M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 4 - War of Nerves - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Attention,
all personnel.

You're not gonna
believe this, folks,

but there's a new shipment
of wounded in the compound.

Please report for triage.

I told you
you wouldn't believe it.

We've got
multiple compound fractures,
and severe abdominal trauma.

This guy better go first.

I got a sucking chest
in the balcony, Doctor.

This guy better go
before first.

Whole blood
and prep him, stat.



-Get that down tight, will ya?
-Yes.

Sidney, what are you
doing here?

I don't know. I thought I was
getting on the cross-town bus.

Do you give transfers here?

How did you get this red stuff
all over your head?

Well, you might find it
hard to believe,

but I was doing therapy
in a foxhole

with that boy.

We started to get overrun by
some of those Chinese fellas.

Oh, group therapy.

Then to discourage
the Chinese,

our artillery started
lobbing shells into the area.

That discouraged all of us.

-How's my tuchus?
-Fine.
Just a little diaper rash.



Get the clothes off these
Chinese patients,

add 'em to
the Chinese uniforms we got
from our last session,

-and burn 'em.
They're infested.
-Yes, sir.

Sidney, what happened?

Well,
it's a long story,

but it's the last house call
I'll ever make.

When I first saw this boy,
he had to be carried into
my office.

He wasn't wounded. He'd seen
three of his buddies killed
in 24 hours.

Hysterical paralysis.
How'd you get him back
to the front?

We used to send
these cases home.

-The problems just stuck
with them all their lives.
-Hmm.

But if the trauma
is recent enough

and the defenses haven't
built up to the point where
they'll resist treatment,

-it'll yield to talking.
-Hmm.

But you gotta get them
right back to their unit.

So how come you wound up
in the foxhole?

Doing a follow-up.
You can't just send
them out and forget 'em.

Major Winchester,
I'm terribly sorry.

Would you mind stepping outside
and scrubbing up?

[chuckling]
I kind of doubt that'll be
necessary, Major.

I just spent seven and a half
minutes scrubbing.

-Yes, but that was before
you touched your nose.
-I beg your pardon.

Your nose.
You touched your nose.
You're no longer sterile.

If you operate now,
you'll contaminate the field.

Of course. That is precisely
what I would do, if in fact

I had touched my nose,
which I didn't.

Major, I saw you
touch your nose!

Major, do you think
my face is insensate?

Don't you think if
I had touched my nose,
I would have felt it?

I just felt
something over my lip.
Maybe you touched my nose.

You touch his nose, Charles,
you'll have to marry him.

Colonel Potter, I clearly saw
Major Winchester touch his nose.

-You naughty boy.
-Colonel, I refuse to spend

another seven and a half minutes
scrubbing up

because of this woman's
paranoid hallucinations!

She's a pretty good observer,
Winchester.

I did not touch my no--
I did not touch my nose.

You did touch your nose!
I saw you touch your nose!

It's the battle of the noses,
ladies and gentlemen.
Who do you think is ahead?

Well, Winchester
was ahead for a while,

-but he blew it.
-Say, that's disgusting.

How am I expected
to operate in here

if I must continually leave
to wash my hands?

-ALL: Don't touch your nose!
-CHARLES: Idiots.

Careful you don't scald yourself
with that coffee, Major.

You have definite problems
with depth perception.

Oh, I know what I saw, Major.
A nose is a nose is a nose.

Where are you two kids
gonna be eating?

I'd like to sit
on the other side of Korea.

-Why don't you stuff it?
-What are you getting mad
at me for?

-I didn't touch my nose.
-But youdid.

-No, I did not.
-You did.

-You most certainly did!
-I did not touch my nose!

Excuse me, sir.
Mommy's got dinner ready,
but I can't find my daddy.

He's this big hairy man
in an undershirt.

Fascinating case, eh, Sidney?
What do you make of it?

Well, it's either a serious
regression to childhood

or possibly some kind
of borderline schizophrenia.

Regression. That one.
All of a sudden
I feel real small, you know?

Maybe I should sit down
and tell you about it.

I'm so glad we're not
late for the dinner show.

Toast of Broadway
strikes again.

-I got it. Smell this.
-Oh, come on.
Don't start with me.

-I know what it smells like.
-I mean it. I can't eat
if you do that.

Just take a sniff.

If you took a raw egg
and buried it in a shoe
under a chicken coop.

I told you not to do that!
How am I gonna eat this stuff?

-Am I right? But a brown egg.
A brown egg, right?
-Will you shut up?

Who gave you permission to steal
my personal private property?

I'll tell my daddy
you did that.

He's got big long
hairy arms.

So's your old man.

Radar, I need it.
It proves I'm crazy.

Major Freedman
said so himself.

Oh! t proves you're crazy
'cause you carry a teddy bear,
huh?

Will you stop
tryin' to queer this,
I'm halfway home?

How'd ya like to get
knocked all the way home?

Smell this.

Will you, for crying out loud,
stop making me smell your food?

-I can't eat as it is!
-You know, you're completely
deficient in imagination.

-You're completely deficient.
-Let's have it quiet in here.

-Look what you're doin'!
You're hurting him!
-I haven't done a thing!

Let's calm down.

-Just give it a little try.
Come on.
-No!

-If anyone touched
my nose, you did!
-Huh!

I wouldn't touch your nose
with a ten-foot pole!

-Hello. Testing.
-[loud chattering]

-One, two, three.
-[chattering continues]

Sidney, wait up.

I'm kind of glad you're here.
These people are fallin' apart.

-How long they been
acting like that?
-Couple of weeks.

No rest.
Nothin' but work.

This unit is running
as smoothly as a pig on stilts.

It was a little quieter
in that foxhole this morning.

Sidney, what would you say
to seeing a few of the folk...

-on an informal basis while
you're here?
-Sure. Why not?

Use the V.I.P. tent.
I'll discreetly direct a few
of the loonier ones your way.

Just make sure they come in
one at a time.

Listen, I'm no head doctor,
but I think they need a little
diversion.

You know, something to break
the routine.

Some square dancing or some--

Sure! Square dancing.
That's the ticket!

-They're kind of exhausted...
-Look, I'm their commanding
officer.

If I say dance, they hoof.

Did you hear what I said?

Maybe you better
save an hour for me.

Watch out, Major.
We're gonna light
a fire here. So stand back.

Will you hold on?
I got another load
to put on there.

So put it on. What do I care?
I wanna go to dinner.

-I haven't eaten
since reveille.
-What's the fire for?

We're burning
the Chinese uniforms.
They're infested.

If we had to burn every louse
in this camp,
we'd have to burn this camp.

Look, I just wanna
do my job and go and eat.

-Am I stoppin' you?
-You keep passin' remarks
back and forth.

Trouble with you is
you're too sensitive!

-[knocking]
-SIDNEY: Come in.

I hope I'm not
disturbing you, Major.

Not at all.
Nice to see you, Major.

Well, I'm here primarily
as a favor to Colonel Potter.

Sure. What's up?

I have a problem by the name
of Charles Emerson Winchester.

Winchester is your problem?

-He's insane.
-Really?

He has no grasp of reality.

[chuckling]

For instance, uh,
just to give you an example--

It's insignificant really.

He touched his nose in surgery
and won't admit it!

Is that crazy,
or is that crazy?

Classic. How often
does he go for his nose?

The point is he denies it!

He's completely irrational!

How do I know what
he'll try to touch next?

Aha!

What's that supposed to mean?

"Aha." I know an "aha"
when I hear one.

-You think I'm infatuated
with him, don't you?
-Is that what I think?

Well, let me set your mind
at ease, Major.

The only reason he goes
for his nose is because

it's the only living thing
around here that would have him!

Oh, I don't know.
He seems like a decent person.

Intelligent,
a certain amount of wit.

And money.
Let's not forget his money,

which he's constantly
flaunting in front of us

with his laundered hankies
and his monogrammed caviar.

-I suppose you think
I find money attractive.
-I have no idea.

Money is far down
on my list, Major.

Money comes second,
maybe even third.

Second.

Anyway, the man is
totally self-absorbed!

What do you think of him?

Well, he seems
basically normal.

-Uh-huh. In other words
you think he's crazy about me.
-I do?

Well, I just wouldn't
be too sure about that
if I were you.

-[knocking]
-Come in.

Uh, if you have any more pain,
Major, just take some aspirin.

Oh, thank you, Margaret.

I'll go now. I'm sure
you have some sort of...

mental problem to discuss.

Now I ask you.
Did I say anything
to provoke that?

I tell you, Major,

that woman is verging
on a very serious breakdown.

If I had any confidence
at all in psychiatry--

[chuckles]

...I would recommend,
uh, treatment.

Thank you.

Was there anything else
you wanted to talk about?

Hardly.

I do not intend to be part
of Colonel Potter's
psychiatric cattle drive.

I just dropped by to say
that I won't be dropping by.

Would dropping by
make you uncomfortable?

No. Don't waste your clinical
come-on with me, Doctor.

I had my fill of psychiatrists
at the age of nine.

And no, I don't
care to talk about it.

Look, the point is...

she is the one
who is obsessed.

She watches my every movement.

My body seems to be
of intense interest to her.

Which I suppose you find,
uh, very revealing, right?

Hmm. In other words,
the woman's crazy about me. Huh?

Please, don't make me laugh.

I don't know whatever
got into me.

Okay, let's light it.

Come on. Come on.
What are you waitin' for?

You know, if we toss
this crate on over there...

it could really
be a nice little fire.

Yeah. Right. Nice.

Tom, you're gonna be fine.
You'll need a little more
surgery down in Seoul,

and some rehabilitative therapy,
but you're gonna walk.

Well, I don't know
if you guys take tips,

but my dad is the king
of the hardware business
in Cleveland.

You need a sink or anything,
I can get you a dozen.

-King of the hardware business.
Maybe he can get us a throne.
-You name it.

-Why don't you get
a little rest, okay?
-We'll check you later.

Okay. If I'm not here,
I've just gone dancing.

-Sidney.
-How's the kid?

-Oh, you gotta see him.
-He's doing great.

I can't believe he was
a basket case a week ago.

He's cheerful. He's joking.
I don't know how you did it.

The big thing is getting them
back to the front as fast as
possible. It really works.

Come on in.
You're in for a real treat.

How ya feelin', Tom?

How am I feelin'?

You crud! I'll tell you
how I'm feelin'.

I feel like I had
my damn legs blown off!

How do you think
I'm feelin'?

I'd be back home walkin'
around on two good legs

if you hadn't sent me back
to that ridge.

Tom, you were able
to walk back to the ridge

because of the work
we did together.

Why don't we talk about it
for a few minutes?

Don't come near me, you butcher.
Now, I'm telling you.

You get him outta here,
or I am gonna wreck this place.

If you change your mind,
I'll be in my tent.

Well, you seem to be
getting your strength back.

Anything we can get you...
A baseball bat? A crowbar?

Sorry I raised my voice
back there, Doc.

I want you guys to know
that I'm grateful
for what you did for me.

Good night.

Klinger.

My, how you've grown.
Seems like just this morning

you were a little girl
in Mary Janes.

Can I talk to you, Major.
I hear you got your shingle out.

I realize I've only told
you about a 112 times,

but I can't help you with
the Section Eight routine,
Klinger.

Oh, I don't wanna talk
about getting out.

I wanna talk about
being crazy.

Well, this is a novel approach.
Go on.

No, I mean it.
I'm afraid I'm going crazy.

-You want me to lie down?
-What's the problem?

Well, I look at myself
in the mirror lately,
and I see this guy

in earrings, pillbox hat,
veil...

maybe a little choker
of pearls.

And I ask myself:

"Would a sane man dress
like this?"

I'm tryin' to convince them,
and I'm convincing myself.

-You're actually worried?
-Major, I think I'm really
goin' nuts.

Gina Lollobrigida used
to make me drool,

and last week
I looked at a picture

of this beautiful,
voluptuous woman

and all I could think of was

"How could she wear
a peasant blouse
with a tweed skirt?"

Now is that "el flippo"
or what?

Look, you're in the crazy
business.

Fashion consciousness is just
a tool of the trade.

Doc, I go to sleep wondering
if my pleats will hold out
for another day.

My palms got sweaty
last week when I read that

cocktail-length hems
are going longer in the back,

and I just don't have
the material.

Now that's sane, right?

Klinger,
let me ask you something.

Why do you want
to get out of here?

Why? Well, there's,
there's lots of reasons.

I guess death tops the list.
I don't want to die.

And I don't want to look at
other people while they do it.

And I don't want to be told
where to stand while it
happens to me.

And I don't want to be told
how to do it to somebody else.

And I ain't gonna. Period.
That's it. I'm gettin' out.

You don't like death.

Overall, I'd rather lay
in a hammock

with a couple of girls
than be dead. Yes.

Listen, Klinger.
You're not crazy.

I'm not? Really?

You're a tribute
to man's endurance.

A monument to hope
in size 12 pumps.

I hope you do get out someday.

There would be a battalion
of men in hoopskirts
right behind you.

-Thank you, Doc.
-Anytime.

-Anything else I can help with?
-No, I gotta get goin'.

I got some nylons soaking.

[chattering]

[cheering]

May I ask what's going on here?

Well, sir, we were burnin'
the Chinese uniforms, sir,
because they're infested.

Are you telling me
some Chinese soldier

came in here wearing
an American ladder?

Oh, uh, I guess that must've
just slipped up there
by mistake, sir.

Well, you better slip it
back off, Zale,

or your service record is liable
to get one giant hotfoot.

-Yes, sir.
-Thank you.

[chattering]

You see how loony
they're getting?

You know, this may be
just what they need.

Major, when people are
suffering from overwork

do you usually
prescribe arson?

Because if you do,
I'm gonna take another
look under that bandage.

Well, look, Colonel,
they don't want to burn
the whole camp,

just carefully selected bits
of it.

Actually it's a pretty
controlled response
to this place.

They might actually
have found themselves

that pressure valve
you're looking for.

All right,
let me have your attention.

I am reversing
my previous order.

You are hereby directed
to assemble one regulation,
bon-type fire.

[cheering]

-[knocking]
-Psst. Psst.

Psst.

-Psst.
-Did you want to see me,
or have you sprung a leak?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't want to go
into your tent

'cause I was afraid somebody
might think I was crazy.

What can I do for you?

-I think I'm goin' crazy.
-Why is that?

-Well, it's about
my teddy bear.
-He's been acting strangely?

-Huh?
-What about him?

Well, I never say
anything to the guys

when they kid me
about sleepin' with it...

except now and then,
I think about it in
the back of my head.

And when you told Klinger
that it proved he was crazy

'cause he carried
a teddy bear,

I started thinkin' about it
in the front of my head.

Radar, you can't prove
anything about anybody
by what he carries.

MacArthur carries
a swagger stick.

That doesn't prove
he's a general.

Yeah, but me and my teddy bear
are very close.

I mean...

sometimes I talk to it.

Does it ever talk back?

-No.
-So?

Do you know how many people
write letters to Romeo and
Juliet

and think "I Love Lucy" is real?

And those people are living
nice safe lives with towels
and sheets.

They're not up to their ankles

in mud, blood and death
the way you are.

Yeah, but what happens
when I go back home?

My guess is you probably
won't need him anymore.

I won't need him anymore?

That's okay, though,
'cause I have a feeling I will.

Look, officially we don't care
what goes on inside your head.

We're just interested
in the same part of you
that your tailor is.

B.J.: We're sending you
to a guy down in Seoul

who's gonna turn you back
into a perfect 38 long.

If I know Sidney Freedman,
all you have to do is say
the word

and he'll get in this ambulance
and drive all the way down
to Seoul with you.

I'm telling you as your doctor.
You oughta think about it.

Well, I--

Why don't we get Sidney
and you can talk to him?

HAWKEYE: Yeah, see how you
feel about him.

All right. All right, yeah.
I'll talk to him for a minute.

[engine starting]

[horn honking]

Sidney? Sidney? It's Tom.

I think I have another house
call for you.

Let's go.

He may let you ride with him
back to Seoul. You interested?

Are you kidding?

-Hi, Tom.
-Hello, Doc.

Dr. Pierce and Dr. Hunnicutt
thought I should talk to you

before I go down to Seoul,
and I thought

that would be
a pretty good idea too.

-Sure, Tom.
-I may never get
to see you again.

Sure.

Doc, I know I've been
rough on you.

And I know you didn't mean
to do me any harm...

although I have never been
harmed so much in my life.

And I am never gonna forgive you
as long as I live.

-Tom, come on, will ya?
-I'm sorry, Doc.

I don't care if they
fix me up better than
brand-new down there.

I'll never forget what
it felt like being back
in that foxhole

when you knew
what I'd been through.

I'll never forget how it feels
to get my legs shot up

and I'm never gonna forget
how much I hate you.

Good-bye, Doctor.
[whimpering]

All right.
Put him inside.

Sorry, Sidney.

-Well, he may do all right.
-[engine starting]

It's very possible that
getting his anger out on me

is the best thing for him.

On the other hand,
I'll never know.

[truck departing]

[knocking]

Come in.

Oh, hi, Father. I didn't expect
to be seeing you in here.

Yes, well, uh...

-Please.
-Oh, thank you.

Well, I've come
about a friend.

I see.
What's his problem?

Well, things aren't going
so well for him

and he's feeling
a little low.

-Who is your friend, Father?
-You.

I wonder if
a good antidote might be

to think about all
the successes you've had.

I would think
you've had a few, no?

Sure. I've sent dozens of kids

back to the front,
and they're fine now.

It hurts to think you might
lose even one, though,
doesn't it?

See, when Pierce
or Hunnicutt lose one

he's out of his misery.

But when I lose one,
I've lost a mind.

When I lose one,
I've lost a soul.

Well, I guess it's all
in how you look at it.

[cheering]

Sounds like they're having
a good time.

Well, they're following
your prescription.

You've certainly done
an admirable job here.

Why don't you come on out
and take a little of your
own medicine?

You know, this wasn't my idea.
It was theirs.

They have an uncanny knack
for health here

not to mention antic lunacy.

Hold it!
Wait a minute! Here goes.

-The army cookbook!
-[cheering]

♪♪ [fanfare]

[cheering]

[cheering Continues]

Yeah, Colonel Potter!

ALL:
One, two, three!

A cot.
How can you do that?

It's just an object.
It has no intrinsic value.
It's just a thing.

Besides, it's yours.

♪ Keep the home fires burning

♪ While your hearts
are yearning ♪

♪ Though your lads
are far away ♪

♪ They dream of home

♪ There's a silver lining

♪ Through the dark
cloud shining ♪

♪ Turn the dark cloud
inside out ♪

♪ Till the boys come home

Come on, Radar.
We gotta start a new day.

I can't find it, sir.
Oh, wait a minute.

Here it is.

♪♪ [dissonant]

You know, it sounds
a little better.

♪♪ [theme]