M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 19 - Hot Lips Is Back in Town - full transcript
Margaret receives her final divorce decree after the latest Officers' Staff Meeting. The Colonel is preoccupied with problems in triage, especially speed issues. A cute, new nurse, Lt. Linda Nugent, steps out of a jeep and into Radar's heart. Margaret is out of sorts in OR, so BJ and Hawkeye plan to take her out to the O Club; they get snockered. Margaret has an epiphany and visits the CO's tent; sleepily, he tells her to do whatever she sees fit. Radar asks for love advice from Hawkeye and Chuckles; finally, he wins the day by being himself. The next morning, Margaret tells BJ, Hawkeye and Col. Potter her idea: her nurses will handle the triage, freeing all surgeons for the OR. Chuckles already offered to teach her nurses to diagnose and prioritize and General Lyle Weiskopf, Chief of Staff, is coming to 4077 in three days to observe. But, it becomes obvious the "two star pain in the ass," (as Potter calls him) is more interested in Margaret than her triage program. Weiskopf arrives and genuine wounded soldiers are not far behind. It is not the mock triage Margaret planned for days but she and her nurses perform beautifully. After a few minutes, the surgeons move into the OR, confident the nurses have the triage system licked. The nurses retire that night, tired but proud and happy; Margaret is over the moon. When Weiskopf offers her the rank of Lt. Colonel, she bubbles over about starting nurse-run triage units all across the Asian theatre. But Weiskopf thinks he is talking to the old Hotlips. Margaret tells him she is no pushover, not any more; and she issues an order to a general: Leave my tent. She toasts herself, "Here's to me." Margaret wants to rise on her own merit and now, she knows she will.
[theme music playing]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. Attention, all personnel.
The mess tent is
closed this afternoon
for the medical
staff meeting.
Unfortunately, it will reopen
for dinner at 1700 hours.
Meeting will come to order.Any old business?
-Yeah. Can I go home?
-Get behind Klinger.
All right. New business.
Any gripes,now's the time to squawk.
Thank you, Major.
I have your list.
Once again
I must protest
the almost criminal
lack of privacy
in this camp.
Can't we have
separate latrines
for every officer over
the rank of captain?
Yeah, and you and Margaretcan build it.
My turn. Triage.
There's too muchdiscussion out there.
Make up your minds,then act on it.
I do my part,
but nobody listens to me.
You, for instance.Don't take case histories.
Just diagnose your man,then move on.
Major Houlihan.
What did I do?
Margaret, put away
your paranoia.
The colonel is obviously
picking on everybody.
Tell your nursesnot to be shy
about hauling a litterif they have to.
Some of themare stronger than I am.
Can I have their names?
Mail call, sir.
Should Ileave it in my office,
or can I disturb you now?
-[chatter]
-Radar, later, later.
Yes, sir. I'll leavethis picture postcard
of your grandsonon your desk.
Uh, mail call,folks.
I move the meeting
be adjourned.
-Second.
-Third.
-Motion carries.
See you next year
in Atlantic City.
Wow! Look at thatlittle Corey.
What a moose.
Yeah. He weighs 56 pounds.
He's walkin' aroundlike crazy,
and he likes to catch bugsand eat 'em. [Laughs]
That's all I read, sir.And your daughtersends her love.
I'm divorced.
Huh?
It's official.
This is my finaldivorce decree.
I'm officially divorced.
Congratulations, Margaret.
Or condolences.
Whichever the case may be.
Margaret, it's what youwanted, isn't it?
B.J.: Margaret?
Yes, yes!
-I've been waiting for months.-[helicopters whirring]
Uh-oh. Choppers. Loaded.
All right, people. I gave youthe halftime pep talk.
Now go get 'em.
Sorry to spoilyour celebration, ma'am.
Miss Houlihan, you're on.
Yeah, yeah.
I just can't get over
this good news.
Right.
Come on, Winchester.
That's what Iwas talking about.
Get your rear in gear.
Colonel, I appreciate
your concern for speed,
but I always like to get
as complete a--
Let me put it this way:move!
You do have a way with words.
Get him into X-rayright away.
Ooh! Gee, I'm sorry!Excuse me.
Looks like I hit
the rush hour.
Yeah. Things are kind of bad'cause of the war, you know.
I'm Lieutenant Linda Nugent,your new nurse.
Just tell me what to doand where to go.
Oh, right. Major Houlihan!
She'll tell you where to go.She's good at that.
Major Houlihan, may I introduceyou to our new Nugent who's--
I mean, this is, uh,Lieutenant Nugent,our new nurse.
Stow your gear
and report to me
immediately.
Uh, I'm the company
clerk around here.
If there's anythingyou need, I'm the guyyou come and get it from.
Oh, thanks. It's alwaysnice to have a friend.
Oh, yeah. Well,it's always nice to be had.
Major Houlihan,
I have a bleeder here.
-Will you help me
stem the tide, please?
-Yes, doctor.
Get your rear
in gear, Margaret.
Isn't that how
it goes, Colonel?
I don't want your respect,Winchester, just your love.
More suction.
Hmph. We are treated
like chattel here.
Tote that barge.
Lift that gurney.
Speak your mind,
you need an attorney.
[laughing]
Why aren't you laughing,
Margaret?
More sponges here.
You're marvelous company
today, Margaret.
Relax, Charles.
She's got a bleeder
of her own.
And this is the O.R.,
which, of course, we useas an operating room.
This war is getting
very popular.
Every half hour,
another tour.
Radar, on your way out,
drop these by the
gift shop, will you?
These guyslove to kid ya.
All right, Corporal.I'll take over from here.
Uh... Uh,if you like, ma'am,
I can show herthe ropes myself.
But who's
going to show you?
He doesn't mean it.
Get out.
But she does.
Major, I've heard
a lot about the 4077th,
and I'm really proud
to be a part of it.
Just pay attention,and you'll catch onas we go along.
That divorce decree's got hernumb from the neck up.
Maybe we should invite her
over to the Swamp later
for a glass of antifreeze.
Nah. I think what she needsright now is people.
Let's take her someplace
where there's musicand noise and laughter.
Hey, think we can get intothe Copa dressed like this?
♪ [piano]
Coming here was
really a great idea.
I want to thank you guysfor helping me to forget.
Glad to help.
Forget what?
You know, my ex-husband,what's-his-name.
[both laughing]
Margaret, we justwant you to cheer up.
Yeah, let's get
happy here.
Father, can you play
something snappy?
How about
"Lullaby of Broadway?"
That's what I'm playing now.
That's okay, Father.
Any time you can get
around to it.
You know, I gotta tell you.
When I first lookedat those divorce papers,
it was like a part
of me had died.
And now, afterthe shock has worn off,
I realize I've gotmy whole life ahead of me!
Margaret,don't talk that way.
You've got your wholelife ahead of you.
Say, you gotta
take life by the tail
and... and... and yank it
until it squeals.
[squealing]
Father, could you
play something smooth?
It gets smootherin a minute.
-Radar!-Oh, hi. I just came in.
I wasn't just standing herestaring at you. Honest.
I'm trying to find
a song to dance to.
That guy at the piano
doesn't play very well.
Oh, that's Father Mulcahy.He's our chaplain.
He doesn't play so lousyonce you get to know him.
Do you dance, Radar?
Uh, no. Football knee.
You played football?
Well, not very much.I had a bad knee.
Um, Lieutenant,I was just wondering.
-If you're not---Nugent, there you are. Hi.
-Hi, Lieutenant.
-Well, how did you
like your first day?
I'll learn to love it
by the time I leave.
-I heard you're fromPennsylvania. Whereabouts?-Harrisburg.
-I'm from Beaver Falls.-No kidding?
Wow! We had a casualty
from Harrisburg once.
We're practically neighbors.
He was from Harrisburg,
Montana, however.
Come on. We got fudgegoing in our tent.
He had trench foot.
The first bull sessionstarts in two minutes.
-Oh, great.
-Touch and go there
for a while,
but, uh,
we pulled him through.
-Let's have another drink.-Hmm.
Sic transit,
Donald Penobscott.
The king is dead.
Long live the queen.
You bet.
[knock on door]
Colonel? Colonel Potter?
Radar, if it isn'tincoming wounded,
you better run and hide.
Radar, what are you--
Margaret. Margaret?
Colonel, I need
to talk to you.
Have you dropped
all your beans?
It's the middle of the night.
I know it's late, sir,
but I've just realized
something
that changes my whole
perspective on life!
Colonel, the army
is my career!
Ohh.
Colonel! Colonel!
I mean, I guess
I've always known it,
but I just couldn't see it
because I kept getting
lost in all those men:
Donald, and then before himFrank, and then before him--
-I remember. I remember.-And now I finally realize
that I don't need anybody elseto help me live my life.
I'm in control!
And I'm going as far
in this man's army
as any woman can go.
Maybe even general!
With the general's permission,
I'd like to geta little sleep, ma'am.
So, for starters,
I've got a few ideas
about how we can improve
things around here.
Efficiency-wise, I mean.
Whatever you want,you got it.
-Really?
-Good night.
Oh, thank you, Colonel!
[yelps, grunts]
[knocking]
Morning.I brought you some coffee.
Pour it in me or over me.I won't know the difference.
Oh, that water's loud.
I knew you'd need it.
-I made it black.
-Uh-huh.
-And kept it hot.
-Huh.
-Kept it hot and black.-Uh-huh.
Oh, that's good.
If you came to watch, I'll
be drying my knees next.
You'll want to
stick around for that.
No, no.
I came in to ask you,uh, well...
I figured with your experience,you know, that, uh, I...
If anybody would know,you'd know.
Radar, what is it
you're trying not to say?
I came to ask youa question about, uh, women.
Oh. Get under a cold shower,and I'll tell you.
No, it's nothing like that.
How could you even think thatabout Lieutenant Nugent?
Oh, Lieutenant Nugent.
-Oh. Nice girl.
-Yeah.
I'd say more,
but you might hit me.
Hawkeye, she doesn'teven know I'm alive.
But I sure know she is.
You know, I make excusesjust to be with her.
I even stole a lightbulbfrom her tent
so she'd need oneand I could bring it to her.
What a rogue.
Radar, what you've got
to do is calm down.
You're all aquiver.
What do you mean? I'm calm.
Let her put in
her own lightbulb.
I can't, Hawkeye. She's aboutthe swellest girl I ever saw.
Radar...
can I be glib with you?
I think so.
Sometimes
women are like bread.
You gotta leave 'em aloneto get a rise out of them.
Wow. You sure about that?
Take it from an old
pastry cook.
You gotta relax.
Give her a chance
to notice you.
You really thinkthat would work?
If it does, let me
know. I'll try it.
Thanks a lot.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Colonel. Good morning, sir.
Regarding what we talked aboutlast night in your tent, sir.
-Oh?
-About your future?
-Uh-oh.
-Cork it, Pierce.
Well, I'm preparing
a rigorous training program
for my nurses to enable themto handle all of triage,
freeing the doctors for O.R.
Nurses taking over triage?
Some of those diagnosescan get pretty involved.
Major Winchester
has kindly
volunteered his services
to instruct them.
-Oh, swell.
-They're all gonna
talk like him.
Might not be
a bad idea, Margaret.
In a couple of months,
we could have the crackstaff of the Far East.
We might eventake the pennant.
I was thinking
in terms of days,
not months, sir,
especially since Lyle
is coming on Saturday.
-Lyle?
-Saturday?
General Lyle Weiskopf,
-Chief of Staff of--
-I know who he is.
He's flying here at my requestto review our new program.
You invited a major general
without my permission?
Especially that two-star
pain in the butt?
We can't train nursesin three days.
Believe me, I've tried.
Can't you see this isgonna be good for all of us?
-Especially one of us.-What's wrong with that?
I'm anxious to start
my new life.
If that's all you want,I'll turn you upside down
and spank you on the fanny.
Look, Major, I'm glad
you found something
to clear up
your divorce blues,
but how could you pull
such a bonehead play?
The last thing we need aroundhere is a snooping general.
When he gets here, he can
snoop all he wants.
We're gonna be ready.
I promise.
Absolutely not.
I won't permit it.
It's too late.
He's already accepted.
It's gonna be
a real fun weekend.
"Triage" is a French wordfrom the verb trier,
meaning to sift or separate.
There are three priorities:
those who need care at oncein order to be saved,
those who can wait,
and those who-- [chuckle]--are beyond hope.
They knowwhat triage is, Major.
If you wish to heckle,
Major Houlihan,
please go to a nightclub.
Just get on with it,will you?
Here we have a head injury.
A Lilly Dache head injury.
The patient is obviouslydelirious,
indicating a possible
subdural hematoma.
-Priority?
-First, right?
I did not ask the patient.
Priority... first.
See? I knew I was right.
Next.
From the patient'srigid condition,
we might assume that he isin an advanced state of shock.
However, there isno apparent injury.
He merely complains thathis left shoulder hurts.
Uh, yeah, my left
shoulder hurts.
We are puzzled by this.
On further examination,
we observe a purple areaover the left quadrant upper.
Blunt trauma.
Possible ruptured spleen.
Moral: never be fooled.
Now, over herewe have a chest case.
Hi, Radar.How ya doing?
-[whistling]
-Radar?
Oh, hi. Oh, gee, I'm sorry.I didn't notice you.
I'm just very relaxed.
Oh, you're supposedto be unconscious.
No, I'm not unconscious.
I'm just very calm.
Radar, are you madat me or something?
No. No, I'm not mad at you.
Why would you think I was--
Geez, now I'm getting nervous.
Radar, maybe I justbetter leave you alone.
Oh, no! No, you don't have to.I'm not nervous nervous.
I'm just sort of a relaxed
state of nervous. Gee!
Atten-hut!Prepare for inspection!
Ladies and gentlemen,
General Lyle Dumbkopf.
Thank you, Cato.Where are the girls?
-Where are the girls?
-You want girls?
You want girls?
You, suck in that gut!
Throw out that chest!
-You stay just the way you are!-[shrieks]
-Get away from me!-Let's have a major skirmish.
Play this comic opera
elsewhere.
Comic opera?
We are busy here.
Shall I have him shot,mon general?
Shooting is too good for him.Lock him in the kitchen.
That's it. Get out.Get out of here!
Cato, sound retreat.
Out!
I shall not return.
-[shouting]
-Come on! Out!
Can we just get on with it?
Sir, are you busy?
I'm never too busy
for rude interruptions.
-What is it?
-Uh, yeah.
I got somethingon my mind.
-And you'd like it removed?-Huh?
Get on with it.
Um, what I wantedto ask is, uh...
well, if you wantedto impress this girl
that you're reallyimpressed with,
what would you do then?
Gee, that certainly isa challenging question,
but isn't Pierce handling
that particular phase ofyour interminable childhood?
Look, sir, if you don't wantto help me, just say so.
I just come in here
'cause I know you know a lotof fancy words and stuff.
You know, like "ettiquit."
"Ettiquit."
[Clicks tongue]
Yes, I see. Ahem.
Well,
if there were a girl
whose interest
I wanted to capture,
first I would find outwhat that interest was.
Then I would proceed
to dazzle her
with my expertise.
Suppose she had a penchant
for Shakespeare.
In that event, I would take
her into a moonlit garden--
say, the empty minefield
behind O. R--
and whisper in her
shell-like ear
"But soft, what light throughyonder window breaks.
It is the east,
and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun,
and kill the envious moon!"
That is what I would do.
I have not the slightest
idea what you will do.
All right. Come on.
Come on!
General Weiskopf will
be here in two hours,
and I want perfection.
-MEN: [groaning]
-Or better!
Excuse me, Major.
But, speaking on behalf ofthe more seriously wounded,
they'd liketo stretch their legs
and use the, uh, facilities.
All right, all right.
Just keep it organized.
The most urgent cases
go first.
Bless you, Major.
Oh, Lyle! He's notsupposed to be here yet!
-General, welcome
to the 4077th.
-Atten-hut!
Impressive, Major,
impressive.
Oh, please,
have the wounded
remain as they were.
No, they're not wounded, sir.
They're demonstrators
for the mock triage.
Triage, eh? Of course.
At ease, everybody. At ease.
Margaret, it's very niceto see you again.
You, too, Lyle.
This program is
so important to me.
I can't thank you
enough for coming.
I can't thank you
enough for asking.
-Thank you.
-No, thank you.
General Weiskopf.
-Good to see you again, sir.-Uh-huh.
You got some big potholes
in the road back there.
Real kidney punchers.
Hope you get 'em filled in
by the time I leave.
And when will thatbe, General?
I don't know.
There's a lot
to see here.
Major, why don't
you brief me
-on this new plan of yours?-Yes, sir.
Sherman, I'd like to go overyour table of organization.
Things seem to bea little loose around here.
Ah! General, catch!
-Oh, Klinger!
-I see. Uh--
Who or what is that?
Just the guy who fills inthe potholes, General.
Hi, Lieutenant.
Are you busy?
Very. The general's here,
and I've got to get this placeorganized for Major Houlihan.
Right. You like rabbits?
Radar, please,I have to finish.
-Do I like what?
-Rabbits.
I just thought
it was something
you might be interested in.
You know, for instance,
rabbits never swallow
what they chew right away.
They wait and hold it
until it's mush in their
cheeks for a while.
-No kidding?
-Yeah.
You know why they
wiggle their noses?
To shoo away pests.
No, but that's
a good answer.
Radar, please,I have to finish.
Oh. You're right. Well,
maybe we could meet later
and you could tell me some
stuff that you thought up.
-Radar, please! -Attention, all personnel.
Incoming choppers.
This is not a drill.
It's the real thing, folks.
I'm sorry. I don't have
time to talk right now.
Lacerated femoral.
Start him on plasma.
Get him right into O.R.Always make sure
you get that dressing
nice and tight again.
All right, Kellye,
what've you got?
Compound fractured femur.
I've ordered blood.He can wait.
Good diagnosis, Kellye.
Oh, doctor!
Yeah, I'm all yours.
A probable pneumothorax,but I can't be sure.
That's what he's got.
Good work, Doc.
Corpsman, pneumothorax,first priority.
Keep it moving.
I've checked
the nurses' diagnoses.
They can handle it. Let's
get inside and scrub.
Potter, it's a hell ofa nursing staff you got here.
-I'm impressed.
-You should be.
Major, good work.
Thank you, sir.
There's more wounded here!
Let's get to them!
Boy, I'm beat.
Would've been longer if wehadn't helped out in triage.
-We were great, weren't we?-Yeah.
-[knocking on door]
-Come on in.
-Hi, Radar!
-Hi.
Lieutenant Baker,
I would like
to speak to Lieutenant
Nugent alone.
And I won't take no
for an answer.
Unless you want
to pull rank on me,
in which case I'll justwait outside here, Linda,
even though you're
both lieutenants,
and I won't go away, either.
Well, Corporal Hellcat.
I'll be outside
if you need me.
That goes for you too.
Well, we're officiallyalone, Radar.
Right. Ahem. Listen, uh,
you probablyhaven't noticed or anything,
but, uh, I've been tryinglike heck for you to like me.
I've tried everything I knowand all that other stuff,
and I'm-- I'm tired of trying,
so I want to get
one thing straight.
Do you want to go
out with me or not?
Yes.
Fine. Then we'll
just forget it.
If I'm not good enough
for you-- You do?
I said yes.
-You did?
-Yes.
Well, how come you
didn't say so before?
You never asked before.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I was always too busy
thinking up stuff to say,
you know, to impress you.
Radar, you don'thave to impress me.
I think you're nicewhen you're unimpressive.
Gee, thanks.
Wow!
That's about the swellest thinganybody ever said to me.
Oh, Lyle, I was so proud
of my nurses today.
I was proud of you.
You know, it all flowsdown from the top,
just like this12-year-old scotch.
They did everything
so beautifully.
Here's a toast to you,Margaret,
and your wonderful staff.
-Now, let's talk about you.-Oh, no.
We've talked
enough about me.
And your future.
What about me?
I have an openingon my nursing staff in Tokyo
for a lieutenant colonel.
But I'm only a major.
Here you're a major,but in Japan--
We could do wonderful
things together.
We sure could.
A triage program for allthe nursing units in Korea.
-If we have time.
-Oh, Lyle!
First the divorce,
and now this. I--
It's like a wonderful doorhas been opened up on my life.
The door was always open,Margaret.
All you had to do was walk in.It'll be like old times.
Romantic suppersat the Officers' Mess
and cool night strollsthrough the cherry blossoms.
Then, up to my billetfor a nightcap and a game
of escaped convictand the warden's wife.
Is that what this promotiontalk is all about?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.The promotion's legit.
I'll make you a colonel.
A colonel in charge
of what, your boudoir?
I'm a head nurse
and a damn good one!
What do you think that
demonstration out there
was all about, anyway?
At ease, Major.
You know how the gameis played.
You rub my back,and I'll rub yours.
I'll rub my own back,
thank you.
How dare you assume
such a thing!
Oh, come on, Margaret.I know you better than that.
You have the talent.I have the clout.
Let's get togetherand have a few laughs.
You haven't been
listening to me, General.
I'm not a pushover
anymore.
Get yourself
another clay pigeon.
You're gonna hate yourselfin the morning.
Get out of my tent,
General.
Are you sure?
Out! And that's an order!
Okay...Major.
Here's to me.
♪ [soft jazz]
[no audible dialogue]
[whooping, wolf whistles]
So, Radar, you wanna dance?
Uh, no, I don't think
I'd better.
You know, my bad knee.
Radar, I'm a nurse.
If anything happens,I can take care of you.
Well, yeah. I guess in thatcase, I can take a chance.
-Ready?-Uh, yeah, for anything.
Why is everyonewatching us?
Oh, are they?
Well, I guess it's, uh,'cause I come in here
with a lot of girls,you know,
and they always liketo see who I'm with.
Radar, not again.
Or maybe it's just'cause I'm here
with the prettiestgirl in camp.
♪ ["Blue Moon"]
[no audible dialogue]
[theme music playing]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. Attention, all personnel.
The mess tent is
closed this afternoon
for the medical
staff meeting.
Unfortunately, it will reopen
for dinner at 1700 hours.
Meeting will come to order.Any old business?
-Yeah. Can I go home?
-Get behind Klinger.
All right. New business.
Any gripes,now's the time to squawk.
Thank you, Major.
I have your list.
Once again
I must protest
the almost criminal
lack of privacy
in this camp.
Can't we have
separate latrines
for every officer over
the rank of captain?
Yeah, and you and Margaretcan build it.
My turn. Triage.
There's too muchdiscussion out there.
Make up your minds,then act on it.
I do my part,
but nobody listens to me.
You, for instance.Don't take case histories.
Just diagnose your man,then move on.
Major Houlihan.
What did I do?
Margaret, put away
your paranoia.
The colonel is obviously
picking on everybody.
Tell your nursesnot to be shy
about hauling a litterif they have to.
Some of themare stronger than I am.
Can I have their names?
Mail call, sir.
Should Ileave it in my office,
or can I disturb you now?
-[chatter]
-Radar, later, later.
Yes, sir. I'll leavethis picture postcard
of your grandsonon your desk.
Uh, mail call,folks.
I move the meeting
be adjourned.
-Second.
-Third.
-Motion carries.
See you next year
in Atlantic City.
Wow! Look at thatlittle Corey.
What a moose.
Yeah. He weighs 56 pounds.
He's walkin' aroundlike crazy,
and he likes to catch bugsand eat 'em. [Laughs]
That's all I read, sir.And your daughtersends her love.
I'm divorced.
Huh?
It's official.
This is my finaldivorce decree.
I'm officially divorced.
Congratulations, Margaret.
Or condolences.
Whichever the case may be.
Margaret, it's what youwanted, isn't it?
B.J.: Margaret?
Yes, yes!
-I've been waiting for months.-[helicopters whirring]
Uh-oh. Choppers. Loaded.
All right, people. I gave youthe halftime pep talk.
Now go get 'em.
Sorry to spoilyour celebration, ma'am.
Miss Houlihan, you're on.
Yeah, yeah.
I just can't get over
this good news.
Right.
Come on, Winchester.
That's what Iwas talking about.
Get your rear in gear.
Colonel, I appreciate
your concern for speed,
but I always like to get
as complete a--
Let me put it this way:move!
You do have a way with words.
Get him into X-rayright away.
Ooh! Gee, I'm sorry!Excuse me.
Looks like I hit
the rush hour.
Yeah. Things are kind of bad'cause of the war, you know.
I'm Lieutenant Linda Nugent,your new nurse.
Just tell me what to doand where to go.
Oh, right. Major Houlihan!
She'll tell you where to go.She's good at that.
Major Houlihan, may I introduceyou to our new Nugent who's--
I mean, this is, uh,Lieutenant Nugent,our new nurse.
Stow your gear
and report to me
immediately.
Uh, I'm the company
clerk around here.
If there's anythingyou need, I'm the guyyou come and get it from.
Oh, thanks. It's alwaysnice to have a friend.
Oh, yeah. Well,it's always nice to be had.
Major Houlihan,
I have a bleeder here.
-Will you help me
stem the tide, please?
-Yes, doctor.
Get your rear
in gear, Margaret.
Isn't that how
it goes, Colonel?
I don't want your respect,Winchester, just your love.
More suction.
Hmph. We are treated
like chattel here.
Tote that barge.
Lift that gurney.
Speak your mind,
you need an attorney.
[laughing]
Why aren't you laughing,
Margaret?
More sponges here.
You're marvelous company
today, Margaret.
Relax, Charles.
She's got a bleeder
of her own.
And this is the O.R.,
which, of course, we useas an operating room.
This war is getting
very popular.
Every half hour,
another tour.
Radar, on your way out,
drop these by the
gift shop, will you?
These guyslove to kid ya.
All right, Corporal.I'll take over from here.
Uh... Uh,if you like, ma'am,
I can show herthe ropes myself.
But who's
going to show you?
He doesn't mean it.
Get out.
But she does.
Major, I've heard
a lot about the 4077th,
and I'm really proud
to be a part of it.
Just pay attention,and you'll catch onas we go along.
That divorce decree's got hernumb from the neck up.
Maybe we should invite her
over to the Swamp later
for a glass of antifreeze.
Nah. I think what she needsright now is people.
Let's take her someplace
where there's musicand noise and laughter.
Hey, think we can get intothe Copa dressed like this?
♪ [piano]
Coming here was
really a great idea.
I want to thank you guysfor helping me to forget.
Glad to help.
Forget what?
You know, my ex-husband,what's-his-name.
[both laughing]
Margaret, we justwant you to cheer up.
Yeah, let's get
happy here.
Father, can you play
something snappy?
How about
"Lullaby of Broadway?"
That's what I'm playing now.
That's okay, Father.
Any time you can get
around to it.
You know, I gotta tell you.
When I first lookedat those divorce papers,
it was like a part
of me had died.
And now, afterthe shock has worn off,
I realize I've gotmy whole life ahead of me!
Margaret,don't talk that way.
You've got your wholelife ahead of you.
Say, you gotta
take life by the tail
and... and... and yank it
until it squeals.
[squealing]
Father, could you
play something smooth?
It gets smootherin a minute.
-Radar!-Oh, hi. I just came in.
I wasn't just standing herestaring at you. Honest.
I'm trying to find
a song to dance to.
That guy at the piano
doesn't play very well.
Oh, that's Father Mulcahy.He's our chaplain.
He doesn't play so lousyonce you get to know him.
Do you dance, Radar?
Uh, no. Football knee.
You played football?
Well, not very much.I had a bad knee.
Um, Lieutenant,I was just wondering.
-If you're not---Nugent, there you are. Hi.
-Hi, Lieutenant.
-Well, how did you
like your first day?
I'll learn to love it
by the time I leave.
-I heard you're fromPennsylvania. Whereabouts?-Harrisburg.
-I'm from Beaver Falls.-No kidding?
Wow! We had a casualty
from Harrisburg once.
We're practically neighbors.
He was from Harrisburg,
Montana, however.
Come on. We got fudgegoing in our tent.
He had trench foot.
The first bull sessionstarts in two minutes.
-Oh, great.
-Touch and go there
for a while,
but, uh,
we pulled him through.
-Let's have another drink.-Hmm.
Sic transit,
Donald Penobscott.
The king is dead.
Long live the queen.
You bet.
[knock on door]
Colonel? Colonel Potter?
Radar, if it isn'tincoming wounded,
you better run and hide.
Radar, what are you--
Margaret. Margaret?
Colonel, I need
to talk to you.
Have you dropped
all your beans?
It's the middle of the night.
I know it's late, sir,
but I've just realized
something
that changes my whole
perspective on life!
Colonel, the army
is my career!
Ohh.
Colonel! Colonel!
I mean, I guess
I've always known it,
but I just couldn't see it
because I kept getting
lost in all those men:
Donald, and then before himFrank, and then before him--
-I remember. I remember.-And now I finally realize
that I don't need anybody elseto help me live my life.
I'm in control!
And I'm going as far
in this man's army
as any woman can go.
Maybe even general!
With the general's permission,
I'd like to geta little sleep, ma'am.
So, for starters,
I've got a few ideas
about how we can improve
things around here.
Efficiency-wise, I mean.
Whatever you want,you got it.
-Really?
-Good night.
Oh, thank you, Colonel!
[yelps, grunts]
[knocking]
Morning.I brought you some coffee.
Pour it in me or over me.I won't know the difference.
Oh, that water's loud.
I knew you'd need it.
-I made it black.
-Uh-huh.
-And kept it hot.
-Huh.
-Kept it hot and black.-Uh-huh.
Oh, that's good.
If you came to watch, I'll
be drying my knees next.
You'll want to
stick around for that.
No, no.
I came in to ask you,uh, well...
I figured with your experience,you know, that, uh, I...
If anybody would know,you'd know.
Radar, what is it
you're trying not to say?
I came to ask youa question about, uh, women.
Oh. Get under a cold shower,and I'll tell you.
No, it's nothing like that.
How could you even think thatabout Lieutenant Nugent?
Oh, Lieutenant Nugent.
-Oh. Nice girl.
-Yeah.
I'd say more,
but you might hit me.
Hawkeye, she doesn'teven know I'm alive.
But I sure know she is.
You know, I make excusesjust to be with her.
I even stole a lightbulbfrom her tent
so she'd need oneand I could bring it to her.
What a rogue.
Radar, what you've got
to do is calm down.
You're all aquiver.
What do you mean? I'm calm.
Let her put in
her own lightbulb.
I can't, Hawkeye. She's aboutthe swellest girl I ever saw.
Radar...
can I be glib with you?
I think so.
Sometimes
women are like bread.
You gotta leave 'em aloneto get a rise out of them.
Wow. You sure about that?
Take it from an old
pastry cook.
You gotta relax.
Give her a chance
to notice you.
You really thinkthat would work?
If it does, let me
know. I'll try it.
Thanks a lot.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Colonel. Good morning, sir.
Regarding what we talked aboutlast night in your tent, sir.
-Oh?
-About your future?
-Uh-oh.
-Cork it, Pierce.
Well, I'm preparing
a rigorous training program
for my nurses to enable themto handle all of triage,
freeing the doctors for O.R.
Nurses taking over triage?
Some of those diagnosescan get pretty involved.
Major Winchester
has kindly
volunteered his services
to instruct them.
-Oh, swell.
-They're all gonna
talk like him.
Might not be
a bad idea, Margaret.
In a couple of months,
we could have the crackstaff of the Far East.
We might eventake the pennant.
I was thinking
in terms of days,
not months, sir,
especially since Lyle
is coming on Saturday.
-Lyle?
-Saturday?
General Lyle Weiskopf,
-Chief of Staff of--
-I know who he is.
He's flying here at my requestto review our new program.
You invited a major general
without my permission?
Especially that two-star
pain in the butt?
We can't train nursesin three days.
Believe me, I've tried.
Can't you see this isgonna be good for all of us?
-Especially one of us.-What's wrong with that?
I'm anxious to start
my new life.
If that's all you want,I'll turn you upside down
and spank you on the fanny.
Look, Major, I'm glad
you found something
to clear up
your divorce blues,
but how could you pull
such a bonehead play?
The last thing we need aroundhere is a snooping general.
When he gets here, he can
snoop all he wants.
We're gonna be ready.
I promise.
Absolutely not.
I won't permit it.
It's too late.
He's already accepted.
It's gonna be
a real fun weekend.
"Triage" is a French wordfrom the verb trier,
meaning to sift or separate.
There are three priorities:
those who need care at oncein order to be saved,
those who can wait,
and those who-- [chuckle]--are beyond hope.
They knowwhat triage is, Major.
If you wish to heckle,
Major Houlihan,
please go to a nightclub.
Just get on with it,will you?
Here we have a head injury.
A Lilly Dache head injury.
The patient is obviouslydelirious,
indicating a possible
subdural hematoma.
-Priority?
-First, right?
I did not ask the patient.
Priority... first.
See? I knew I was right.
Next.
From the patient'srigid condition,
we might assume that he isin an advanced state of shock.
However, there isno apparent injury.
He merely complains thathis left shoulder hurts.
Uh, yeah, my left
shoulder hurts.
We are puzzled by this.
On further examination,
we observe a purple areaover the left quadrant upper.
Blunt trauma.
Possible ruptured spleen.
Moral: never be fooled.
Now, over herewe have a chest case.
Hi, Radar.How ya doing?
-[whistling]
-Radar?
Oh, hi. Oh, gee, I'm sorry.I didn't notice you.
I'm just very relaxed.
Oh, you're supposedto be unconscious.
No, I'm not unconscious.
I'm just very calm.
Radar, are you madat me or something?
No. No, I'm not mad at you.
Why would you think I was--
Geez, now I'm getting nervous.
Radar, maybe I justbetter leave you alone.
Oh, no! No, you don't have to.I'm not nervous nervous.
I'm just sort of a relaxed
state of nervous. Gee!
Atten-hut!Prepare for inspection!
Ladies and gentlemen,
General Lyle Dumbkopf.
Thank you, Cato.Where are the girls?
-Where are the girls?
-You want girls?
You want girls?
You, suck in that gut!
Throw out that chest!
-You stay just the way you are!-[shrieks]
-Get away from me!-Let's have a major skirmish.
Play this comic opera
elsewhere.
Comic opera?
We are busy here.
Shall I have him shot,mon general?
Shooting is too good for him.Lock him in the kitchen.
That's it. Get out.Get out of here!
Cato, sound retreat.
Out!
I shall not return.
-[shouting]
-Come on! Out!
Can we just get on with it?
Sir, are you busy?
I'm never too busy
for rude interruptions.
-What is it?
-Uh, yeah.
I got somethingon my mind.
-And you'd like it removed?-Huh?
Get on with it.
Um, what I wantedto ask is, uh...
well, if you wantedto impress this girl
that you're reallyimpressed with,
what would you do then?
Gee, that certainly isa challenging question,
but isn't Pierce handling
that particular phase ofyour interminable childhood?
Look, sir, if you don't wantto help me, just say so.
I just come in here
'cause I know you know a lotof fancy words and stuff.
You know, like "ettiquit."
"Ettiquit."
[Clicks tongue]
Yes, I see. Ahem.
Well,
if there were a girl
whose interest
I wanted to capture,
first I would find outwhat that interest was.
Then I would proceed
to dazzle her
with my expertise.
Suppose she had a penchant
for Shakespeare.
In that event, I would take
her into a moonlit garden--
say, the empty minefield
behind O. R--
and whisper in her
shell-like ear
"But soft, what light throughyonder window breaks.
It is the east,
and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun,
and kill the envious moon!"
That is what I would do.
I have not the slightest
idea what you will do.
All right. Come on.
Come on!
General Weiskopf will
be here in two hours,
and I want perfection.
-MEN: [groaning]
-Or better!
Excuse me, Major.
But, speaking on behalf ofthe more seriously wounded,
they'd liketo stretch their legs
and use the, uh, facilities.
All right, all right.
Just keep it organized.
The most urgent cases
go first.
Bless you, Major.
Oh, Lyle! He's notsupposed to be here yet!
-General, welcome
to the 4077th.
-Atten-hut!
Impressive, Major,
impressive.
Oh, please,
have the wounded
remain as they were.
No, they're not wounded, sir.
They're demonstrators
for the mock triage.
Triage, eh? Of course.
At ease, everybody. At ease.
Margaret, it's very niceto see you again.
You, too, Lyle.
This program is
so important to me.
I can't thank you
enough for coming.
I can't thank you
enough for asking.
-Thank you.
-No, thank you.
General Weiskopf.
-Good to see you again, sir.-Uh-huh.
You got some big potholes
in the road back there.
Real kidney punchers.
Hope you get 'em filled in
by the time I leave.
And when will thatbe, General?
I don't know.
There's a lot
to see here.
Major, why don't
you brief me
-on this new plan of yours?-Yes, sir.
Sherman, I'd like to go overyour table of organization.
Things seem to bea little loose around here.
Ah! General, catch!
-Oh, Klinger!
-I see. Uh--
Who or what is that?
Just the guy who fills inthe potholes, General.
Hi, Lieutenant.
Are you busy?
Very. The general's here,
and I've got to get this placeorganized for Major Houlihan.
Right. You like rabbits?
Radar, please,I have to finish.
-Do I like what?
-Rabbits.
I just thought
it was something
you might be interested in.
You know, for instance,
rabbits never swallow
what they chew right away.
They wait and hold it
until it's mush in their
cheeks for a while.
-No kidding?
-Yeah.
You know why they
wiggle their noses?
To shoo away pests.
No, but that's
a good answer.
Radar, please,I have to finish.
Oh. You're right. Well,
maybe we could meet later
and you could tell me some
stuff that you thought up.
-Radar, please! -Attention, all personnel.
Incoming choppers.
This is not a drill.
It's the real thing, folks.
I'm sorry. I don't have
time to talk right now.
Lacerated femoral.
Start him on plasma.
Get him right into O.R.Always make sure
you get that dressing
nice and tight again.
All right, Kellye,
what've you got?
Compound fractured femur.
I've ordered blood.He can wait.
Good diagnosis, Kellye.
Oh, doctor!
Yeah, I'm all yours.
A probable pneumothorax,but I can't be sure.
That's what he's got.
Good work, Doc.
Corpsman, pneumothorax,first priority.
Keep it moving.
I've checked
the nurses' diagnoses.
They can handle it. Let's
get inside and scrub.
Potter, it's a hell ofa nursing staff you got here.
-I'm impressed.
-You should be.
Major, good work.
Thank you, sir.
There's more wounded here!
Let's get to them!
Boy, I'm beat.
Would've been longer if wehadn't helped out in triage.
-We were great, weren't we?-Yeah.
-[knocking on door]
-Come on in.
-Hi, Radar!
-Hi.
Lieutenant Baker,
I would like
to speak to Lieutenant
Nugent alone.
And I won't take no
for an answer.
Unless you want
to pull rank on me,
in which case I'll justwait outside here, Linda,
even though you're
both lieutenants,
and I won't go away, either.
Well, Corporal Hellcat.
I'll be outside
if you need me.
That goes for you too.
Well, we're officiallyalone, Radar.
Right. Ahem. Listen, uh,
you probablyhaven't noticed or anything,
but, uh, I've been tryinglike heck for you to like me.
I've tried everything I knowand all that other stuff,
and I'm-- I'm tired of trying,
so I want to get
one thing straight.
Do you want to go
out with me or not?
Yes.
Fine. Then we'll
just forget it.
If I'm not good enough
for you-- You do?
I said yes.
-You did?
-Yes.
Well, how come you
didn't say so before?
You never asked before.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I was always too busy
thinking up stuff to say,
you know, to impress you.
Radar, you don'thave to impress me.
I think you're nicewhen you're unimpressive.
Gee, thanks.
Wow!
That's about the swellest thinganybody ever said to me.
Oh, Lyle, I was so proud
of my nurses today.
I was proud of you.
You know, it all flowsdown from the top,
just like this12-year-old scotch.
They did everything
so beautifully.
Here's a toast to you,Margaret,
and your wonderful staff.
-Now, let's talk about you.-Oh, no.
We've talked
enough about me.
And your future.
What about me?
I have an openingon my nursing staff in Tokyo
for a lieutenant colonel.
But I'm only a major.
Here you're a major,but in Japan--
We could do wonderful
things together.
We sure could.
A triage program for allthe nursing units in Korea.
-If we have time.
-Oh, Lyle!
First the divorce,
and now this. I--
It's like a wonderful doorhas been opened up on my life.
The door was always open,Margaret.
All you had to do was walk in.It'll be like old times.
Romantic suppersat the Officers' Mess
and cool night strollsthrough the cherry blossoms.
Then, up to my billetfor a nightcap and a game
of escaped convictand the warden's wife.
Is that what this promotiontalk is all about?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.The promotion's legit.
I'll make you a colonel.
A colonel in charge
of what, your boudoir?
I'm a head nurse
and a damn good one!
What do you think that
demonstration out there
was all about, anyway?
At ease, Major.
You know how the gameis played.
You rub my back,and I'll rub yours.
I'll rub my own back,
thank you.
How dare you assume
such a thing!
Oh, come on, Margaret.I know you better than that.
You have the talent.I have the clout.
Let's get togetherand have a few laughs.
You haven't been
listening to me, General.
I'm not a pushover
anymore.
Get yourself
another clay pigeon.
You're gonna hate yourselfin the morning.
Get out of my tent,
General.
Are you sure?
Out! And that's an order!
Okay...Major.
Here's to me.
♪ [soft jazz]
[no audible dialogue]
[whooping, wolf whistles]
So, Radar, you wanna dance?
Uh, no, I don't think
I'd better.
You know, my bad knee.
Radar, I'm a nurse.
If anything happens,I can take care of you.
Well, yeah. I guess in thatcase, I can take a chance.
-Ready?-Uh, yeah, for anything.
Why is everyonewatching us?
Oh, are they?
Well, I guess it's, uh,'cause I come in here
with a lot of girls,you know,
and they always liketo see who I'm with.
Radar, not again.
Or maybe it's just'cause I'm here
with the prettiestgirl in camp.
♪ ["Blue Moon"]
[no audible dialogue]
[theme music playing]