M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 17 - The Price - full transcript
Klinger tries to bribe Colonel Potter, but Potter is more concerned with the disappearance of his horse, Sophie. Meanwhile, Hawkeye and B.J. try to hide a man who is about to be drafted into the Korean army.
[theme music playing]
POTTER: ♪ I'm an old cowhand
♪ From the Rio Grande
♪ But my legs ain't bowed
♪ And my cheeks
ain't tanned ♪
♪ I'm a cowboy who never rode a cow ♪
♪ Never roped a steer 'cause I don't know how ♪
♪ And I sure ain't fixin'
to start in now ♪
♪ Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay
Howdy-do, stranger.
I do fine, sir.Do you know you're late?
You worry too much, Radar.
That's probably why you're
so good at your job.
Probably, sir. But you didsay you'd be back at noon.
That was four hours ago,and now it's 4:00.
Yeah. I totally forgot.
Isn't it wonderful?
Radar, there's a special
feeling you get
when you're alone
with your horse.
Just the two of ya,
cut off from the world
with nobody to bother ya.
I know, sir. I get the samefeeling with my skunk.
Radar, give us a hand,
will ya?
There we go.
Uh, before you say
anything,
Mrs. Potter
made these for me.
Now what do you
think of'em?
Thanks for the warning, sir.
Would you like her
to send you a pair?
Uh, can she makethe same thing in white?
-[knock on door]
-It's a rare treat
to share your underwear
with a friend.
You're welcome, sir.
Sir, it's Cho Pak and hisdaughter for the laundry.
Wunderbar.
Come on in, folks.
Come on in.
-Good day, Colonel.
-Indeed it is.
And how's Mr. Pak
today, Mr. Pak?
Right.
I'll get to the point.
This is a special order.
I'd like your fatherto clean my riding britches.
No starch.
The saddle is bad enough.
[speaking Korean]
-What did he say?
-I don't know.
Let me find out, sir.
Excuse me.What did he say?
It's not important, Colonel.
We make sure no starch.
Colonel, he meant nothing.
When was the last time
your father was
examined by a doctor?
Long time ago.When he was in army, maybe.
I'd sure like to give him
a thorough physical.
[speaking Korean]
-[Korean]
-He says no, sir.
Forgive the way my father act.
Please understand
that he was once a proudofficer in cavalry.
Is that so?
He feels that to come here
as a laundrymanis a great disgrace.
No apologies necessary.
But do have him come in
and see me for
an examination soon.
Colonel very kind.
[laughs] He's cavalry.
He knows.
Let me get the door.
He's a "sir," sir.[chuckles]
Gee, I never knew Mr. Pakwas an officer before.
He fought Russians
long time ago.
He saved many villages.He was very famous.
Wow. I wish you'd tell himhow proud I am to know him.
It's a real honorjust knowing him.
Mr. Pak, do you think
maybe you could do
an undershirt of mine?
-[Korean]
-He says no.
All right. How much?
Don't you ever knock?
-[knocks]
-Come in.
How much, Colonel?
What are you talkingabout, Klinger?
Please. Let's cut
the chin music, sir.
Every man has his price.
How much?
Oh, I see. Now it's bribery.
That's an ugly word for it, sir.Ugly but fitting.
Klinger, I'm getting a vision.
Ahhh, a corporaldigging an endless latrine.
I'll be brief, sir.
Greed, sir.
It's greed, not faith,
that moves mountains.
It was greed
that moved my uncle
into a cushy job onthe Toledo City Council.
Get out of here, Klinger.
You think I'm talking
peanuts, don't you?
How does $100 sound?
Like peanuts.
That's just starters, sir.
Let's talk a thousand,
5,000.
Let's talk door.
It'll require a little
overtime, but $10,000.
-Ten thousand?
-There it is.
The chink in your armor.Your price.
-Get.
-Your words say no,
but your eyes say yes.
And my boot says--
Going but not gone.
I'll be back... sir.
Nothing like a nice hot shower
with ice-cold water.
A sensual pinnacle.
A religious experience.
Let's do it more often.
How about next November?
-It's a date.-Good evening, captains.
-Oh.
-You look much thinner
with that crust
off your bodies.
Well, Margaret, aftera compliment like that,
the least I can dois scrub your back.
-Forget it again.
-I won't even peek.
I'll stand in front of youand reach behind.
I'll go along to make surehe doesn't miss a spot.
Go wash out your minds!
Religious fanatic!
MARGARET: ♪ Over hill, over dale
♪ As we hit the dusty trail
♪ And the Caissons
go rolling along ♪
♪ Countermarch, right about
♪ You can hear
the sergeant shout ♪
♪ As the Caissons
go rolling along ♪
♪ For it's hi-hi-hee in the field artillery ♪
♪ Shout out your orders--
Aah!
Aah!
[screaming continues]
Hey, ho, ho, ho!
-Whoa! Take it easy!-Easy, easy, kid! Easy!
-Don't hurt us.
-Come here.
He looked at me! Hold him!He saw my body!
-So he got lucky.-Margaret, he's just a kid.
He's still tryingto figure out what he saw.
Who is he? Why was he
in my shower?
-Isn't it obvious?
-Not to me.
He's a spy!
Oh, right.
A peeping Commie.
Margaret, will youtake it easy?
-We'll get to
the bottom of this.
-Or that.
I'm wearing a towel!
Oh, I hadn't noticed.
[cheering, whistling]
All right.Okay, okay, everybody.
Break it up.
This is just betweenthe major and her peeper.
Let's all go home. Come on.
If he took any pictures,we'll see that everybodygets a copy.
Not for me, thanks.
Hey, hey, hey,
take it easy!
We're the good guys.
Show him the picture
of your daughter again.
[knocking]
-You wanted to see me?-No, no, no, no, no.
Yes. Radar,
we fished this guy
out of Major Houlihan'sshower.
-Wow!
-You know him?
No, but he's suregot guts.
[speaking Korean]
[Korean]
I just don't understandthis younger generation.
We don't speak
the same language.
Does he understand English?
I'll find out. Do you
understand English?
Yes.
Yes.
I'm so glad Radar showed up.
-What's your name?
-Ham.
-Ham.-What are you doing here?
-I was just gonna ask him that!
-Will you be quiet.
I come from villagedownriver.
-No, no, no. It's all right.-It's okay.
Oh, swell. You've openeda clinic in my living room.
Take a number.We'll be right with you.
You were saying, Ham?
Last night our armycome to my village.
Force men into trucksto become soldiers.
Why, that's barbaric!
At least in America,
a draftee gets
a letter of greetings.
These R.O.K. soldiers
are pretty rough.
They take who they want,and you better not say no.
I see them take my friends.I run away.
Why didn't I think of that?
It was wrong to run,but I was afraid.
Ham, what you did wasperfectly understandable.
No, not right.I should be a soldier.
I should be with my friends,but I'm afraid. I don't know.
They're gonna be looking forhim, sirs. That's for sure.
What the hell is this?
Rounding up young kidsin the middle of the night?
That's what we're supposedto be fighting against.
-Why don't we?
-Hold it, hold it!
You're not gonna do somethingnoble and inconvenient
like hiding him here, are you?
-Hey!
-Hey, Charles!
Thank you!Wonderful idea!
Cigars? Cigarettes?
Candy? Gum?
-Pack of gum.
-New or used?
-Used gum?
-Hey, it's got
a wrapper on it.
However, I personallyrecommend the new.
-That'll be a dollar.
-Forget it.
Hey, Klinger, if you're
so hard up for dough,
why not try
a dime a dance?
Or even better, a dimeand you won't dance. [laughs]
You better look out, or they'llbe puttin' dimes on your eyes.
You're giving the club
a bad name, Hairy Mary.
I'm warning you, Zale.
Shut up, or as soonas I'm on my break,
I'll clobber you.
Ooh, I'm all a-tremble.
Hey, welcometo the club, gents.
Can I checkyour hats and coats?
We don't seem
to be wearing any.
I'll rent you some. Cheap.
Just the manicwe were looking for.
Something for thatdandruff, sir?
$3.00 a bottle.
Klinger, we want
to talk to you.
Are you interestedin my one-cent sale?
I'm selling pennies
a quarter each.
You don't understand.We want to talk to you.
All right. Talk fast.
I'm on overtime.
This is Ham.We're hiding him
from the KoreanConscription Unit.
We need yourspecial talents.
Now that's a worthy cause.
He needs a disguise.
Ah. Stand up, kid.
Size 9, junior miss.
I got just the number.
A peasant skirt
and a blouse.
He'll look
like a million bucks,
-but it's yours for 75.-$75?
That's with matching
shoes and babushka.
-20.
-Deal.
Now do me a favor. Smile.
A little snapshot
to memorialize
your beautiful
evening on the town.
That'll be nine dollars
for the original.
Duplicates two dollars each,four if they come out.
No, thank you.
I don't want anybody to knowI was in this place.
-Wait a minute, guys.
-Hey, Klinger,
you really wanna
raise some money?
Rent your nose to the armyas a warehouse.
I do believe he's
taken that extra step.
-Would you gentlemen excuse me?-Of course.
[yells]
I knew you were riding today,sir, so I got this.
Thank you, son.
It's for Sophie.
Oh. I'll wipe it off
before I give it to her.
Ah! A little flea market,eh, Klinger?
No, sir. I cleaned
every item personally.
Wonderful choice, sir.
That is very you.
I can let you have thatfor a song--a $30 song.
Don't even hum it.You're gonna need a pistolwith those prices.
Colonel, the more I earn,the bigger your bribe.
Give you a nickel for it.
Joke away, sir,
but I'll be having
the last laugh
-when you sign that discharge.-[squeaking]
Hey, kid, don'ttouch the merchandise
unless you intend to buy.
What's this?
-A truss.
-Oh, ick!
Klinger, move your Kasbahout of my camp.
All right. If you're
low on cash,
I'll open you
a charge account.
-Let's go, son.-I can have it deductedfrom your pay.
Who'd want to buy a truss?
Never mind, Radar.
Oh, my!
Hey, what happened here?
-Sophie!
-Where is she?
Holy cow! Sophie!
[whistles]
Come on, girl!
She must've bolted.
She wouldn't leave you, sir.Somebody must have took her!
No. Nothing's been touched.All my riding gear's here.
She was right herelast night when I came out--
Oh, no! I must've left
the gate open!
Oh, geez! It's my fault!
No, no, no, it isn't, son.
It is! Oh, yes, it is, sir.
You can bust me to private,
court-martial me,
not talk to me anymore.
-No, Radar, listen!
-Oh, geez!
I came out here last nightto take a look at her.
It was my fault!I must've done it.
Oh, thank goodness!
Whew! Oh, geez,
I'm sorry, sir.
I know you feel
bad enough already.
-Call I-Corps, Radar.
-Choppers! Good idea.
-We'll find her, sir.-If Sophie's around here,
I'm gonna find her. Sophie!
Aw, Sophie.
Yeah. She's got brown eyes,brown hair, yellow teeth,
and her coat's brown too.
Of course it's a horse!
What do you thinkI've been talking about?
Hey, listen. This is serious.
She's out there,
and you could hit her
with one of your guns.
So you better keep your eyeson your horizon, fella!
Yeah. Thanks.
Colonel, did ya see her?
Did you find her?
I guess you didn't
find her, huh?
Well, listen, sir.
Don't worry.
We'll look again tomorrow.
Every unit in this sector
is keepin' an eye open
for her.
One field spotter thoughthe spotted her in the field,
but it was just
another field spotter.
We'll track her downeventually, sir.
Sir? Don't give uphope, Colonel.
There's no hope
to give up, son.
We looked everywhere.
I don't know
what happened
or where she is,
but I know
where she isn't.
Wanna join me?
Oh, uh, no.That, uh... Sure.
I'm gonna miss that girl.
Oh, I know you are, sir.
Every once in a while,
Radar,
a horseman
comes across an animal
that's something special,
one that knows you better
than you know yourself.
Sophie gave me
a lot of pleasure.
And I do believe
she liked me.
Oh, I know she did, sir.
To absent friends.
You know, we got--[hiccups, gasps]
Easy, son. I don't
want to lose you too.
Attention, all personnel. Attention, all personnel.
The South Korean Mobile Army Recruiting Office
has just entered the camp.
Uncle Syngman wants you.
I cannot wear dress.
It's either this
or an R.O.K. uniform.
And you got about 12 secondsto make up your mind.
No, here. Over here.
Put him here.
[knocking]
-Yes?
-Yes. Entrez.
Good evening, gentlemen.Pardon the intrusion,
but we are looking
for escaped draftees.
Well, you don'thave to worry about us.We've already been caught.
Have you seen
any such draftees?
Gee, not that I know of.
Do they have any
distinguishing marks,
Like fallen arches,
severe trembling,
self-inflicted wounds?
You are funny man.
A regular Bob Hope.
But seriously, folks,
the only draftees we get herearrive by ambulance.
Interesting, huh?
This is a model
of an alcoholic's
digestive system.
-See, we're doctors.
-[snap]
Who is this, please?
That's an associate of ours:Dr. Van Winkle.
-He's sleeping off the war.-You wake him, please.
I'd love to, but he's gotanother 19 years to go.
I beg your pardon?
All right. Look.
That's the surgeon
we share this tent with--
Major Winchester--
and we're not
disturbing him.
Yeah. He just came outof 25 hours of surgery.
It took 40 minutes to prythe scalpel out of his hand.
-You wake him, please.
-Sorry, fella.
You want him up, you gotta geta note from Colonel Potter.
[speaking Korean]
All right. Thank you
for your cooperation.
-Any time.
-Don't be strangers.
Well,it's Korean roundup time.
Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay.
Uh, get along,little doggie. Get along.
Get along yourself.
I live here.
You live here?Who are you, sir?
Well, not that it's
any of your business,
but I am Major Ch--
Hello.
Major Charles Emerson Win--
-Ahem!
-Winchester III!
-He's lying! Get out
of here, you liar!
-What?
If you arethe surgeon Winchester--
If?
Then who is that?
[groans]
Thanks for stopping by,
Charles.
Your timing is perfect.
Why, you lascivious boors.
You, you creeps!
How dare you bring oneof your trollops in here
and put her in my bed!
I am sick of your
collegiate capers.
Remove this doxy immediately.
[laughing, speaking Korean]
Bob Hope.
I knew you sly boots
were hiding somebody.
-Can't get one by you.
-[laughing]
[chattering]
Charles, you really
came through for us.
Thank you, Charles.
You're entirely welcome.
-Get him out of my bed!-Shh, shh, shh!
Sophie!
Colonel Potter, it's Sophie!
-Who is that guy?-RADAR: That's Cho Pak.
B.J.: The laundryman?
Yeah, but a long time ago,he used to be a colonel.
Very brave soldier.
My grandfather
tell me many times
how he saved my village.
Sophie! Who the hellis riding her?
It's Mr. Pak.
What are you doing
on my horse?
Do you mind telling me
what in the blazes
he's doing on my horse?
Colonel, please do not be angry.My father means no harm.
Neither do I.
I don't understand.
He wears his uniform--
field colonel in army.
Riding horse makes him
forget humiliation
and remember days of glorywhen he was honored
and respected as you are.
I think I get the picture.
Well, Sophie, you don'tseem the worse for wear.
In fact, I've never
seen you look better.
I will tell him to give backhorse now. Very sorry.
[speaking Korean]
[sighs]
Thank you.
Just a moment, please.
[Korean]
This horse means as much to meas any animal I've ever owned.
But she means more
to your father.
I would like him
to have her.
No, you cannot--
No. I want to.
Tell your father.
[Korean]
Good-bye, girl.
You take care
of each other.
Colonel very generous.
My father never will forget,or will I.
Colonel?
Um, that's the best thingI ever saw anybody do ever.
I'll be in my tent.
All right. I give up.
What are you doing?
If you're eloping,you forgot the girl.
I'm going to be with myfriends where I belong.
With your friends?
In the army.
What brought this on?
Cho Pak was brave soldier.
Saved my people
long time ago.
Ham, wait a minute.You don't owe anybody anything.
He wasn't afraid.
He did not run away
and leave his friends
to fight.
-I was wrong to run.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're 16 years old.You got a right
to grow up before theytake you away.
-Must go now.
-Ham, you've lived
right in the
middle of this war.
You know what it's
like out there.
Wait! Hey, wait a minute!
-Damn it!-Look, let's call the M.P.s.
They'll arrest him
for trespassing,
jaywalking, anything.
-Maybe they can detain him---Hawk, he's gone.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you busy?
Since when would thatmake any difference?
I just wanted to say, sir,
that your gesture towards
that old Korean gentleman
yesterday
was the most generous
act it's ever been
my privilege to witness.
-Uh-huh.
-And in that
same spirit, sir,
I was wondering if youreceived that little envelope
I slipped under your door
last night.
Sure did. A promissorynote for $5,000.
That's a big promise.
Which I'm well on my way
to keeping, sir.
You'll be able to fill that
corral with horses, sir.
Then this isan official bribe.
Yes, sir. Even
notarized it myself.
Well, son, you betterstart packing.
Sir, I'm on my way.
Right. You're on your way
to 20 work-filled yearsat Leavenworth.
What?
That's the officialarmy door prize
for bribing an officer.
You're not serious, sir.
I'm not?Read the travel brochure.
20 years. Leavenworth.
This is silly, sir. It's
just a misunderstanding.
I would never think
of bribing an officer.
How about 10 bucks
to forget the whole thing?
Colonel? Sir, outside.You gotta come see this.
Just a minute, Radar.
No, sir. Now, sir.
Come quick.
When I get back, you and your10 bucks better be gone.
We were never here, sir.
What's this?
Colonel, my father
died during the night.
His last hours
the happiest ones
because of you.
He left with honor,
with pride,
and with dignity.
[nickering]
Come on, Sophie.
[slurring]
Hey, Sherman, old buddy!
Park it right here.
Park it right here.
Let me buy you a drink.
I appreciate it, son,
but no thanks.
Nonsense.
I'm "liquordating"
my corporation,
and who deserves one more
than the man who
put me out of business?
Klinger, I can feel your hookdangling under my nose. Pass.
You got me all wrong, sir.
This is pure kindness,
100 proof.
I'll tell you what.
Let me buy you one.
Whatever you say.
If that's what you want.
Uh, Klinger, could youloan me that 10 bucks?
[theme music playing]
POTTER: ♪ I'm an old cowhand
♪ From the Rio Grande
♪ But my legs ain't bowed
♪ And my cheeks
ain't tanned ♪
♪ I'm a cowboy who never rode a cow ♪
♪ Never roped a steer 'cause I don't know how ♪
♪ And I sure ain't fixin'
to start in now ♪
♪ Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay
Howdy-do, stranger.
I do fine, sir.Do you know you're late?
You worry too much, Radar.
That's probably why you're
so good at your job.
Probably, sir. But you didsay you'd be back at noon.
That was four hours ago,and now it's 4:00.
Yeah. I totally forgot.
Isn't it wonderful?
Radar, there's a special
feeling you get
when you're alone
with your horse.
Just the two of ya,
cut off from the world
with nobody to bother ya.
I know, sir. I get the samefeeling with my skunk.
Radar, give us a hand,
will ya?
There we go.
Uh, before you say
anything,
Mrs. Potter
made these for me.
Now what do you
think of'em?
Thanks for the warning, sir.
Would you like her
to send you a pair?
Uh, can she makethe same thing in white?
-[knock on door]
-It's a rare treat
to share your underwear
with a friend.
You're welcome, sir.
Sir, it's Cho Pak and hisdaughter for the laundry.
Wunderbar.
Come on in, folks.
Come on in.
-Good day, Colonel.
-Indeed it is.
And how's Mr. Pak
today, Mr. Pak?
Right.
I'll get to the point.
This is a special order.
I'd like your fatherto clean my riding britches.
No starch.
The saddle is bad enough.
[speaking Korean]
-What did he say?
-I don't know.
Let me find out, sir.
Excuse me.What did he say?
It's not important, Colonel.
We make sure no starch.
Colonel, he meant nothing.
When was the last time
your father was
examined by a doctor?
Long time ago.When he was in army, maybe.
I'd sure like to give him
a thorough physical.
[speaking Korean]
-[Korean]
-He says no, sir.
Forgive the way my father act.
Please understand
that he was once a proudofficer in cavalry.
Is that so?
He feels that to come here
as a laundrymanis a great disgrace.
No apologies necessary.
But do have him come in
and see me for
an examination soon.
Colonel very kind.
[laughs] He's cavalry.
He knows.
Let me get the door.
He's a "sir," sir.[chuckles]
Gee, I never knew Mr. Pakwas an officer before.
He fought Russians
long time ago.
He saved many villages.He was very famous.
Wow. I wish you'd tell himhow proud I am to know him.
It's a real honorjust knowing him.
Mr. Pak, do you think
maybe you could do
an undershirt of mine?
-[Korean]
-He says no.
All right. How much?
Don't you ever knock?
-[knocks]
-Come in.
How much, Colonel?
What are you talkingabout, Klinger?
Please. Let's cut
the chin music, sir.
Every man has his price.
How much?
Oh, I see. Now it's bribery.
That's an ugly word for it, sir.Ugly but fitting.
Klinger, I'm getting a vision.
Ahhh, a corporaldigging an endless latrine.
I'll be brief, sir.
Greed, sir.
It's greed, not faith,
that moves mountains.
It was greed
that moved my uncle
into a cushy job onthe Toledo City Council.
Get out of here, Klinger.
You think I'm talking
peanuts, don't you?
How does $100 sound?
Like peanuts.
That's just starters, sir.
Let's talk a thousand,
5,000.
Let's talk door.
It'll require a little
overtime, but $10,000.
-Ten thousand?
-There it is.
The chink in your armor.Your price.
-Get.
-Your words say no,
but your eyes say yes.
And my boot says--
Going but not gone.
I'll be back... sir.
Nothing like a nice hot shower
with ice-cold water.
A sensual pinnacle.
A religious experience.
Let's do it more often.
How about next November?
-It's a date.-Good evening, captains.
-Oh.
-You look much thinner
with that crust
off your bodies.
Well, Margaret, aftera compliment like that,
the least I can dois scrub your back.
-Forget it again.
-I won't even peek.
I'll stand in front of youand reach behind.
I'll go along to make surehe doesn't miss a spot.
Go wash out your minds!
Religious fanatic!
MARGARET: ♪ Over hill, over dale
♪ As we hit the dusty trail
♪ And the Caissons
go rolling along ♪
♪ Countermarch, right about
♪ You can hear
the sergeant shout ♪
♪ As the Caissons
go rolling along ♪
♪ For it's hi-hi-hee in the field artillery ♪
♪ Shout out your orders--
Aah!
Aah!
[screaming continues]
Hey, ho, ho, ho!
-Whoa! Take it easy!-Easy, easy, kid! Easy!
-Don't hurt us.
-Come here.
He looked at me! Hold him!He saw my body!
-So he got lucky.-Margaret, he's just a kid.
He's still tryingto figure out what he saw.
Who is he? Why was he
in my shower?
-Isn't it obvious?
-Not to me.
He's a spy!
Oh, right.
A peeping Commie.
Margaret, will youtake it easy?
-We'll get to
the bottom of this.
-Or that.
I'm wearing a towel!
Oh, I hadn't noticed.
[cheering, whistling]
All right.Okay, okay, everybody.
Break it up.
This is just betweenthe major and her peeper.
Let's all go home. Come on.
If he took any pictures,we'll see that everybodygets a copy.
Not for me, thanks.
Hey, hey, hey,
take it easy!
We're the good guys.
Show him the picture
of your daughter again.
[knocking]
-You wanted to see me?-No, no, no, no, no.
Yes. Radar,
we fished this guy
out of Major Houlihan'sshower.
-Wow!
-You know him?
No, but he's suregot guts.
[speaking Korean]
[Korean]
I just don't understandthis younger generation.
We don't speak
the same language.
Does he understand English?
I'll find out. Do you
understand English?
Yes.
Yes.
I'm so glad Radar showed up.
-What's your name?
-Ham.
-Ham.-What are you doing here?
-I was just gonna ask him that!
-Will you be quiet.
I come from villagedownriver.
-No, no, no. It's all right.-It's okay.
Oh, swell. You've openeda clinic in my living room.
Take a number.We'll be right with you.
You were saying, Ham?
Last night our armycome to my village.
Force men into trucksto become soldiers.
Why, that's barbaric!
At least in America,
a draftee gets
a letter of greetings.
These R.O.K. soldiers
are pretty rough.
They take who they want,and you better not say no.
I see them take my friends.I run away.
Why didn't I think of that?
It was wrong to run,but I was afraid.
Ham, what you did wasperfectly understandable.
No, not right.I should be a soldier.
I should be with my friends,but I'm afraid. I don't know.
They're gonna be looking forhim, sirs. That's for sure.
What the hell is this?
Rounding up young kidsin the middle of the night?
That's what we're supposedto be fighting against.
-Why don't we?
-Hold it, hold it!
You're not gonna do somethingnoble and inconvenient
like hiding him here, are you?
-Hey!
-Hey, Charles!
Thank you!Wonderful idea!
Cigars? Cigarettes?
Candy? Gum?
-Pack of gum.
-New or used?
-Used gum?
-Hey, it's got
a wrapper on it.
However, I personallyrecommend the new.
-That'll be a dollar.
-Forget it.
Hey, Klinger, if you're
so hard up for dough,
why not try
a dime a dance?
Or even better, a dimeand you won't dance. [laughs]
You better look out, or they'llbe puttin' dimes on your eyes.
You're giving the club
a bad name, Hairy Mary.
I'm warning you, Zale.
Shut up, or as soonas I'm on my break,
I'll clobber you.
Ooh, I'm all a-tremble.
Hey, welcometo the club, gents.
Can I checkyour hats and coats?
We don't seem
to be wearing any.
I'll rent you some. Cheap.
Just the manicwe were looking for.
Something for thatdandruff, sir?
$3.00 a bottle.
Klinger, we want
to talk to you.
Are you interestedin my one-cent sale?
I'm selling pennies
a quarter each.
You don't understand.We want to talk to you.
All right. Talk fast.
I'm on overtime.
This is Ham.We're hiding him
from the KoreanConscription Unit.
We need yourspecial talents.
Now that's a worthy cause.
He needs a disguise.
Ah. Stand up, kid.
Size 9, junior miss.
I got just the number.
A peasant skirt
and a blouse.
He'll look
like a million bucks,
-but it's yours for 75.-$75?
That's with matching
shoes and babushka.
-20.
-Deal.
Now do me a favor. Smile.
A little snapshot
to memorialize
your beautiful
evening on the town.
That'll be nine dollars
for the original.
Duplicates two dollars each,four if they come out.
No, thank you.
I don't want anybody to knowI was in this place.
-Wait a minute, guys.
-Hey, Klinger,
you really wanna
raise some money?
Rent your nose to the armyas a warehouse.
I do believe he's
taken that extra step.
-Would you gentlemen excuse me?-Of course.
[yells]
I knew you were riding today,sir, so I got this.
Thank you, son.
It's for Sophie.
Oh. I'll wipe it off
before I give it to her.
Ah! A little flea market,eh, Klinger?
No, sir. I cleaned
every item personally.
Wonderful choice, sir.
That is very you.
I can let you have thatfor a song--a $30 song.
Don't even hum it.You're gonna need a pistolwith those prices.
Colonel, the more I earn,the bigger your bribe.
Give you a nickel for it.
Joke away, sir,
but I'll be having
the last laugh
-when you sign that discharge.-[squeaking]
Hey, kid, don'ttouch the merchandise
unless you intend to buy.
What's this?
-A truss.
-Oh, ick!
Klinger, move your Kasbahout of my camp.
All right. If you're
low on cash,
I'll open you
a charge account.
-Let's go, son.-I can have it deductedfrom your pay.
Who'd want to buy a truss?
Never mind, Radar.
Oh, my!
Hey, what happened here?
-Sophie!
-Where is she?
Holy cow! Sophie!
[whistles]
Come on, girl!
She must've bolted.
She wouldn't leave you, sir.Somebody must have took her!
No. Nothing's been touched.All my riding gear's here.
She was right herelast night when I came out--
Oh, no! I must've left
the gate open!
Oh, geez! It's my fault!
No, no, no, it isn't, son.
It is! Oh, yes, it is, sir.
You can bust me to private,
court-martial me,
not talk to me anymore.
-No, Radar, listen!
-Oh, geez!
I came out here last nightto take a look at her.
It was my fault!I must've done it.
Oh, thank goodness!
Whew! Oh, geez,
I'm sorry, sir.
I know you feel
bad enough already.
-Call I-Corps, Radar.
-Choppers! Good idea.
-We'll find her, sir.-If Sophie's around here,
I'm gonna find her. Sophie!
Aw, Sophie.
Yeah. She's got brown eyes,brown hair, yellow teeth,
and her coat's brown too.
Of course it's a horse!
What do you thinkI've been talking about?
Hey, listen. This is serious.
She's out there,
and you could hit her
with one of your guns.
So you better keep your eyeson your horizon, fella!
Yeah. Thanks.
Colonel, did ya see her?
Did you find her?
I guess you didn't
find her, huh?
Well, listen, sir.
Don't worry.
We'll look again tomorrow.
Every unit in this sector
is keepin' an eye open
for her.
One field spotter thoughthe spotted her in the field,
but it was just
another field spotter.
We'll track her downeventually, sir.
Sir? Don't give uphope, Colonel.
There's no hope
to give up, son.
We looked everywhere.
I don't know
what happened
or where she is,
but I know
where she isn't.
Wanna join me?
Oh, uh, no.That, uh... Sure.
I'm gonna miss that girl.
Oh, I know you are, sir.
Every once in a while,
Radar,
a horseman
comes across an animal
that's something special,
one that knows you better
than you know yourself.
Sophie gave me
a lot of pleasure.
And I do believe
she liked me.
Oh, I know she did, sir.
To absent friends.
You know, we got--[hiccups, gasps]
Easy, son. I don't
want to lose you too.
Attention, all personnel. Attention, all personnel.
The South Korean Mobile Army Recruiting Office
has just entered the camp.
Uncle Syngman wants you.
I cannot wear dress.
It's either this
or an R.O.K. uniform.
And you got about 12 secondsto make up your mind.
No, here. Over here.
Put him here.
[knocking]
-Yes?
-Yes. Entrez.
Good evening, gentlemen.Pardon the intrusion,
but we are looking
for escaped draftees.
Well, you don'thave to worry about us.We've already been caught.
Have you seen
any such draftees?
Gee, not that I know of.
Do they have any
distinguishing marks,
Like fallen arches,
severe trembling,
self-inflicted wounds?
You are funny man.
A regular Bob Hope.
But seriously, folks,
the only draftees we get herearrive by ambulance.
Interesting, huh?
This is a model
of an alcoholic's
digestive system.
-See, we're doctors.
-[snap]
Who is this, please?
That's an associate of ours:Dr. Van Winkle.
-He's sleeping off the war.-You wake him, please.
I'd love to, but he's gotanother 19 years to go.
I beg your pardon?
All right. Look.
That's the surgeon
we share this tent with--
Major Winchester--
and we're not
disturbing him.
Yeah. He just came outof 25 hours of surgery.
It took 40 minutes to prythe scalpel out of his hand.
-You wake him, please.
-Sorry, fella.
You want him up, you gotta geta note from Colonel Potter.
[speaking Korean]
All right. Thank you
for your cooperation.
-Any time.
-Don't be strangers.
Well,it's Korean roundup time.
Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay.
Uh, get along,little doggie. Get along.
Get along yourself.
I live here.
You live here?Who are you, sir?
Well, not that it's
any of your business,
but I am Major Ch--
Hello.
Major Charles Emerson Win--
-Ahem!
-Winchester III!
-He's lying! Get out
of here, you liar!
-What?
If you arethe surgeon Winchester--
If?
Then who is that?
[groans]
Thanks for stopping by,
Charles.
Your timing is perfect.
Why, you lascivious boors.
You, you creeps!
How dare you bring oneof your trollops in here
and put her in my bed!
I am sick of your
collegiate capers.
Remove this doxy immediately.
[laughing, speaking Korean]
Bob Hope.
I knew you sly boots
were hiding somebody.
-Can't get one by you.
-[laughing]
[chattering]
Charles, you really
came through for us.
Thank you, Charles.
You're entirely welcome.
-Get him out of my bed!-Shh, shh, shh!
Sophie!
Colonel Potter, it's Sophie!
-Who is that guy?-RADAR: That's Cho Pak.
B.J.: The laundryman?
Yeah, but a long time ago,he used to be a colonel.
Very brave soldier.
My grandfather
tell me many times
how he saved my village.
Sophie! Who the hellis riding her?
It's Mr. Pak.
What are you doing
on my horse?
Do you mind telling me
what in the blazes
he's doing on my horse?
Colonel, please do not be angry.My father means no harm.
Neither do I.
I don't understand.
He wears his uniform--
field colonel in army.
Riding horse makes him
forget humiliation
and remember days of glorywhen he was honored
and respected as you are.
I think I get the picture.
Well, Sophie, you don'tseem the worse for wear.
In fact, I've never
seen you look better.
I will tell him to give backhorse now. Very sorry.
[speaking Korean]
[sighs]
Thank you.
Just a moment, please.
[Korean]
This horse means as much to meas any animal I've ever owned.
But she means more
to your father.
I would like him
to have her.
No, you cannot--
No. I want to.
Tell your father.
[Korean]
Good-bye, girl.
You take care
of each other.
Colonel very generous.
My father never will forget,or will I.
Colonel?
Um, that's the best thingI ever saw anybody do ever.
I'll be in my tent.
All right. I give up.
What are you doing?
If you're eloping,you forgot the girl.
I'm going to be with myfriends where I belong.
With your friends?
In the army.
What brought this on?
Cho Pak was brave soldier.
Saved my people
long time ago.
Ham, wait a minute.You don't owe anybody anything.
He wasn't afraid.
He did not run away
and leave his friends
to fight.
-I was wrong to run.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're 16 years old.You got a right
to grow up before theytake you away.
-Must go now.
-Ham, you've lived
right in the
middle of this war.
You know what it's
like out there.
Wait! Hey, wait a minute!
-Damn it!-Look, let's call the M.P.s.
They'll arrest him
for trespassing,
jaywalking, anything.
-Maybe they can detain him---Hawk, he's gone.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you busy?
Since when would thatmake any difference?
I just wanted to say, sir,
that your gesture towards
that old Korean gentleman
yesterday
was the most generous
act it's ever been
my privilege to witness.
-Uh-huh.
-And in that
same spirit, sir,
I was wondering if youreceived that little envelope
I slipped under your door
last night.
Sure did. A promissorynote for $5,000.
That's a big promise.
Which I'm well on my way
to keeping, sir.
You'll be able to fill that
corral with horses, sir.
Then this isan official bribe.
Yes, sir. Even
notarized it myself.
Well, son, you betterstart packing.
Sir, I'm on my way.
Right. You're on your way
to 20 work-filled yearsat Leavenworth.
What?
That's the officialarmy door prize
for bribing an officer.
You're not serious, sir.
I'm not?Read the travel brochure.
20 years. Leavenworth.
This is silly, sir. It's
just a misunderstanding.
I would never think
of bribing an officer.
How about 10 bucks
to forget the whole thing?
Colonel? Sir, outside.You gotta come see this.
Just a minute, Radar.
No, sir. Now, sir.
Come quick.
When I get back, you and your10 bucks better be gone.
We were never here, sir.
What's this?
Colonel, my father
died during the night.
His last hours
the happiest ones
because of you.
He left with honor,
with pride,
and with dignity.
[nickering]
Come on, Sophie.
[slurring]
Hey, Sherman, old buddy!
Park it right here.
Park it right here.
Let me buy you a drink.
I appreciate it, son,
but no thanks.
Nonsense.
I'm "liquordating"
my corporation,
and who deserves one more
than the man who
put me out of business?
Klinger, I can feel your hookdangling under my nose. Pass.
You got me all wrong, sir.
This is pure kindness,
100 proof.
I'll tell you what.
Let me buy you one.
Whatever you say.
If that's what you want.
Uh, Klinger, could youloan me that 10 bucks?
[theme music playing]