back?
Yes. Yes, I found outeverything.
That's great.
You know something?
I really was surprised
the way you took
that telegram before.
And pardon me
for saying so,
but you're really a nice
person when you're nice.
[chuckles]
Hey. Feel that.Smoother than a baby's bottom.
Yeah, a baby baboon.
When are you gonna shaveoff that cheesy mustache?
Never. I like a littlerebellion on my face.
Rebellion is one thing.That's revolting.
Well, I happen to love it.Don't we, Charles?
Nurse Carvelli has
a better-looking mustache.
So the truth comes out.Neither of you has any taste.
-Beej, I'm aghast.
-Okay.
I can understand that
about him, but me?
I'm the snappiest dresserin this camp.
You? You better changebefore somebody rolls you up
and throws you in the backof the laundry truck.
I get the message.
Will you be happy
if I put on a tie?
Remember, stripesclash with blood spots.
Look at this bilious
schmatte.
Everything here is green.I'm so sick of green.
You know why they dress usthis way, don't you?
So we'll blend
into the background.
Nobody matters 'cause
we all look alike.
Just once I'd like to see
some other color.
Like red, for instance.
Not this kind of red.
Red that's rosy.
Red that's cheery.
I'm not asking much.
A red handkerchief.
Red fringe.
I don't know. A little redalligator on the pocket.
Something to break things up.
Like a mustache?
Don't get carried away.
Excuse the interruption,
but is the bar open?
Do I have to change
you myself?
I'm working on it.
And when are you gonna getrid of that cheesy mustache?
Never! It's either this
or I wear a caterpillarunder my nose.
I'd court-martial him.
So would I, but I
hate the paperwork.
Then shoot him. Humph.
Getting close to that.
Look, I'm in no mood
to argue.
Keep it, Hunnicutt.
Good.I hate caterpillars.
You wanted a drink, Colonel?
We'd all better have one.
Uh-oh.I hear the bell tolling again.
This is gonna hit
everybody hard,
especially you, Hawkeye.
With the war trudging on,
the army is having a tough
time replacing surgeons.
-So be advised that--
-Don't say it!
They upped
the rotation points.
Instead of 36 points
to get out of here,
you now need 45.
I protest!
We've been had! Again!
-Son, I'm really--
-[crash]
...sorry.
45 points!
Why not 50? 60?
Why not a million?
-[grunts]
-Outta my way, Pierce!
I'm gonna kick every
can in this camp!
I don't know what--
Hey, hey!
I don't know
what set you off,
but I'm not
in the mood!
Of course not.It means nothing to you
that my husband got
himself transferred
back to San Francisco
for good!
Margaret, they changed
the rules on us again!
He ran out on me!
We'll be here forever!
We'll be here longer
than forever!
What do you mean,
he ran out on you?
He lied to me.
He kept saying we couldwork things out.
And then to prove it,
he went sneaking off.
He couldn't even face me,the dirty, miserable weasel!
What are you gonna do?
Get a divorce, that's what!
[crying]Get a divorce.
[crying continues]
Margaret, I'm sorry.
It's my fault.[Sniffles]
Look at the placeI picked to have a marriage!
This damn war.
We're helpless here.
We just gotta sit here
and take it.
This has gotta stop.
This has gotta stop
right now.
Today. This minute!
What are you doing?Where are you going?
-I'm going to Panmunjom.-What?
I'm going to the peace talks.
The peace talks? Why?
To stop the war!
You can't do that!Are you crazy?
Officer, I'm looking for thepeace talks. Can you help me?
Would you state your
business here, sir?
You're kidding.You mean you don't know?
Know what, sir?
That there's a very,very sick man up here.
I'm Dr. Benjamin FranklinPierce, MASH 4077.
I was told to reportto the peace talks immediately.
We just came on,but we weren't notified
of anyone needing
medical help.
Look, I don't knowwhat the story is,
but I just ran every red lightin Korea to get here.
Nothing in the log
about it.
Fellas, they said it wasa matter of life and death.
How about it?
I'll ride up there with himand check this out.
Fine. Get in.
And you'll get
the toll, won't you?
Then let me go after him!
No way, José!
You don't leave my sight.
Did you get throughto Panmunjom yet?
No. I'm still waitingfor Sparky to clear a line.
Radar,offer him anything
except my 20-year-oldbottle of Scotch.
-Uh-oh.
-Swell.
Colonel, I wish a wordwith you in private.
Major, I heard,
and I wanna have a long talkwith you about your problem,
but right now I've gottacut that wild Indianoff at the pass.
Shall we stepinto your office?
Right behind you,
but just for a minute.
All right, Margaret, shoot.
Well, Colonel, as you know,I've decided to divorce
that rotten, no-good excusefor a husband of mine.
I know.How can I help?
You can tell me that I'm doingthe right thing.
I need you to reassure methat I've suffered enough.
Oh, I hate to seeany marriage go kablooey.
But in this case,I'd dump him.
Dump him?
What a terrible thing to say!
But you just finished saying--
After all,
it's not a love affair.
It's a marriage.
That's not something
you just throw away.
No. No, you don't.
-Maybe you should call him.-Call him?
I will not!
Why should I?
I was ready to talk,
and he went crawling
off to San Francisco
like a frightened worm!
-Yeah. That's what he did.-You bet that's what he did!
Maybe I'm being too hasty.
Should I give him
another chance?
Margaret, let meask you something.
How do you feel about itright here, down in your gut?
That's always beenmy final yardstick.
What do your insidestell you?
My insides just don't know!
-Colonel, Panmunjom is on.-Yeah. In a moment.
Come on, Margaret. From yourgut, what do you want to do?
-Divorce him.
-Then do it!
I will!
Yeah. Panmunjom?
Right.
Uh, I got
the guard gate.
Yeah. This is
the 4077th MASH.
-Right. How are you, Guard?-Radar, they're fine.
-Ask 'em about Pierce!
-Right.
We're looking for
a Captain Benjamin Pierce.
Uh, he's a doctor.
He's in a jeep.
He's wearing doctor stuff.
Yeah. You've seen him?
They've seen him.
-And? And?
-Oh. Oh, yeah. Right.
And?
No kidding? He left there.
-[exhales deeply]
-Whew! To go on ahead.
I don't believe it.
He got in?
35 years in the army,I thought I'd seen it all.
It's okay, men. I've arrived.Everything's gonna be fine.
-Did somebody up here
call for a doctor?
-Doctor?
Why am I the only onewho knows what's going on here?
Somebody in thereis sick and sent for me.That's all I know.
It's probablyGeneral Tomlin.
He's always complaining
how this placegives him gastritis.
Gastritis. See?
Which one is Tomlin?
The fat one with his
hand on his belly.
Right. Thanks.
[Guard] Next time,
I wish they'd call ahead.
[Exhales deeply]
Hey. What is this?
Take it easy, General.
Everything's
gonna be all right.
Well,
what are you doing?
I'm a doctor. I'm here foryour gastritis. Sit down.
Well, uh,
I'm feeling a little
better today.
Mm-hmm.
Who called you?
And just in time too.
You sticking to boiled chickenand poached eggs?
Yes.
And lots of buttermilk?
Well, some.
Oh, please, don't
let me stop you.
You people have a lotof work to do, you know.
-Ahem.-And you're falling behind.
It's a real mess out there,in case you haven't noticed.
Mind if I give you
a little hint?
Excuse me. This willjust take a second. Relax.
What you people haveto do here is help each other.
"How do we help each other?"
You ask, huh?
Hey, first you gottaget to know each other,
and you don't, do you?
Listen, um,
let me break the ice.
How many of you here
are from out of town?
How many of you here are here?
Come on. You can tell me.I'm your doctor!
I think that's
quite enough.
Easy, General. It's goingboom, boom, boom.
-Oh?
-I got a great idea.
Why don't we all take hands?
Come on. Join hands.
Everybody.
Join hands and say howdy.
Come on!
Everybo-- Howdy!
[Speaking Korean]
Howdy?
That's it! You got it!
Okay. All right.
Now, everybody! Howdy!
Come on. Come on!It's just one little word.
You mean you can't
even get together
on one little word?
What's the matter here?I don't understand.
You know what to do.Why can't you just do it?
People are dying out there!
You gotta stop it!
You can't wait anymore!You can't!
Now get back to work,
and don't make me
come here again!
It's okay, fellas.
I was just leaving.
General, don't forget.
Buttermilk,
lots of buttermilk.
You know, I feel
better already.
The nerve of that Pierce.
His patient. He picks my oneday off to play Don Quixote.
I hope they hang himfrom the highest windmill.
That's right, Charles.We all know
he went up there justto inconvenience you.
Well, at least that's
a legitimate reason.
Here are more X-rays.
Ignore the spot in the lungit's my thumb.
-Any news of Hawkeye, Father?-No,
but like the prodigal son,
I'm sure he'll return.
Must you always spout
Scripture, Father?
[chuckles] Well, I'm afraidit's an occupational hazard.
The whole camp is crowdedinto Radar's office
waiting for news.
Good Lord. You'd think
Lindbergh was
landing in Paris.
Let's hopeHawkeye's as lucky.
Gents, we can rest easy.
Pierce talked
to the delegates,
and he's on his way back.
Oh-ho-ho! He did it!I don't believe it!
Seems he spoke his pieceand hot-footed it out of there.
Looks like he's home free.
Ha!
Submoronic fruitcake.
Colonel, permission to throwthat fruitcake a party.
The biggest, wildestwelcome home ever.
Permission granted.
The camp may neverbe the same, Colonel.
I'm counting on it.
Yoo-hoo! I'm home!
Howdy, stranger. New in town?
-Beej, is that you?
-How do you like it?
You think the red socks
are too much?
What are you doing?Where is everybody?
Waiting for their peace
delegate, of course.
If you'll follow me
What's withthe Red Skelton look?
What red? It's not red.
It's anti-green.
You wanted things
rosy and cheery,
so we're making you
a little present.
-[lounge jazz music playing]-In your honor,
we've designed
a new uniform,
right down to the hair.
-[laughing]
-He's back!
-[cheering]
-I do dream in color!
-[cheering continues]
Ah. Welcome home, son!
[laughing]
Congratulations.
What are you laughing at?
This is supposed
to cheer you up!
I love it! It's-- It's insane.
Exactly!
Good heavens!
Get the man a drink!
-I'll have the red wine.-Right.
Okay, I'll pour.
-[drunkenly] Pierce.
-Yes.
-Pierce.
-Yes.
-Pierce!
-Uh-huh.
Oh, there you are. Pierce,
I have never said thisabout anyone but myself.
You are a great human being.
Careful, Curly. You'll hateyourself in the morning.
-Oh, I do now.
-[laughing]
Margaret!
Welcome home,
you crazy galoot!
I did it! I told them all!
You should have seen me.I was terrific.
Hey, listen,about your divorce,
if there's anythingI can do to help--
Best thing that ever
happened to me.
The weight of the world
is off my shoulders.
I feel like a new woman!
It's all coming back--
the spirit,
the confidence.
Oh, that's great!That's fantastic.
That's just what Iwanted to hear.
I'm proud of you,Margaret.
Oh, my God,
I need a drink.
-Here you go, son.
-[laughing]
Boy, you made the boneheadplay of all time.
Ha ha! But you sure didsomething for this motley crew.
Hey, you know, folks,
I can't put my finger
on just who it is,
but somebody around here
looks out of place.
-CROWD: Ohh!
-Oh, wait!
You're not gonna
do that to me!
Wait! Wait a minute! Whoa!
There's no waiting.
I'll look like a tallIrish setter!
[laughs]
Any last words?
We who are about
to dye salute you!
[cheering]
Stop it right here, Corporal.
[distant cheering]
I'll be a few minutes.
You can use the latrineif you want.
Nah. I think I'll hold on.
Sounds like they'reall in there.
[guffawing] That's
the worst-looking
dye-job of the bunch.
What are you talking about?I look great.
-[laughing]
-Rhonda Fleming,
eat your heart out.
[laughter continues]
-What the hell
-Excuse me?
Why does everybodygot red hair?
Ohh. You noticed.
[chuckles]
It does sort of
stand out, doesn't it?
I'm looking fora Colonel Sherman Potter.
He's over there--
the one drinking
with both hands.
Colonel Potter,I'm Major Dean Goss, I-Corps.
Colonel Sherman Potter!
Who are you?
My name is Goss, I-Corps.
I'm here from Panmunjomto see your Captain Pierce.
Oh, you are?
I assume this
has something to do
with the earlier incident
that took place up there
today, uh, earlier.
Yes, it does. Now whereis your Captain Pierce?
Yeah, he's the one
with the red hair.
What are you gonna
do with him?
He's innocent, and you'renot taking him no place.
-Margaret.
-You stay out of this
and shut up.
-[chatter]-Come on, people. Settle down.
-Look, Major, let me explain--
-Quiet, Pierce.
At least let meexplain what I had--
Stand back, son.
You're probablyin enough hot water already.
Major, I'll grant you
his going up
to the peace talks
wasn't the brightest
thing to do,
but it had some damn goodresults back here.
B.J.:
You tell him, Colonel.
All of these peoplehave been in this thing
for a long, long time.
Doing the kind of workthey do
day after daywith no end in sight,
it has to get to them.
What Pierce did todaywas let a few people know
we're tiredand we want to go home.
-That's right.-It was a shot in the arm
for all of us.
-The defense rests.
-Yeah.
You people are
really something.
-We sure are.-Actually, Captain Pierce,
I didn't come here
to haul you away.
Why not? I mean, really?
I came here to deliver
a personal message
from General Tomlin.
My gastritis patient.
The general would like youto know, for the record,
that if he catches youwithin 20 miles of Panmunjom,
he will, and I quote,
"toss you into the stockadeand throw away the key."
Oh, yeah?
Now, off the record,
he wishes he were
a crazy doctor
so he could get away
with what you did.
One more thing.
The general would like youto write a diet he can follow
to get him through
these sessions.
The pressure's killing him.
The best thing I can prescribe
is a quick end to the war.
-Pierce.
-All right.
I'll have somethingfor you before you leave.
Fine. In the meantime,
it looks like you'rehaving a little party here.
Would you care
to join us?
Well, I don't know.
Do you think I fit in?
[laughter]
I don't believe it.
-Today I believe it!
-Take one of these.
That's great.Where'd you get that done?
[off-key music playing]
Take roll call,
Radar.
Sorry, sir. Ahem.
Colonel Potter, Sherman!
Radar, I'm here.
Ahem. Corporal O'Reilly,
Walter!
So are you!Get on with it!
Yes, sir.
Major Houlihan-Penobscott,
Margaret!
That's just Houlihan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, Major Winchester,
Charles, E.!
Here, obviously. Cretin.
Captain Pierce,
Benjamin F.!
Hey, Hawkeye?
Shh. You'll wake him.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Captain Hunnicutt, B.J.!
Yo! Oh-ho. Ohh.
Lieutenant Mulcahy,
Francis, Father!
In spirit only.
Corporal Klinger, Max!
Here. Always here.
-[helicopters whirring]-Corporal--Uh-oh.
All right, people.
Here comes the war.
[theme music playing]