M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 23 - Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪ I've got you
under your skin ♪

♪ I've got me

♪ Deep in the heart of you

Pierce, will you stop

that detestable singing?

-Use some discretion in here.
-Okay.

♪ Another opening
another show ♪

Colonel Potter,
will you make him stop?

Or at least back him
with an orchestra.

All right.
Rein in your horses.



With this big push
we can expect to see

quite a lot of each other
in the next few days.

Might as well stay
on speaking terms.

Right.
♪ Everybody's hand in hand

♪ Bringin' down the pain

Shut up, Pierce!

Thank you. You've been
a wonderful audience.

Suppose this is
gonna be another one of those

24-hour shifts
without a break.

Mm-hmm. For starters.

Nurse. Retractor.
[yawning]

What?

I said retractor.
Listen, will you?

Don't talk
with your mouth open.



Kindly listen
with yours closed.

Charles, are you just
a tad edgy today?

Nope. No. Not in the least.
[yawns]

Stay awake, Charles.
You almost swallowed your mask.

-[yawning] I am awake.
-Come on, Major.

You look like
a wrung-out dishrag,

and I must say it doesn't
surprise me.

You've gotta learn to pace
yourself and get some rest.

You think that three cups
of joe and a long shower

can take the place
of eight hours' shut-eye.

You're running
yourself ragged.

Fortunately, I possess
the Winchester stamina.

I'm fine. Really.

[yawning] Scissors.

I can't.

[yawning]
I said scissors.

Major, the suture has slipped.
You didn't tie it correctly.

Oh.

♪ I tied for you

♪ Now it's your
turn to tie over me ♪

Major, do you have
the blood count results yet?

Klinger, I'm going
as fast as I can.

Rats. I walk all the way over
from post-op for nothing.

[yawns] That's
10 whole yards, Klinger,

unless, of course,
you took the scenic route
through Manchuria.

I'm pooped.

Hauling litters,
stocking O.R.

-Now I got K.P. comin' up.
-Aw.

I'll probably fall
asleep on the pudding
and die of a concussion.

Don't even mention sleep.

Hey, Major, with all these
pills and serums lyin' around

you got anything that could
juice me up a little?

You know, bring me back
to the living?

Well, there is something.

May your harem never be
stricken with stretch marks.

[chuckles]

Klinger,
these are amphetamines,

or dexies,

sometimes referred to
as bennies by you Bohemians.

-I'm Lebanese.
-Right.

Ingesting
two of these pills

is like swallowing a
50-horsepower engine.

You'd be so alert
your other four senses

would catch up
with your dainty nose.

Don't wrap 'em.
I'll eat 'em here.

These pills can make
you feel so good,

you wouldn't even mind
being in the army.

Right! Right!

And I'm not gonna
give you any.

Right. What?

Do you want
extreme depression?

You want chronic fatigue?

I already got those.

Worse, dependence
on the drug itself?

Any drug like this
must be dispensed
by a qualified physician.

Well, you've got
a degree. Come on.

No, no. Klinger,
my expertise in the matter

tells me that you
cannot handle those.

-Why?
-Because people of your...

genetic background are
far too hyperactive.

I am not!

See? Oh, Klinger, thank God
I was around to advise you.

No telling what would've
happened without me.

All right. I'll stick to
sniffing garlic...

raw garlic.

Remember, Klinger,

before taking
any medication like this,

always consult a highly trained
physician like myself.

You're welcome.

Darn it!

[whistling]
Hey, Superman, huh?

Is that the one where
they kidnap Lois Lane?

Lois Lane gets kidnapped
in every one.

Yeah, I know.

-Hey, Remy, I'll trade ya.
-What do you got, Chalk?

The one where, uh, Popeye
beats up all the Nazis.

Oh, yeah. They take away
all of Wimpy's hamburgers

and he tells the
Germans everything.

Why don't you guys ever read
a book, learn somethin'?

Like what?

Catcher in the Rye.

And it ain't about
baseball or booze.

Then, uh, what's
so good about it?

I don't know yet.
No one's underlined it.

Can't be as good as Superman.

Hey, uh, you guys are,
uh, Marines, huh?

Yeah. What gave it away,
the solid muscles?

Once I tried to join
the Marines,

but they said my eyes
wasn't good enough for ya.

-[all laughing]
-You tried to join
the Marines?

You wouldn't last
five seconds.

The D.I. would use you
for chewing tobacco.

-[all laughing]
-I would have made
a good marine.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[laughing]

If we ever
raid a kindergarten
class, I'll call ya.

[laughter]

Here we are. First floor.
Lingerie, sportswear,

elephant accessories,
and recuperating patients.

-Hey, Sarge.
-Sarge!

Hey, you LODOs. How ya doin'?

Just terrific. I hope you
brought some raw meat.

Hey, you guys'll be outta here
by tomorrow night, won't you?

No, no. They're mandatory
guests for the next few days.

What's the Christmas rush?

Our mouse goes up against
the 4033rd tomorrow.

-Your mouse?
-Sluggo.

Hey, Doc, we gotta be there.

Listen to it on the radio.
You got a racing rodent?

Only the world's fastest.

Oh, yeah? Doesn't the
jockey get any credit?

Hey, listen.
Sluggo's 19-and-0.

Oh, yeah? You guys got a mouse
you think is pretty fast, huh?

That's right, kid.

Yeah, well, my mouse
can beat your mouse.

Radar, what are you
talking about?

I'm talking about
the fastest mouse in Korea.

Yeah? And how's his eyesight?

Hey, listen. My Daisy
can beat your Sluggo

any day of the week
and twice in January.

-Daisy?
-How about this Saturday, kid?

Okay. Okay, my Daisy'll
make your Sluggo into
chewin' tobacca.

-Hey... Hey, Radar, really?
-Really.

Uh, would you mind if we, uh...
if we bet on this extravaganza?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bet, bet, bet.

Daisy has a pack to support.

Well, that's the idea, pal.
Bet as much as you can lose.

Uh-huh. Just put your money
where your mouse is.

[laughs]

Radar, this, uh, Daisy is,
uh, lightning fast, right?

Well, I guess I can teach her.

Can anything compare
to morning's first sight?

The promise of beginning
so new and so bright.

From the moment I awake,
till my first cornflake,

I tingle
at Aurora's delight.

-Touching as hell.
-Who wrote that?

Charles Emerson Winchester

while still an undergrad
at Harvard.

It sounded very... collegiate.

Still surviving
only on coffee, Major?

No time for anything else.

Later this morning I intend
to pull together my notes

and finally write that article
for the A.M.A. Journal

entitled "Korea,
the Surgeon's Buffet."

As long as it rhymes.

Either of you have a pen?

Thank you. I tingle,
for now I can write.

-Sending a card?
-My little sister
Madge's birthday.

She'll cross the big 5-0
come Valentine's Day.

Well, that's four months away.

Yeah. The way the mail
moves around here,

I may be cutting it
a little close.

Happy belated birthday.

Did I ever tell you about
my little sister Honoria?

She ran away from home--
[chuckles] Ah, the pixie--

and, uh, married...
a farmer. [snickers]

Can you believe it?
A farmer.

-A simple farmer.
-That's hilarious.

Later she left him.

The family ostracized her,
of course.

She left him
and went to live with--

not to marry, mind you,
but to live with--

Are you ready?
A shoe clerk.

Friends, Romans, and corpsmen,
lend me your ears.

He'll return them.
I promise.

'Tis nobler in the mind
to suffer slings and arrows

in order to make
an outrageous fortune.

What the bard means is
that we're taking action
on Radar's rat race.

Our Daisy against
the Marines' Sluggo.

I come to bury Sluggo,
not to praise him.

Now if you could only
write like that, hmm?

What do you say, folks?
Golden opportunity.

What do you say?
What do ya say here?

-I'm in for five.
-Five. We got five.

Me too. I guess I
can't spend it on dates.

[chuckles]
Put me down for 20.

-Twenty. Charles,
bear in mind...
-Twenty.

Daisy is not on
the New York Stock Exchange.

There are more things in
heaven and earth, Horatio,

than are dreamt of
in your philosophy.

Just lay down your cash.
I hate a guy who butchers
Shakespeare.

$74.50.

-Who only bet 50 cents?
-Radar.

That's encouraging.

I hate to make a mountain
out of mohair,

but when are you gonna
fold your laundry?

It's folded the army way.

♪♪ [whistling "Whistle
While You Work"]

Good morning, Doc. Where
are the other six dwarfs?

[chuckles] That's amusing
even from you.

Come on. You can be
more insulting than that.

Gentlemen,
you see before you

a brilliant, incisive paper
for the A.M.A.

that a mere two hours ago
was a blank pad of paper.

What'll it be
two hours from now?

Pierce, would you
proofread that for me?

Sure. Does spelling count?

Hope there's some
laughs in it.

Two hours?
There's 27 pages here.

Yes, I pride myself
on brevity.

It's one long sentence.

-I'll read it later.
-Oh.

You know something, Charles?

It's taken you a long time,
but I think you're finally

beginning to fit
into this place.

-Like a surgical glove.
-Are you surprised?

No. More like
stunned, shocked.

Bewitched, bothered
and bewildered.

You are now coping
with this nightmare

better than
I've ever seen you.

Better than I've
ever seen me.

Don't forget, gentlemen,
that I am a Winchester.

Write that down.
He's a Winchester.

All I have to do is set
my mind to something,

and eventually,
inevitably, I conquer it.

You know, compared
to the Harvard dorms,

this place really
isn't all that bad.

Charles,
don't change a hair.

He hasn't got any to change.

Pity there isn't enough

of the Winchester
character to go around.

-Or the Winchester humility.
-[chuckles]

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

The Chinese are at it again.

Incoming wounded.
Looks like a long one.

And we're
the welcoming committee.

Those were the tiniest
and neatest stitches
I've ever seen, Major.

Well, you're not assisting
a blacksmith, here, Margaret.

These fingers could stitch
a fly's wing back onto its body.

-But what fly could afford you?
-Done. And in record time.

The fastest 40-yard
colon ever run.

Klinger! Klinger!

-Gotta move faster than that.
-Sorry, sir.

I was in the back
giving my biceps a pep talk.

You're holding up progress.

I want to see the X-rays
on my next patient.

Right away, Major.

Klinger, you've built
a reputation

you can't live up to.

Don't worry. We'll have you
out of here in a jiffy,

even quicker.

I have some time free
if anyone needs some help.

B.J.:
Margaret, would you please
chain him to his table?

MARGARET:
Even if I could catch him,
what chain could hold him?

Oh, missed a piece of
shrapnel there, Pierce.

-Colonel.
-Major,

why don't you take a break?
You've earned one.

Yeah, Charles. You've got
a few seconds to unwind.

Why don't you re-read
War and Peace?

B.J.: Building
a four-lane highway
can be relaxing.

[laughs]
This is funny.

You people can't keep up,
and it burns you.

You're choking on my dust.

HAWKEYE: I got whiplash just
watching you go back and forth.

-Klinger, where are
those X-rays?
-Here they are, Major.

A little late, a little dark,
and a little out of focus.

No problem.
These eyes can make
out every detail.

HAWKEYE:
I can't wait to see him

leap tall buildings
in a single bound.

[squeaking]

-Daisy, you're looking great.
-[squeaking continues]

Oh, that's terrific.
Listen, I can't give
you any water now

'cause you know when
you're in training
it'll give you cramps.

Maybe I'll give you some
after your rubdown.

Now there's a picture
for the game program.

A boy and his mouse.
Beautiful.

She's ready, sir.

This morning she ran the garbage
dump in 15 seconds flat.

Yeah, well, that's
her home field.

How will she perform
in front of a hostile crowd?

I wanna beat those
Marines so bad.
Then I can really rub it in.

Look, if the Flash should win,
the safest thing for all of us

would be to take our winnings

and sneak away
like little mice.

You know Marines, Radar.
They love to land on things.

-They don't scare me.
-Look, a short Bronx cheer
will do nicely.

Come on, Coach.
Let's put Daisy
through her paces.

-She could run
some wind sprints.
-B.J.: Great.

I'll put a piece of cheese
behind the, uh...

-Behind the what?
-I don't wanna say
it in front of her.

-Wanna hold her?
-No! Keep her away.

-I don't like mice.
-She's just a rodent.

I don't like mice.
I'm not prejudiced.

I just prefer
them behind walls.

Come on, you must have
handled them in premed.

I wouldn't even see one
on a consultation. Get...

Nice, Daisy.
Down, big fella.

Don't let her see
where I put this.

-Ready?
-Ready.

-On your mark...
-[whistle blows]

HAWKEYE:
Oh, look at that! Oh!

-Oh! She runs like a deer.
-Fantastic!

-Radar, she's inspiring.
-We're gonna clean up!

Maybe we oughta give
ourselves a bigger edge.

You know?
Get her little track shoes.

-Daisy? Come on, Daisy.
-Daisy. [whistles]

-Daisy, I know you're thirsty.
-Daisy!

-Daisy. Ooh!
-Find her quick
before the cook does.

-Where could she be?
-[woman screams]

-Ooh!
-Found. One Daisy.

Don't step on her!

Walk. Take a walk.

What? What? Who's there?
What is it? What is it?

It's Charles again.
The creature that
stalks the night.

Winchester, the only
people up in Korea

at this hour are
snipers and milkmen.

Please! Lie down
and get some rest.

Pierce, if I could
sleep I would,
but I can't, so I'm not.

Charles, what can
we do to help?

Can we sing you a lullaby?
Bring you some warm milk?

Read to you from
the social register? What?

Not funny, Pierce.
Not funny at all.

How about
a sleeping pill, Charles?
I think you could use one.

You think?

How dare you presume
to prescribe for me.

Leave me alone, both of you.

You just won't
admit it, will ya?

-Admit what?
-That you're not Superman,

Dr. Pasteur and Al Jolson
all rolled into one.

Charles, nobody could survive

the pace you've set
for yourself.

I'll be the judge of that.

Thar she blows...
the Winchester Pride.

Which will see me through
this crisis or any other.

You know what you've done,
don't ya?

You've convinced yourself
you can outperform everybody

in this camp without
breaking down.

Well, as a veteran
of sleepless nights,

irregularity,
and no appetite,

I can promise you
it won't work.

I know it's hard
to take, Charles,

but you're just like
the rest of us.

Bite your tongue, Hunnicutt.

I'm going to the Nurses' Tent.

At least there I got
a reason to stay up.

All right. All right.

If I lie here quietly,

will you two night crawlers
cease and desist?

We promise.
You won't hear another sound.

Good.

[sighs]

-You want another pillow?
-No.

-Good night, B.J.
-Good night, Hawkeye.

-BOTH: Good night, Charles.
-You promised.

Half hour to post time, Daisy.

I taught you everything I know.
Now it's up to you.

I just hope you're not
as nervous as I am.

-How's she doing, Radar?
-Oh.

All right, I hope. I have a
lot of money riding on her.

Sir, I wish you wouldn't say
that in front of her.

Why? Is anything wrong?

No. It's just that when
she climbs the walls like that

she's not really
right, you know?

I think she's startin'
to feel the pressure.

I see.

Corporal, uh, be
a good fellow,

run into the Swamp and
fetch my opera glasses,
will you?

-Opera glasses?
-Yes, to watch the race.

I can't guarantee
my vantage point.

Your vantage what?

Shoo.

Feeling a little sluggish, eh?
[chuckles]

Well, this, my dear Daisy...

will perk you... right up.

[chattering]

CHALK: How we doin'
on the bucks?

[chatter continues]

-Sergeant.
-You see, Klinger?

Are you still, uh, giving
10-to-1 odds on Daisy?

I'm, uh, having trouble
gettin' action on that.

You got any loose change?

-About, uh, 50 bucks.
-Take it.

Take it before he wants to buy
the Brooklyn Bridge with it.

An officer born every minute.
Any other takers?

Right here.
Twenty dollars on Daisy.

Twenty bucks?
You must be crazy, Father.

Klinger, for 10-to-1,
I'd bet against Notre Dame.

[cheering]

-[squeaking]
-[scoffs]

That's a pretty scrawny
looking mouse.

Says you!

She's a little
on the thin side,
but she's quick. Quick.

We'll see.
Sluggo's ready.

-So's Daisy.
-Then let's start 'em.

Ooh. I'm all goose-pimply.

Hey, Daisy,
take it easy, honey.

Don't wear yourself out
before the race.

She probably bet on herself.

Hey, let me-- let me
pet her for good luck.

-You sure, sir?
-Yeah.

-[squeaks]
-[whimpers] Yuck!

Hey, Daisy.
Take it easy, honey.

All right.
On your mark, get set...

Come on, Daisy.

MAN: Go!

[all yelling]

Radar, I don't know what
you did, but she's amazing!

-KLINGER: It's Mighty Mouse!
-RADAR: Daisy, is that you?

-Go, go, go, go!
-[yelling continues]

-Come on, Daisy.
-RADAR: Come on!

CHARLES:
Come on, Daisy. Come on, Daisy.

She stopped!

-She's coming back!
-KLINGER: She's
running the wrong way!

Just like the army.
It's always retreatin'.

B.J.: Turn around, Daisy.
Turn around.

No, now she's okay.
She's okay now.

Daisy. Daisy.

-RADAR: Look what she's doin'.
-CHARLES: Daisy, Daisy.

There's the cheese!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[screaming, cheering]

HAWKEYE: This is
just the beginning.

We'll build a mouse
farm in Kentucky.

-Begin a whole new breed.
-RADAR: Daisy, take it easy.

I'm gonna knit that mouse
the cutest

little winner's wreath
you ever saw.

Come on, everyone,
let's go over to Rosie's

to toast the winners
and console the losers.

First round is on the parish.

-Sure. I'm goin'
with you, Father.
-Wonderful, Radar.

-Thanks.
-Yes, that was good.

You know, that's, uh...

that's some mouse
you got there.

If we had any money left,
we'd make you an offer for her.

No, no, Daisy's
not racin' anymore.

Th-Th-The tension
makes her crazy.

-I-I'm gonna take her back
and put her in her hutch.
-Hey, Radar.

You and your mouse are okay.

Thanks.

I think Radar just won a spot
in the Montezuma Hall of Fame.

Shall we join the others?

Yeah. We're already
a round behind.

-We'll have one on you, fellas.
-So long, fellas.

Hey.

[gulps]

-Charles, what's the matter?
You won.
-I know.

-What's wrong?
-I don't know. I don't know.
[hyperventilating]

-I don't like this.
-His color is awful.

I know. I'm usually
such a happy person.

-Full of fun.
-It's running like a train.

-Let's get him to the Swamp.
-Come on.

-I feel so bad.
[hyperventilating]
-Okay. Take it easy.

I... This started out to be
such a wonderful evening.

Look at him.
Like a whirling dervish.

Why would his pressure
be 160 over a hundred?

-This is not just from long
hours and fatigue.
-Maybe he took some help.

Charles taking drugs.

Well, I'll be leaving Korea
now. I've seen it all.

With his ego, he probably
figured he could handle it.

Yeah, but who handled who?

You know, whatever it is,
it's probably in that
footlocker.

Say something nice about me
in the search warrant.

-It's locked.
-No problem.

-I've been using Charles's
talcum powder.
-[chuckles]

It keeps away the flies.

What a mess.

Now I know there's
something wrong.

It's probably at the bottom.

Huh? What are you doing?

Don't worry about it, Charles.
Just a spot inspection.

Give me that.

Amphetamines, huh?

When did you start
taking those?

None of your business.
I'm gonna report this
invasion of privacy.

Really? You gonna say
we stole your dope?

Look, gentlemen,
I was feeling run down

and those helped
to pick me up.

I'm administering them myself.
I know what I'm doing.

Oh, do ya?
Do you really?

Let me tell you something,
Doctor.

The patient you placed under
your care is falling to pieces.

-Nonsense. It's ridiculous.
-Charles.

Take a look at yourself.

Look what your little
pick-me-up has done for you.

Your blood pressure's way up.
Your heart's palpitating.

Your hands are shaking...

all signs of a man
falling apart.

I knew I couldn't
tell you this.

-Excuse me, sirs.
-Not now, Radar. We're busy.

Uh, sir, this is an emergency.
It's Daisy.

Uh, I can't calm her down
after the race.

She keeps runnin' round and
round and round in her cage,

and, uh, first she shadowboxes,
and then she tap-dances.

Then it's like she's
tryin' to play the drums
or somethin'.

Sounds like Daisy was visiting
your footlocker too.

She'll calm down.
I gave her a mouse's portion.

What's he mean?

He means he gave
Daisy pep pills.

You drugged my Daisy, sir?

-How could you do that?
-She was in no danger.

Hey, listen.
Don't you tell me that.

I raised her from a pup.

I mean, I know you're
a sir, sir, but I...

if you ever touch
my animals again, uh...

I'll have somethin'
to say about it!

And it won't be from
corporal to major either.
It'll be man to man!

Boy!

I'm sorry.

I hope the Marines don't
find out about this.

I think we better
give the Marines

their money back while
we're still alive.

-What do you say, Charles?
-Yes, of course.

Here.
[groaning]

Keep the change.

I don't know how
this happened, gentlemen.

I've never been so
ashamed in my life.

-If you will excuse me.
-Where you going?

Throw up.

[Hawkeye chuckling]

-Do you realize we got
a whole day off?
-Mmm.

-What are you gonna do?
-I'm gonna take a nap.

-Mm-hmm.
-And then later,
when I wake up,

I'll turn over
and get some sleep.

[chuckles]

Look at him.
Look, look.

He hasn't talked to
anyone in three days.

Well, at least he's eating.

I'm worried about him. I think
he's takin' this kind of hard.

Yeah.

A dose of reassurance
wouldn't hurt.

Let me.

Uh-huh.

Morning, Charles.

Listen, I want you to know
we're all behind you.

What happened to you
could've happened to any of us.

There's no reason to feel bad,
you know, because we're...

Pierce, will you save
the consolation speech
for someone who needs it?

Yourself pops into mind
or anyone else in this
canvas asylum.

For the first time in months
I have found an appetite,

and any banal conversation
is bound to make me lose it.

So, uh, if you
will excuse you.

Uh-huh.

Well?

He's mean, obnoxious,
pompous, egotistical...

-In other words, fine.
-Right.

♪♪ [theme]