M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Winchester Tapes - full transcript
Hawkeye tries to travel to Seoul in order to visit Nurse Gilmore for the weekend. Charles tapes an angry message to his influential parents back home in Boston, asking for their help in getting him reassigned stateside.
♪♪ [theme]
CHARLES:
Dear Mother and Dad,
I've only been here
a short while,
but it seems forever.
MASH 4077 is truly
a nightmare.
It is either too cold...
or it is unbearably hot.
I needn't tell you again.
I won't be happy
until I am out of here.
I have even contemplated
shooting myself in the foot.
But you know how much I enjoy
the annual deb's cotillion.
Mail!
Hunnicut, Hunnicut, Hunnicut.
Pierce.
And two for our high-class
society Major Winchester.
Klinger, you are
really full of it.
We are what we eat, sir.
Ha!
Almost forgot--
Captain Pierce's
nudist magazine.
Hmm, a nudist wedding.
The bride is wearing
white sneakers.
My Lord.
Sir?
My nephew Felix
is being discharged
from the service
because
of fainting spells.
Really, sir?
Mm-hmm.
They're very strange.
Everything seems to go
sort of dark gray...
Yes, yes?
And then he experiences
dizziness...
Go on.
And then he swoons
and, uh, passes out.
Ohhh!
Klinger, come off it.
When a person faints,
he falls forward.
False alarm.
[groans]
Mail!
Somebody sent me
a person.
Come on, Klinger, up, up.
-Where am I?
-Let's go, up.
Oh, Captain Pierce.
You got here
just in time.
-The craziest thing happened.
-Oh, yeah?
Suddenly, everything
went a dark gray.
Then I experienced dizziness.
Then I fainted,
falling forward.
-What is that?
-I think you got a whiff
of your own breath.
Sorry. My mother
sent me a garlic pie.
Want dibs?
I had an apple
on the train.
Attention, all personnel--
Colonel Potter speaking.
Klinger, where
the hell's the mail?
I love that man.
Uh-oh.
Peg got poison oak.
-Where?
-In the woods.
That can be painful.
Mm. Frazier Continental
down seven points.
B.J.:
Who they playing?
A major financial loss
is hardly a laughing matter.
I apologize.
Do you expect me
to believe that?
I wouldn't if I were you.
This is incredible!
-What what?
-I'm going to heaven.
That isincredible.
Beej, you remember
Nurse Gilmore?
She was engaged
to the Navy dentist.
Well, she just became
disengaged.
All of a sudden,
the red light has
turned green,
and she's inviting me
to spend the weekend
with her in Seoul.
Sounds like she's making
a three-day pass at you.
I can't believe it.
To think that someone
with such grace, wit,
sensibility,
intelligence, and charm
would be sending
for little old me.
Who'd have thought it?
Certainly not I.
This woman has
the patent on wonderful.
Smell that.
Is she wonderful?
Yeah, wonderful.
Oh, that's wonderful.
A pity you have to decline
the invitation, Pierce.
You are officer of the day
all weekend.
Beej, take O.D. For me.
I can't, I'm in O.R.
[chuckling]
Charles, come on,
as a friend.
Not even as an enemy.
Charles!
Sorry.
O.D.-- odious duty.
I've already done mine.
Weekend's your turn.
Look, I'll take all your duty
for the next three days
if you'll just work
this weekend.
I hate working weekends.
What difference does it make?
Every day
is a holiday in Korea.
It's just the thought.
I'll let you
use my after shave.
Kerosene makes me break out.
Money?
You can't buy me.
How much?
How much did you lose
on the Frazier
Continental thing?
-$4,000.
-Deal.
Come on. How much
have you really got?
$12.80.
Ha! Boutonniere money.
-He'll owe you the rest.
-Sorry.
Charles, you don't understand!
This woman-- She--
Roses have fistfights to see
who could smell like her.
Her wit is so sharp,
you could shave with it.
When they heard the sound
of her laughter,
six nightingales
got out of the business.
This-- She's got--
All right, all right,
all right.
I'm giving in
merely because
I can use a three-day
vacation from you.
Now please
don't get the idea
that I'm doing it
because I'm generous,
or worse, amiable.
Trust me, no one
will ever think of you
as anything
but completely rotten.
Thank you.
Hee hee hee!
Listen, I need
some clean shirts.
The laundry lady
broke her rock.
Why don't these people
get a service contract?
I need shirts, shorts,
socks, and a jeep.
What size jeep?
34, loose in the seat.
You could use a haircut.
Let's see Klinger
about the jeep.
How's my nostril hair?
I'd look, but I'm
afraid of the dark.
Sorry. A brief interruption.
Pierce and Hunnicut
were regaling each other
with their version of wit,
dirty laundry, and nose hair.
Constant exposure to these
two cretins annoys me
and aggravates my--
my misery
more than I can tell you.
But, always hopeful,
I'm endearing myself
to the C.O., the man
responsible for my presence
in this... cesspool.
He's a tough, bandy-legged
little mustang,
but guess what.
He paints.
He's somewhat
of a primitive.
He's no Churchill, surely.
But I have agreed
to pose for him.
Raise your chin
a little, Winchester.
Boy, you've got a tough ear.
It's all lobe.
Dad's.
Fat-eared cuss, eh?
May I... speak, sir?
As long as you don't
move that ear.
Sir, I have been here
interminably.
Time flies
when you've got good duty.
Sir, you don't
understand.
I feel that
my talents are such--
-I cleaned your brushes, sir.
-Good man.
Couldn't find
any turpentine,
so I used
yesterday's soup.
Cleanest they've been
in years.
Gee, that's wonderful, sir.
-Thank you.
-Who is that?
Guess.
I better go polish
your horse.
As I was saying, sir,
I feel I could be
more useful in Tokyo
or even... the States.
Not to me, Commissioner.
This meatball surgery
of yours
is causing my skills
to deteriorate.
They're wasting away.
Don't change the color
of your face!
I'm out of umber!
And I'm out of patience!
This place is driving me mad!
Cool off, Winchester!
How can I cool off
in this godforsaken pesthole?
You're here,
so get used to it.
You haven't lifted a finger
to get me transferred.
That's right,
and I don't intend to.
I certainly think
you ought to consider--
Not again, Major! I've had
enough of your beefing!
I need you here,
and you'll stay here
like the rest of us.
Here. Your face is finished.
Father, you must know
someone influential.
I know.
What about that former
brigadier general
who's now a doorman
at The Plaza?
I understand he's very close
to Arthur Godfrey.
Well, keep trying.
Please.
Interesting thing
about military units.
Quite often, one discovers
that the actual
day-to-day routine
is dependent upon
one small enlisted man.
Here at 4077,
it's a myopic farm boy--
Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
Okay,
there's a razor in here
and some shaving cream
and a toothbrush.
Oh, by the way,
I got you two T-shirts
from the officers' supply.
-Oh, gee. That's really--
-Shh, shh.
If anybody found out,
I wouldn't be allowed
to see the movie
for a month.
Oh. Shh.
Saturday's Bogart.
[imitating Bogart]
Waiter,
if me and the boys
wanted to eat mucilage,
we would have
ordered mucilage.
Listen, remember what
Captain Hunnicut said
about your pills.
The purple ones are for pain.
That's P for pain,
P for purple.
The white ones
are for sleep.
W for white,
W for sleep.
W for...
Well, you can work that out.
All that's on the bottles.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea.
Okay, your bus
leaves in an hour.
Get to the departure
lounge early.
That's the dead tree
by the latrine.
Listen, Corporal,
my buddy in that bed
leaves tomorrow.
Can I stay one more day
and go with him?
We've been together
since basic.
Oh, sure. I could
work that out.
Certainly not. You go when
you're scheduled, soldier.
Thanks for nothing.
Don't worry about him.
I can fix it.
Oh. Captain!
He's the chief surgeon.
What is it, Radar?
I'm in a hurry.
I got to get
my body to Seoul.
Yes, sir. McCloud wants
to wait till tomorrow
and go home
with his buddy,
but Major Winchester says
he's got to go today.
Winchester, Winchester.
Tall chap.
Looks like a cat who's
swallowed a sour mouse?
Don't worry about it.
Go tomorrow.
What does the war care?
Hey, thank you, sir.
Say, you carry a lot
of weight around here.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, listen,
while you're waiting,
have you seen
our cockroach collection?
Uh, no.
Takes an hour, but it's
well worth your time.
The humidity here
is disastrous.
Please send me some deodorant.
I don't care about the others,
I don't want
to offend myself.
To continue
about Corporal O'Reilly,
I upset him the other day,
which I can ill-afford to do.
His telephone is my sole contact
with the outside world.
I must attempt to mollify him
and try to contact Tokyo.
Corporal, I was rather harsh
with you in post-op. Remember?
Well, I brought you this case
of grape Nehi as an apology.
Oh, grape Nehi. At Rosie's
it costs me a buck a bottle.
Price is no object
when you're doing
something for a friend.
-Colonel Potter
says no long distance--
-I want to make a call--
-...phone calls.
-...to Colonel Baldwin
in Seoul.
How did you know
I was gonna say that?
That's why they
call me Radar.
-This is an emergency.
-Even in an emergency.
Can you tell me what I'm
about to say now?
Yes, sir,
but I promised Father Mulcahy
I wouldn't use those words.
-[door slamming]
-[bottle top popping open]
Come on, Beej,
you've got to have
a pair of pajamas.
Look around. You had a pair
when you got here.
I had a lot of things
when I got here--
Faith, hope,
sanity, a liver.
Aah! Ew! Charming.
I wouldn't wear that.
You're right,
it's too hot for fur.
-Wait, wait, wait!
-What, what, what?
Don't throw it
toward the kitchen.
You know how they are.
Eww! Ugh!
Oh, good, one down,
two to go.
Charlie, you got pajamas.
Just lend me one pair.
-No.
-Just the tops.
-No.
-The bottoms.
-You can keep the string.
-Forget it.
All right, but you're
no longer my best friend.
-What about you?
-No pajamas, Hawk.
You'll have to rely
on your personality.
-Got you a jeep. -Great.
Klinger, can you
loan him some pajamas?
No, but I got a lovely
low-cut peignoir,
chickadee red,
with oriental peacocks
embroidered
over each breast.
Sounds pretty risqué.
It should be for eight
books of green stamps.
Get out of here!
Socks, shorts, shirts...
after shave.
Be my guest.
Babalu number five.
One for the master,
one for the desk clerk,
and one for the little girl
who waits in the room.
Laundry.
Oh, good!
You got your rock fixed.
Five bucks.
See him.
Five bucks.
He gets the cleaning,
and I get cleaned.
Shirts, socks, shorts.
Ahh! Pajamas!
Those are mine, Pierce.
Just for two nights.
My mother gave me these
for my birthday.
It's time they went
to a party.
Pierce--
with my compliments.
Man [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Oh, no, no, no!
I'm going to Seoul.
-Let's go, lover.
-You don't understand.
Gilmore, roses,
nightingales, room service.
No, no, no. O.R., blood,
sutures, scalpels.
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
Dad, you have got
to get me out of here.
Talk to Senator Grizwald.
After all, you paid
good money for him.
I am doing my best... to...
adjust to these
bizarre people.
There is a transvestite
corporal
with dreadful taste in clothes,
and a head nurse
who is part seductress
and part Attila the Hun.
You did beautifully,
Doctor,
removing shrapnel
from that liver.
Thank you. I was graded
quite highly in liver.
I didn't know you had
a sense of humor.
I haven't.
I suppose you've
performed that operation
a hundred times.
Hardly. There's
very little shrapnel
flying around Boston.
You do have
a sense of humor.
Humor is the opiate
of the incompetent.
Terrific words just roll
right out of your mouth.
It must be wonderful.
No, my dear.
Brilliance can be
very lonely.
Things are getting
a dark gray.
The room is swimming.
I'm going, I'm going.
Save the towels.
Oh, Klinger.
Pay no attention.
It's a new
discharge ploy.
Big mistake.
Always know your audience.
I hate a guy who stays
through two shows.
[moaning]
Something wrong?
My eye.
I think there's
something in my eye.
Would you mind?
Huh.
I'll get closer.
I see no foreign matter.
You have such small pores.
A Winchester
never perspires.
There's absolutely
nothing in your eye.
I can feel it.
I'll check again.
Oh, terribly sorry.
I didn't mean
to interrupt.
Oh, dear.
Father, there's no need
for "Oh, dear."
I'm a married woman.
Oh, yes, of course.
I forgot.
Well, pax vobiscum.
I'm not sure he believes
there was no hanky-panky.
Well, there wasn't.
Then why are you sweating?
I can see her now,
checking her watch
-for the 60th time this minute.
-Watch what you're doing.
You'll turn yourself
into a living statue.
I got to get to Seoul.
As long as you're
plastering yourself,
you might as well
do the walls too.
Colonel, I got to talk to you.
Hurry up before that stuff
in your mouth hardens.
What do I have to do
to get out of here?
I operated on 30 people.
I've bandaged everybody
in post-op three times.
I repaired
the anesthesia machine.
I've mixed enough plaster
of Paris to plaster Paris.
And speaking of Paris,
if I don't amour toujours
in Seoul ce soir,
you're gonna have an unknown
soldier on your hands.
Okay, I'll stand in for you.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'd give you a hug,
but in my condition,
I might not be able to stop.
B.J., Corporal Graham's
bleeding and going into shock.
I'll have
to open him up again.
Go!
Sorry, son.
Who's complaining?
Look at me.
I'm one foot closer
to Seoul.
CHARLES: Our spiritual guide
through this Oriental
purgatory
is a cockeyed optimist
who sounds like Dennis Day.
-Ah!
-Hello.
Good news, Major.
-Hot water thawed?
-Better.
One of your patients
will recover.
Don't pull your cross
on me, Lieutenant.
Oh! Forgive me.
What I mean is Doren,
that highly critical patient,
was saved by your operation.
Oh.
My prayers were answered.
-Thank God.
-Thank me, Father.
I'd prefer to think
that my surgical
skills are responsible.
Aha! That's
what I prayed for.
One of my tentmates
is a relatively
inoffensive chap
named B.J. Hunnicut.
Excellent surgeon,
in spite of the fact
that he was born, raised,
and studied in...
California.
Notwithstanding,
he's certainly no adult
delinquent like Pierce.
I was quite touched
by Hunnicut's concern
for my mysterious loss
of weight a month ago.
Hunnicut.
Winchester.
Where's your friend
Pierce?
Today's Thursday.
So?
Nurses hang their underwear
on the line.
He takes a sandwich
and makes a day of it.
Nudist magazines,
underwear watching.
Why this constant
preoccupation with sex?
Lack of occupationwith sex.
Humph.
Good Lord.
What's the matter?
Well, I never
noticed it before.
I seem to have
dropped some weight.
You certainly have.
Must not be eating enough.
I can't stand the food.
Tell you
what you got to do.
When you've been here
as long as I have,
you learn to use
internal propaganda.
Your brain has to teach
your taste buds
to lie to your stomach.
You've made
that adjustment?
Not necessary for me.
My wife's a lousy cook.
Oh, come now.
Really?
You don't believe me?
Try some of this cake,
but be careful.
See?
Now wait,
this isn't bad.
Really?
In fact, it's delicious.
Very good.
You catch on fast.
Have some more.
One piece, perhaps.
Take the whole thing.
-I couldn't.
-Please.
Thank you.
My...
this food is...
disappointing.
Forgive the cook,
Father,
for he knows not
what he does.
That's a great deal
of food, Major.
Man's been losing weight,
Father, wasting away.
He looks the same to me.
Looks the same,
you say?
This frail,
emaciated nebbish
is not the same
robust surgeon
who recently
swelled our ranks.
Put a little pepper
in your powdered eggs.
Kills
the warehouse flavor.
I still can't see
any difference.
Father, observe
the hollowed cheeks,
sunken eyes.
Soon you could play
xylophone on these ribs.
Oh, that burns.
I'll take that
sweet roll, Hunnicut.
Be my guest, Charles.
We'll have those pants
filled out in no time.
Here. Take this.
-Potato?
-Rumor has it.
Drink your milk,
Charles.
Thank you, Hunnicut.
Don't talk with
your mouth full.
Eat, eat.
All clear.
Now whose are these?
Levine's.
Bean pole Levine?
The same.
I'm glad you're
not my enemy.
Never assume.
Check the door.
Clap hands.
Here comes Charlie.
[laughing]
Shh!
You're a vicious fiend.
-Worse than you?
-By far.
Nicest thing you ever
said to me. Thank you.
-Oh, my pleasure.
-My pleasure.
Any time.
Do I actually hear
the sound of manners?
This is a recording.
Of course.
Hey.
Hmm?
Does this look
like fungus?
You're going to meet
a curly-headed woman
with a large mole
and a Desoto sedan.
Fulcrum
school of comedy.
Raise your arms
and lower the humor.
You all right,
Charles?
Everything okay?
Uh, I...
can't seem to button
my trousers.
You've forgotten how?
No. It's just
that I have been
eating like a horse
for the past month.
I seem to have put
about three inches...
around the... middle.
Well, I'd say
it's time for a diet.
Maybe some exercise.
Yes, and now.
-Now.
-Mm-hmm.
So, uh, what's next
with him?
Starting tomorrow,
he gets taller.
What a time to get hit
with another load of wounded.
I should have been in Seoul
in Gilmore's arms last night.
She'll keep.
If room service
doesn't run out of ice.
More silk. More 3.0 silk.
Come on, hurry.
Slow down, hot pants.
This will be your last
patient. I promise.
Anybody need any help?
Father,
would you run down
to the Regency Hotel
in Seoul
and keep a young lady
company till I get there?
You I can trust.
I'm afraid she'll have to
settle for the Gideon Bible.
Now you see here
what I've done here is
I've done the anastomosis
in two layers,
a chromic for the mucosa,
and silk for the cirrosa.
This way, you see, it won't
have to be redone later.
Come on, Charles.
You're taking twice as long
with that guy as necessary.
Patch them up
and save their lives.
Let Tokyo General
press the lapels.
If it wasn't for you,
I could have been
out of here an hour ago.
I am merely sharing my expertise
with the less learned.
Oh, put it in a sack.
Klinger!
Somewhere
through a misty haze
I hear my name called.
Any more patients
out there?
-Just one.
-Bring him in.
He's here.
Up! Up!
One more phony faint,
and you're
on the front lines.
Get this patient
into post-op.
Sir, you're turning mean.
After 12 hours
of surgery,
what do you expect--
Albert Schweitzer?
Out! Out!
Need any help, Pierce?
Almost finished.
Ah! A scar is born.
And with that,
I bid you a hasty adieu.
Bye, all.
Your jeep will be here
in a minute.
Klinger, I thank you,
and Nancy thanks you,
if she's still speaking to us.
You know, that uniform
looks great.
-It's one of a kind.
-Uh-huh.
My mother made it for me
for the school play
out of crepe paper.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your...
[jeep approaching]
[horn honking]
Captain.
Captain!
Captain Pierce?
Hey, Captain, time to go.
Come on. You know.
Thanks, Nancy.
Finally, a peaceful moment
to conclude this tape.
The would-be Lothario,
Pierce, is sound asleep,
and the 38-hour day is done.
Now, Mother and Dad,
I will put this as eloquently
and succinctly... as possible.
Get me the hell out of here!
♪♪ [theme]
CHARLES:
Dear Mother and Dad,
I've only been here
a short while,
but it seems forever.
MASH 4077 is truly
a nightmare.
It is either too cold...
or it is unbearably hot.
I needn't tell you again.
I won't be happy
until I am out of here.
I have even contemplated
shooting myself in the foot.
But you know how much I enjoy
the annual deb's cotillion.
Mail!
Hunnicut, Hunnicut, Hunnicut.
Pierce.
And two for our high-class
society Major Winchester.
Klinger, you are
really full of it.
We are what we eat, sir.
Ha!
Almost forgot--
Captain Pierce's
nudist magazine.
Hmm, a nudist wedding.
The bride is wearing
white sneakers.
My Lord.
Sir?
My nephew Felix
is being discharged
from the service
because
of fainting spells.
Really, sir?
Mm-hmm.
They're very strange.
Everything seems to go
sort of dark gray...
Yes, yes?
And then he experiences
dizziness...
Go on.
And then he swoons
and, uh, passes out.
Ohhh!
Klinger, come off it.
When a person faints,
he falls forward.
False alarm.
[groans]
Mail!
Somebody sent me
a person.
Come on, Klinger, up, up.
-Where am I?
-Let's go, up.
Oh, Captain Pierce.
You got here
just in time.
-The craziest thing happened.
-Oh, yeah?
Suddenly, everything
went a dark gray.
Then I experienced dizziness.
Then I fainted,
falling forward.
-What is that?
-I think you got a whiff
of your own breath.
Sorry. My mother
sent me a garlic pie.
Want dibs?
I had an apple
on the train.
Attention, all personnel--
Colonel Potter speaking.
Klinger, where
the hell's the mail?
I love that man.
Uh-oh.
Peg got poison oak.
-Where?
-In the woods.
That can be painful.
Mm. Frazier Continental
down seven points.
B.J.:
Who they playing?
A major financial loss
is hardly a laughing matter.
I apologize.
Do you expect me
to believe that?
I wouldn't if I were you.
This is incredible!
-What what?
-I'm going to heaven.
That isincredible.
Beej, you remember
Nurse Gilmore?
She was engaged
to the Navy dentist.
Well, she just became
disengaged.
All of a sudden,
the red light has
turned green,
and she's inviting me
to spend the weekend
with her in Seoul.
Sounds like she's making
a three-day pass at you.
I can't believe it.
To think that someone
with such grace, wit,
sensibility,
intelligence, and charm
would be sending
for little old me.
Who'd have thought it?
Certainly not I.
This woman has
the patent on wonderful.
Smell that.
Is she wonderful?
Yeah, wonderful.
Oh, that's wonderful.
A pity you have to decline
the invitation, Pierce.
You are officer of the day
all weekend.
Beej, take O.D. For me.
I can't, I'm in O.R.
[chuckling]
Charles, come on,
as a friend.
Not even as an enemy.
Charles!
Sorry.
O.D.-- odious duty.
I've already done mine.
Weekend's your turn.
Look, I'll take all your duty
for the next three days
if you'll just work
this weekend.
I hate working weekends.
What difference does it make?
Every day
is a holiday in Korea.
It's just the thought.
I'll let you
use my after shave.
Kerosene makes me break out.
Money?
You can't buy me.
How much?
How much did you lose
on the Frazier
Continental thing?
-$4,000.
-Deal.
Come on. How much
have you really got?
$12.80.
Ha! Boutonniere money.
-He'll owe you the rest.
-Sorry.
Charles, you don't understand!
This woman-- She--
Roses have fistfights to see
who could smell like her.
Her wit is so sharp,
you could shave with it.
When they heard the sound
of her laughter,
six nightingales
got out of the business.
This-- She's got--
All right, all right,
all right.
I'm giving in
merely because
I can use a three-day
vacation from you.
Now please
don't get the idea
that I'm doing it
because I'm generous,
or worse, amiable.
Trust me, no one
will ever think of you
as anything
but completely rotten.
Thank you.
Hee hee hee!
Listen, I need
some clean shirts.
The laundry lady
broke her rock.
Why don't these people
get a service contract?
I need shirts, shorts,
socks, and a jeep.
What size jeep?
34, loose in the seat.
You could use a haircut.
Let's see Klinger
about the jeep.
How's my nostril hair?
I'd look, but I'm
afraid of the dark.
Sorry. A brief interruption.
Pierce and Hunnicut
were regaling each other
with their version of wit,
dirty laundry, and nose hair.
Constant exposure to these
two cretins annoys me
and aggravates my--
my misery
more than I can tell you.
But, always hopeful,
I'm endearing myself
to the C.O., the man
responsible for my presence
in this... cesspool.
He's a tough, bandy-legged
little mustang,
but guess what.
He paints.
He's somewhat
of a primitive.
He's no Churchill, surely.
But I have agreed
to pose for him.
Raise your chin
a little, Winchester.
Boy, you've got a tough ear.
It's all lobe.
Dad's.
Fat-eared cuss, eh?
May I... speak, sir?
As long as you don't
move that ear.
Sir, I have been here
interminably.
Time flies
when you've got good duty.
Sir, you don't
understand.
I feel that
my talents are such--
-I cleaned your brushes, sir.
-Good man.
Couldn't find
any turpentine,
so I used
yesterday's soup.
Cleanest they've been
in years.
Gee, that's wonderful, sir.
-Thank you.
-Who is that?
Guess.
I better go polish
your horse.
As I was saying, sir,
I feel I could be
more useful in Tokyo
or even... the States.
Not to me, Commissioner.
This meatball surgery
of yours
is causing my skills
to deteriorate.
They're wasting away.
Don't change the color
of your face!
I'm out of umber!
And I'm out of patience!
This place is driving me mad!
Cool off, Winchester!
How can I cool off
in this godforsaken pesthole?
You're here,
so get used to it.
You haven't lifted a finger
to get me transferred.
That's right,
and I don't intend to.
I certainly think
you ought to consider--
Not again, Major! I've had
enough of your beefing!
I need you here,
and you'll stay here
like the rest of us.
Here. Your face is finished.
Father, you must know
someone influential.
I know.
What about that former
brigadier general
who's now a doorman
at The Plaza?
I understand he's very close
to Arthur Godfrey.
Well, keep trying.
Please.
Interesting thing
about military units.
Quite often, one discovers
that the actual
day-to-day routine
is dependent upon
one small enlisted man.
Here at 4077,
it's a myopic farm boy--
Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
Okay,
there's a razor in here
and some shaving cream
and a toothbrush.
Oh, by the way,
I got you two T-shirts
from the officers' supply.
-Oh, gee. That's really--
-Shh, shh.
If anybody found out,
I wouldn't be allowed
to see the movie
for a month.
Oh. Shh.
Saturday's Bogart.
[imitating Bogart]
Waiter,
if me and the boys
wanted to eat mucilage,
we would have
ordered mucilage.
Listen, remember what
Captain Hunnicut said
about your pills.
The purple ones are for pain.
That's P for pain,
P for purple.
The white ones
are for sleep.
W for white,
W for sleep.
W for...
Well, you can work that out.
All that's on the bottles.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea.
Okay, your bus
leaves in an hour.
Get to the departure
lounge early.
That's the dead tree
by the latrine.
Listen, Corporal,
my buddy in that bed
leaves tomorrow.
Can I stay one more day
and go with him?
We've been together
since basic.
Oh, sure. I could
work that out.
Certainly not. You go when
you're scheduled, soldier.
Thanks for nothing.
Don't worry about him.
I can fix it.
Oh. Captain!
He's the chief surgeon.
What is it, Radar?
I'm in a hurry.
I got to get
my body to Seoul.
Yes, sir. McCloud wants
to wait till tomorrow
and go home
with his buddy,
but Major Winchester says
he's got to go today.
Winchester, Winchester.
Tall chap.
Looks like a cat who's
swallowed a sour mouse?
Don't worry about it.
Go tomorrow.
What does the war care?
Hey, thank you, sir.
Say, you carry a lot
of weight around here.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, listen,
while you're waiting,
have you seen
our cockroach collection?
Uh, no.
Takes an hour, but it's
well worth your time.
The humidity here
is disastrous.
Please send me some deodorant.
I don't care about the others,
I don't want
to offend myself.
To continue
about Corporal O'Reilly,
I upset him the other day,
which I can ill-afford to do.
His telephone is my sole contact
with the outside world.
I must attempt to mollify him
and try to contact Tokyo.
Corporal, I was rather harsh
with you in post-op. Remember?
Well, I brought you this case
of grape Nehi as an apology.
Oh, grape Nehi. At Rosie's
it costs me a buck a bottle.
Price is no object
when you're doing
something for a friend.
-Colonel Potter
says no long distance--
-I want to make a call--
-...phone calls.
-...to Colonel Baldwin
in Seoul.
How did you know
I was gonna say that?
That's why they
call me Radar.
-This is an emergency.
-Even in an emergency.
Can you tell me what I'm
about to say now?
Yes, sir,
but I promised Father Mulcahy
I wouldn't use those words.
-[door slamming]
-[bottle top popping open]
Come on, Beej,
you've got to have
a pair of pajamas.
Look around. You had a pair
when you got here.
I had a lot of things
when I got here--
Faith, hope,
sanity, a liver.
Aah! Ew! Charming.
I wouldn't wear that.
You're right,
it's too hot for fur.
-Wait, wait, wait!
-What, what, what?
Don't throw it
toward the kitchen.
You know how they are.
Eww! Ugh!
Oh, good, one down,
two to go.
Charlie, you got pajamas.
Just lend me one pair.
-No.
-Just the tops.
-No.
-The bottoms.
-You can keep the string.
-Forget it.
All right, but you're
no longer my best friend.
-What about you?
-No pajamas, Hawk.
You'll have to rely
on your personality.
-Got you a jeep. -Great.
Klinger, can you
loan him some pajamas?
No, but I got a lovely
low-cut peignoir,
chickadee red,
with oriental peacocks
embroidered
over each breast.
Sounds pretty risqué.
It should be for eight
books of green stamps.
Get out of here!
Socks, shorts, shirts...
after shave.
Be my guest.
Babalu number five.
One for the master,
one for the desk clerk,
and one for the little girl
who waits in the room.
Laundry.
Oh, good!
You got your rock fixed.
Five bucks.
See him.
Five bucks.
He gets the cleaning,
and I get cleaned.
Shirts, socks, shorts.
Ahh! Pajamas!
Those are mine, Pierce.
Just for two nights.
My mother gave me these
for my birthday.
It's time they went
to a party.
Pierce--
with my compliments.
Man [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Oh, no, no, no!
I'm going to Seoul.
-Let's go, lover.
-You don't understand.
Gilmore, roses,
nightingales, room service.
No, no, no. O.R., blood,
sutures, scalpels.
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
Dad, you have got
to get me out of here.
Talk to Senator Grizwald.
After all, you paid
good money for him.
I am doing my best... to...
adjust to these
bizarre people.
There is a transvestite
corporal
with dreadful taste in clothes,
and a head nurse
who is part seductress
and part Attila the Hun.
You did beautifully,
Doctor,
removing shrapnel
from that liver.
Thank you. I was graded
quite highly in liver.
I didn't know you had
a sense of humor.
I haven't.
I suppose you've
performed that operation
a hundred times.
Hardly. There's
very little shrapnel
flying around Boston.
You do have
a sense of humor.
Humor is the opiate
of the incompetent.
Terrific words just roll
right out of your mouth.
It must be wonderful.
No, my dear.
Brilliance can be
very lonely.
Things are getting
a dark gray.
The room is swimming.
I'm going, I'm going.
Save the towels.
Oh, Klinger.
Pay no attention.
It's a new
discharge ploy.
Big mistake.
Always know your audience.
I hate a guy who stays
through two shows.
[moaning]
Something wrong?
My eye.
I think there's
something in my eye.
Would you mind?
Huh.
I'll get closer.
I see no foreign matter.
You have such small pores.
A Winchester
never perspires.
There's absolutely
nothing in your eye.
I can feel it.
I'll check again.
Oh, terribly sorry.
I didn't mean
to interrupt.
Oh, dear.
Father, there's no need
for "Oh, dear."
I'm a married woman.
Oh, yes, of course.
I forgot.
Well, pax vobiscum.
I'm not sure he believes
there was no hanky-panky.
Well, there wasn't.
Then why are you sweating?
I can see her now,
checking her watch
-for the 60th time this minute.
-Watch what you're doing.
You'll turn yourself
into a living statue.
I got to get to Seoul.
As long as you're
plastering yourself,
you might as well
do the walls too.
Colonel, I got to talk to you.
Hurry up before that stuff
in your mouth hardens.
What do I have to do
to get out of here?
I operated on 30 people.
I've bandaged everybody
in post-op three times.
I repaired
the anesthesia machine.
I've mixed enough plaster
of Paris to plaster Paris.
And speaking of Paris,
if I don't amour toujours
in Seoul ce soir,
you're gonna have an unknown
soldier on your hands.
Okay, I'll stand in for you.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'd give you a hug,
but in my condition,
I might not be able to stop.
B.J., Corporal Graham's
bleeding and going into shock.
I'll have
to open him up again.
Go!
Sorry, son.
Who's complaining?
Look at me.
I'm one foot closer
to Seoul.
CHARLES: Our spiritual guide
through this Oriental
purgatory
is a cockeyed optimist
who sounds like Dennis Day.
-Ah!
-Hello.
Good news, Major.
-Hot water thawed?
-Better.
One of your patients
will recover.
Don't pull your cross
on me, Lieutenant.
Oh! Forgive me.
What I mean is Doren,
that highly critical patient,
was saved by your operation.
Oh.
My prayers were answered.
-Thank God.
-Thank me, Father.
I'd prefer to think
that my surgical
skills are responsible.
Aha! That's
what I prayed for.
One of my tentmates
is a relatively
inoffensive chap
named B.J. Hunnicut.
Excellent surgeon,
in spite of the fact
that he was born, raised,
and studied in...
California.
Notwithstanding,
he's certainly no adult
delinquent like Pierce.
I was quite touched
by Hunnicut's concern
for my mysterious loss
of weight a month ago.
Hunnicut.
Winchester.
Where's your friend
Pierce?
Today's Thursday.
So?
Nurses hang their underwear
on the line.
He takes a sandwich
and makes a day of it.
Nudist magazines,
underwear watching.
Why this constant
preoccupation with sex?
Lack of occupationwith sex.
Humph.
Good Lord.
What's the matter?
Well, I never
noticed it before.
I seem to have
dropped some weight.
You certainly have.
Must not be eating enough.
I can't stand the food.
Tell you
what you got to do.
When you've been here
as long as I have,
you learn to use
internal propaganda.
Your brain has to teach
your taste buds
to lie to your stomach.
You've made
that adjustment?
Not necessary for me.
My wife's a lousy cook.
Oh, come now.
Really?
You don't believe me?
Try some of this cake,
but be careful.
See?
Now wait,
this isn't bad.
Really?
In fact, it's delicious.
Very good.
You catch on fast.
Have some more.
One piece, perhaps.
Take the whole thing.
-I couldn't.
-Please.
Thank you.
My...
this food is...
disappointing.
Forgive the cook,
Father,
for he knows not
what he does.
That's a great deal
of food, Major.
Man's been losing weight,
Father, wasting away.
He looks the same to me.
Looks the same,
you say?
This frail,
emaciated nebbish
is not the same
robust surgeon
who recently
swelled our ranks.
Put a little pepper
in your powdered eggs.
Kills
the warehouse flavor.
I still can't see
any difference.
Father, observe
the hollowed cheeks,
sunken eyes.
Soon you could play
xylophone on these ribs.
Oh, that burns.
I'll take that
sweet roll, Hunnicut.
Be my guest, Charles.
We'll have those pants
filled out in no time.
Here. Take this.
-Potato?
-Rumor has it.
Drink your milk,
Charles.
Thank you, Hunnicut.
Don't talk with
your mouth full.
Eat, eat.
All clear.
Now whose are these?
Levine's.
Bean pole Levine?
The same.
I'm glad you're
not my enemy.
Never assume.
Check the door.
Clap hands.
Here comes Charlie.
[laughing]
Shh!
You're a vicious fiend.
-Worse than you?
-By far.
Nicest thing you ever
said to me. Thank you.
-Oh, my pleasure.
-My pleasure.
Any time.
Do I actually hear
the sound of manners?
This is a recording.
Of course.
Hey.
Hmm?
Does this look
like fungus?
You're going to meet
a curly-headed woman
with a large mole
and a Desoto sedan.
Fulcrum
school of comedy.
Raise your arms
and lower the humor.
You all right,
Charles?
Everything okay?
Uh, I...
can't seem to button
my trousers.
You've forgotten how?
No. It's just
that I have been
eating like a horse
for the past month.
I seem to have put
about three inches...
around the... middle.
Well, I'd say
it's time for a diet.
Maybe some exercise.
Yes, and now.
-Now.
-Mm-hmm.
So, uh, what's next
with him?
Starting tomorrow,
he gets taller.
What a time to get hit
with another load of wounded.
I should have been in Seoul
in Gilmore's arms last night.
She'll keep.
If room service
doesn't run out of ice.
More silk. More 3.0 silk.
Come on, hurry.
Slow down, hot pants.
This will be your last
patient. I promise.
Anybody need any help?
Father,
would you run down
to the Regency Hotel
in Seoul
and keep a young lady
company till I get there?
You I can trust.
I'm afraid she'll have to
settle for the Gideon Bible.
Now you see here
what I've done here is
I've done the anastomosis
in two layers,
a chromic for the mucosa,
and silk for the cirrosa.
This way, you see, it won't
have to be redone later.
Come on, Charles.
You're taking twice as long
with that guy as necessary.
Patch them up
and save their lives.
Let Tokyo General
press the lapels.
If it wasn't for you,
I could have been
out of here an hour ago.
I am merely sharing my expertise
with the less learned.
Oh, put it in a sack.
Klinger!
Somewhere
through a misty haze
I hear my name called.
Any more patients
out there?
-Just one.
-Bring him in.
He's here.
Up! Up!
One more phony faint,
and you're
on the front lines.
Get this patient
into post-op.
Sir, you're turning mean.
After 12 hours
of surgery,
what do you expect--
Albert Schweitzer?
Out! Out!
Need any help, Pierce?
Almost finished.
Ah! A scar is born.
And with that,
I bid you a hasty adieu.
Bye, all.
Your jeep will be here
in a minute.
Klinger, I thank you,
and Nancy thanks you,
if she's still speaking to us.
You know, that uniform
looks great.
-It's one of a kind.
-Uh-huh.
My mother made it for me
for the school play
out of crepe paper.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your...
[jeep approaching]
[horn honking]
Captain.
Captain!
Captain Pierce?
Hey, Captain, time to go.
Come on. You know.
Thanks, Nancy.
Finally, a peaceful moment
to conclude this tape.
The would-be Lothario,
Pierce, is sound asleep,
and the 38-hour day is done.
Now, Mother and Dad,
I will put this as eloquently
and succinctly... as possible.
Get me the hell out of here!
♪♪ [theme]