M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 15 - B. J. Papa San - full transcript

[theme music playing]

CHARLES: ♪ Figaro

♪ Figaro, figaro, figaro figaro, figaro, figaro ♪

♪ Figaro

[vocalizing]

The Barbarian of Seville.Quiet!

Pierce, why must you alwaysthwart my attempts

to bring a little cultureinto this neolithic pup tent?

-Because I'm a music lover.-[chortles]

[singing in Italian]

Wait, don't tell me.



That's the moose ariafrom Don Ameche.

-Don Giovanni.
-Well, "don" sing
anymore, please.

-[vocalizing]-Hey, you in the balcony.

How can you just sit there

without asking
for your money back?

-[continues]-Will you shut up or I'll cry?

Don't you have ears?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just getting lostin this letter from Peg.

Oh, the weekly
gut-wrencher, huh?

I'd like to mail it backto her with me in it.

Beej, it doesn't
do any good to stew.

You miss them,
they miss you,
the whole schmear.

I stopped singing
for this?



Hey, I'm just homesickand depressed. It's okay.

Another hour,I'll only be homesick.

Well, how do I look?

Not that your opinion matters.

In that case, you look great.

Who's the lucky cadaver?

Nurse Jacqueline Carew.

Bryn Mawr, '48.

Harvard, nothing.

[chuckles] Very good.

Jest if you will,

but this will bean evening to remember.

Italian opera, French wine...

And a Mexican standoff.

[knocking]

Sirs, are you busy?

No, Radar, come in. And bringyour bodyguard with you.

Sir, uh, this is Kim Sing.You know her father Su Sing.

Su Sing? Oh, yeah.
That nice little guy

who sells vegetables
to the company mess.

-He's not so little.-Don't be short with me, Radar.

-What's up, Radar?
-Oh, listen.

I think her father's
really sick.

I mean, he's got a fever.
He's got chest pains.

He's coughing up blood
and everything.

Probably pneumonia.

Aren't the people
in this area

issued sulfa?

Yes, Charles, they are,

but they sell it
in order to buy food.

Then they walk around
infecting each other.

I used to donate oneThursday afternoon a month

to the respiratory unitat Mass General.

Uh, well, maybe you couldgo see him then, sir.

Certainly not.
This isn't Thursday,

we are not in Massachusetts,and I have a date.

Gentlemen. Corporal.

You know, if he had
a conscience, it still
wouldn't bother him.

I'll go with her, Radar.I'm not doing myselfany good sitting here.

Just what you need:
a nice pleasant
change of problems.

You move, please.
We go now.

Right away, honey.

Not right away. Now.
Move, please.

I think I'll be going now.

♪ Figaro, figaro, figaro

♪ Shave and a haircut, two bits ♪

Oh, that's
where that's from.

You go fast.

I promise you, Kim,

we'll get there
as fast as we can.

You go fast.

Look, honey, don't worry.

Right. Shut up and drive.

[engine starts]

[siren wailing]

Shut that blasted thing off.

The general said shut that
blasted thing off.

Can we have it quiet out here?Our snipers are trying to sleep.

Who's this soldier's C.O.?

General Prescott
wants to know who's
your C.O., soldier.

Here's our maestro now.

All right. What'sthe big stink all about?

Oh, uh, General.

May I present the nearestthing we have to a general--

Colonel Sherman Potter.

This is Brigadier GeneralMarion Prescott.

-Marion.
-Leave it alone.

You look familiar,Colonel. Do I know you?

I don't think so,
General.

-Were you in World War II?-Yes, sir.

-I knew you looked familiar.-Uh, right.

What can we do for you, sir?

I had a little fracas
at the front.

That's where I got this.

No kidding. I've been lookingall over for one of those.

-Pierce.-Somebody help me down.

The general was felled
in the midst of action

while traversing battalion
combat positions.

[general groaning]

I wish they'd keep thosefoxholes in plain view.

Well, you came tothe right place, General.

A day on your backand some ice,

and you'll be waltzingon that ankle.

Just follow the two littleleft feet on the floor.

Hey, hey, hold it. I haven'tgot time to loll around.

Just wrap a bandage around it.

I want to be out
of here in an hour.

I'll have you bandaged
in half an hour.

Of course, they'll have toleave off the gold braid.

Pierce.

[dog barking]

[speaking Korean]

Be it ever so humble.

-[speaking Korean]
-[speaking Korean]

I'm sorry. "Hello" and"Put it on Hawkeye's tab"

is the only Korean I know.

Will you tell your motherI'm a doctor?

Doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor, come, please.

-[coughing]
-Hi.

Hello. I'm Dr. Hunnicutt,the center of attention.

[speaking Korean]

You fix him up, Doc.

[chuckles] Looks like
you could use a good
blanket, Su Sing.

-Does your chest hurt a lot?-[speaking Korean]

-[coughing]
-Okay, okay. Sit up.

I get the picture.

Can you breathe for me?

-[inhales]
-[coughing]

Mrs. Sing,I'm afraid your husband hasa severe case of pneumonia.

Do you understand pneumonia?

I'm gonna give him a shot.

Then I'll come back tomorrowand give him another one.

But I need you to make sure--it's very important--

that he gets two
of these pills,

two of these pills
every day.

And give one to
everyone in the family

so they don't
get sick like
Papa-san, okay?

I will give later.

Uh, no, not later, now.

I'd like to see them
get the medicine.

-I'm kinda funny that way.-Okay.

Now you roll over,
Su Sing. There you go.

Papa-san work in field soon?

Not for a while, honey.
He needs rest.

He needs to be
kept warm and dry
and get decent food.

I'd like to take him
back to the MASH with me.

No, stay together!

He can get
decent care there.

No, stay together!

[scoffs,speaking Korean]

She much afraidthat we not stay together.

We lose one son
already: Cho-Duk.

He was killed?

Army take him.

And you haven't heard
from him since?

You help find Cho-Duk?

I don't have many connectionswith the South Korean Army.

Please?

There's almost no chanceof finding him.

Please.[speaking Korean]

Sure. No problem.

All right. Be a brave
little soldier.

Bite down on the flask.

Hey, don't besmart-alecky.

Aah!

Ooh, gee, I'm sorry I heardyou scream, General.

What do you want?

Uh, I need the general'ssignatures

on these general
release forms.

Can you write
with the other foot?

-Gimme those.
-Yes, sir.

-[groans]
-And a DA-5 release
for the release forms.

Here you go, General.We're all out of lollipops.

You can use these
to swat tanks.

Anything, as long as they getme out of this loony bin.

-Please, we call this home.-Yeah.

Wait a minute. You knowhow to walk on these?

Get outta my way.

They come witha set of instructions.

Now you look--Aah!

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, yes.

Oh, my wrist. My wrist!

Okay, take it easy.

Is it broken?

I wouldn't trywaving good-bye.

Hey, listen,
this can't happen.

He's already signed out.

Eight blankets,four pillows,

a carton of C-rations,case of condensed milk.

This all for you,Captain?

It's for a Korean family
that's barely making it.

Oh, that's really rough.

-No.
-I didn't hear that.

Oh, let me put it to youa different way.

No use of military itemsby nonmilitary personnel.

You know that, Captain.

Zale, these people need help,

-and I want to give it to them.-Sorry.

How 'bout if I pay
you for it, then?

Please,I'm a man of principle.

Besides, you don't havethat kind of money.

All right, Sergeant.
Let's deal in a currency

a little closer to yourheart, like your skin.

Would I-Corps approve
of that Quonset hut motel

you shipped home
to your wife?

-That's blackmail.
-That's right.

That's a deal.

Hey, Beej, wait up.

How's Su Sing?

It was lobar pneumonia,all right,

but he's holding his own.

Good. Welcome back.

Or is it good-bye
forever?

[chuckles] Just takingthe family a few things

to tide them over.

It's incrediblethe way they live, Hawk.

They have nothing,absolutely nothing.

I figure somebodyhas to do something.

-Let me guess: you?
-[chuckles]

I'll stop by there
every couple days

with whatever I can pick up.

Is there anything left?

[exhales] You shouldsee those kids together.

Kim and her little brother.God, they're sweet.

Hey, Beej, you know,
there's a lot of sadness
in these people's lives.

Comes with the territory.
No matter what you do,

you're not gonna change
it all by yourself.

-I know, Hawk.
-Yeah, yeah, good.

-Oh, hey, could you guysjust hold up for a second.-Hey, Radar.

I hate to tell you this,but you got a run in your face.

No, this ismy, uh, protective netting.

Do me a favor, don't startthe jeep right now, please.

I think it's going to
disturb my bees, okay?

Let 'em put their waxin their ears.

Oh, hey, listen. This ismy queen bee Isabella.

She's being
fertilized right now,

and that's why we haveto be careful and quiet

for a little while.

We won't even
tell the king.

Yeah, I'm breeding them,you know, for the honey

'cause Colonel Potter
misses it in his tea.

Can we, uh, can wegive a little look?

-Yeah, come on.
-Come on.

Yeah, okay. But listen,do me a favor, will you?

Don't stare, 'cause I thinkit really, uh, bothers them

when they're watched.

-Oh. [mumbling]
-What? What? What?

They're all blowingin her ear.

[bees buzzing]

They're finished.

You can tell that?

Sure. She's leaningback on one antenna,

smoking a cigarette.

Well, fellas,
I hate to peep and run,

but I got a family
to take care of.

-Oh, Radar.
-Yeah?

Could you do me
a favor, Radar?

I wanna track downa South Korean soldier

named Cho-Duk Sing.

He's probably with a unitformed in this area.

There was a lot of unitsformed in this area.

That's a pretty big order.

It's pretty important.

Should I wait up for you?

I'll only be a couple hours.

It'll take you
that long

just to kiss
those kids hello.

-[hammering]
-You work hard.

I figure your father can dowithout the air-conditioning.

-Huh?
-It's okay.

Sometimes I don'tunderstand me, either.

Here you go.

Here. You.

What's this?

For your Kim.

Oh, honey, I can'ttake this from you.

Please. We cannot pay.

-You just did.
-MOTHER: Kim!

[shouting in Korean]

You bring medicine.
Please, hurry.

-[coughing]-Easy. You're gonna be okay.

Have you been
giving him the pills?

-Yes, give some.
-Some?

Mama-san, it's very importantthat he get all the pills.

You understand?
Don't sell them.

I'll be back tomorrow.

I'll bring more pills
and another shot.

Okay, B.J.

You knowwhere my son Cho-Duk?

No, not yet.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow.

Okay, B.J., thank you.

[coughing continues]

-You don't go now!
-I've gotta go, Kim.

You two better
get back inside.

Your mother may need you.

Please, you stay?

-Papa-san very sick.
-Please don't go.

Hey, your pop will be okay.I'll be back tomorrow.

No, no leave. Stay.[sniffle] Kim scared.

Kim, Kim, it'll be okay.I promise.

Please, you stay?Papa-san need you.

Oh, I gotta go back to camp.They need me there too.

[sobbing]

Oh, don't cry, honey.

Come on. Sure I'll stay.Of course I'll stay.

Good afternoon, General.

What's good about it?

How is your soup today?

I don't know.I haven't tasted it yet.

Oh, here.
Allow me, sir, please.

Here. Here. There we are.

Plenty of noodlesin every spoonful.

Oh, of course.

-[slurps]
-How's that?

-More noodles. More noodles.-Right.

General--ahem--

Had you ever considered
the advantage

of having your own
private physician?

Someone billeted near you,
for example, in, say...

-well, Tokyo.
-You.

-I accept.
-Not so fast.

You're not even the onewho patched me up.

-It was that other loudmouth.-Pierce.

-Yeah, a real wisenheimer.-Precisely.

He is competent, but you wantmore than mere competence.

You want a physician withstature, unlimited talent.

You again, I suppose.

Major Charles Emerson Winchesterat your service.

And again...
[chuckles] I accept.

You sound like a sissy.

But you might have
something there.

-Personal physician, huh?-Hmm.

-Are you good?
-In a word... great.

The best. Nonpareil.

Might come in handyat the front.

The... front.

As in "up at the front"?

Lots of fireworks there.

Wouldn't mind havinga sawbones by my side

when the shelling starts.

The shelling.

What are you stopping for?We're down to the chicken.

See, General, I had in mind
waiting for you in Tokyo.

I would be no use to you
whatsoever in combat.

You need another kind of doctorfor that altogether.

Someone like Pierce here.

Someone at home in a trench.

Someone who thrives
on mud and mire.

One need only check his bunk.

Here you are.Lots of noodles, Pierce.

He begged you to take himaway from all this, right?

You two would never work out.After your first spat,

you'd run home to MacArthur,and he'd go back to his mother.

Give me that.

The bigger they are,
the nicer they are.

Papa-san's beenhaving some problems.

The kids were scared,

so I stayed upall night with them.

-No improvement?
-Not yet.

I'm gonna check backafter I finish rounds.

It's okay.
I covered for you.

-Thanks. I owe you one.-Just get some sleep.

Maybe later. I'm gonnascrounge up some lumber,

see if I can finish the roof.

Beej, you look exhausted.
Get some sleep.

I'll get somewhen I need it.

You know that sentence
that begins

"It's none of my business,
but..."?

Hawk, they need me,and I wanna do it.

Uh-huh. See you later.

KLINGER:Good afternoon, General.

Corporal Max Klinger,
Section 8,

modeling the latest
in stateside fashion.

This divine teatime frock
is just perfect

for those hot afternoonson maneuvers.

And consider the chic design.The hair can be worn in or out.

Then, to catch thatspecial psychiatrist's eye,

a provocative portside slit.

Down, screwball.

Bucking for a Section 8in drag doesn't wash with me.

I didn't let my son outfor dressing like that.

Why should I let you?

Now you get that hairydrumstick off that chair,

or I'll have you pluckedand shipped to Leavenworth.

Yes, sir. About face!

Forward march! And...

♪ A pretty girl ♪

♪ Is like a melody

Uh, yeah, that's right,Cho-Duk Sing.

Oh, no, I don't knowhow to spell it.

I'm afraid to try.

Yeah. Oh, swell.

They're transferring meto the R.O.K. liaison.

R.O.K. liaison, again?
You talked to them
three transfers ago.

-Gimme that phone.-Hey, hey, watch it, will ya?

-Hello.
-Hey, talk to them
nice. They hang up.

Look. I'm trying to locatea Korean named Cho-Duk Sing.

He was drafted somewherein the Ouijongbu area.

I don't knowtoo many details.

No, I don't knowhis service number.I don't even know mine.

Hey! Hey!

He's transferring meback to I-Corps.

Gimme that, son.

Believe me,
the louder you talk,

the less they hear.

You gotta slip on
the old velvet glove

if you wanna get any action.

[pleasant] Hello.

To whom am I speaking?

Captain, this is ColonelSherman Potter, 4077th MASH.

Seems we're having
a teeny problem

locating a Korean soldiernamed Cho-Duk Sing.

He's an R.O.K. draftee.

Thank you.

Told you we'd get some action.

Where is he?

Don't know yet,

but we're making progress.

They're transferring meto the R.O.K. liaison.

Just three more, sir,and you're all better.

This is my bad hand.

Doesn't matter. Nobody canread your signature anyway.

Can't you push
this thing any faster?

Now don't forget,General,

don't stab anybodywith that hand

or grind anybodyunder that heelfor at least a week.

[chuckles]
The man's a pistol.

-Could use a silencer.
-Yes, sir.

Oh, we're gonna missyour biting sense of humor,

General, you big lug.

I'll take over, Pierce.You've pushed him far enough.

-Excuse me, General.
-What is it now?

-One more form for--
-I don't care anymore.

Just let me sign it
and get outta here.

[bee buzzing]

-What's that?
-A bee! Shoo!

Hey, Blitzen,what are you doing out?

Don't hit him!It's Blitzen! It's Blitzen!

-Aah! Friend! Friend!
-Order him outta here!

Wait, hold on. Here, Blitzen.[whistles]

Hey, what are you doing?Hey, hey, get outta here,
you lousy bee!

Hey, get him outta here!Oh! Oh! I'm bit! I'm bit!

They always gofor the officers first.

Blitzen, where are you?Speak to me!

You're starting to swell.
Are you allergic?

I don't know. I've neverbeen stung before.

Oh, Lord, I'm hit!

-Well, back into the shop.-[whistling]

[gasps]

Oh, Blitzen.

Oh, gee, what a way to go.

Feel it. It's as big
as a peach pit.

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel,

incoming wounded.
This is a big one.

See what you started?

[distant explosion]

B.J.: Think they couldturn that down?

I don't know.I kinda like the rhythm.

-[explosion]
-♪ Night and day ♪

♪ Why is it so ♪
Suction.

♪ That this longing for you follows wherever I go ♪

♪ In the roaring traffic's--

[no explosion]

♪ In the roaring traffic's

[boom]

♪ In the silence
of my lonely room ♪

♪ I think of you
Night and day ♪

-Cut it out, Hawk.-Well, this is a first.

One of the Katzenjammer Kidsdoesn't want to play, hmm?

That shelling'scoming awful close

to the civiliansout there.

We have plentyto worry about in here.

Amen.

Keep that intestineback, Margaret.

I'm doing the best I can.

You keep changing the field.

-Just keep it back, Margaret.-Take it easy, Beej.

Kim's familygot through the shellingbefore they ever met you.

They probably stand
a better chance
for survival

than his patient there.

Or you, if you don'tkeep your mouth shut.

That's enough.Winchester, shut up.

Hunnicutt, if you can't keepyour mind on your work,

you're no good to us here.

Did anyone happen to flip

through this week's copyof Stars and Stripes?

There was a very
interesting article

comparing Korean kimchiand sauerkraut.

Uh, sauerkraut lost.

No, I don't suppose you did.

I'm sorry I snappedat you, Margaret.

They'll be all right.

[yawning]

-Hey, Beej.
-Hmm.

-Your pants are on fire.-Mm.

Mm. Look. You can't
keep up this hut-hopping

between 14-hour shifts
in O.R.

Let's face it. Their demandis bigger than your supply.

Oh, you were right, Hawk.It never stops.

They're cold,so I find them blankets.

Then they're still cold 'causethey're sleeping on the floor.

So I find 'em a bed.

Then it rains on the bed,so I patch up the roof.

Next it'll be a house
in a better neighborhood

in a safer country.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.I gotta rest.

Look, Beej. This is too muchfor one person, even you.

-Captain Hunnicutt.
-Mm.

Uh, sir, I found Cho-Duk.

You did? Where?

We've been looking
in the wrong army.

He's been attached
to an American unit
near Taegu.

-That's great.
-What great?

Taegu's over 60miles from here.

No, that's all right.

I had him transferred to
a unit just south of here.

-We're back to great.
-How'd you do that?

Well, as long
as General Prescott was
signing release forms,

I, uh, handed him
a transfer blank.

Radar, you're beautiful!Let me give you a kiss.

-Hey, come on!
Cut that out! Geez!
-Oh, ho!

You couldn't slip himmy discharge papers?

I can hardly wait to see
the look on their faces
when I show 'em this.

I'll drive. You'd fallasleep at the wheel.

Are you kidding? I could leapthere in a single bound.

I may not be ableto give them everything,

but I can give 'em this.

-Here it is. This is it.-Where?

-Right here. This is it! Stop!-Wait a minute.

Wait till I stop, will ya?

Kim! Kim! Mama-san!

He-Hey!

They're gone.

The place is deserted.
They took everything.

Including the neighbors.

Where'd they go?

I guess to someplacesafe from the shelling,

like this used to be.

But I'll never find them.

Maybe they'll come back.

[chuckle]
No, they won't.

They'll just keep
going south,

away from the war.

Oh, Hawk.

They don't even
know about Cho-Duk.

They don't even know
their son's alive!

-That isn't fair.-[plane passes overhead]

[sighs]

They take me awayfrom my wife and kid, and I--

find somethingto help fill the gap,

and they take that away too.

It isn't right.

Damn it, it isn't right!

[sighs]
Let's go.

[engine starts]

I wish I knewwhat to do, Hawk.

I know what you'll do.

Go home and have
a lousy meal,

a poor night's sleep,

and tomorrow you'll find
somebody else to help.

Are you crazy? You thinkI'd ever do that again?

-I know you would.
-You're right.

-I always am.
-Shut up and drive.

Is the road clear?Are the bees in their cages?

Bats in their belfry

and all's right
with the world.

General, it's beena real pleasure.

Save it. I never want
to see any of you again.

Oh, please, General, you'vethanked us enough already.

Better not return the salute.

That cast will give youa concussion.

-[engine starts]
-Get outta here.
I'll do it myself.

[chortles]
Move out!

Write if you get work.

[tire explodes]

-Keep movin'!
-Sir, the tire.

Never mind that tire.
Keep movin'!

-But, sir--
-Get me outta here!

There he goes,back into combat.

He'll be safer there.

[theme music playing]