M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 22 - Potter's Retirement - full transcript
The latest piece de resistance of Hawkeye and BJ is Kentucky "Derby Day," the next excuse for a party and temporary escape from reality for the team at 4077. Colonel Potter has to visit General Waldo Kent at I Corp in Seoul and he is is usual playful yet gruff and wonderful self. When he returns to camp, it becomes painfully obvious Col. Potter has a burr in his saddle. At Derby Day, Colonel Potter abruptly interrupts the festivities to announce that due to bad reports on his leadership, I Corp is making a spot inspection next Tuesday. Further, he announces his intention to leave and transfer stateside immediately. Hawkeye and BJ are the only ones with the guts to demand an explanation. When Potter tells them the bad reports are coming from the inside of his own command, the Swamp Rats are furious; they immediately suspect the Boston butt. But all they find is a Dear Meredith letter...and some advice to watch the outgoing mail for envelopes addressed to I Corp. Radar is willing to die to protect the sanctity of the U.S. Mail, until he learns there is a dirty fink in the 4077 woodpile. Can the trio uncover the identity of the fink before Col. Potter leaves? Can a Colonel from the Third Armor be so dense that a tiny piece of shrapnel embedded in his tush can float upward to replace his brain? "Sherman" learns more about who are his true friends in this unsettling episode.
♪♪ [theme]
If you need me in Seoul,
I'll be with General Kent
at I-Corps in the morning
and at headquarters
in the afternoon.
No, sir. You'll be
at Headquarters
in the morning
with General Kent
and I-Corps
in the afternoon.
-Like I said.
-Cabbie,
Radio City Music Hall,
and step on it.
There's an extra 5
in it for you
if we get there in time
for the Rockettes.
-Sorry, I'm off duty.
-Where you staying, Colonel?
-Officers' quarters.
-Big mistake.
That's only a one-star hotel.
Enemy P.O.W. camps
get two stars.
The place you want is Uncle
Chang's Changri-La Hotel.
What's so good about it,
besides the name?
The bellboys are all girls.
They don't carry your bags,
but they take off their shoes
and walk barefoot
through your back.
Oh, wow. Wouldn't that
be something, sir?
To have a real beautiful
bellhop with naked feet
-and he-- I mean, she--
-POTTER: Steady, Radar.
Yes, sir. Want me
to change your reservations?
No.
That's the last time
I arrange a tour for you.
Just for that,
I'm not gonna tell you
how the chambermaids
wake you up in thr morning.
Have a nice, boring trip.
Sir, are you gonna be back
in time
for the Derby Day party?
Wild racehorses
couldn't keep me away.
With Hawkeye and B.J.
giving it,
it oughta be
a real wingding.
Everybody's gotta show up
in jockey shorts.
Change that to nobody.
Got it?
-Not even the nurses, sir?
-Not even.
So hold your lower lip
still. It's quivering.
This is Class "A"
number-one hooch, Waldo,
but it's way too smooth.
I'm used to putting my fist
through the wall
to help get it down.
[chuckle] Oh, boy,
it's good to see ya, Sherm.
You're looking great.
That's the fourth
"good to see ya"
and the second "looking great"
since I walked in here.
What's on your mind, Waldo?
Sherm, you and I have been
friends for a long time.
-Here it comes.
-I've heard a lot
of talk about you--
negative talk about you
and the 4077th.
What is it this time?
Somebody forgot to wear their
dress gloves in surgery?
This is different, Sherm.
Lack of leadership.
Lapses of discipline.
Bypassing regulations.
Apparently, some of your people
aren't too happy with you.
What do you mean, my people?
The beefs are coming
from inside your unit.
I can't believe that.
Sherm, would I have
brought you up here
if I thought it was the usual
latrine scuttlebutt?
My own people?
It happens.
But, Sherm, if this sort
of thing keeps up,
the Spam could hit the fan.
I don't understand it.
Sherm, you have
one year to retirement.
Now, let's make it
an easy one.
I can transfer you to any
stateside post you want.
You name it.
And you don't know
who's sending these reports?
All I know is
it's an inside job.
What difference does it make?
What difference?
4077th is not just
a roster of people.
It's my family.
Up until now,
my loyal family.
Yep, this sure is
first-class hooch, all right.
You got any rotgut?
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Decorative bunting is needed
for tonight's
Kentucky Derby party.
All those hoarding
toilet paper are asked
to please give
from the heart.
-Hi, y'all and everyone else.
-Hi, Hawkeye.
Mornin', Beauregard.
How's the mint julep comin'?
A regular Louisville Slugger.
Taste it yourself.
-Needs more julep.
-Uh-huh.
By the by, what are you
using for mint?
-Green cough medicine.
-Mmm.
Antiseptic and antebellum.
Major, I refuse
to put lime icing
on a chocolate cake.
That's the whole theme
of the party: Derby Day.
Kentucky?
The green grass?
In the first place,
Kentucky grass is blue.
In the second, I'm the chef,
and the icing will be white.
Hold it. Cease and desist.
-Argument about the cake?
-Mm-hmm.
I'll settle this.
This the recipe?
Perfect.
Carry on, Denning.
With lime icing.
Look, Major, I'm not even
supposed to be here.
I was held over by him
and the other captain
to bake a cake, so let me
bake it, will you?
Is this man occupying
a bed in post-op
just so he can sneak
back here and bake?
Margaret,
post-op is half empty,
and you're talking to a man
who in civilian life
taught pastry
at the Cordon Bleu in Paris.
No, I was Speedy's Eats
in New Orleans.
Same thing.
There's the wreath.
Amazing what can be done
with a box of Kleenex
and a bottle of rose water.
If I catch anybody
blowing his nose in this,
he's gonna lose it.
Hey, Hawk.
Try the julep now.
[coughing]
Oh, that's it.
Make an extra batch.
What we don't drink
we can use
as insect repellant.
[whistle blows]
[whistle blows]
Right on through, Colonel.
Have a refreshing trip, sir?
Take that stuff off.
You look like a fool.
-Where's Radar?
-Making party favors, sir.
-May I talk to you?
-No.
Then I'll be brief.
I'd like you to transfer
me to the M.P.s.
-Out of my way, flatfoot.
-I could do a great job
escorting prisoners
to the States.
Just sign here, sir,
for the cause of justice.
-Klinger, come to attention.
-Yes, sir!
About face.
Now stay that way until you
receive further orders.
But I have a beat
to patrol.
Colonel, lovely to see you.
How was your trip?
We certainly missed you
around here.
Save it for Sunday.
[laughter]
♪ Oh, the sun shines bright
♪ On my old Kentucky home
♪ On my old Kentucky home
♪ Far away
[laughter]
Ah. Belly up
to the bowl, Colonel.
You're just in time
for slap happy hour.
How was everything
in Seoul, Colonel,
the Jersey City
of the Orient?
I thought this party
wasn't supposed
to leave the starting gate
till 1:30 a.m.
We figured we'd indulge
in a few furlongs now
so we'd all start
with a handicap.
You're a few lengths
behind us. Join the fun.
The fun is over.
Give you people an inch,
you take a mile.
Well, tonight,
a mile and a quarter.
Quiet, Pierce!
What's this patient
doing here?
Recovering nicely, thank you.
Don't let them
fool you, Colonel.
These two have kept him
from rejoining his unit
so that he could bake a cake
with the wrong icing.
-Is this true?
-Every layer of it.
If there's one thing
I can't abide,
it's two commissioned
teenagers
who feel they can
break regulations
any time the mood
hits them.
Darn tootin'.
But what's worse
is a snitch,
someone who can't settle
a matter face-to-face.
-I resent that, Colonel.
-Tough.
Colonel, I'm glad
you're back, sir.
See what I made? Party favors.
Horses and jockeys.
Where the hell
have you been?
Well?
Uh...
I had to go to Supply
to get the paper,
and then I had to go
cut out the horses.
Then I had to get a picture
to see how long to make
the tail when I cut it out.
Get me a duty roster.
I want to see where all
these people belong.
Yes, sir.
Uh, we belong
in Supply.
Then get there.
The rest of you get
where you're supposed to be.
-[man groans]
-[chatter]
What's wrong with him?
I said to the man
"Go to Changri-La.
Get your back walked on."
But does he listen
to his doctor? No.
-Colonel Potter.
-What do you want?
Just the man I want to see.
This day is getting
better and better.
I'm sure this will be
as unpleasant for you
as it is for me,
but I hold you
personally responsible
for ruining
my medical career.
-You don't say.
-It is six months to the day
since I was shanghaied
into this quagmire.
Congratulations. Then this
is a commemorative meeting.
If it goes well,
we'll issue a coin.
Colonel, look at this.
The first open-heart
surgery in medical history
has just been
done successfully.
Bully.
That should be my heart
lying open there!
If it hadn't been for you,
I'd be at a real hospital
with research facilities
instead of this
roadside medical stand!
I hereby request a transfer.
Denied. Next.
Colonel, if you don't
get me out of here, I'll--
You'll what?
I'll find a way.
I will stop at nothing.
And you've been working on it
already, haven't ya?
My every waking moment,
with every breath I take,
from the first time--
That's it, Winchester!
Get out!
-But, sir!
-Get out,
or my name will be
on your lips forever.
There's no reason
to get huffy.
I mean, there's
nothing personal.
Right, stranger. Out.
-I just thought I'd ask.
-Out!
By the way, welcome back.
Thank you, sir.
And I'm just a corporal.
Don't you ever
forget that.
Sir, this hand-delivered
message
was just delivered by hand.
-Well, what is it?
-I don't know, sir.
-I never read your mail.
-What is it?
General Kent is warning you
about a spot inspection.
Some big brass are
coming in from I-Corps.
Inspection, huh? Boy,
those pencil pushers don't
waste any time, do they?
-No, sir. I'll notify the camp.
-No, you won't.
I'll fill them in in my own way
when I'm good and ready.
In the meantime, don't
breathe a word of this
to anyone. Capisce?
-Who, sir?
-Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
Uh, sir, is there
anything I can do?
No. Just keep your mouth shut.
Oh, yes, sir, I will.
I won't say a word. Not a word.
Anybody asks me,
I don't know nothin'.
Your secret is safe with me.
I can sure capiscethat.
Mum's the word.
Hmm? Oh, right.
Shh.
♪♪
[Southern accent]
Honeychild,
after the cotillion,
would you like to go
down to the plantation
for a game
of slap and tickle?
Oh, good.
[normal voice]
You will?
Sure.
Why has it taken you
a year?
I like older men.
Ah. I see.
Uh, well, ahem,
well, uh...
Look at that brazen
hussy over there.
And the woman he's with.
You're all lunatics.
Ma'am,
may I see your I.D.?
Ha ha! Don't be ridiculous.
I'm over 21.
Don't be ridiculous.
I know it.
[people gasping, exclaiming]
Here it is.
That dumb white icing.
Don't tell me.
Please, don't tell me.
The Kentucky Derby.
Right, Charles. And we
used your hat size.
-[chuckle]
-♪♪ ["Call To the Post"]
You know, Pierce, someday
you'll be old enough
-to grow your own beard.
-It's post time.
They're approaching
the starting gate.
Gather around the track.
Just in time, Colonel.
The two-dollar
window's closing.
Turn it off.
-But, sir.
-I said turn that radio off.
-[radio off]
-Let me have your attention.
Next Tuesday there's gonna
be a surprise inspection.
[all groaning]
Now, the reason
for this inspection,
my butt is on the block.
There have been bad reports
about this unit
floating around headquarters.
That's okay, though.
Bad reports never bothered me.
They never will.
-TOGETHER: Right.
-Yeah.
I don't retreat from a fight.
They want efficiency, I'm gonna
show 'em efficiency and pride--
everything they said
we haven't got.
-That's right.
-[all talking at once]
That report's
gonna be so clean,
you can operate on it.
-Right.
-You betcha.
I'm gonna show 'em not only
the best damn MASH unit
in the army
-but the best unit, period.
-[cheering]
And, uh, right after that,
I'm going home.
-Huh?
-What do you mean?
You heard me. I'm leaving.
I'm putting in for a transfer.
I'm spending my last
few months stateside.
That's all.
Good night.
-[murmuring]
-CHARLES: Uh...
The inspection's
this Tuesday,
so you fellas
have gotta work fast.
Klinger, I want all torn
canvas repaired on the tents.
I'll give it
a nice zigzag stitch.
And 86 that M.P. dodge.
Try masquerading
as a soldier.
If you don't mind, sir,
I'd like to keep my whistle.
Zale, Benson,
I want this camp spotless.
If it don't move, paint it.
If it does move, pick it up.
But, sir, my back.
Is giving me a pain.
Dismissed.
Colonel, you can't
heap all this on us.
Benson, if your arms
get to feeling too heavy,
I can always
take off those stripes.
Now scram!
I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.
All right, Colonel, we're
waiting for an explanation.
Then wait outside. I still
don't want to talk about it.
There are a lot
of people around here
with their jaws
scraping on the ground
from that bombshell
you dropped last night.
You've got to talk
about it.
Got to? Get out of here.
Who do you think
you're talking to,
-a couple of strangers?
-We want an explanation.
We're gonna stay
until we get one.
I can call the M.P.s.
They want
an explanation too.
Look, let's stop
the hostility festival
and discuss it, okay? Please?
We've been halfway through
a war and back together.
You owe us that.
Those bad reports
I mentioned last night
have been coming
from inside this camp.
One of us?
I try to make
this bed of nails
a little more comfortable,
and this is how I
get paid off.
One of my own people
stabs me in the back
with a fountain pen.
A simple "thank you"
would have sufficed.
-I can't believe it.
-Believe it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna write to Mildred.
She might want to know
about this too.
Come in, Radar.
This is terrible.
Gee, he's such
a wonderful commander.
Who'd be lousy enough
to spy on a guy like that?
The floor is open
for nominations.
Let's analyze this.
We're looking for somebody
who's discontented--
-Yeah.
-...resentful,
and has a personal beef
with the colonel.
Who am I describing?
Klinger?
-No.
-No.
-Charles?
-Mmm.
Monogrammed toilet paper?
Who's he trying to impress?
"Ogilvy and Cabot's
Hair Sprout.
A harvest of hair
in every bottle."
Remind me to put this
in his deodorant.
Here's his Ogilvy
and Cabot stationery.
"Charles Emerson
Winchester.
Boston, Paris,
Palm Beach, Korea."
Anything interesting?
An unfinished letter.
I knew I was right
about him.
Aristocrats make
the best sneaks.
Read on, Macduff.
-"Dear Meredith"
-That's a girl's name.
Or maybe the last name
of a general.
I think you're stretching it.
"I'm afraid I have some very
disturbing news to report."
I knew it.
"During that memorable
rendezvous in Tokyo,
"I told you that the only
stars that sparkle for me
"were in your eyes.
"In the interim,
I have discovered
"that the stars could
and did sparkle for me
without necessarily
being in your eyes."
-Some spy letter.
-It's code. It's a code.
"I truly regret giving
you the impression
"that a permanent
relationship
was possible for us.
"I could never marry
"without the permission
of Grandmama Winchester
"who possesses
the wisdom of the ages
and half of downtown
Boston."
Go on. Now it's beginning
to make sense.
-That's all there is.
-Well, I'll finish it,
and then you can
read the rest of it.
-Author, author.
-How shabby!
How unutterably shabby!
Charles, listen--
Oh, this is vulgar.
This is despicable.
Would you care
to explain this to me?
It's all there on the label.
Why were you
reading my mail?
Look, Charles, there's
an explanation for this.
Whatever it is,
I don't believe it.
Charles, someone has been
sending secret reports
to the inspector general
about Colonel Potter.
That's why he's
packing it in.
And someone has been insisting
you were the informer.
B.J.: Some nut.
And you chose to believe
this provocateur?
You can't
call me that.
I might have known.
There are no informers
in my family.
Winchesters do not spy.
-We do on occasion hire them.
-[scoffs]
Okay. It was a dumb thing
to do. We apologize.
Oh, you stupid jerks!
It's come to this. I just
used the word "jerk."
-We're all slowing down.
-Gentlemen, I know
that thinking unsettles
your prejudices,
but if you would bother to use
the few brains you have,
it might occur to you
to look in the outgoing mail
for a letter addressed
to the inspector general.
The chances are very good
it was written by the informer.
-Okay.
-One other thing, gentlemen.
Bear in mind
that I still hate you.
-Do keep that in mind.
-Mm-hmm.
Charles, you're drinking
your hair.
Don't be ridiculous.
This is 12-year-old scotch.
You don't think I'd leave
this in the original bottle
around you
petty larcenists.
-Oh!
-What?
I've been drinking
from his Scotch bottle.
-Come on, sirs.
-Come on.
Radar, we're not
gonna steal anything.
Listen, this is
the U.S. mail.
Only a U.S. mailman
can touch it
once it goes in this
bag. It's sacred.
Radar, one of those
bad reports
on Colonel Potter could
be in that sacred bag.
Why didn't you say so?
He's so stubborn.
This is the last
time I ever take
a post office job
at Christmas.
Before I find it,
what am I looking for?
Anything addressed
to someplace official.
Here's one from Klinger
to his draft board.
Is it ticking?
Here's one to I-Corps,
Inspector General.
Well, it's okay.
It's from Joe.
-Who?
-Joe Benson. He's a corpsman.
He's been here since June.
He's a regular guy, though.
It couldn't be him.
Radar, how many
regular guys you know
write home to I-Corps?
Wait. You're not gonna
tear that open, are you?
Don't worry. We're doctors.
I'll open, he'll close.
No, you better
let me do it.
Can you imagine what he
could do with a scalpel?
Mmm.
[gasp] That fink!
You can use stronger
language than that.
That dirty fink!
I don't get it.
Benson's just
as undisciplined
as the next guy.
What's he got
against Potter?
Why don't we
pin him to the ground,
cover him with ants,
and ask him nicely?
-I'll bring the boiling oil.
-Uh-oh.
-[helicopters approaching]
-Uh-oh. Choppers.
Business before pleasure.
Close, Major.
Good work, sir.
I've never seen
that technique before.
And I thought
you'd seen it all.
It was done at the Mayo Clinic
four months ago.
What did you do, visit there
on the long weekend?
[chuckling]
It was in some literature
that came a while back.
I spent that long weekend
reading it.
How about you, quick draw?
Well, I, uh, I, uh,
I scanned it...briefly.
Yeah, the light's not
too good in the latrine.
Colonel, I just don't know
how we'll ever find anyone
to replace you in here.
I second that.
Klinger.
You call my name,
and I appear.
Get him to post-op.
Benson, grab the other
end, will you?
Oh, Benson,
we'll need a hand
in the changing room
when we're done here.
Would you stop by?
Sure. Anything you need.
-What a nice guy.
-B.J.: Salt of the earth.
Promise that you'll keep me
away from that creep's throat.
I was gonna ask you
to promise me.
Now, what can I
do for you sirs?
Ah, Benson. We've been
waiting 10 minutes.
-You're a little slow.
-I'm sorry, but I had--
When an officer
gives you an order,
-you better move, fella.
-I'm sorry, sir.
Gross inefficiency.
Better include yourself
in your next report.
I can't see myself in those
shoes. Why don't you
put that in there too?
I don't know what you
guys are talking about.
Yes, you do.
One of your letters fell
into the right hands: ours.
-Oh.
-Mmm.
There's a lot of activities
I'm not gonna miss around here.
That was one of them.
Ah, Colonel, we got a little
going-away present for you.
Sorry we didn't have
time to gift wrap it.
I'm too pooped for puzzles.
What are you getting at?
May I present
Corporal Joe Benson,
snitch first class.
His fingerprints are all over
that pen in your back.
Benson, is this true?
They make it sound
worse than it is.
If I could raise my arms,
I'd flatten your nose.
What'd I ever do
to you, Corporal?
It's Lieutenant, sir.
Ah, a commissioned
weasel.
Damn it, answer my question!
It was an assignment, sir.
I was sent by the inspector
general to work undercover.
Why pick on us?
Our record was clean as
a whistle till you got here.
Not according to Colonel Frank
Webster of the Third Armor.
He was a patient here
a couple of months ago.
Apparently,
he wasn't too thrilled
with the quality of your care.
-I don't remember any Webster.
-Me, neither.
I do. Came through triage
with a tiny piece
of shrapnel in his tush
and a big chip
on his shoulder.
Got steamed when I
told him he'd have to wait
till the real casualties
were treated.
You can't blame him.
A wound like that
could've kept him off
a bar stool for several days.
That still
doesn't explain
your negative
reports, Benson.
Look, you gotta admit,
from a military standpoint,
things are pretty loose
around here.
Maybe. From a human
standpoint,
things are plenty tight.
I'd trade your shoeshines
and snappy salutes
for a good surgeon any day.
-Even if he looks like us.
-I wouldn't go that far.
-Well, I mean...
-All right, Benson.
Pack up your cloak
and dagger and get out.
Whatever you say, Colonel.
Benson, you tell Webster
if he ever
gets in my way again,
I'm gonna put that shrapnel
back where I found it.
No, no, Waldo. All I want
is my record cleaned up.
Just get them to call off
that surprise inspection.
We got enough
to do around here
without putting on
our Sunday best
for a bunch of
dust-sniffing yahoos.
[whisper]
That's telling him.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
What?
Am I staying?
I'll get back to you.
Are you staying,
Colonel?
I must admit this is a load
off my mind,
but I haven't seen Mildred
in a long time.
I haven't seen Peg,
but I'm staying.
It's been a long war.
I passed my prime
about 10 squares back.
Look, Colonel, um...
Sherman...
you could give me a hundred
good reasons to leave,
and I can't give you
one good reason to stay.
Stay anyway.
What he said.
Please?
Well, I'll have to
think about it for a while.
What the hell. I'll stay.
Thank you, Colonel.
You'll regret
every minute of it.
I probably will.
-Uh-oh. Choppers.
-[helicopters approaching]
-Ooh, they sound loaded.
-Let's go.
I hate this place.
Colonel, can we see you
in private?
-What's going on?
-We're getting up
a surprise party.
We wanted to know if you'd
be the guest of honor.
-Hit it, Major.
-♪♪ [harmonica note]
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny
[cheering]
Thank you, folks.
That was really lousy.
What do you expect
with very little talent
and only five minutes'
preparation?
Okay, Denning!
Excuse me, sir.
Pardon me, Mrs. Potter.
Right this way.
Oh, that dumb white
icing again!
This is leftover derby.
Half a hat is
better than none.
One candle. What's that for?
It's your first day back.
I want to apologize
for being so surly.
You people are
the best there is.
I should have realized that.
I'm sorry.
Aw.
Why don't you make a wish
and blow it out, sir?
I'll make a wish
for all of us.
Peace.
♪♪ [theme]
If you need me in Seoul,
I'll be with General Kent
at I-Corps in the morning
and at headquarters
in the afternoon.
No, sir. You'll be
at Headquarters
in the morning
with General Kent
and I-Corps
in the afternoon.
-Like I said.
-Cabbie,
Radio City Music Hall,
and step on it.
There's an extra 5
in it for you
if we get there in time
for the Rockettes.
-Sorry, I'm off duty.
-Where you staying, Colonel?
-Officers' quarters.
-Big mistake.
That's only a one-star hotel.
Enemy P.O.W. camps
get two stars.
The place you want is Uncle
Chang's Changri-La Hotel.
What's so good about it,
besides the name?
The bellboys are all girls.
They don't carry your bags,
but they take off their shoes
and walk barefoot
through your back.
Oh, wow. Wouldn't that
be something, sir?
To have a real beautiful
bellhop with naked feet
-and he-- I mean, she--
-POTTER: Steady, Radar.
Yes, sir. Want me
to change your reservations?
No.
That's the last time
I arrange a tour for you.
Just for that,
I'm not gonna tell you
how the chambermaids
wake you up in thr morning.
Have a nice, boring trip.
Sir, are you gonna be back
in time
for the Derby Day party?
Wild racehorses
couldn't keep me away.
With Hawkeye and B.J.
giving it,
it oughta be
a real wingding.
Everybody's gotta show up
in jockey shorts.
Change that to nobody.
Got it?
-Not even the nurses, sir?
-Not even.
So hold your lower lip
still. It's quivering.
This is Class "A"
number-one hooch, Waldo,
but it's way too smooth.
I'm used to putting my fist
through the wall
to help get it down.
[chuckle] Oh, boy,
it's good to see ya, Sherm.
You're looking great.
That's the fourth
"good to see ya"
and the second "looking great"
since I walked in here.
What's on your mind, Waldo?
Sherm, you and I have been
friends for a long time.
-Here it comes.
-I've heard a lot
of talk about you--
negative talk about you
and the 4077th.
What is it this time?
Somebody forgot to wear their
dress gloves in surgery?
This is different, Sherm.
Lack of leadership.
Lapses of discipline.
Bypassing regulations.
Apparently, some of your people
aren't too happy with you.
What do you mean, my people?
The beefs are coming
from inside your unit.
I can't believe that.
Sherm, would I have
brought you up here
if I thought it was the usual
latrine scuttlebutt?
My own people?
It happens.
But, Sherm, if this sort
of thing keeps up,
the Spam could hit the fan.
I don't understand it.
Sherm, you have
one year to retirement.
Now, let's make it
an easy one.
I can transfer you to any
stateside post you want.
You name it.
And you don't know
who's sending these reports?
All I know is
it's an inside job.
What difference does it make?
What difference?
4077th is not just
a roster of people.
It's my family.
Up until now,
my loyal family.
Yep, this sure is
first-class hooch, all right.
You got any rotgut?
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Decorative bunting is needed
for tonight's
Kentucky Derby party.
All those hoarding
toilet paper are asked
to please give
from the heart.
-Hi, y'all and everyone else.
-Hi, Hawkeye.
Mornin', Beauregard.
How's the mint julep comin'?
A regular Louisville Slugger.
Taste it yourself.
-Needs more julep.
-Uh-huh.
By the by, what are you
using for mint?
-Green cough medicine.
-Mmm.
Antiseptic and antebellum.
Major, I refuse
to put lime icing
on a chocolate cake.
That's the whole theme
of the party: Derby Day.
Kentucky?
The green grass?
In the first place,
Kentucky grass is blue.
In the second, I'm the chef,
and the icing will be white.
Hold it. Cease and desist.
-Argument about the cake?
-Mm-hmm.
I'll settle this.
This the recipe?
Perfect.
Carry on, Denning.
With lime icing.
Look, Major, I'm not even
supposed to be here.
I was held over by him
and the other captain
to bake a cake, so let me
bake it, will you?
Is this man occupying
a bed in post-op
just so he can sneak
back here and bake?
Margaret,
post-op is half empty,
and you're talking to a man
who in civilian life
taught pastry
at the Cordon Bleu in Paris.
No, I was Speedy's Eats
in New Orleans.
Same thing.
There's the wreath.
Amazing what can be done
with a box of Kleenex
and a bottle of rose water.
If I catch anybody
blowing his nose in this,
he's gonna lose it.
Hey, Hawk.
Try the julep now.
[coughing]
Oh, that's it.
Make an extra batch.
What we don't drink
we can use
as insect repellant.
[whistle blows]
[whistle blows]
Right on through, Colonel.
Have a refreshing trip, sir?
Take that stuff off.
You look like a fool.
-Where's Radar?
-Making party favors, sir.
-May I talk to you?
-No.
Then I'll be brief.
I'd like you to transfer
me to the M.P.s.
-Out of my way, flatfoot.
-I could do a great job
escorting prisoners
to the States.
Just sign here, sir,
for the cause of justice.
-Klinger, come to attention.
-Yes, sir!
About face.
Now stay that way until you
receive further orders.
But I have a beat
to patrol.
Colonel, lovely to see you.
How was your trip?
We certainly missed you
around here.
Save it for Sunday.
[laughter]
♪ Oh, the sun shines bright
♪ On my old Kentucky home
♪ On my old Kentucky home
♪ Far away
[laughter]
Ah. Belly up
to the bowl, Colonel.
You're just in time
for slap happy hour.
How was everything
in Seoul, Colonel,
the Jersey City
of the Orient?
I thought this party
wasn't supposed
to leave the starting gate
till 1:30 a.m.
We figured we'd indulge
in a few furlongs now
so we'd all start
with a handicap.
You're a few lengths
behind us. Join the fun.
The fun is over.
Give you people an inch,
you take a mile.
Well, tonight,
a mile and a quarter.
Quiet, Pierce!
What's this patient
doing here?
Recovering nicely, thank you.
Don't let them
fool you, Colonel.
These two have kept him
from rejoining his unit
so that he could bake a cake
with the wrong icing.
-Is this true?
-Every layer of it.
If there's one thing
I can't abide,
it's two commissioned
teenagers
who feel they can
break regulations
any time the mood
hits them.
Darn tootin'.
But what's worse
is a snitch,
someone who can't settle
a matter face-to-face.
-I resent that, Colonel.
-Tough.
Colonel, I'm glad
you're back, sir.
See what I made? Party favors.
Horses and jockeys.
Where the hell
have you been?
Well?
Uh...
I had to go to Supply
to get the paper,
and then I had to go
cut out the horses.
Then I had to get a picture
to see how long to make
the tail when I cut it out.
Get me a duty roster.
I want to see where all
these people belong.
Yes, sir.
Uh, we belong
in Supply.
Then get there.
The rest of you get
where you're supposed to be.
-[man groans]
-[chatter]
What's wrong with him?
I said to the man
"Go to Changri-La.
Get your back walked on."
But does he listen
to his doctor? No.
-Colonel Potter.
-What do you want?
Just the man I want to see.
This day is getting
better and better.
I'm sure this will be
as unpleasant for you
as it is for me,
but I hold you
personally responsible
for ruining
my medical career.
-You don't say.
-It is six months to the day
since I was shanghaied
into this quagmire.
Congratulations. Then this
is a commemorative meeting.
If it goes well,
we'll issue a coin.
Colonel, look at this.
The first open-heart
surgery in medical history
has just been
done successfully.
Bully.
That should be my heart
lying open there!
If it hadn't been for you,
I'd be at a real hospital
with research facilities
instead of this
roadside medical stand!
I hereby request a transfer.
Denied. Next.
Colonel, if you don't
get me out of here, I'll--
You'll what?
I'll find a way.
I will stop at nothing.
And you've been working on it
already, haven't ya?
My every waking moment,
with every breath I take,
from the first time--
That's it, Winchester!
Get out!
-But, sir!
-Get out,
or my name will be
on your lips forever.
There's no reason
to get huffy.
I mean, there's
nothing personal.
Right, stranger. Out.
-I just thought I'd ask.
-Out!
By the way, welcome back.
Thank you, sir.
And I'm just a corporal.
Don't you ever
forget that.
Sir, this hand-delivered
message
was just delivered by hand.
-Well, what is it?
-I don't know, sir.
-I never read your mail.
-What is it?
General Kent is warning you
about a spot inspection.
Some big brass are
coming in from I-Corps.
Inspection, huh? Boy,
those pencil pushers don't
waste any time, do they?
-No, sir. I'll notify the camp.
-No, you won't.
I'll fill them in in my own way
when I'm good and ready.
In the meantime, don't
breathe a word of this
to anyone. Capisce?
-Who, sir?
-Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
Uh, sir, is there
anything I can do?
No. Just keep your mouth shut.
Oh, yes, sir, I will.
I won't say a word. Not a word.
Anybody asks me,
I don't know nothin'.
Your secret is safe with me.
I can sure capiscethat.
Mum's the word.
Hmm? Oh, right.
Shh.
♪♪
[Southern accent]
Honeychild,
after the cotillion,
would you like to go
down to the plantation
for a game
of slap and tickle?
Oh, good.
[normal voice]
You will?
Sure.
Why has it taken you
a year?
I like older men.
Ah. I see.
Uh, well, ahem,
well, uh...
Look at that brazen
hussy over there.
And the woman he's with.
You're all lunatics.
Ma'am,
may I see your I.D.?
Ha ha! Don't be ridiculous.
I'm over 21.
Don't be ridiculous.
I know it.
[people gasping, exclaiming]
Here it is.
That dumb white icing.
Don't tell me.
Please, don't tell me.
The Kentucky Derby.
Right, Charles. And we
used your hat size.
-[chuckle]
-♪♪ ["Call To the Post"]
You know, Pierce, someday
you'll be old enough
-to grow your own beard.
-It's post time.
They're approaching
the starting gate.
Gather around the track.
Just in time, Colonel.
The two-dollar
window's closing.
Turn it off.
-But, sir.
-I said turn that radio off.
-[radio off]
-Let me have your attention.
Next Tuesday there's gonna
be a surprise inspection.
[all groaning]
Now, the reason
for this inspection,
my butt is on the block.
There have been bad reports
about this unit
floating around headquarters.
That's okay, though.
Bad reports never bothered me.
They never will.
-TOGETHER: Right.
-Yeah.
I don't retreat from a fight.
They want efficiency, I'm gonna
show 'em efficiency and pride--
everything they said
we haven't got.
-That's right.
-[all talking at once]
That report's
gonna be so clean,
you can operate on it.
-Right.
-You betcha.
I'm gonna show 'em not only
the best damn MASH unit
in the army
-but the best unit, period.
-[cheering]
And, uh, right after that,
I'm going home.
-Huh?
-What do you mean?
You heard me. I'm leaving.
I'm putting in for a transfer.
I'm spending my last
few months stateside.
That's all.
Good night.
-[murmuring]
-CHARLES: Uh...
The inspection's
this Tuesday,
so you fellas
have gotta work fast.
Klinger, I want all torn
canvas repaired on the tents.
I'll give it
a nice zigzag stitch.
And 86 that M.P. dodge.
Try masquerading
as a soldier.
If you don't mind, sir,
I'd like to keep my whistle.
Zale, Benson,
I want this camp spotless.
If it don't move, paint it.
If it does move, pick it up.
But, sir, my back.
Is giving me a pain.
Dismissed.
Colonel, you can't
heap all this on us.
Benson, if your arms
get to feeling too heavy,
I can always
take off those stripes.
Now scram!
I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.
All right, Colonel, we're
waiting for an explanation.
Then wait outside. I still
don't want to talk about it.
There are a lot
of people around here
with their jaws
scraping on the ground
from that bombshell
you dropped last night.
You've got to talk
about it.
Got to? Get out of here.
Who do you think
you're talking to,
-a couple of strangers?
-We want an explanation.
We're gonna stay
until we get one.
I can call the M.P.s.
They want
an explanation too.
Look, let's stop
the hostility festival
and discuss it, okay? Please?
We've been halfway through
a war and back together.
You owe us that.
Those bad reports
I mentioned last night
have been coming
from inside this camp.
One of us?
I try to make
this bed of nails
a little more comfortable,
and this is how I
get paid off.
One of my own people
stabs me in the back
with a fountain pen.
A simple "thank you"
would have sufficed.
-I can't believe it.
-Believe it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna write to Mildred.
She might want to know
about this too.
Come in, Radar.
This is terrible.
Gee, he's such
a wonderful commander.
Who'd be lousy enough
to spy on a guy like that?
The floor is open
for nominations.
Let's analyze this.
We're looking for somebody
who's discontented--
-Yeah.
-...resentful,
and has a personal beef
with the colonel.
Who am I describing?
Klinger?
-No.
-No.
-Charles?
-Mmm.
Monogrammed toilet paper?
Who's he trying to impress?
"Ogilvy and Cabot's
Hair Sprout.
A harvest of hair
in every bottle."
Remind me to put this
in his deodorant.
Here's his Ogilvy
and Cabot stationery.
"Charles Emerson
Winchester.
Boston, Paris,
Palm Beach, Korea."
Anything interesting?
An unfinished letter.
I knew I was right
about him.
Aristocrats make
the best sneaks.
Read on, Macduff.
-"Dear Meredith"
-That's a girl's name.
Or maybe the last name
of a general.
I think you're stretching it.
"I'm afraid I have some very
disturbing news to report."
I knew it.
"During that memorable
rendezvous in Tokyo,
"I told you that the only
stars that sparkle for me
"were in your eyes.
"In the interim,
I have discovered
"that the stars could
and did sparkle for me
without necessarily
being in your eyes."
-Some spy letter.
-It's code. It's a code.
"I truly regret giving
you the impression
"that a permanent
relationship
was possible for us.
"I could never marry
"without the permission
of Grandmama Winchester
"who possesses
the wisdom of the ages
and half of downtown
Boston."
Go on. Now it's beginning
to make sense.
-That's all there is.
-Well, I'll finish it,
and then you can
read the rest of it.
-Author, author.
-How shabby!
How unutterably shabby!
Charles, listen--
Oh, this is vulgar.
This is despicable.
Would you care
to explain this to me?
It's all there on the label.
Why were you
reading my mail?
Look, Charles, there's
an explanation for this.
Whatever it is,
I don't believe it.
Charles, someone has been
sending secret reports
to the inspector general
about Colonel Potter.
That's why he's
packing it in.
And someone has been insisting
you were the informer.
B.J.: Some nut.
And you chose to believe
this provocateur?
You can't
call me that.
I might have known.
There are no informers
in my family.
Winchesters do not spy.
-We do on occasion hire them.
-[scoffs]
Okay. It was a dumb thing
to do. We apologize.
Oh, you stupid jerks!
It's come to this. I just
used the word "jerk."
-We're all slowing down.
-Gentlemen, I know
that thinking unsettles
your prejudices,
but if you would bother to use
the few brains you have,
it might occur to you
to look in the outgoing mail
for a letter addressed
to the inspector general.
The chances are very good
it was written by the informer.
-Okay.
-One other thing, gentlemen.
Bear in mind
that I still hate you.
-Do keep that in mind.
-Mm-hmm.
Charles, you're drinking
your hair.
Don't be ridiculous.
This is 12-year-old scotch.
You don't think I'd leave
this in the original bottle
around you
petty larcenists.
-Oh!
-What?
I've been drinking
from his Scotch bottle.
-Come on, sirs.
-Come on.
Radar, we're not
gonna steal anything.
Listen, this is
the U.S. mail.
Only a U.S. mailman
can touch it
once it goes in this
bag. It's sacred.
Radar, one of those
bad reports
on Colonel Potter could
be in that sacred bag.
Why didn't you say so?
He's so stubborn.
This is the last
time I ever take
a post office job
at Christmas.
Before I find it,
what am I looking for?
Anything addressed
to someplace official.
Here's one from Klinger
to his draft board.
Is it ticking?
Here's one to I-Corps,
Inspector General.
Well, it's okay.
It's from Joe.
-Who?
-Joe Benson. He's a corpsman.
He's been here since June.
He's a regular guy, though.
It couldn't be him.
Radar, how many
regular guys you know
write home to I-Corps?
Wait. You're not gonna
tear that open, are you?
Don't worry. We're doctors.
I'll open, he'll close.
No, you better
let me do it.
Can you imagine what he
could do with a scalpel?
Mmm.
[gasp] That fink!
You can use stronger
language than that.
That dirty fink!
I don't get it.
Benson's just
as undisciplined
as the next guy.
What's he got
against Potter?
Why don't we
pin him to the ground,
cover him with ants,
and ask him nicely?
-I'll bring the boiling oil.
-Uh-oh.
-[helicopters approaching]
-Uh-oh. Choppers.
Business before pleasure.
Close, Major.
Good work, sir.
I've never seen
that technique before.
And I thought
you'd seen it all.
It was done at the Mayo Clinic
four months ago.
What did you do, visit there
on the long weekend?
[chuckling]
It was in some literature
that came a while back.
I spent that long weekend
reading it.
How about you, quick draw?
Well, I, uh, I, uh,
I scanned it...briefly.
Yeah, the light's not
too good in the latrine.
Colonel, I just don't know
how we'll ever find anyone
to replace you in here.
I second that.
Klinger.
You call my name,
and I appear.
Get him to post-op.
Benson, grab the other
end, will you?
Oh, Benson,
we'll need a hand
in the changing room
when we're done here.
Would you stop by?
Sure. Anything you need.
-What a nice guy.
-B.J.: Salt of the earth.
Promise that you'll keep me
away from that creep's throat.
I was gonna ask you
to promise me.
Now, what can I
do for you sirs?
Ah, Benson. We've been
waiting 10 minutes.
-You're a little slow.
-I'm sorry, but I had--
When an officer
gives you an order,
-you better move, fella.
-I'm sorry, sir.
Gross inefficiency.
Better include yourself
in your next report.
I can't see myself in those
shoes. Why don't you
put that in there too?
I don't know what you
guys are talking about.
Yes, you do.
One of your letters fell
into the right hands: ours.
-Oh.
-Mmm.
There's a lot of activities
I'm not gonna miss around here.
That was one of them.
Ah, Colonel, we got a little
going-away present for you.
Sorry we didn't have
time to gift wrap it.
I'm too pooped for puzzles.
What are you getting at?
May I present
Corporal Joe Benson,
snitch first class.
His fingerprints are all over
that pen in your back.
Benson, is this true?
They make it sound
worse than it is.
If I could raise my arms,
I'd flatten your nose.
What'd I ever do
to you, Corporal?
It's Lieutenant, sir.
Ah, a commissioned
weasel.
Damn it, answer my question!
It was an assignment, sir.
I was sent by the inspector
general to work undercover.
Why pick on us?
Our record was clean as
a whistle till you got here.
Not according to Colonel Frank
Webster of the Third Armor.
He was a patient here
a couple of months ago.
Apparently,
he wasn't too thrilled
with the quality of your care.
-I don't remember any Webster.
-Me, neither.
I do. Came through triage
with a tiny piece
of shrapnel in his tush
and a big chip
on his shoulder.
Got steamed when I
told him he'd have to wait
till the real casualties
were treated.
You can't blame him.
A wound like that
could've kept him off
a bar stool for several days.
That still
doesn't explain
your negative
reports, Benson.
Look, you gotta admit,
from a military standpoint,
things are pretty loose
around here.
Maybe. From a human
standpoint,
things are plenty tight.
I'd trade your shoeshines
and snappy salutes
for a good surgeon any day.
-Even if he looks like us.
-I wouldn't go that far.
-Well, I mean...
-All right, Benson.
Pack up your cloak
and dagger and get out.
Whatever you say, Colonel.
Benson, you tell Webster
if he ever
gets in my way again,
I'm gonna put that shrapnel
back where I found it.
No, no, Waldo. All I want
is my record cleaned up.
Just get them to call off
that surprise inspection.
We got enough
to do around here
without putting on
our Sunday best
for a bunch of
dust-sniffing yahoos.
[whisper]
That's telling him.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
What?
Am I staying?
I'll get back to you.
Are you staying,
Colonel?
I must admit this is a load
off my mind,
but I haven't seen Mildred
in a long time.
I haven't seen Peg,
but I'm staying.
It's been a long war.
I passed my prime
about 10 squares back.
Look, Colonel, um...
Sherman...
you could give me a hundred
good reasons to leave,
and I can't give you
one good reason to stay.
Stay anyway.
What he said.
Please?
Well, I'll have to
think about it for a while.
What the hell. I'll stay.
Thank you, Colonel.
You'll regret
every minute of it.
I probably will.
-Uh-oh. Choppers.
-[helicopters approaching]
-Ooh, they sound loaded.
-Let's go.
I hate this place.
Colonel, can we see you
in private?
-What's going on?
-We're getting up
a surprise party.
We wanted to know if you'd
be the guest of honor.
-Hit it, Major.
-♪♪ [harmonica note]
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny
[cheering]
Thank you, folks.
That was really lousy.
What do you expect
with very little talent
and only five minutes'
preparation?
Okay, Denning!
Excuse me, sir.
Pardon me, Mrs. Potter.
Right this way.
Oh, that dumb white
icing again!
This is leftover derby.
Half a hat is
better than none.
One candle. What's that for?
It's your first day back.
I want to apologize
for being so surly.
You people are
the best there is.
I should have realized that.
I'm sorry.
Aw.
Why don't you make a wish
and blow it out, sir?
I'll make a wish
for all of us.
Peace.
♪♪ [theme]