M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 18 - The Young and the Restless - full transcript

[theme music playing]

Pierce. Pierce.

Please,
five more minutes, honey.

That's Colonel Honey.

How long have you beensittin' here, son?

I don't know.
Who's president?

I know how beat you are...

but you'll feel better

as soon as you slip into somehot coffee and a cold shower.

No, Colonel, you're
supposed to be telling
me to get some sleep.

Sorry. There's a lecturethis morning.



I'll give you two bucks
to take notes for me.

You'll want to be therefor two reasons.

First, this is gonna show usa new heart technique...

and second,it'd be a nice gesture

to your commanding officer,

who could make your lifeso miserable if he wanted to.

Colonel, I haven't rubbed
the sleep out of my eyes
for weeks.

The sandman is threatening
to drop me from his route.

You know I'm notthat big on attendance,

but this guy'sa bundle of information.

I'll wait till they bring himout in paperback.

Next week,when that proctologistcomes with his slide show,

you're excused.

It's standing room only
for that one.



-[grunts]
-Uh, Colonel...

I'm not really
an expert on this,
but when you walk,

shouldn't one leg go upwhile the other one goes down?

Be in my office at 10,and mind your own business.

-Oh, the phlebitis again?-No.

If it's acting up,
why don't you lie down
and take it easy?

Because it's superficial.

And this whole place willfall apart without me.

Ah, the indispensable man.

Look, blood clots can beaggravating, particularlyif they're yours.

Do you mind? I've alreadyseen the doctor... me.

And I'm fine. Ow!

This looks like an aerial
view of the Okefenokee.

Don't eat itwith your fingers.

There's liable to bean alligator in it.

[clank]

If anybody needs me,I'll be in my applesauce.

This is ludicrous.

Oh, that's what it is.

No, I was referring
to the impending lecture.

Some doddering quack
from Tokyo General

whose brains are nestled
in his derriere

is going to deliver yetanother verbal sedative

interrupted only by
his failing memory.

And good morning to you.

What was the last thingyou approved of, Charles,besides your birth?

Gee, oh, that is a toughie.

Hi, guys!Boy, I got no luck whatsoever.

Who are you this week,
Rosie the Riveter?

I get here at 8:15.
Plenty of time

to catch the crosstown
bus, right?

I bring my bowling ballto Adolph's Sporting Goods,

and he starts drillingholes without even asking.

Now I got six holes
in my bowling ball.

You know what kindof a hook that gives it?

I throw it, it comes right back.

What am I gonna tell the team?

All right, what team?

You know,
Ernie's Pizza Inferno.

CHARLES:
Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!

I get it. We're in Toledo.

Impossible.

I wouldn't be
caught dead in Toledo.

Now I place you.
Mr. Winchester,

the doorman of the CommodorePerry Hotel.

-I recognize you
from your uniform.-Blow the whistle on him.

Do not include me inyour demented masquerade,Corporal.

Corporal? Whoo!

They give him a uniform,and he thinks he's in the army.

You are one word away
from going on report.

Wouldn't you know it?Every time I talk to a stranger

in one of these cheap diners,he turns out to be a nut.

Hold that bus!See you at the brewery, guys.

There is a great difference
of opinion at present

concerning
the preferable method

of treating penetratingwounds of the heart.

-Gentlemen.
-Ohh!

Please excuse my tardinessIt was purely intentional.

You must be Captain Simmons.You can't be Captain Simmons.

Major Winchester,Captain Simmons.

You are Captain Simmons.

Afraid so, and I'm sorry
for being so young.

-It's all right.
You'll grow out of it.
-Carry on, son.

At Tokyo General,we feel pericardiocentesis

is the only proper
required treatment.

In figure A,a large needle is insertedinto the pericardial sac.

Constant suction is maintained.

Now, the first trick
is to know

when the advancementof the needle is stopped.

Trick?
[chuckles] Hardly.

Advancement is stoppedwhen resistance is felt

through the tissue, correct?

Not quite, sir. It's whenthe motion of the myocardium

is transmitted to the fingersand dark blood appears.

Let that be
a lesson to you.

If you think he's good now,Charles,

-wait till his voice changes.-[chuckles]

If tamponade reoccurs,then surgery is indicated.

Then, with
the pericardium open,

the blood clots are removed.

Excuse me, young man.

Removing blood clotsin the manner you advocate

would, uh, probably
initiate a hemorrhage.

Therefore I, uh--
I wouldn't do it.

You wouldn't, but I would.

It's a risk I prefer to take.

I beg your pardon?

Repeat it for him, will you?

His ears went with his hair.

If brisk hemorrhage occurs,

you simply locate the wound,

hold pressure on it,

replace the bloodas quickly as possible,

-and then suture.
-Captain,

even a veterinarian knowsthat that procedure

increases the likelihoodof ventricular fibrillation.

Right. That's
why you administer

intravenous procaine
or Pronestyl.

Give it a whirl
some time, doctor.

You give it a whirl, sonny.

Getting all this, Pierce?

Sure. "Give it a whirlsome time, Doctor."

-"You give it a whirl, sonny."-Just checking.

-Sorry, sirs.
-Choppers, right?

I know, I know, but there'schoppers coming in.

-School's out.-B.J.: Saved by the hell.

-Sir, you know
you're limping again?
-I'm not limping.

-I'm favoring my other leg.-Oh.

This guy can wait. X-rays.

Boy, they should geta stop sign for this corner.

It's the most dangerousintersection in Ohio.

Abdominal wounds.
Prep him, stat.

Multiple wounds and chest.
Get him in fast!

-How is he?-Superficial. He can wait.

Good. Set him down over there,give him something for pain.

Tighten these dressings.
This man's a one.

Good Lord.
Where do you start?

Anywhere, and thenyou keep going.

-Is it like this all the time?-Nah.

Compared to last week,this is a lawn party.

Shrapnel and fractured femur.Has he had morphine?

Quarter grain, Doctor.

Give him another quarter,
and he can wait.

How loud do they have to screambefore they can get in?

It's the ones who can't
scream that go first.

Hang in there, son.

The real thing is neveras neat as a diagram, is it?

Officer, I saw the whole thing.

I was bringing my laundry into Larry's French Cleaners--

Move it, Mr. 9-to-5,
or I'll arrest you
for loitering.

A little courtesy,Officer.

Your salary comesout of my pocket.

-Move it!-I got your badge number!

All right,let's shift it out of neutral.We got a lot of work to do.

That's a neat little stepyou got there, Colonel.You wanna teach it to me?

-Boy, you're really
in pain, aren't you?-I am just watching you.

You know, the way you
boys worry over me
is really touching.

-Drop it.
-I'm sure the Colonel
will be happy to know

that I'm as indifferentto his condition as he is.

All right, I never thought
I'd say this, but I want
to look at your leg.

-Forget it.
-Come on, Colonel.

We don't moveuntil you don't.

Come on, sit down.

Give me your leg.

Your calf is growinginto a hefty Jersey cow.

-Bull!
-All right, bull.But you're not going into O.R.

I'll go whereverI darn well please.

It doesn't hurt.

Colonel, this is one occasion

you're not going to be
able to rise to.

It happens to all of us
eventually.

I'm not leaving you
shorthanded in there.

Not to worry.Simmons hasn't left yet.

Simmons?
Are you out of your--

That is a brilliant idea.

Not so brilliant.
The kid's never beenin the trenches before.

Don't worry, Colonel.I'm sure that Captain Simmonswill be able to provide

more than adequate coveragefor you in surgery.

I will personally do my bestto help him right along.

I can lean against a table.

Alley Oop.
You can read about it

in the morning papers,
Colonel.

I'll go find Simmons.

I just hopethat precocious neophyte

does not irreparably damageour good name.

Not with a belligerent
buzzard like you

circling around,
he won't.

SIMMONS:
This bowel is nothing
but perforations.

3-0 chromic G.I.
Keep it coming.

Cancel that.

Captain, around here
we don't have time

to sew up
all the little holes.

Just remove
the damaged bowel

and suture
the two ends together.

Even if it meanslosing two or three feet?

That's right.
Others are waiting.

Men have families,
intestines don't.

Major, your voicewould carry much better

if you talked across to people
and not down to them.

Don't worry, Captain.
You're doing fine.

When Major Winchester
first got here,

he had trouble withemergency procedures too.

-He couldn'teven go potty by himself.-MULCAHY: Captain, please.

Oh, sorry, Father.

I know how hard Charleshas been working on it too.

Pierce can't help it,
Simmons.

It's his schooling.
He majored in Scatology.

Kellye, finish closing for me,will you, please? Right.

Hmm. Well, that doesn'tlook too difficult.

However, if you go astray,I will be nearby.

All right. I'm going to doend-to-end anastomosis.

-Give that man a cigar.-Just don't flick the ashesin your patient.

Major? Excuse me, Major,you're in my light.

-Hmm?-Down in front, Charles.

Your gratitudeoverwhelms me.

Where's Toledo's
leading citizen

with my X-rays? Mr. Klinger!

Here are your snapshots,
Mr. Pierce.

That's some camera you got.

Ah, the bats are busyin there tonight.

Could you pay me right away?I'd like to get home earlyand change.

Tonight's my lodge meeting
and we're swearing in
a new Moose.

Go out to my roadster.There's a quarterin the glove compartment.

-And don't play
with the flashlight.
-Yes, sir.

-And thank you, Mr. Pierce.-Bright kid.

These perforationsgo on forever.

What a mess.I'm gonna need more clamps.

[laughs]
I knew it.

Wonder Boy or not,
it isn't Tokyo.

You want to finish
the bandaging, Kellye?

All right, sonny.
You just, uh,

finish the resection
you're working on,

and I'll suture
the other areas primarily.

That is, if it's, uh,
all right with you?

No thanks, Major.
I'm going to resect
the other area.

Captain, now you're
removing too much bowel.

Don't worry about it, sir.The resections are far
enough apart.

-Simmons, you're not listening.-Neither are you, Charles.

Sounds to me like he knowswhat he's doing.

Don't ask my opinion, Charles.You wouldn't like it.

All right, suit yourselves.Play doctor with Skippy.

What's he got against me?

Well, you're young,
you're intelligent,

and worst of all,
you're right.

[whistling] Colonel,
what are you doing

at your desk
in your own office?

You and your leg are
supposed to be lying down.

The leg feels fine.

Besides, I got this littlehospital to run.

Oh, darn it! Captain Pierce
and Hunnicutt says

you gotta stay off
your "blaphitist."

I am off it. Shoo.

No, sir, sir.
I won't shoo, sir.

Look, I don't care that you
don't care that I care,

but I do care whether
you care or not,

and that goes for
everybody in this camp.

Radar, pack upall your cares and go.

Not until you go first.

Captain Pierce
says your leg is sick,

and if you don't go to bed,
it's gonna get sicker.

Aw, poop on Pierce.He worries like a mother hen.

I know this place,

and if I'm not here,things don't get done.

They've already
been done, sir.

I signed tomorrow's
forms yesterday.

We got till next week
till we're even.

Can you do surgery too?

No, but Captain Simmons can,and he's great.

He even showed up
Major Winchester.

Radar, Captain Simmonsisn't here anymore.

I know, but he's just over
at the 8063rd.

That's just a couple
of minutes away by chopper.

I'm telling you, sir.
We just don't need you.

-You don't?
-Not at all.

Everybody says Captain Simmonsis as good as anybody here.

-They do, huh?
-Uh-huh.

I never saw the O.R.
go smoother.

Now come on, sir.
Let's get to bed, huh?

All right, Radar.But you'll have to help me.

-Right.
-The old leg is
hurtin' real bad.

Oh, boy. Here you are.

-Ooh! Oooh! Wow!
-Oh, boy.

I was hopin' a towelaround it would help.

-Good reading?-Yeah, kinda interesting.

It should be.It's six in the morning.

What is it? "Lady Chatterly
Visits Boys' Town"?

Almost. It's the latest issueof Medical Dialogue.

I'll save you the trouble.I know how it ends.

Peter Pancreas marries
the Princess Pelvis.

They have a couple of kidneys,

and they all liver
happily ever after.

You may be right.I'll look it up in the appendix.

Why the crash course?You've already got the job.

It doesn't hurt to keep up.

It's easy to fall behindout here.

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

The boy surgeon
got to you, didn't he?

Just scared the hellout of me, that's all.

So he's younger than us,

so he's up on allthe latest developments,

so I get the book after you.

Ah! Rose nose.

Welcome to Skid Row.

Twenty cents a night,
D.T.s included.

Give him the binge rate.That's the third nighthe's come in this way.

Price. Honeycomb.

The rummy speaks.

Ruined by a little twerpsurgeon.

Here we go again.

My life is going
up in smoke.

It will if you don't stopbreathing on that stove.

Brilliant career
shot to smitheroons.

That Potter's fault.

First he keeps me hereuntil my talents "aptrophy,"

and then he sends littleBobby Shafto to come here

and humil-in-mate me.

But I'll get even with him.

Some day, he'll be
older than I am,

and then I'll show him up.

He couldn't even walka crooked line.

It's all over. It is all over.

As long as it's notall over my bed.

Aw, what? Aw, aw!

I could have been one of thetop 10 surgeons in the world.

-Come on.
-Now I'm dirt.

Oh, now I'm dead.

Charles,you're a talented, gifted,

drunken surgeon. Go to bed.

-Come on, come on.
-I am in bed.

Come with Daddy.
Here. Come to Daddy.

Huh? Oh, ohh, uh-oh.

-Whirlies.
-Out! Get him out!

-Where are we going?
-The shower.

We better run.

-[knocking]
-Come in, Radar.

Morning, sir.How'd you know it was me?

You're the only onewho knocks.

-Time to get up.
-For what?

This is your first walk.
Don't you remember?

The doctors said
after a couple of days

you could take yourselfto breakfast and back.

I ain't hungry.

Ah, yeah, but, sir,

they got Wheatena today,

and it's warm
and everything.

But ya gotta hurry.

Then just have 'em
send a bowl over.

Colonel, listen, uh,

you gotta use your leg,
you know,

otherwise it won't get
useful again.

Besides, you know, uh,
the swelling's gone down,

and the more you walk on it,

the littler swelling
there'll be.

Don't you want to get well?

Thank you, son.If I need you, I'll ring.

Yes, sir.
Are you sure, sir?

Look, Radar,the gam's still tender.

Things around hereare going smooth without me.

And like you keep saying,

There's always Captain Simmons,isn't there?

Well, sure, but...

Then let me get backto Zane Grey

before the outlaws do.

Well, listen, Colonel,

I don't mean to pull
rank on you,

especially since I can't,

-but, uh, as a friend---Appreciate it, son.

Yes, sir.

[door closes]

Come on, Charles, one more sip.This time in your mouth.

Here we go, here we go.
There. Very good.

It's too late for coffee.

Just a cigarette anda firing squad, please.

We're never gonna get it
down him this way.

We'll have to dump him
in the urn.

What a good idea.I can drown in there.

-Is that Charles?
-It was.

Nothing personal, Margaret.He's really glad to see you.

Yeah, all six of me.

Charles, it's okay

that you're not the smartestkid in class anymore.

Simmons, Simmons, Simmons.

What a rotten name
for a doctor.

Uh, can I talk to all yousirs for a minute?

Another kid.Get away, boy, you bother me.

Listen, I'm really worried
about Colonel Potter.

-He won't get up.
-Why not?

Well, he says his leg stillhurts, but that's not it.

-Then what is it, Doc?
-Well, I don't know.

He's just not himself, you know.He's acting like a gloomy Gus,

and he won't move aroundor talk or nothin',

and when I say to get up,he says,

"What's the diff?
Captain Simmons can do
all my stuff anyway."

Ahh, that name!

Boy, this Simmons-itis
is some disease.

It makes an invalid out
of one guy and a drunk
out of the other.

-One of us should
go cheer him up.
-How about Charles?

-I'll go.-Good. You sure smell better.

Is there anythingI can do for you, Major?

Yes, there is.

Scram, peewee!

-[knocking]
-Yes, Radar.

-Pardon me, sir, are youthe gentleman of the house?-I'm reading.

I'm Klinger.
Pleased to meet you.

Don't get up.
Stay right where you are.

What I've got to show you

you can see from the privacyof your own bed.

Aluminum siding.

Klinger, I'm not buying it.

You don't have to, sir.

If you'll just allow us to useyour spacious home as a model,

the Toledo Siding Company

will side your entire home
absolutely free

with no obligation to you
and the little missus.

All you do is allow me
to bring in a few
prospective customers

to view your new
lightweight castle.

Klinger, this oneisn't even good enough

for a 4-H Club skit.

I understand perfectly,
my good man. No siding.

Okay, let's talk
simulated wood shingle.

You're nuts if you think

this is gonna make methink you're nuts.

No nuts, not even a bolt.

-We laminate it right on.-[knocking]

Ah, the missus.
You lucky dog.

Klinger, are you pesteringthe colonel now?

At 5:00 this morning,
he tried to sell me
deep-pile carpeting.

It's wise to reconsider.I still got a few feet left.

-So have I. Get out of here.-Sir?

You heard the missus.Blow.

Boy, just when you're
about to close a deal,

the other half walks in.

Colonel, what are you
doing in bed?

Now don't you start.

Can I have my samples,
folks?

I got a couple of hot prospectsnext door. Newlyweds.

-Will you get out of here?-[clattering on floor]

See that? You can't hurt
these little wonders.

Now, as for you,
why the mopes?

Margaret,I'll tell you this once.

My leg hurts,it needs some bed rest,and I'm entitled.

No one's arguing with that.

But you've been in herefor two days,

and you know as well as I do

that you've gotta get upand move around.

Suppose I don't feel like it?

Colonel, you're no
special case here.

There's work to do,
and it's time you
started doing it.

Why? It's getting donewithout me.

That's a lousy excuse, sir.

I mean, what if everybody
around here

felt and did
what you're doing?

Nothing would ever get done.

All right, Margaret,you made your point.

I'll pull myself up.

-Attaboy.
-This afternoon.

Now!

Come on, all right.
That's right, go ahead,
fight with me!

-At least it'll getyour circulation going.-Now, Margaret, stop it!

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention all personnel, incoming wounded.

Roll out the welcome mat.

Now you've got no choice.

I was just leaving.

B.J.:Will you look at this?

CHARLES: Wonderful.

It's true what they say.Even the great ones

put their pants onone arm at a time.

It's gonna make a nice hat.

Gentlemen, I forgive
all your insults

if you will only
remove my head.

-Good morning, people.
-Ah, must be spring.

The big bird hasreturned to Capistrano.

-How's the leg, Colonel?-It's holding me up.

What's holding you up?
Get goin'!

Amazing how a smiling facelights up a room.

Let me warn you, Pierce.I'm nobody's sweetheart today.

Aha. I think I'll scrub up.

Good idea before surgery.

Colonel, I'm glad
you could make it

because I'm going
to have to be relieved.

I'm in no condition
to operate.

Well, that makes two of us.

Since misery loves company,we're both goin' in there.

Colonel, that is not fair.

With you here,
there are enough surgeons
to handle the load,

and, frankly,
I'm quite indisposed.

I don't want to hear it,Major.

Oh.

It's fine when you're
lounging around,

but if anyone else is
a little under the weather,

it's tough cookies, huh?

Winchester, I'm sick of you.

Ever since you set footin this place,

you've done nothingbut whimper and whine.

It's not my fault

this war interruptedyour Park Avenue career.

For all your griping,you're just not worth it.

Nobody's that good.

How dare you!

I've worked my butt off
in this hellhole,

and at no time have I evershirked my responsibilities

or fallen short
of any reasonable request.

I'm a damn good surgeon!

And look who's talking,
if you please,

Colonel Slugabed.

You can't stand up
in surgery,

much less fill my shoes!

I'll put my bum leg againstyour fat head any day!

You're no match for mein anything!

I can drink youunder the table

and out-operate youover the table!

-Hah!
-Hah! Hah!

I wouldn't let you
close for me!

Just get in there!

With pleasure!

We'll see who can take it!

[both groaning]

Done. My 50th splenectomy.That makes me an ace.

Free hands here.

CHARLES: I'm fine,thank you.

POTTER: Who isn't?

B.J.: I'm not proud. Help!

Need some gloving here.

I need all the gloving
I can get.

-CHARLES: Three-oh silk.-Three-oh silk.

Margaret, how longhave we been in here?

A little over six hours.

I don't want to look.How's Potter really holding up?

Rocky Gibraltar
is doing just fine.

Oh, of course he is.

I have to hand itto the old boy.

If his leg hurtshalf as much as my head,

I'm surprised he's still alive.

Don't tell me, tell him.

Close for me, will you,Margaret? Thank you.

B.J.: Retract thata little, will you?

Uh, Colonel...

at the risk
of sounding maudlin,

I apparently underestimated
your stamina.

Frankly, you're...

as good as I am.

Thank you, Winchester.Nice of you to say so. Clamp.

-Uh, Colonel?
-Yes?

-I meant that sincerely.-I know you did.

Isn't there anything
you have to say to me?

Yeah. Get back to work.

Uh, Colonel,
I'm sorry to interrupt
your feeling better,

but there's a Mr. Klingerhere to see you?

-Thank you, son. Send it in.-Right.

Mr. Klinger?

Mr. Potter,
you wanted to see me?

Come in, Klinger. Sit down.

Thanks!
Boy, did you see 'em

tearing down the Rivoli
Theater this morning?

I hear they're gonna replace itwith a three-story high-rise.

All right,enough of this palaver.

I got your Section 8paperwork right here.

What am I doing
in Section 8?

I thought I was working
on the roof.

Klinger, you've convinced me.

At first I thoughtall this not believing

you're in the armywas just another scam.

But you really thinkyou're in Toledo,

-don't you?
-Don't you?

Okay. Let's get to it.

I just want to checkthe facts

before I send yourpaperwork on to H.Q.

I don't understand what
you're talking about,

but you're the foreman.

Okay, name, Max Klinger.

Right. That's with one X.

-Got it. Place of birth?-Toledo, Ohio.

Fine. Mother's maiden name?

Abodeely.
That's with two E's.

Social Security number?

556-78-2613.

-Rank?
-Corporal.

Aha! Gotcha, soldier!

[theme music playing]